Frumpter

Update - Struggles already with new diet.

2011-07-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't realize I was already on Day 4. Here is my diary so far.

DAY 1 (SUNDAY, 7/24):
On Sunday, I just had my juiced vegetables and water. My wife made me some coffee, and even though this is not the best way to start, I figured that it is a good idea to start one step at a time. I don't function well without coffee. For dinner, I cooked some sweet potatoes and then blended them with some spices. It made for a very delicious dinner.

DAY 2 (MONDAY, 7/25):
Same as day 1; everything was going well. I decided not to have coffee (too acidic), so I was moody and groggy for much of the day. Also had a huge headache from the hunger pangs. However, at night, my wife was starting to bug me about me doing this. She asked me, "so are you going to only be drinking juices? Will you be eating meat or anything else at all?" and I answered, "[Eve,] I have not decided exactly what I'm doing yet. But yeah, sure, I'm sure I'll be open to eating meat." Then I saw that she made this gigantic leg of some kind of beef. I'm talking the kind of meat that you would see being sold at a carnival! I'm telling you, the meat was red, it looked like corned beef on a bone, and it smelled amazing!

Inside, I had this dilemma. I really didn't want to eat this meat, but I didn't want to seem like an extremist either. Also, how bad could this one piece of meat be?

I took a few bites, and then I stopped. Then I took a few more bites, and then after being upset with myself, I finished off a bag of parve cheese doodles. "Damn," I thought. I wish I were stronger.

DAY 3 (TUESDAY, 7/26):
Being slightly upset about the night before, I resumed my "vegetable juice only" regimen. I drank my water throughout the day, drank green juice throughout the day, all was good. In the afternoon, my wife made the same kind of soup I made just a few days before, but she didn't spice it at all... plus, she used carrots. When I asked her about it, she said she made it for me. After tasting it, I decided to improve the taste (or at least give it some), and so I added some salt, an apple, and some spices. The problem is that I poured clover instead of ginger, and then when I realized it was the wrong one, I used too much ginger. I tasted it and I dealt with the horrific taste of clover between my tongue and the top of my mouth. Later that night, my wife tasted it and almost spit it out. She said it was terrible tasting, and I apologized for ruining her soup. In the evening, I saw my wife cooked the kids some chicken nuggets, a minimal amount was left on their plates after they went to sleep. I gobbled up what was there (maybe a piece or two), and then I decided that I need to balance that with something healthy. I steamed some organic broccoli, and that, along with some green juice and Yerba mate tea was my dinner. Tea tasted disgusting without any sweetener. I think I'm going to go get some Stevia or something healthy. All in all, this was a good day.

DAY 4 (TODAY, WEDNESDAY, 7/27):
Today I was having a difficult day. In the morning, I saw that my weight had dropped to 238 lbs -- holy smokes! This was the first time in years I had broken below this weight! I started my morning with my green veggie juice, but I had a serving of Halva my mother-in-law got us from her trip to Israel. Throughout the day, I drank water - a liter or so, but in the afternoon when my wife was cooking herself that yummy meat (my piece from Day 2 that I did not eat), I took two pieces of cheese and ate them (dairy is no good for my diet). A few minutes later, I had another serving of Halva, two more pieces of cheese, and then I walked away realizing that I suck at sticking to this healthy food thing. I'll be having more green juice and some veggies for dinner.

All in all, this takes a lot of will power. I'm used to having lots of coffee each day, and I've cut that out, at least for now. Part of me thinks I can use the caffeine, and so the Yerba mate tea does have a lot of caffeine, so I'll try that instead. I went to IKEA this morning with my wife and our kids (the two not in day camp), and we spent two hours roaming the room setups. I purchased a strainer so that the tea doesn't get mixed with what I drink. Yesterday I brewed it in my coffee maker, but the instructions said that to benefit most from it and not kill the enzymes (or whatever nutrients are in Yerba), let it sit in cooler water first, then pour the hot water and heat it up. My coffee brewer shot boiling water all over it. The problem is that now that I have a strainer (it cost $0.99), I need to toivel it because it is metal. Now I need to figure my way over to the shul and gain access to the mikveh.

New weight loss regimen. Time for some life changes.

2011-07-23T23:36:00.000-04:00

Image: greenphile / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is motzai shabbos, July 23rd, 2011, and I am taking something on that I could use some support on.

Last year, I went to the doctor and he told me that I was months away from a heart attack. I wasn't significantly overweight -- at the time I was 245 lbs and being a tall 6'4" with broad shoulders, my weight was bad, even "obese" according to the BMI chart, but I wasn't walking around with a gut. As a result, he told me that my good cholesterol was low and that I needed to start taking Niacin pills to hold me over while I change my lifestyle.

With the permission of my wife, I used our income tax return money to purchase a Vitamix 5200 Juicer, and an EasyGreen sprout grower. I also bought a step counter and committed to walking 10,000 steps each day. I did this religiously for a while, but I never reached 10,000. I also grew sprouts regularly for a while and juiced them with vegetables, but as the document review project that I was on ended and I started studying for the NY bar exam, so did my exercise and my diet.

Since then I've kept it up only intermittantly, juicing maybe once every other week, growing sprouts, etc. but the exercise dropped off a cliff and never returned. Similarly, the step counter ran out of batteries, and I got tired of seeing that I only walked 4,000 steps that day which was embarassing, especially since my wife hit 10,000 on her step counter just running around with her smaller steps doing regular chores. Then she got pregnant, and I quit the whole health thing.

However, now it's almost two years later, and I am just as fat, unhealthy, and I've been getting sick a lot, especially since I have been working the law firm each day without leaving the home. It seems as if every other week, I come down with the flu or some cold which knocks me off my feet. Theraflu has become my tea of choice these past few months. In short, I'm getting tired of being sick and tired.

So my wife started exercising, and I've been listening to old audios of Tony Robbins (Living Health) that I have in my audio archives. I've also been re-reading the books I have on the shelf regarding the importance of staying hydrated, keeping your body alkaline, etc. I'm also watching streaming health videos on Netflix (at this moment, "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead" which I am finding humorous since I relate to the character so much) which is a stark improvement from the Prison Break series or Battlestar Galactica which took up many months of my evening viewing in the past year.

So here's my plan, and this time I hope to stick to it. I will resume juicing and eating greens so that every day I have healthy liquid vegetables to drink. I will resume drinking at least three liters of filtered water each day. I will go to the gym at least twice each week. I will also get my sleeping habits in order so that I can wake up early and immediately start on this regimen -- this is my commitment. Hopefully being away in the morning will also lead me into the halls of the Empire Shteibel, my shul. In the past, this has been sufficient to get my health back on track. I cannot and will not commit more than this because this seems to be an overwhelming lifestyle change. I will not give up food, snacks, junk food, coffee, soda, or other vices, at least not yet. I am adding the good before I start subtracting the bad. Step by step is the way I will go.

Afraid Hashem is firing a shot across the bow.

2011-07-18T20:33:00.004-04:00

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

First of all, this is the first time I have gone through my e-mail since December, 2010. I am floored, honored, shocked, and a bit embarrassed that many of you read the blog. For a while, I thought this was merely my sounding board for people who hated my guts and called me all sorts of names. I liked it because for once, I got an honest answer to the issues that were bothering me in life. Now I just checked my e-mail, and holy smokes, you actually read this stuff! As if the dysfunctional parts of my life are fodder for your reading pleasure. I actually almost cried because I felt cared for when I read all your e-mails, and I apologize for not returning any of them.

I usually don't write because I really have nothing to say. I'm working my law firm out of our bedroom closet, and we've made more money than ever and I'm scared as hell that this won't last.

I've been successful in my niche area [which kills me that I can't talk to you about it because there are so few people doing what I'm doing], but the problem is that where a few months ago I was pulling in weeks where the firm was making $9K-$12K a week -- don't get me wrong -- this happened only a few times -- my average these past few weeks has been $1,000 - $2,000 per week. That's still more than I was making at document review, but it is no longer so impressive.

While on the surface it appears as if the niche area of law I've been working on has had its time, I have this sneaking suspicion that our berachas are running out. G-d has given me such an opportunity to allow me to be frum and I've blown it by not davening with tallis and tefilin, and by separating myself from our community.

Today, I almost cried because we got a check for $1,000, but the help the new client needed was moot and so I e-mailed him that I was going to return his check because I couldn't help him. I told my wife that I was sure that this was Hashem firing a shot across the bow. He is saying, "I gave you this parnossa; I can take it away at any time." But all over me not davening?!? This kills me. I am so strong in so many areas of yiddishkeit -- kashrus, Shabbos, learning Torah, especially nigleh! I spend roughly an hour each day learning torah, and over Shabbos, sometimes I learn up to four or five hours. Plus, whenever I get bored, instead of picking up a book on whatever, I usually grab for something torah-oriented. I love learning! I hate davening.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm wiped out because our kids have gotten into the bad habit of waking up at 5:30am, and this infuriates me because I really don't do well with getting enough sleep. As you all know, when I become sleep deprived, I am not at my best. My days start by how I wake up, and the way I have been waking up lately has made me a mess.

June 2011 Frumpter Update -- No Longer Doing Slave Labor, Started Own Firm

2011-06-29T11:01:00.006-04:00

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It has been so long since I have written that I couldn't even remember the password to log into the Frumpter blog account. What sparked me coming back here was an e-mail I saw from months ago telling me that I should remove the semi-porn photo from this blog. Not remembering putting up even a provocative photo, I thought to myself, "the blog must have been hacked." So I logged in, and I started reading all the posts about my wife's grandmother, my document review position (now long gone), the fights my wife and I were having. The more I read, the worse I felt. This blog is not good for my shalom bayis, and I'm glad my wife didn't have the interest to ever look it up.

In short, at some point last year we had a fire in our home. Nothing major, some damage to my books and some items in the kitchen, but nobody was hurt. At the time, my Rabbi told me that there are sources in Chassidus which teach that when someone has a fire in his home, it is usually a sign that person and his family will shortly become wealthy. The logic is that an outbreak of a fire ("Aish") contains so much concentrated Gevurah (lit. severity) in one place, that there is no choice but that the fire ends up bringing down Chesed (lit. kindness/mercy) in equal proportions, often in the form of money and wealth. Obviously no doubt a jew should never fortune-tell his future based on events that happen, but still it is something to smile at and wish it would be true.

Well in short, I was working crazy hours while working the document review project full-time. I was commuting back and forth from Crown Heights by way of the subway (eek, think hand sanitizer every day), and I was getting home around midnight almost every evening. Why? Because after document review, I would go to the nearest Starbucks, and I would sit there for hours and make phone calls because I was starting my law practice. In short, I was working two jobs -- the document review full time, and the law practice almost full time as well.

I was too afraid to start the law practice without having at least six (6) months equivalent of document review salary available -- the logic was that if I worked the law practice every day for six months after leaving the document review project, I would be able to find another one if I saw that my efforts were not bearing fruit. Funny enough, since the project I was on was only producing something like $30/hour (maybe $25/hour, I cannot remember at this point), all I needed for 6-months of salary was $30,000. Since all the money from the document review went into just basic living expenses, I saved this money by working nights at the law firm and taking on new clients. As soon as I saved this 6-months of salary, I quit the document review project, and I went to work full time on my new law firm.

It was February 2011 when I left the project and hit the ground running on my firm exclusively and full time. I still kept time sheets as if I were still working the document review because I didn't want to slack off and work fewer than the 40-50 hours I was working as a minimum each week at the project. However, the firm quickly became successful (with a huge amount of effort, obviously), and now I have more people calling than I can take on as clients. I have focused my practice into one little niche area, taken on a bunch of clients, and now this is all I do each day from morning to evening. I am a bit burned out from all the effort, but I am just keeping my routine and thinking of my practice as my good-paying job. In four hours of work (billable hours, that is), I make as much as I would have made in a week of working my butt off in the document review project.

I work from home, and although my wife and I have agreed to very strict boundaries of when the closet (and a majority of our bedroom at times) in our Brooklyn apartment is my office, and when the closet is just a closet, I spend a lot of time with my family during the day. Since I do patent work, most of my clients are over the internet, so I am fine being situated with a scanner, my laptop, a printer, and some office supplies. I am obsessively organized with my client's paperwork, and I keep everything as organized as possible. I say "as possible" because I have piles of papers which I no longer need, but I simply have not had time to digitize and scan them into electronic format and file them away.

Being that I work from home, I am able to spend time with my wife and now FOUR KIDS (our most recent child -- boy -- was conceived on/around Rosh Hashanna last year, and he was born early May, 2011). My wife likes the fact that we are no longer struggling to pay the rent, and she also likes that she can each week tell me the dates and times she needs me for whatever purpose, and I simply block that time as "unavailable" to my clients so they cannot book appointments for those times. She is also completely excited that after five years of marriage, we are finally going to be replacing her current sheitel with a nice (and unfortunately, but I am happy for her, expensive sheitel). Her current one still looks good, but for those of you who wear sheitels, with the amount of hair pulling that has happened over the years, she has needed to change the style a few times now to cover over the areas of the sheitel that are starting to get "bald."

Being financially well off -- remember, this our fourth month of having good parnossa -- we both understand that this is a gift from Hashem and that it can end at any day, at any moment -- for now has been something that the two of us have had to acclimate ourselves to. Our first inclination when money started coming in was to start spending and buy ourselves the things we always wanted. However, after a few clothing sprees for the kids and seeing a few multi-hundred-dollar expenses show up on my credit card, my wife and I quickly had the conversation that money is not there to be spent -- it is there for times we need it, and for times where it would make us more comfortable.

Perfect example -- the most recent hospital stay when my wife was giving birth. My wife didn't want to share a room with some stranger as she has done in the past, but the cost of a single room was quite expensive. I told her to book a single room anyway because it is for times like this that the money is best spent. Similarly, I have been looking at an English Gemara set on Amazon.com so that I can learn the Hebrew text line-by-line, and so I spent a few hundred dollars and bought the set.

(As a side topic, the author is a questionable academic with views of Judaism which comparatively delve into other religions more than I would like (and more than I would be comfortable reading about), but just as I often learn Gemara from the online Soncino version on the well known, anti-semetic Come And Hear website, if the Gemara doesn't have New Testament, Yoshka, or comparative texts from the Koran pasted all over it, I have nothing wrong with reading G-dliness (Oral Torah) from an author who might not be a follower of Hashem. As long as he is not skewing the meaning of things or interpreting things in view of non-Jewish texts, I have nothing wrong with learning from his translations. Torah is Torah, regardless of whether it is written by a G-d fearing Jew, a pious gentile, or even when quoted by a Hitler (mach'sh'mo). [Maybe I am way off on this statement. Something feels wrong about writing that.])

As far as shalom bayis is concerned, for now my wife and I are okay. The newest boy is a screamer, and he keeps both my wife and myself awake most of the night, so we're pretty much pulling our hair out from all the stress and lack of sleep, but then again, I don't have that much hair to lose and hers is covered anyway. ;) The underlying issues are still there -- she treats me more as a roommate rather than a husband, and she sees her role in life as only a mother and she forgets that she is also a wife in a relationship that needs to be nurtured, so she forgets the simple things like, for example, talking to me once in a while, but things for now are fine.

My Rabbi told me that the best way to deal with this is to continue to act towards her like I would like her to act towards me, and that I should buy her flowers frequently (at minimum, every erev shabbos) and little things to show her that I think of her and that she's loved. He told me to do this always, even when things are good, but not to expect any results in terms of her opening up to me and showing a change.

For now, things are good. I'll post again in a few months. ;)

My wife has come home... she's been sleeping a lot.

2010-10-13T22:26:00.001-04:00

Okay, so my wife came back yesterday morning. I tried my hardest to be there early, but her flight got in around half an hour early. By the time I got there, my wife was sitting there on the curb with a sad face on. I was sad that I didn't get there earlier -- I really made an effort -- I even took off work in the morning even though we desperately need the hours -- so that I could be the one to pick her up.

She's been fine these past few days. She really hasn't said much. She spoke about her experiences in Israel and her spiritual experiences with regard to her grandma's death. As for us, she said that she cannot believe that the person I am would say the things I said and -- yes, these are her words -- I must have been possessed by the devil himself (I suppose she meant the Sattan or the Yetzer Hara) because all of my actions and everything around her seemed to go to extremes trying to stop her from going to Israel to say goodbye. She felt like she did holy things there, and she really affected the atmosphere of those around her, including uplifting her grandma who was receptive to her words of prayer.

As for everything else, she's been pretty quiet. I think she's jetlagged or depressed because she's been going to sleep around 7pm yesterday and tonight and I have not had a chance to spend any time with her since she's come back. I get back at 6:45pm, we put the kids to sleep, and she's asleep minutes later. My insecurities tell me to feel hurt that she hasn't made any effort to communicate with me or spend time with me, but I'm shaking these feelings off because whichever one it is, she probably needs time to come back to normal and regain her emotional and physical strength.

As for everything else, I've picked up the pace of my share of the housework to make things easier for her (and to keep me sane). On top of that, I've been having meetings with law firm prospective clients and I am up to two clients, possibly as of tonight, a third. We'll see. I am doing all this for us, you know... and to get me the hell out of that sweat shop of a document review project. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND works document review in NYC for $25/hr?

Why G-d, why? Grandmother died. I feel horrible. :(

2010-10-11T22:04:00.004-04:00

Wow, it can only go from bad to worse, can't it?

I've been waiting to hear back from my wife about the status of her grandmother. When I asked her over a Skype conversation on Sunday, she shrugged, rolled her eyes and said, "don't ask." Our conversation was superficial; I supposed she was stressed. It kind of hurt that she was taking so much pleasure in talking to our kids, but she really had nothing to say to me. You might answer, "well why would she want to speak to you, Zoe? You're an asshole and you're slime for saying the things you have." True, no doubt. But this is the way she is even when things are good.

I was saddened that she didn't have much to say to me, if anything, and that she didn't lean on me or confide in me. With the exception of our fights which you read about from my perspective only [via this blog], I'm really a hard-working, caring and loving husband who is an amazing father to our children. No doubt, there are issues which have lingered throughout our marriage that I've been nudging to work out, the subject of our last fight being one of them. [A piece of challah just got stuck to my arm as I was writing this, and when I turned my arm over, I saw it and I thought it was a scorpion and I jumped and screamed. Luckily I'm alone and the kids are asleep as I'm writing this.]

Anyway, after not hearing from my wife all day -- her last day in Israel -- I figured that she would at least call me to arrange for her to be picked up from the airport. She didn't call, and she didn't leave a forwarding number while she was in Israel, so all I had was the grandmother's phone number from her last two trips at whom she was not staying this time around (and that phone number rang and rang and rang with nobody picking up.) I waited a few hours and hearing nothing, I sent her an e-mail telling her that I want to wish her well on her flight back and that she should call me so we can arrange for her arrival.

I got no phone call.

Then, hours later, her brother called me asking me if I could pick her up from the airport. I told him I haven't heard from her and I was wondering how his grandmother was. "Our grandmother died last night... Nobody told you? We all knew about it first thing this morning. The funeral was this morning." Nobody told me.

Then my first thought was, "Thank G-d I called her up and convinced her to go after our fight, or else we would have gotten divorced over this."

I agreed to pick her up, and in fact, I insisted on picking her up. Regardless of the hours of work I will necessarily miss for this, it is not even a consideration knowing that my wife just went through the death of her grandmother and a funeral! I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of pain she is in.

I also cannot believe how dumb I feel for fighting with her about her going to Israel in the first place. I am sure she will fault me for her grandmother's death, and she will fault me for stopping her from going and visiting, even though I was never opposed to her going. I am so upset and crushed that her grandmother died, but even more so, I feel like such a fool that she died right as we fought days before about her going to Israel. I promise you world, I had NO IDEA she was this sick, and I thought she had many months of life left! Many people get cancer! They don't keel over and die overnight! What happened to the whole "6 months to live" death sentence? AND EVEN THEN people live out years beyond that making jokes about the doctors ultra-conservative prognosis!

I knew that her brother said that she was doing very poorly when he visited just a week ago, but I didn't realize that meant their grandmother was imminently dying! I had NO IDEA this was what was happening! If so, I would never have instigated a fight over the text messages. [They were half jokes that turned into a fight after she over and over misconstrued my words into something disgusting and ugly! I was just making a point in the texts. I didn't have any intention of her not going. I was just feeling unloved and ignored, and I wanted some attention, appreciation, or acknowledgement that I was and am doing well in being a good husband and father]. I could just as easily take my $50K/yr on our single income and law school debt, rent, and daycare for two kids and I could watch movies every afternoon and evening sitting outside with a beer achieving absolutely nothing like so many people do who don't care to make a life for themselves. But no! I stay out until 10pm sometimes working my ass off learning new materials so that I can properly give my wife and my family what they want and need! And when I am home, I AM HOME! I don't take my work home with me. I am playful with the kids, present and dominant as a parent, helpful in the home, and I am a good husband to my wife. Now I'm the piece of shit who almost stopped her from seeing her grandmother just a few days before she left this earth forever.

I don't know how I can ever salvage this one.

2010-10-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hey, out of curiosity, what should we look for in a marriage counselor? How much should they cost, etc.?

What are the pitfalls, the benefits, the costs?

Can anyone share any POSITIVE stories? I know the negative ones all lead to divorce.

End of the TXT-MESSAGE-FIGHT story.

2010-10-10T02:18:00.001-04:00

First of all, I stopped moderating comments. Too often, I'll write something in the heat of the moment and not log on for another week, or a holiday will go by or something and I and everyone else don't see your posts. So now it's no longer moderated.

As for the whole Israel trip. Here is the end of the story.

The following morning, I was ready to talk to my wife thinking that she'd cooled down from the previous day's interactions. The first thing she asked me is whether I take back all the things I said before and do I admit that I am a selfish asshole. I told her that I was still sorry I said them the way I did, but I still meant what I said, but I thought I was right and that I'd be happy to talk about it like adults.

I can't recall the words that were exchanged, but they were primarily insults directed at me where she was venting anger and throwing insults my way, but no, she wouldn't discuss anything that was said. Finally, I got ready, went to work, and kissed my three kids goodbye. Knowing that my wife was flying to Israel that morning, I was horrified and sad that she was okay with leaving with such negativity between us, but she made no efforts to smooth things out despite my many attempts the night before and that morning. Instead of kissing her too, I told her to "go to hell" and I walked out.

I couldn't believe we were going to part fighting like this. She had deceived me in the way she handled the whole Israel thing, and I was right on the issues I presented to her in the text messages the day before, before they all escalated and exploded into a fight. ...then my phone rang, it was her!

Ready for some kind of normal discussion, she called me up screaming at me about what an asshole I was, and how wrong I was, etc. For the first time, I think ever in our marriage, I lost control. I screamed back at her like a maniac. She screamed at me like a maniac. I couldn't believe the person I had become at that moment, it seriously felt like I was channeling my dad fighting with my mom when I was a young child before they divorced. I mean, I was enraged, and so was she. She was crying for the second time ever in our marriage, but even so, I thought to myself, "damn, I didn't know she knew how to cry." Yes, that was an evil thought, but I was not in my proper state of mind.

I didn't back down by her crying, although I took note of its existence. But I felt that I had a real issue here. She deceived me and picked up and left the country all in a day's notice after talking about it for a number of months and not following up on it. I don't know if I was more upset that she was flip-flopping so much, that she made one decision and by changing it so quickly, I felt that I couldn't trust her, that throughout all this fight, she didn't make the effort to read my e-mail or my explanation that I spent hours writing and thinking about (by the way, she *did* read it, but she told me she skipped over most of it because she felt "none of it was relevant.") Not relevant. That is what the whole fight was about. I was telling her one thing, and she was hearing something completely different, ignoring me and making me feel invisible, insignificant, and unimportant, and it was me that would have to pick up the slack when she's gone and she didn't appreciate or consider it one bit.

In the midst of our screaming fight, I told her why I thought she deceived me, mentioning how she lowered the screen on the laptop so that I didn't see what she was doing. She asked me if I was an idiot, and told me that there was a glare in her eye and so she moved the laptop away from her so that she could see me since I sat down at her. The floor dropped out of my argument, but she kept hammering away at me. I told her that my reactions were fully appropriate given the circumstances as I saw them, and given the way I interpreted a number of events to conclude that she deceived me, I had a right to be upset.

I thought this was a weak argument, but misunderstanding the situation if she indeed had a "glare" in her eye -- have you EVER had that happen to you? I never have, but I'll take her at her word. All in all, as I described the other pieces of "evidence" why I thought she deceived me, she accused me of having a sick, dark, and twisted mind where I take everything and turn it into a criminal attack scheme. I couldn't defend myself because I didn't know whether she was wrong or not. I *do* have a sick, twisted, and dark mind, and I do see things from the "glass half empty, how can I figure out who drank it" point of view.

Anyway, I was exhausted and was tired of fighting, especially since I know I was thoroughly misunderstood -- hey, I was just commenting that it would be nice if she spent some time on me rather than herself, and this whole fight erupted.

...then she started the "I'm not going. I'm canceling my trip. I don't feel safe leaving my kids with a monster like you" talk. I was thoroughly horrified, and saddened, because that is what people say before they get divorced. I was hurt and belittled, and I was weak inside and wanted to throw up. How could she say I was a monster and that she didn't trust our kids with me? What, as if I would hurt my own children? was she KIDDING?!?

In my mind, she really was no longer seeing me -- just some monster she painted in her eyes. Even today I am very upset about this statement, even though she turned it around later and said, "I meant that I couldn't leave the kids period, with you, without you. The focus was me, and what a bad mother I would be for leaving the kids for five days." I decided not to get upset about this, but days later, I am still hurt because she DID use those words.

Anyway, so here she is not going to Israel, and it would be my fault. I called her some hours later and convinced her to go. I told her everything would be fine here, and that my mother would take care of the kids while she was gone. I told her I would take off from work and pick my mom up at JFK and arrange everything. She should just pack and go because she should go see her grandmother. When I saw she was hesitating because she didn't want to give in to me, I told her that she wasn't giving in to me by going. We still had a fight to have when she got back, but I wasn't angry at her and the fight had nothing to do with Israel, in fact at this point the fight seems pointless and I'm not sure I even want to bring it up again until we're healthier like I thought we were.

So she went. We've spoken a few times, but she's irritated. She hasn't said a word to me other than she saw her grandmother and she wasn't doing well. I'm sure we're fine, but I am on edge, and I'm sad we had such a fight over really nothing.

Bottom line, I completely regret sending her those text messages, and in fact, I wish I left the phone at home that day. I don't think my points were invalid, I just lost my cool and I'm not convinced it was entirely my fault. I am an asshole as she described me, and I am a twisted, dark, pig-headed moron, especially after I misjudged so much of what happened.

But all in all, I'm confused how we can go from so loving and in such good shape to this with just a few text messages. What kind of anger has she been harboring for me and me for her? I'm really saddened by this whole course of events, and I wish I could just turn back the clock. But undoubtedly, there ARE some SERIOUS issues that need marital counseling, and both you and I are not kidding.

We just have to find someone we trust, and we need to figure out a way not to go broke or get divorced while going through the sessions.

-Zoe

Letter to wife [over TXT MESSAGE FIGHT] who is leaving to Israel tomorrow to visit dying grandmother.

2010-10-06T02:11:00.000-04:00

Dear wife,

Okay, so you wanted me to read the text messages so you can show me what an unstable asshole I really am. Really you are mistaken, and I feel that each and every text comment is justified by more than one significant event. I am really sorry that my words hurt you, but you misconstrued so much about what I said, and contributed to the conflagration of words that were shared.

Upfront, I am terribly sorry I hurt you. I was unaware that my words would affect you the way they did, I was unaware of how you were feeling about your trip [partly because you neglected to share your feelings with me yet again and YES, it seemed to me like you were the little sister that wanted to be and to have what your big brother and sister had and you were childish in feeling that it was unfair that your parents were not giving you what the others got. I really didn't get any concern from you about your feelings about this trip when you spoke about it, and it seemed like it was a "thing you should do" rather than something you were moved to do. I know how horrifying this may seem, but this IS the picture you were giving out and don't tell me I wasn't paying attention to you or what you said. This WAS the message you were giving off.]

On top of that, yesterday when I came home, I saw that you were on airline websites and you actively tried to deceive me and hide what you were doing from me. I saw what you were doing, and I saw how you lowered the laptop screen as soon as I noticed what you were looking at. When I asked you about it and how we would pay for it, you jokingly said with a chuckle, "oh, I figured we would figure out a way to pay for it." This enraged me, especially knowing our financial picture and our previous discussions of how you acknowledged that going to Israel would destabilize us financially and we would be paying it back for months and months.

I walked over to the kitchen and thought to myself, "you think your friend is destructive?" "YOU are destructive to our lives, our happiness, and to our livelihood." In my head, I went through all of the huge big-ticket items we have paid for you, including the exercise bug that you enthusiastically paid for when we had nothing in our bank accounts, but you promised you would use it every day. But you lied. Just like you said you would get a job, just like you said you would get me slippers for our anniversary (which you not only forgot, but you never got a gift and you neglected to make time for us to go out after my begging you to go out countless times), and just like you said you would help me as my "project manager" in my law firm and you would cheerfully run errands and do tasks for me that needed to be done, only to back out and complain any time I gave you anything to do. In short, you lied, you lied again, and you lied again. It it thoroughly important for me in terms of my value hierarchy that I am able to trust you and I keep finding over and over again that you say you will do one thing and then you do another. It hurts me deeply that I cannot trust your word and this newly renewed desire to visit Israel just because your brother did just seemed to be childish, especially at our family's expense. However, I said nothing. I smiled, and I kept this to myself.

This morning when you told me that you conveniently found tickets to Israel and that you were leaving tomorrow morning, and that my mom who is flying in will just have to figure it out for herself [this after you joking that you wanted to disappear for a few days while she was here] really hurt my feelings. I was minimally upset that I would have to take off work to pick up my mom and this would cut into work hours we simply do not have the ability to take away from [we are barely making it financially if I max out the hours and here you were asking me to take a number of hours off from work to pick my mom up because you decided to flee the country]... I was upset when you didn't think about anything except for yourself, and you didn't concern yourself with how my mom was to be picked up, or how this will change my work schedule now that I'll have to spend more time home with the kids since I can't leave my mom there all day and night alone in the house with two needy children. It made me mad when you said you hadn't thought about any of this, but instead of sharing that I was upset with you, I kept my mouth shut and you took that to mean that I was busy. I successfully again avoided a fight.

Then I sent you the text message, "I am excited that you have been able to pull off this trip. Your determination is admirable." Consider that as if I was shooting a cannon across the bow of your ship. I was testing the waters and giving you a chance to explain yourself such as, "this was very important to me," or, "yes, I know this happened fast and I know it will be a destabilizing experience for everyone. Thank you for being there for me."

