tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108908852024-03-07T18:23:41.352-05:00FrumpterLife as a baal teshuva Chassidic Jew who graduated from a secular law school, started a family which is now growing in complexity. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved.Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.comBlogger594125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-53920673742078301632023-11-07T12:03:00.001-05:002023-11-07T12:22:06.857-05:00110723 Monroe Institute First Meditation Session - Impressions<p>I realized that I could lock the door to my office and do a Hemisync Discovery Introductory session.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to do this because after everything I have been learning from Reishis Chochma and now Sefer HaGilgulim with Reb, I have somehow cycled back to the Rabbi where I got my start in Torah and religion.</p><p></p><p>I ended up here because I was looking for English translations of the Hebrew Kisvei haAri books I was learning, and I came across one of Rabbi BT's videos which caught my interest. He said that astral travel was real (even from a Torah perspective) and that even though Robert Monroe from the Monroe Institute got the practice and described the experiences accurately, he didn't know Torah so his names for the places and the experiences were very scientific (although they accurately described what goes on spiritually).</p><p>[Just so we are clear, I think the concept of "astral travel" is hokey and stupid... but when you call it "tefisas haDerech," well, that made me curious.]</p><p></p><p><b>The connection between Robert Monroe, Hemisync, and Torah blew my mind because I spent SO MUCH TIME before becoming religious practicing and dabbling in Holosync and Hemisync binaural brainwave technology.</b> Seeing this connection, I realized I might have the perfect background to check this out and maybe practice it for real.</p><p></p><p>And, with all of the learning with Reb, so much has opened up for me spiritually, so these experiences have also opened up for me. I am not fighting this, but I am exploring this with deep interest.</p><p></p><p>First of all, it is better to do this than to play video games, waste my energy doing nothing, or watch Netflix. Plus, if this stuff works, that would be super cool.</p><p></p><p>Rabbi BT says that Judaism is not only supposed to be studied intellectually (like rules of Halacha) but <b>Judaism is supposed to be EXPERIENCED, like meditating on the letter Aleph or doing more advanced meditations to experience Hashem and all of his creations</b> (not just the physical within the bounds and limitations of the physical world). He says there is more, and it is there for us if we want to do the work to try to achieve it and experience it.</p><p></p><p><i>"This guy (Robert Monroe) did, so why can't I? (a frum Jew with Torah, Mitzvos, a family, etc.)"</i></p><p></p><p>So Robert Monroe wrote a book about his experiences. I've been reading that voraciously so that 1) I can compare it to what a spiritual experience would be, 2) so that I can learn the characters in the spiritual world and know what to expect, and 3) so that I can try this out myself.</p><p></p><p>On top of that, Dr. Monroe got to these experiences with mere visualizations. But then years later, he went on to create technology (Hemisync) that can alter the brainwaves to allow the meditator to enter these altered states of consciousness. Focus 3, Focus 10, whatever -- I don't know them yet.</p><p></p><p>AND, I HAVE GOOD EXPERIENCE AND KNOW HOW TO USE THIS DEVICE.</p><p></p><p><b>My idea is to play his audio Hemisync courses while at the same time, wearing the Muse brainwave feedback headband to get active feedback on whether I am properly modulating my brainwaves into a meditative state or not.</b></p><p></p><p>On top of this, I have the Neurowhatever white neckband which can send signals to my brain to move towards various deeper states of awareness.</p><p></p><p>I have my arsenal, AND I have my Torah and my desire to connect to Hashem and explore spiritually to see what there is to see. This has GOTTA be fun!</p><p></p><p>So here was my first experience:</p><p>11/7/2023, 4:45pm, my office, door closed, locked.</p><p></p><p>I found it difficult at first to modulate the Muse brainwave device because it was giving static (meaning I was in an agitated state). I noticed the A/C fan was blowing on me, <i>and it couldn't be good to have a fan blowing on my body if I was trying to leave my physical body</i>, so I turned it off.</p><p></p><p>I was able to get the Muse device quiet, which meant I was 'doing well' meditating (whatever that means). The neckband was running a "Vagus Nerve" program, and even though this wasn't the meditation-inducing program I wanted, I didn't want to change the program because it is an experimental program that I wanted to keep installed and active on my neckband.</p><p></p><p>I opened the "heavy box," from the audio instructions, put my physical belongings into it, turned my back, and then just listened and relaxed, focusing on the brainwave feedback every time it got noisy.</p><p></p><p>At one point, there was chanting "ohm" or "ah" as part of the Hemisync tuning program. I thought it was powerful, and <b>at one point I wondered if everything I was hearing was the audio</b>, or perhaps I was already doing something more. The reason I mentioned this is because I've done these audios many times before, but at one point I thought I recognized a voice that didn't belong to the tape. "I'm imagining this for sure," I thought, and moved on.</p><p></p><p>Either way, I found it deepening to do this. I tried "Voo" to go along with the Vagus nerve signals [to connect to the 'gut' emotional brain, why not?], but that seemed not to go along with the "ohm" so I resumed the audio tuning.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure if this next part happened before or after the audio tuning, but it was interesting to me, especially since I am reading Dr. Monroe's book on his own good AND BAD experiences with astral travel, so he was giving us suggestions which I understood were suggestions to ask for spiritual guidance from GOOD spiritual beings (who were more advanced than us), not from bad ones who could hurt, imprison, or attach themselves to us [you know, to "eat" us like we are food].</p><p></p><p>So while he said the requests and asked us to repeat them after him, I did, but <b>since this is a spiritual journey for me and I am a Jew, I said the spiritual requests in Hebrew (as best as I could).</b> What I didn't know in Hebrew, I just used the English words he suggested.</p><p></p><p>This was powerful for me because <b>I realized that maybe I could attract to me spiritual helpers or "good" beings who could guide me further on this exploratory path rather than attracting klipot or spiritual animals who would see me merely as food to eat and devour</b>. So this gave me some reassurance that I was doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>At one point, I realized I was very relaxed, so I figured <i>now would be a good time to do some "Yichudim"</i> (if that is what this is called). I am reading an Aryeh Kaplan book on Kabbalah & Meditation, so this is where I got the idea to do this (aside from the fact that Rabbi BT told me to focus my anger and hatred using the sheimos of Hashem at the terrorists in Gaza, I was nervous tapping into this energy so quickly). Better to start with Y-K-V-K and A-D-N-Y yichudim (I said this with sarcasm; mixing the names of Hashem seemed to me to be akin to be playing with gunpowder and not having any idea what I was doing); but mixing holy named seemed to be "safer" than digging into the "left Kav" of pure Gevurah and channeling that like a lazer at my enemies in Gaza. </p><p></p><p>So I got interrupted when trying to do the Y-K-V-K first, so I decided to do it with A-D-N-Y first.</p><p></p><p>I pictured a big white mountain, and before the mountain was the A; the mountain was the Y. Then before the next mountain was the D; the mountain was K, and so on.</p><p></p><p>I remember the komatz and patach and tzeiri, etc. sounds, and how to move my neck [from the Sefer Yetzirah courses I did many years ago before I was frum], so I did that too (although my Muse brainwave device didn't like the movements and it got static'y). I am guessing this was roughly 10 minutes into it because the Muse started sensing a lot of movement after 10 minutes.</p><p></p><p>I was able to do the A-Y-D-H-... yichudim, and then I did it the other way around with Y-K-V-K first. They are both names of Hashem, so I couldn't imagine it would hurt flipping them around.</p><p></p><p>I wasn't looking for a response; I was actually happy with myself that I was able to keep the focus so I could complete it. Doing Yichudim sometimes can get really long and complicated, so doing just this for me was something I was proud of.</p><p></p><p>Until this point, my heart rate was between 84 bpm - 95 bpm, but after I started doing the Yichudim, my heart rate dropped down to 74 bpm - 84 bpm. I don't know if that meant anything, but what I did notice was that the oscillations of my brainwaves picked up steadily after 10 minutes.</p><p></p><p>The oscillations didn't mean I was in a deeper state. I wasn't. But the brainwave activity really picked up after the 10-minute point and remained high throughout the rest of the session.</p><p> </p><p>I'm not sure what happened next, but we were supposed to go deeper. We were supposed to imagine that various parts of our face were getting sucked into our brain. "Weird," I thought, "but OK."</p><p></p><p>I did it, and <b>as I remained in that state, I noticed that my forehead was getting hot. </b> It didn't bother me, but I noticed the temperature change, and I was wondering whether this was a good thing or not.</p><p></p><p>I continued the meditation, and it seemed to be uneventful. I was surprised that I made it this far because I usually fall asleep by now, so I was impressed that I was still present and awake.</p><p></p><p>At one point, the speaker (Dr. Monroe) suggested that if I ever want to get back into this state, just take the fingers of my right hand, and touch them against the back of my head. "An Anchor!" I thought. "COOL!" This will be useful if I ever want to return here! (wherever "here" was).</p><p></p><p>Then, he installed another anchor. "If you want to remember what you are experiencing in this state, touch your fingers to the center of your forehead." "Cool," I thought, and I did that.</p><p></p><p>Then the Muse 30-minute session expired and the sound feedback turned off. I assumed this was what happened.</p><p></p><p>Shortly afterward (the 40-minute session was ending). I was surprised that Dr. Monroe took so long to get us back in our bodies to wake up, and he had a whole SLEW of suggestions, basically to make the body, the nerves, the endocrine system, or whatever function the way it was supposed to.</p><p></p><p>"Some hypnotic suggestions for health couldn't hurt here," I thought, and I was happy to entertain the suggestions. However, honestly, I had a difficult time understanding exactly what he was talking about. <b>His speaking seemed like a foreign 'science' language to me. I was a bit weirded out by this, "Why give such complicated hypnotic suggestions that the brain wouldn't be unable to understand?" I thought</b>, but since I saw that he does this in another course I was looking at last night, I assumed this is what he was doing here. "I'll take it," I thought.</p><p></p><p>Then I woke up, refreshed, and then I changed the baby's diaper and checked on the kids.</p><p>In hindsight, the "not understanding his closing hypnotic suggestions" thing bothered me somewhat. Not that there was something wrong here, but based on what I was reading in Robert Monroe's book, <i><b>it occurred to me that I might not have actually been "here" when listening to his suggestions. It occurred to me that maybe I was "somewhere else," and that is why I didn't understand his language and why his suggestions didn't seem to make sense</b></i>. [I am not giving myself this much credit yet -- I am *NOT* anything other than a real beginner on this topic -- but it does weird me out a bit that maybe I didn't understand his words because I might have been "somewhere else," on the way back to "here."]</p><p></p><p><b><u>In sum, honestly, I don't think this experience was meaningful or that anything out of the ordinary happened</u></b>. But perhaps if I had to choose a few items, what for me was noteworthy was 1) the 10-minute mark -- what did I do at 10 minutes, and why did my brainwaves get so active? Did I successfully 'do' something with my meditation? And why did my pulse drop almost 20 bpm (from 95bpm-75bpm) during this same time? What relevance was it that my pulse slowed from 10 minutes onwards? The second noteworthy item (and I think this is stupid), 2) why didn't I understand his hypnotic suggestions at the close of the session? Hypnotic suggestions are supposed to be simple so they can be acted upon by the brain and the unconscious mind.</p><p></p><p>Also in sum, the reason I wrote this down is that I intend to take this further and to experiment further. I am wondering whether something I wrote here can be referred back to later, or maybe something I 'heard' in the experience, I later discover "wasn't on the tape." [That would be creepy.] So that is why I wrote all of this down.</p><p></p><p>I also secretly feel that I am in a place in my life where it is appropriate and healthy to try this type of meditation. <b>I am hoping this will deepen my religious observance, my Torah study, and it will get me closer to Hashem.</b></p><p></p><p>I have a sadness that maybe I'm not doing everything that I could or should be doing. Like for example, if I am dabbling in this kind of spirituality, <b>I <em>should</em> be saying brachos, davening, and putting on Tallis and Tefillin each day, on time (b'zman).</b> ...For my own protection, of course. </p><p>I also learned that these Jewish everyday "mundane" religious practices (brachos, davening, tefillin, mikvah, kashrut, etc.) actually have deep, far, and wide spiritual effects that we are not taught about and that we have no idea we are doing. We just know "this is good, this is bad, this is what we are supposed to do because it is good for us." </p><p>Was this ignorance of what is happening spiritually the plan all along? To make us a spiritual nation but not have us understand how we are creating and affecting the worlds around us and within us? That seems wrong. </p><p>The Rebbe'im over time all had spiritual experiences, as did the chassidim -- in their davening, in their deveikus, in their meditations, etc. <b>But our generation is so dry, so lacking in spirituality, even though Chassidus and revelation is so much part of our everyday lives.</b> </p><p>We understand Hashem so deeply with Maamarim, Sichos, and with our daily Torah study and observance of Shabbos and the Holidays... But unless we are caught in a niggun, or we are part of a good quality farbrengen, or we break into some kind of achdus dance, really, there is little going on spiritually, at least where we can tangably experience that 'something' is happening.</p><p>Maybe this experiment in meditation will fix that. Maybe you will figure out what I am talking about and you will try this stuff too, so there will be two of us, then three, then three thousand, then a hundred thousand, and so on. At a minimum, I'll start with my own meditation and shoring up my own observance so that I only do good by meditating and that I don't end up lost, psychotic, or dead.</p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-17485521051402802572023-06-12T07:13:00.000-04:002023-06-12T07:13:01.926-04:00The importance of "shtill" - don't analyze when speaking to your wife. Just listen and respond.<p> 061223 Monday 6/12/2023 Lori Therapy Meeting</p><p></p><p>In this morning's therapy meeting, we focused on how my wife does not feel like I am listening to her. She thinks my responses to her are mechanical and unemotional, and so our conversations die a horrible death.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">My frustration when communicating - no "stated" emotions to grasp onto.</h2><p></p><p>On my end, I am feeling frustrated that I am unable to get anything <em>tangible</em> from her emotionally -- words -- that I can <em>grasp onto, analyze, and properly respond to. </em>As a result, I have no idea how to respond to her or to know what follow-up questions to ask in order to keep the conversation going. So they end, and I feel unfulfilled because "nothing happened" in our conversation, and I got nothing out of it that could help me to get closer to my wife.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcNgfr7kymJQcjXrDARJ_AkIws7oDAfkM8sB80JCd2EeS0xU_8ulyik9lAoXwFDo2o3r7ZI0hPuTZqG1G_QkFxQBpeQzMbVPuSKbMKIChnK14oymHxVMoV5c9IZZrLciwj2jTDnTNd7qmv1AyrG5Scg0OHfvRsstcQWsO1Mc-kqIyizcn8C0k/s640/Shh%20-%20Just%20Listen_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="640" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcNgfr7kymJQcjXrDARJ_AkIws7oDAfkM8sB80JCd2EeS0xU_8ulyik9lAoXwFDo2o3r7ZI0hPuTZqG1G_QkFxQBpeQzMbVPuSKbMKIChnK14oymHxVMoV5c9IZZrLciwj2jTDnTNd7qmv1AyrG5Scg0OHfvRsstcQWsO1Mc-kqIyizcn8C0k/s320/Shh%20-%20Just%20Listen_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">The exercise - "Just Listening and Responding"</h3><p></p><p>The therapist did an exercise where I just closed my eyes and listened to her. I listened, and just responded. When my wife said that she felt disappointed that something didn't go the way she hoped it would be, I responded, "sorry, that must be frustrating... or, that must have sucked." But I didn't add in anything of my own thoughts.</p><p></p><p>I didn't try to add in any "pearls of wisdom," nor did I try to elicit further how the experience made her <em>feel </em>(which is ordinarily what I would do in a conversation from her -- I would try to find out how what she is telling me affected her, at which she gets frustrated that I am not hearing her, she gets angry at me, and the conversation dies a terrible death, and I am left confused and frustrated.</p><p></p><p>Rather, if I just listen and respond naturally, WITHOUT trying to elicit her emotions or to see how something effected her -- if I just respond and say nothing -- then she could feel that I am hearing and sharing her emotions, and that I am actually hearing her rather than pushing away the emotions that are "all there laid out in front of me," by trying to have her give a name to her emotions so that I can properly respond to them.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Today's Lesson - Be Quiet, Don't Analyze, Just Listen and Respond.</h2><p></p><p>So the lesson for today is <em>shtill (in English, "be quiet.")</em> <em>Just be quiet when speaking to your wife. Just listen, respond with, "oh, that must have felt X," or "oh, that's terrible" and say NOTHING MORE. Maybe then she'll feel like you are actually understanding her feelings.</em></p><p></p><p>My thoughts? My wife seemed very interested in this idea, so maybe we're on to something. Me? I don't think this will work. I don't think we'll get the opportunity to have these interactions because I'm concerned that she won't share with me her thoughts or her feelings. But let's see. I'll try this.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Reflection: How analyzing words blocks my ability to just listen. Presence.</h3><p></p><p><em>The <a href="https://beta.mindsera.com/join?ref=LIQEPT" target="_blank">Mindsera AI (link)</a> had an interesting question -- it was asking me, "how might your desire to analyze and respond to your wife's emotions be impacting your ability to truly listen to her and be present in the conversation?"</em></p><p></p><p>I think that [at least for myself], by always searching for the emotion -- for always seeking to see not some event as it is, but the event as how it has an affect on the person experiencing it, I am taking myself "out of the conversation," and instead of <em>being present </em>for her so that she can feel like I am actually listening to her, I am in my analytical head trying to figure out how she is feeling and how I can help her feel better, more supported, etc. But instead of doing this, I am literally emotionally abandoning her by not staying with her and her emotions when she shares them with me.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Thinking Forward -- Going Deeper!?!?</h3><p></p><p>That's an interesting insight. Do you think her and I can "go deeper together" by just meeting her here at the surface? I wonder what that could mean, what that could feel, what that could do for our closeness, etc. Can this actually help our marriage? Is this really "a thing"?!</p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-28401582371735225172023-06-11T16:37:00.004-04:002023-06-12T07:14:52.070-04:00 061123 "The Keystone" and "The Black & Grey Globs" (Blocking Emotions)<p> 061123 June 5, 2023 Therapy Session with Lori (Continued) -</p><p></p><p>I keep procrastinating on this topic, so I have no doubt it is important. Lori (our therapist) thinks that while I might be in tune with my emotions, she observed that they are not coming through in my facial expressions or my body language.</p><p></p><p>She had me do an "eyes closed" visualization, which I enthusiastically participated in. I thought it was a "parts therapy" kind of exercise, but she gave me the name for it (something else), but the name eluded me.</p><p></p><p>With my eyes closed, she asked whether there was any part of me which was stopping me from experiencing my emotions.</p><p></p><p>YES there was -- "The Keystone." </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-2xsqe2vO43Jb5egM4-To0gSzC7lnOxdUKPLMeQ-obg2xA-uyjG_3rjgGABI1OcXNMhIrKBQIKzv6bhS1MGRUmmHSV1lmODM2-AR_RP0qmXiqO62OBiJaearKCp5uV1QnAZLfdo3w2LvUOYzYC-EdhmS1bLhJ6P9WuwLuPansjuFpifcPC0/s1200/The%20Keystone%20-%20Antenna.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-2xsqe2vO43Jb5egM4-To0gSzC7lnOxdUKPLMeQ-obg2xA-uyjG_3rjgGABI1OcXNMhIrKBQIKzv6bhS1MGRUmmHSV1lmODM2-AR_RP0qmXiqO62OBiJaearKCp5uV1QnAZLfdo3w2LvUOYzYC-EdhmS1bLhJ6P9WuwLuPansjuFpifcPC0/s320/The%20Keystone%20-%20Antenna.jpg" width="256" /></a></div><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Visualization: The Keystone:</h2><p></p><p>The Keystone was a child's wooden block toy shaped in the shape of a bridge. It was straight on the top and sides, but it was a semicircle on the bottom. It called itself the "Keystone" because without it, all the other pieces of the bridge fall apart into pieces.</p><p></p><p>The Keystone also had the shape of a black-and-white triangular antenna. It said it was hundreds of years old, and that it joined me when I was born. It later told me that I created it which contradicted its initial statement, but to me, it seemed like an angel (a malach).</p><p></p><p>Lori was asking questions to get me doubt whether I really wanted it around. It seemed like she wanted me to realize that it might have served a helpful purpose at one point in my life -- like the "Framework" which came to me in an earlier visualization that I built up and around a blackened-soot-and-angry childlike version of me -- but I actually enjoyed the presence of The Keystone.</p><p></p><p>The Keystone genuinely desired to help me and to protect me "from the wooden spikes that would shoot out of my heart and injure me deeply." (Funny how it was a wooden toy, and the spikes were from the same wooden toy set - I wonder if there is something there latent in my memories with that set.)</p><p></p><p>I imagined that maybe it was evil (and I visualized it as possibly evil), but it really radiated a warmth and a protective comfort. I didn't want to kick it out of my psyche -- rather, I wanted to hug it and thank it for protecting me all these years. It was quite tired from all the hard work, but it was willing to persist for as long as I needed it. It did this out of a sense of loyalty and duty to keep me safe. This seemed to be it's reason for being inside me.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFXwd0lyE-2cPRzzI5izOIzopK6XKCzFeGC7cPne7EY8TYIzcObLkWUhCj3G5Jgmkut7AJTLcOnmXhAIZnygQTO2uY-b9Fs3ydqZFhspuoAzeOOyPO8Ats1pn7PL_0lBAV-Y9-oSSMtbXLl_1VB1jEG-kQn6ntnjUDECgNwIsjW5TqW8C2z1E/s1200/The%20Keystone%20-%20Wooden%20Block.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFXwd0lyE-2cPRzzI5izOIzopK6XKCzFeGC7cPne7EY8TYIzcObLkWUhCj3G5Jgmkut7AJTLcOnmXhAIZnygQTO2uY-b9Fs3ydqZFhspuoAzeOOyPO8Ats1pn7PL_0lBAV-Y9-oSSMtbXLl_1VB1jEG-kQn6ntnjUDECgNwIsjW5TqW8C2z1E/s320/The%20Keystone%20-%20Wooden%20Block.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><p>Lori had me show it around to my "adult" life -- my wife, my home, my shul, my kids. I think she was trying to have me ask it if still thought it was needed in my life or not. It asked me this, and I answered that I <em>do</em> still need it in my life, and I appreciate all the help and safety it continues to give me from the spikes shooting out of my heart.</p><p></p><p>Lori wanted me to ask it if it was willing to step aside, and it was willing to, but it was concerned I would be injured [not killed, but badly hurt] by the spikes from my heart. </p><p></p><p>The <a href="https://beta.mindsera.com/join?ref=LIQEPT" target="_blank">AI from Mindsera.com (link)</a> wants me to answer, <em>"What would it feel like to fully embrace and express your emotions without the presence of "The Keystone"?"</em></p><p></p><p>Funny, it thinks The Keystone prevents me from expressing my emotions. </p><p></p><p>Lori also had me visualize this. Without The Keystone, I would get injured by painful emotions that my heart is ejecting out of it, but I would live. I realized that The Keystone could be bypassed by asking it to be transparent. It is still there if I do this, but I deactivate its function, and it is willing to let me do this.</p><p></p><p>I don't think I get positive benefits from this, because it appears to me as if the job of The Keystone was only to prevent me from getting hit by the spikes because they can badly hurt and injure me. I have not thought much about what the spikes actually are (although I have imagined a few times that they remind me only about the COVID spikes, but these are actually like thin wooden sharp cylinders which are so thin they are thick, but needle-like. </p><p></p><p>Without The Keystone, I would still not be able to feel my emotions because... I noticed that there are two other characters also protecting me. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTiFjnvXnS9KnyJy9JmR-eU_0pE-n-A3GGrSjGl3i_7nVPORYYPh52jnLaf4B2Lbv11UBIfSL1vgRvukLtv1iTzSu2EAgCXWeHdJwyCipCZZ21bwp42lMKqyOkrWuN_vfRFzJKA8I3xR_mc-yenTWeUZR9ikp-i9NqSNPMUiZDKmy-zGQU8KI/s1024/oil%20covered%20bird.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTiFjnvXnS9KnyJy9JmR-eU_0pE-n-A3GGrSjGl3i_7nVPORYYPh52jnLaf4B2Lbv11UBIfSL1vgRvukLtv1iTzSu2EAgCXWeHdJwyCipCZZ21bwp42lMKqyOkrWuN_vfRFzJKA8I3xR_mc-yenTWeUZR9ikp-i9NqSNPMUiZDKmy-zGQU8KI/s320/oil%20covered%20bird.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Visualization: The Black & Grey Globs</h2><p></p><p>At first I thought it was one large, thick, black, slippery but rubberlike glob that was covering over my heart ("The Black Glob"), but then I realized that there were two of these (the second one was more grey'ish, and it looked the same, but it said it shared a different function) ("The Greyish Glob").</p><p></p><p>What was interesting to me is that The Black Glob did not want me knowing it was there. As soon as I noticed it, it caused me to forget what it looked like. The Grey Glob did this too (made me not be able to see it), but it seemed busy doing its work while The Black Glob was more concerned about me seeing it.</p><p></p><p>I thought it was silly that The Black Glob thought I wouldn't be able to remember what it looked like because I had a short term memory of what it looked like. However, I was impressed and a bit surprised as how effective it was at causing me to be unable to see it, as if it didn't turn itself invisible, but rather, it literally blinded me as to its existence. </p><p></p><p>I still, however, was aware of its presence even when I couldn't see it anymore, but I knew it was still listening to me and it would respond to my questions.</p><p></p><p>The Black and Grey Glob each were pretty focused on its mission. I do not know what the grey one was doing -- it seemed busy during my visualization -- but the Black Glob's job was literally to thickly cover over the bright red radiance of my heart, specifically to absorb the wooden spikes that shoot out of it quite frequently. </p><p></p><p>When I spoke to it in Lori's visualization, it too seemed to have good motives, namely, it was there called by me to protect me from the spikes. However, the Black Glob seemed more intent on doing its job with a serious intensity which I found to be interesting.</p><p></p><p>Lori had me show these Globs my adult home, my wife, my family, etc., but the Globs didn't seem interested in stepping aside. It seemed they were unimpressed, and more focused on their mission rather than communicating with me to do my will or my bidding. </p><p></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Keystone had Self-Awareness; the Globs were Machines.</h3><p></p><p>While the Keystone seemed to have its own consciousness or benevolence to it, the Globs seemed like they were task-oriented entities, like a fireman putting out a fire, or a vacuum cleaner seeking out the mess that spilled.</p><p></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Trying to Switch them Off</h3><p></p><p>Without the Keystone and the Globs, I believe I would experience more emotions without them accidentally filtering and in some cases with the Globs, accidentally blocking them entirely in their attempts to contain the spikes which would damage and injure me.</p><p></p><p>I tried to imagine they were all transparent (meaning, switched off), so the spikes and everything else would express my heart's feelings to me, but noticing that I was squeezing my eyes and feeling sadness and pain in my heart, I am concerned that there is a lot of this that is being covered up also.</p><p></p><p>That was all I wanted to cover. I shared this with my wife and she was impressed that I had such visualizations with Lori, but she didn't have any other comment.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBlo9AwItA5I6A8oAgmpL-WlVJBi3xs2MyNHyWC_HthTmm3xP7wRWZGaPaSW45PzmXmd72kLcqDrylTuoAaVSvC1-MOlgl2l18CuprdffL8ftLlUQ7qBXhg6_wuaqTpuad5dfXbfbLYopuD-BjiuRQDXZxUOgA7vdDvszzN2ObGzt03dDJHD8/s1280/enflamed%20heart.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBlo9AwItA5I6A8oAgmpL-WlVJBi3xs2MyNHyWC_HthTmm3xP7wRWZGaPaSW45PzmXmd72kLcqDrylTuoAaVSvC1-MOlgl2l18CuprdffL8ftLlUQ7qBXhg6_wuaqTpuad5dfXbfbLYopuD-BjiuRQDXZxUOgA7vdDvszzN2ObGzt03dDJHD8/s320/enflamed%20heart.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">Poison in the Heart</h2><p></p><p>Personally, I think this trio helps me to manage an otherwise raw and inflamed heart. I think there is an inflammation of the heart, and it is shooting the spikes to eject the poison from my heart. These spikes might be feelings of sadness or pain, they could also be anger. Intuition tells me this is cortisol.</p><p></p><p>The problem is that I don't think I am in a healthy emotional place, especially if I am visualizing a raw and aggravated heart which is pumping and shooting out poison just to survive. I think I am poisoning it with my pain, and my heart is just trying to survive.</p><p></p><p>I imagined what would happen to me if I were hit with the spikes, but I don't know the answer. I think they would stick in me, but my immune system would be knocked out and I would get sick. </p><p>I would really love to stop feeding my heart poison -- these are clearly my emotional stresses and sadness and pain, just as they are the additional stress I carry from trying so hard to manage my ADHD while at the same time keeping myself deceptively productive and normal (not showing that I am struggling to keep my executive functions at "normal" levels) just so that I do not "annoy" those around me with my stupidities.</p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-57062624875787390612023-06-11T14:27:00.004-04:002023-06-11T15:13:14.003-04:00 061123 Sunday Afternoon, No Love For You.<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP4fym7WpS_qYdltUFBQ7cPM3bUu-4n6P-VmEuByFz__KVDs1eVny8kfNXdnP50R8qWTuNnH56z116CDXMxaybENeJY__TO3BrJwDb5AAWFtVdS48BkQx_bO7dNfv0YcPh8nl9LdTI-153XnfPUyzwYaYn4T7k_NhPw2BmSZqKrHG95jYQuXw/s1024/sadness.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="615" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP4fym7WpS_qYdltUFBQ7cPM3bUu-4n6P-VmEuByFz__KVDs1eVny8kfNXdnP50R8qWTuNnH56z116CDXMxaybENeJY__TO3BrJwDb5AAWFtVdS48BkQx_bO7dNfv0YcPh8nl9LdTI-153XnfPUyzwYaYn4T7k_NhPw2BmSZqKrHG95jYQuXw/s320/sadness.webp" width="192" /></a></div><p></p><p></p><p>Okay, so after a few brief interludes of pushing myself to share with my wife that I am genuinely interested in going as deep as possible with her, a few minutes ago, I came out of my office, and with humor, hiked up my pants to emulate my kids in jest (my daughter came downstairs expecting to go out wearing almost nothing), so I too exposed my body parts to show how silly it looks to have so much exposed.</p><p></p><p>I told my wife that I am in my office working, but if she gets overwhelmed -- even with her superhuman ability to have the kids all jump on her -- just come into my office and I will stop what I am doing and I will come out and give her some slack. I <em>do</em> have work to do, but I am not doing anything that needs a response this minute.</p><p></p><p>She came into my office and shared excitedly that she is taking our oldest daughter to sushi tonight, and that she felt that she is getting through to her. <i>Honestly, I didn't hear what she said because I was so excited that she was joining me in my office that I thought that finally, we are starting to act like a couple again.</i></p><p></p><p>After we spoke, instead of sitting back and returning to my work as I would have done in the past, I took a chance and I pulled her lovingly towards me -- her standing, me sitting on a chair -- and I was going to give her a hug.</p><p></p><p>Instead, her eyes widened and she said, "no - you don't get that yet. I'm still upset with you for what you did to me." (Or honestly, something of the sort.) I am so overwhelmed with sadness and confusion by this rejection - yet again, a perfect running streak of rejections where my gestures of love are not accepted by her - that while I should I totally have seen the rejection coming, I stupidly thought that maybe she had forgiven me, and that maybe we were taking a first step to healing our broken marriage.</p><p></p><p>So, let's do this emotional audit thing. I'm paying $14.99/mo for it here with <a href="https://beta.mindsera.com/join?ref=LIQEPT" target="_blank">Mindsera.com (<i>here's a referral link</i>)</a> so let's see what comes of it.</p><p></p><p><em>1. What kind of sensations do you feel in your body right now?</em></p><p></p><p>I feel sadness in my heart. My face is scrunched up in a ball, my eyes are squinting because I am feeling emotional pain and I am either trying <em>not to cry</em>, or I really do want to cry. No idea.</p><p></p><p>My lips are curled in a frown - at first I thought this was disgust, especially because I feel the anger of my teeth behind my lips exerting themselves, and because my jaw is tight and my teeth are clenched, but really, the lips are in a frown of sadness.</p><p></p><p>I also have a foggy headache, as if I cannot believe that just happened... again.</p><p></p><p>My heartrate is elevated, and I can feel a tightness in my chest from the sadness. I am also slouched over and I really want to just crawl into a ball and cry.</p><p></p><p><em>2. What kind of thoughts do you have right now?</em></p><p></p><p>I am thinking that I can't believe that I got rejected yet again. I feel so stupid that I misread the situation yet again. I am so upset with myself that I thought hopefully that maybe... MAYBE... she was over her anger and her disgust for me, and that she was finally willing to forgive me for whatever she still believes I did to her (or specifically, that I neglected to dig deeper into her three experiences last week), and that maybe we were going to resume having a loving and connected relationship that actually involves us not standing six feet apart from one another. Nope.</p><p></p><p>I feel stupid that I have no idea what she was thinking when she came in here. What did she want from me then if not my emotional support, comfort, affirmation, and love? Why did she jump back in horror when I reached out to pull her in by her hips to hug her and share that I love her? Why is she always so oppositional to gestures of love and intimacy?</p><p></p><p>I am feeling hurt in my heart that I will never have a loving relationship with her. I am feeling that she no longer loves me and that she just wants me around so that she can get past the parenting stage of our life so that she can plan her exit. I feel rejected. I feel sad. I feel despondent, I feel like a loser, I feel unloved, I feel tricked, I feel manipulated, I feel used.</p><p></p><p><em>3. Do you feel overstimulated?</em></p><p></p><p>Well no, I didn't feel overstimulated when I started writing, but the more that I focused on the sadness, the confusion, and the anger from being rejected yet again -- yeah, I'm feeling a bit overstimulated from my own emotions, and I feel the need to just shut them down and distract myself from them so that I can go back to some more "productive" journaling.</p><p></p><p>I guess I could go for a walk now, or I could go out to get some fresh air, but I find that sitting with a journal and outpouring my feelings is probably also a healthy option (although I acknowledge the value of a walk right about now). But then the journal won't happen and I'll get distracted with something else.</p><p></p><p><em>4. If you would need to name the emotion, what would you call it?</em></p><p></p><p>I would call the emotion "hurt," "disappointment," "hope unfulfilled," even "rejected," "anger," "even seething disgust for manipulating me again and leading me on," or something like that. I would have rather that you (wife) left me alone and let me think rather than further drive a nail or a wedge deeper between us.</p><p></p><p><em>5. When did you start to feel that way, and what caused it?</em></p><p></p><p>The rejection? Easy. When I went to hug her thinking that FINALLY, we emotionally connected, and then her eyes widened and then boom, rejection. I felt stupid and annoyed at myself for even trying.</p><p></p><p>So what was the trigger? Reaching out physically, touching her, and then experiencing that she recoils away from me yet again in disgust.</p><p></p><p><em>6. Is it something life-threatening?</em></p><p></p><p>Honestly? Am I going to die right now because she rejected me yet again? No. I'm a big boy and I know how to handle my emotions.</p><p></p><p>Am I going to die eventually of not being touched? Yes.</p><p></p><p>Am I over-dramatizing my feelings because I am emotional about being rejected? Not really. I don't expect much from her, and I had no intention of her reaching back out to me and hugging me back, chos v'sholom, nor did I expect a loving response, a kiss, or any kind of intimate response. What I <em>did</em> expect was that she would enjoy being touched and that she would enjoy that her husband reached out lovingly towards her and pulled her into him so that he can push his chest against her stomach and lay his head in her bosom. </p><p></p><p>I was hoping to just spend a moment sharing my emotions with her and loving her. I was hoping that she would experience that I love her, and that whatever her emotional turmoil that caused her to come into my office for support, I hoped that in addition to good advice, good listening, good reflective speaking, a smile, and some encouragement, I thought she would also enjoy a bit a physical connection too. Nope, that was just me.</p><p></p><p>Looking back to just now a few minutes or weeks from now? What just happened was inconsequential. It will have no affect on our future, and it is just yet one more rejected attempt to reach out and touch.</p><p></p><p><em>7. Is there anything about that emotion that you don't understand?</em></p><p></p><p>I don't remember what emotion I was feeling, because I have already calmed myself down and moved on. Being rejected by her is nothing new. Honestly, 99% of the time, I don't even try to have any physical contact with her because she will almost 100% of the time reject it. So, why should just now have been any different? </p><p></p><p>Usually I just give her space, but after what we just went through these past few days (where she completely had a hissy fit of rage and anger over putting thoughts into my head I was not thinking), I thought perhaps this was an "I'm sorry" from her, or at least an attempt at a reconciliation so that we can have a better marriage.</p><p></p><p>What don't I understand about MY emotion? I don't know why I keep reaching out to her. I don't know why I keep trying. I don't know why I have endless optimism that perhaps this time things will be different. Things are never different. She doesn't love me. She thinks I am a selfish bastard.</p><p></p><p><em>8. What can you learn from this experience?</em></p><p></p><p>What can I learn from this? To keep my f*n hands to myself. To stop seeing her as my wife, and to start seeing her as someone who has already disconnected herself from me. </p><p></p><p>I should probably just shut down my emotions or learn to express them with other people. Apparently Hashem didn't want me to have a wife. I am a workhorse, not a person. I am a thing to be used and thrown away when she is done with me. I should probably learn to live with that because I'd rather live this life of emotional emptiness and move on once the kids are grown up rather than move on now (already grey) and try to "find love" with all the other divorced men who were smart enough to leave their wives before they started a family together. I would never destroy my family trying to find my own happiness, especially because there is still the possibility that my wife is right and that I really am the problem here.</p><p></p><p>Rather, I'll just keep growing, and I'll become a better person whether my wife can see it or not. Then if she still sees me as a piece of garbage she can throw away, by the time we're older, assuming I was unsuccessful in endlessly trying over and over again (I'll never stop) to show her love and support, maybe I'll have come to terms that she was never able to receive love, and I'll find other ways to find connection, tranquility and peace. Maybe I'll take up boxing, and I'll find my source of connection in life getting punched in the face. It seems that is less painful than being stabbed in the heart. Realitically, I do realize that there is a strong possibility that I am the cause of my own problems here.</p><p></p><p>OK, answering honestly. I need to learn from this experience that nobody just forgives another person overnight, and that relationships take time to heal, and I should give our relationship as much time as it needs. After all, I have another 16 years to burn before my kids are grown up and are out of the house. I am hoping that by then I will have fixed the problems here, and if not, maybe I'll have the humility then to love and accept my wife for whoever she is, as she is. Maybe by then I will have found another way of expressing and feeling love, and we'll be getting along great!</p><p></p><p><em>9. What would be one to three things that you can do in the future not to feel that way again?</em></p><p></p><p>HAHA how do I not feel rejected again? Stop trying to improve things. Stop trying to reach out to her in love. Learn to read the room and not to let my hopes and my wishes influence the actual vapid unemotional emptiness and abyss of nothing but broken dreams that is probably really in front of me.</p><p></p><p>So yeah, avoid the trigger. Find my own ways to give myself the hugs I need. Give hugs to the kids, have meaningful relationships with friends and community members, lay under my heavy blanket when I need a hug. Anything but try to get it from someone who can't understand how much I need it.</p><p></p><p>In the instructions, it says, "other times we need to let go of things, end a negative relationship, or go to therapy." End a negative relationship... that makes me want to cry.</p><p></p><p><em>10. What could you do right now to feel better?</em></p><p></p><p>I could end this stupid line of questioning which is only leading me further down the thought process of being angry at both myself for thinking something might someday be there when I'm already very worried that she's no longer there emotionally. The therapist says she is starting to reach out, and I'll believe that when I see it. But at this point, I could only keep her happy by doing things for her, watching the baby when she wants me to watch him, take care of the kids and do anything I can to alleviate her from her being a parent, and give her as much freedom as she needs to find ways to fly the coup.</p><p></p><p>At this point in my old age with my grey'ing beard, I am more than happy to sacrifice my own physical needs for love and touch and intimacy and closeness, and having the kind of relationship I'm pretty sure a Jewish husband and wife are supposed to have together in return for providing for my family with love and being a present and loving father (as much as I can) that brings our children up with good values and moral support. If love is in the card for me, I'll get it when I get it. I just hope it ends up being with my wife where we have a long, happy marriage together and we die at an old age in each other's arms.</p><p></p><p><em>11. How much has your emotional state improved compared to how you felt at the beginning of this session?</em></p><p></p><p>I'm actually feeling a bit better about this. I'm feeling more "calm in my head." I have come to terms with my situation, and while I can always be hopeful that things will improve, I won't be stupidly optimistic like I just was. I should always remember who I am dealing with. I don't know what or who broke her and shut her down emotionally, but at least I'll give her a good life and a good parenting experience. Beyond that, let's hope there is something left between us once our kids leave the home and we are forced to look at our relationship as husband and wife, and not only as father and mother. </p><p>I do have to admit that every rejection, every opening and then rapidly shutting down again, every attempt followed by a certain withdrawal really chips away at me emotionally. I feel like it deprives me of my humanity, of my sanity, and it leaves me hurt and jaded. Sometimes I'm so afraid to even try because I really don't want to experience the rejection that is certain to be the result, or the result after whatever <i>pyrrhic victory</i> I might experience in momentarily succeeding in lowering her shield (only to disappoint her immediately afterwards and feel the guillotine of sadness and dejection as soon as her shields come crashing back into place like armor securing her from further perceived hurt or misunderstanding).</p><p></p><p>In sum, my heart is still racing, and I'm annoyed and a bit angry. I am truly loving, however, the prompts the AI is giving me. It is basically telling me to stop trying to get the intimacy and connection I desire, and find other "outlets" to experience intimacy and connection. Hahaha. </p><p></p><p><i>G-d, you make those permissible outlets forbidden, and yet you put me right it the path of sin in order to satisfy my desires for connection while at the same time keeping me from experiencing real love and connection through the "kosher" ways I am supposed to sublimate my desires and channel my love and natural inclinations in a holy and G-dly way. Why don't you just order me to keep kosher while you are at it, but forbid me from eating anything fleishig except pig? Do you really want me to eat nothing at all? Ever? Really? Do you really have that much trust in me to think that I can be that holy?</i></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-35382421272029707282023-06-07T06:11:00.009-04:002023-06-11T11:38:52.375-04:00June 5, 2023 Therapy Session (Why I Block Emotions)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-Ic8FDlPyH5OuMsjY6G9dAsbK8-UVUG7bsxjJmzEuW6IkXvm07Eyo0EP91hlMJcShOhlegS1vY_qmfA9-FsjAZhMP-Hk_7deEwRTNIjwy8HbYLFEbswoeVREPZ9GCj2mJgvk31yG6PDcgm5hBDtvn_-66lc0g9HQpVlzGxSTUgtGtdcyRqc/s1280/person-gb174468e3_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="855" data-original-width="1280" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-Ic8FDlPyH5OuMsjY6G9dAsbK8-UVUG7bsxjJmzEuW6IkXvm07Eyo0EP91hlMJcShOhlegS1vY_qmfA9-FsjAZhMP-Hk_7deEwRTNIjwy8HbYLFEbswoeVREPZ9GCj2mJgvk31yG6PDcgm5hBDtvn_-66lc0g9HQpVlzGxSTUgtGtdcyRqc/s320/person-gb174468e3_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><h2 style="text-align: left;">My Therapist says I don't let my emotions out.</h2><p></p><p>The premise of this morning's session was that after so many years of thinking that I was in touch with my emotions (I still think I am), while I might be feeling my emotions, I have been informed that they are not being expressed in my facial expressions or my body language.</p><p></p><p><b>I am stoic. I am like a poker player. There is no "tell" as to how I am feeling, and my body language blocks this too. </b></p><p></p><p>I always thought that was a good thing, especially since I feel so much loneliness, pain, and sadness each day. Who would want to let something like that out into the world for other people to see? Why let my emotions out? ...AS IF someone would see my sadness and they would feel ANYTHING for me?! AS IF someone would take a moment and share a kind gesture or a bit of non-selfish warmth towards me?</p><p></p><p>If I cannot get this from the woman I love -- from the most important person in my life -- then why in the world would I dare risk the pain of feeling these crap feelings if there is nobody there to express them to, or to share them with??</p><p></p><p>I am alone.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">I know emotions need to be experienced or they won't go away.</h2><p></p><p>I know, I am only speaking emotionally. It is so important for me to feel my emotions -- all of them, even the painful ones. Without feeling them, they don't just go away; they wait there... lurking... in line waiting for me to be ready to give them the love and attention they deserve. THEN, when I feel them, they feel comfortable leaving me and they are free to be released back into the world.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Loneliness in Marriage</h2><p></p><p>But I don't want to feel these emotions. None of them. I don't want to feel sad, despondent, lonely... like a failure that I made really stupid decisions in my life, and now I am stuck in a relationship that I don't want to leave, but which leaves me unfulfilled, lonely, and alone. "I can fix this!" I say to myself over and over. </p><h3 style="text-align: left;">The Uphill War for Love</h3><p></p><p>Each time I try, after fighting what feels like a literal war "to get the woman," well, she slips away from me. I might have many weeks of woo'ing, pursuing, showing attention to, and loving with a direct purpose of strengthening the connection between us -- and by extension, the intimicy shared between us as a husband and wife are SUPPOSED to WANT to experience together --, but if that ever happens, the next day it is erased and I must start over again. It is so tiring!</p><p></p><p>You would think it is the MAN who slips away, out of the bed in the middle of the night; you would think it is the guy who loses interest as soon as he scores his touchdown. Maybe here, I'm not the man, and my female "husband" has no interest in showing any attention to me, and so I remain the masculinely male "wife" in the relationship who wishes that her husband would even glance ONCE at her. I don't wear any fancy negligées, and I do not clip "How to be a better lover" articles from the newspaper -- she wouldn't be interested, and she would find my attempts for closeness to be a burden.