When I got none of this, I got angry. Thinking about how you have your crazes about going to nursing school, or whatever your craze is for the moment where you spend days searching out every detail of a program only to not follow through with it yet again, I got upset that you always get what you want and that it bothered me that you were not considerate of anyone around you. I thought of my mom and how she might not meet our youngest daughter, and I thought of the law firm, and how it would be so helpful if you took even the slightest amount of interest or effort in helping me get started just like you spend your attention and your energies getting something you really want. It hurts me how everything you want is always at the cost of someone else, and that you don't consider other people when making decisions. You didn't even ask me this morning if I would be okay with it. You told me, "I found tickets and I am leaving tomorrow." In other words, again, I'm doing what I want to do because I want to do it and I do not care how it affects you, our kids, or anyone around me. I'm just doing what I want to do. This upset me and thus I wrote the comment, "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us."

When you responded with "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?", I was upset that you completely misunderstood what I was saying. Deciding YET AGAIN to avoid a fight, I responded, "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it. Just wish u'd get me outta here."

In other words, I was sharing how I was feeling and was looking for some kind of recognition that if only you would spend a fraction of the effort you spend on things for yourself on me or on us, imagine what we could get done together.

...at that point, instead of reading or thinking about what I was saying, you decided to start a fight. "seriously? that seems to be a disgusting attitude. I wonder what you would be saying if this was Rivkah [my grandmother] dying?" That was not a nice thing to say, and I wasn't having a disgusting attitude. In fact, if anything, I was still being completely supportive and was just pointing out [albeit with terrible timing] that it would be nice if you spent some time on us rather than on your own pursuits [and yes, going to Israel yet again seemed to be a meritless pursuit. Your mom suggested that you call your grandmother, talk to her for a few weeks, and only then decide whether you wanted to go to Israel or not. I heard of ONLY ONE CALL you made to her, and as far as I understood, you lost interest in the pursuit, just like you do with everything else. You only started talking about Israel again when your sister went and you felt left out.]

Seeing that you were clearly misunderstanding me, and that this had nothing to do with you visiting your dying grandmother, I responded very clearly sharing with you my thoughts. Quite upset at this point, I said, "The speed @which u pulled 2gether this trip has made me so angry I dont think I can even look @u." "You are obviously an idiot if you think I am talking about your grandma."

It wasn't until a few messages later that I realized you were needing support because this trip was somehow affecting you emotionally. You didn't let that on at all in our conversations and in our previous conversations. I explained myself and why I was texting, and you responded, "i dont care about why you are upset. I am going to say good bye to my dying grandmother."

At that point, seeing that you still did not even pay one iota of attention to anything I said, I wrote, "You are a fake. You are selfish. You are insensitive and uncommitted. You are lazy. You are a liar." I carefully chose each of these statements because I *am* feeling these things about you. Seeing that these things hurt you, I won't go into them.

So now it is almost 1am, and I am going to sleep not knowing anything about what is happening tomorrow, or whether you made some sort of arrangement with my mom who will be arriving shortly before your departure. I bought you medicine and I scored a significant client for the law firm, but I have nobody to share either with and you have acknowledged neither. This whole ordeal has left us not speaking, and that makes me sad as well, especially since all I wanted to say is:

"It is baffling to me that when you get an idea or a desire in your head, you take action on it so fanatically that it always comes to fruition, regardless of how it happens, you make it happen. I just wish you put the same effort into our life and our goals instead of the things you do put your time into. I am in a dead-end position where I have no internet, no telephone, and no freedom to advance our situation. Only you can help me help us move forward, and it bothers me that you don't make the effort to do so, but instead you only follow your own pursuits as if you and I had different goals. This hurts me deeply."

So I hope you enjoy your trip to Israel. I know it is not a vacation. I will be here if you need someone to talk to, but I suspect you'll hang onto your anger for some time. I'm here when you want to talk.

-Zoe

Follow-up to text message fight with wife.

2010-10-06T01:14:00.001-04:00

Tonight after I got home, she wasn't speaking to me. I had an appointment with a client, and so when she overheard that I will be going over to his house at 8:30pm, she texted me from the next room, "I need you to pick up medicine for my flight tomorrow!! I thought you had a phone appointment."

On my way over to the client, I picked up the medicine. When I got home, I read Ahuva's response to my previous post and decided to apologize to her. I said, "I'm sorry for the things I said. They were hurtful, they were rude, and they were uncalled for." She said that I was borderline mentally disturbed, and she called me a pig-something asshole, and then went off on how I am so rude to focus only on myself when all she's done for me is play "poor Zoe" these past few days. Practically in tears, she screamed, "I am visiting my dying grandmother! I am not going to Israel on a vacation. Do you think I want to leave my kids for FIVE days? I'm going to say goodbye you asshole! And all you can think of is yourself... I can never forgive you for this..." I said, "okay, don't forgive me then." "I won't, I promise you," she said.

I really didn't defend myself at all tonight. As I figured initially from the text messages, she completely misunderstood what I was saying, and when I elevated the conversation to be more direct, she got further insulted. In the end, I don't think she has a clue as to what I was saying. I do understand her, however, and I feel bad that she was hurt today. However there is that part of me (most of me) which with every fiber of my being says that I am unhappy with the way she treats me as a husband and in a relationship; I am unhappy with the promises she has made and has broken so many times over, as I hold her to her word when she says she will do something; and I am unhappy with the unbalance that is between us -- me killing myself to support us and her living in comfort with the kids in daycare and her going out with her friends as if I am making six figures. So many wives complain that their husbands just sit around and don't help out. While my wife does do some cooking and cleaning, and she does take care of the kids, as for me and us, I feel like she does nothing to further our relationship or our future and she denies the dire financial situation we are in.

So now instead of relaxing, it is after 12am, and I have secured a client that I have been working on for months now. I am very honored that she has decided to go with me; I will be writing her patent. I came home tonight with a check and a signed contract. I was smiling and very excited, but my wife was nowhere to be found. When I peeped in the bedroom, she was asleep and not speaking to me, so I left the check on the table for her to see when she woke up. She said nothing.

So what am I going to do now that it is after 12am? Before she went to sleep, she shoved her laptop at me and said, "look at the text messages you wrote, and then you'll know why I am angry at you." I printed up the text messages in the last message in the order in which the texts happened, and now I'm going to write her a letter explaining [not defending] myself. I'll send it to her so she can read it once she arrives in Israel.

Fight with wife over SMS TEXT MESSAGES.

2010-10-06T00:59:00.001-04:00

Okay, so again, I am the asshole. I am the mean, pig-headed jerk who wronged my wife in her weak moments as she was planning to visit her dying grandmother. Now she is not speaking to me. Here are the texts as they actually happened.

[Spaces indicate that a pause of time has occurred, and the double-texts actually were sent to me that way -- her computer has a bug that sends double postings. It happens on her facebook account as well.]

1:05PM ME: "I am excited that you have been able to pull off this trip. Your determination is admirable."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
1:26PM ME: "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

HER: "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?"
HER: "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?"
1:55PM ME: "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it. Just wish u'd get me outta here."

HER: "seriously? that seems to be a disgusting attitude. I wonder what you would be saying if this was Rivkah dying?"
2:02PM ME: "Didn't get your last message. It was the same as the one before it."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
3:23PM ME: "The speed @which u pulled 2gether this trip has made me so angry I dont think I can even look @u."
HER: "now you are making me sick!!!!! absolutely disgusting how you are able to twist everything and make it so ugly."
4:42PM ME: "If that is your response then you are selfish and blind to things around you."
HER: "now you are making me sick!!!!! absolutely disgusting how you are able to twist everything and make it so ugly."
4:44PM ME: "You are obviously an idiot if you think I am talking about your grandma."
4:47PM ME: "You are an inconsiderate selfish person who is out of touch with the concept of us."
4:48PM ME: "And stop sending me DOUBLE MESSAGES. USE A COMPUTER WITHOUT A VIRUS."

HER: "i dont care about why you are upset. I am going to say good bye to my dying grandmother"
4:59PM ME: "I think I have a right 2 b hurt esp. since you still have no idea why Im upset despite my txts."
HER: "and you are making me do it alone! I need a supportive, kind husband, not a poor me lets talk aboutwhyiam sad"
5:03PM ME: "I Havent seen anything Youve been writing. You keep sending the same f'd up message over and over."
HER: "and you are making me do it alone! I need a supportive, kind husband, not a poor me lets talk aboutwhyiam sad"
5:07PM ME: "Moron."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

5:19PM ME: "You are a fake. You are selfish. You are insensitive and uncommitted. You are lazy. You are a liar."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

5:32PM ME: "I am tired of you taking me for granted. I am tired of being the only one in our relationship."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
HER: "I will not be talking to you until you apologize to me. If you need help understanding why, i have your texts."

Okay, so I obviously made things much worse than they needed to be.

-Zoe

Selfish, Selfish, SELFISH!

2010-10-05T16:09:00.001-04:00

I'm happy for my wife, yet I'm crying inside. My wife dropped the idea of visiting her dying grandmother in Israel since my post a number of months ago, but now that her sister and dad just went, she wants to go too. She does not realize that her sister is married and has a house, no school loans or daycare costs, AND a full-time job where she makes close to $50K/yr, and her sister's husband is in advertising and makes close to $80/yr with full benefits. We are barely making ends meet on my temporary document review salary which is less than $50K if we're lucky. I think it is selfish for her to think that we can afford it.

So last night I see her visiting airline sites -- kayak.com, delta.com, etc. When I was in view of the computer, she lowered the laptop screen so I wouldn't see what she was doing, but I noticed. Then she told me she was looking for tickets. When I asked her how she would pay, she said, "I was thinking that we'd figure something out." By the way, our financial picture is SO DIM that we cannot even pay this month's coming rent or our credit card bills. This is the second month in a row this has been the case. I smiled and walked away deciding not to make a fight over it and hoping again that she drops the whole idea of going because we simply cannot afford it.

This morning she calls me all excited telling me that her parents have agreed to pay for her ticket to Israel, and that she would be leaving to Israel tomorrow morning. My mom consequently has tickets to come visit for a week to see our new baby (which will now be going on the plane with my wife the entire time she is in Israel); she will be arriving tomorrow. (Now I will have to take off work to pick her up or have her take a taxi to an empty apartment which is disrespectful.) Initially, the plan was that my mom was coming to help out, but then when she dropped the idea of going to Israel some months ago, my mom booked tickets anyway to make it a vacation. Now my mom is forced to play babysitter again for a week, and I don't think it is fair to have asked her this again after the changed expectations.

So I got off the phone with her without voicing any disagreements or fights, but I was roaring with flames inside. I sent her text message #1, "I find it admirable that you are able to pull off this trip" followed around 20 minutes later with text message #2, "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us." She responds, "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?" Horrified that she completely and obliviously misunderstood me, I decided not to start a fight, so I replied, "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it. Just wish u'd get me outta here."

In other words, this whole Israel trip thing again sparked my flaming frustration in that my wife only does what is good for her or for the kids. When it comes to doing good for me, she does the absolute minimum. This is not the same with me; I treat her well and give her everything she needs -- financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I also spend time being a good father and a good husband when it comes to the kids and the household chores.

It just makes me so angry and so sad that here I am, stuck in this G-d foresaken document review project which pays net in the low $20's per hour without any benefits, where all internet is completely blocked and where there is nothing for us to do except sit at our computers and work all day and night. We are forced to take an unpaid lunch break, which kills an hour of each day. I can't search the web for better jobs. I can't move forward to grow my law practice. I can't make or answer phone calls with clients because there is almost no privacy. I cannot even goof off and surf the web (not like I would). But here is my wife, at home with two of our kids in daycare each day, at home with our 9-month old who is now crawling. She does whatever minimum housework she feels like, and whatever else she wants to do, she does. Sometimes it is laundry, other times it is an outing with one of her friends. Sometimes she cooks. I feel like she has no responsibilities other than as a mother and I am furious that she is not helping me get out of this terrible situation that I am in. I am doing the lawyerly equivalent of flipping burgers at Burger King and I cannot get out of this hellhole of a vacuum of a document review project, and I could use just a little bit of help from someone to give me a lifeline so that I can properly get some footing financially and start my practice.

I feel that she should get a job to help at least save up for us to pay for healthcare or to help me start my law firm or to ease my burdens in supporting our family at $23/hour. She used to offer that she would help me with the law firm, but she has done almost NOTHING I have asked her to do. Every time I ask her to do anything, it is a burden and she complains and moans about how much of her free time during the day it will take away from her if she has to do the task I asked her to do. Then when I tell her again exactly what I need her to do and she agrees to do it, she still doesn't do it.

I set up a law firm e-mail for her weeks ago and I gave her a number of things to do, but she hasn't even logged into her e-mail once! She pretends to have an interest in my law firm and working for it every time I tell her to get a job, but then she never does anything when I ask her to do it. She takes ABSOLUTELY NO INITIATIVE in moving it or us forward.

I am so frustrated, and I feel as if as selfish as I am, I got what I deserved in a wife.

Hell, how do I file a law suit? Status on life.

2010-09-16T19:57:00.000-04:00

I wanted to take a moment and reflect on where I am in life. I have started receiving so many phone calls about mortgage foreclosure and bankruptcy, an area that I have spent the past few months learning about.

All in all, I believe I am ready to get started accepting clients, but my only question is... How the hell do I file a lawsuit, how do I know what kind of cause of action I should use, how do I file for an injunction, and what kind of pleadings do I use?

You would think that an attorney would know how to do such things, but believe it or not, we were never taught actual practice of law in law school.

I spoke to a bankruptcy attorney [also on the document review project]; he called doing the work we do "contract work," and he referred to it as a disease. He has his own practice (just as I am starting my own), but he said that when he doesn't have clients, to bankroll his practice, he does contract work to pay the bills and keep the lights on.

I have a slightly different idea. My wife and I are looking for some loan source so that I can start working full time right away. Hitting the ground running at full speed is more likely in my opinion to yield results than dipping my toe in here and there. The problem is that I don't see contract work as a disease; I see it as bitter-sweet shackles which stops me from getting started or succeeding in starting a firm. It does pay the bills (most of the time, except these past few weeks where we almost couldn't pay the rent, and we even fought over this during an overly insensitive moment I had a few days back), but it absolutely KILLS all my time.

On another note, my COBRA health insurance runs out next month, and my wife and I do not have any alternative. Paying for a plan seems so expensive and Obamacare is at least a few years out (and it will probably be legislated out of existence come November anyway). We applied for the State's health welfare program, but we make too much money and were denied. My wife and I have joked about how to get on medicare (think child #4), but the kids and me would still not be covered. We will reapply for the State's health insurance program as soon as I lose my COBRA. The reason we were denied was because they were all covered under my current plan which is still in effect until the end of November.

-Zoe

Starbucks employee, "You're allergic to metal spoons?"

2010-09-16T19:43:00.001-04:00

Okay so I'm at the same Starbucks as I was last time, and I ordered my usual Venti coffee topped off with a bit of cold soy milk (parve, obviously). This time, however, the woman behind the counter takes a LARGE METAL SPOON, sticks it into my coffee, and asks me something.

I didn't hear what she said because in my mind all I heard were the "wahkwahwah" sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher used to sound like. I couldn't believe for me, that my coffee just achieved the equivalent status of Burger King. Obviously it was kosher still [for someone who does not keep Cholov Yisroel], but that spoon was almost CERTAINLY considered dairy (or worse, traif), and my coffee was very hot.

So I apologized and told her that due to my very strict dietary restrictions, I cannot have any metal spoons in my coffee. I know I phrased it weird, but I wasn't about to explain kashrus to a teenage Starbucks employee. She understood me as saying that I had some allergic reactions to metal. I held back a chuckle, and then commented that it was that way with me and dairy as well, so not to worry.

So for the past few minutes, I've been hearing her whisper to her co-worker that "I've never heard of anyone having an allergy to metal spoons!"

Later, she asked me if I can put a wooden spoon in the coffee for her to stir it for me. Seeing that she had an unused wooden [stick] stirrer in her hands, I told her that would be fine.

We live in a silly silly world. :)

-Zoe

Wife inappropriately interferes with my law firm's business decisions.

2010-09-15T01:42:00.003-04:00

I am a little bit upset. A few days ago, a woman from our community was in an accident while driving on Kings Highway. A car coming from the other direction made a left turn going full speed, and she hit the car head on.

I was a few minutes late to work (like 45mins late) because I was writing a letter to my document review project regarding federal holiday pay, and so I arrived on the scene just a few minutes after the accident.

Both the woman's front airbags were deployed, and the woman's arm was pretty badly beat up. I asked her if she needed any help or if she needed me to call anybody on her behalf (e.g., police, ambulance, family), and she instructed me who to call. People were on their way to help her and give her a ride home. After making the calls, it appeared as if I was no longer needed, and so I told her I'll be heading off since I was late to work. She was on the phone, so she nodded me goodbye, and I left.

Driving a few blocks, I saw police cars with lights and sirens rush to the accident scene. It was at that moment that I remembered that I was a New York attorney, and so I realized how stupid I was, and that it would be to her benefit to have an attorney advise her and make sure she didn't make any admissions or offers to pay medical bills, etc., which may hurt her financially in the end.

I turned around, and told her not to admit guilt, and not to say a word to the other side (in other words, be polite, but don't offer anything to be nice) unless the police ask you for information. It took her a few seconds before she remembered that I was an attorney, and she was very thankful that I stuck around until the cars were towed and it was time for her to go home. While the incident was still immediate in my mind, I drew a sketch of where the cars were positioned, and where each suffered damage. Her ride drove her home, and I lost an hour of work, but I did a mitzvah of helping her out in what must have been a scary situation.

For a few minutes, it bothered me that her arm was pretty banged up and that with the deployed airbags, she might have suffered head or neck trauma, so I left a message for her to go see a doctor as soon as she can just in case she suffered any injuries which might not be immediately apparent to her. She called me back, asked me a few questions, and thanked me for following up with her; she told me she was going to see a doctor that day because she has been experiencing neck pains and headaches from the accident.

I felt pretty good that I was able to help her out, although in the end I came to work almost two hours late because of it. My wife wasn't thrilled with the story either; she didn't seem to be so excited that I helped this woman out.

Tonight, having promised to bring the sketch I made over to her (but knowing that I'll be busy for the next few days), I decided to write her the e-mail I pasted below. I've taken CLE classes in EXACTLY THIS SORT OF TOPIC (car accidents, personal injury, and insurance claims) and so I wanted to share what I knew and to help her out because I didn't know this sort of thing and it would have been nice for someone to have explained it to me should I have gotten into an accident prior to becoming a lawyer and learning what needs to be done. Here's the e-mail:

Dear Bayla,

Please let me know if there is anything you need from me. I'll get you the sketch I made; it's no rush -- it wouldn't even be relevant unless there was a lawsuit.

At this point you should be getting a copy of the accident report from the police and learning about what kind of insurance the people with whom you were in an accident carry. You should also be taking care of your own health, and working with your insurance company to have your car repaired / replaced. If the people with whom you had the accident don't have any insurance (chos v'sholom), chances are that your plan has you covered for uninsured motorist (among other forms from which you can probably collect immediately; it is not a lot of money, but insurance companies are quick to pay it. To collect, it usually requires you to simply fill out one of the insurance company's forms).

One last thing. While your insurance company probably is your friend, you still need to be careful even with them. Before signing any settlement forms with your insurance company, read what you are signing, or have an attorney take a look at it to see what rights you may be waiving. You should also dig up or print out a copy of your policy to see what and how you are covered under your plan.

Also, while you do not need to make this decision right away, it might be a good idea to start thinking about whether it makes sense for you to sue to recoup some of the money you have lost in damages and injury from the accident. They might be contemplating the same thing, and while there is no rule about this, it's probably better not to be on the defensive. You would be seeking the maximum their insurance company policy covers.

G'mar chasima tovah,
Zoe

When I read the letter to my wife, she practically flipped out and forbade me from sending it. She insisted that every normal person on the face of the earth knows this sort of thing, and that I'm being pushy and budding my way into her business and making us look like we are poor and looking for business when really I was trying to give her comfort knowing exactly what needs to be done. And, I had no intention of charging her; I was hoping that by doing a good deed, she would, in turn, tell others how I helped her and thus I can get referral business that way.

But no. My wife absolutely thinks I'm an idiot for writing such a letter, and she told me she would be very upset if I sent it. She then told me that it's not tznius for a man to write such a letter to a woman, and that this woman would ask what I want from her from writing such a letter. --Is she kidding? I am a lawyer! I was at the scene of the accident! This woman is from our community and needed help! If I don't follow up with her I'll look like I don't care and it will do nobody any good -- not me, not her, not the future of the law firm.

So for whatever reason my wife had (and now I'm pissed at her for interfering into my business efforts and holding me back from doing what I feel would be the proper thing to do from a law firm perspective), I decided to listen to her, and I wrote her a "I hope you're feeling better; let me know if you need anything" e-mail which in my opinion is a billion times worse than the letter I wrote because this short version looks like I am holding back information and begging for business.

2010-09-13T20:34:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here in the city at a Starbucks with my laptop open, and some guy is making phone calls. When he said his name, I typed it into Google, and found him. He's a neurosurgeon. When he walked by, I said, "take care, Doc."

Rosh Hashanna, 5771. Hopefully a better and more STABLE year than 5770 was.

2010-09-13T19:09:00.001-04:00

I should start each blog entry with "AUIHBAWSIW," (as usual, it has been a while since I've written,) since each time I write, it is usually after a long time. I guess this blog is one of those sucky ones where you wait for days thinking you're going to get content, and then.. NOTHING. Sucks, I know. I am sorry, please forgive me.

Really, this is one of those boring parts of life where nothing is new. My wife and I are getting along, the Jewish holidays are here, and I'm working hard and being very aware of my sins and my transgressions, hoping G-d overlooks them and somehow finds the divine mercy to overlook them. If I were him though, I wouldn't. So here goes another f'cked up year.

I wrote the Lubavicher Rebbe a long P"N (pidyon nefesh, or pouring out of the soul) right before Rosh Hashanna. My Rabbi, mashpia, and friend told me always to be careful what you write, and to describe your sorrows and your sins, and not to list the unnecessary details, because writing a letter to the Rebbe is not confession. It's approaching a tzaddik (now nifter, or no longer confined to a body on this Earth just as my beloved Grandmother is no longer alive either) with respect, with humility, and as one of his Chassidim, asking for his blessings for a good year. Can you imagine if someone walked over to the Rebbe and said, "Rebbe, I had lascivious thoughts which I couldn't control and I killed my neighbor's dog." Well, I don't think he would reply with a smile in the least bit. Anyway, that was the kind of Pidyon Nefesh I wrote. It was immodest, brazen, and I shouldn't have sent it.

So what have I accomplished this year? What have I gone through? Well, in Rosh Hashanna 5769 (September, 2008), G-d decreed that I continue to work hard to save up a number of months worth of salary and get laid off from my job so that my wife and I can move our family to New York to be near her family. We spent most of our savings on moving expenses and living without a salary. This past Rosh Hashanna 5770 (last September, 2009), G-d decreed that we live in poverty, albeit with large injections of cash literally days each time we were about to run out almost as if we needed to learn to trust that it is G-d who provides our income and our livelihood, not our own hard work. Literally days before we could no longer pay rent or afford to buy food, Hashem rescued us. The first one paid very well, but only lasted from October until December. We were incomeless and during that time, I took the Barbri Bar Review in preparation for the Feb. 2010 NY bar exam which I passed. After the exam, from February until June, Hashem helped us survive by allowing me to win an unemploymnet dispute where I was awarded close to $7,000 in back pay. Then in June, I got the document review position I am currently working at (which pays bubkis), but it pays the bills. I started my own law firm, but have had only one client in a few months because I had to turn away all other clients because taking them would have required me to leave my stable document review position. I am cool with doing this, but I see parnossa (earning a livelihood) as a monkey does, swinging from one tree vine to the next. It ABSOLUTELY MAKES NO SENSE to jump to the next vine if one is not there. In other words, my mashpia and close friends have told me not to leave what I have unless I have something equally as good or better to move onto. Here, it would be stupid to quit my document review project (and get blackballed from working with them again) and take one case which will pay a few hundred dollars not knowing if there is a case after that one.

So now we're in the year 5761, and I wonder what G-d has in store. I thought this year was a pretty shitty year until I just wrote it out for you and it seems as if I did quite well. However, I must point out that most of the year, we were LITERALLY not making ends meet. Most of the year was going from one miracle to the next, just to survive. I acknowledge that.

What I would like is to have this year be a stable year where I get a few good paying clients who keep me happily busy working in my own patent firm, and while I'm working on those clients, I would work my butt off also searching for new business, and so on. I've also been spending each day learning about foreclosure, bankruptcy, and my pet area of law, patent litigation. If I can get enough clients to give me the comfort that I would get through the year unscathed, I would leave the document review project in a moments notice and would attend minyan every day and would do whatever I can to succeed. I just need that comfort in knowing that something would be there as soon as I left the project. Right now I have no clients and so it would be scary and very stupid to jump before I had something tangible to rely on in leaving the project.

My soul calls out to G-d and says, "I want to believe in you! Please help me start my law firm and get clients quickly so that I can properly service them full time and support my family with ease!"

Okay, this has been fun. I need to get back to the reading I promised myself I would do before I went home for the evening.

G'mar chasima tova.

The salt... criticism?

2010-07-29T19:13:00.000-04:00

The end of the story is that today, my wife confronted me after countless conversations on this topic that she feels that she is giving 100% and that I am being overly critical by telling her when something bothers me.

The most recent mini fight in which she flew off a handle was the salt. I picked it up while preparing lunch in the morning before I ran off to my document review project, and it was slimy from the night before when she cooked the kids matzoh brei, a dish the kids LOVE.

I didn't think much about it, except that we have been married for four years and this has never happened, but I've asked her a few times to wash off the dish soap after she uses it (and the honey for that matter) so that the dish soap isn't all slimy when I pick it up to wash out the blender after using it each morning. I just don't like sticky stuff. I certainly wasn't angry. I just didn't want a new habit being formed, and so I told her about it conversationally since she was standing next to me when the salt bottle slipped out of my hand. She started yelling that I'm too critical, and that I don't think she's a good wife, and that I always have to criticize her about everything she does wrong. I thought she was nuts because I certainly do not criticize her about everything -- moments before that, when I opened the fridge, the soy milk flew out and spilled on the floor because she stuffed it into the fridge on top of a pot of leftovers rather than putting it in its place which is on the refrigerator door. This annoyed me because it has happened before and I've mentioned it to her to be more careful about it and it happened again. However, with a quick swipe of a paper towel, the problem went away so I didn't say anything.

To skip ahead a bit, we've been fighting these past few days, and recently, she's been trying to be mean to me to hurt my feelings which hurt my feelings because I've never done anything to her to intentionally hurt her, ever, and here she's actively trying to hurt me.

Today she wanted me to take an extra hour off of work so that I can accompany her to the passport agency. Yes, it's her newest necessity to visit her Safta in Israel who is ill. No biggie. Anyway, in the car, she started screaming at me that she is going to cause me the pain that I've been causing her, and that "you'll see what it feels like to have someone criticize you when you're already giving 100%." As an example, she brought up the salt. I told her that I wasn't criticizing her, and that most of the things that bother me, I let them slide and I don't say anything because I don't want to start a fight. But when something is important, I say it. I told her that when I say something, it's not that I am criticizing her. There's a huge difference between telling someone that it would mean a lot to you if their behavior in a certain circumstance would be different, and telling someone that they are flawed because they neglected to do the behavior you asked them to do. In short, I told her that I didn't want her to leave the salt shaker oily and I wanted her to clean it up after herself. I wasn't saying she was a bad person or a sucky housewife because she left the salt shaker oily. Obviously this is not the case.

She then started persisting why did I even marry her if she is such a terrible person, and if she does so many of these things that upset me? I told her that had I known she did all these things, I may have considered them as factors in weighing whether I wanted to marry her, but its a little bit too late now, and one doesn't divorce his wife because she doesn't clean up after herself. I told her that we're married now and those are things I will have to live with if I cannot convince her to change them. She then went back into the "why do you want to change who I am?" conversation, when really I felt and still feel that asking someone to change a behavior (e.g., clean up after yourself) is not the same thing as changing who the person is.

We got to the post office, and it was closed. She neglected to check the hours it was open. I didn't dare say a word. [I had to work an hour extra today because of it, but I'm pretending that it was open and we accomplished our purpose in having me go along with her.]

Shalom Bayis Issues -- Maybe because my wife missed the candlelighting time for Shabbos.

2010-07-29T18:50:00.001-04:00

What a bad few days these past few days have been. There has been almost no Shalom Bayis.

The issue has been my desire and my NEED for my wife to appreciate that when she comes up with a new thousand-dollar expense which "must" be done because it is a necessary, she owes me a duty to be at least sympathetic towards my feelings of loss. Because while I've been saving up for something to further our family goals, she finds something that benefits *her* and thus we end up spending the money I saved up on her newest expense.

I usually don't disagree with her that her expense is not important, and I usually don't disagree with her or claim that it is not necessary. But for G-d's sake, at least have some understanding that I will be sad that the thirty or so evenings that I put in five or six hours each night staying late in order to save up to pay for some goal have been lost because she found a new way to spend the money we have just finished saving up. After all, I could have left at a regular time like everyone else and I could have come home at a normal hour, sat down by a television to watch whatever sports game is playing or play Nintendo Wii (we don't have a TV in the house or a Wii, by the way). But no, I spent all that time saving up, and now it is lost... again.

So we had a really difficult few days. For the first time in our marriage, my wife missed Shabbos candlelighting. For those of you frum women, you're probably gasping. I was horrified too. Its not like she forgot; she just waited until the last minute and then calculated the time wrong because I told her an hour earlier that shabbos was at 5:05pm rather than 5:03pm (I was looking at the wrong week).

The gravity of this error is that according to our customs (and I believe according to Jewish law), for the rest of our lives, my wife will need to add an additional candle each erev Shabbos (Friday night) to make up for the one time she forgot as she did last week.

Naturally I was a little upset and I was embarrassed on her behalf, but I made sure not to say anything. Her missing candle lighting (which is 18 minutes before Shabbos -- this is known and practiced by ALL JEWS, even those that are non-religious, non-observant, or reform) was the result of a long time fight of ours where I told her so many times that she is not allowed to wait until just before Shabbos to light candles. Men typically use the 18 minutes to Shower, vacuum, and drive to shul because they do not have the candle lighting commandment to worry about because their wives are lighting. My wife feels that she is also entitled to use the 18 minutes as she wishes. We've fought about this so many times, but she would not listen.

Anyway, to my credit, I didn't say anything. Not a critical word. She started blaming me that it was my fault she missed the candlelighting time because of my error, and I told her that I would gladly take the blame for this. Then she accused me about being so non-chalant and non-caring about this serious transgression. I told her I was taking it seriously, but I'm staying quiet. A few minutes later she was still going at it. When I came into the room to see if she needed any kind words to make her feel better (I came up with some explanation that the candle she would have to add is to bring light to the world for the light that the world was denied through our error), she again accused me of taking this lightly, as if I didn't care about it.

At that point, thinking that it would be to her consolation and that it would help her to feel better about the whole situation if I was harsh to her (because I was really in a kind mood at that moment), I answered her accusation that "I'm really shocked and horrified that this happened, and I heard you vacuuming minutes before Shabbos and I thought you were psycho for waiting until the last few minutes before Shabbos came in." To my surprise, this set her off on a rampage of screaming, the part of which that affected me was that she screamed that I am wrong for using the 18 minutes, and that she has just as much a right to use it as I do. This was an ignition of our old fight, and I told her emphatically that woman are not allowed to delay the lighting of the candles once the 18 minutes have come up. When she screamed something back to me, I told her she was crazy. At that point, she lost it and started screaming that I should leave and never come back, or something like that.

I was already dressed to go to shul, and I was happy to leave, but even with my key, I believed that she would lock me out (we have two locks on our door), and I wasn't in the mood to be banging on our door looking like the guy who was kicked out of his own home. It was also a very hot and humid evening, and I didn't want to spend it sleeping outside with the ants and the garbage in my shabbos clothes. So I decided that I didn't trust her not to lock me out and I didn't leave. A few seconds later, I decided again that if this is G-d's will, then I'll take the punishment. After all, it was because I came home late in the first place [because I was taking my time] that I accidentally read the wrong Shabbos time from the calendar after I got home.

My afternoon rant. Now the bad part... Wife rant.

2010-07-27T19:07:00.002-04:00

A little side issue that has been bugging me is that I feel as if my wife does not appreciate the time I've been spending working. A fight we had this morning was that I told her that she cannot treat my project as a stable job because likely any day, it will end. I also told her that when "shopping," there is nothing wrong with getting what is necessary, but if she spends money on something that is outside our budget, as a consequence of her momentary gain of pleasure by making the purchase, she is taking away from our long-term savings and my ability to provide for us. Our agreement upon starting the project was that until we have at least six months expenses and rent saved up, any extra money that I make needs to be saved so that I can start working full time on the law firm. So far I have ZERO saved since I've started this project.

I also told her that even if she spends money on expensive items outside our budget, she must understand that we need to earn (and I consequently need to work for) whatever she buys. The context of this was that we had a huge fight last week over her not being sensitive to my feelings of loss when I hesitated her taking a trip to Israel to visit her sick grandmother. Basically, she just assumed I would come up with the money or work to pay for the trip, and I was hurt that she did not acknowledge the many hours *I alone* would have to put in to finance that trip. I was also sad that she didn't even acknowledge that her trip would be a huge financial setback in our plans to save up to start the law firm. She didn't even consider that I was sad about this and it took a fight to get her to acknowledge this.

So on a smaller scale and as recent as this morning, when we took the kids to the zoo on Sunday and she wanted to buy a monkey doll with the zoo's logo, "just so that our child can remember the experience," I told her that I'd rather buy that same monkey doll at Wal*Mart for $10 rather than $30 at the gift shop. Later on as we were leaving, she disappeared and after taking a few minutes to find her, we found her purchasing the monkey doll from the gift shop. "There we go," I thought. "That will cost me around an extra hour of work sitting at my computer in the torturous and boring document review project." I agreed that it was a nice gift, but it wasn't until this morning that I told her that I was upset that she bought the doll after I told her not to. "I wasn't asking for your permission," she barked back. I told her that we are already barely making ends meet even with my project, and that the extra money she spent will force me to work extra time just to dig ourselves out of the hole that the extra $30 purchase. I told her that I wasn't upset about the purchase, but I was upset that she was disregarding the fact that someone (namely, me) will have to work and toil to pay for that extra purchase, and I thought it was insensitive to force me to be the one that has to cover it, especially after I told her that I didn't want her to buy it in the first place.

"Well I want to live a regular life, and regular people buy things," she said. I told her that we are not regular people; that Hashem has not given us a job, but only temporary income, and that we need to respect the money we are given and not waste it on frivolities. On top of that, I need to work to pay for everything she's buying, and I'm not in the mood to kill myself to pay for wasteful purchases that have no value. "Well I'm going to live a regular life," she said.

At that point I lost it. I asked her if she was crazy, and whether she understood that I am the one that needs to pay for everything she buys, and that she cannot live a regular life because we cannot afford to pay for the things she is purchasing. I also told her that I was upset that she didn't acknowledge or pay any sensitivity to the fact that I am the one that has to work to pay for all this, and that I'm not working to pay for a stupid doll!

At that point, I found myself on the verge of tears, and I couldn't hold back my shaky voice. I was about to start crying, so I walked away. I kissed my kids goodbye, and without saying good bye to my wife, once again I walked out of the house and left to my work.

It occurred to me that she was being sarcastic this morning, especially since we had an all-out fight on this very topic just before Shabbos. Although I wasn't sure. I texted her shortly afterwords, "Hi honey, apparently my phone does still have some battery life. I realized after I left that you were joking about" ...and then I left the rest of the e-mail blank because I couldn't think of a way to phrase it, and either way, I wasn't so sure she was joking. To my unsurprise, she didn't write me back.

I hate having this distance between us. I hate not liking her. It hurts every time I think of our fights. I wish she understood what was really going on. I wish she knew how her actions affected our family and our shalom bayis. I wish she was more sensitive to these issues. I'm sure I'll get a "what were you talking about, I always save money" comment from her in a few days when we finally resolve this.

I just wish we were operating from the same place. I wish we were a team, rather than me being the silent supporter of our affairs, obviously no pun intended.

My afternoon rant. First, the good part, sort of.

2010-07-27T19:03:00.002-04:00

Much has happened these past few weeks since I wrote that chippery and overly positive piece of garbage I call a plan of action. My document review project, which I accepted under the rationalization that I will utilize it to the best of my ability to maximize my ability to support my family while I pay the bills and start my law practice; well, let's just say that like so many things, it is not working out the way I planned. The initial plan was to get to work each day at 7am, put in 8 hours (the required minimum). Early afternoon, I would head off to a law library or to Starbucks to do legal research on how to practice the areas of law that I have chosen for myself and my practice.

That worked for a few days, until they ran out of documents for us to review and I was let go for a few days. Then I was called back for one or two days, and then let go again because again. It seems as if the people behind the document review project can't get their documents in order for us fifty attorneys to review them. In other words, they were overzealous in their hiring so many attorneys when really they only had the workload to keep just a few of us working.

Then a week or so they called me back again, this time for a different project for the same client. I worked my butt off to help them make their deadlines, often working well into the night. I practically killed myself (staying all hours into the evening, and even coming in on a Sunday all in one block of time) thinking that all these extra hours would really help us out financially. It was the financial boost I was looking for. Then came Tisha b'Av and I had to take off that day. I resumed the following day with the crazy hours and over the rest of the week I finished off the project. But, it turned out that with all the days the week before that I was out because they had no work for me (I was off half of the week the week before), plus the day I had to take off for Tisha b'Av, I averaged 40 hours for each of the two weeks -- in short, the minimum number of hours I would have worked had I just shown up each morning and left at 3:30pm to work on my law practice.

Wow was that a disappointment. On top of that, the project provides no benefits, no overtime, no soda or snacks (I really don't care about that, but it was something I noticed about the project right away), and in short, the guys next to me call the floor we work on a sweat shop.

So as of yesterday, I resolved to only work the minimum amount of hours and to resume the studying to start the law firm practice. I hope that soon I'll be able to move from studying about how to practice to generating clients and actually practicing law. The goal here is to get enough clients so that I can walk away from the document review project and start focusing full-time on my law practice.

Reader asks why I complain about money problems while I send my kids to daycare and offer my wife a maid.

2010-07-27T18:46:00.002-04:00

In moderating the blog's posts, I came across a reader who made the comment that it makes absolutely NO SENSE to have a STAY-AT-HOME MOM and yet send the kids to DAYCARE (a.k.a., "SCHOOL") while at the same time complaining about money. There was a maid comment in there somewhere also.

[The comment was a reply to my posting here.]

In short, I couldn't agree with you more. My wife has this crazy idea that she deserves to have the kids in childcare as soon as they're old enough to walk, and that she deserves a maid to help her with the housework. From a sympathetic point of view, I understand that with three kids under three-years-old, they could be a bit much to handle. But then again, why have them if you are not going to take care of them? I don't remember my parents shipping us off to daycare until at least Gan.

In my wife's defense, she does an amazing job taking care of them, and the reason we send them to daycare is because it really is too much for her to take care of all three at the same time. So far only our oldest (now three years old) is in daycare. In September, our oldest girl (almost two years old) will be starting daycare. The goal here is the selfish goal to give my wife some breathing room so that she can read her books and spend more time with the youngest one, who is now trying to learn to crawl.

Additionally, the benefit of school (a.k.a., "daycare") is to develop our childrens' social skills and to get them to interact with other children. Could she do this without me spending an arm and a leg on tuition this early on in our lives? Of course. Would she? Not a chance. She'd have regular play dates, but the truth is that if the kids are not at school, they'd be playing with their toys or watching Baby Einstein videos over and over again (by the way, no I don't recommend them). What I omitted to say is that above and beyond the social skills, the kids benefit from being immersed in a Jewish environment where they learn Torah and are taught things they likely would not learn through osmosis in our home. We obviously spend time with chinuch, but not for five hours a day. Plus, I'm not even around during most of the day because for now, I'm working.

Bottom line, I am not so upset the kids are in daycare. Really it is beyond my wife's interest level or emotional capacity to handle them full-time. When the kids are in daycare, my wife is human and is able to eek out a smile once in a while at the end of the day. I don't think my daughter needs to be in daycare, but she is ready to have friends to play with.

As for a maid or a sitter, we pay for one when we need one. So far my wife has been pretty good about this and has only invoked the sitter from time to time. She's been holding off on the maid for now.

This is the nicest answer I can answer at the moment. I'm a bit upset at her now as we speak.

Recap: Links showing what I was doing with all this goal setting, and why I shut down the blog for these past few weeks.

2010-07-05T17:53:00.000-04:00

Just in case you are wonder what in the world I've been doing today with all of these goal setting posts, please feel free to CLICK HERE to the "Goal Setting" post which explains everything I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Since I'm sure you know that for a short period of time, I put the blog on hold and made it "INVITE ONLY," allow me to explain. I actually just put a lock and a freeze on the blog because I wasn't sure whether I wanted to delete all old content or not. A lot of what I wrote is a liability to me as an attorney, and should I ever need to divulge this blog in a law suit or in a disciplinary proceeding, I believe that much of what I wrote may be damning to me and my reputation. Even though I have unlocked the blog and you can see this again, I am still unsure of what I should do with the old content. My first post this morning after unlocking the blog can be found by CLICKING HERE.

I welcome your comments, and I welcome your input. I will make the decision as to what to do with the old content in the coming days and weeks.

Warm regards,
Zoe Strickman

GOALSETTING: LAW PRACTICE ATTORNEY VISION

2010-07-05T17:46:00.000-04:00

• Vision: I am an attorney who has successfully set up my own law practice. I am disciplined; I work smart, and I focus my attention taking part in revenue-producing activities. I make my own hours, and I make it a priority to let Hashem fill my coffers with cash and abundance, and I focus on doing what I need to do to return my attention to my family, Torah, and Hashem. I *am* a dynamo. I am a patent litigator; a patent prosecutor; an engineer. I help people defend their homes against foreclosure, and I help them restructure their affairs through lawsuits or bankruptcy to allow them to have a fighting chance to get back on their feet so that they can life long, fruitful and meaningful lives. I love the patent litigation cases, and I pride myself in being a federal litigation attorney. I am an expert in federal procedure and I am an expert in the ins and outs of the areas of patent law, patent litigation, foreclosures, and bankruptcy law. I am the go-to guy when someone gets in trouble.

I have a multijurisdictional practice in both Texas, New York, Israel, and China, and I travel back and forth to each to monitor the attorneys who are part of my firm. I have monthly management team meetings, and I have advisers of all kinds at my meetings.

I started my practice immediately after I saved enough money working document review projects to have six months of salary to keep my family comfortable while I built my practice. I started off in my home office which was equipped with state-of-the-art and smart technology (smart doesn't mean expensive). I kept my files digital and electronic, and I had systems in place to handle all aspects of my practice.

Shortly after working a few cases, I built up enough savings to move into a shared office. I worked there and grew my practice, hiring a number of paralegals and an assistant to handle my caseload.

From there, I expanded my practice and hired one attorney in New York, and one attorney in Colorado to replace the work I was doing so that I can grow the law firm and focus on the good cases. I went on to grow the practice with more and more attorneys until I was a functioning law firm which operated independent of my efforts. I am financially independent, and I move into fringe areas of law which bring juice and excitement to my life and to the lives of those around me.

• Purpose: Working my own practice gives me the freedom to be the master of my own salary. The work I put in is commensurate with the benefits I reap. I am able to work on terms which allow me to prioritize religious holidays and family, and there are no bosses which I need to clash with to enforce my religious practices. I am able to be near home and to be a father and a husband, and I am able to work on cases which are exciting to me in the area of law I have chosen to practice.

• Roles: Attorney, Patent Attorney, Patent Litigation Attorney, Patent Protector, Patent Protector, Giver of the Home Shield, Protector of the home, Bankruptcy expert, Litigator, Friend of the people, enemy of the banks and of those who brake the law.

• 3 to Thrive: Learn areas of practice, Set up office & web presence, Work on client's files.

• Resources: CLE courses, other attorneys, state bar.

• Qtr Goals: Save up six months worth of expenses.

• 1yr Goals: Transition into 100% private law firm practice, cash positive, positive cash flow, steady flow of clients.

GOALSETTING: YIDDISHKEIT VISION

2010-07-05T17:17:00.002-04:00

• Vision: I am comfortable with my levels of chassidishkeit and observance, both when I am alone (and standing before Hashem) and in view of my community. I am a regular guy, and I do what every Jew should do. I have all of the activities that a Jew should do as a habit, and I take an enjoyment with being a Jew. I am comfortable with my relationship with Hashem, and I always strive to answer questions and to always deepen my understanding of Hashem, the spiritual and physical realms, life as we see it, and ourselves and our souls.

Every morning I wake up and say Modeh Ani, and I happily wash negelvasser which I prepared for myself and my family the night before. I say the morning berachos and daven Shachris. I make sure to stop each day before sundown and daven Mincha with a gartel and a hittel. I study torah each day, including Chitas, Rambam, and each week I have a set time where I learn chassidus, nigleh, and halacha. I take time each day to devote myself to teaching or reinforcing a law or concept to each of my children, and each evening, I daven maariv before attending to my evening activities, which sometimes includes Farbrengens, shiurim, or community events. I make sure to go to bed while I still have energy to prepare for the following morning and to say kerias shema al ha mita. I go to bed and review the events of the day, and I make note as to where I could have been stronger, and where I succeeded. I thank Hashem for giving me this day, and I go to bed to sleep and dream.

• Purpose: I am a Jew, I should act and be who I am. I have an obligation to Hashem and to all other Jews to be the person I was made to be. I have no right to let anyone down by affecting them spiritually through my lackings. By strengthening my observances, I bring berachos down to myself, my family, and to all around me and beyond. I sustain the world from destruction. I give others the ability to enjoy their lives in a world that is more friendly and kinder to its inhabitants.

I fear G-d, and I fear retribution and punishment for my inequities. I do not want to be punished physically or spiritually, and I fear the effects NOT doing everything I can can bring upon myself, my family, and my community.

I desire reward. I desire to be one of those who are helping out and who are doing what they should rather than being one throwing a monkey wrench into G-d's plan. I desire peace of mind and peace in my heart and soul. I want to know why Jews historically have kept their faith, and I want to contribute to the survival of my people and our covenant with Hashem.

I want spiritual knowledge of the unknown. I want to understand and grasp the concept of G-d so that what I learn can change me into the person I desire to become. I want to be able to feel when something is spiritually wrong and I want to be attracted to actions, events and activities which are spiritually uplifting and beneficial to me and my family.

• 3 to Thrive: Berachos in their proper time, Torah study in all its forms, Community Activities

• Resources: Rabbi, Community, Torah

• Qtr Goals: To daven 3x/day, berachos, kerias shema; negelvasser; Chitas & Rambam, set times for learning chassidus, nigleh with a Chevrusa; to make it a habit to spend time each day teaching my children.

• 1yr Goals: AGAIN:
NEGELVASSER IN THE MORNING
PRAYER -- MORNING BERACHOS, SHACHRIS, MINCHA, MARIV, BENCHING, KERIAT SHEMA.LEARNING TORAH -- CHITAS, CHASSIDUS, NIGLEH (CHEVRUSA), HALACHA
CHINUCH (CHILDREN'S EDUCATION)
COMMUNITY -- ATTENDING EVENTS, SHIURIM, FARBRENGENS
-AND-
TO GO TO THE OHEL ON 3 TAMMUZ.

2010-07-05T16:53:00.001-04:00

Wow, this goal setting thing is quite tiring. My brain is physically exhausted. I'm going to keep plugging and chugging along. Let's see how much of this I can bang out. -Zoe

GOALSETTING: FINANCIAL AUTOMATION VISION

2010-07-05T16:51:00.000-04:00

• Vision: I am financially independent. I have no need to worry about finances. The amount of money I bring in each month easily and effortlessly covers any expenses we may have. Our lifestyle is well within our earning capacity. We live comfortably; we take time to enjoy ourselves, and to provide for ourselves the environment to create meaningful experiences for ourselves and our children.

My bank accounts are filled with cash and our retirement accounts are funded. We have safety accounts and money set aside for any contingencies, and life events are planned for and funded before they occur.

Financial management is simply a matter of monitoring the automated systems that are already in place. Money comes in and goes out according to the plan we have set out, and money is spent according to our value. We use money to improve ourselves and our lives; we do not waste it on frivolities that will satisfy a momentary urge.

• Purpose: To feel the juice of life. To experience meaningful experiences. To create an environment and to place ourselves and our children in scenarios which teach them about Hashem, about family, about love, and about the value of life. To teach our children concepts so that they can be financially independent, and to be financially competent so that they will never have money worries and so they can life a life of peace of mind and peace of heart.

• 3 to Thrive: Automate income and expenses, set up monitors and tracking systems for when we are close to going beyond what we want to spend, create ways to enjoy the money we have to create meaningful experiences.

• Resources: Wife, Internet, Communication.

• Qtr Goals: To have enough capital saved up to start a working law practice that pays the bills.

• 1yr Goals: Have the law firm provide us with enough of an income to allow us to plan a vacation which will be meaningful to both my wife and my children.

GOALSETTING: CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS VISION

2010-07-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

• Vision: To my wife, I am the man of her dreams. I am strong, witty, loving, supportive, caring, and I make her feel like a woman. I help her reach her potential, and she helps me reach mine. We lean on each other, and we care about and think about each other regularly. My wife thanks G-d and me that I am in her life.

To my children: I am the roll model they need. I am strong, and they know without a doubt that I love them completely and infinitely. I support them and show them by example of who I am the kind of people they want to be. They aspire to follow on Hashem's path, and I am a roll model to help them achieve this goal. I take time to teach them and to play with them and to challenge them to grow and expand their minds, their hearts, and their souls to be the best they can be and to live their lives according to the principal of CANI (constant and never ending improvement).

To my parents: I am the son they never thought they could have. I show them that in spite of a parent's failures, children can and do correct their paths. I inspire them and I show them that living the path of Hashem IS the correct path, and that a life with compromises leads to grief. I show them that they are loved, and I make them desire to be better people.

To my brother: I am an endless source of love and compassion. I forgive when others would burn bridges. I am kind and sharing.

To my in-laws: I am the father of their grandchildren. I am a part of their family. I am their daughter's other half. They feel comfortable with me, and me with them.

• Purpose: For my wife: To add meaning to my wife's life. To make her feel cherished, important, and loved. To fill her needs and overwhelm her with more than she could ever have asked for out of life.

For my children: To inspire them to be strong where I was weak, to feel comfort where I felt none, and to have such a strong foundation that they are able to confront and overcome life's challenges with ease and joy. To teach them how to be a Jew, and how to walk the path of Hashem and to act in the footsteps of the Lubavicher Rebbe. To inspire them to be religious, well rounded, confident, mature, and learned.

For my parents: To teach them that there IS redemption. To teach them that love happens not because of what they do, but because of who they are. To inspire them to each day be better. To inspire a burning desire within them to be part of our children's lives.

For my brother: To show him the secular world that he lives in is garbage, and to inspire him to become a better, more responsible and mature person. To lead by example and show that having a happy family while being religious is possible and is the better way to live a life.

For my in-laws: To give and enforce the notion that we are family, and that they are accepted and loved at all times. To eliminate any fears that they are outside the family circle because of any kind of religious observance on our part, and that they will have an important role to share in the growth of our children.

• Roles: For my wife: Pillar of support, quiet speaker, unending attention giver, all ears, careful listener. Lover, care free and calm lover of life. Appreciator.

For my parents: Loving son.

For my brother: Forgiving brother.

• 3 to Thrive: Stay in touch with each at least weekly. Invite over for events; visit when possible. Share meaningful experiences over the phone / video.

• Resources: Wife, Children, Rabbi

• Qtr Goals: To have each feel loved and accepted by me. To smooth out any feelings of adversity felt by each. To inspire talk of a visit for an upcoming event. For in-laws, to maintain a feeling of equality and equal footing. To eliminate any feelings of charity on their part, and to inspire in them a comfort that their daughter and her family will be safe in my hands.

• 1yr Goals: Have each share their meaningful experiences with me. Have each feel close to me as if I am someone who cares about what they feel and we are part of their lives.

GOALSETTING: WELLNESS VISION

2010-07-05T16:07:00.000-04:00

Now I'm going to set my vision and my goals for each category.

GOALSETTING: WELLNESS VISION
• Vision: I am a well sculpted, strong, healthy, fit machine of a man, and I am full of life. People call me a dynamo. I wake up each day with pure boundless energy and breath to run in step with the physical world with a smile and with ease. I am a carefully sculpted and am a strong powerhouse of a man, built like a tank and strong. I am ultimately flexible, and am in the shape of my life. At sixty-years old, I am fully of healthy pure vitality, my body is as strong and young as a thirty year old, and I am wise and well. I love the adrenaline rush of a good run, and I love sweat while those of my age group begin to age and shrivel. My mind is at its peak performance, and life is clear and meaningful. I grow old gracefully, and I pass from the world with a tear and a smile that I lived my life full of purpose.

• Purpose: I see my children grow up. I see them become parents. I see them raise their children. I share many meaningful experiences with them -- the juice of life. I stay a man and a pillar of support both physically, materially, emotionally, and spiritually for my wife. I get to know my maker, and I rectify my blemishes. At the end of life, I feel an inner calm that I have done my part to fill my purpose on this Earth, and I have protected and preserved my body so that I can do them with vigor and excitement.

• Roles: Dynamo, Fitness Expert, Lover of Life, Breather of Life, Strong Father, Healthy Husband, Body-Mind Synergist.

• 3 to Thrive: Drink 3L of Water/Day, Daily Sprout Green Veggie Drinks, Daily Sweat and Adrenaline.

• Resources: Pete Egoscue, Fitness Books, Family Support

• Qtr Goals: Reach 225 lbs., Doctor clean bill of health, Daily Routine = Habit.

• 1yr Goals: Achieve and maintain 215 lbs., Habitualize goals. Buy new clothes to fit new size.

GOALSETTING

2010-07-05T15:14:00.001-04:00

So... I've been listening to taped by Dave Allen and Tony Robbins' "Time of Your Life" course that I bought years ago, and I've become a sort of "to do list" freak. I tried and REALLY ADOPTED Gina @ Lifehacker.com's TODO.TXT software (I got it running on Windows XP using cygwin which is considerably slower than it was using .sh on Linux), but this is what I deal with using Windows now that I decided to have a law practice. Running a law practice on the Ubuntu Linux operating system was really difficult to accomplish, so I had to switch back to the evil Windows XP (I wouldn't even try Windows 7 on my slow X41 Tablet laptop).

So the TODO.TXT works well, and I like the idea of having everything in a text file which is the crash-proof option of preserving work without relying on a piece of software's proprietary software format. The problem is that even with tweaking the code and applying add-ons to allow for listing to-do tasks by project (+LawFirm @Home, etc.), it still doesn't allow me to work with my tasks in a way any other than a to-do list.

So in short, I'm doing a life planning session right now, and so I figured since I'm typing it anyway, I'll put it on the blog and I'll share it with you.

SO FAR, the CATEGORIES of my life (with descriptive titles to excite me) are:

PERSONAL: WELLNESS MACHINE, CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS, FINANCE AUTOMATION, YIDDISHKEIT, MIND FOOD, PEACE OF MIND.

LAW PROFESSIONAL: PRACTICE RESEARCH, OFFICE FORMATION, ETHICS CHECK, CUSTOMER MAGNET, NETWORKING, RAINMAKING, BRINGIN' HOME THE SCHNITZEL.

Okay, now let's go into depth the areas each category covers:

WELLNESS MACHINE (HEALTH):
FITNESS MACHINE (EXERCISE)
WELLNESS GURU (LEARNING)
CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH (MEDICAL)
SLEEP PATTERNS MANAGED
NUTRITION / DIET HABITUALIZED

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS:
AS A HUSBAND (PROVIDER, SUPPORTER, LOVER)
AS A FATHER (STRENGTH, LOVING, TENDER, DISCIPLINE, TEACHER, ROLE MODEL)
AS A SON (JUST CALL MY MOM AND DAD)
AS A SIBLING (RECONCILE RELATIONSHIP)
AS AN IN-LAW (SUPPORT, BITTUL, COMPLIMENTS)

FINANCE AUTOMATION:
SAVINGS -- FOR HOME PURCHASE, FOR MINIVAN PURCHASE
BILLS PAID AUTOMATICALLY (TO THE CORRECT CHECKING ACCOUNTS)
STOCKS / RETIREMENT / IRA / 401K (NOT SITTING IDLY)
STUDENT LOANS PAID (FREE & CLEAR)
JOB / INCOME STREAM EXCEED EXPENSES.

AS A JEW (YIDDISHKEIT, in no particular order):
NEGELVASSER IN THE MORNING
PRAYER -- MORNING BERACHOS, SHACHRIS, MINCHA, MARIV, BENCHING, KERIAT SHEMA.LEARNING TORAH -- CHITAS, CHASSIDUS, NIGLEH (CHEVRUSA), HALACHA
CHINUCH (CHILDREN'S EDUCATION)
COMMUNITY -- ATTENDING EVENTS, SHIURIM, FARBRENGENS

PROFESSIONAL:
RESEARCH AREAS OF PRACTICE (PATENT, PATENT LITIGATION, FORECLOSURES, BANKRUPTCY)
LAW PRACTICE EQUIPMENT
LAW FIRM WEB SITE
SPEAKER
RAINMAKER
RESOLVE ETHICAL ISSUES (E.G., MULTI-JURISDICTIONAL PRACTICE, CLE IN OTHER STATES ADMITTED, ETC.)
ADVERTISING / SEO
TAKE REQUIRED INTRODUCTORY ATTORNEY COURSE

Let me know if I've forgotten anything.

We're back up and running.

2010-07-05T14:11:00.001-04:00

Okay, so what happened... I went to an attorney seminar where they were talking about the dangers of blogging. Usually, the attorney -- thinking his blog is private -- tells all sorts of stuff about himself that later on gets him in trouble with a malpractice suit or a disciplinary action. Hearing this, and hearing someone in my community chide me about my feelings about my son's lack of payis the day after the upsherin, I froze the blog.

So I'm in a "what the hell" mood, so after a few e-mails from readers and an indulgence into my ego of having people enjoy what I write, I decided to put the blog back up.

I feel a bit like a failure, and yet a bit like the protector of my family. Just days after getting admitted in New York, passing the character and fitness interview, winning and being cleared of the whole ethics / unauthorized practice of law charge that I was accused of, and being literally days away from getting my law practice started, I received a phone call from a recruiter I have been hounding for months to help me find a temporary document review position. I couldn't turn down the offer. The pay isn't that great, and all it will do is pay our bills and buy us months of time until the financial bad times have subsided, but what it essentially did is take me out of the solo practice business for the time being.

I'm really hurting about this because I've been gearing up to getting going for months now, and just as I was about to hit the ground running, I took the safe road to ensure that I am providing for my family and paying for our children's education. Now with our daughter old enough to go to school, our yeshiva tuition bills just doubled which for me is a shocker because even with the scholarships, tuition for our kids is almost as much as a mortgage payment would be.

The project is hell too. No internet, no phones, everything is locked down. The fellow reviewers call this place the sweat shop, because the air conditioning often breaks down, we are shoulder-to-shoulder in front of our terminals, and there are no free drinks (sodas, etc.) or anything given to us. No overtime, no dinners, no taxi cabs, etc. On top of this, the subject matter is B-O-R-I-N-G. I feel like wood chopper who was told that he would be paid nicely for standing in an empty room with his axe and makes the motions of chopping all day long... but with no wood. I learned some time ago from my Rabbi that a person needs to have a purpose, and making purposeless movements all day long can drive a person crazy, even if he's well paid for it.

Anyway, the hours are limited, but we're allowed to come in early and leave early, as long as we put in the minimum 40 hours each week. So what I've been doing is coming in at 6:30am and leaving at 3:30pm (we have to take an unpaid one hour break each day), and at 3:30pm, I've been jumping on a subway and flying over to a local law library where I've been doing research on the areas of law I want to practice once I get started.

The way things look, this may be a longterm project, but I expect that I'll know when the right time is to leave and start my practice. After I have everything set up with regard to researching the areas of law I want to practice and buying the essential law office equipment, I'll seek out clients that I can service in the afternoons and evenings, and as soon as I have enough of a client base, I'll transition over to the solo law practice. It's a good thing I'm a patent attorney; with this area of law I'll be able to work evenings.

This is difficult on my family, but my wife appreciates the efforts I'm putting in. I expect that it won't be for long. She's already endured the NY bar exam study and the months of unemployment, so this is a positive change for her. I've also told her that she can spend as much as she wants for a maid, as long as it's within reason and as long as she understands that there is only a certain amount coming in and going out, and if we want to add expenses, they have to come from somewhere. Something's gotta give. So she found a few corners she can cut, and for around a week, she hired a nanny to watch our kids while she took a job at a local hospital. However, the work wasn't what she wanted and the hours took her away from the kids for too long, so she resumed the position of being CEO of our household. I'm the CFO. At least now she's doing it because she wants to and not because she has too.