</p><p></p><p>"I am one of the kids" to her, as she says frequently. I am only a burden to her. All I want from her is the limited amount of emotional energy she does not have to share with me; she does not WANT to share with me. I'm still the selfish bastard that hurt her in 2016 with my criticisms and my critiques when we were newly married, but it only gets worse from there <i>[even though I became a more compassionate, thoughtful, and loving husband in 2009, 3 years after trying to make our marriage what I thought we were supposed to be; where we happily played our roles as husband and wife, father and son, provider of the home and provider of the family. Yeah, it got worse.]</i></p><p></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Her Trauma is ME.</h3><p>It's too painful to even share what happened since 2009. I am ashamed, I am humiliated, I am ripped apart with sadness, grief, and agony. Even now, I cannot believe my wife went through what she did, all under my nose, all under my "watchful eye." She experienced trauma for so many years and I did not see it because I was loving, I was caring, but to her, she was stuck in an -- dare I say, from the outside world, imaginary, but to her experience, REAL -- abusive cycle of pain.</p><p></p><p>OK, so I'm going there. This is really painful for me.<i> [Damn you, privacy. In respect of my wife's privacy interests so that I do not embarrass her "secrets," I did "go there," but then the next day, I edited out the specifics of what I wrote about below. Sorry; I believe in honesty, but in this life, I seem to live with a muzzle around my lips always been told not to tell the truth about what is happening around me.]</i></p><p></p><p>I have always believed strongly in roles. Women roles, male roles, Rabbi roles, student roles, who is the child, who is the adult, who is the master, who is the servant (bad examples, not relevant to this), and so on.</p><p></p><p>As a Jewish husband, I <em>understood</em> that it was best for me to give attention to my wife all day, every day, doting on every need, every desire, every wish. "Great!" I thought, I can do that. Even emotionally, I <em>thought</em> I was emotionally present (always working on this one, because there is always room for improvement), giving her attention every day, every week. </p><p>What I was not aware of was that while I was trying to make our relationship fine, she was experiencing trauma. I think she should have confided IN ME about the trauma, but I was the problem. I was the one that according to her was emotionally closed. I was the one who couldn't "see" her or the pain she was in. I was the one who in the early years of our marriage didn't understand yet the importance of keeping criticisms to myself, or better yet, don't even feel criticisms towards your wife. Just let things slide -- life doesn't need to be the way we were told things would be. She didn't need to be the wife I thought I was marrying, and I didn't need to be... well, I have no idea what she wanted me to be to her. She is still not happy and she won't tell me why.</p><p>Maybe I'm just an idiot. Maybe I'm just emotionally closed. Maybe I'm just so self-involved as she thinks I am, where everything I do -- whether it is spending time with the kids, buying her flowers, or saying hello to her just to see how she is doing -- she interprets each of these things as "he [the selfish bastard] is doing this for himself."</p><p>But while I can't defend myself to her because every denial seems to just affirm her suspicions that I am not listening to her, and while I can't defend myself to our marriage counselor because every time I do, I am "being defensive" and I am not hearing her true pain, and I must put my own thoughts aside of how I remember things to be, and I must see things from her perspective, as if every skewed memory is true, every warped understanding of context, or why I did a particular thing I did is false (even though I was the one who remembers what I was thinking when I did something because I was the one who did it).. But no... MY REALITY must be put aside, and I must entertain her reality with all of her assumptions and warped way of seeing things that happened, placing into me thoughts I did not have, intentions I did not think... and instead of my reality, I must enter into HER WORLD, HER REALITY so that I can see her as she really is... to see her and the pain she is really experiencing.</p><p>Reading that, you probably thought I didn't do that, right? WRONG. This therapy session where the therapist suggested that I place "my reality" aside so that I can see "her reality" was more than six months ago, and I immediately understood exactly what she was speaking about, and I was immediately able to jump into her world and see things the way she was seeing things and experiencing them. It made me feel like crap that "I" (the husband of her internal story that she has been creating for herself) did all those aweful things, and that "I" thought all of those aweful things, and that "I" had all those terrible intentions each time I did something -- whether it was a hug, an inquiry into "hey, you look sad -- how are you doing," or "let's spend some time together," -- all of these things were some evil "me" who hurt her, criticized her, harmed her, hurt her, didn't see the pain that she was feeling.<br /></p><p>[YOU KNOW, I totally erased, edited, and danced around what I wrote here the first time. I was VERY SPECIFIC about something that "real me" did in real life, but that when she saw it through the lens of "evil me," as she did in the stories she told herself, she turned me into a sinister, horrible person -- a person I would never have wanted to live with either. But to protect her absolute secretive need for privacy from everyone outside the 4 walls of our home, I made the edit after realizing that she wouldn't want her friends to know what she really experienced.]</p><p>I almost feel like a convicted criminal for something I know she feels like I did (or neglected to do), but it hurts my heart to have been seen as someone who thinks that way, who acts that way. Where is my pain for my intentions being so so badly misunderstood and judged so viciously? I'm editing this post now, so I don't want to mess up the stream of thought I had when I wrote it the first time.</p><p>Bottom line, I truly did see that she was sad all of these years. I could read on her face every time she was upset, and I understood that she was sad, but when I asked her what was bothering her, she denied that she was sad or unhappy. She made me think that I was imagining what I was clearly seeing on her face so often, so frequently. There were so many times in our marriage I wanted her to consider taking medicine for what appeared to me to be depression -- and there were times she was so depressed that I couldn't even get a "hello" out of her. But she told me everything was fine, and so I learned to just listen to her and not push deeper than she wanted me to go.<br /></p><p>I learned to trust that when she says she is fine, that she probably is fine. And, if she is upset, I learned from our first bout of marriage counseling not to take things so personally. Just because she is upset doesn't mean that it was about me. So yeah, we've had many years of a rocky relationship, but I trusted her when I noticed she was not happy, and so I inquired about her feelings, and she said things over and over that things were fine. </p><p></p><p>But I knew in my heart that everything was <em>NOT FINE.</em> I thought she was lying to me, but I never could put my finger on it where she wasn't being honest with me, because I could always find places I could improve, things I could have done to make her feel more loved, etc. But every time we were in the same room, it felt like it was only me in the room and I couldn't understand WHY. Now I know -- I was the only one in the room; there was nobody "standing in the closet" with me. She was somewhere else, emotionally "checked-out," experiencing who knows what kind of pain, and I was left alone, confused, wondering why my wife was not emotionally "with me."</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">The pain I do NOT want to touch.</h3><p></p><p>IF you want to know what kind of pain I myself don't want to touch? It is the pain of fiery sadness, anger, rage, and literally shame and grief because 1) not only was I the stupid, oblivious husband that knew nothing of the agony of what my wife was going through for so many years (again, I <em>wanted</em> to know; I asked over and over again and she kept it from me), but 2) she turned me into the abuser -- a selfish person who did not see her, who did not see the pain she was experiencing. We spent so many months focusing only on her pain in therapy, and rightly so -- she is the one that experienced this. But do you want to know my pain?!</p><p></p><p>Do you have ANY idea how that felt for me to be turned into such a horrible selfish person? I feel like a criminal, accused and convicted for something I literally did (I did the things she remembers I did; I said the things she remembers that I said), but how she twisted so much into evil was kept from me. I don't know if I am more sad for her or angry at myself, or angry at HER for letting this happen for so many years!! All that love wasted, all the energy wasted, all that time literally turned into shit and turned from something so beautiful and wonderful into something so demonic, evil, and horrible.</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Two Worlds... Both REAL.</h2><p></p><p>I struggle so hard with the two realities -- was I really the abuser she made me into? Or was I really a loving husband but all this trauma was created in her head and was a story she told herself? And, when I know all of the efforts <em>I did</em> over the years -- all the love, all the work, all the sharing, but her reality was that anything that came from me was shit that was worthless and meaningless to her -- how do I reconcile those two realities? And how today do I stand tall with a smile when I know that she still feels like punishing me for the misdeeds I have done both in the real world and in the stories she told herself? How do I look her in the eye knowing this is how she spent so many years seeing me, when I too felt real pain in our relationship, but I acknowledged my own flaws and faults, and I worked (and continue to work) to improve myself and to make myself a better person?</p><p></p><p>So this is my loneliness. This is my pain. In one reality, I am a loving husband who tries as hard as I can to be emotionally present for my family, to work hard to be supportive of our life together, to be a good father to our children and a kind and gentle person to our family. In the other reality, I am that selfish bastard to her that for so many years did not see the struggle and the agony my wife went through, and it was right in front of my face happening under my nose.</p><p></p><p>Am I a dumb fool?? How could I NOT have seen this? I knew she was in pain all these years, but she never let me see it. Do I defend myself that I tried to see it but that she hid it from me? Or do I accept her reality that I am an abuser that needs to make endless amends and endless "I'm sorry's" for something I didn't do in the first place? ...but I did do it, right? To her, I did it.</p><p></p><p>So this wasn't my therapy session. This was a piece of my pain, and now I have no emotional energy to continue.</p><p><i>Again, I hate you world for forcing me to hide myself and my true thoughts and feelings. I hate you world for muzzling me yet again because my wife would be embarrassed if I shared the truth about what happened. [As if lying to the world for so many years that I wasn't being beaten and abused by my parents and neglected and not fed and forced to live in filth most of my childhood wasn't enough. Now in my adulthood I am forced to lie again for the "woman in my life," this time the one who would be ashamed if the world knew what she experienced when she was shown judgement and criticism at first in our marriage, but then love and kindness as I grew and developed with so much effort into a better person.] And I hate you world for putting me in this situation where so many things I have done have been twisted and warped into something ugly and in so many circumstances evil and shameful. What did I do to deserve this, G-D? Why was giving up my life to live a life of frumkeit rewarded with a wife who sees me as evil and with so much pain and loneliness I don't know what to do with myself? Why is this a reward for doing the right thing and making the right decisions in life?!</i></p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-41456553511643741562021-10-20T18:51:00.020-04:002021-10-20T19:10:29.896-04:00Virginity. Don't lie to your kallah. Omissions are LIES.<p>This Frumpter blog used to be my source of comfort to throw around what I thought were anonymous ideas. I was deeply saddened to learn that having a blog identity did not keep my identity private, and eventually I felt as if I was the laughing stock of the community to those who knew who I was. Thus, I stopped writing in horror.</p><p>It has been too many years, and I do not remember the things about myself I "changed" to preserve my privacy. Today, with the Google login forwarding to my real e-mail address and my real phone number, there is no longer privacy. So with this in mind, I wanted to share a few marriage-level experiences with you about secrecy.</p><p>I always thought that there was a private self, and a public self -- even in a marriage. There were thoughts I kept to myself, and things I did before I was married which deserved to belong in the dustbin of history.</p><p>Women do not think that way; well, at least my wife does not think that way. She ascribes to the "open and honest" philosophy. I ascribed to the "be the best person you can be given current circumstances and leave the past in the past" philosophy. These philosophies clashed last week.</p><p><b><u>RULES</u></b>:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>LYING</b>. Obviously an omission is a form of lying. Leaving out relevant details which remove the choice from the person you are speaking to is lying.</li><li><b>FOLLOWING A RABBI'S ADVICE TO OMIT INFORMATION is also lying</b>. Even if years later you have not thought about the topic.</li><li><b>VIRGINITY</b> or the lack thereof is a very bad topic to lie about.</li><li><b>PAST GIRLFRIENDS</b> is another very bad topic to lie about.</li></ul><p></p><p><i>I think you are starting to understand what happened...</i></p><p><br /></p><p><b><u>BACKGROUND</u></b>: It occurred to me recently that my wife thought I was a virgin when we got married. I wanted to correct that misconception [after 15+ years of marriage], especially because I was pretty sure she knew that I dated girls and was a regular non-religious guy who went clubbing, was a member of a fraternity, and did a whole bunch of things I no longer do as a religious man before we met. </p><p>I tried to speak to her about my past multiple times since this happened, but our communication has not been that good lately, and each time I tried to breach the topic of sex before marriage, boyfriends, or what we did when, she was not interested in speaking to me about these topics.</p><p>I asked a friend for guidance on whether I should correct her misconception. She answered, "if it is not something that you need to 'get off of your chest' (which is was not), then there is no need to speak to her about this topic." My friend then turned around and blabbed to her that I was not a virgin when I got married and that I had girlfriends before her.</p><p>In tears, my wife confronted me immediately after this. I answered every uncomfortable question honestly and without hesitation, but these topics were topics I was told while I was shidduch dating that YOU DO NOT DISCUSS.</p><p>For the next week, she was deeply betrayed by my lie of OMISSION. When we were shidduch dating, we started discussing the topic of our pasts. I told her that my rabbi suggested that we do not speak about our pasts because past girlfriends do not belong in a marriage relationship; they belong in the past. I thought all these years that she knew there were girlfriends, but unknown to me, I learned that <i><u>her kallah teacher lied to her and told her I was a virgin</u></i>.</p><p>I never met her kallah teacher, and I assume that the kallah teacher either got confused (she wasn't young), or that my rabbi lied to her (possible), or perhaps that his wife (the rebbitsen) didn't know about my past, and she spoke to the kallah teacher on my behalf. Either way, intentional or not, my wife was told I was a virgin -- <b>a lie</b>.</p><p>I tried to explain to her that 1) I did not know she did not know, 2) I did not create the lie, I wasn't involved in the lie, and I never knew the kallah teacher told her I was a virgin, and 3) I was just following the instructions (one of MANY) that I was given when I was shidduch dating.</p><p>During our marriage, I thought begrudgingly about the topic of past girlfriends and how I was not supposed to speak about them, and over the years, I tried to share all of the stories with her that she would need to know, but I left the girl out of the stories. In my recent marriage-level fight with my wife, she screamed that this was lying by ommission (and it WAS), but I thought I was still following the rule of "don't bring your past girlfriends into your marriage." I thought I was being open and expressive, and that I was sharing stories of my past with her when really I was just lying over and over by hiding relevant information about the girlfriends who were part those stories.</p><p><br /></p><p><b><u>THE LESSON</u></b> that I learned from this (and the lesson that I need to share with you) is... DON'T LISTEN BLINDLY when a rabbi or authority figure tells you to do something that is against your ethics. THINK FOR YOURSELF for each of your belief systems. And, <b>LYING IS WRONG!</b></p><p>If you are a baal teshuva, then you likely changed your belief system to fit the belief system of the rabbis and your yeshiva peers. "Make your thoughts G-d's thoughts, and then you will by G-dly yourself," I used to be told over and over in yeshiva. "Align your thoughts and values with Torah, and you will live a good and happy life." </p><p>This is all true, but Rabbis telling you to lie about your past (sorry, "not talk about your past") is not "aligning your thoughts and values with G-d's thoughts and his Torah." Really, <i>the discussion of my past girlfriends and what I did with them was really a discussion I should have had with my shidduch date to LET HER make the decision whether I am the kind of guy she is willing to marry</i>. <b>By LYING BY OMISSION about my past, I took that decision away from her</b>. I also violated her trust all of these years by CONTINUING TO LIE about that topic -- not actively, not even thoughtfully (I thought 15 years later that I was still following the rules of what is appropriate and inappropriate topics to discuss), but good intentions or not, it was still <b>a LIE</b>.</p><p><br /></p><p><b><u>UPDATE</u></b>. You should know that my wife has since forgiven me for being an idiot all of these years. She faults me for not thinking for myself and for allowing me to get brainwashed into thinking that it was okay to deceive her all of these years. <i>Personally, I am pretty disgusted with myself for hurting her, and for not revisiting that topic</i>, and I wonder whether there are other "it's not nice, it's not appropriate to discuss this" topics there are that I have not yet thought for myself about what is right or wrong, and that I still haven't discussed with my wife.</p><p>She wants an "open and honest relationship," and since our fight, there have been things that we discussed, and within the topics of past girlfriends, conclusions she made that for 30 seconds or so I was quiet about -- that I did not want to speak about -- but then I decided to interject and apologize for not immediately correcting her on the topic. Then I would speak about it, whatever it was, uncomfortable or not.</p><p>Honestly, with so many years of marriage communication (and often the lack of communication), I wonder what things I *should* speak about, and what things I should keep to myself. I probably still have many "believe this" beliefs that were given to me from my rabbi and my yeshiva that I have not thought about lately, if ever. I probably am following many rules without even thinking of them as to why they are there and whether they are right or wrong.</p><p>I guess the lesson I wanted to convey is that I never meant to hurt my wife, but not speaking about something because you were told it is inappropriate or not tznius is not a reason not to speak about it. In every circumstance, I need to ask myself, "is this something that my wife would want to know about," and if yes, she deserves the truth over and over.</p><p><br /></p><p><b><u>UNTOLD STORY</u></b>: There is so much more to this story -- secrets I thought <b><i>she was keeping FROM ME</i></b> which have been causing me to mistrust her all these years... I feel like such an idiot that I have had the opportunity to ask her so many questions since this fight happened (we have established a new understanding of each other as a result of this fight, and hopefully we are building each other's trust). To my confusion, those so-called "secrets" I have been harping on all these years are turning out to be me projecting my own secrets onto her past, the stories of which FOR HER never happened.</p><p>As a result, now I am seeing my wife as a woman who is a different person from the woman I thought I was married to for the past 15 years. She is a different person simply because the stories I thought were there [that I suspected were hidden from me] never happened. This changes things, and it changes her. It also explains so much that has confused me all these years. </p><p><br /></p><p><b><u>MY CONFUSION</u></b>: For her privacy, I will abstain from going into those details, but I am feeling a cascade of changes in my understanding of arguments I have had with her. Can a person just be a kind person who in her youth liked to party with her friends, work hard in school, and never fraternize with boys as boys fraternize with girls (touch, seduction, hookups) and keep from getting into relationships prior to marriage? Are there such people in the world who are able to maintain their innocence in such a horrible morally corrupted world? I am having such a hard time rethinking all of this.</p><p><i>*NOTE: The last time I wrote in this blog was 2017. Now it is 2021, and I still do not check e-mails. I might not see your message, but I still appreciate your feedback.</i></p>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-37542150341306482102017-02-15T20:23:00.005-05:002017-02-15T20:23:57.261-05:00"There is no world" versus "Bereishis Bara;" a Dose of Reality.So, I have ten minutes and the blog window is open. I wanted to share something philosophical with you, which is probably attributable to something wrong with me, but whatever.<br />
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I have always seen life as fluid, "streaky." Light has always flashed before my eyes, and without glasses, one thing seems to merge into everything else.<br />
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Couple that with some cell theory that when you touch something (e.g., a table), cells of your leave your body and join to become the structure of the table, and cells of the table leave the table on a cellular level and join to become part of who you are.<br />
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We are not talking <i>shmutz </i>here, but real transference of cells. Pretty cool concept. Add in the thought that the world is pretty much empty space, and you have a world view that says that the world doesn't exist except for an illusion which tricks you into believing it is real, and then there is that "<i>Bereishis Bara</i>" problem where G-d CREATED a world, tangible and real to you.<br />
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Then there are <i>mitzvos </i>which bring down G-dly energy which re-vivifies the world and studying Torah, which is a physical vessel (a <i>klaf </i>and ink, or in English, a scroll, parchment, and ink), yet it is able to hold and contain G-d's essence himself, as if we could understand such a concept.<br />
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Like a dog can see a <i>malach </i>without freaking out (because it lacks the comprehension that it is looking at a spiritual entity), when we study Torah, we connect with G-d in a way that if we truly understood what we were doing, we would expire and die from the G-dly light. Yet we don't. We look at the parchment and ink, we read the words, and it does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to us, as if we were a dog unable to comprehend the magnitude of what we are seeing or doing when we read a word of Torah.<br />
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Then there is the TV screen problem, namely, that I see my reality as if my eyes are glued to a TV screen and as if the TV screen is like VR goggles (virtual reality glasses). The better analogy is eyes being glued to the TV with sticky glue, and thus we 'see' our body, and the 'world' that Hashem created for us to live in. But... just as a TV can be shut off, so can our reality. <br />
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I have often visualized a spaceless expanse that when I "shut off" the TV, I can float down, up, forward, backwards... in any direction like a Peter Pan, and yet the 'image' of the TV remains in front of me. I can in my mind switch it on or off, but independent of what my eyes see and what my mind tells me is real, it also tells me that the spaceless expanse is also just as real, if not more so.<br />
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So I live in the world and allow myself to trick myself that everything is real, when in my heart, I suspect it is not. But then, "<i>Bereishis Bara</i>," so who knows.Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-64124408736462738852017-02-15T20:02:00.001-05:002017-02-15T20:05:01.089-05:00Lifting the Veil of Fog (so, Waking).I am writing this after having experienced a re-awakening after a few days, but last Wednesday after writing the "dying" article, I resolved that the current vitamin regimen wasn't working, and that I would go back to the DHA that was working for me.<br />