I support her in her endeavor in trying to find outside work, but when we learned that she was doing it because she wanted the paycheck and the experience, and not to get a break from watching the kids, I told her that she was free to decide whether to work and how much to work. As much as I was sad to have her paycheck disappear as soon as her first week's paycheck came in (it was a nice one), I was happy that it was her that made the decision to choose family over money because now I think she's come to the realization that it's not such a bad thing to live on less and to have a more meaningful relationship with our kids. I was also happy that it was her that made the decision so that she can own it. On my end, I was a bit saddened that the money went away, and along with the money went the freedom to work on and grow the practice. And, on went the shackles of the J.O.B. (just over broke) document review JOB. Now I'm forced to work as much as I can because the yoke of paying our bills and keeping us afloat is back on my weary shoulders. But I am happy my wife is happy about being home with the kids as her profession, because my dogmatic religious training says that the wife should be home and the husband should be out working. Of course my wife can and probably should get a part time job for her own sanity. Many women do.

BY THE WAY, where I get this dogmatic belief: The story happened one day two years ago when I was in the presence of a very well respected Rabbi, someone who was very close to the Lubavicher Rebbe. Him and I had a close but awkward relationship because he wanted me to be the best I can be, and he saw my weaknesses and tried to help me overcome them but I kept stumbling and this caused him pain in his heart, and in turn, in mine. I looked up to him as a father figure, and I trusted what he said because based on his actions and the way he lived his life, he was (and IS) a truly good man who I miss whenever I think of him. The day this occurred, I was talking to him about my wife who wanted to accept a job. He was saddened by this because he felt that with two children [at the time, now three] at home under three-years-old, a woman should spend all her energies benefiting the family and the home. A career woman doesn't make for an easy chassidic home, he said in some words. He didn't tell me this directly, but from his attempts to elicit ways for her to stay at home and NOT to take a full-time job, I got his message loud and clear. He also meant only good by this statement.

THE RESULT AND THE "WHAT DO I DO NOW?" FEELINGS.

2010-05-24T12:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I went to shul and cried to Hashem. I asked him why I can't get a normal job, and why I can't have a normal relationship with my wife, and why can't we think along the same lines, etc. I finished davening, packed my stuff, and was heading home. Before I left my wife said she'd look up plans about taking a trip either to NJ or Connecticut because there are a bunch of things to do there that my mom would enjoy doing.

As I walked out, one of the rabbis stopped me and reminded me about the whole wrapping-our-son-in-a-tallis-and-taking-him-to-cheder thing. I planned on attending minyan in the morning at 8am to discuss this with them, but after the whole fight with my wife, I forgot about this and showed up to shul after minyan ended and I pretty much davened alone. I'm glad that I was flagged down and reminded about this by the Rabbi before I left. He told me that Lubavichers don't lick the honey off of an Aleph-Bais, but instead, they use a laminated enlarged version of the first page of the Tanya. "Cute," I thought. They allowed me to borrow one to take home so that I'll have one with me when I bring my son to cheder the following day.

I came home feeling pretty good about myself and ready to spend the day with my wife, mom, and kids. When I got home, nothing was done, nobody was ready to leave. My wife was in her pissy mood, and when I asked her if she looked up places to stay or things to do, she said she didn't because she was taking care of our kids. I brushed off the insinuation that me being at minyan left her alone with the kids and thus I wasn't doing my part of the parenting. I put the laminated Tanya page on the bookshelf in full view hoping that my wife would notice it and be appreciative that I took care of this because a few days beforehand, she accused me of not knowing what I was doing with regard to the upsherin. I wanted to let her know that I was on top of it all, just as I *WAS* on top of everything that had to be done the day before, even though she accused me of ignorance about that topic as well.

I half hoped that my wife would have taken the initiative to take my son to fix his haircut as we spoke about this morning before the fight broke out, but apparently she had no intention of doing so. I joined her in the privacy of our own room and asked her if she had any response to anything I said earlier that day, because I didn't feel like driving to Connecticut if we didn't resolve our bad feelings from earlier that day. She said that there was nothing to say and that she flatly disagreed with pretty much everything I said and that she thought I was a moron and that I didn't know what I was talking about. She understood that everything I said was a criticism of her, and that I just went on and on about how I was upset about the haircut.

TO SAY THE LEAST, I WAS FLOORED.

At this point, I didn't know what to do. Obviously I wasn't going to go on a day trip if my wife and I didn't resolve such an important argument as we had this morning. When I told her this, she said, "I have absolutely no interest in going around with you or showing your mom a good time. Don't think that you're doing ANYTHING for me by taking me us out today." I was so saddened at hearing this because I was so sure she wanted to go do everything we planned, and *I* WAS THE KIND ONE THAT I WAS TAKING OFF FROM MY LAW OFFICE FORMATION EFFORTS TO SPEND TIME WITH THE FAMILY, AND I WAS ACTUALLY A BIT UPSET DURING DAVENING THAT MY WIFE DIDN'T CONSIDER THE IMPORTANCE OF ME WORKING TODAY AND INSTEAD ONLY WAS INTERESTED IN HER TRIP TO CONNECTICUT.

So now I just spent the past two hours shut in our bedroom with the laptop battery about to run out. I feel sad, and I feel alone. My wife is not interested in my feelings, and she is not interested in hearing anything I have to say about the upbringing of our family. She has completely ignored me since I came back, and I'm about to burst into tears because I don't know what to do. Do I pull her aside and have my mom watch the kids while I make nice to her? Do I talk to my mom and get words of wisdom and advice on what to do? Do I call my rabbi who will only tell me that I'm right, but that I have to give in to keep shalom bayis?

I feel like the whole situation is helpless, and that I don't have anywhere to turn. I really feel that this has been a breakdown of communication, and that we really need to see a marriage counselor. I feel so violated and hurt. I have never been more floored by today at her uncaring and cavalier attitude towards our marriage or our relationship. I've always given her the benefit of the doubt, but there is no excuse here, no way to explain her way out of this one. She simply doesn't care. :( What do I do?

THE HEATED ARGUMENT THE MORNING AFTERWARDS

2010-05-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm taking a deep breathe and pushing myself to finish this blog entry. Really what I want to do is call my Rabbi / mashpia / adviser and cry to find out what to do to rectify this situation.

In short, after clearly explaining to her that she cut off the payos and even though it's not that big of a deal, we need to give our son a proper haircut so that he fit into the community as a Jewish boy rather than one of the Israeli kids who's parents don't respect halacha. She agreed that the haircut was inappropriate, but admitted that the cuteness of our son wearing that haircut was growing on her, and hence the haircut was growing on her. I told her to keep her head straight and not get seduced by our son's cuteness, and that the funky haircut was growing on me too since we both love our son so much.

Then after a few hints that maybe she should hear me out about my feelings about the haircut and the upsherin and my experiences, she allowed me to speak. I told her how wonderful the event was. Then all hell broke out when I told her about her father and how much it bothered me that he cut a lock off the peyos after I told him not to. She denied this vehemently and defended her father over my statement, and then tried to shut me up when I was telling her about how I felt as a father when she took our son to the barber and cut off his payos after me making such a big deal about it the whole day before.

In short, my mom got involved which was the fuel that was poured on our flaming conversation and the whole conversation erupted into a shouting match. My wife walked out and I finished giving my mom my opinion about the whole thing. I then decided to take a shower and cool off.

In the shower, I clarified my thoughts that I wasn't upset at the peyos nor was I upset about the haircut in general. I was upset that I felt that my voice wasn't being heard and that I felt shut out with regard to how to run my OWN family and I felt that I had a right to have a say in what goes on, particularly with regard to how my son looks when he goes to shul or school. I also clarified that I was feeling that my own feelings weren't being attended to, and instead of calling my wife heartless and spewing words of hatred towards my wife, I softly told her how I was feeling and that I felt that I wasn't being listened to and that I was hurting because I felt that my wife wasn't prioritizing my needs and that she was ignoring things I was saying as unimportant and this has been hurting me lately. I did this in the privacy of our own room so as not to allow it to elevate again with my mom involved. In short, I softly bared my soul to my wife and made myself completely vulnerable so that we can have shalom bayis even though what I really wanted to do was rip her head off.

I left to go to minyan, and I expected that everything would be better when I returned. My mom intervened again as I was leaving and she fanned the flames fighting my wife's side as I was leaving. I felt that this was inappropriate, especially since I just made myself look better to my wife by sharing my feelings of vulnerability and here my mom again made me look like a monster by comparing me to her husband.

Last part of the story in the last post...

THE HAIRCUT AFTER THE UPSHERIN

2010-05-24T11:33:00.001-04:00

Okay, part two. The haircut.

I didn't think much about the haircut after the upsherin. I knew what needed to be done -- a regular haircut and leave the payis and let us determine how long or short to make them. My wife asked me if I wanted to go, because I didn't want to leave my dad alone with either my mom (they're divorced and it wouldn't be tznius) or to leave my dad alone with my wife (for some reason I had it in my head that it would have been a yichud issue, although at this point I can't remember what my reasoning was -- I was feeling ill and tired at this point, so with hindsight, there likely was no yichud issue, but I thought there would be). All this being said, I thought my mom would enjoy the experience and I trusted my wife that she knew what to do.

Oops. First of all, I was slightly upset that I knew that my wife wouldn't tolerate the local religious guy to give our son his haircut. So I was fine with her taking our son to Supercuts as I often do with reservation (I don't feel good about it when I go). However, apparently she didn't know what to do because she let the barber COMPLETELY cut off our son's payis. Plus, he gave our son a goyishe haircut.

Now this is horrible to say, but in our community there are the frum guys, and there are the non-frum guys. Usually the non-frum guys are the Israelis who don't respect halacha and do whatever they want. They make up their own rules and don't follow Lubavich minhagim (or any minhagim for that matter) and so I see what haircut they and the other non-religious parents give their kids. That's the haircut my wife gave our son.

When I saw this, I was horrified, but I didn't say anything [until this morning.] I'm getting tired at this point, and I'm really now upset at myself for going into all this detail and I don't think I have the energy to write the final blog post which is the WHOLE REASON I wrote everything up until now.

In short, when I told my wife that I was upset that she didn't consult with me before cutting off the peyos, she insisted that she kept the sideburns which are peyos. When I exclaimed to her that they weren't, and when I told her she gave our son a goyishe haircut, she refused to hear me out. This really hurt me because I was already hurt from her not listening to my input on so many issues until now. In short, to spite me, she will not fix his hair and is keeping the goyishe haircut just to spite me.

THE UPSHERIN EVENT

2010-05-24T11:23:00.000-04:00

First, the upsherin. Yesterday was my son's birthday and hence his upsherin. Mazal tov to everyone involved, including me, my wife, and our son. My wife worked very hard planning the whole thing. She made a big party, served a bunch of food, rented a hall, etc. All of this in my estimation was much bigger and gaudier than it had to be. I had in mind just clearing out the couch and the table in our apartment and having people come and go here like a revolving-door party. I thought the whole idea of a "big" event thing was a dumb idea since we are terribly unemployed and in a really bad financial position, and thus I thought throwing a big party now was a waste of money. However, I went along with it nonetheless because it was important to my wife because she had in her mind that it was important to my son who I don't know whether he would have remembered either way where he had is party or its size. I suppose I'm a minimalist in many ways, and I carry that mentality to many areas of my life. Simpler and cleaner is always better. More fancy usually means more cluttered and thus no longer so comfy. Either way, my wife is usually more realistic about things and so she usually pumps them up in size to what is appropriate.

So the party was a hit; everybody had a great time. The rabbis of the community showed up, and I'm sure my son had a great time. What would have been just an average event if I did it ended up being a large community event, and it looks to me as if a lot of people had a great time. I smiled a lot, waved, and said hello to a lot of people, and I was proud of my son.

One thing in particular that upset me was that I kept speaking to everyone who was cutting the hair to cut the back, the front, etc. but not to cut off the payis. Obviously Lubavichers don't keep the payis, but I wanted it to be my wife and my choice how long or short to cut them. Everyone agreed with me and cut around the payis except my wife's father who completely ignored what I said, disagreed with me, and took a large snip of my son's payis RIGHT AFTER I TOLD HIM NOT TO. Wow was I upset, but I shrugged it off and said to myself that maybe he didn't understand me or maybe he didn't comprehend the importance of what I was saying. Maybe he didn't even hear me because he wasn't listening because he was so happy for us on our joyous occasion.

Then it came time for the party to be over. Nobody was leaving, and there was a big mess on the tables because nobody was cleaning up. So I took a few garbage bags and started cleaning off the tables. It was innocuous. Nobody minded. My wife's dad and my dad both noticed that I started cleaning up and so at first without my knowing, they started breaking down tables. I didn't think much about it because they were not kicking anyone out and I knew my wife would freak if she thought that we were kicking people out because she has a firm belief that guests should leave on their own and not be escorted out and I respect her opinion. After a while when I noticed people started leaving and congregating by the exit doors (with the exception of a few groups who were still sitting and chatting), I also started breaking down tables and moving the chairs against the wall. After everything was over and the tables were broken down my wife came over to me inflamed why I was kicking out our guests, but I told her that I had nothing to do with that and it was her own father that started breaking down the tables. She backed off.

The whole day I was feeling ill from a stomach virus that I got from going over one of my wife's friend's houses a few days beforehand. For the past few days, I've been vomiting and I've been dizzy and nauseous, but I pulled myself together to help my wife out in any way she needed to set up for this event. After the event ended (we only rented the hall for a specific few hours and we noted those hours in our invitations), however, nobody was leaving and a few of my wife's college buddies started to show up. My wife's parents were also ignoring the time limits of our stay there, and they were wasting time playing around. My daughter was being pushed around on a skateboard, and my son was running around with his grandfather. Obviously since nobody was going anywhere and I was feeling sick as hell (I was dripping wet from sweat), I spoke to my mom and she told me that she didn't feel as if there was anything wrong with me excusing myself and going home. That's what I did. I spoke to my wife, and she agreed that I should go home and get some rest since the event [even though it was over] wasn't ending any time soon.

Instead of going to bed and resting when I got home, I spent some time cleaning up the house and getting it back in order because it was a wreck by the time we left for the event. Feeling faint, I whipped up a vegetable shake in the blender to get some nutrients into me, thinking that maybe it will clear up my head and give me some energy to make it through the day. My wife walked in at this point, she saw me and snarled, and then commented that "if I was well enough to be making smoothies, then I should have stayed behind and not left her alone at the event." I explained to her that I really wasn't feeling well, and that in addition to her dad and mom helping out, I also left my dad and brother behind to help out as well (as they did because within the hour they were all here at the house.) Fair enough.

Then it came time to cut the hair.... [next blog post].

2010-05-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

I feel at a loss for words; I feel alone. I can't complain to you about my wife because then I'm the bad guy, and I can't talk to anyone around me because I've surrounded myself with her family and her friends. I can't go to marital counseling because every time I've suggested it she throws the money issue in my face and then finds reasons why the person I picked is too close to the community and she doesn't want to be embarrassed having a community member know our business. I'll discuss this in the coming posts.

Just complainin' about a bad day with the Misses.

2010-05-16T03:12:00.004-04:00

In my experience it's usually a bad idea to write blog entries when you're in a bad (sad) mood. So here we go.

I passed the New York bar exam. Woohoo. Now I get to start my own practice. I won't limit it to intellectual property / patent law, although that will certainly be part of it. I'll make it a "bread and butter" practice, doing anything that pays the bills. I'm listening to generalist courses right now on how to run a practice from the point of view of family law, employment, etc. Should be fun.

On another note, I had a rather upsetting conversation with my wife today. I told her that if she wants me to have my office here in the apartment and if she wants me to forgo renting office space, she needs to understand that I'm at work even when I'm not sitting at the computer in our small closet. I need to be at work at 8am and not 10:30am or 11am as has been the case these past two weeks. I can't be taking our son to school or babysitting a screaming toddler who needs attention while she goes shopping as if she only has a newborn. If I am going to do this (start a practice), then I need to do it wholeheartedly. That means that she needs to treat me as if I'm working even when I take a break or walk around the house. Much of being productive happens when you're not typing away at the computer, or making phone calls. It's the downtime that allows for so much uptime, I told her. She coldly looked at me and said, "okay, if you're at work, then I'm getting a maid." I told her to do whatever she wants to do, so I suppose we're getting a maid now. Wouldn't it be nice if I had the income to make that possible? So far it's zilch.

On top of that, we've been having disagreements all night. It seems that everything I say irks her and that's not fair because I don't want to be shut up every time I want to have a conversation with her. She treats me nastily and I don't know how to react -- do I react with sadness? anger? do I stand up and leave? For most of the evening, I shook off the anger she was throwing at me. When I asked her why she was acting so angry (she was looking at job postings all night), she retorted with some witty angry comment. If I was a bit less tired, I would have been hurt, but instead, I stood up and walked into my office (yes, I'm sitting on the floor of our walk-in closet in our two-bedroom apartment.) I think it all started this afternoon when I was reminding her that whatever we pay into day care, she needs to match in income by the end of the year, or else we lose all of the income tax deduction, as we did this year. We lost out on hundreds of dollars because my wife didn't work. I wasn't criticizing her, but nevertheless she still blew a fuse.

She started accusing me of judging her and criticizing her when that was the furthest thing from my mind, just as she accused me earlier in the day of judging our Shabbos guests when I was just trying to have a discussion as to what brought them to be in the situation they were in at this moment. I wasn't judging them just as I wasn't judging my wife, but she took it that way even though I flatly told her where I was coming from. No, I was wrong according to her. I was judging her. Whatever. Making $6,000 in a year is not such a big deal anyway, especially for someone of her caliber with her degree. It would be like a check mark on a to-do list. Really I wasn't even asking her to get a job - I was just talking with her about what was on my mind and the fact that we missed that deduction was on my mind -- it was a random thought.

Anyway, this was one of many attempted conversations. Another was me asking her to cover her hair when we are together. I don't know, but there's something wrong about a religious woman walking around the house with uncovered mezuzahs and her hair being uncovered. I was particularly annoyed because I've spoken to her about it just earlier in the day and somehow she was defying me by not wearing anything, as if that really made my day or not. I just felt that to maintain the level of piety that we have in the house, it is inappropriate for her to be walking around without a head covering, just as it would be inappropriate for me to be walking around without pants in my tidy whiteys, topless, or without a yarmulke or tzitzis.

Anyway, it's not the end of the world that we're not getting along tonight. So she's having a bad day, that's it. Life doesn't end when she has a bad day and takes it out on everyone around her. I just wish she confided in me more and was more expressive of her emotions or her needs.

This evening while job searching, she asked me whether I thought she should be looking for just any job in her profession or a job that was in her particular specialty field. I told her that if looking, she should be looking for any job. Really I had no idea what she was looking for, but she gets things into her head and comes up with conclusions without talking to me about them. I know we started speaking about whether she should get a job while I start a law practice and the consensus was that it was a good idea (probably), but I am torn as to whether she should work or not. I wish she'd do what she's supposed to do and be a stay-at-home mother rather than looking for work. But she doesn't trust me that I can make everything work out. She doesn't have faith that I'll succeed. Otherwise why would she be looking for a job?

Lastly, I've been sad these past few days because just about everyone I know forgot my birthday. My wife made me and my son a cake (for a shared birthday), and her parents got us a juicer after we told them we didn't want one (we have a vita-mix which juices just fine), but other than that, she really treated me like dirt all day long. I got no affection, no love, and no thoughtful gestures. A few weeks back my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her, "just love me and be nice to me." That was too much for her.

Hashem handed us a financial life preserver and a death warning.

2010-04-20T18:06:00.003-04:00

First of all, everybody, thank you for your blessings, your comments, and your good wishes. I started moderating the comments (and I have received them all via e-mail, but I have been unable time-wise to login and approve them). Sorry for not posting them online sooner.

Interestingly enough, with the exception of those of you who know my true identity, I am happy to say that I have been logging into blogger via JonDo which I paid for a 1-year subscription (it wasn't expensive) anonymously so that the evil Google empire (obviously I'm kidding somewhat) doesn't link my IP address on the Frumpter account to the Google address I use with my real identity.

Anyway, regarding the last post, all job opportunities and document review projects slipped through our fingers. It was a horrifying feeling relying for so long on the coming of projects which never came. So we slipped closer and closer to breaking point -- we've never dug so low into our reserves to the point that we literally had only a few hundred dollars left in the bank account and then kazaam!

We literally were days before hitting bottom before Hashem kicked in to everyone's surprise. After the project in 12/2009 (right before NY bar review), we lost unemployment because the unemployment office claimed that I quit the project when I said it ended. I appealed the decision and continued filing for unemployment all the way until 3/2010, even though not one penny was paid to us. To our surprise, last week we won the hearing and this morning, unemployment paid us all the backpay since 12/2009 to the tune of $7,000! On top of that, I e-filed taxes last week, and to my surprise, we didn't owe taxes, but were getting a refund of $1,000 federal and almost $800 from the state. Putting this all together, this is exactly what we needed to pay off our credit card bills and keep us running for another few months.

On a sad note, I had a physical from the doctor and the blood-work showed some anomalies which made the doctor come to the conclusion that I'm running head first into having a stroke or a heart attack imminently unless I make some drastic life changes TODAY. So I started going to the gym almost daily and I bought a Vita-Mix blender and an EasyGreen Mikrofarm automatic sprouting machine. We're going to start growing and eating superfoods and vegetables, and we're moving to a RAW diet. I was 205 lbs. in 2005 when I spent the summer in China, and now I'm 251 almost five years later (and after almost four years of marriage). It can't be that hard to get back down so my lab work returns to normal.

So in sum, Hashem handed us a financial life preserver and a death warning if I don't get into shape. I'm still unemployed and am looking for work. I'm not receiving unemployment anymore (it has run out), but because of my recent work a few months back, I'm eligible for employment in the state I worked (which is around $200 less per week) which I applied for and am waiting for now as we speak. My rent has increased as of May an ADDITIONAL $200/month and we have just a few months of survival money left. I got some health food equipment and am making changes in my lifestyle with regard to diet and exercise. I am waiting the results from the February NY Bar Exam and I have to pass character & fitness before I'm admitted so I can't practice any law until I've cleared those hurdles. I am still determined to start my own patent practice, but it'll be difficult giving up the security of unemployment, but as of now I'm not receiving any and if I do, it's much less than I received in my previous state.

In other words, we're still alive, still kicking, still making it financially. Our home (metaphorically) is still in order, and my wife and I B"H still have shalom bayis in the home. We spend a lot of time with the 3 kids, and I'm asking Hashem every day for a job and strength so that I can keep a daily and weekly seder and learning schedule. I haven't written the Lubavicher Rebbe yet about the health condition; I'll get to that as soon as I can.

Almost hitting bottom financially. Almost no reserves left.

2010-04-07T19:42:00.003-04:00

Okay, so how do I feel... two document review project opportunities in one week and both fall through.

I was in touch with a recruiter who has been telling me for around two months that he expects a document review project to begin that I would be wonderful for, but that the temp position would pay moderately well and it would last for months. I was totally game for this, and I was looking forward to this, because they were specifically looking for an IP attorney with my experience.

Just last week, I received a phone call from another recruiter that another document review position opened up midtown Manhattan, and that it wasn't my area, but they asked for me specifically since I've worked with that law firm before. So I was all excited. She said they were interested in me, and that the position starts Monday. I told her that I couldn't start until Wednesday because Monday and Tuesday were a Jewish holiday (last days of Pesach). She called me a few hours later and told me the deal was off; they filled the position with attorneys who can start on Monday.

At this point my wife asked, "What was the meaning of this?" "I can't figure out why Hashem would give something like this to us, and then so quickly take it away!" My answer was easy -- Hashem was testing us to see whether we would cave in and whether we would work on yom tov. It was an easy test for us. The answer was simply no. I waited for the other opening that I was hearing about.

Now I always check my e-mail, but last night for some reason after the chag I didn't. We sat down and watched Survivor on our laptops. This morning, same deal. I opened the e-mail, but I was interrupted and I didn't end up checking my e-mails. I got annoyed at my wife (who at the time was still asleep) for leaving her laptop out on the couch for the zillionth time and having our daughter sit there and pick off each of the keys from the keyboard until I recognized the sound from the other room [click, click, crack... click, click, crack] -- I ran out, and stopped her from removing whatever keys were left. I took the laptop, and flung it on my wife's bed along with the keys that were broken off and I said, "I told you a million times not to leave the laptop out for the kids to break it. This is the third laptop that has had its keyboard broken because you left it out. This is unacceptable." I was pissed.

Around 10:30am, I was having coffee and my wife noticed that the recruiter left a voicemail this morning at 8:30am telling me that the document review position I have been waiting for this past month or so was finally here, and they need two people right away. The recruiter also mentioned that he left a voicemail on my other phone number and that he left two e-mails. I couldn't believe I didn't see them until now! I glanced at my e-mail which was already open and there were his two e-mails. I couldn't believe it.

I thought to myself, "OH NO! I'VE BLOWN THE BERACHAS THAT WERE COMING OUR WAY!" I quickly called him back, left a message, and sent a reply that I'm still very interested in the project and that I am available. I then immediately davened with talis and tefillin with full kavanah, I said tehillim, and in my heart I apologized for my sins that morning and I asked for forgiveness. I got an e-mail back as soon as I was finished that he's excited that I'm interested, and he'll check with the law firm just to make sure they were still looking for someone (even though he thought I had the position in the bag, as did I). I said tehillim, and when my wife asked my why I wasn't nervous, I said, "because I did everything I am supposed to do. Now it's up to G-d."

We went shopping at BJ's (a store akin to Price Costco) to restock the kitchen and we bought food. When we arrived home, I ran to the e-mail, and I saw that there was an e-mail from the recruiter. When shopping earlier that day, and again while opening up the e-mail, I kept thinking about how nice it would be to put a down payment on the minivan my wife has been talking about for months now (right now the three car seats for our three kids are shoulder-to-shoulder in our back seat), now that income would be finally coming in. I could pay our bills, buy food, pay full tuition at our son's yeshiva instead of the discount rate paupers such as we currently get, and we could allocate just enough to cover payments for a van so that my wife can get around with the kids. I opened the e-mail and started reading. Expecting the e-mail to contain a starting date, instructions, and an address to show up to, it said, "they already filled the position. Sorry."

Now I'm sulking, and I'm wondering what I did wrong. Are my sins so grave that they're enough to remove any blessings that were to have come my way? What have I done to cause the berachas to have disappeared, and what can I do to reverse this? My family and I are so close to running out of money (we've been living on our backup cash for almost a year now which barely has a month left of reserves and then there is NOTHING saved after this.) How can Hashem let us go so close to going broke? What is his plan for us? What will happen? I am so scared, because in my mind this project has been my backup for months now, and now it is gone. All I can do at this point is scrape together some kind of temporary something and hope something comes through or we're on the street.

Feeling Static.

2010-03-23T19:48:00.001-04:00

I've been experiencing a lot of static lately. I've been having a difficult time because life has put me in a position where I am unable to move and I am bound and unable to break free of this.

First of all, professionally, I am unable to move. I am not licensed in New York, and thus I cannot practice law here until I am admitted. So I can't get a job except for document review, and so far I seem to not be able to get on any projects since I left my last one. I am a patent attorney and so I can potentially try to develop a business and take clients in this area of practice, but my hands are tied because I cannot accept unemployment if I start up my own business. The problem is that I am not on unemployment, but I am not off of it either.

I stopped receiving unemployment benefits after my last project ended in a way that it is uncertain to the unemployment office whether I am still eligible. So they're holding hearings with my former employers, having me submit documents, etc. and going through the whole appeals process having me prove that I am eligible for unemployment. The problem during all this is that 1) they are not paying anything, but I keep filing for unemployment as they have instructed me to, 2) we are running out of savings, and I mean that we have never been this low EVER, and 3) I am unable to start a business because I'll lose the unemployment eligibility that I'm fighting so hard to recover.

On another note, I'm hurting to the point of crying because of the things I think my wife thinks about me. I feel that she feels that I am a loser for being unemployed, and when I am working on the computer (whether I am paying bills, filing for unemployment, doing law research for the current lawsuits I am involved in, or answering e-mails), she thinks I am playing and she treats what I'm doing as if it is meaningless. What she doesn't realize is that we wouldn't have a car, internet, electricity running, healthcare, school loans handled, or taxes filed and paid if it weren't for me taking care of all of this. I pay all the bills and handle all the finances in the house, and I handle all errands that need to be run in the family. I take care of all the problems. I call people and resolve any disputes that happen. I handle the legal aspects of our life, our contracts and agreements, our banking. I interact with the insurance company to make sure we have health insurance and that our COBRA is paid and in order, and I make sure all claims are tracked and resolved properly. Her sole responsibility is to take care of the kids, cook food, take the kids to their appointments, and keep the house in order. I see it as my side of the responsibility, and her side. The problem is that I feel that she sees my side as non-existent, and she sees her side as if she's saving the universe.

On top of that, I cross over onto her side very frequently if not regularly to wash dishes, do laundry, watch the kids, play with the kids, change diapers if needed, endlessly insert pacifiers and hold crying children, and I wake up in the middle of the night and too early in the morning more times than I would like to. She appreciates all this when it happens, but then after time passes, or the ONE TIME I tell her NO to helping her with something, she forgets everything I do and accuses me of being an unemployed loser.

*YOU CAN SKIP THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH BECAUSE IT DETAILS MY DAY*
Today (well, combining today and yesterday's events), I woke up and took care of the kids while she slept. She got the kids ready and made lunches while I watched the news online drinking coffee, and then I took our oldest to school. On the way to school, I picked something up from the store and I remembered that we hired a maid for the day so I went to the bank to withdraw enough money to pay the maid. I dropped off my son at school, and came home. On my way home, I checked the mail in the mail room and came home. My wife was cleaning the home, and I canceled a membership that was costing us money. I confirmed that our daughter was properly added to our insurance plan with my ex-employer, and I made multiple calls to the hospital to take care of the insurance portion of the multi-thousand-dollar bill. I then started making phone calls to specialists to make an appointment for an injury that has been bothering me for a few weeks now and has since become bothersome. I sat down and answered a few e-mails and checked our bank balances and made sure that everything was scheduled. I downloaded tax forms for a bank I forgot about on my tax return, and I added to my list of things to do. My wife was frantic because we don't have food in the house, but instead of buying some like she said she would, she decided to continue in her Pesach cleaning chores. She took a rag to the bookshelf (not sure why since there were bigger things to take care of) and didn't shop like she said she would. I continued taking care of things on my end until she asked me to help her with the beds. I lifted each of our beds while she added skirts to them (because not having skirts was bothering her). Then it came time to pick up our son. My wife then tried to get out of it by telling me that I better pick him up or else I'll have to change our child's poo diaper. I reluctantly agreed, and on my way out, she sent me on an errand to the Judaica bookstore to buy books for Passover. I remembered that I told her I'd pick up a few more bedikas chometz kits and so I picked up those as well.