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I ordered it last Wednesday, and it arrived the following day. I took 300mg of the vitamin on Thursday night, and then again on Friday morning again.<br />
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Friday morning, I lay on the floor of my office taking one nap after another (<i>"Alexa, set alarm for 15 minutes"</i> over and over again), and around noontime, something weird happened. <b><u><i>I felt as if the veil of fog lifted from before me.</i></u></b><br />
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"That was weird," I thought. All of a sudden, I was able to think, and not just think, but I could think clearly... about life, about work, about goals, and so I grabbed a pen and paper, and started goalsetting (something I have not done in weeks).<br />
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I called my wife and said, "I don't know what has come over me, and I hope it is a permanent thing, but for the first time in weeks, I can think clearly. I am almost afraid this is a fluke, but whatever it was -- whether it was the Alter Rebbe's Tanya I started learning deeply, or the new vitamin (likely the vitamin), it was working."<br />
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I wish my wife was more supportive, but it seemed as if she was happy to hear the good news, but she didn't really appreciate what a big deal it was. I think she sees me as lazy or unmotivated, and this hurts.<br />
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Anyway, I wish I could make this article more exciting for you, but really, that is all I have to share. It is now five days later, and I have maintained the clarity, but I still don't like the idea that my ability to think is hinged on my maintaining some drug or vitamin chemical level in my brain. I wish I functioned well without having the need to DO anything or TAKE anything. My inability to think without vitamins or chemicals makes me feel flawed.<br />
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Anyway, it is the late afternoon on Wednesday, and I did not take my afternoon vitamins (nor have I had my afternoon coffee), and I am feeling a bit down in the dumps. I am lacking motivation, but I understand that it is not that I have no motivation; I am simply not feeling it.<br />
<br />Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0Brooklyn, NY 11225, USA40.6648278 -73.956555140.640738299999995 -73.9968956 40.6889173 -73.9162146tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-53231671427952142242017-02-08T19:59:00.000-05:002017-02-15T20:01:09.198-05:00DyingMy vitamin regimen is not working. It has been how many weeks since I started taking the vitamins for ADD, and I am literally feeling nothing. It has also been three weeks since I gave up soda, aspartame, and artificial sweeteners cold turkey. Instead, I purchased a soda stream and have been making seltzer each day with some non-artificial sweeteners.<br />
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Yet it has been three weeks, and my brain is still a fog. I have difficulty focusing, and my motivation has dropped through the floor. Honestly, I feel as if I am just clawing to make it through the day, only to repeat the same dreadful devoid of meaning routine and day of taking care of the morning routine with the kids -- getting them woken up, negelvasser, dressing them, getting them fed and out the door, only to repeat the process with the younger kids for a second round. Then, exhausted, I go to work, and without motivation to do anything, I take care of the incoming inquiries and I take whatever calls come my way, all the while struggling with a foggy brain and waiting for the day to be over. I come home (usually in a rush because I've lost track of time), I take some child to some afterschool activity, I get a 30-minute workout at the gym, I pick them up, put everyone to bed with kisses, and I do it all over again the next day.<br />
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This evening coming home from a grueling day at work (where I feel as if I got nothing done) [brain fog, wanting to roll into a ball and cry], I sat down in my office at home which has been taken over by my wife with her post-graduate medical program. I told the kids to please leave the room, and they didn't listen. I waited a few minutes asking a few more times and being ignored before I screamed, "get out of the office!"<br />
<br />
My wife looked at me, and said, "If you died tomorrow, their last memory of you would have been you screaming at them." Not exactly understanding what she was referring to, I smiled at the thought that tomorrow I could die, and I thought, "Baruch Hashem!" At least then I would be released from this life of boredom, meaningless, headaches and pain.<br />
<br />
When I told her this, she got concerned, as if I should see a doctor or something. "I'm not suicidal!" I exclaimed. Rather, it would be nice to get away from all this garbage and my meaningless existence.<br />
<br />
I thought more about it, and maybe I didn't eat lunch, or maybe I didn't drink that second cup of coffee (I haven't been drinking much coffee since I gave up artificial sweetener), or maybe I was dehydrated, or maybe my brain was mush from staring at the computer all day, who knows. Either way, when I later took my daughter to her afterschool activity (of which I am sitting in the cafeteria typing this article), I couldn't help but to almost start crying when I was talking to her.<br />
<br />
I am obviously not anywhere near ending my life, but you know, if it ended via natural means in a way that wouldn't hurt my family, that would be great. I could feel myself dying inside just from the thought of being willing to let go, as if -- if I willed it strong enough, I might just be successful in dying just because I will it to be so, without any overt action needed. Again, I am obviously NOWHERE NEAR this point, but it amused me to notice this.<br />
<br />
[ENDED ARTICLE HERE.] <i>[<u>NOTE</u>: I meant to speak about how meaningless I have been feeling life was, and that I was not feeling anything that gave me the feeling of a REASON to be enthusiastic or motivated about life. It all just seemed meaningless.]</i>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0Brooklyn, NY 11225, USA40.6648278 -73.956555140.640738299999995 -73.9968956 40.6889173 -73.9162146tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-24842506343652414622017-01-31T14:28:00.003-05:002017-01-31T15:28:04.096-05:00Six months of a blur... ADHD... discipline... and a struggle between considering medication or self-medication through vitamins and hard work...Six months... That is how much time has passed since I have returned to the US. Six months ago, I had a plan to return to my home, reintegrate with my community, solidify friendships I did not take the time to solidify the last time around, and fix my failing business.<br />
<br />
I had a good start. I came back, spent time with friends asking questions about THEM and THEIR lives, trying to make connections were I was unsuccessful the last time. I made some progress, but then life got in the way and I sank back into my old hermit routines of hiding behind a busy family and a headache I just cannot shake off. It's not a real headache, but rather, it's a bit of depression... or, inability to focus... or unmotivation, whatever. I'm just not on my game.<br />
<br />
My wife went back to school for a graduate program in an area of practice she has been speaking about for years. This is a wonderful accomplishment for her, but in return, I have given up my routine, my sanity, and my ability to function as a cost. I am very happy for her and I will do whatever I can to help her get through it, but I'm suffering as a result in ways she will never see.<br />
<br />
You see, it's been roughly ten years since I started this blog, and I started it to clarify religious concepts of frumkeit that I was still thrashing out, and to understand myself and my surroundings from a philosophical point of view. I stumbled onto other blogs which led my observation inward, where I attributed every psychological disease to myself, trying it on as one tries on a new dress in the fitting room, only to realize that the hips are too wide, or the dress doesn't quite fit right.<br />
<br />
It's been ten years, and I kind of figured out what it is I suffer from, and it embarrasses me how simple an answer it was... ADD (or, as they now call it, ADHD). The thing is... as a rule, I don't believe in ADD. I also don't believe in medication for ADD, and I really believe that people should work through their problems, so here are mine (I've figured them out).<br />
<br />
I suffer from depression as a result of being unable to focus. My mind works at high speeds, but my ability to keep up with my thoughts tires me out. I can't focus well, very often I can't think straight. You wouldn't know it by my thick shell and my calm and cool demeanor, but I am very emotionally sensitive and am usually overstimulated by simple interactions with people (even my own family and kids) to the point that saying hello to someone or having inconsequential interactions overstimulates me to the point that I cannot think, and I often need quiet time to recover (and sometimes I am unable to recover so I know to isolate myself and distract myself with some activity until my mind defuzzes). My wife thinks I need a psychologist from this, but I have tried a few of them over my years and we don't get anywhere... ever. <br />
<br />
I live in a state of overwhelm, even when the stressors are minor. I should be much better than the person I have become, but I live in the shackles of a head that keeps me from being able to be organized enough and motivated enough to do the things I know I need to do, so I procrastinate until deadlines loom, and I forget and forget and... what was I writing about?<br />
<br />
My memory is horrible, not because I have a bad memory, but because I am having difficulty remembering that I am working on a subject, or that some thing, event, or to-do is important to do. I'll start plunging a stuffed toilet, and then I'll walk into another room for whatever purpose, and I will 100% forget that I was plunging a toilet. Or, I'll start a course on whatever topic I determined was important to take my law practice to the next level... or to learn a new skill... or to reach a goal... and mid-way into the project, I will 100% forget that I was doing that project, only to realize months later that it has been weeks or months since I was working on a particular topic, and I never continued it.<br />
<br />
This is fine for a goal or for a project, but when it comes to remembering to pick up the milk, or to pick up my child from school, well, that's an issue. I solve most of my issues by setting clocks and alarms, and this works somewhat well, but I forget simple things, like, what day it is, and... to eat, or to come home from work, and I'll look at the time and it is 10pm, and I was doing who knows what... but not work. That project still had to be submitted because it was due the next day.<br />
<br />
I could go into 1000 more examples. I wear two watches (one on each hand), the watch on the left which reminds me to move every hour or so to reach my step goals, and the one on the right which merely beeps every 30 minutes to remind me that 30 minutes have passed by. It's silly, but seven hours can pass in a few minutes.<br />
<br />
So, I fight through my life with discipline in order to get by. When we returned from Israel, my wife and I arranged that I would focus on what is important to get everything back on track. Our business was failing (believe it or not, not because of my inattention, but because I allowed one client to become 99% of my law firm's business, a big 'no-no', and that client went out of business as soon as I returned to the US, and I needed to rehabilitate it. I took a class at a local law school to teach me the skills I needed to move forward (pretrial litigation, something I never took in law school but was very important), but part two -- trial advocacy -- well, that was this semester, and the professor wouldn't allow non-law-school students to attend, so I bought the books for the course which I hope to get to and read one day.<br />
<br />
NOTE: If I ever wrote a book on this topic, I would call it "Open Parenthesis," because this concept (opening parenthesis) embodies my experience of opening topics, but never getting around to completing them.<br />
<br />
In addition to getting the law firm back on track, I had the project of buying the home we were renting from our in-laws (who bought it for us so that we can buy it back from them when we arrive on US soil), getting our taxes in order with back-filings and IRS estimated payments (the Israeli accountant we hired did not do a number of things we thought he was doing for us, and our accountings were a mess when we returned to the US for more reasons to outline here). On top of that, and possibly most importantly, I wanted to get my 'daylight' schedule back on track. <br />
<br />
I wanted to wake up in the morning, shower, get to minyan, help my wife get the kids to school, get to the gym, then get to my office and have a productive day. For me, this was a brutal undertaking, but for six months, I made it happen... until my wife started school in January.<br />
<br />
I could totally blame her for my life falling apart, but really it is my fault and my inability to be able to handle certain things a normal person should be able to take care of. Since my wife started school, now I do the morning routine with the kids. The first thing I do upon waking is that I wake the kids, get them dressed, fed, and then off to school. Because of the number of kids we have, it makes sense to do this in two shifts -- an "older kid" shift, where the first set of kids are out the door by 8am, and a "younger kid" shift where the younger three kids [who fight, don't get dressed easily, and throw temper tantrums] can get my devoted attention getting them dressed, fed, and out the door by 8:30am. When the younger kids wake before the older kids are out of the house, well, that's a nightmare.<br />
<br />
I tried doing one morning shift with all of the kids together, but I can't handle the crying, the 'he hit me' or 'she's wearing my shoes' or the youngest one's tantrum when she doesn't like what I feed her, or what I dress her in -- and she NEVER likes what I feed or dress her, and it's a daily struggle. Finally when I get them to school, honestly, I have nothing left in me. Really, almost every day, I get them to school, and I collapse, emotionally, physically, or otherwise. I get to work and I lay on the floor looking at the ceiling. Or, I stare at a wall until my emotional tanks recharge. Or, I waste time doing something inconsequential because honestly, I would at that point want to do anything but work.<br />
<br />
This hurts me so much, namely, that I am unable to get them to school and get myself to work. I tried putting davening in the mix, but it doesn't work. I tried putting the gym in the mix, but it too doesn't work. I can't --- and believe me, I am saying this with a cry and a tear -- I really CAN'T do anything after the morning routine except want to roll into a ball and cry. I really don't do this, rather, I walk around in a fog and a stupor for the next few hours, and this sometimes lasts the entire day where 7pm rolls along, and I still haven't gotten any meaningful work done. My wife -- well, she doesn't understand this, and she is dumbfounded and offended why I do not find pleasure in the interactions with the children. She thinks I should treasure these moments, and that there is something seriously wrong with me that I don't. Honestly, I really love my kids, but I find the morning routine very draining. Again -- roll into a ball, want to cry.<br />
<br />
So I've thought about going to a doctor and taking medication for this... ADD, or whatever it is, but I remember the last time I went to a doctor during law school, and he prescribed me Adderall. What I remember, however, was not the increase in productivity, but the feeling of being a failure because I couldn't function on my own two feet without the help of a drug. I remember not wanting to do anything except get off of the drug, which is exactly what I did. I took the bar exam, I got off adderall, and I got married and started a family, started a successful law practice (which [with G-d's help] has kept our family fed, comfortable, lacking nothing) and now we are ten years later.<br />
<br />
I sometimes wonder how life would be different if I stayed on the ADHD drug, but instead, I powered through every mood swing, every bout of depression, and every inability to function with self-medication (usually coffee did the trick -- many, many cups of coffee each day), vitamins, exercise, and a whole lotta discipline.<br />
<br />
Today I take a nice regimen of vitamins, including L-Tyrosene, DLPA, Ibuprofen, GABA, and a good multivitamin. I am doing this based on a book recommendation from a text which goes through the various types of ADHD with an exhaustive questionnaire and a description of the six-known types of ADHD (the book is called "<i>Healing ADD, the Breakthrough Program That Allows You To See and Heal the 7 Types of ADD</i>" by Daniel G. Amen.). The book also recommends medication, but this vitamin regimen is an alternative to it. I am probably three or four weeks into it, and quite honestly, I feel nothing because I don't think it's working, but the book suggested that it might take up to seven weeks before the effects are felt... and, I am not that disciplined in taking the sufficient dosages (...3x/day, or on an empty stomach, etc.), but either way, I am still optimistic.<br />
<br />
Lastly, I haven't been to the gym in a month, and I have regained all of the weight from before I started going to the gym in July when we returned... What a waste of time and energy! I say that with a bit of jest, as no doubt the six months of discipline that I had MUST have had some beneficial longterm affect on my health, and I must think that the months I spent sweating away on the treadmill MUST have benefited my heart or my fitness to the point that I am probably not the same unhealthy body I was when I returned from Israel six months ago. I just somehow gained back all of my weight in one month from snacking and eating unhealthily. <br />
<br />
In sum, life sucks. I have bought a house, rescued my law firm from disaster, got the state and federal taxes in order (I hope), got our finances in order, reintegrated with the community, got fit, got fat, cut out all zero-calorie drinks and aspartame, took over the morning routine, stopped going to minyan, lost all meaning in life (another blog entry for another time), and now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and get through each day before I find the motivation to pick myself up from the bootstraps, as they say, and push through this last bout of fogginess so that I can get my life back in order. Yeah, right. That'll happen.<br />
<br />
<i>NOTE: This doesn't need to be here, but I'm writing this article from a completely self-involved point of view. There are so many people with so many problems far, far worse than anything I am going through, and it is almost embarrassing to think that anything I am dealing with in my own head compares in the minutest way to the 'real' problems others face, e.g., poverty, death, divorce, cancer, abuse, oppression. I live in a free world with apparent free will. My financial needs are taken care of, I have health insurance, I have a way to derive a healthy income (for the time being), I have a happy wife and baruch hashem, a healthy family. While I regret a number of decisions in life, my life has turned out quite well. ALL THIS BEING SAID, I am focusing the conversation in this article on the issues that I personally am struggling with because I want to be and to function at my best so that I can contribute to the world and give thanks to my creator in order to succeed in the mission for which I was created, whatever that may be. I also know that I am not the only one who is dealing with issues such as these, and so perhaps this article can be of use to someone who is also suffering with similar circumstances.</i>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-38747973716179899292016-08-03T19:26:00.003-04:002016-08-03T19:51:11.213-04:00Fight with G-d Almighty and you will for sure lose, but in my heart, I want to start swinging at the sky anyway.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Okay, so re-watching the Al Pacino "G-d is a prankster" scene does not have the same power for me as it once did, but the subtle message within this scene affected what was my young mind (at the time) in a way that it left an indelible mark that has never erased itself.<br />
<br />
"G-d has a sense of humor," is what I remember of this scene, and now more than ever, I am feeling the truth of this statement.<br />
<br />
We arrived back in the US, and the Customs and Border Patrol held our crate back for additional inspection. This was an inconvenience at best, but I wondered whether it was a message from G-d that maybe we weren't supposed to be here. Up front, this thought makes absolutely no sense to me because I am more than thrilled to be back, and I wake up each day excited that there is sunlight outside and I have a minyan to go to. For the first time in my life, I have structure and organization, where in the past, I had none. I am davening each day WITH A MINYAN... on time, with tefillin, with kavanah.<br />
<br />
I even have my "old stuff" back. I am back in my old town with my old friends and acquaintances... I have even been able to re-acquire my old office [which still had my old refrigerator that I left in here when I left]. Everything appears to have fallen in place, and then boom.<br />
<br />
I am not speaking about the container being held back by the CBP, nor am I speaking about the additional scrutiny which I wonder whether it was random or whether it was because I was using VPNs from Israel to access my bank accounts in the US causing a stir when my accounts were frozen for suspected terrorist activities (I was wiring my US funds to my Israeli account) immediately after I made aliyah.<br />
<br />
The "boom" is that while in Israel, my law firm business chugged along. I was running on "three cylinders," so to speak, but the law firm was getting clients, and I was making US dollars to spend in Israel. I came back to the US not only because of the deadly night hours, but because I knew that if my business ever "went bust," I would have no means of supporting my family. I decided that I would return to the US, and I would develop a practice that I could do <i>in Israel, with Israelis as clients, and during Israeli day hours </i>rather than servicing US clients working in the US time zones.<br />
<br />
This is always dumb to do, but I got into the position where most if not all of my law firm's clients came from one set of plaintiffs. I knew that if their company ever went broke that my stream of clients would dry up overnight and I would no longer be able to provide for my family.<br />
<br />
Well, we returned to the US exactly one month ago, and as soon as I landed, I got the dreaded call that this company -- the one from whom I am getting all of my clients -- is going out of business. Apparently, doing what they were doing is no longer profitable, and thus they are closing their doors.<br />
<br />
...Overnight, my firm's client list dried up, and for the moment, I am out of business.<br />
<br />
This is where G-d has a sense of humor. Now that I am davening every day with talis and tefillin with a minyan, and now that I am somewhat connected to him as a Jew should be connected to his creator, is he now punishing me for all of the years of disobedience? Is putting me in the "dog house" his way of saying, "welcome back you mother fucker. now get out!"??<br />
<br />
I was telling my wife about this (that our firm is out of business overnight and that I need to find a new area of practice), and I told her that I was relieved that we came back to the US before this happened, because at least now I can sit down for the next couple of months and reinvent myself with a new area of practice. She retorted, "maybe you lost your business because you came back," as if losing my law firm's clients overnight was a punishment for leaving Israel. I happily twisted her words into thinking that the only reason this company kept their doors open for as long as they did was to feed us while we were in Israel, and it was G-d's mercy that kept us fed over the past two years.<br />
<br />
Now my wife and I have settled on the common Chabad belief that everything G-d does is for a purpose. Hashkacho pratis. That there are no coincidences, only divine providence, and me losing my firm's income source is Hashem being merciful to us because although we cannot see the goodness in this painful experience, this is really being done for the best, and there is only goodness that will come from this.<br />
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Okay, I am not buying it. Me losing my job overnight and essentially having to close our firm's doors, reinvent myself, learn a new area of law, and reopen the firm in a new area of practice sound more to me like G-d is a trickster, and that this is all a test or a prank, and I will need to roll with the punches or get attacked even more severely. Not only do I think G-d is testing me, but I think or I fear that he has determined that the time of me and my family being wealthy has come to an end, and now it is time for us to experience how it feels to be poor once again.<br />
<br />
This thought fills me with anger, because 1) we went to Israel for HIM, to serve HIM, to give our kids over to HIM, to bring them up in HIS way, to provide them HIS education where we would not have been able to provide this on our own, and 2) we moved back and strengthened our connection with him by me going to minyan every day, davening with a talis and tefillin, and spending time getting closer with the community. Why punish us after we took such leaps of faith in G-d's honest truth so that our kids can be brought up with a proper Torah education? It is not like we decided that we don't care about G-d when we came back to the diaspora. Rather, we returned because I was not surviving working the overnights, and it was affecting everyone negatively.<br />