This afternoon, my wife was supposed to take our son to the doctor for a hearing ear test -- something the school wanted us to look into. She asked me to go instead of her so that she can clean, but I didn't want to. I told her that I feel that she is bullying me around and that I haven't even had a chance to shower yet. She then made some kind of comment that I could have showered earlier while I was wasting time on the computer (I actually wasn't), but had I known she wanted me to take him, I would have showered beforehand, and I would have been happy to. However, I felt that the way she approached it was sneaky and I don't like her changing plans on me last minute because things ALWAYS go wrong when she pulls something like this on me. (Perfect example: this Sunday, we were attending a family event. In the middle of the event, she needed to feed our newborn daughter so she took her back to the car; I watched the kids which after about five seconds became a disaster because our daughter decided that she wanted to go swimming in a lake and my son started eating messy cake and it was hard dealing with two squirming kids. She disappeared for almost an hour and when she returned, instead of throwing a temper tantrum like I really wanted to, I sucked it all in, smiled, and continued our day. I did let her know that I thought it was excessive for her to ditch me with the kids in the park for almost an hour, but I kept the conversation calm.) In short, when she changes plans on me, I ALWAYS get screwed.

Returning to today, she asked me to take our son to the doctor. I was happy to but I didn't like her timing or the way she asked me, and I was in the middle of another task which I didn't want to drop at the moment. I told her I needed a minute and I told her that I was reluctant to start changing plans around. She's had this on the schedule for weeks now, and she's the one that interacts with the school teachers about our son. Plus, I thought that since she deals with the doctors and taking kids to the appointments (I often tag along), that's her territory and I wouldn't know what to answer the doctors if they asked things of me. This is her area. She then threw a temper tantrum and stormed out before giving us a chance to discuss it.

Now I'm all upset and hurt from her actions. So many feelings of inadequacy and hurt are bubbling up inside of me and I'm feeling myself shut down from the anger of feeling that it is not fair that she disregards everything I do the one time I don't do something the way she wants me to.

So I'm no longer in the mood of being upset. It's been nearly an hour that I've been sulking and have been writing this post, and I've decided to pick myself up and move on. While I would normally delete a post like this, I'm going to keep it, post it, and I'll probably delete it later the next time I feel bad about trashing my wife on my blog, something I resolved not to do; so read this while it's fresh because I'll probably take it down later. I'm going to pick up and continue my day as if we weren't fighting. Bottom line, she's right that I should have said yes to taking our son to the doctor, but she's wrong in how she approached it. I'm going to hit "publish" on this article, and I'm going to continue working on things that I said that I would do. I'll try not to think of my hurt feelings and how I feel she steps on me and manipulates me.

Purim Seudah

2010-03-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting time at the Purim seudah. It was nice to be among friends. It was interesting looking across the table at people I respected, but I wasn't so sure they know yet who I am. One thing I learned the last place we lived was to be authentic in our yiddishkeit. Don't try to be something you're not. And don't try not to be something you are.

I am Lubavich, no question about it. I am frum, no question about it. However, I do have quirks that would make some people doubt my authenticity if I put on a persona or a show pretending to be something I am not.

I make no secret of my shyness. I make no excuse for hiding from people for sometimes weeks at a time. It's just one of those quirky things about me. Yiddishkeit is at the center of my being. My relationship with G-d is one of the most turbulent relationships I have. We fight quite often, that's just the way it is. As a result, I withdraw from the community only temporarily until I can muster the strength to step back in, apologize for my absence, and stay engaged for as long as I can. Inevitably, I always get overwhelmed and I withdraw again. People wonder where I go, what I do. Really, I'm just hiding out and busying myself with being a father, a husband, and a spouse. I don't fry out -- I do everything I would do if I were engaged with the community -- I just do it alone.

That being said, I was thinking to myself that the guys around me are truly good guys, and I appreciate that Hashem has brought me to a place where I can develop a trust for those in my community. I also thought to myself that there is nothing that stops me from breaking past my limitations and changing who I am. Today I might be the shy one in the room, tomorrow I could be on the table dancing and singing. Only I can dictate who I am at any moment. I thought that thought was quite profound.

My reflection on how I did on the bar, and what to do now.

2010-02-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'm very relieved to be back at home with my two children and our newborn. Just a week or so ago it seemed so difficult to have everything under control because one was crying or climbing on the table while the other one needed to be changed. Now my wife and I have adopted the "zone defense" strategy. If the new baby is asleep, we assist each other with the two (or one takes care of them and the other takes care of chores or housework, etc. I don't mind the housework; I just do as much as I can (which is certainly helpful) and I leave the hard parts for my wife.) *evil grin*. I'm only half kidding.

In my estimation the bar was a success. I explained to my wife last night that I believe that when I left on Sunday or Monday to the hotel (rather than the Thursday of the week before as planned), that I was [in my own estimation] around 53% ready for the exam (assuming that I needed to be at least 65% ready to pass the exam on this scale). Spending those days at the hotel cramming non-stop and being able to study on my own schedule of when I had energy and relaxing when I didn't, I believe I was able to walk into the exam about 70% prepared.

The first time I took the bar in Colorado, I remember reviewing the bar materials before the exam, and it went like this. I asked myself, "do I know this?" and if I did, I just reviewed it quickly. If it was a topic I wasn't prepared for and it would take a while to learn it, I'd just pass it over and hope I didn't get tested on it. In all sincerity, the day before the exam is not the time to be learning new concepts. If I didn't get it by now, I simply wasn't going to learn it and I'd move on.

So again, the first time around when reviewing my materials when I first took the bar and passed, it went something like this, "know this, know this, I know that, I know that... oops, not sure about that... okay, know this, know this, know this..." This was how I went through my materials the day before the exam.

This time around, it went something like this. "Don't know this, um, understand this but can't remember the elements, know this, know this, don't know this, don't know this, don't know this, oh! I remember this! Okay, know this, didn't know this, etc." In other words, I was not nearly as prepared as I was the first time around.

All this being said, I truly believe that the hotel brought me from a place where I likely would have failed to a place where I can confidently believe that I passed. So now in a few months, I'll be a New York attorney.

Now the question is what to do until then... I suppose I'll take a few needed days to rest and to give my wife the needed brake that she needs. I'll be helpful around the house and will help get our systems in order. I will relax a bit and spend some good time with my kids and will establish for myself a daily routine that has been seriously lacking these past few months that will include things such as minyanim (prayer), shiurim (learning sessions), and working out at the gym.

I'm guessing after the few days of doing this will have passed, I'll start looking for a document review position and will send out resumes for jobs to fill the time gap until I get admitted. The goal is simply to survive and to tie up loose ends. I have a few lawsuits to take care of, to defend against, and to file against those who have done things which I've been meaning to sue over these past few months. A few examples include suing my past landlord for still not returning our security deposit now after 10 months, suing General Motors for not giving the $500 rebate they promised me when I bought our car two years ago (the statute of limitations possibly passed on this one), and defending against the most heinous accusation for which every time today when I stomped my feet and booed when Haman's name was mentioned I could think of nobody else except for the person that filed the false complaint against me.

When I was reading the story of Haman, I couldn't think except to picture the person who did this to us, and I tried many times to distract myself from my feelings of hurt, worry, and betrayal over this slimy piece of garbage. I hope Hashem builds a symbolic tree and holds him up on high making him think he's prevailed so that when the truth comes out about what he did, he will share Haman's fate. Y'machshimo on both of their names.

Naming our newborn child.

2010-02-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

With the quickly approaching deadline in choosing a name for our newborn daughter and with Shabbos coming right around the corner where the baby-naming ceremony was to happen, my wife and I still didn't have a name. Thinking about it, I decided to give in to the name my wife wanted, and I told her that I would be very happy with naming our daughter the name she suggested. As soon as I did that, she told me that she wanted to name our daughter the Yiddish name I suggested because the person I wanted to name her after was my grandmother who I was very close with, but the person she wanted to name her after were names of people up the family tree she never met.

So I went to the baby naming ceremony this morning over the Sabbath and I named our daughter. I'd tell who what we named her, but it would be a fake name anyway, so why bother. ;) The funny thing is that even though I'm not one to give both an English name and a Hebrew name (I think parents should just give one name not to confuse the children with mixed identities) her Hebrew name and English name are identical. But this evening when I looked up how to properly spell the name (because there were so many possible spellings), I realized the name was not a name of its own, but was a contraction of a name COMPLETELY AND UNEXPECTEDLY DIFFERENT than what we named her.

It's like my name here is Zoe. But pretend, in real life I call myself "Zan." Did you know that is short for the name Alexander? I didn't know that until I looked it up. Still don't know what Zoe is a contraction for. I do know it's a girls name too, but hey, that's life. So now we have a name.

Conflicts in naming our daughter.

2010-02-19T14:57:00.000-05:00

Just some ranting about naming our daughter. I'm a bit pissed because I just had a fight with my mom over what my wife and I are deciding to name our daughter. We actually haven't decided on a name, and it is a bit of a tough one this one because I named the first one (boy), she named the second one (girl), and now this third child is a girl, and I feel that my preference should be a preference over her preference because it's my turn. Truthfully, I think EVERY CHILD should come from Nevuah (prophecy), but this time around, neither of us are getting anything... maybe our spiritual antennas are broken. ...and the baby naming would have to be tomorrow in shul, so time is coming upon us.

Personally, I think this "my turn, your turn" thing is silly, but I read it in a Jewish customs book as the halacha when parents are not in agreement what to name the child. Honestly, after the fight I just had with my mom, I want to just give in and name her what my wife wants to name her just to spite my mom.

The fight with my mom revolves around her guilt feelings and negativity about her mother. Her mother was a great woman, and was an amazing grandmother. I was VERY close with her in her life, and I'm sure she's a guiding light for me now in my death. My mom on the other hand has a different story. My grandmother was a very modest woman, and as such, she was very afraid of the Ayin Hara (the evil eye) and thus she never spoke well of my mom in public. This damaged her in many ways, filling her with lots of guilt for many years to come, even after her death. Oh, and she was great at the Jewish guilt thing with my mom; it never really affected me because I'm just a SOB so I never really cared when someone gave me a guilt trip.

Anyway, I was persuading my wife lovingly for the past few months to consider my grandfather's name, and it finally succeeded and that was what we were going to call this one, but then whoops! It was a girl! Honestly I don't think I have an argument here because she was going to go along with me, and now I lost my chance because we got the gender wrong.

That didn't stop me from asking my wife to consider my grandmother's name, a Yiddish name. Now if you know Israelis, they HATE Yiddish names. It's just not authentic to them, and having such a strong Jewish identity being tied to the State of Israel, Israelis hate those with Yiddish descent because they feel inferior to them. Me? I'm American. I come from a Yiddish speaking heritage, but it hasn't been in our family for three generations -- I brought it back when I became religious and it's become a part of us since.

The problem is that my wife is very Sabra. I mean VERY Israeli - like with a dark-olive-skinned Israeli mentality on a lot of things. That's great and all, but we're an American Lubavich family, not an Israeli one (custom goes according to the father, and I've set the custom a certain way long before I even met my wife - a weak argument, yes, but custom is custom.) I don't think I have a drop of Israeli blood in me, and I'm not so excited about the culture either way. I feel that our family should represent who we are and who we represent ourselves to be. We are not an Israeli family; we never were, we never will be. Anyway, all this being said, I think she should respect my wishes and I should respect hers and so probably both names should be out and we should come up with something together.

Last, but not least, I suppose my greatest consideration in bending towards my wife's wishes is that firstly, it is not fair to push on her a name she doesn't like, even though she should make an effort to become amicable towards it because she's my wife and she owes a duty to me to do so, but second of all, I feel that my wife has had a very difficult past few months with me, or so it seems from the way she describes things. As such, with all the extraneous factors, I feel that I owe her for her sacrifices with regard to her time in spending every moment with the kids, the diaper changing (as she reminds me about almost daily), the being absent due to all the frustrations we've had these past few years, firstly in working over an hour away from the home in our previous state leaving her stranded with our son, and secondly, after now moving to New York, where I haven't stranded her one bit and she's been closer to her friends and her family than she has ever been, but where I have been absent either emotionally, or physically by being on some crazy document review position or another, or studying for the bar exam which has essentially left her as a single mom for months now and she's tired of it.

I'm completely negating my own feelings here and my own needs which have not been met as a husband, such as being appreciated and having my work acknowledged, and having her understand that times have been very tough and in spite of being laid off and fired from my job many months ago, I have provided for her and for our family QUITE WELL given the circumstances as they have presented themselves for us. For me, I feel that this move to New York has been one heartbreak after another, and I've been more stressed than I ever was. I have changed career paths more times in one year than most people do in a lifetime. I have gone full force into becoming an engineer to augment my patent attorney license; I have gone full force into being a patent litigation attorney until I was cheated by the guy I was working for; I spent months in a document review job where most of the time, I left the house before my kids woke up, took the subways for over an hour, and then I got home exhausted and literally tormented from the terrible people working with me. Then came the whole cramming for the NY Bar Exam thing which has taken me away from my family for months. I feel that each of these has been a huge sacrifice that should be appreciated every day.

However, all this being said, I ignore all this and I'm likely going to side with my wife if we cannot come up with a name, and so we'll end up having our girl with some name that would make an American cringe, and I'll make myself love it.

My new world view: ROLLING WITH THINGS AS THEY COME MY WAY.

2010-02-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should wait a day or so before posting more, but the birth of this new baby has given me a new view of the world. I've worked so hard to fight against all the adversity up until now, but I think I'm going to adopt the "roll with it" mentality where anything goes, and anything that comes my way is within my power to deal with, and if not, no big deal.

Prior to today, I was of the worldview of "we've made XYZ decisions in the direction we want to go in life, and I will get very upset at any force that diverts us from this decided-upon direction."

What this means is that I no longer know for sure that I'll pass the New York bar exam. I studied profusely, but limited to my capabilities due to my surroundings, my responsibilities as a father and as a husband, and my environment. After the Barbri classes in the city ended, I set out a modest plan of the minimum I would need to accomplish to walk into the bar exam prepared. Then when that minimum didn't happen, I made the SEVEN DAY PLAN of essentials (a sort of triage of what I wanted to cover at a minimum due to my limited time constraints) which turned into a FIVE DAY PLAN. Then when I realized that Friday was a half day of studying because of Shabbos, and Shabbos itself was one of the five days, I realized that the plan was really a THREE DAY CRASH COURSE PLAN giving me a minimum competency in the areas in which I needed to cover at a triage-type of bare minimum.

Then last night, our baby girl was born and I was UNABLE TO STUDY AT ALL TODAY, killing 1/3 of my three-day plan. To add to that I need to watch the kids all day tomorrow and run errands such as driving probably an hour to see my wife and to pick up flowers and so on, so my half day of tomorrow is pretty much shot. The hotel canceled my reservation because I didn't check in today, so I no longer have a hotel near the bar exam as I did prior to today, and that hotel does not allow check-ins on Sunday because nobody is there that day -- one of the funky things about those extended-stay hotels that allow you to book a room on a weekly basis rather than a nightly one. So first thing Sunday morning, I'll go online and see if anything is available, and if I can't find anything, I'll drive down and will find a room by eyeballing what is available. It no longer makes sense to pay for a week when there's a new baby and I'd only be able to use the room SUNDAY-WEDNESDAY, four of the seven days I would have paid for. This is just G-d pointing me in the right direction.

In sum, I have SUNDAY to study, and MONDAY to review. Not sure what I can do with that time, but this is what it is. I'll try to do some issue spotting for fun over Shabbos, but I doubt I'll have the chance with our new baby holding my attending and our wonderful two other children who will be needing my love now more than ever.

THUS, I HAVE DECIDED TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE and to roll with whatever comes my way. I will do my best, but I cannot guarantee results other than me promising to do my best with whatever time I have available. Similarly with everything else. I'll roll with it all. No promises that if someone throws punches I won't fire back with a few of my own. ;)

2010-02-18T15:18:00.000-05:00

As I was writing the previous blog, my wife delivered a beautiful baby... GIRL!

I called the hotel and left a message asking them if I could postpone my reservation so that I can check in on Sunday rather than today. That way I can spend Shabbos with my newly augmented family.

-ZS

In delivery room now with wife having our baby (yes, the bris if its a boy will be on DAY 3 of the NY bar exam.)

2010-02-18T15:00:00.000-05:00

We are literally days away from the bar exam, and I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room down the hall from the delivery room where my wife is sharing our third baby with the world. She's giving birth now as we speak.

Until now (and even up to and including last night), I was really worried that she might have a boy, and being Jewish, that would mean that his circumcision (being on the 8th day) would fall out on the day of my NY BAR EXAM. This has been a joke between us. "Don't have a baby on the Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday before the bar exam, or else I might have to miss it because of the bris." Of course, this has only been a joke until last night, when at 3am, I heard her talking to her doctor on the phone.

I half thought to myself that if I went back to sleep that she wouldn't want to wake me and she'd go back to sleep too and she'd have the baby another day. Haha no dice. We went to the hospital at 4am this morning because she was having regular contractions. Now, almost 10 hours later (it's been a long, but calm labor), she's doing the final pushing. Why am I not in the delivery room with her? Because we're in Niddah, silly! Chassidic Jewish men don't watch the births of their children. (This is probably why we have so many of them - we don't have the image of the crowning burned into our brains and so when our wives heal, we see them in the same way we've always seen them -- just like the day we were married.)

Anyway, so if it's a boy (and we both think it will be a boy), the bris will fall out on DAY 3 of my bar exam. If that is the case, I will have to have the bris NEXT THURSDAY before DAY 3 of my bar exam. I don't know how this can work out because I would have to stay up the night before saying tehillim, and we would have to have it early early in the morning (or perhaps the evening beforehand? is that even done? I have to call my rav) and then I would have to drive as fast as I can to the bar exam around an hour away from our house. Next Thursday is also TAANAS ESTHER, a FAST DAY (to add to the interesting details of the day).

With all this, I can't deny that this was all G-d's plan. It was his plan for us to move to Crown Heights. It was his plan for me to have the bad experiences I did these past few months. It was his plan for me to be sued causing me weeks of trembling nervousness on top of having to study for the bar exam, and lastly, (if it's a boy), it'll have been his plan to have the bris next Thursday on Taanis Esther and Day 3 of my bar exam. I'm rolling with all this. I don't know what will come of it, or how it will turn out, but I'm calm now that it's no longer in my hands.

...I wonder if this means that I'll have to withdraw from the bar exam altogether. I wonder why everything has happened exactly as it has. Oh well, this is our life. Baruch Hashem!

One question I have for the ladies and happily married men out there -- I was supposed to check into a hotel this afternoon (Thursday afternoon) and stay there until the end of my bar exam next Thursday. Now that the baby will have been born, I'm no longer leaving a pregnant wife, but a wife with two children and a new baby. The plan so far has been that we're all moving into her parent's house 10 minutes away from our apartment for the next few days so that they can help her with the new baby. What I'm wondering however is whether I should cancel the hotel or postpone checking in (regardless of whether I'd lose money) until, say, after Shabbos, or until Sunday or Monday. The bar is Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. What do you think? What kind of man would I be if tonight I drove off to the hotel to study? Truthfully, I really NEED to study, and I completely lost today's study day because I've been at the hospital all day. I fear that I won't pass without going. ...but if it's a boy, I might not be able to take the bar anyway if I can't arrange for the bris to work out.

Please share your thoughts.

-Zoe

...gotta run. The nurses have called me back into the room. Delivery is complete!

I want to be a government agent.

2010-02-15T01:33:00.002-05:00

Today was a hugely productive day. I made a makeshift desk in between my wife's bed and my bed using a wooden insert that we leave out of the dining room table because it makes the room too small. I studied all day without pause, and by the time nightfall arrived, I was happy with my accomplishment.

I do not know whether I will pass the bar, but I will do everything in my power to better my chances without losing my sense of humanity. I might be a post-graduate law student, but I'm still a human being.

This evening I watched the pilot episode from season one of Alias. I've been thinking about it for some time now, and so I decided to go online to see if anyone has it available to watch. I was so excited throughout the first episode that after it was over, I noticed four burn marks across the base of my thumb from the heatsync on my laptop which has a tendency to overheat. It's not painful and it will probably fade in time, but it combined with the show gave me a powerful feeling that I don't have to be ordinary. There are people who do exciting things, and I wouldn't mind being the type of person who kept secrets. I already do, so what would be the big change if I did it for a career? My whole life is one big secret.

The hardest thing to come to grips about is that I am (and I emphasize am) a nobody. I have few friends, and even they are spread around the world living different lives than I am. My life is that of a religious reject with a law degree who doesn't like his surroundings and who doesn't connect with the people around him. I'm an actor standing in the role of my life, and for the benefit of those around me, I am happy to be in the lives of those who have dedicated their lives to being part of my family. I love my wife. I would be empty without her. I care deeply for her, and I think about her all the time. That doesn't mean that it wouldn't be nice to have some action in my life.

The fact that the highlight of my life as it is now is showing up in a room with a bunch of men who read words off of a page and sway back and forth in prayer kills me. I cannot believe THIS is my goal in life - to be one of them. Spiritually, I need more. I read some time ago that from a Jewish perspective, meditation is for someone who needs meditation. A healthy functioning person shouldn't feel the need for meditation. You know what, however? I feel the need to meditate.

On another level, I'm bored with the opportunities as they have presented themselves to me, and I'm bored even with the goals and dreams I have set for myself because I feel they are so limited and mindless. I want to be an attorney, woo hoo, great goal. I accomplished it long ago. I want to work in a law firm... WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

I want danger. I want risk. I want skills that I use on a daily basis. I want to be like a sharp scalpel in my practice. I want what I do to matter. I want out from all these laws and rules in life. I want to speak with people in foreign countries in foreign languages about something important and secret. I want to live an adventurous life. I want to gather information, identify issues, make inferences, take action like a government agency such as NSA does. I want to know who or what Echelon is. I want to understand what Einstein 2 is, and I want to be one of the people who directs projects and missions. There's something that separates a regular ignorant on the street and someone in the know. I want to be in the know.

Complaining about bar-study conditions.

2010-02-12T13:26:00.001-05:00

I wanted to take a moment to write about my feelings about my studying for the bar and about things that are going on.

Firstly, I have been going to Starbucks to study; I'm here now taking a 5-minute break (really a 10 minute one) before resuming my studies. I am freaking out that we are getting so DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to the bar exam, and that there are SO MANY TOPICS THAT I KNOW I DO NOT KNOW! The last time I studied for a bar exam, I was still single and I had full mobility and er, sovereignty to move and study when and where I wanted to. Now, I'm limited by my family constraints which really KILL my ability to effectively study.

First of all, I can't study in the morning until after 9am when I drop my kids off to school (or my wife more frequently does) because even if I woke up in the morning, the kids wake up before I do and I can get NOTHING done when they're around. Secondly, now that I'm here at Starbucks, I've gotten a good 2.5 hours of studying done, but in half an hour, I'll need to pack up and leave because my wife needs the car to pick up our son.

I really have violated my own rules and guidelines that I set for myself to study for the bar. First of all, I promised myself that I would go to morning Barbri classes. After class, I would have lunch, and then study for around 5 hours and be home in time for dinner. This NEVER EVEN ONCE happened.

After my morning class, I ALWAYS CAME HOME so that my wife can have the car. Then when I was home at 12pm, I never got even a chance to study until 4:30pm. How? Well, I got home at 12pm, spoke to my wife a bit, printed some documents, ate some lunch, and then it was 2:30pm when my wife picked up our son. It wasn't until 4:30pm that I could get out of the house at the earliest, and even then, most of the time I stayed home trying to study at home (usually unsuccessfully causing a fight between me and my wife in the process). I studied the best I could and come seven or eight o'clock when the kids were finally asleep, I never studied even once.

More common was this schedule. I woke up in the morning, waited until 8:30a until my wife dropped our son off at school. Then when she returned at 9am, I went to Starbucks until 1pm getting three hours of work done (and wasting another hour trying to get the computer to work, or to pack up and unpack the computer and everything every time I needed to take a bathroom break (which was quite frequent because coffee goes right through me)). Then at 1:30pm I arrived home and didn't get out of the house until 4pm because I had to pack dinner, take a shower, help a bit with the kids, etc. 4:30pm I would actually end up in the car, and 5pm I would arrive at the Starbucks, but only with an hour before my 6pm Barbri class (most of the time I would go at night). I would stand on line, buy coffee, drive to class, park, and head in. I would usually sit down around 5:30pm and 30 minutes is not enough to do anything, so I would review my notes or browse the web until class started. After class, I'd come home at 9:30pm-9:45pm every day, and my brain would be fried. I'd try to review my notes, but shortly afterwords, I'd sit down and watch an episode of 24 or Lost or something with my wife and the night would be over.

I really feel there was not enough time to study for this exam. I set out so many tasks which I felt were BASIC FUNDAMENTAL NEEDED ACTIVITIES to simply PASS (not to excel), including 1) GETTING MY NOTES IN ORDER, 2) REVIEWING MY NOTES, 3) DOING THE ASSIGNED PRACTICE QUESTIONS, 4) DOING ESSAYS, and I almost never got past item 2 (until two weeks ago when I said "to hell with the notes; I'm doing practice questions and essays!" -- well, to date, I've done many questions but not in all topics and I still have so much to do, and I HAVEN'T EVEN APPROACHED THE ESSAYS OR THE MPT. I also have two classes to make up which I'll have to do online. Luckily, they're not main classes. I also have a number of classes where the notes are only half completed, and family law, where I haven't even begun.

I'm feeling so helpless, and I wish I could check into a hotel and get away for more than a few days before the exam. This coming Thursday, I'm checking into a hotel, but thinking about it, maybe I can arrange to get away as early as Sunday. The problem is that my wife is about to give birth any day, so this is a HIGHLY STRESSFUL TIME and I don't know what to do, whether to stay, whether to go, what to do, etc. I wish things were easier. I wish I weren't in New York where it takes me forever to get from my apartment to anywhere I can study. I lose so much time taking the train or driving around; I wish I had a desk in my home and a door I can close so that I don't have to lose 30 minutes at a time every time I have to run to the restroom.

Estranged also from myself.

2010-02-10T01:39:00.003-05:00

Negativity drains me like someone shooting me with a Taser gun. I also hate complaining all day long because I am a trooper and a fighter, but you poor souls who have the curse of reading my blog get to hear all the "poor me" wah wah comments and postings. Sometimes I feel that if I could step out of my body I would turn around and slap myself for all my sad thoughts. There must be something so deeply wrong with me going way back to my childhood or not that has me so darn bent on seeing the world as evil and hopeless.

Tonight after my Barbri class ended early, I wanted to take some time and watch this week's episode of the Bachelor. I really wanted to see Jake with the families because I think seeing a woman with her family is a real indicator as to the quality person you have. This surprises me because I really like my wife's parents, and if my wife and I ended up like them, I wouldn't be sad in the least bit. However, let's just leave it that I ask G-d every day that I have the chance to find out what it would be like to make it to their age and still be married.

Let's switch back to the Bachelor for a moment. Everybody there is so infatuated with everyone, and I don't think any of them are in love with the other. I think they are in love with themselves, and how the other person makes them feel. Today when I saw Ali come to Jake and say, "I can't choose between you or my job," I knew it was over because IF IT WAS EVEN A QUESTION then the relationship is OVER. Now she's the whiny bitch drama queen who needs to just pretend she never met Jake because she's stupid for letting the "other love of her life -- her job" get in between the "love" (yeah, right) between her and Jake. For this reason alone I don't think she was ready to get married, and between us, I think this job thing was just used as an excuse to bow out of the show without getting kicked off of the show. People like us who have negativity oozing out never fool those around us for long; it always seeps out and destroys everyone around us if we're not careful.

Now back to my wife. I really wanted to watch this last episode of the Bachelor, and I knew my wife wasn't expecting me back from my Barbri class for another two hours, but tonight we had the MPT class and we ended with almost two hours to spare. I had internet access and headphones where I was, and even if they kicked me out, the Starbucks down the street had internet access and a couch and I totally could have disappeared for two hours and nobody would have known. However, I wanted to be kind to my wife who was home with the kids, and even if they were likely already asleep, I still couldn't chance the fact that she might be having a hard time and it would be just my luck if the day I decide to pull something like sneaking away to watch a show on Hulu is the one day she needs me (and my phone was dead so she couldn't reach me), so I went home.

Every night when I've come home, my wife was watching a show online using the slow computer (the one that barely functions because I took hers when mine went into the shop almost two weeks ago). I thought that I would watch the show (I already saw the first half while eating lunch, so I didn't think it was a big deal) so I asked her if she could continue watching her show for half an hour and then I'll give her the good laptop computer (this one is pitifully slow too, but at least it works like it should) but she refused and insisted that we trade and she get the good computer. Still in good cheer, I gave her the good computer thinking that she would ask me to join her on whatever she was watching.

Instead, she turned on Facebook and started playing Farmville, a game I DESPISE because I think it's the biggest brain-drain in the universe and it's a waste of time. Plus, she could have done that with my old slow computer. She didn't need mine (well, hers, but mine until after the bar) to play Farmville. I immediately got really upset and probably because I was highly caffeinated (I had around 5 strong coffees the hours beforehand because I spent most of the day at Starbucks studying), my blood boiled and I could have spit fire again. Instead, I grabbed a huge bag of pistachio nuts and munched away at it while watching Brian Williams on MSNBC (I don't know why I feel compelled to watch this news every night -- I am always disappointed by the lack of content) with the frame skipping making the video not watchable but I didn't care. It was either that or lose my temper.

I felt that I was kind for coming home. I felt that I was kind for offering my wife my computer. i felt betrayed that when I gave, she took, leaving me in the dirt. What did I expect? If you give, you expect the person you give to to take. I don't know why I was so angry that she didn't let me watch the Bachelor, and I don't know why I fumed over her choosing to go on Facebook rather than do something together with me after I just went through so much conflict to NOT watch the show before I came home. In my good graces (which means my warped mind) I even considered spending time with her until she went to sleep an hour or so later and then I would watch my show. But she hogged the computer I gave her and I felt she was selfish.