<br />
So why decide all of a sudden when yeshiva tuition is now due, when shul membership will be paid, when I just sold our Israeli car and all of the furniture and "stuff" we bought in Israel at a horrifying loss (essentially giving EVERYTHING away at a total loss) and now I bought my wife a nice newer car, and now we need to buy the house from our in-laws (we committed that they would buy the house for us, and we would buy it as soon as we landed), and now we have to pay for Obamacare, etc., that Hashem decides that it is time for me to lose my income?!?<br />
<br />
This seems like a cruel trick. It seems like a prank. It seems like a joke. Fight with G-d Almighty and you will for sure lose, but in my heart, I want to start swinging at the sky anyway.<br />
<br />
<br />Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-50844424264316459632016-06-30T13:35:00.006-04:002016-06-30T13:47:00.624-04:00When you think you are so smart, maybe you're an idiot. "Common sense. Don't leave home without it."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I just wanted to take a few moments on the eve of us leaving Israel, coincidentally on the Parsha concerning the <i>Meraglim </i>(the "spies").<br />
<br />
I am filled with bitterness and pain from this experience, not because it was Israel, but because of the circumstances in which my life has been lived in the past year or so. <br />
<br />
In short, the idea of "working at night" was stupid. I don't know who thought I could do it, and I question the motives and good intentions [having my best interests at heart] of those who would allow me to be awake overnight EVERY NIGHT and then have me switch back to the daylight hours for Shabbos. This is torture, this is unhealthy, and it is a crude thing to do to a human being. <br />
<br />
I cannot believe I was so stupid to even think that such an arrangement would even be possible. Did I think that my wife and those around me would allow me to sleep late every day without any consequences? Did I think that I would really be allowed to nap during the day while the kids are playing and screaming down the hallway? Did I think that my wife wouldn't be passive aggressive and allow the kids to make noise or make comments that belittle my contribution to the family, our life, our experience?<br />
<br />
Or would it have been smarter if I realized that people are limited both in their abilities and in their moralities, and no matter how much money or financial abundance a husband brings in the late hours of the night, if he is walking around the house all day (or he is at the beach, or working out, or walking around the city) while you are slaving with the housework, then the kids in a foreign country... when he wants to nap in the afternoon you will no doubt feel a bit of resentment (ignoring the fact that what would be a 45 minute nap would be what he needs to stay up until 6:30am the following morning?)<br />
<br />
I don't know, in hindsight, I don't think it was a smart idea to come here, and it was an even dumber idea to think that working at night would work out.<br />
<br />
I also don't know why I was so stupid to allow us to only have one car (as every Israeli family typically does), or to think that my wife wouldn't be the one to dominate that car each and every day [shopping, going out, picking up the kids, etc. at the expense of me not being able to use that car to drive to or from work or to move freely around town to run errands with that car], but in doing so, I would inadvertently isolate, jail, and seclude myself to the point where I would be a slave in my own home -- where everything I would do would be under the peering eye of a well meaning, but no doubt resentful wife who would be paying close attention to everything I do to make sure every moment of my life was filled with as much strife as hers would be.<br />
<br />
Why was I so stupid to think that I could work from a home office without renting office space out of the home? Why would I be so stupid as to jail myself in a situation that would only cause me to feel like a slave, a lab rat, a prisoner, a jailed person, a useless slob who mopes around the house all day tiring himself out, only to start work after everyone else's day has ended? Why did I think this was a good idea?<br />
<br />
Idiot.<br />
<br />
Anyway, now that we are going back, this is my own personal <i>yetzius mitzraim</i>. The first thing I am doing when I return is [after getting my family in order and purchasing the necessities for my wife and children, including a car for my wife,] buying myself a car and renting an office so that I can leave the house in the morning, and not return until men return home from work. I will be once again on my own with my own autonomy, with my own space to breathe, to think, to plan, to work, and to live, where I can provide for my family working more than 10 feet from said family in my face and me in theirs, etc.<br />
<br />
I say this without animosity towards my wife (now twenty paragraphs later after implicitly attacking her). Really, I have every belief that she tried very hard to accommodate my awkward schedule. She took the brunt of the responsibilities in running the home, she took the brunt of the housework, she took the brunt of the kids' homework, their education, their feeding, their playing, their raising, all of which while I did the best I could to be involved in my wife and kids' day life (but really, my focus the entire time was planning my hours so that I can minimize the jet lag that I would inadvertently live with every day).<br />
<br />
I ran on three cylinders. My business (which once flourished) withered and is on its deathbed. I am not healthier than I was when I left. My family and I are not closer, but rather, I resent them for expecting me to live two lives -- one during the day and one during the late night, and not having either life diminish or lose out. Did they think I could live two lives at the same time? <br />
<br />
I am also not more religious than I was when I arrived here. Rather, I have lost my faith in G-d, and I have lost my faith in humanity. I have become dark, angry, ...dark pretty much sums it. I am also jaded, both in the miracles of Hashem, and in the "life of tranquility" I thought I would provide for my children, where the community would provide my children everything they needed spiritually, and my wife and I would be happy as they integrated into Israeli society while we lived the life of flourishing ex-pats, focusing on our parenting skills, our religious experience (and G-d would leap over mountains for us to accommodate our every need because we have taken the leap of faith to move to the land of Israel, the land of milk and honey).<br />
<br />
Yeah, right. I no longer trust people, I don't like people, and I no longer think people are good. Further, I resent people because I do not think that anyone can fully understand what I have just been through. I feel isolated, I feel alone. I feel dead inside. Oh, G-d!<br />
<br />
Hopefully when we return, I could resume the activities that had our family running in good shape. I was involved in the community, I was involved in my children's upbringing and their education, I knew their teachers, and I was part of their lives. Sure I was not always productive at work, but at least I had my own space and my own time to iron out any issues that arose in my business. I had space, I had time, I had room to think, money to breathe, and time to enjoy it.<br />
<br />
We were bored. We thought we could do better for our kids. We thought life would be more comfortable when we are sitting on a cloud being gently guided by a kind G-d, a G-d who warms us, nourishes us, and protects us from harm.Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0Beitar St, Lod, Israel31.958503 34.90070700000001131.955135000000002 34.895664500000009 31.961871 34.905749500000013tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-24888421396905553402016-03-17T08:22:00.002-04:002016-03-17T08:54:39.449-04:00Holding onto the reins of where fate brings "US" (pun intended).<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So... I found a place to work outside our Beitar, Israel apartment while we are waiting for the inevitable day that the shipping company packs our apartment into boxes and puts everything back on a crate. Quite honestly, I am actually very excited, and I feel as if I am "going home."<br />
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As I mentioned before, while I did have another six (6) months in me to work evenings before I burned out once-and-for-all, it made no sense pushing so much only to go home in January rather than July. Plus, I couldn't do that to the kids again -- my wife and I thought that it would be better to leave after their school year ends, and start the new year fresh with their U.S. classmates.<br />
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So a few things have happened recently. We went to the Kotel and prayed to Hashem that he give my wife and I clarity on what we should do. I also wrote a number of letters to the Rebbe asking for some kind of "sign" or "signal" on what we should do, and on both accounts, we got no answer <i>[although I learned yesterday that the Rebbe was very much against "signs" when determining what action or direction to take, especially because ANYTHING can be taken as a "sign," and stupid or wrong decisions can be made on those false "signs."]</i>. That being said, for the past few months, we have been looking at housing near our old home to see what was available (because my wife didn't want to move back to a small apartment, and I wasn't willing to spend thousands of dollars in rent when our costs of living are that much less here in Israel).<br />
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Out of nowhere, a beautiful house came on the market and appeared on our iPhone app. It was smaller than our old home, but the yard was... gigantic! We could play multiple games of football on this yard side-by-side, and then have enough room to install a pool, a trampoline, or a full-sized greenhouse. NOT THAT WE WOULD DO ANY OF THESE -- THE LAWN WILL LIKELY STAY EMPTY because we're not that much into amenities and glamour, however, because our lives are very family-centric, the backyard lawn was a very nice addition. The inside was also quaint -- it is larger than our place here, and there is ample storage space and bedrooms to grow our already large family. Okay, so as-is, there is really no place for me to have a long-term office in the home because my wife wants to put a limit of two-kids-per-room (although I think there should be a "boys" room and a "girls" room with a max of three kids in each room, that way I can take one of the bedrooms as a home office for the law firm), but whatever -- I'll be working outside of the home anyway. <br />
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On the topic of "working from home," this is something that EVERY MAN should know:<br />
<br />
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN SANITY, FOR G-D'S SAKES MAN, GO AND GET YOURSELF AN OFFICE SPACE TO WORK OUTSIDE OF THE HOME. <br />
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THE INDEPENDENCE ALONE THAT YOU WILL EXPERIENCE IS WORTH THE EXTRA EXPENSE. AND, YOUR WIFE WILL BE HAPPIER KNOWING THAT SHE IS NOT BREAKING HER BACK TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS WHILE YOU ARE "PLAYING" UPSTAIRS (YOU KNOW YOU ARE REALLY WORKING, BUT EVEN IF YOU ARE RUNNING THE MOST SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS, THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT DOWNSTAIRS WITH HER HELPING OUT WHILE SHE IS TOILING MEANS THAT YOU ARE A LOSER AND THAT YOU ARE NOT HELPING OUT.) SO REALLY, GO GET YOURSELF AN OFFICE.<br />
<br />
Anyway, because we were not there to purchase this awesome house ourselves, my wife's family offered to loan us the money to purchase the home (as they did last time, especially since they knew we'd pay them back immediately when we arrived in the US, and since we paid them back the last time they did this for us). We [really, they] bought the house, and so now we have a house in the U.S., ...again.<br />
<br />
Now this obviously complicated the issue because <b><u>as soon as we got the house, my wife and I went back to the "should we, shouldn't we" conversation of whether we can push ourselves to make the Israel Aliyah work, and whether we should give it another push to stay here for another year</u></b> (with the hopes that at the end of the second year, we wouldn't want to leave). But, now we have a house that we have obligated ourselves to buy, and any delay in coming back will only upset my in-laws, especially since they just laid out hundreds of thousands of dollars for us to facilitate our return. So yeah, that happened.<br />
<br />
We took the instant availability of the home as a "sign" from Hashem that we were "meant" to move back home, but we still weren't convinced. Every day, we would have literally countless conversations of "Aleph [meaning, stay in Israel]" versus "Bet [meaning, going home]." By the hour, this changed every day, every hour.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until we went to the Kotel a week or so ago <i>[after a very terrible thing happened to us that my wife wouldn't let me talk about and she'd feel violated if I shared what happened with the world, but yeah, that happened, and it was clearly the "finger of Hashem" that caused this horrible thing to happen to us, and it coincidentally happened as soon as we decided that we are going to STAY in Israel ("Aleph") (as if "it" was a result of our decision to stay, or as if the conditions for "it" to happen were set into motion months before we even knew that we would be having the conversations of "Aleph vs. Bet," and then "it" happened to push us to go home in a "fate" kind of way)],</i> that I asked Hashem to help us stop this "Aleph, Bet, Aleph, Bet" confusion because the uncertainty was driving me nuts. I really wanted to have clarity of thought, and not vacillate based on the swing of a pendulum. One minute, we were going to push for another year, the next minute, we couldn't wait to go home.<br />
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Well, for now, we have our clarity. I am not sure what has come over us, but since our visit to the Kotel, both my wife and I have come to the conclusion that "yeah, Israel is amazing, it is beautiful, and yes, there are ALL THESE BENEFITS that we were looking for... good schools, good community, amazing culture, safety from race and political turmoil, safety from ISIS, safety from race wars... but with all this said, we still wanted to go home."<br />
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We have satisfied ourselves that the "I can't work American hours from Israel and make that work longterm" argument is enough to justify going back, <b><u>but since then, I have found an office and I have started working during the day.</u> </b> To be honest, I'm getting nothing done here because this office of many businesses working together under one roof is a bit distracting, but at least I am going to minyanim in the morning, and I am working regular business hours. My business no doubt WILL suffer as a result of no longer working American hours, as the law office will only be open from 8am-11am each day (especially with the new daylight savings time hours), but I'll be back soon enough to fix whatever I break and resume normal business hours. In reality, I'll be working from 3am-11am Central Time (working on cases and handling research and other client matters in the morning [regular Israel business hours], but client communications will only appear to take place three hours each day.<br />
<br />
<b><u>So this may end up having the potential to be a longterm solution that would have allowed us to stay indefinitely in Israel, but...</u></b> because we have already taken so many steps to return to the US (I just made the deposit to register our kids at their private school for when we return) <i>[not to mention that we bought a house, I spent close to $6,000 USD on plane tickets [nonrefundable] to return to the US, and I paid close to $40,000 USD to my in-laws to help them fund the purchase, to do repairs on the new home, etc.]</i>, we are set to go and so there is little to look back on now.<br />
<br />
Personally, I think it is sad that I didn't find this "shared office space" arrangement earlier. Things could have been different had I figured the work hours out earlier (e.g., working ISRAEL hours, not US hours), <b><u>but now I am not about to destabilize all our family plans for a solution that may or may not have ended up being the solution I was looking for.</u></b> Actually, between you and me, it's a bit tragic, because I think this may have been a good solution. But I cannot waiver anymore, and I must hold onto the reins of what decisions we have made, and I must move forward and see where life takes us. As things stand, we are going home to the US, and this was the final decision.<br />
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I am a bit sad that I did not make Israel work. My wife talks about "returning to Israel in five years" once our oldest child is old enough to go to yeshiva (and then, to enter the military -- something my wife and I consider a huge honor as part of our belief in supporting the Jewish people and contributing to the building of the State of Israel), but when she mentioned coming back in five years, I did not see how life five years from now would be different from the difficulties we experienced when we were here the first time. I would still have the "US hours vs. Israel hours" issue, and I don't know whether trying again to run the law firm from Israel is a good idea. I'll adapt the law firm to be able to do this as much as possible, but really, the character of the firm and what I practice in it is shaped by the kind of clientele' we get. If I keep doing what I am doing, in five years from now, there will be no viable way of switching back to Israel hours.<br />
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I suppose more generally, I am kind of going with the flow. I think deciding to stay would be "rocking the boat" [of fate], and I kind of am at a point in life that I don't want turbulence anymore. I really want a peaceful and quiet life, and whether or not I would have achieved this had we stayed, we have already set in motion a move back to the US, so let's stick to our plan and see where this goes.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/animal-horse-standardbred-brown-107800/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-77939008077336405772016-03-16T07:32:00.000-04:002016-03-17T07:33:23.831-04:00Running on only three cylinders.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<u>STATUS UPDATE</u>: WE ARE STAYING IN ISRAEL UNTIL THE END OF THE KIDS' SCHOOL YEAR. IN JULY, WE WILL BE HEADING BACK TO THE U.S.<br />
<br />
Hello Diary!<br />
<br />
My wife and I have been going back-and-forth as to whether we are "missing something" in deciding to leave Israel. Obviously there is SO MUCH to miss, but I am merely mentioning as to our life here versus our life back home before we made Aliyah. I know this is offensive for me to say, especially since there are so many people who would give anything to make Aliyah and cannot for whatever reason -- family responsibilities, work, financial constraints -- and I fully understand your anger at our "flippant" attitude towards staying here versus going back. It seems almost silly to have spent so much effort, time, and money to transition our lives here only to move back, but it is what it is.<br />
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I don't want to rehash everything -- there are so many reasons to stay -- GOOD REASONS to stay! But somewhere in my heart, I want to go home. I miss so many things about home, and I don't know why, but I always feel as if I am running on three cylinders here in Israel.<br />
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I could say more, but the jist of the article is this: "I FEEL AS IF MY LIFE IS RUNNING ON THREE CYLINDERS HERE." Shopping? Not so easy. Currency and banking transactions? Difficult (I am always having problems with my bank accounts at home in the US locking me out, I feel as if it is because I am in Israel [more likely, my wife is convinced that I am on some terrorist "list" somehow because I yelled at some bank clerk or something while calling from Israel], so everything I do gets red-flagged, delayed, and sometimes cancelled, even though I provide my credentials and prove I am who I claim to be]). <br />
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Then there is the language barrier. Very difficult. Bank statements? Credit Card statements? Unintelligible. Half the time I don't even know what the charges are for. Taxes? Rental Taxes? No clue. Running my law firm? VERY difficult. I'll get back to this.<br />
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The crux of the issue is that I feel as if it is very difficult to live with one foot here in Israel, and the other foot straddled across the globe in the US. <br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/spark-plug-sparking-plub-32083/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0Nahal Beitar31.722463 35.12868449999996331.69545 35.088343999999964 31.749476 35.169024999999962tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-2956727121918010752016-02-14T18:17:00.003-05:002016-02-14T18:21:56.691-05:00So happy to go, so sad I couldn't make it work.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>I know, I know. I'm a jerk for being such a critical person, and I feel terrible about it. I've had a stressful few days, and the prospect of not being able to support my family (by even looking at a home that was way above our means) really hurt my feelings. In hindsight, I didn't realize that "a girl can dream," and I was smashing her dream with the heel of my boot, and I should have just stayed quiet and not bust a gasket when I heard my wife speaking about wanting beautiful things. I just take her so seriously, especially since I try to give her everything she wants, and I was feeling like a failure that I wasn't able to give her the dream home that she wanted. I was also feeling very threatened, since we cannot stay here in Beitar (or anywhere in Israel, as the work hours are not long-term doable for me), and I was feeling that I couldn't afford Denver's more expensive homes either. So I felt painted into a corner.</i><br />
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Anyway, I have been thinking long and hard, and I cannot have more good things to say about Israel, the land, the beauty, the holiness, and even how wonderful it is for our kids to have friends and for me to have a community in which I am thriving both as a person and as a Jew. Beitar has been a wonderful solution for us, and I'm actually saddened that I'll be saying goodbye to some really good friends I've made over the past few months.<br />
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Now you may shoot back at me telling me to "make it work." I've tried, really I have. I've shifted my hours later so that I work from 7pm-7am (and then I go to minyan in the morning). I've shifted my hours so that I work 3pm-3am, still no dice. I've also tried 12pm-12am, but then I cannot do my work since my law firm operates in the late afternoons/evenings simply because of the nature of my clientele. I've pumped myself full of coffee, I've taken naps during the day, but no matter how I cut it, I can't make the hours work for me. Maybe someone with a better constitution would be able to handle this, but for me, it is too much to handle... especially considering that I cannot "relax" and defuzz in the mornings, and I cannot nap in the afternoons, and while I would never do so openly, I blame my wife for it not working out. No way in hell have I been able to take a nap while she is stuck with the six screaming kids -- I felt like a loser and that I was slacking on my responsibility every time I tried to close my eyes to prepare for my evenings, while I would hear my wife get frustrated with the kids all hanging on her competing for her attention. I felt terrible for her having to deal with everything, and on top of that, I was asleep during the mornings as well. Aside for a few precious hours in the late morning / early afternoons, I really had no time to run any errands, or to do anything except to work. Life was work and work was life -- there was really no room for anything else.<br />
<br />
I tried to help with the dishes, with the laundry, with the chores, with watching the kids whenever I could in order to lessen the burden on my wife, but really, all it did was drain me and I was unable to work that evening. I lost so many evenings that way rescheduling appointments with potential clients to the point that I lost many of them because I could not muster the energy, the discipline, or the organization to balance both an Israeli day, and then an American work day after that. My work and the time zone shifting each day (and the lack of sleep or energy that went with it) was consuming my life.<br />
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With full respect and love to Israel, I am happy that I am leaving in a few months. I feel as if I have been in a one-room prison all year without the ability to roam free or to move about freely, and it has been a miserable experience. I hope my wife, my kids, my friends, and Hashem forgive me and don't judge me because I couldn't make it work. G-d knows I tried to make it work. I still can't shake the feeling in the back of my stomach that I am a failure for making this work, and "if only I did X," or "if only I tried harder, or did XYZ differently," we could have made it work. Really, it was not working, but I don't understand why I have to convince myself of this fact. I'm so happy to go home, but so sad I couldn't make it work!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/landscape-aircraft-clouds-storm-644323/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-20824372720122762182016-02-10T05:11:00.001-05:002016-02-14T18:30:21.256-05:00We decide to move back to the U.S., and old money problems resurface.My wife and I just had a conversation this morning about the stresses of having upside-down work hours here in Israel, and after last night's fiasco (dealing with Israeli taxes with accountants -- supposedly good ones -- who didn't know what they were talking about), I woke up this morning in a panic that we cannot stay here.<br />