Instead of popping or breathing fire, I put my headphones on, went into our bedroom and listened to a Holosync Awakening Prologue session. I don't know that this does anything for me, but I've been playing a game with myself trying to see if I can get through it without falling asleep. Tonight I was so upset and angry that I stayed awake throughout the whole session. In hindsight, I did have a mind-altering experience in that I stayed awake, but in a meditative state which is an accomplishment for me, but I couldn't get over being so angry.

What frustrated me the most is that it was over something so small, tiny, and stupid. I visualized 100 times my wife climbing into my bed and giving me a hug being oblivious to the anger I had for her this night and me telling her in a nasty voice to go to hell. I went back and forth in my mind during the Holosync session whether to just drop the anger and the fight because it was over something so stupid, and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't worth the hurt to our relationship to get all worked up over something like this.

I awoke from the Holosync session (well, it ended and I lied there on the bed for a few moments feeling that my wife was still awake and was looking at me), folded up the earphones, and walked out of the room without looking back. I softly closed the door behind me and I wondered, "did she know I was so angry tonight? Did I hurt her tonight? Have I done damage to our relationship?" I visualized my daughter older coming up to me and asking, "Daddy, why did you leave us?" I couldn't imagine being a divorced father with just visitation rights and in my short hiatus into my mind, I abandoned my children thinking that a clean break would be better for them than a father that was not able to be a father to them. I cried inside my mind over my divorce and over the loss of my children. I then wanted to go back into the bedroom and kiss my wife, but I was still angry at her and I heard her snoring so I didn't want to wake her.

All in all, I really hope I don't damage my marriage or my relationship with all this emotion and anger, and I really pray that this difficult time pass and that we get a chance to be a family and that my wife and I get a chance to open up to each other (since I feel as if we've been estranged for some time), and all this extra pressure of having charges filed against me, having to defend myself against the NY Character & Fitness Board, and losing all of our unemployment and having absolutely no money come in -- well, I wish it would all go away and that I can be a successful attorney with a happy wife and a healthy home.

PS - To my new father friend also taking the bar exam (Matt), you shouldn't be spending your time reading this blog. It'll kill your time, it'll poison your mind, and it'll distract you from doing what you really should be doing instead of reading this... you should be either studying for the bar exam or doing kind acts for your wife and your children, not reading my warped misogynist thoughts.

Fuming, but really nobody's fault except my own for trying to study in my apartment with my wife and the kids screaming.

2010-02-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

[I wrote this a few days ago but am only posting this now.] About five minutes ago, I was so angry that I could spit fire. Today is my first "crunch" day in studying for the bar. I loaded up my schedule to the brim giving myself tasks to do from 7am until 11pm -- things Barbri say I need to complete to be prepared for the bar. Since I'm one that believes in following the system to get predicted results, I almost passed out trying to keep up with the things I assigned to myself. I concluded that I couldn't finish everything, but I'll do my best and circle the tasks I didn't get to. As I get more efficient in the coming days, I'll pick up what I couldn't do today.

So my wife took the kids out to her parents all day -- this was wonderful in that she was making time for me to study and to stick to my new schedule. A few minutes before 7am, she kicked me out of bed and reminded me that I needed to get going and I did. From then until around 6:30pm, I was going full force. Then at 6:30pm, she came home and I was in the middle of my recorded lecture online.

Barbri has this funky thing that you're only allowed to listen to six make-up videos, and if you lose a connection or shut your window and listen to the same one again, that counts as if you've listened to another video, even though it's the same video your counter was already dinged for. I was listening on my broken laptop which can't be unplugged to move into another room or else it goes into hibernation mode and I lose my internet connection (and I get dinged again when I start the video back up). My wife knew I was scheduled tonight to listen to a makeup class video from 6pm - 9pm and I was under the impression that she would put the kids to bed at her parents house and watch the superbowl with them since they're all into that kind of stuff. Nope. 6:30pm she came home, and I was 1 hour into the video (I started early because I wanted to end early). I had to keep the video on pause (and I actually lost the connection costing me an extra makeup class ding) and I didn't get to return to the video until after 8:30pm when the kids finally fell asleep.

I was fuming mad, so mad that my face made angry grimaces and I couldn't control my fuming. I was so angry that my blood boiled, so much so that I am sure that I knocked at least a few months off of my life from the bodily damage I caused through the burning flames of my anger. I want to use a stronger word for flames, but I can't think of any -- plumes, flumes, fumes, whatever. Substitute it for flames in that last sentence and you'll get an idea of how angry I was. I am sure I even popped a few blood vessels in my face from being angry.

I won't go into how ironic it is that I'm able to hold back my anger even though at one point my right hand started shaking and I made a fist and let out a large breath of air that could have burned a hole in the wall eight feet across from me.

All in all, this is just one of the many experiences I had where my wife worked hard to accommodate my studying needs, but fell short which screwed me over because I lost some piece of studying that would have gotten done if she didn't interrupt me by coming home early or by some other distraction BUT WAIT! I don't fault her for this because she HAS been trying really hard to help me have time to study, and there are certain things that are simply out of her control. If she's at her parents and its getting late and the kids are screaming, she HAS TO COME HOME and if I'm there, tough luck on me.

The advice I give to other fathers taking the bar is... get as far away from your home as possible. When you are physically in your home, be 100% present, be at home, and don't think about or do any studying for the bar. If you need to study, pack up and leave for however many hours you need to study. It's not your wife's fault if you can't focus at home because she has no control over the kids, and if she's helping you out by watching them many hours a day to help you study, then she may physically not be able to go all the way to meet your study expectations.

The week before the bar, I'll be going alone to one of those cheapo hotels that have a bed, a desk, and internet access, and I'll be staying there until after the exam. It's a tough prospect to separate myself from my wife for that long, but really, I need the separation to focus and learn as much as I need to. Since my exam is at the Javits Center, I found a place right outside the city that is able to accommodate my needs.

James Ray, the Secret, and a waste of your time reading this.

2010-02-05T01:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, how I'm doing personally. BTW, I think it sucks that Blogger took away my ability to post pictures in my blogs. Now there is just text which can lead to a visually unstimulating blog page. But who cares. My readership these days is near zero anyway.

I've been Zoe Strickman now online for almost 5 years now. I was wondering what would happen if from time to time I decided to take Zoe out for a ride in reality and start creating a character on the street with that name. You know, open a few accounts under that name, start doing business with this name, write a few books, etc. Of course, I would do this legally and I wouldn't break any laws, but then again, BYE BYE ANONYMITY. BTW, I wonder whether my wife would enjoy going on a date with Zoe rather than me. ;) Maybe I can form him into a character that is different from me -- dressing different, speaking differently, acting differently, etc. Wouldn't that be fun to sometime be Zoe and sometimes be me?

Okay, down to business... my personal life. I've been reading about how James Ray (apparently the author of the Secret and some wealth book I have in my bookshelf unread) was arrested for a few deaths and hospitalizations that occurred at his seminar. I have no opinion of him except that he's a self-help self-proclaimed guru, and he's no Anthony Robbins (who I still have a deep affection for, even though I haven't seen him in almost ten years now). There was a time that I wanted to be Tony. I acted like him, I thought like him, and I emulated him. Well, everything except his wrecked marriage and bubbly personality. Sorry, I'm too cynical for that. I wanted to BE him, and I have no doubt or regrets that I could have. Although, I have no confidence in myself and no believe that I would have succeeded, because in my eyes, I never succeed at anything. I do a lot, and I accomplish so much, but I never succeed at anything. Somewhere along the line I always hit some wall which stops me from reaping the benefits from what I sowed. That's an argument I have against G-d, and I can't believe he'd tell me, "well, if you davened and put tefilin on every day like I told you too and you guarded your thoughts you would have everything you set out to accomplish." BOLLUCKS. I did the religious thing with full devotion and with careful attention to detail and I still kept hitting the wall. I fought my yetzer hara and my evil inclinations. I prayed every day, put on tefillin, learned Torah and circled myself with truly religious people. But I never succeeded, and in truth, I broke my promise to G-d so I have nobody to blame except for myself.

I'm not going to defend myself. I still keep taharas hamishpacha, I still daven although certainly not regularly, I say every beracha and after beracha, I learn Torah each week (although not regularly), I keep kosher, Shabbat, and halacha (except the do not steal part). Maybe from a spiritual perspective I kill and murder too. I'm angry all the time and I'm sick in the head because it's a piece of cake for my imagination to feel as real as reality, but that's all between me and G-d. Nobody is ever harmed by me, I watch my tongue and my actions, I think kind thoughts, and that is the end of my explanation.

As for the bar, I'm a nervous wreck. So many topics to learn, so much to do, but not enough time to do it all. I could throw blame at my family for this, but really if I point a finger it should be at myself for not having the discipline to do more than I already have. Anyone who sees me, however, will think this is preposterous because I'm always studying. I could always be better, be more efficient, waste less time, and devote my energies more than I have. Then I'd be superhuman.

From a psychological perspective, I am daunted by the world I am sure I created around me. I feel as if my failures are from my own actions and are consequences of my habitual thoughts and if I changed my thoughts, my reality would change as well. I cannot and would never want to think away the people in my life (except the son-of-a-bitch who will get what is coming to him one day) because I feel as if my wife and children are my biggest accomplishments, and I should hope that I am my wife's biggest accomplishment. There is so much both right and wrong and I see my own responsibility for each negative and positive. I could have (and still can) make my life so much different; I could move our life in such a different direction than the horrible apparent poverty that we live in. It's just such an oxymoron that when I am working, I'm making close to 6 figures, and when I'm not, I'm making zero. My income last year was close to $60K which is very surprising considering that I was unemployed 6 months out of last year and am still unemployed to date (although now we're no longer receiving ANY income, not even unemployment, and we're digging into every penny saved just to pay the basic bills) and yet with ALL THIS, I have child number three due in just a few weeks.

My head is swirling in the fact that if things aren't tough as they are, we'll have one more set of diapers to always be buying; one more mouth to feed; one more beating heart to share our unending and limitless love with. I feel lucky that my wife and I are a team. Our family couldn't make it without her, or at the very least, I would have needed many many months ago to become someone very different from who I have become leading towards today.

Alright, I feel as if I have let you down because I don't think this post is very telling, insightful, or meaningful. I've probably repeated myself yet again to your boredom. I am sorry for letting you down.

Privacy, VPN tunneling, and Evidence

2010-02-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

As if I wasn't obsessive enough about privacy and anonymity, my heart palpitations based on a fear that this son-of-a-bitch will get an e-mail from Google every time I post something have caused me to fear doing anything on the web without severe encryption and VPN access through multiple countries. Especially with Google's news today that they're teaming up with the NSA, I think to myself, "well, if covering my tracks and staying private wasn't important before, it just became a priority." My wife thinks that if I'm not doing anything wrong then there's no reason to hide my tracks, but I disagree using the current accusation against me in point. This SOB took bits of information scattered around the web about me and pasted together a story and an accusation. If I didn't have proof to the contrary, and if I didn't have proof that HE KNEW to the contrary, I could have wound up in jail!

So it gives me a slight chuckle that every time now that I log onto blogger.com, it welcomes me in German, Dutch, or some other language. Tunneling through an encrypted VPN really slows down my connection, but in cases such as this one where it says, "last logged in from 124.22.23.58" (or whatever IP address), this concerns me because I *KNOW* that if I were on the other side monitoring my own connection, I could say, "Okay, Zoe logged onto his e-mail from this address, and someone from that same address (must be him) also logged onto this other user on Blogger. This frumpter account must be his [not so] anonymous account that he's using." Whatever, nobody is likely going to do this, but if I -- a semi-techy hacker-type of regular guy -- can think of how easy it is to do this AND I own both Google, Blogger, and so many other services used by my subscribers, YOU BET YOUR ASS I WOULD BE LINKING ACCOUNTS BASED ON WHICH IP ADDRESSES LOGGED ONTO THEM.

Anyway, while I should be preparing for the bar exam (and I am full force), I spent much of yesterday and today gathering evidence into one orderly place. I also filed a response to the accusation, and so we'll see what happens. I believe there is a strong likelihood that I'll have to hire an attorney eventually, but for now, my actions cooperating with the authorities are innocuous. I really didn't have anything incriminating that I had to worry about, and so I wrote out a reply and sent it in. Really, I am not at a place where we can afford a lawyer at this point, but then again, we are really at a place where we cannot afford NOT to get a lawyer should this thing move to the next level and a criminal investigation be filed. At this point, it seems as if everybody is just gathering evidence and so there was nothing to hide.

So that is the update on my main worry of the day; I'll post this and write something more personal following this.

What I value in a relationship with my wife based on a conversation about me watching "The Bachelor" on Hulu.com.

2010-02-03T03:22:00.000-05:00

Now my thoughts about other matters. My wife chides me that I enjoy watching TV shows such as "The Bachelor", but I find the interactions between the characters quite telling of real life. There is so much to human interactions that even if everything looks good on paper, it might still not feel right. The chemistry might not be there.

I also enjoy the quite obvious theme of "what do you get when you squeeze an orange?" ANSWER: ORANGE JUICE! 'What about if you squeeze an apple?" ANSWER: APPLE JUICE! Moral of the story, when a person gets squeezed, what EVENTUALLY COMES OUT is WHAT IS INSIDE. I see these girls with such perfect-looking exteriors break down with their inner insecurities. I see honest people get caught lying and have to face the consequences of having to be asked to leave the show. And then I see hated people like Vienna who everyone dislikes be shown kindness even in the face of being accused from every side. What made me smile tonight while watching the latest episode is that I felt that she let her insecurities slip when she went to visit whoever the guy is in bed. I loved it when he felt uncomfortable and he sent her upstairs. Jake I believe is his name.

In other words, what people are can never be hidden indefinitely by a facade. Eventually the truth ALWAYS comes out. This comforts me because I feel that life would vindicate me if what is inside really came outside to be viewed by all. I don't think that I hide much. I certainly hide stuff, no doubt. But not much. At least if my insides were exposed, people would see that I have a good heart. There's not much beyond that that I have to fear. Yes, I used "that" twice in the last sentence on purpose.

Then i think about my wife. My blatantly rough and honest wife who I can trust. our relationship is nothing like what I see on TV, but we both work very hard and are just trying to make due with what has been given to us in terms of skills, blessings, and opportunities. It still phases me that I can rarely get a read on what my wife is thinking, but it occurred to me tonight that this is only because after three years of marriage, she has not yet opened up to me. She has not yet learned to lower her guard, and she has not learned to be vulnerable and open around me. Even though this is a serious violation in my values in what I expect out of a husband-wife relationship, and even though there are other serious complaints I have about our marriage such as the distance we share from each other and lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy, the one deep bond that I can rely on her for is that she is honest and she is faithful to our relationship and to our family. I suppose there is nothing more needed in a relationship than that, and all my other complaints are silenced because I wouldn't trade these traits for the others that I sometimes miss.

Anyway, again, the second watch of the evening is upon us, and thus I must force myself to give up my streaming evening thoughts and I will force myself to retire to my bed listening with headphones to my holosync audios as I fall asleep to awaken to yet another very difficult day in a stream of many difficult days, weeks, and months. Life will get better, because everything changes eventually.

False accusations, lies, and bearing false witness.

2010-02-03T02:52:00.002-05:00

I have been trying each day and every moment not to think about what has been done to us, and while some moments I am able to distract myself, other moments just haul me right back into the feelings of hurt and violation from the objectively innocuous but malicious attack that has transpired. I will consciously not think about it again, but I will post about it after the intended posting of this article (either at the bottom or in a separate article). The injury, however, is still too fresh and so I am not sure how much I can share, and I am not being mysterious or dramatic on purpose.

Oh hell, I'll talk about it now, and let's see what comes of this.

Naturally, I am not the most politically correct person. In real life, I am rough around the edges, I speak my mind, and I am honest (apparently to my detriment here). I used to believe that if I am forthcoming, authentic, and if I have integrity, people would respect me. I've always wanted to be seen when I get older as one of those rough lumberjack-like mentalities who have a very clear and set way about me, and where every bone in my body was real and even though people may not like me, they trust me that I wouldn't deceive them.

But I find that this kind of honest person does not operate well in this world; he is at a significant disadvantage because people all around him are scheming to hurt him, to trick him, to attack him, or to nudge him to reveal the dishonesty that MUST be under his rough skin. "Every man has skeletons in his closet," people think, but mine are not the kind that people suspect.

If you saw me on the street, whether or not I thought you were likable or whether I thought you were garbage, I would still smile and give you real kindness. I'd say hello and I'd mean it. I would not share my thoughts with you about you, but if you asked, I'd tell you what I was thinking. Being a bit more broad in my description, I do stick out of a crowd as being smarter, wiser, better, possibly more virtuous than those around me. This is not my intent, but it's the reality of it and even though I NEVER BOAST about my qualities (I mean in person, not here on the blog or in my thoughts), people very often feel put off by me, and they often think that I think that I am so much better than them and it really pains me to say that too often, they are right.

Apparently, I stepped on someone's ego. Instead of shaking it off, this person went violent on me and my reputation, but he didn't stop there. He gathered tenuous evidence and made false accusations about me about things that he knew not to be true. He filed complaints with government agencies charging me with crimes I did not commit and that I have proof that I did not commit, but now the livelihood and integrity of my family is now at risk because my reputation is at risk. The kind of things he accused me of will always be with me, and if asked about, even if I am found not guilty, I will always have been accused of it.

It digs into my chest like a knife that this person did this for the sole purpose of causing me emotional harm. I think if and when he reads this blog, he will have immense satisfaction knowing that he has caused me pain. I have vomited over being accused of this, and I have felt dizzy, shaky, nauseous, and light-headed since I found out about it. I cry privately over this, because the aggravation I am feeling now that I have to hire a lawyer and defend myself right in the middle of studying for the NY bar; it is unthinkable. NY's character and fitness board has even contacted me and told me that if I am found guilty, I might not be admitted into the state. All this while I have been doing nothing except what I should be doing -- studying for the bar exam.

Here is my source of calm. I learned a long time ago from a woman who troubled me to no end but taught me more than I could ever acknowledge that everybody is dishonest, trust nobody, and document everything. I learned to keep records of everything with dates on every page of paper. My source of calm is that I keep records, and I can prove that his claims are incorrect. However, this being said, I cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt that his circumstantial evidence is not sufficient to have these agencies take action against me and I am lucky I do not have to. However, I have not yet been formerly charged, and thus with all these informal hearings not subject to the rules of evidence and law, I fear for my family's stability and financial well being every moment because I know that this can change our family's fate and possibly force us to leave the state.

On the note of fate, I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a G-d and that he controls everything and everyone, and thus this is happening for a reason. I think to myself that either I have made a wrong turn and he is correcting my path, albeit via this unbelievably complicated way, or that this is a divine decree against me and that I and my family are being punished for things I have done or not done. I am bitter about this, and I've always wished that Hashem would not test me and would just set me out on a calm pathway and let me live out my life with my spiritual struggles, but apparently he loves me because he has turned his attention towards me with these hardships.

One thing my accuser has not anticipated is that I don't forget. I will defend myself against his claim, and regardless of whether I win or lose, when the moment presents itself, I will hit him judicially hard and where it hurts, and I will do it with truth. I will sue him where it hurts, and if G-d is with me, he will know that dishonesty is a very dark and painful place that I pray to G-d that he wishes he never visited.

Until then, I am the injured sheep. I am the defeated, meek one going "be'eh." However, I promise that I will learn to become the viper with sharper fangs and more poison than anyone would have ever imagined.

I have so much that can be attacked with truth. I have so many secrets, so many skeletons, and so many unpopular beliefs that any attack dog can have a field day with any of my weaknesses. But to attack me with falsehood, no. I do not consent to be lunged at with a lie. I still believe the justice system is good. Please don't jade my idealistic view of things with your filthy lies, you dog. Even worse, I saw you as my friend.

2010-01-31T02:05:00.000-05:00

It's so difficult to write about this. Someone has hurt our family, our livelihood so deeply that I do not think we will ever be able to recover from it.

I cannot even speak of what has been done to us. It is too embarrassing. I have been sick for days just thinking about it. I have been unable to focus for days. This person has harmed both me and my family. I wouldn't want the assailant to read this and feel victory. Just know, I will overcome what you have done to us, and I will do what it takes to have justice come out on the side of truth.

There is an old Chinese saying that if you are going to hurt someone, finish them off because if you don't, they'll get stronger, they'll bide their time, and when the time is right, they'll show you no mercy. I am that harmed person. You haven't killed me. I will lie in wait. I will rebuild my strength, my family, my reputation. As soon as you slip, I will be there ready to finish you off, my old friend.

Until then, it will remain a secret. I will not tell others what has been done to us, to my family, to the safety of my children. People who act with such evil always get what comes to them. I have no need to be the avenger. Justice has its own sword. But I will think of you always until I finish you off.

Be kind to each other.

2010-01-25T02:18:00.000-05:00

I received a posting on an old blog entry that I thought I deleted, "Angry with my wife...". It is such an interesting feeling going back to old blog entries and re-reading the rage or emotion I felt over one topic or another (especially because she'll be giving birth any week now with our THIRD child), knowing that I'm about to go through the same thing all over again. The question this time around is, "will I be a jerk again and will I think her evil for the things she leans on me to do?" Or this time around, can I be a better person and a more loving husband?

Every day these past few weeks, I've had this wonderful EXCUSE of why I don't have to help, contribute, wake up in the middle of the night, take care of the kids, etc. -- that I'm spending all my time preparing for the bar exam -- and honestly, I often ask myself whether I can be better at being a good person. This is the perfect excuse because she expects so little of me (probably because she's just as afraid as I am that I might not succeed) because she wants me to focus all my energy on studying, but often enough, I'm sitting there with the books open and I see she's having a difficult time, and while sometimes I won't help because I don't want to be distracted, often to the detriment of my studies, I do help.

It's very interesting being NOT nearly close to my best, either in physical shape and form, discipline, religious observance (in terms of midot, taivas, and controlling my emotions and my habits). I am also far from being my best when it comes to being a good husband. I feel in many ways that I've left my wife out to dry, so to speak, in so many ways because I've taken on this burdensome task of studying for the bar exam, and now she feels that her parenting duties have doubled because I am no longer around. In truth, I actually think that I am just as helpful as I usually am, but the perception of the matter is that I'm not because so many evenings and mornings I am just not around when in the past I would be. I'm rambling.

I suppose what I am saying is that from taking a step back because I had to study for this exam, I've seen what a trooper my wife is. She's really wonderful, and she gives of herself way beyond her natural capabilities.

In response to "Inclusion in Art" in my posting from a little over a year ago, I no longer see my wife as manipulative or mean when she asks me to shoulder more than I already am in terms of lightening her load. She works hard and very often, she really needs a break. Case in point, she often thinks that our involvement in the parenting is off-balance; we got into a fight on Saturday morning and in anger (and exhaustion from a fight which she instigated over me using the word "taiva" in a sentence), I was drained of energy and I went back to sleep to start the day over. She didn't say anything, but from the slamming of the doors, I knew she was upset. When I woke up, a few minutes later, I saw her sneak away into the room and lay down in bed, leaving me with the kids when I would normally have gone to shul (synagogue). Instead of starting a fight, I let her sleep because I knew she needed it. When she woke up hours later, she was still upset at me and felt that it was her "turn" to take the nap and that she was justified in doing so because I took mine just a few hours earlier. However, I corrected her that I let her sleep because she looked like she needed it, turning the issue from one of right and wrong and fair and unfair to me being a good husband and her being the immature one who let the "my turn" arguments of our two-year-old rub off on her adult mindset.

In sum, husbands and wives owe a duty to be nice to each other, even when the burden one or both is shouldering is not fair. On top of that, each should go out of their way to do things for the other person just because that spouse is likely having a difficult time too. Okay, I'm not making sense and I'm sorry for giving you guys the run-on blog entry (these annoy me to no end), but in short, just be nice to each other. Seriously.

Butt kicked and then studied and kicked butt on Wills, Trusts & Estates Barbri lecture.

2010-01-06T01:07:00.003-05:00

Almost falling asleep after a LONG two days of intensive study, I'm proud of my accomplishment.

I spent the past two days learning Wills & Trusts. The first day kicked my butt. I showed up to class after doing the readings, but the professor's style was to go over one hypothetical after another after another for HOURS, expecting us to understand rules from the results of who wins and who loses in each scenario.

This was TOTALLY against my learning style. Like the first few days of this bar review, and like my first successful bar review in Colorado, I did will sitting by my laptop and typing in and memorizing rules as the lecturer dictated them to us. This was impossible when we were trying to figure out who takes under the will, and who improperly destroyed their will, etc. This was quite frustrating.

So after class yesterday, I sat down and reviewed EACH AND EVERY HYPOTHETICAL. I extracted the rules from the result, and I wrote the rules in my word processor in a BLACK LETTER LAW "RULE" format. It took me so many hours that by the time I was not even finished studying, the evening Barbri class video started and I was still in my seat from the morning live lecture.

When I got home, I decided that I wasn't going to let this SOB law professor make us look stupid again. I went through the books, did the readings as I did last time, but this time I REVIEWED EACH AND EVERY HYPOTHETICAL and where I could (many I couldn't because there were fill-in-the-blanks, Barbri's special style of lecture learning), I extracted and wrote up the black letter rules from the hypotheticals so that when I showed up to class today, I already had the rules and I could focus on the application of the rules in the hypotheticals. Victory. I understood everything the lecturer said, and while I still think he's an a*hole for writing his notes in this fashion, I still mastered the material on my own terms.

Tomorrow is Torts, an MBE topic. I'm excited about this because the notes I have from my Colorado bar review will be more than sufficient to prepare me for the MBE portion on this exam. I've ripped out the notes from the Barbri lecture handbook and even though I have the notes already written out from last time, I'll still play their fill-in-the-blank game. However, I don't think that transcribing all those notes on my computer will be worth my time as it was for these past few Wills & Trusts lectures. The rules on the fill-in-the-blank page seem to be quite straightforward. I'll just remember to write neatly so I can review my notes later on. If I have the time, the motivation or the energy, maybe I'll write them.

On another note, on my downtime I've been playing a really wacky and yet fun game, WORLD OF GOO. A demo is downloadable on their web site, and it's certainly worth the money. I'm having a wonderful time with it; I played it late last night before I went to sleep, and just like the goo-based structures you build in the game wobble, my eyes were wobbling when I went to sleep (and thus the room appeared to be wobbling), an interesting effect of the game. Funny enough, I experienced the wobbling randomly today after thinking about the game during the bar review today. I thought that was a strange recall kind of experience.

On a final note, some time ago, I purchased Centerpointe's Holosync Awakening course and Monroe Institute's Hemisync course which I now have backed up on a .flac format which my wife's Samsung YP-S3 music player doesn't play. So I bought myself today a SanDisk Sansa Clip+ 8GB MP3 Player which can play my .flac files so that I can listen to them with headphones on my mp3 player and maybe I can fall asleep with them over my ears and get some sleep programming. I used to do that with my iPod mini mp3 player with Rockbox firmware installed, but I dropped that over a year ago and I haven't been able to listen to my files since. (I'd listen to it on my laptop, but the last thing I need is to fall asleep while listening to the audios and to roll over and crack my laptop's LCD screen. So I'm very excited that I'll be able to get back into listening to holosync and hemisync CDs.

Feelings, probably stuff I shouldn't post.

2009-12-31T13:50:00.002-05:00

This is the second blog entry following the one immediately below this one. It's a personal accounting about how I'm feeling in life and what I'm experiencing under my hood, so to speak.

Generally, I'm feeling okay with who I've become. Obviously I could be a better person, a more religious person, and more kind or helpful person, but I'm generally a good religious guy. I wish I respected G-d more, because I am such of follower of His path, but once in a while, I'll have a "screw you, punish me if you want to, but I'm doing X" mentality. To my relief, my acts of defiance are usually something like "I'm not going to daven today," or "I'm not helping this person even though I could."

I often have a "let him rot" mentality because I feel that people don't do good when they could, and so why should I. [That's not a statement of whether I believe I should act or not; it's a reality of how I might act if the situation comes up (which it usually does not.)] I also can't get over why I am always so angry at the world. I try to keep a cheerful composure, but usually, I'm saying "f*** you, a**hole" to the person across from me in my mind.

It drives me nuts how I feel that I am superior to everyone else because I objectively know that I'm not except I don't believe that for a second. I feel that I've taken so much time in my life learning about how people function, learning about psychology, learning how to read a person's facial expressions, behaviors, and learning about efficiency practices such as reading ultra fast and listening to countless audio programs about how one can manage their state AND practicing everything I learn until it becomes unconscious that I have developed a belief that everyone living has a duty to live at their best or else they are wasting the minutes of their life and they don't deserve my respect. Caveat - many people have my respect, my love, and my friendship unconditionally, and I respect everyone's right to live their life however they want -- I just have a tendency to look at people and to think that they are stupid or shallow and thus I want nothing to do with them.

So many people take offense at the above paragraph, but I think "sc**w you," these are my thoughts and you're a moron anyway. No wonder why I don't get along with people.

In the law world, I'm sitting amongst these puny wannabe lawyers who spout law and use complex legal terms and try to educate everyone around them with their brilliance that it makes me sick. If I were a violent man I would want to strangle them, but really what I do is I try not to listen and if I can't focus, I walk away from them laughing to myself at the nasty lawyer world of unemployment, deceit, and unethical people they are about to meet.

Anyway, I have full belief that I'll do what it takes to ace this exam, and I'll rejoin the horrible lawyer world looking for a job or whatever as soon as this exam is over.

Bar review, day two.

2009-12-31T13:48:00.002-05:00

Bar review, day two. There is a girl sitting across from me that looks in a spooky way like my torts professor from when I was in law school. Believing that people's looks and features have an innate effect on their personality, inclinations, and tendencies, I wonder if this girl knows that she has the capability of being a tough but good torts teacher.

Emotionally, I'm exhausted after today's class and yet I'm a bit excited. The review was quite intense and I was surprised that we were expected to do as much writing as we were. Barbri is notoriously known for their "fill in the blank" workbook, but my experience of this is that it's "write like mad until your hands fall out." I'm glad I had my laptop with me.

I suppose my plan of attack will be to pre-write the hierarchy of the outline in the workbook, and fill in the notes as the lecturer speaks. If there is content that is noteworthy, I'll add it in after the class.

One thing I learned from my first bar review (where I passed the bar) is after class to re-write notes in a format that I can memorize, and to use full sentences in my rules. Also, if I can, make mnemonics for items that need to be memorized or steps that will need to be followed on an exam. I'll be doing this with these notes.

Today's debt collection class was brand new to me, but the jist of it is if you misrepresent or do something against the statute, you'll get busted with a bunch of laws. Obviously this is too general for use on an exam, but here the devil is in the forest and not the trees. The detailed rules are just knowing the general rules of one set of laws, and knowing the distinctions between the local state rules and the federal rules. Not such a big endeavour.