This does not have to do with anything negative about Israel -- NO, it has to do with the DIFFICULTIES of living a double life, with half of my life complying with burdensome US tax and banking rules, getting around geographical restrictions, because for some reason, being an "expat" US Citizen living abroad makes them think that you are a criminal! I simply don't understand why I need to hide from my bank the fact that I am outside of the US? I don't understand why being a successful attorney who moved his family out of the US to give his kids a good Israel experience in the midst of threatened economic and social collapse -- why is this criminal behavior?<br />
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Anyway, there is more to that story, and it appears that before I left, I upset the wrong person because as soon as I arrived to Israel last year, all of my funds in one of my US bank accounts (where we held most of our money) was frozen because they suspected "terrorist" activities. Really? From a <i>frum </i>Chabad Jewish lawyer with a beard, six kids and a <i>kippah</i>? Anyway, the problem slowly got worse, and the so-called "flag" spread to my other accounts -- so much so that every time I call in to check a balance, or to pay bills or do banking transactions, I get forwarded to the "VIP" department, because I am a "special" customer (my wife has started joking that "VIP" really means "terrorist," and I'm really starting to wonder.) Anyway, now I need to do a wire transfer to some Israeli Manpower Organization in order to comply with taxes here in Israel, and I'm concerned that this was the same kind of wire transfer that got my main account shut down when we first moved here. But worse, if it happened, it would be to my law firm's bank account, which is the source of all of our funding, our food, our rent, everything. This is the holy grail of bank accounts, and the Israeli accountants need for me to do a wire transfer FROM THERE to their organization to create a paper trail, or whatever their reason. I'm nervous as hell that this will freeze this account too, and I'm not comfortable doing it, but I will in order to comply.<br />
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Then there is the prospect of severe increased costs when I return to the US. There, I made a lot of money. Here, I am not making a lot of money (likely because of my severely diminished number of work hours). I calculated with my wife that if we moved back, I would need to make at least another $50,000 just to keep the same level of expenses that we have now because of yeshiva tuition, a mortgage, healthcare, etc. I was willing to do this, even though it would mean that I would have to work harder just to make ends meet.<br />
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But then, as soon as we decided to move back... my wife got the "money bug" back. We sold our Denver home for roughly $250K (at a net loss), which was good for us because we purchased it for $185K and put roughly $75K into it <i>[these were improvements that we did for OURSELVES to live in this home forever, such as knocking down walls, gutting and redoing the entire kitchen, getting the best kind of granite countertops (well, the kind that my wife liked), purchasing an expensive refrigerator, the best rated appliances, etc., but it all seemed to feel like "fate" when we were presented with buyers who wanted to purchase the home from us just as we were speaking to real estate brokers to rent out the home once we made Aliyah.]</i> <br />
<br />
In hindsight, because we were moving to Israel and we were committed to not leaving anything behind, it was nice to sell the home and not to need to worry about dealing with two homes -- one in the US, and the one we would be renting in Israel. But then, we had to sell (really, give away) all of our possessions so that our basic necessities would fit in a "crate" to ship across the sea. We had to sell our new car at an offensive low price, I had to sell my car for a measly $300 just to get rid of it, and when we came to Israel, we had to buy a car for 75,000 NIS because that was the cheapest car we could fit that came close to holding our six kids. Then my wife crashed the car and wrecked the front of it which cost us another 10,000 NIS to repair, and then another few hundred dollars each month in insurance costs (oh well), then I lost about eight month's of salary to a home theft (yes, that happened), but that was part of what it cost to move to and dwell in the State of Israel.<br />
<br />
Now when we move, we will again need to give away a few thousand dollars worth of items we purchased here so that everything will fit back in the "crate." We will need to practically give away our new 70,000 NIS car (which will be worth almost nothing because my wife wrecked its value by being in an accident), we will pay another $15K just to move our belongings and fly ourselves back, and only then I will need to work extra hard to be able to pay for the increased expenses of healthcare, yeshiva tuition, etc.<br />
<br />
On top of that, I was sharing with my wife just yesterday that the larger homes have electricity bills of $600 per month for many months out of the year, while the smaller homes (still large by anyone's measure, but "small" for what we were used to in Denver) have lower electricity costs of sometimes $200-$300 per month. This pocket of change makes a big difference because with the larger homes, we are either heating or cooling the entire house because the indoor space is that much larger to temperature regulate.<br />
<br />
This morning when I told her that I wanted to move back, and we spoke at length and decided to move back in June when the kids are done with their school year, (not January as we were considering beforehand so that we can give Beitar (Israel) a chance,) she got the "money bug" back that she had when we lived in the US. "I want a big, giant dream house... with a Jaccuzzi and a pool... and a big magnificent kitchen with high ceilings, real wooden floors -- not the "fake" wooden floors we installed in our old home (I spent over $5,000 to install those wooden floors [which was a splurge], and yes, I think they were laminates or something but we researched the quality and decided that those were the best quality for the money we were paying)... Immediately, <u><i>I almost had a heart attack because I remembered in the US our old fight that she did not respect how hard it was for me to work to make the money I made, and now she is already spending money in her head that we don't have.</i></u><br />
<br />
I don't get this. What is going on?!? How the hell can she switch back to the "I want a big giant house with riches and diamond and beauty and, and, and, and..." when we just spent a year in Israel [I thought] teaching the value of austerity. We lived a six-figure lifestyle here which was a meager lifestyle here, but it was certainly luxurious compared to the meager $35,000 salary most people in Israel live on. Hell, some of my friends here can't even afford the weekly bus pass to pay for transportation to work (let alone good food on their table, clothes to wear, or any sort of comfort), and here she is suddenly going back to dreamy "I want everything" mentality that threw us into marriage counseling the first time we were in Denver.<br />
<br />
I have nothing wrong with buying a more expensive house than we had the last time we were in Denver. After seeing the millions of shekels a small measly home goes for here in Israel, even the most expensive home in Denver is cheap, comparatively. But there is a difference between looking for an above-average lifestyle and going for a lifestyle that would only draw the attention and envy of the community. Why can't we be like everyone else, and live a regular lifestyle within our means life everyone else? Why this sudden desire to get the biggest and the best? Did she not learn anything during our time here in Israel?!?<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 12.6px; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/fall-hurricane-money-finance-163496/" rel="nofollow" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 12.6px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;" target="">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 12.6px; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-3202831358067190722016-02-09T18:55:00.001-05:002016-02-09T19:01:57.393-05:00Balancing Israel versus the USA as far as deciding whether to move back.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
This isn't going to be much of a coherent post because it is 1:30am Israel time, and this is the second day in a row that I am unable to work. I am so deeply distraught about whether to stay in Israel or to throw everything back on a crate and ship it back to the US. I cannot think straight, I cannot function, I cannot focus. I think I'm also hitting a bit of a depression as well.<br />
<br />
The issues to balance have been hashed out. We are balancing my own health and mental sanity of being isolated from my family and from society because of my work hours with the benefits being here I provide for my family as far as providing them a good community, friends, good school, and a great and meaningful life experience. But what kind of experience can a childhood be when the tatty is always somewhere else, whether that be emotionally exhausted, physically stressed, or mentally checked out?<br />
<br />
Then I think of the physical security of the family which would be put at risk if we returned, based on the news I am hearing from the various sources I read. Corruption is rampant, the economy is about to collapse, taxes and healthcare costs are going up, social stability is fragile at best, and people are being lied to by those in power elected to protect them. And, the candidates either want to morph the United States into socialism (Sanders), provide more of the same (Hillary), or create a post-constitutional police state (Trump). Then there is the Black Lives Matter crowd (fraud), ISIS (murderers), the Muslim refugees (fakers), N. Korea testing nuclear missiles and launching potentially dangerous satellites (imperialists), and a banking system that is about to collapse (greed). Why would I want to move back to a place like this unless I am ignorantly ignoring the issues hoping naively that they will not cause my family any issues?<br />
<br />
For days, the decision to go back seemed like the good answer. End of June, we're leaving. But then, something changed within us, and so we said, "January, maybe never [if we can figure out how to live here happily]." But without a driver's license, what was an isolating situation has redoubled itself as a very isolating situation, especially since I won't risk renting office space only to get arrested on the drive over to or from work each day. And it needs not be said, but the bureaucracy to do anything is like ten steps to do whatever you want to do, and it involves going here to this office, getting a stamp at that office, sitting down with this person who shows up to work only on every second Tuesday after a full moon between 9:00am and 9:07am. Then when you get there, he was out sick that day and you just blew five hours of your life running around for nothing, only to do it all over again.<br />
<br />
So in sum, good community, good group of people here, good for kids, good for friends. Bad for me, bad for my connection with my family, bad for my health, and I just don't know whether I want the easy American life back, or the difficult life here. I am losing focus of what is important, and I do not know how to weigh my options. And I can't snap out of if and get back to working my butt off as I have been doing for over a year now being awake EVERY OVERNIGHT here.Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-45286179664275522992016-02-08T13:02:00.002-05:002016-02-08T13:25:32.373-05:00ONE YEAR AND ONE DAY LATER... TO BE ARRESTED FOR NOT HAVING AN ISRAELI DRIVER LICENSE...??<div class="tr_bq">
So... I asked Hashem for some guidance in deciding whether we should leave Israel back to the U.S. or whether we should stay in Israel, and now this happened. I can't believe I was almost arrested from just having a bad day?!? I was pulled over because I was talking on the cell phone (illegal) with no headlights on (illegal) and no seat belt on (illegal), with no <i>Teudat Zehut</i> (Israel National ID) (illegal?), and no car registration paperwork (illegal). Plus, I accidentally lied to the cop saying that I had been in Israel for a few months (this was an accident, I only meant I had been here in Beitar for a few months), only for him to find out that I've been here more than a year and that I don't have an Israeli Driver's License. This was after the bank stole a whole wad of cash which was the reason I was on the cell phone really upset in the first place. After all this, the officer called two other cops over the radio which came via motorcycle, and surrounded my car from both sides. Then all of a sudden, something changed, everyone backed off, and he gave me a small ticket with a warning. <br />
<br />
My wife (a Hebrew speaker) afterwards in shock said, <i>"I don't know what changed, but I heard him talking, and he said he was going to arrest you. You were going to be arrested."</i><br />
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Here is a letter to the Rebbe that I wrote on the topic (now writing him two days in a row):<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>23 Shvat, 5776</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Ana L'orer Rachamim Rabim ba'avor ...</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Dear Rebbe,</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I do not understand how to interpret the events of today. This morning, I woke up, and because my wife was feeling ill, I went downstairs, cleaned up the living room and the kitchen, and then when it came time to pick up our youngest daughter from gan, I decided to drive into town to withdraw some funds from our U.S. bank in Shekels, and deposit them into our Israeli bank account.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>When I was on line at the bank to use the ATM, there was a poor person going to people at the bank ATM as they were taking out money. I find this highly inappropriate as there are shuls and tzedakka institutions set up to give money to people like him (and we often donate to these organizations). </i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>When it came time to use the ATM, I refused to do so, and I told the man who was standing next to the poor person in Hebrew, "I am not taking out money from the ATM while he is standing there waiting to ask for money." I guess I shamed him and I did not realize it, and I am sorry for that. I have already encountered this guy many times and I thought he belonged in a home of some sort, not roaming the streets.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Minutes later, when I walked to the next block to deposit the funds in our bank's ATM, the same poor person came over and asked people on line for cash. I told him "slichah, lo," and he walked on. Again, I was annoyed that he was asking people on line at the bank.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>When it came time to deposit the cash into the bank account, I had an intuition to deposit my stack of 50 NIS bills from my wallet rather than the 200 NIS bills that I just withdrew from the bank. The ATM machine failed, it took [stole] my money, and I was really upset, especially because I do not speak the Hebrew to fight with the bank tellers (plus the bank was closed even though it was in the middle of the day), and I certainly do not have the time to stand on line only for them to tell me, "sorry, you lost your money," and if I did, who would I call to fight it?!? I don't even know how much money I put into the ATM -- it was a stack of 50 NIS bills!</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Driving back home, I called my wife to tell her what happened. In haste, I forgot to put my seat belt on (and, I did not have my lights on, something I realized later on which is now illegal here). An Israeli police officer standing in the middle of the road flagged me down, pulled over my car, and started asking me questions.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>It has been literally A YEAR AND ONE DAY, and we did not have an Israeli license as was required by law. My wife was on speaker phone, and she heard that he was going to arrest me for driving without a licence, for talking on the cell phone, AND for not having seat belts on.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I started saying tehillim, and when saying tehillim, I remembered the poor person I probably embarrassed earlier that hour (right before the bad things started to happen). I felt bad about it because he was not poor because he was lazy, but because he had mental issues. I've also seen him before and have reacted the same way when this guy would walk into a restaurant to ask people for tzedakka. I repented (in whatever small way I could), and my wife told me that immediately after the police officer was about to arrest me, he had a change of heart and decided to give me a ticket. He didn't give me a ticket for driving without a license. He didn't give me a ticket for talking on the cell phone while driving (a 1000 NIS fine in Israel). He gave me a ticket for not having seat belts on, a 100 NIS fine.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I am very shaken up by this event because I don't even know where or how to obtain a drivers license here in Israel. My wife and I tried before, but we got confused with the bureaucracy, and never followed-up on it (and a year passed unbeknownst to us, and drivers licenses were the last thing on our minds with all the chaos of living abroad in Israel). I wouldn't even know how to use the bus system to get to a DMV or do all the steps that are required beforehand without a car.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>But here is the bigger question, and this is the point of the pidyon nefesh. Was this whole event Hashem violently protecting his poor and the downtrodden?!? I learned that every action in Israel is directed by Hashem himself, and so was I the violator here? And, if so, DO I EVEN WANT TO LIVE HERE KNOWING HASHEM IS WATCHING EVERY MOVE I DO SO CLOSELY?!?<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>I am a good person, but obviously I have my fair share of sins which I atone for. Do I really want to live in a place where I can be recognized by Hashem and punished so readily for something [I thought was] as minute as getting annoyed at a poor mentally ill person for soliciting tzedakka at a bank ATM or in a restaurant?!? AND if he is hitting me so hard so fast for something as small as this (remember, yesterday I just gave our shul 3,000 NIS as a donation, and we give thousands of dollars in tzedakka and maaser every year!), SHOULD I BE AFRAID OF BEING PUNISHED FOR ALL OF THE OTHER SINS THAT I DO?? AND DO I EVEN WANT TO LIVE IN A LAND WHICH SENDS OUT PUNISHMENTS SO STRONGLY, SO QUICKLY, AND SO HARSHLY?? WAS THIS THE REASON OUR HOME WAS BROKEN INTO IN RECHOVOT AND OVER 100,000 NIS WAS STOLEN FROM US?? We already give so much tzedakka!!</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Further, on my mind is leaving Israel. I spent most of the afternoon in awe of the beautiful land, and feeling so lucky that we could live in Israel (and survive financially). I was saddened that we spent most of our year "residing in Israel being busy with our very stressful daily lives" without visiting the historical sites, or the various biblical cities (safety permitting) where various events in Torah happened. It would be such a shame if we missed all of that because we were too busy with school, kids, the tourist sites, and visiting various cities for non-religious amenities.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I was also a bit saddened that we might be missing out on a meaningful life, as I do love our shul, our community, and the fact that our children are doing well here in Israel. And, I do not want to be like Yona who "runs" away from Hashem [to America] thinking that Hashem won't see him there because as you clearly said, "Hashem goes down to galus with you."</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>It is a few hours later and I just returned from mincha / maariv (shul). My heart hurts because I don't think I want to be here anymore. I don't want to work the night shift, and I don't want to have the responsibility of having Hashem watch so closely over me. I am not a chossid, and I am by far not a perfect person. I really don't want Hashem attacking me every time I do something bad (or when I neglect to do the million things I *could* be doing.) I just want some tranquility, some peace, to raise my children in comfort, and to not be killed by some plague or disease, some government entity, or by fanatical crazies. Can't I just live a "good" life, do my part in helping the world, and be left alone?!?</i></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/jail-prisoner-captive-police-crime-429639/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-5339641379720781542016-02-03T09:50:00.000-05:002016-02-11T15:29:14.437-05:00My Letter to the Rebbe asking for a bracha (or, permission) to leave Israel.<div class="tr_bq">
Below is a letter (a "pidyon nefesh") that I wrote to the Lubavicher Rebbe. I sent it to the Ohel via their website, printed out a copy for myself, and I put it in one of the Rebbe's books.</div>
<br />
<blockquote>
<i>22 Shvat, 5776</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Ana L'orer Rachamim Rabim ba'avor...</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Dear Rebbe,</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>As a follow-up to my letter nine months ago, our family has been living in Israel, and as of a few days ago, we have officially spent one year living in Israel.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>As you know, last year, we made Aliyah and we moved to Rechovot. I learned Chassidus once a week, but because we were unable to fit in with the community (me, my wife, our children) were isolated from the community, and because of a few potential disasters that happened, after spending Sukkos in Beitar Illit, we decided to move to Beitar, and we have been living here happily for the last three months.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>While in Rechovot, we experienced a theft of a lot of money -- over 100K sheckels was stolen, along with whatever else the thieves took when they ransacked the house. I suspect that the thieves were individuals who looked at our home to rent it after we decided to move to Beitar. The reason for this is because I almost never left the house, at it appears as if they were stalking us to see when both of us (my wife and I) would leave the house. They went through our locked door as if it was butter, and the police did almost nothing to help find them. This saddened us because the income we lost was many months of work (pushing myself every night to work overnight), and we wondered what we did to have Hashem cause this to happen.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Shortly before the theft, we "lost" our oldest daughter for a few hours because the bus driver who we hired didn't know she did not get on the bus. My wife drove over to her school, and called me crying that she couldn't find her. We couldn't find her, and there was no person to call or to hold accountable to know her whereabouts. In the end, a friend's parent picked her up and took her home, but this did not negate the terror we experienced not knowing where she was, or who to call for help. Then when I confronted the bus driver, he apologized, but I wanted to punch him in the face because he didn't seem to care that he lost our daughter.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Then there was the Rechovot community. We tried to fit in, but there was really nobody that we could befriend. Much of the community was Hebrew speaking, and even so, the families kept to themselves and did not interact with the other community members, and thus every Shabbos and every day, the kids were stuck after school from 2pm until bedtime without friends to play with or people to interact with, so it was us they turned to, all the time, every day. We tried to play with them, to learn with them, to take them out to the park, but it was never enough to give either us or the kids any comfort or tranquility. And after a long day, only then did I need to spend the overnight working at the law firm, every night.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>We moved to Beitar after the theft and after a very difficult few months over the high holidays, where we realized that with all of the time and efforts we put into developing.. [OMITTED PERSONAL STUFF].</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>So we moved to Beitar, and while there is still no place to call my own (still no makom kavuah), at least I am making friends and my kids have friends at school. We are still not integrating with the community as we would like to, but this is more our fault than anything, as my wife and I are often overwhelmed with just raising our now six children.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>The difficulty is that even here, I am still working crazy overnight hours to work the law firm, and it is taking a toll on us emotionally and no doubt it is affecting my mental health and my physical health. I never leave the house except to go to shul or to run an errand, and I am feeling lonely, isolated, as if I am (yet again) a prisoner in my own home. I have been trying to shift my work hours from what has been 4pm-4am (or 4pm-6am) Israel time [6am-6pm Denver, Colorado time] to starting to work at 12pm, but that has almost never been happening. The reason I have been trying to do this is so that I can live a normal life and wake up with everyone else and go to sleep with everyone else. It is a work in progress.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>My wife has gotten ill these past few days (we had a stomach virus move between each one of us), and she has been feeling quite homesick and missing our life in Denver. She feels as if we have made a mistake by moving to Israel, and that the whole experience has been one disaster after another. She expressed her desire to move back to Denver, and that has released in me an overflowing desire to also leave -- to throw everything into a crate, and to move back to Denver.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj0EZmPcXZS_7kQxVC6FZmhjGg9bIQRysOKq-5zZpjjXXZHK1VVn9I9X55Zgz8JZyZveqG05TMrJG8rAKj5_4TPI439vkahxY_2WlL4I2JbpOrt1oQhXfM1u0sJotnCwkJYLqy1A/s1600/luggage-1081872_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj0EZmPcXZS_7kQxVC6FZmhjGg9bIQRysOKq-5zZpjjXXZHK1VVn9I9X55Zgz8JZyZveqG05TMrJG8rAKj5_4TPI439vkahxY_2WlL4I2JbpOrt1oQhXfM1u0sJotnCwkJYLqy1A/s400/luggage-1081872_640.jpg" width="400" /></a> </div>