I'll write about my feelings in just a moment in the next blog entry.

I should be more flexible. First day of bar review and I already had a fight.

2009-12-30T20:55:00.008-05:00

Today was my first day studying substantive law for the NY bar exam. Today we went over how to write an essay which I found to be quite helpful, since I've forgotten this skill from my law school days.

I tried writing in the Barbri workbook as they suggested, but when it came to writing more than a few words, I couldn't keep up and I kept missing things the lecturer said. This was frustrating and so I booted up my computer and started typing notes on my laptop (and taking only general notes in the notebook). I figured that since I'll be typing the exam, it's not that big of a deal that I can't write quickly.

I took around 30 minutes after class to get a head start on tomorrow's subject, Federal Debt Collection and Unfair Competition. I started on the summary notes thinking that in the afternoon I would read the actual NY workbook which contains all the detailed notes. On the way home, I conservatively estimated that I'll require 5-6 hours each day after class to study. I spoke with my wife about it, and she agreed that it sounds like a good plan.

My wife was kind enough to have lunch ready for me when I got home. I did some socializing and playing with the kids, and then I got to work. I was going to go to Starbucks to study, but my wife wanted the car so instead I stayed at home and she went out with the kids and some friends.

When she came home after four hours instead of six like she agreed, I was really upset. I was so upset that I felt that she was playing games -- and on the FIRST DAY of the bar review, no less! I thought of words like selfish, etc., but I kept my thoughts to myself. However, seeing that I was upset, she got defensive which really set me off. Still trying to keep my cool, I told her I was going to study elsewhere, and I left. Her interruption cost me around 1.5 hours in study time which I felt was unfair. I drove to the nearest location to study, around 25 minutes away from our apartment. To this minute including the 25 minutes I'll need to drive home, this interception will have cost me 1.5 hours today, time that I could have used in a better way, such as helping my wife with the kids, etc.

I finished my studying and it is 8pm, slightly after our childrens' bedtime. I feel a bit bad that I wasn't there to help her out with it, but I am still upset that she ruined our agreed-upon schedule and cost me so much wasted time and so I don't feel that bad about having her put the kids to bed. I totally know that I overreacted, but I am still feeling like she thinks my studying is a joke and she doesn't respect the importance of an hour or two when there are so few hours available to study during the day. I really want to do the minimum to do this right, and I am upset that I was thrown off schedule on the first real day of studying.

In sum, I don't know whether I am more hurt that what I am doing is not being taken seriously, or whether I feel that I was egged on when I was visibly upset after being wronged. I really don't think it is a big deal, but it was enough to upset me.

I guess I got scared that the speaker asked, "How many of you have spouses?" "How many of you want to keep your spouses by the end of bar review?" That question bothered me because I'm really doing this for us and I wish I felt that my wife was on my team rather than opposing me all the time.

Dislike the idea of taking a low-paying "stable" job rather than starting my own law practice.

2009-12-27T18:20:00.005-05:00

I just finished taking a practice MBE bar exam (well, the morning session), and I have a few minutes, so I figured that I would record my thoughts. B"H as things stand right now, if I took the bar exam today, (at least for the MBE portion of the exam), I would pass. This is quite a relief, especially since the substantive portion of the bar review hasn't even begun. So I'm in a good place right now. Now to learn state-specific law these next few weeks.

I was talking to my wife last night about areas of law I would like to focus in with regard to my practice, and I was telling her that I felt threatened that people are now trying to put me in touch with people who would possibly be willing to throw me a job. While that's all great, I'm not so excited to find someone here in NY who would give me a $50K/yr attorney job when I know in my heart of hearts that I could make at least that working my own practice with one hand tied behind my back. My wife says that there are priorities and that I have a responsibility to put food on the table and to support our family, and if I get an offer for $50K or $60K, I should jump on it because even though it wouldn't make us rich, we would get by.

I seem to completely differ, and I believe that once I'm licensed in this state, I can jump into getting started in a law practice and I can do whatever it takes to make this work. ...and even if I failed, there are likely going to be document review positions and projects that come and go over the year so I am relatively certain that we wouldn't starve. She just believes that security trumps being a visionary, and I feel that being a realist AND a visionary is the responsible way to provide long term for my family.

$50K doesn't sound so good when our rent is $1000/month, electricity and gas is ~$300/month, school loans hover around $450-600/month, and that's before we even consider taxes on that income (NY seems to be disgusting regarding income taxes), and the daily living expenses such as food, health insurance (~$550/month), diapers, formula, etc. I just can't see how we can even think of settling for this kind of lifestyle when there is something better just waiting for me to grasp for it.

How I've been feeling -- really -- lately.

2009-12-22T18:09:00.004-05:00

Alright, more personal stuff. I'm davening these days, and I'm learning Chitas and Rambam each day. I'm happy with where I am, but I never expected to be HERE.

When I came to NY, I thought I was going to go back to school full time, live on federal loans, and that I would be working to get that much needed engineering degree (electrical engineering seemed to be my path of choice because it provided the best opportunities for patent attorneys). I never expected not to be in school, and I never expected to be taking the NY bar exam! This seemed to be the farthest thing from my mind, especially since I thought I'd be hiring by a law firm but this never happened. I suppose I didn't try enough when I got here, but I did pound my social network and none of the leads panned out. Even my Crown Heights yeshiva buddies and rabbis weren't helpful. I was disappointed by this, but I suppose that I have decided to start my own practice to spite them all and to show everyone including myself that I can do this.

I feel in a way that I am sticking a finger up at the law firm world and saying F.U. to those that thought I would fail. I am genuinely filled with anger at how things turned out, but I have no doubt that I'll pass this bar exam. I also will go against my inclination and will apply to law firms again once this bar review is finished. I will also apply in the summer as well, and will network with people should it be G-d's plan for me to work in a firm. All this being said, I'm going my own route and starting my own practice.

As for being a husband and a father, I think I'm doing an okay job. My kids are torah-oriented (my son doesn't like watching Rebbe videos but he loves saying pesukim), and we're doing a good job with chinuch. My wife works her butt off caring for the kids, and I feel bad for everything she is forced to do because of the choices we have made. That being said, to my surprise, she's taking a class to start the process of going back to school to specialize, and while I support her, I'd rather we work as a team on our family and our livelihood because I see her getting yet another degree when she's not using the two she already has as a waste of time and a threat to the integrity of our family. I really hopes she follows through with this and gets a job and is happy, but I don't think this is what she really wants, and she gets angry at me when I ask any questions about whether she has done enough due diligence in making an educated decision as to whether to go down this path or not. I know she has seen the bad news, that those in her field are unemployed, but I feel like she ignores this bad news and thinks things will be different for her, just as I thought law would be different for me when I entered law school after 2002. I just hope she knows what she is doing, and I'm trusting G-d to direct us in the right direction to open doors and shut doors as appropriate.

On another note, I keep asking myself, "is this all life is?" "Will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Making adjustments, changing plans, dealing with the mundane?" Where's the excitement in all this? Where is the fantasy? Where is the meaning and the euphoria?!? My life, even with all of its activity is boring and it often feels like it is a meaningless waste. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing, and I wish what I was supposed to be doing was energizing, meaningful, and fun. So far, I feel BLAH about everything. I'd love to break out of my shell, but I don't know where the boundaries are. I don't know what the goals are. Everything feels so wishy washy, as if G-d will direct me in the right direction, but I hate having blindfolds on.

My energy has also been quite low lately. I don't have motivation to do things like shower, cook, eat, exercise, clean, or take proactive steps in the planning of my life experience (even though I do each of these every day to some degree). I'm just going with the flow and doing what I need to do to get through this next hurdle, the bar exam, and becoming a father of soon-to-be three. I wish I had a bit more life and excitement in me.

Dealing with a nasty goy at a document review project.

2009-12-21T17:22:00.003-05:00

I've found it quite difficult to separate who is Zoe Strickman and who is the underlying author. Who should blog about what? Who should take a stand against certain issues, and who should stand silent letting his avatar speak out to the world.

I'm content with the way things are going. My few months of absence was because I was on a document review in NYC, and I couldn't really speak about things and people while they were happening. The project paid $35/hr which was good for me and my family despite the many hours I had to work to benefit the most from the project. I worked crazy hours -- I was on the subway each morning at 6:30am, and I didn't arrive home most evenings until 8:30pm. My wife was happy about the money coming in, but my main focus was to pay back the credit card bills that mounted up since our move just a few months ago.

To be quite frank, the merger due diligence project had too many attorneys and we were bunched up in a room that was too small for what we were doing. I was shoulder-to-shoulder day and night with people I would rather have had nothing to do with. One was a career document reviewer -- an old man who worried about everything under the sun. I usually don't mind disturbed people, but this one really bugged me and got under my skin because he compensated for his weaknesses by complaining to our managers about other people.

Generally, I worked quite fast and diligent. I hyperfocused for around an hour or so, and then I took a ten minute break to clear my mind, and then I went back to focused work for another hour or so. During my breaks, I usually opened up a browser, read the news -- anything to not think of the documents that were tiring my eyes and exhausting my brain. During mandatory lunch breaks, I usually didn't go out. I ate my lunch in front of the computer and surfed the web -- we weren't allowed to bill that time so nobody cared. However, this old SOB kept looking over my shoulder and yelling at me that it is unethical to browse the web on work time, even when I was on my lunch break. He took breaks too, just different kinds of breaks -- he walked around, took long bathroom breaks, took long lunch breaks, checked his Blackberry every few minutes, and made phone calls. When he wasn't doing that, he was slowly clicking away at the screen taking multiple minutes for each page he was reviewing. He didn't seem to care whether a document was a non-relevant document which we were supposed to code and move on, or whether the document was source code for a piece of software which we were supposed to mark as such and move on -- he sat there and read each page as if he was reading a newspaper. In the same time I reviewed 100 documents, he reviewed maybe 20, and he had the NERVE to complain to the manager that I was spending too much time browsing. Then when the manager didn't do anything, he yelled at me that he was going to call the disciplinary board and have me disbarred before I'm even admitted. I told him to go ahead.

We kept statistics of our work, and our quality control reviewers every so often asked us questions and made comments about our work. I had a miscatagorization here and there -- this is normal -- but the QC reviewers said my work was highly accurate and my pace was very impressive. That didn't stop this a*hole from bothering me each day though.

Every day I dreaded showing up to work because this guy would play the martyr, saying how he couldn't ethically see how I justified the work I did, and how I was stealing from the company. I was so upset that at one point, I told him to shut the hell up and mind his own business. He felt that as an attorney, he had the duty to also mind mine too. Occasionally when I would speak to the managers of the project, they acknowledged that he was complaining about me, but they told me not to worry, and that I was doing good work. That didn't stop me from being bothered. This guy made me so mad I had a difficult time keeping a smile on my face during the day. I was so twisted up inside and angry that there were many times I just couldn't think and I was sure this anger wasn't good for my health. I was joking around with my wife this morning that I was sure he took around a month or so off of my life, and I hoped that the review and the money was worth it.

What got me angered is that other attorneys came and left the project, many of whom sat near us and did personal work most of the day. But did he say anything to them about their personal browsing habits? NO! They clicked away watching YouTube videos (and in one case one girl was watching a movie on her iPod in front of everyone with headphones), and he said nothing! It was only me that this piece of garbage kept hammering away at with his nasty comments. I dare not say it had anything to do with me being Jewish, but believe me, the thought crossed my mind.

Anyway, THANK G-D the project ended just a week ago. I started Barbri this week in the city. I still take the train every morning, but I must say that it is a relief that I hope to never see this a*hole again. He made the environment so tense, so stressful, and so unpleasant that I thought many times of just quitting and finding another position.

Question: Would test tube grown meat from a kosher animal be considered kosher for consumption?

2009-12-02T11:53:00.004-05:00

My friend asked me about the "Scientists Grow Pork Meat in a Lab, Annoying PETA People To Disappear Soon" article about how scientists have grown pork in a test tube, and whether growing meat from an otherwise kosher animal would render the meat treif or kosher.

I saw this and I was thinking the same thing... It's a very interesting kashrut question. I was asking myself whether it would even be considered meat...

Without ANY certainty, my best guess is that rabbis would have to look at the underlying animal to determine whether it was kosher or not and make their determination from there, no? If they're growing the meat from the DNA or the cells of a pig, it would be treif. If they're growing the meat from a cow, a giraffe, or any other kosher animal, as you said, now THERE'S the question -- can we eat meat that hasn't been slaughtered properly because there has been no need for slaughter!

Assuming they can monitor to certify that all the ingredients, ovens, and utensils used in the preparation of the meat from the kosher animal were also kosher, my best guess is that the cow would be just as kosher as, say, kosher pretzels.

My best guess would be yes it would probably be kosher. It would be really COOL to hear the arguments if this sort of thing ended up being the norm on how meat is prepared.

-Zoe

PS - From the conspiratorial point of view, do you think the big agribusiness companies would ALLOW the demise of their operations? "Growing meat" would absolutely kill their CORN and SOY business, as most of the corn goes to feed the livestock to produce the meat. Then, with the live animal farming becoming extinct (as it certainly would if farms growing meat rather than live animals), what would happen to the underlying animals who formerly were thrown into cages and slaughtered? Would they now be free to roam and to eat grass? I'm guessing that the organic market for live animals would then also prosper, although the meat would be comparatively significantly more expensive than the test-tube meat that they can produce en mass.

One small step at a time.

2009-11-30T15:06:00.004-05:00

I'm in an interesting holding pattern for the next 85 days. I can't start practicing because I'm not a NY licensed attorney. I can do some patent law, but nothing IP related other than patent prosecution. It makes no sense to take clients with the bar exam looming and bar review begins in just a few weeks.

Its one of those "sit on your hands" moments.

In the meantime to pass the time, I have been working with a local document review company who placed me on a few projects to pass the time. The strange result is that there is now no time to do the things I'll need to do to get up and running -- set up a web site, set up a professional corporation or LLC (not sure which would be better), and looking into IP malpractice insurance. This has gotten me scared, making me want to run towards a safer route. I'm still resolute on starting a firm, taking this one step at a time.

Decided to keep blog up and running; life update.

2009-11-15T21:30:00.006-05:00

It has been many months since my July 29th, 2009 posting where I put up a picture of a swine (no intuition there regarding the swine flu, which hit me pretty bad around Yom Kippur time) about the person that squealed my identity. Well, Yom Kippur has passed, and G-d has judged this person as righteous or wicked, and his judgement has been carried out. Chos v'sholom anything bad happen to him or her; I just wanted to point out that I received no apology and that is the path this person has chosen to take and so what happens is out of my hands. What I could say for myself is that I'm imperfect as well, as many of you can tell from reading my blog these past few years.

I have decided to take a different route and to refocus the blog in a new direction. I haven't figured out which direction that would be, but trashing my wife and using it as a venue to vent family problems is simply inappropriate. She's a wonderful, caring, and hard-working woman, and I should leave her out of my blog posts. I hope I am mature enough to keep our private life private.

Our new apartment in Crown Heights is suiting us well -- yes, Crown Heights, not California; we're private people to begin with, so the atmosphere is conducive to our personalities. The one thing that bothers me about being here is that there are so many rabbis, but I am not close to any of them and I miss my mashpia back home in Colorado. There's a lot of value in having a mashpia, and a phone call once every few months just doesn't cut it. He's busy, I know, and I've been aloof trying to get a job and stay afloat in many other ways, but I still miss him as he was also a friend and a father figure when we lived in the same state. Even when we moved around, we still made an effort to visit as often as we could, but with our oldest son now over two years old, the cost of a flight is now for three people rather than two, and my wife can't fly anyway since she's expecting our third child. Our daughter is now almost a year old herself and is walking and trying to speak; it's very cute. Either way, I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with him. (I know his goal was to get to the point where I can function yiddishkeit-wise as a self-moving frum person, and he's achieved that goal as I am frum and self-sustaining in my yiddishkeit -- that being said, it was nice to have him stand over me and call me before a fast day just to remind me to fast and to tell me why we were fasting.)

Career-wise, I must admit that I'm still saddened by the advise of Anonymous some months ago which still rings in my head. To refresh your memories, he basically was pleading with me to let me know that even if I went back to school and became an engineer, because I didn't do it the right way -- going to college to become an engineer first and then going to law school and becoming a patent attorney -- I would never get a law firm job because I would always be an outsider because I didn't do it the right way. Well, when I moved to NY, I applied and was accepted into an EE program at CUNY, but I decided not to move forward with it; instead I decided that I was going to take the NY bar exam and open my own general practice law practice and practice as a patent attorney on my own without looking for support or a job from a law firm. I've been reading books since on how to do it, and I am certainly fearful, but every successful law practice started with one person joining forces with another, so why not start my own and build from there?

Lastly, as for G-d, I still firmly believe as a child would that G-d created the universe, and that he controls every aspect of our lives, and even though we have free will to do good or not, everything is still in his hands, and there is no reason to bend one's morality or to curb or hide one's religious practice in order to get ahead in the world, because why would G-d let me put him in the corner for my own advancement? It seems a contradiction, and so I would rather place my trust in him and believe that my plans will work out rather than doing anything that would sacrifice my yiddishkeit so that I can "fit in" to the real world and fit some partner's idea of what a lawyer should look like. "To hell with him" I think, although not literally. I will pass this bar exam and will start my own law practice and it will all work out and I will be thankful that I did.

Anonymous Squealed My Identity.

2009-07-29T00:10:00.011-04:00

You know, on a real anonymous blog, any topic should be fair game. I should be able to speak about anything, and by sharing my true feelings without fear of repercussions or consequence, I can get answers from you the readers on how to solve any problem I am working on.

Everyone has problems, and nobody is a good person through-and-through. I have never hid my issues from you, but now I will have to because now there will be topics that will be off-limits which completely negates the purpose of this blog.

Over the years I have become friends with many of my readers. Many of you have earned my trust, and through my earnest opinions (as unpopular as they may be, ) I have earned your trust even though we have never met. I count on you as a resource and as a friend when I am in need.

Now we have a virus among us; an anonymous scum reader who has taken the unethical step of blowing the whistle on my identity for no reason other than his or her own sick pleasure. Anonymous, while you're spinning and rotating in your chair and basking in your success at my failure, know that I have prayed against you and that you have G-d to answer to for your misdeed. You have until Yom Kippur to ask for my forgiveness or else you're stuck with the consequences of your actions, and you obviously don't understand the gravity of what you have done.

I watch who goes on this blog, and from what IP address. I watch who reads what, and for how long a person is at each page. I don't do this often, but the information is there if I need it. What I always find interesting is who finds my blog, and under what keywords in a google search they have found it. I have full confidence that those reading my uncensored blog have benefited from my opinions and the problems I have faced. Through back-and-forth comments, tough issues have been resolved. Anonymous, not only have you forced me to erase blog entries and limit what I speak about in the future to my own detriment, but you have also denied access to others who would and could have benefited from reading the posts leading the way to one solution after another. You have until Tishre and then it is only on you.

I have scrubbed the blog from comments that are damaging to my wife and to my family, and from now on, they are off limits. I have also disabled anonymous commenting so that you will have to jump through the hoop at least one time to create a false identity with Google and then we'll see who's the liar then.

I am quite pained that yet again, I have to go back and erase a piece of my past from your view. I have always said that we are a culmination of our experiences, and I've tried my hardest to make the Zoe Strickman blog character as close to the real life me as possible, innocuously and consistently changing facts that don't change the story or the circumstances. I've trusted you with my story and with the me I've shared with you, and Anonymous, you have broken my trust.

So what happens now...?

2009-05-11T02:28:00.000-04:00

A good chess player has to think many moves ahead of where his pieces are to see which plays would be to his benefit and which would be to his detriment. I don't play chess, but I do with my life... when I have to.

After being laid off in April, I packed up our home and moved our family to California (where my wife has family). She has been talking about going back to school, and knowing that this is the perfect opportunity to return to school AND have the government pay for living expenses by providing unemployment insurance payments for us, it seemed to be a win-win situation.

I applied to a UC program, and after a few weeks, I got an admission letter. However, I did not get into the electrical engineering program that I applied to, but a general undergraduate major. To everyone's surprise, with all the philosophy and other writing-intensive courses that I took when I was in college the first time, the only English course I took was English Writing 101, in which I received a C+. I am not apologetic about this score; I was 17 when I entered college. So with all the engineering classes I've taken, they are prohibiting me from registering for any engineering classes until I am admitted into the major, and that is only once I raise my score above a certain GPA which I can do with one English class that I could take over the summer.

The difficult thing is on top of the English class, they would require me to take CORE classes such as California History, and Social Justice, and other classes which have absolutely NO relevance to electrical engineering. This is a hurdle to getting the degree that I might not want to overcome. I was interested in going back to school to get an EE degree, not to take a Latin American Studies course so that I can fulfill a graduation requirement.

So I've started to look at other options on what to do because it is prohibitive to go back to school for another three years just to get a second undergraduate degree if the college porks up my curriculum with "graduation requirements."

One option is to take the California Bar Exam to practice as an attorney. Another option is to try to get hired as a patent attorney. A third option is to practice some non-state subject matter such as bankruptcy law or admiralty law which deals with federal practice and federal subject matter. However, I'm not sure whether a Colorado attorney such as myself is allowed to do this not being licensed in California to practice law. A fourth option is to give up my unemployment and start my own practice practicing patent law, and a fifth option is to just wait out the economy until one of these options materializes.

I feel as if G-d is opening and slamming shut doors faster than I know how to jump through them. I'm not exactly sure what to do.

Just a few abstract thoughts.

2009-04-20T00:49:00.004-04:00

I've come a long way from the wandering boy in law school looking for a life of meaning and power. I can't say I'm a better person, in fact I'm sure I'm not. What I could say is that I've learned to take care of others in ways I used to only take care of myself. I've learned to take pleasure in the happiness of others, and to share in their joy and more. While I'm not as protected as I used to be, I'm more hidden. There are expectations that the person I was yesterday will be the person I will be tomorrow. I wouldn't try to change anything, except that I don't think I have much more to become other than smarter, kinder, more selfless, and more in control of my surroundings. Control...

Control is the one thing that I have given up, and it is the one thing that has freed me from my need of it. It's the source of my anger, my disappointment, and my frustration, and it is the seed of my enmity towards others both large and small. Yet as much as I have released my talons over control, it has not left me in the slightest bit, but it still lurks like a shark, surfacing in ways that make me take a deep breath and will it away. I am the ocean and the beasts that swim within are my thoughts. Should they be seen above the surface, they would become a spectacle, so they swim in the deep dark blue where eyes cannot see them. Control...

I am an actor, and a good one because by deep breath, I am able to convince myself that I am headed down the right path, and the current that is lapping at my calves gently show me the way in which I should allow us to flow. G-d has brought me here, and G-d will bring me there, and the surrender is with consternation but a sigh of relief - there is no relief, just a float down a stream that can turn dark, vicious, and violent at any time and I would be caught without a boat, without oars, or without knowledge, direction, or discretion.

The world is kind, the world is benevolent, the world is evil, disgusting, and self-serving. Society is just, society is voracious, with unkempt teeth that could rip through tin. Yet it smiles an evil smile as it consumes and shows a clown face with makeup smeared in the wretched place that distorts kindness into shock. If only I could let these animals stay beneath the surface all will be calm. But they do stir.

Only days will pass before I've closed this chapter of our picture perfect existence, the husband wearing ties and dress shirts to work, carrying his most treasured briefcase of soft brown scratched leather. The evil has prevailed and I have been benefited through the evil. It has become a tool for good yet it still will be punished greatly for hurting the good among us. And yet others unknowing will be rewarded for their unkind deeds without knowing why judgment is not sent their way. Haman will hang and Achashveirosh will remain king and Esther his stranger.

I'm doing what I think is the right thing to do; there is so much uncertainty that I don't know what else to do. My wife was not happy here - not with this life I have given her, not away from her home away from home. I can't stay here in good conscience knowing that the one I'm supposed to love and protect isn't happy. I don't think it's her fault either. We're both allowed to make our lives better and easier to live. We also - if we do it right - hopefully make it better for the other as well. I trust that there is a profitable job after all this work despite the number of times G-d has shown me my lack of value. I don't think I'm great in the least bit, and by dirt as my sky I can attest that I have no value other than who I am, how I act, and what I know. I could control the latter two, the first are my cards.

I'm tired of trying to forge my own path. I'd rather just take a deep breath, hold it until my body floats to the surface, and look at the sky as the sun distorts my vision until everything is white with shapes. I'm tired of trying to make sense of my life and trying to piece together my skills to find my path. I don't know what to do, where to turn, or with whom to speak but all I can do is just sit still and pray that I will be taken care of by the one who finds the most value in his creation. Tatty.

Why I CAN start a law practice after school.

2009-04-07T17:57:00.007-04:00

So I have this blog reader named Anonymous who is a patent attorney and who has been sending me messages as to why I shouldn't go back to school to finish the electrical engineering degree, and instead, I should forget patent law altogether and I should just quit and move on because I'll never succeed going down the path I am headed.

Anonymous' reasons were 1) I didn't get an engineering degree the first chance I could back in college, so law firms will think I'm not a techy kind of guy, and so they wouldn't hire me, 2) I became a patent attorney through a technicality (e.g. piecing together science classes I took while an undergraduate student and taking what I was missing during law school to fill in the gaps) and thus I am not a real science guy and for that same reason, law firms won't hire me, 3) I am not following the traditional path (e.g. engineering or science route, then law school, then patent exam) and thus they won't consider me because I'm not a typical applicant, 4) I'm only going into electrical engineering because it is "hot" and so I am chasing the trend, not standing in front of it, and finally, 5) regular patent attorneys who did everything in the proper order and who went to the good schools and got the good grades are having a super-difficult time finding work, so why would I think that I will be in any better of a situation then they are. I think this list is complete.

Okay, here's my retort. No, I am not superior in any way to any of the other people that went to a better school than I did, I did not participate in moot court and I did not graduate within the top five percent of my class. Frankly, I am happy that I did the work and that I made it out of law school, that I passed all my bar exams, and that I worked hard and passed the patent bar exam on my first try. I am also happy that I have a family to support, that my family is growing in number by the year, and that I have a wonderful wife who is supportive of everything that I do.

I am not and have never been the ideal candidate for a law firm, nor do I fit the mold with my religious Jewish lifestyle, where Shabbos, family, and holidays take precedence over my position at work and my career. I will not be the type of lawyer who spends all hours of the night working because more importantly, I am a father who has children who I love and whose lives I want to be part of. I do have law school debt up the wazoo, and I'm no longer living in one of the states I'm admitted in, so my only option is to work as a patent attorney OR to work in some other non-lawyer capacity.

I *am* a techy kind of guy; I always have been. Just because I went the medical school route during my undergraduate years in college rather than the engineering route should not preclude me from practicing patent law now that I'm an attorney. To add to that, I have been taking the coursework which will lead to an engineering degree, and I feel that electrical engineering is the most useful of them all when it comes to designing patents and with regard to being part of the workforce should I choose NOT to practice law. Is electrical engineering the kind of engineering I would practice if I WEREN'T going to be a patent attorney? Honestly, who knows. However I DO know that I will be exposed to all the different engineering disciplines when I go back to school in the Summer, and I will have some time to make a decision as to which direction I would like to go.

Honestly, and this will not take up much room in my thoughts, EVERY career test I have taken over the years makes me either an actor, a movie director, some kind of artist, or some kind of performer. And since these fields are not within the pay range I am able to even consider with my law school debt, I will stick to the fields that will pay well that I enjoy doing, and when I am older and I don't need a paycheck to pay the bills, I will consider those fields as hobbies.

Speaking of a paycheck, all of Anonymous' arguments against what I'm doing apply to someone who is looking to work for a law firm. Trust me, in my life family comes first and I'm not looking for the kind of lifestyle that a law firm provides. Because I do not fit the lawyer mold, I will likely not end up on the partner track, and I will not work 80 hours a week just to make my billable hour requirement. However, I *am* and always have been a diligent and a hard worker, and I am not afraid to take calculated risks and to put in effort into endeavors which will take years to become fruitful. With this I am referring to starting my own law practice once I leave school.

I've been reading Jay Foonberg's book on How to Start and Build a Law Practice, and I believe I have what it takes to make this happen. I am willing to put in the effort to learn the ins and outs of running a law practice while I am in school, to get the connections with the people who can help me get started, so that WHEN I decide to go for it, I will hit the ground running. On top of that, my wife is going back to school for a second degree, so once we're done, she and I could both work and pay the bills while we get the law practice up and running. I have two years to figure out the ropes and to network, meet and befriend the right people to get started.

Lastly, looking at everything that is going on from a different perspective, this opportunity to go back to school while receiving unemployment insurance is a blessing in disguise, because it is also allowing me to look at the different fields out there even outside of engineering and patent law and to help me gain direction with regard to which direction I would like to go, if not the path I am already on. This IS potentially a mid-life career changer, and there is no denying this. Having the ability to return to school is quite a gift, as I feel that I HAVE made some major mistakes along the way with regard to career decisions (first thinking of becoming a doctor while being a Cohen, then going to law school thinking I'll be able to practice patent law right out of school), and so this could afford me a clean start. I will look at things from a fresh perspective, and will try to find the best profession that will fit the needs of my family and my goals. I expect that electrical engineering IS my path because everything has led to this, however, I AM open to other possibilities. What a privilege to be able to make decisions like this at my not-so-ripe age of 31.

Zoe

I finished my projects and was laid off. :)

2009-04-06T17:28:00.000-04:00

The great posts usually come when I'm fired up and angry, so I'm sorry if I disappoint. I do have good news though.

On Friday, April 3rd, I finished the patent application that I was working on and submitted it for review. I had one last project before I ran out of work again, and defying fate, instead of spacing out my work so that I was assured billable hours to fill my daytime in the days to come, I blew through the project being as efficient as possible. This was a challenge to G-d and to my boss because I knew that after this project was over, there was nothing further for me to work on.

Hours before I finished the project, my boss asked me for a status report on the project, and within minutes, I saw the CEO in a closed-door meeting with my boss. Minutes later, I got an e-mail stating that there was to be a company meeting with only a select number of people in attendance. In my heart, I thought to myself, "wouldn't it be nice if this meeting was the meeting where I would be laid off." "No luck" I thought, "G-d doesn't like me that much. I'm just going to have to quit after I use up my remaining days off during the coming Passover holiday."

I entered the meeting and thought the select people in attendance made for an interesting combination. "Mostly administrative staff," I thought. "I wonder what they want from me on this matter."