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<blockquote>
<i>We have had deep and detailed discussions comparing our life in Israel to the life we had in Colorado, and we feel that we made a mistake for coming here. We would like to go back as soon as possible, and we ask for a beracha for guidance on how to make the correct move both spiritually, physically, as well as how to choose the best time to move.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Since my wife brought up the topic, I have felt a deep overflowing of remorse and sadness that I have been holding back from the difficulties I have experienced over the past year. I finally see an end to the sadness, and an end to the constant and daily struggles I have experienced since moving to Israel. My wife hedges and wants to visit Denver over Pesach to test whether we actually want to go back (or, whether we would be happier staying here), but my heart actually aches from thinking about staying here.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>It really hurts me to be in a room all day and all night with almost no motivation or desire to socialize with the community because I cannot get myself together to shower, to get out of the house, and to socialize with the community. Rather, I wake up, have a coffee with my wife, sit in my office (upstairs bedroom of our duplex apartment) with no sunlight, and play with the computer, the news, and the kids by day, and work by night, stressing my body to the point of illness. I miss seeing people, I miss being able to handle problems that come up (now I am an illiterate immigrant who doesn't speak Hebrew well, and this causes such embarassment for me since most of the community now speaks Hebrew [the Anglos are not Chabad and they live somewhere else]), and thus I rely on my wife to handle all of the school issues, all of the electricity, gas, government, taxes, and everything that has to do with speaking Hebrew. Rather, I sit at home and bring money in to the family while my wife takes care of everything I am incompetent to take care of. Then on Shabbos, seeing sunlight for the first time all week, I walk to shul disoriented, jetlagged, and a bit "hung over", and then I need to face the community who wonders where I have been all week. And I have such a difficult time being friendly because I feel disoriented.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Since my wife started talking to me about leaving back to Denver, I have had a difficult time thinking of anything else, and I cannot wait to leave. I ask for a beracha that moving back is the healthy option, and that we are able to move as fast as possible to return to Colorado, and to resume the semi-tranquil life that we were living before we left. I ask that our parnossa be restored to the levels of income we were making in Colorado, and that we "do something" to reconnect with our Jewish roots so that our descent should only be for an ascent. I ask for a beracha for a smooth and comfortable transition, and I ask for a bracha for the safety of myself and my family both in physical safety, health, tranquility, in their learning, and in living a healthy and meaningful lifestyle. I also ask for a beracha that my children learn well in their school, that they work well with their teachers, and that each of our children develop strong friendships with their classmates, and that us as parents also develop close friendships and integrate with the Denver community, and that we all remain a cohesive family. Amen.</i></blockquote>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/luggage-packed-travel-trip-1081872/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-6693595582226471132016-02-01T12:57:00.000-05:002016-02-08T12:35:49.363-05:00I've had it with this upside-down work schedule. I simply cannot work the overnight shift or eventually it will kill me.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So I don't know how to phrase this, but we and the kids just got over a stomach flu which circulated from one kid to the next, then to me, then to another kid, and now to my wife. This happened on our one-year anniversary from making Aliyah celebration, where we went to a hotel which cost us roughly $350USD even though it was off season. Can you believe hotels are so expensive here?!?<br />
<br />
Anyway, in my wife's illness from the stomach flu, she started sharing with me how home sick she was. She talked about how easy it was in Denver (even when we were living in California), how easy life was. We had one school where all the kids went to, the school was great, the kids had friends, and ...we had AMAZON PRIME! Oh Amazon Prime how I miss you from Betar Israel!<br />
<br />
While she was merely sharing her feelings of being homesick these past few months, as soon as she did, I myself felt an outpouring of homesickness of the way life used to be in the US. I woke up in the morning, had breakfast and a coffee, prepared the kids' lunches, saw them off to school, then I went to work in my giant office space where I would work like a normal human being during normal business hours. I would sometimes call my wife and we would go out to lunch together, or I would stop at home and pick something up, and then go back to work.<br />
<br />
At 7pm, I would come home, I would put the kids to bed, say shema, sit down and exchange a few words with my wife over tea, and then we would either watch a show together, or I would play video games into the night. Whatever the recreation, it was also a way to "de-fuzz" from the tough day at work. This allowed me to go to sleep at midnight (or sometimes at 1am), and I would wake up refreshed and ready to start my day all over again.<br />
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Here in Israel, my schedule is ass backwards. I wake up at 11am after having been awake until 4am, and I wake up feeling like a zombie. I stumble out from my office couch (because I rarely sleep in my own bed because the noise in the morning wakes me up), and I greet my wife who is already five hours into her day. She has already woken up with the kids, gotten them fed, dressed, made lunch, sent them off to school, and then by the time I am waking up, she is either cleaning up the house or relaxing on Facebook. I fight the inclination to feel like a lazy loser for waking up so late, so I drag myself as if hung over to the kitchen to make myself some coffee.<br />
<br />
I come downstairs and I try to have a conversation with my wife (which is where the daily mini-fight comes from, because she is simply not interested in talking and I am intruding on what she calls her "private time"). This is the conversation which often ends up with a "no, you're wrong, it is not like that, it is like this," leading to some huffy puffy hurt feelings, followed by a quiet walk of shame back up to my office to waste away the next few hours.<br />
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In Israel, I don't start work until 4pm which is 6am CST when most of my US clients for the law firm wake up. During these next few hours, while I try to make good use of my time, more often than not, I end up reading about the terrible politicians in the US and what big "O" has done this time, I watch a televised presidential debate on YouTube, or if I am productive, I will listen to a few classes online. Either way, I burn myself out because there is nothing to do except fry my brain (an activity that should be happening AFTER my work day, not before it). Then the kids come home, I play with them some until I get overwhelmed, and then 4pm comes along and I need to get to my meetings. I take a few calls, sit in on a few meetings, and I work my client's cases. Around 6pm, I get called down for dinner (or sometimes to cook dinner), and I am downstairs until 7pm when it is bedtime. <br />
<br />
Then at 7pm after saying shema with the kids and fighting with them to get to bed, I get back to work. Well, sometimes it is that I only then get to work. <u><i>The problem is that by this time, I am WIPED OUT and I really don't want to start my work day, because I am already exhausted from the day I just finished</i></u>, especially if my wife had me running errands during the day (while I myself agree to do so because otherwise I will be <i>clawing at the walls </i>from cabin fever), or if we went out for a late breakfast together in some cute kosher restaurant on some kibbutz or in Jerusalem.<br />
<br />
So I force a few cups of coffee down my throat to get caffeinated, I get on the phone, I force myself to work, and because I'm so tired, I am not so productive. Not to mention the fact that because I am in an "office" at home (I am working as of this week on getting an office outside the home), I cannot make noise or argue loudly with the opponent attorneys which messes with my ability to work effectively. Then around 4am, I finish off my day, and crash in bed from a really really unbearably long day. Oh, and sometimes my 4am's end up being at 6am, after my wife's cell phone alarm wakes her up.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><i><u>So I've pretty much had it with this "upside-down time" lifestyle, and I want out</u>. I want to go back to the US when I woke up with society, and when I slept with society. Here, I feel that my work hours will be the death of me within the next ten years, tops. I give myself five more years of this before I'm dead of a heart attack or just the unhealthy lifestyle of being awake all night every night (and then having to jetlag myself every shabbos so that I can be awake for shul).</i></span></b><br />
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But then I go back and forth about the merits of Israel versus the desire to go back.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/eye-sick-blue-red-pain-743409/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: arial, tahoma, helvetica, freesans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-15605445309551783842016-01-20T03:07:00.002-05:002016-01-20T03:08:36.495-05:00Not Driven Into Another Woman's Arms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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While I would not do anything that would ever endanger our marriage, or the relationship we have (not to say anything about our family and the children), I completely understand how some men are driven towards extramarital affairs.<br />
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I work most of the day and most of the nights too now, and I am working from our little apartment in Beitar, Israel. I still work Colorado hours, so my days begin late, and they end late. I would say that I am experiencing "cabin fever," as I rarely get the chance to leave the house. With all this, however, my only daily source of companionship are the guys from my community, and at home, my wife.<br />
<br />
I come down to greet my wife late in the morning after the kids are in school. My work day ended at 3am or 4am Israel time, and so I am waking up just as my wife is getting off of her "morning shift" of dressing the kids and getting them on the bus. I come down the stairs to say hello, make us a brewed cup of coffee, and hopefully exchange a few meaningful words.<br />
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However, being a husband of almost TEN YEARS, she takes much of what I do for granted. If I bring in a client that pays the bills for two or three months of our living expenses, and that client pays up front, she is not excited about this. If I close a major case that I am working on, and the firm gets a large pay day, she is similarly not excited. If I talk to her about the news, she is not excited and doesn't want to hear about it. If I talk about a hobby that I am interested in, she is not interested in talking about it. If I speak about something relating to our home, or what someone in the community was speaking about in <i>shul </i>(synagogue), she is not interested. If I speak to her about something that we have similar interests in, she criticizes every one of my thoughts.<br />
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It is hard not to feel invisible or unloved in our family, but I am really feeling unloved. I've reached out and have tried to make friends -- and I have been successful in doing so -- but this does not fill the deep void and the distance I feel between myself and my wife.<br />
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I don't know about you, but I need to feel wanted. I feel loved when I am appreciated for the hard work that I do. I feel connected to someone when I can have a coherent conversation with them -- about anything! But each of our conversation devolves into a "you're wrong, you don't know what you're talking about" comment from her, and I politely end the conversation and retire into my own space, and I feel hurt and disconnected from her. I could speak about the pigeons in Brooklyn, and she'll disagree that they are annoying. I could speak about how the sky is blue, and she'll disagree that I don't know what I am talking about. You know, this hurts.<br />
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For these reasons, I could totally see how a man could make the mistake of getting seduced by another woman and how an affair could happen. Meet a woman in the bagel shop, and she laughs at your offhand joke, she finds you to be incredibly smart and sensitive, she finds you physically attractive, and any level-headed man could say, "Hey, I imagine that life could be better with this person. My wife doesn't love me, doesn't respect me, doesn't care about me anyway. How much could it hurt to start up a conversation with this woman who seems to be interested in me -- I know my boundaries and I would never let it turn into an affair" and then the man would tempt a platonic relationship or a friendship. One conversation would turn into two, two would turn into attending an event, a movie, a dinner, or a wedding together (while the wife thinks you are "going out with the guys,") and then seclusion or a moment would inevitably occur as luck has it which would catch both off guard with a spark of chemistry or passion which would lead to an accidental touch, a kiss, an embrace, and then an affair which would end up destroying his family and all those around him, and then it would be his fault for doing so.<br />
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Anyway, I do have a head on my shoulders, and I am happy that Judaism provides a man with <i>halachas of Yichud</i> (Jewish laws of seclusion with women), and that a religious man knows his limitations, and knows that by spicing up relationships with the opposite sex, and getting into secluded scenarios with women, he, she, or they together might make the drastic mistake of cheating on their spouses with the other, a move which would destroy their lives, the lives of their spouses, and the lives of their children (not to mention their bank accounts after fighting a divorce, not to mention their freedom because all of a sudden they need to stay chained to their family's location, their time because now the father needs to allocate days, weekends, or large blocks of time for "focused attention" with his children, namely, visitation, whereas when he was married, being present generally and spending a few meaningful minutes here or there playing with one or more of his kids, or learning with his kids, sitting at the dinner table, or just sitting with them with a coffee in his hands would have been more than sufficient). So no, it makes no sense to seek satisfaction in a mate elsewhere. Even more so, it makes sense to keep conversations with the opposite sex limited to friendly and simple. Some orthodox Jewish men avoid conversations altogether with women who are not their wives, and while I think this is a bit extreme, they are probably smarter for doing so.<br />
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But then what to do about the home life which is lacking meaning? What to do about the wife who chastises and criticizes, and who neglects to pay attention or give value to her husband? I don't have an answer to this, and while the answer of <i><b><u>"go take steps to form a connection and make the marriage better" *is* the answer</u></b></i>, it is easier said than done.<br />
<br />
In our relationship, there are good days, and there are bad days. Unfortunately, more days than not, we are just living our lives, and my wife finds more interesting things than "dealing with me." I know in my brain that I am important to her, and I know that in her heart she loves me, but in my heart, I very often don't feel love from her.<br />
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I sometimes think that it is *me* that is broken -- that I have a proclivity towards feeling inadequate, or being more needy than the average husband would be. I often wonder whether it is me who is bent towards feeling sadness and being unable to receive love from another. But I am very, *very* easy to satisfy. Give me one hug, say one positive comment towards me, compliment me once, and I am flying high for days.<br />
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Now let's be real. I am never "flying high." You know what I mean. Compliment me once, or be kind to me, or ask me about my day, and I am happy. I am very easy to satisfy. But when many days or weeks go by without a spark or even an attempt to connect, and when my own many attempts are scolded day after day, week after week, it hurts.<br />
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<i><u>NOTE</u>: It just so happens that my wife came over to me just now with a smile and said a few cheerful words. So while I am content, I am still affected by the conversation earlier today when my feelings were hurt. So now I'm sad, but I really don't have a reason to be, or do I? Who knows.</i><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/chimpanzee-sitting-sad-mammal-978809/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-85933930160582392942016-01-06T15:15:00.002-05:002016-01-06T16:19:00.706-05:00Calmer seas... Marriage-level fight averted, but do we want more children?!?It is not much fun to blog when things are going well, but for those of you who were concerned that the <i>shalom bayis</i> between my wife and myself was shattered, fear not -- we talked it out. Well, we fought it out peacefully.<br />
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Her issue with me is simply that <u><b><i>my best effort is not good enough for her</i> to satisfy her need for me to support her emotionally and otherwise after she gives birth.</b></u> I do work really hard and she acknowledged that she knows that I <i>try </i>really hard to help her after she gives birth, but time and time again, I have failed her by becoming overwhelmed myself by the extra burden which I am unable to handle.<br />
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That is a sad reality, but for some reason, she gained a new understanding from our "fight," namely, that I know my best isn't good enough and I feel terrible about it. I guess she didn't understand before this fight that <b><u>I really do care and am troubled by my failings with the past births of our other children</u></b> (each one having a different story where I somehow dropped the ball because I got overwhelmed by the circumstances). However, I am not punishing myself about it nor am I denying that I get overwhelmed easily when taking over household responsibilities which deals with handling, bathing, feeding, or playing with kids. As much as I absolutely LOVE my children, I simply have a lower tolerance for stress than she would like me to have, and so I get overwhelmed easily.<br />
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<i><u>I don't know if this is because I am coming from a broken family where there was trauma and a divorce, or whether I am simply the type of guy that shouldn't have children</u>.</i> Who knows, it is too late to breach that topic after already having created and raised a large and amazing family. Plus, I am happy with the meaningful life decisions I have made, and I am grateful to my wife for picking up the slack where I lacked, and for allowing me to have such a family.<br />
<br />
Whatever the cause of my inadequacies, I am still a proud father, a good husband, and I work my butt off trying to be the best I can be, even to the point of pushing myself into overwhelm, and then continuing <i>in the state of overwhelm</i> for as long as I can tolerate the uncomfortable feelings before I shut down and must step away from the fun experience of parenting (usually to retreat into my office or some dark place metaphorically where I can "de-fuzz"). I am also very helpful, <i>to the best of my abilities</i>. Obviously my wife would chuckle at the "to the best of my abilities" part, but as she says, "[T]here are many things that you are really good at, and there are some things that you are absolutely terrible at. Handling stress with children playing, being wild, crying, or screaming is not your strong point."<br />
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Anyway, in hindsight she says <u>it is because of my inability to do what she needs me to do that she is unwilling to have more children, and she is saddened by this and she blames me for this reality in our life</u>. While I am hurt by such a hurtful statement, I am not denying that she is wrong for feeling sad; I am also sad for us because I feel as if she is jumping to a false conclusion. <br />
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Where I differ with her on this topic is that I believe that if we were to have more children, for the week or so after my wife gives birth, I would once again do everything in my power to be there for her, to take over her responsibilities in the home, and to go FAR outside my comfort zone to take over both her responsibilities and maintain my own (or simply to shut down and/or minimize work with the law firm for a few weeks), and she'll just deal with my shortcomings as they likely will show up yet again. But then this time will pass, she will get angry at me again, we'll have another major set of marital-level fights, and things will once again go back to normal. I am okay with this, but she is not okay with this, and I don't necessarily disagree with her because our current lifestyle of me ending work at 6am when she wakes up does not lend itself to growing our family further than we already have. <br />
<br />
<b><u>I don't think the issue is that we don't <i>want</i> children, because in theory, I *too* want a large family</u></b> (I actually think that we already have a large family, and I am happy with the children we have been given thus far). I also don't think the main issue is that I wouldn't be there for her <i>immediately after the birth</i>. Being realistic, I think the real issue is that <b><u>I don't think it is healthy to add more family members to an already stressed situation where I am simply not home or around each morning and afternoon to help my wife with the kids, and I don't think that my wife should have the burden of raising the kids, cooking, cleaning, and doing homework all on her own</u></b>. And, this is not a "get a maid" issue -- my wife is well aware that I encourage and even would support her getting as much help as she needs to manage our large family. The reality is that I do run a busy U.S. law firm alone now crazy hours (because I am running it from Israel), and I am not a regular father than leaves at 8am and comes home at 5pm to relax with the kids, do homework, eat dinner, and put them to bed. Yes, I do help with the household chores, and I do dishes, wash and fold laundry, I put the kids to bed, I love them, and I handle all the family's financial matters, but <b><u>between myself and G-d, I am not present enough for my kids in the mornings before school and the afternoons after school to support them in their Torah learning, nor am I there to provide them help with their homework, and I don't feel present as a father to be able to say to my wife, "yeah, everything is great! Let's add to our family since we already have everything so well under control."</u> </b>For this reason, namely, that I cannot support my wife with the daily tasks of running the family and raising the kids, I don't think we should be adding more children to the mix of our already active family.<br />
<br />
We *are* both overwhelmed and stressed with the new move to Israel, and growing our already large family further is not an active goal of ours. However, we will always welcome a new member to the Strickman family with open arms whenever he or she decides to join us, and/or when Hashem blesses us with another child.<br />
<br />
...On an unrelated note, as far as shalom bayis is concerned, I *do* need to get an office outside the home, <i><b>if not</b></i> so that my wife appreciates and feels that I am actually working every day to make us the money that we are making, <i><b>then for</b></i> my own sanity of getting out of the home and feeling like I am accomplishing something in life. I am very self-critical and I do not compliment myself or my achievements, and so it is very easy for me to get depressed in life feeling like I am a failure, or that I am not accomplishing something in my business life. Working in my pajamas with the kids yelling outside my door while I am on a conference call is not only unprofessional, it is also destructive to my own confidence and my sanity. I need to feel like someone who is actually working a business, and although I *am* running a successful law firm from an office in my home in the middle of Israel, I don't feel the "official'ness" of my law practice where I eat, sleep, play, and say <i>Shema</i> with the kids in the same place where I run my grueling law practice with its long hours, its stresses, and its harsh mental requirements.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/dove-flying-peace-olive-branch-41260/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-5703471657469845362016-01-04T07:21:00.001-05:002016-01-04T11:26:10.427-05:00Disparity in work responsibilities - Living in Israel, Working in the US.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMRhiwsx9cFzXdNqSlOGvex7e9ZHkr2Ol_TqZYP6PE5USS2KGl5LvC1zMAMXM89K-G7GIY_YQU98rOHIUgIrlVQxpIJDwLB_Gyr0JQZsCih-XV6VBJqVuSGUBbnWJ49y5M5LLAOQ/s1600/clock-331174_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMRhiwsx9cFzXdNqSlOGvex7e9ZHkr2Ol_TqZYP6PE5USS2KGl5LvC1zMAMXM89K-G7GIY_YQU98rOHIUgIrlVQxpIJDwLB_Gyr0JQZsCih-XV6VBJqVuSGUBbnWJ49y5M5LLAOQ/s320/clock-331174_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Okay, so only four views on the last article, probably all were me reading my own blog. I logged in this morning looking for some kind of feedback about the marital issues, as they are my life, and without a marriage, the life I have built for myself crumbles.<br />
<br />
I woke up this afternoon upset. Why? Because yesterday, my wife stormed into my office upstairs in a rage accusing me of being a bad father and not supporting her during our last child's birth. Mind you, if I did anything that she claimed I did, it was in April of <b><u><i>2014</i></u></b> (almost two years ago!). When she stormed in, not remembering ANYTHING about what I allegedly did or did not do, I smiled, supported her, agreed that what I must have done was terrible, and moved on. But then it didn't stop.<br />
<br />
Later that night, she continued on about how angry she was at me, and how I was not supportive, and how she cannot have any more children with me because she knows that it would be the same here too in Israel, and that I would be just as unsupportive. Again, now slightly annoyed that she's harping on something that I really didn't think happened, I continued to be nice without arguing with her.<br />
<br />
Then later in the evening when I gave her a kiss on the head, she shrugged. Now this was late in the evening, and she was still angry with me?!?<br />
<br />
Okay, at this point, I got mad... <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I concede with full apology that literally a day or so after our second daughter was born (child #3), that I left for a week to study for the bar exam. This needed to happen, and I passed the bar exam, and from this effort alone, I supported our family for many years (and I would not have passed without doing this). However, because her parents were unwilling to assist my wife, she had to take care of three children on her own, for which she never forgave me. But then, totally sensitized to her need for support, on child #4, and on child #5, I was certainly there, taking on extra duties and going to the extreme to support her in her recovery.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Then I remembered the circumstances surrounding this last child. She just had the baby, and Passover was right around the corner. We discussed and agreed that we would NOT be hosting her family as we had done in past years, and that we would be going "out" to the communal Passover seders provided at the shul. That way, she wouldn't have to go through all the terrible burdens women go through when preparing for the seders, and we could "take it easy" and let her recover.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>But then she went against our decision and invited her entire family over. She thought she could deal with it, and I warned her many times that it was a bad idea and that she should cancel. As a result of her decision, I don't remember the details, but I do remember going nuts trying to take care of everything to assist her while at the same time, working the law firm, she stressed herself out and it ended up being a very negative experience. As usual, nobody in her family helped her with the seder (I don't remember if we even flew my mom in to help, but I think we did, but she did not stay for the seder because she had to get back home), and the seder was a very negative experience because yet again, everything fell on my wife's shoulders.</i></blockquote>
<i><br /></i>
So last night after communicating to her my dissent to her accusation that "I even made her drive the kids to school and bathe the kids when she got back from the hospital," I thought to myself, "yeah, this was one of the things she did as part of her responsibilities." <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I remembered now our fight about asking her to bathe the kids when she got back -- it was a few days of absolute exhausting hell running around all day and night back and forth from home (taking care of the four kids) to the hospital (bringing her kosher breakfast and meals) to let her recover (then running home, picking up kids, spending the day with them, putting them to bed, also running the law firm, then running to pick up and drop off dinner with my wife at the hospital, staying with my wife until midnight), etc., etc. It was an exhausting marathon.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Finally when I brought her and the new baby home from the hospital, she was totally normal and rested, walking around and talking as if she were fully back on her feet. I, on the other hand, was ready to collapse from exhaustion. So I asked her to bathe the kids because this was something that she always did. Yes, I should have done this too, but I had my limits, and at that moment, I did not understand that this would be a big deal for her. Apparently, it was a big deal, and I did not hear the end of the insults, calling me "subhuman" among many other hateful names for weeks afterwards. </i></blockquote>
<br />
<i>Okay, I screwed up, but what does it have to do with NOW, almost two years later? </i><br />
<br />
So she was triggered by something her friend said, and she was upset that if we had kids, she again would have the same problem with me, and that I'm such a piece of shit father that she wouldn't be able to recover in the hospital because I wouldn't be there for her. I cried inside because that statement really hurt.<br />
<br />
This is not the right time to mention it to the blog, but in Israel, my work schedule is 4pm-4am (or, 7am-7pm CST), or more realistically, it is 6pm-6am Israel time because of the time I need to "get to work," and because I take off Fridays and Sundays altogether, so I only work four days each week. <i><u>Us needing to do this (running the U.S. law firm from Israel) was a CONDITION that we discussed at length before we decided to leave to Israel</u></i>. As a result, I wake up most mornings between 11:30am - 12:30pm. I have coffee, I sit down to say hello to my wife, and then I "hang around the home" sometimes with the kids, sometimes in my office until it is time to get to work again. This is a killer schedule for me, especially because I find myself to be a slave to my home since I work in our apartment (yes, I am looking for a place to work outside the home), and because my work day only starts after I am totally exhausted and wiped out from a few hours of activities with the kids running and screaming. It is also a punishing schedule for my body, because I force it to stay awake when it wants to sleep at night. So when its bedtime for the kids (~7pm'ish), my real work day begins. In short, with this lifestyle, I feel like a zombie most of the time. <br />
<br />
So she's right -- if we have another child, it will be very difficult for me to support her because yet again, I will need to alter my SLEEP habits (as I do over and over, and this takes a large toll on my health), <i>[and it would be a difficult few WEEKS, not days, since my wife is insisting next time on going to a "new baby hotel" that she says women apparently go to in order to recover while the men take over all housework and continue their jobs (a feminist, anti-male, and sexist idea which I think is horrific because it negates all the work we men already do even when they come home after a day or so from being in the hospital giving birth)]</i>. <br />
<br />
But that brings me to the greater point that <b><u>if she is feeling this way and bringing up these old arguments and accusations, then we cannot stay in Israel</u></b>. Back in the U.S., I had the ability to take over my wife's responsibilities if needed, and to maneuver around town to pick up food, arrange for things to happen, and handle anything that came our way. Now in Israel, I do not speak the language, and I do not know my way around town. But even more relevant, I am sensing that she does not see or appreciate the work that I do, and this is a problem. Why? Because it seems to me as if she gets into the habit of thinking that because <i>Hashem</i> provides the <i>parnossa</i> for our family, I am just a vessel that receives the blessings (and thus she negates ALL THE OVERNIGHT HOURS EVERY NIGHT AND THE HARD WORK that I do to earn the income we make).<br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></u></b>
<u><span style="font-size: large;"><b>She simply doesn't see me working, and all she sees is me waking up late </b><i>(after she has made lunches for the kids, woken up early, gotten them breakfast, dressed, and then off to school)</i><b>, then she sees hanging around doing nothing during the day </b><i>(after she just cleaned for an hour or so)</i><b>, and then she sees me isolating myself in my office when her day gets hard </b><i>(just when the kids come home from school and the tough part of her day begins)</i><b>. </b></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-size: large;"><b>And, because she does not see, she does not comprehend the harsh circumstances of staying up ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT trying to focus and run the law practice </b><i>(while she watches videos at night, relaxes after a hard day's work, and sleeps a full night's rest)</i><b>. No fair, this is not okay.</b></span></u><br />
<br />
Now if we were working together <i>as I thought we were</i>, meaning, she understands that we are both sacrificing to make this work, then yes, living in Israel can continue. But if she starts the "you're selfish, I do everything" game again, totally negating all the months of work and sacrifice I have done thus far (and that I continue to do each night), no, I cannot handle this, and we'll have to leave. And if we left, I cannot promise that I wouldn't blame her for not making our Aliyah to Israel work. I do feel that if we left, our <i>shalom bayis</i> would suffer from such a blow that I am not sure we could ever fully recover.<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. </span><a href="https://pixabay.com/en/clock-wave-lines-sylvester-331174/" rel="nofollow" style="background-color: white; color: #74a8d0; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Link</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #5e5e5e; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 12.6px;">.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-36146603762214854902015-12-31T09:11:00.002-05:002015-12-31T09:34:56.718-05:00Left vs. Right - When a Marriage Fails Because the Partners' Ideologies Do Not Match.<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt3HH2EyUGcpBTRaRe06wWPhi_ZxFvDsLvESjP3HtYrVy5LZfAXoIiNYdAG7qnXLQxJgBOnwl9oso-G01BKLRHirQxYdsFUpOQpdts80zDp9DjKc2jJYbVq7jAmbo89JBGt4gT7w/s1600/eagle-860344_640.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt3HH2EyUGcpBTRaRe06wWPhi_ZxFvDsLvESjP3HtYrVy5LZfAXoIiNYdAG7qnXLQxJgBOnwl9oso-G01BKLRHirQxYdsFUpOQpdts80zDp9DjKc2jJYbVq7jAmbo89JBGt4gT7w/s320/eagle-860344_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
At what point is a marriage dead...? When the two partners are no longer emotionally connected? When they are no longer partners with a common interest? When?!?</div>
<br />
I have always hated talking about myself for the sole reason that I will be prejudiced financially, physically, or even jailed for some crime for a thought that someone found to be offensive. Let's just put it this way -- I live in fear that someone will take away my life because I don't buy into the rosy-colored utopian left-leaning progressive viewpoint some people have about life. <br />
<br />
I don't think that life is all about peace and love. I think that life is about war and conflict. I look around each day wondering who is suspicious, who I should be careful of who may abduct my children, what nooks and crannies in a wall can injure my children who may play in that area, and who could commit a crime and how do I protect myself and my family against that injury.<br />
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I fear that people might think that I'm a kook for worrying about things before they happen, but I am a very safe person. I don't get into accidents because I anticipate when someone will swerve into my lane, or when someone is acting strange. I avoid getting into conflicts, and I live a very calm life. I have good relationships with most people around me, and I'd say that I live in peace.<br />
<br />
However, I don't have peace. My shalom bayis is existent, but at what cost of deadening the relationship between me and my wife? I thought we were doing well these past few years, but I'm realizing that we have not been doing well.<br />
<br />
If a topic of discussion is not a topic my wife is interested in, she is not interested in listening to it. "I don't want to hear about it," she'll say. That was fine at the beginning of our relationship when there were so many topics that I was fascinated by, and so over the years, I would move from topic to topic until she'll shut it down because she is not interested in hearing about it or talking about it, so I would move onto the next topic and so on.<br />
<br />
In the beginning of our marriage, I was very much into homeopathic medicine, brain entrainment (holosync, hemisync, yoga, ayurveda, meditation). Then when she wasn't interested in that, I started talking about alternative medicines, health, and wellness. That was shut down. Then after a while, we started to see a marriage therapist because we had so many walls between us that <i><u>it wasn't that I had nothing to say to her -- I simply ran out of things to speak about that she wanted to hear.</u></i> <br />
<br />
To bring you up to speed on my life, we made aliyah last year not because we were anticipating the redemption of Moshiach and the returning of the Jewish people from the Jewish exile of the Roman Empire, but rather, because I did not feel that the environment in the United States was heading in a direction that would be safe for my children's well being. I was concerned that the US was turning into a militaristic dictatorship (not one that will shoot its citizens, but one that will jail and financially deprive, sue, and confisgate the savings of its citizens who do not go along with the progressive liberal viewpoints of those in power). I felt that we were going away from the principles of liberty and freedom upon which the country was built. Not only that, but in the neighborhood we were living in and the events of Ferguson, Missouri, and then the events of Baltimore and the black war against the cops and the threats of war and Islamic terrorist against the US, I was concerned that the infrastructure of what kept us safe was threatened. Since those in power were not taking steps to make the problem go away, I came to the conclusion that things are only getting worse, and so we decided to leave. We moved to Israel 1) because my wife is a zionist and believes in the building of the Jewish state, and 2) because I am a Jew, and even though the Israeli government is also a socialist state (some call it a police state), at least here I am not seen as the enemy for my viewpoints.<br />
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Obviously there were other reasons for coming to Israel -- we were looking for a place where our children could have a good education, many friends, and a community of people who were like-minded. But really, with the drug dealers living across the street from us, and the looting that was happening across the US at the time (and a government who was supporting the looters rather than the store owners), I thought we were getting to the point where I would need to get a gun license, learn how to fire a gun and become one of those survivalist kooks who store food and water in an underground vault (really, it would have just been under our stairs in the closet), or move. I even went to Costco and purchased a 55 liter water jug just in case the water went out [since we did not live near a source of clean water]. Buying a generator, security cameras, a shotgun, a pistol, a safe to store the pistol safely, and a generator was next on my list before we left.<br />
<br />
But getting back to the topic of this article -- a connection between a husband and a wife -- it is becoming very clear to me that I married a bleeding-heart liberal who doesn't see the world the way I see it. She doesn't see war and conflict, but rather, love and peace. Now obviously there is a medium of simply being both optimistic and realistic, but what is really tugging at my heart is -- <i><u>how can a marriage survive when the husband and the wife do not share common views of the world? How can a marriage survive when one partner shows no interest in the topics of interest and passions of the other partner</u>, and in fact, she goes so far as to scorn the ideals that are meaningful to me and call those who adhere to the belief systems I believe in as rubbish, garbage, and kookery?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
So I am once again faced with a decision -- for the sake of <i>shalom bayis</i>, to give in to her demands and no longer speak about <i>yet another set of topics</i> which she does not find to be interesting and to <i>dead-en</i> our relationship even further. Yet one more "wall" will now go up between us, and I will retreat further and further into my own world, and my connection to her will yet diminish even further.<br />
<br />
However, I already thought it was deadened and diminished as things were. I have found topics to speak about with her that interest her -- kids, school, family, social interactions -- but what about our relationship with each other? How does a marriage continue when one partner makes absolutely no effort to know or understand the other partner? And how do I stand in her presence when all I feel around her is a rejection of those ideals I believe strongly in? I chuckle at saying this, but I really don't think she knows who I am.<br />
<br />
I guess the only answer is to find topics to talk to her about which she enjoys, and to find interests that we share in common, and focus on those. As far as the end of the marriage, not to worry about the differences between us, and not to compromise or stop being the right-leaning conservative political activist that I am in my heart. I'll continue to be interested in the things that I am interested in, and as we get older and older (I am now almost in my 40's believe it or not) and as our children continue to grow, by the time they are grown up and move out to live lives of their own, we'll see if there is anything left holding us together. Hopefully the amazing daily effort, hardship, and difficulty in raising a family together will be enough "glue" to keep us together even if our interests, values, or viewpoints of the world differ. And as for a "passion" or a deep connection with my wife, well, that has never been the case, nor will it ever be the case. She's my partner in life, not my partner in crime.<br />
<br />
My rabbi used to tell me, "Your wife is not your chevrusa. Don't try to make her one." I suppose that also means, don't try to co-opt your wife into being your best friend to share all of your interests and visions. If she is your best friend, great, but if she is not, don't worry about it. Remember, the Jewish purpose of a marriage is to be married, not to extract all the good-feeling benefits and goodies that come from being married. Being married in and of itself is an outcome that is seen as merit from the Jewish faith. If your wife is not your "partner in crime," have relationships outside of the home with others [of your own sex] with whom you can connect with and draw support from, and with whom you can talk to if times are tough between you and your wife. Be part of a group, a community, even an online Facebook group of like-minded folks, if necessary. But remember, your wife is not the end-all-be-all-treatment for all of your emotional and psychological ills, wills, and motivations.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">NOTE: Image taken from Pixbay, CC0 Public Domain, Free for commercial use, No attribution required. <a href="https://pixabay.com/en/eagle-flight-bird-wildlife-860344/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Link</a>.</span>Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com0Betar Illit31.7010023 35.11192540000001831.6739833 35.071584900000019 31.728021299999998 35.152265900000017tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10890885.post-76612578486586360592014-09-17T14:53:00.001-04:002014-09-17T15:15:02.171-04:00My possible new understanding behind my "overwhelm" experiences.I have been going through some kind of internal turmoil these past few weeks. It all started with a therapy session revelation that when I get "overwhelmed" when playing with the kids or while enjoying an intimate conversation with my wife, that feeling of overwhelm is a fear that pops up in my mind machine telling me that I am about to get attacked by my dad. Weird, huh? I'll explain.<br />
<br />
When interacting with the kids and playing with them (e.g., I was swimming in our pool and being a whale while the kids rode on my back cackling and experiencing lots of joy), instead of experiencing what psychologists call an "endorphin" good-feeling experience, I get overwhelmed and I "shut down." I get a headache, and I experience a pain surrounding my head like a helmet combined with a pain in my heart, and my tolerance for the experience drops through the floor. I tell myself that I am not thinking straight, I become dizzy and I feel like I want to pass out. I experience a horrible feeling in my chest (as if I was being starved; as if I have not eaten in days), and I feel nauseous. I really at that point want the experience to end, so I retreat to a "safe" place without all of the overstimulation. Since I was in the pool at this particular moment, I politely told the kids to go out of the pool for a few minutes while I breathed and let the feeling sensations pass.<br />
<br />
I don't actually go "Jeckyll and Hyde." Rather, I notice that I am not feeling well, and so (if needed), I end whatever experience is happening so that I can crawl into my own shell and recover. This is why I love my office so much -- after the morning stress of making lunches and dealing with whatever mess was conjured up in my home between, say, 6am and 7am, after the kids get to school, my office is a good place to sit down and "de-fuzz" (and maybe have a good cry ;p ) before my workday begins.<br />
<br />
I was discussing this experience with a therapist I am seeing, and he was leading me through some kind of visualization to determine the cause of the overwhelm. In the visualization, while reviewing the "tatty is a big whale in the pool" experience, I noticed and mentioned that "this sounds out of place -- <b><u>I'm feeling a dull feeling of fear that my dad is about to scream and attack me.</u></b>" "That's it!" the therapist chimed.<br />
<br />
He explained that often messed up feelings do not have anything to do with the experience in which they manifest themselves. My fear of getting attacked by my dad -- who is now many hundreds of miles away from us, and who is now an older man no longer in an authority role where he can yell, scream, or burden us with his explosive temper tantrums -- was not logically related at all to me feeling happiness in spending time with the kids. "It's not logical!" I explained to the therapist, whereas he responded, "specters such as these are not supposed to be logical."<br />
<br />
In other words, the therapist believes that somewhere up in my mind machine, it has linked together the concept of "what-would-be-endorphin-producing-pleasurable-experiences" and this "pain." I imagine a loving child wanting to climb on his daddy, and his daddy explodes out of anger for whatever his reason, only to leave that child cowering in a corner wondering what he did to elicit such an explosive anger reaction when he only wanted to play with his daddy. In other words, I was probably spooked a few times (or at a minimum, ONE traumatic experience) which caused my mind machine to overwrite the "pleasure" signal with "fear" or "pain." Thus, when the pleasure signal is triggered, I feel the sensation of pain.<br />
<br />
"What a sucky experience that must be," I thought. I have resorted to paying attention to the feelings, and breathing through the overwhelm when I sense it, all the while reading books on the topic and doing work on myself to hopefully fix this "problem" I appear to be experiencing. But, so far, no dice.Zoe Strickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07940789852735669214noreply@blogger.com4