The CEO and the other partners entered the conference room and handed each of us an envelope. "Effective immediately," one said, "you are free to go home. We have terminated your employment here." Inside, I was totally overjoyed because work has been so dead for so many months I was thankful that I was being laid off and that I didn't have to quit. Instead, I kept a straight face and I said nothing.

Some stormed out of the meeting in anger, others just got up in shock and left without saying a word. I asked a few questions, offered to spend a few more days to make sure that everything went smoothly regarding the projects that I finished, but they told me it was not necessary and that they wouldn't be offended if I went home.

So that is it. I closed up shop, had a meeting with my boss explaining any loose ends that needed to be closed after I'm gone, and quietly left work without saying goodbye to people. I didn't want to make a fuss about it, and I didn't want to make a scene, if only to save myself embarrassment from being pitied. I called my wife and told her I would be home early, found a terminal where I had access to the internet and filed for unemployment online, and headed to my car to leave work for the last time.

Now all this might sound like a sad sad story, but as you know, I was days away from quitting. Not only that, I was quitting so that I could go back to school full-time to finish up my engineering degree and move my family to California where my in-laws are so that my wife can be around her friends and her family where people can help her out with the day care and the day-to-day activities of our family. Now I get to do all that *AND* I get unemployment insurance to fund my transition. I also called the unemployment office, and found out that there is no need to stay in the state, and going to school (even full-time) is not a hindrance to receiving unemployment; I would only have to be available to move back if I find comparable work which is fine with me. So there you have it. This chapter of our lives is over and the next chapter is about to begin.

Not fired, and ANGRY AT G-D FOR IT.

2009-03-18T22:59:00.000-04:00

It has been a few days since my last blog entry where I was sure I was being set up to be fired, and to my consternation and disappointment, I wasn't fired. I received a few e-mails from readers about the difference between being fired for cause versus being laid off, and one thing that I kept in my head was that I wasn't doing anything wrong -- despite the fact that I would love nothing more than to be laid off so that I can be free of this negative environment, I still had a halachic duty to perform my work diligently and not to intentionally get fired. I kept a clear paper trail of the work that I did, the results that I produced, and despite the fact that I submitted everything on time and ready to be filed, we still missed the 4-month patent application deadline.

I was quite annoyed at this concept of being fired for cause, but the law in the state that I'm working is that regardless of whether your boss chews you out when you do something wrong, if he lets you go back to work afterward and doesn't fire you on the spot, and if he later changes his mind and fires you for your screw-up anyway, that is not considered being fired for cause because he let you go back to work. In my mind its similar to the adultry divorce cause of action -- you can't use it if you reunited with your spouse after the adultry and then change your mind and get a divorce anyway. You'll lose in court.

Anyway, all that is side news. Aside from the shock and terror of being fired because I felt that I was being set up, I am even more upset now that I haven't been fired at all. Look, I prayed many times for G-d to direct me in the correct path, and if I wasn't supposed to be fired, then I would accept that. I was just hoping that wouldn't be his plan. I have plans. I really want to leave and to move on. I am very -- VERY -- unhappy at my current job. I have no friends there. I have insufficient skills to do the work they're having me do. I can't concentrate because I am so stressed out most of the day. I am tormented by my boss who waits until I have my jacket on to leave for the day before he pulls me into his office for an hour long meeting grilling me about something or other, all the while knowing that I was leaving for the day. Even on Fridays when he knows I need to leave early for Shabbos. Since I've been working for him, there hasn't been ONE Friday these past few months where he hasn't delayed me in some form or another by calling me in for a discussion or asking me to do some task AFTER it became time for me to leave for the weekend. Most of the time so far I've been able to deal with it, in that I usually leave an hour earlier than I need to, just to account for unknowns such as traffic and delays. Cutting back to the point, it's a very negative environment and I wish my tenure there would end so that I can move on with my life.

I made the decision with my wife when I went to visit my wife's family that either way -- whether I'm fired or not -- I'm going to leave my job and we're going to move to where my wife's family is so that we can be nearer to them and so my wife and I can go back to school -- me for an electrical engineering degree, and my wife -- well, she wants to keep that private, because it doesn't jive with her other degree.

That being said, I also decided that I do not necessarily want or need to work for a law firm upon graduation. Rather, I decided that as soon as I can, I will be opening up my own patent law practice. I purchased the "How to Start & Build a Law Practice" by Jay G. Foonberg book, and I've been reading it and I believe that I fit the personality of one who would start his own law practice. Thus, in response to Anonymous' comment, you're right. Law firms suck. They're conformists and they don't give people like me even a chance, EVEN THOUGH I will have the electrical engineering degree. You know what I say? Screw them. I will get the degree anyway and I will generate my own business. I have hundreds of contacts with technology companies from working with them over the past years, and am friends with MANY patent attorney lawyers. I have no doubt that I can generate enough business to keep me busy for the rest of my life. However, I do feel that if I am to stay in patent law (which I must because the state in which I will be practicing patent law and starting a patent practice is NOT a state I am admitted to -- I have checked into this a billion times -- there is no issue with this because the law being practiced is federal law, not state law, and I am licensed by the US Patent & Trademark Office to practice patent law) I do need a specialty, because my liberal arts undergraduate degree just won't cut it in the patent world, even working as a generalist patent attorney on my own. I do believe an EE degree WILL help me get business, and to get a job working in-house for a technology firm later on if I choose to.

Now here's the G-d part. I am under SO MUCH PRESSURE knowing that if I don't get laid off by the end of the summer, I will be forced to quit and forego unemployment insurance and I'll have to find a way to raise money fast to pay for my wife and my schooling and our living expenses all the while I am back in school. This has been putting an undue amount of pressure on me, and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I am finding myself angry at G-d for not having my boss fire me when he had the chance and when I had no work to do, and I don't understand (not like I need to) why he is not making things easy for me, and if he has other plans for me like he usually does contrary to what I think his plan is for me, I wish he'd make his plans known so I don't have to have a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of not knowing what is in store and hating... HATING where I am in life. I was crying today and I asked G-d, "what have I done that is so bad or so wrong that you punish me each day having me stay in an environment where I'm tormented and kicked around like a punching bag? Why do I deserve this?" and I find myself getting more and more distant from G-d in SPITE and ANGER at him making my life so difficult. I have paid my dues. I have always worked hard. Why is it that life is so darn difficult? Why is it that people who did not go to college and did not get educated take home more money every week with their $25,000 annual income than I do with my six-figure school loans and mounting interest that I can't get out from underneath? Why am I forced to be a slave in this lawyer job world system? Why can't I just say sionara to all my debt, declare bankruptcy, tell everyone to take a flying hike and just disappear out of the system?? Why?

Thoughts prior to tomorrow...

2009-03-15T23:37:00.004-04:00

I wanted to share a few of my thoughts prior to entering the workplace tomorrow morning. I have spent much time thinking about this and when this whole fiasco started about being framed to be fired regardless of what the outcome of my work, I decided that if becoming fired were to become imminent, I wouldn't lower myself to the level of the one doing the mischief. There are things going on in this world that I cannot see or understand, and this certainly appears to be one of them.

This is a world of chaos; a world of unknown forces, and a world of backward plans that always seem to go awry just when I expect them to go a certain way. I've always joked that G-d has a sense of humor, but honestly, I don't know him. All I know now is that I am scared and I am intimidated that it appears as if fate has taken hold of the pages in the book of my life and have started doing the writing. How lucky I feel to have this happen. I am blessed. I have always believed that if you do not move in the direction of G-d's plan, then G-d will kick your butt or gently "help" you to move in his direction. That is the privilege I have, and to my knowledge, that is exactly what is happening right now.

I have an enemy. I have a nemesis. I have someone who has turned his fierce attention towards me in judgment, but he has no eyes and no power to judge and he is powerless in comparison to the judgment he will need to go through to reconcile his actions against me, a devout Jew who is nullified to his creator. I am a leaf that is carried by the wind; he swims against a current of angry war angels who only waiting to unleash their fury onto him. This is war, and he is the only one carrying a sword.

And yet I feel sorry for him. He's thinking with his head, rationalizing, and making business decisions all the while convincing himself that he has no emotion in his decision, yet he has the blood running through his veins which have a thirst for my demise. Apparently harmless, apparently friendly, apparently void of understanding that he is the messenger of G-d who is delivering to me my freedom from him and yet while he deals to me a kiss of kindness from above, he will be punished for his acts of violence against a Jew and I look away and shake my head in disappointment for the business relationship and trust I tried to build between us. Sour milk runs dry.

Now let me refocus on my feelings. I have no doubt that G-d will have some fun just to show me that I am not privy to his plan, and for some cosmic reason, I will not be fired tomorrow despite my hopes that I will be fired. I fully expect that things will smooth themselves out and I will continue working for another month or so before I run out of work or before it becomes time to leave on my own accord without dispersions or exiles from apparent wrongdoings. I am so sad about this likely fate that I want to cry at the added difficulty *not* being fired will visit upon me and that I would rather just take the red pill and slip into a deep sleep and wake up in the next chapter of my life. I no longer have the strength to ponder and to fight. I just want to know what I should do and what path I should take.

So there you have it. Tomorrow is the faithful day and I am faithless in my version of how I understand things will unfold and yet I am faithful in the fact that there is a fate and there is a time and a place for everything. G-d, show me your plan. I stand ready at the gates.

-Zoe Strickman

Boss ultimatum letter -- get me the finished application by Monday, "or else."

2009-03-14T21:12:00.009-04:00

I have a follow-up to my last post. I came home on Friday after working hard all day on the patent application (I completed it, with the exception of having the paralegals write up a few of the figures), and I realized after I left that I didn't write my boss a status update letter like I usually do -- this was never a requirement, but I have been doing so as a way to cover my butt (Ahuva) and to keep a track record of the work I did as he's been trying to remove me from my position from the day I first took off early on a Friday for Shabbos.

My boss and I haven't spoken in days which appears to be the kind of silent treatment he has a history of giving his employees before they get called in for the "you're fired" meeting. No sweat, I thought. I had nothing to lose because I understood that this would have happened regardless of whether I did good work (which I believe I did *if* he ever read it) or poor work. I told my wife that I do believe I was sabotaged here, first with my boss killing off every project I was involved in, and then cornering me about this application and wasting my time making changes to the instructions without even reading my work.

So doing the responsible thing, having completed the specification for the patent and the figures (with a few exceptions which I described above), I decided to log into my work e-mail remotely and write my boss a status letter so that he can take a look at my work just in case he wanted to. As I was writing him my e-mail, he wrote me a short ultimatum letter, something like "I expect to have a completed application on my desk first thing Monday morning, or else." After reading that, I saw where his thinking was headed, and so I decided to add a paragraph saying the unsaid things. In short, I am no longer afraid or intimidated by him. He cannot hurt me or intimidate me any more. I have pasted the letter I wrote back to him below.

Dear [Boss],

Since our discussion, I made some good progress re-writing the specification from the point of view you suggested. With a few exceptions which I will list below, the figures appear to be in order, and the specification has advanced almost to the point where we will be able to review the application on Monday together and present it to the client for his suggestions. The next due date would have been 3/15/09, but even with that falling out on a Monday, I am of the understanding that even though we wanted to be prepared to submit the application by then, you did not send the set of claims I sent you last week on to the client for approval and thus even without the required back-and-forth discussions that you said would have had to take place with regard to the specification, we would still not make this deadline.

The last thing that needs to happen before I give the application to you for review is that contrary to me trying to consolidate the figures from the initial specification, I came to the conclusion this morning that all of the figures relating to the XYZ system should be included for the disclosure to be complete, and that it would have been way too time consuming and complex to try to move forward without them unless you wanted to remove the entire XYZ system from the invention which in my opinion would go against what the client is looking for. Thus, when Bonnie returns Monday from her daughter's wedding, I will have her create the figures from one of the templates we have, unless you are able to retrieve them from the client because the copies we have are inadequate for use.

Lastly, I was thinking about what you said about me "spinning my wheels" with regard to the specification. I am hesitant to say this, but I do feel as if my wheels were spun because I feel as if I had different instructions at each point of writing and re-writing the specification. Had we sat down initially and discussed the figures rather than having me draw them up without review and then write the specification around them only to find out that the figures were not correct causing me to have to review and rewrite much of the application, and had we gone step-by-step and you reviewed my work as I went along as this was the first specification I have written for you, I believe many of the billed hours could have been spared.

All this being said, I do believe you will get a complete draft by Monday morning, but there is almost no chance you'll get the figures that Bonnie will have to write up when she returns.

Have a good weekend,
Zoe Strickman

I must add that I found it interesting (and a bit amusing) that my boss wrote me the ultimatum e-mail long after I left on Friday knowing (hoping?) that I wouldn't have received it until I got into the office Monday morning; that way, he could argue that had I been at work until 5pm like every other employee should be, I would have received that e-mail and if I were a dedicated employee, I would have worked through the weekend (even abandoning the Sabbath if necessary) to get the application on his desk by the time he asked for it. Obviously that is not going to happen, as my part of the application is complete and I am not the paralegal who draws the figures.

Let's see what comes of this now...

Zoe to be fired from his job?? The perfect storm of events at the law office.

2009-03-12T22:44:00.008-04:00

Okay, it's been a few weeks since I last wrote because I had a job emergency come up that needed to be taken care of. In short, my boss has been holding work back from me these past few months causing a whole bunch of problems, and he has been threatening to fire me because there apparently is not enough work in the company to keep me employed.

This would be a big problem if it were true. I believe that I don't have enough work to do -- I've been complaining about that for some time to my higher-ups in the law firm. One time I wrote a letter to the partners asking for work and my boss (the partner to whom I am assigned to work under) stormed into my office screaming at me that I will get myself in trouble by rocking the boat. It was only later that I found out that there was plenty of work in the company, but my boss was keeping much of it and not assigning it to me despite my outstanding record of producing good work and way before the deadlines. When starving me of projects to work on didn't work (because I started to look for work with the other partners), he decided to work on another approach. He thought, "let's overload Zoe with deadlines he can't possibly meet."

Then I would go from famine to feast where I would be given a project that should take around 20-30 hours and a week or so to complete, and I was given the project to do TWO DAYS before the deadline, causing me to be at work until all hours of the night for nights in a row leaving my wife stranded taking care of the babies more-than full-time. I saw this as a test, and the three-or-four times this happened, I did what I was supposed to and I completed the project producing efficient, high quality work.

This last part however is what caused the emergency. This time around, my boss decided to give me a very complex and poorly written patent application to fix up, and I spend a number of hours and I fixed it up. Then he told me that I was supposed to draft the specification from scratch, so I got to work, and every day I e-mailed him where I was, a copy of my work, and questions I had on the path I was taking. He never read my work, never answered my e-mails, and never gave me any direction. Instead, after spending hours at a time going fully down one path, without looking at my work, he would tell me that he wanted me to write the specification in a different way, causing me to spend hours redoing everything I just did the previous time. Then when I completed my work, he would tell me to do it a different way, and I would redo my work all over again without him looking at the previous version. This has been going on daily for the past two months now. I did raise objections to him not reading my work or giving me feedback, but he insisted that he'll only look at the completed application, however, each set of directions he gave contradicted the previous set of directions, yet, I was able to do what he said, exactly as he told me to do it so I didn't think it was so bad. However, I did notice the HUGE amount of hours that were mounting up on this project, and I knew how many hours the client expected it to take and so I saw a catastrophe about to happen.

In short, prior to leaving work on Friday, he came into my office demanding a completed version of the claims and the specification. When I told him what I already e-mailed him, he started on the "no, I didn't want X. I wanted it Y." Funny enough, the way he wanted it was EXACTLY the way I gave it to him the previous version. Had he read the work I was giving him, he would have not made that mistake. Anyway, he demanded to see a copy of the specification as I had it (as if I wasn't sending him updates every day), and I confronted him about not getting feedback from him and so he agreed to meet me on Monday to review my work.

On Monday, we met and he was frustrated and he did not understand the flow of the patent application, and he wanted it a certain way which was in direct conflict with the way I had all 60 pages of the specification written. He also demanded that I give him an accounting of the hours I billed on the project because he couldn't figure out where I was spinning my wheels (pretending to be oblivious to or forgetting the fact that I was spinning my wheels following the different versions of his instructions). I was sure I was going to be fired, but by that time, I was no longer worried about getting fired because I figured out his game and getting fired appeared to be a certainty; I just couldn't figure out when it would happen. It appears to me as if he was either completely mismanaging the project, or he was intentionally causing me to redo my work and spinning my wheels to make me appear to be incompetent. I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but he has done things in the past to make me understand that he is always looking for a new way to cause me to be next in line in the unemployment office.

Anyway, my plan is that if I get fired, I will move my family to the state where our in-laws are, because my wife would really appreciate the help and the company. I would also return to school full-time to finish the electrical engineering degree I have been working on part time since I graduated law school and got this job. My wife also wants to go back to school, and so together we would be students again. To support this change, we would either take out loans (an option I am uncomfortable with) or one or both of us can get a part-time job to pay for our expenses while going back to school. Then, by the time we graduate, my wife will be able to go to work in her new field (she disliked her former occupation), and by then, the economy will hopefully have recovered.

While my wife is encouraging me to quit my job and go back to school regardless of whether I get fired, my opinion is that it would be nice to be fired so that I can receive an unemployment paycheck while we move to the new location and set up shop to go to school. Anyway, this is my plan, but I feel a moral responsibility NOT to do a chilul hashem and so I am working my hardest to finish this project and work diligently on every other project that comes my way until it is time for me to move on.

That being said, I couldn't help to think that it was a perfect storm of events where I had my first review with my boss this Monday, on the day I was fasting and leaving early, and the day before I was taking paid time off for Purim (I arranged this months in advance), and the 4-month date for the patent application is due this Sunday (which means in the patent world that it could be submitted on Monday), however I noticed the most interesting thing.

My boss has not shared the final and complete claim set to the client in over two weeks and the client is asking for it. Additionally, there is almost a certainty that we will miss the 4-month date for submitting the patent application because with all the wasted time, the half-day on Monday (the fast of Esther), and the day off on Tuesday, there is absolutely NO WAY it can be finished by the due date. Thus, I am almost certain that I will be fired.

To add evidence to my case, I had an office action due this past Monday. I had the completed office action prepared, completed, AND REVIEWED by him the week beforehand, yet he intentionally missed the deadline for filing my response to the office action (a slight note here, he demands that all filings with the USPTO be in his name regardless of whether he wrote the response or not). I was confounded when I found out he did this, but then it occurred to me that with the apparent mess-up with the huge amount of billing on the current application coupled with missing this Monday's deadline (even if I completed it in time which I technically could, my boss told me that he wouldn't submit it because he would need for it to go back and forth a number of times between him and the client which would take at least two weeks time), my boss is creating "evidence" to have me terminated.

If I were my boss, this is how I would play it (and I have a feeling this is exactly what he is doing). I would wait until I completed the application, and then I would fire me for "efficiency reasons" or "insubordination" in that I missed the deadline for the office action (which we both know is not true and I have documentation to prove it), and since I missed the filing date for the application I was working on. I (my boss) would still bill the client for the work I (Zoe) did, but I would give a discount and say that I fired Zoe because he was taking too long on his projects and missing deadlines. I (my boss) would then pretend to work hard on the clients application and I would present the complete claim set that I (Zoe) did, but I (the boss) would pretend that I did the work myself. Additionally, a few days later I would also present the 60-page specification that I (Zoe) worked on pretending that I (my boss) did it myself, and I would be the hero and Zoe would be canned, waiting on line for an employment check.

I have a feeling this is the way it will go down. However, as I said before, I *am* in school, and my wife could use the extra help which me being home with an unemployment check would provide. I would also use the unemployment to look for work, but at the same time, I would (and have) moved forward in starting plans for my transition into my in-laws' home town so that my wife can be nearer to them and so my children can have grandparents. This is the plan if I get fired, and if I don't get fired, I will still likely pursue this plan in the summer.

So this is what is going on. Long story told as it is without embellishments. I stayed quite late last night working on the application, and I will still diligently continue to work on it and I will have it ready to submit by either tomorrow or Monday even though I know it will not be submitted until next month. That being said, I am cool and calm with what is going on, and I have seen all the angles on how this can go down. All I hope for is that I can finish the project and do a good job, and hopefully I will be laid off because they don't have enough work for me rather than being fired over this one catastrophe which appears to be part of my boss' evil genius plan.

Unintended Consequences; Letter to my wife.

2009-02-25T19:04:00.007-05:00

You could say the world is full of unintended outcomes... We elect former-President Bush, a republican, and we end up having eight years of a democratic government; we invade Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction, and that war becomes both his legacy and his downfall. I could go on, but really, I'm just looking for examples of unintended results to broach the point of this diary entry.

Mikey was correct in that I went through a few names prior to thinking up the brilliant gender-neutral name of "Zoe Strickman," a perfect conglomerate of the names of those of my past who have made me who I am today. You should know that the name "Zoe" is not pronounced "Zoey" (the woman's name), but it is just as it is spelled -- "Zoe," which in truth is short for Lorenzo, a man who I listened to almost daily for many years of my life and who I looked to for guidance in forming the person I wanted to be.

So Mikey was correct in mistakenly calling me by a previous blog name which was short for "Hershey Kisses" and "Hershey Park," formerly two of my favorite foods and places respectively prior to becoming religious to the point of keeping cholov yisroel and being introduced to Six Flags, my new favorite theme park spanning across the US of which I've visited many of their parks under one unlimited summer past during one fun-filled summer I will never forget.

All this talk of Mikey and my frustration of people trying to figure out who I am combined with the recent tensions I've been having at home between work difficulties, career direction difficulties, and school all balancing (and in my opinion secondary to) my home life I suppose has piqued EVEN MY WIFE'S INTEREST in the blog.

The problem is, even though I asked her to stay off the blog, she ignored my request and went on anyway.

I'm not sure this is a good thing, and this is certainly an UNINTENDED OUTCOME, the thanks to which I owe you, Mikey. Now because G-d made you think to call me Hershey rather than Zoe, I got annoyed and now my wife is one of you thus taking away my ability to be fully forthright in my diary entries for fear that I will get a lashback from the things I've written by those I love. This is why I shut down my first blog in its entirety; I had too many of my friends visiting and reading my personal blog and any time I wrote something about them (whether or not I named them), I'd get hate mail and hurt feelings from their misunderstandings of what I have written when the whole problem could have been averted by not reading my private stuff.

On the topic of my wife reading the blog, the problem is that I feel that any issues that need to be resolved between me and my wife should be resolved between me and my wife face-to-face, and not via a blog that she reads from time to time to take my temperature as to how I am feeling about things in the marriage or with the relationship. A blog should not be a crutch for human interactions, and I could easily see it being used that way.

*I AM NOT THE WEATHER OR THE YAHOO! NEWS, AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE INSULTING THAN CHECKING ON ME AS IF YOU'RE CHECKING THE WEATHER OR THE NEWS. I AM A HUMAN BEING TO BE TALKED TO AND TO BE ENJOYED AND CHERISHED, LEANED ON, AND ADMIRED. I AM SOMEONE TO GO TO FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I AM NOT A NEWS REPORT ON WHAT IS THE LATEST AND GREATEST ON YOUR OWN LIFE.*

Thus, IF you have disregarded my wishes that you not read the posts on this blog and you are reading this, then you too have violated my privacy and have invaded into an area into which you have not been invited. I feel hurt and very small that you have decided to disregard my wishes and read my inner thoughts when these inner thoughts are meant to be shared with you BY ME PERSONALLY where we discuss what is on our minds and we connect by sharing our thoughts and our feelings, not via a news feed.

If for some reason you have developed an interest in me and want to be more a part of my life than you have been, then yes, asking me to share with you PORTIONS of my blog posts is a great way to have me share many parts of myself with you. But some of the things I have written on this site are just simply too embarrassing or shameful to me because they expose a side of me that is out of control sometimes or lacking confidence or the kind of emotional strength I try to exude when I am around you, and I would feel violated if you knew those things about me which undermine what I try to show you as being who I am. The fact of the matter is that I don't share all my thoughts with you because we don't have that kind of relationship despite my attempts to develop that kind of trust with you. Another fact of the matter is that you don't know everything that is on my mind because half of the time you shut me up before I get a chance to even share what I wanted to share with you, hence much goes by the wayside.

But generally all you'll find on this blog are problems and issues. I don't have any motivation to write blog entries when my day has gone wonderful. I only write my diary entries when I have a need to reflect, hence this is not an accurate portrayal of the complete way I see things. My blog serves the same purpose of a diary -- to catch emotions and reactions -- and nothing more (except a blog has the perk of getting objective feedback in contrast to diaries which only gather dust on a shelf only to be burned years later when you're covering up things or values you ones thought or felt.)

Thus, unintended consequences. The point of discussing Mikey was never to have you come visit my blog. This was an unintended consequence; let's see what comes of it. Since our IM, you have shut down all communications to me and have not answered any of my correspondences to you, making me nervous that "here we go again" I have offended you, or that I have hurt you with my cold, sharp tongue which stumps out from the tongue of my hand writing each and every hurtful blog entry that threatens any rosy lalala vision of Eden that you might have, bringing to the surface the one unrecognized truth -- that one of our needs haven't been met and that one of us wants more from the relationship than the other has provided. Crashing windows, falling glass, welcome to Frumpterland.

Letter to Mikey on this blog's policy with regard to uninvited guests.

2009-02-25T12:52:00.005-05:00

I was thinking about one of the messages I got from a person named "Mikey" which got me thinking. This message is not only to him, but to others like him who have stumbled onto my blog and who think they have "figured out" who I am. This goes against the purpose of this blog, and if any of such persons are on this blog without my permission, I consider this a violation and I expect that you will abstain from visiting the blog in the future. This blog is private.

The concept here is Loshon Hara, many people's favorite sin (and Mikey, I'm not saying this is yours, or that you are correct; you could be a well-meaning, good person). I am posting articles of this blog onto a public forum, hence anybody is able to access the blog. This is similar to me leaving the front door to my apartment unlocked. However, just because access is possible does NOT mean that it is not a trespass or a violation. A person wouldn't walk UNINVITED into another person's unlocked house, would they? Anyone that does risks getting shot.

My blog is my personal diary, and the benefit of the blog is that I have readers (many of whom I have developed friendships with over the past five years and keep in regular contact with and whose feedback I value) who read my blog for whatever their reasons -- hopefully the content on my blog helps them with their own issues that (chos v'sholom) they are facing. But, for whatever reason, I publish the blogs with the intent of getting FEEDBACK and COMMENTS which help me resolve or take positive steps to resolving personal issues that I am dealing with, whatever or with whomever they are at the time. ...back in law school, the blog was about dealing with the psychological issues facing a law student, and during other times over the years, they have been with regard to religious issues such as faith, observance, and understanding problems as they arise.

The blog has been a very helpful tool for me, but it only works when there is honesty, trust, and full disclosure of the issues and the feelings revolving the issues. The facts of the circumstances are obviously changed (and often not well enough) with regard to genders, locations, and relationships, but hopefully the changes are enough so that 1) the issues can still be properly addressed, and 2) as I have said in previous blog entries, so that those reading my blog would not recognize me "...if I were standing right next to them," as has happened on many occasions when friends of mine discussed the blog with me oblivious to the fact that I was the author. This is not because I have a big ego or that I get my jollies by having readers show an interest in my life, although I would never deny that this is a benefit of having a blog. I keep the anonymity for the simple reason that this world is not always a friendly place, that there are people who get pleasure out of hurting others (may they be cursed), and as a lawyer, there is an age-old rule, "NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN THAT CAN LATER BE USED AGAINST YOU!" of which makes me nervous about anything I put down "on paper" in this blog.

Thus, in order for me to continue to keep this blog up, and to fully disclose to you what is going on in my life, I need 1) anonymity, and 2) privacy. I need to know that you will NOT be sharing details about my personal life with others. In Jewish law, this is called "Loshon Hara" and is a severe transgression. For that reason, I never name names in this blog, and I expect that you will never do so either.

But if anyone of my friends or those who know me want to get in touch with me, I have a private e-mail address under the Zoe Strickman name, frumpter@gmail.com. If you know my real name, I invite you to either e-mail me or join me on facebook.com -- depending on who your are, I might even be okay with you viewing this blog. However, if this permission was not EXPRESSLY granted, then this blog is NOT a place for your eyes -- the door is unlocked, but entry is NOT WECOME and NOT INVITED.

-Zoe

PS - Obviously, I can't enforce this or stare at you down the barrel of a shotgun, but if you continue to read this blog uninvited and against my wishes, you must understand that you are doing so under the condition that you KEEP WHAT YOU READ PRIVATE. You have been warned that discussing my private matters with others is a violation of loshon hara, and you'll have worse to answer to than to me.)

2/22/09 Diary Entry, 10:30am.

2009-02-22T10:53:00.009-05:00

Some blog posts are written for feedback, others such as this one are written just so that I can somehow record how I'm feeling at a certain time. Obviously my feelings don't have to be supported by reality or make sense.

I'm having a difficult time without my wife and my children. They've been in California for the past week with her parents so that my father-in-law could have a chance to spend some time with them because he couldn't come here. My wife obviously also needed to get away for some time because she's been under a huge amount of stress, but that's not the reason for this entry.

I'm feeling as if I'm needing something out of this relationship that I'm not getting, and I haven't gotten it in some time and the bad feelings are starting to creep up on me. It's difficult staying positive and keeping a smile on my face when looking my son in the eye over Skype when really I want nothing more than to cry that I feel the relationship between my wife and I is often lacking depth. Just because two people produce children doesn't mean that they have a right to not be part in the other person's life, or to ask what is going on or even to care what is going on. Further it is not proper not to open up to the one you love because as a spouse you have a DUTY and a RESPONSIBILITY to foster closeness within the relationship; both do.

I've been feeling more and more frustrated each day because all I'm doing on the videos is saying "BAH!" to my loving almost-two-year-old son and my wife is somewhere in the background, usually not part of the conversation. This goes on for 10 minutes at a time, and it has happened almost every day last week and I'm missing my WIFE. I want to spend some time with my wife; I want to connect with her, to say hello to her, to share how much we're missing each other (is she missing me?).

I'm just so fed up with the lack of emotion in our relationship that I just want to break out and scream! I have so much pent up anger and frustration from feelings of "I'm worth something! How come you don't recognize that or acknowledge that?!?" I'm feeling used, I'm feeling thrown away, I'm feeling like I served my purpose by being there for the children and making money, but my wife has no need for me. And then I get angry at her for rejecting me because rejected over and over is how I feel. If I've kept this to myself I'd be at fault, but I'm exhausted from the many times I've shared this with her, asking her to share things, feelings, thoughts, ideas with me but I get nowhere with her leaving me frustrated yet again and again.

What gets me so deeply and what hurts so deeply is that I see that my son is noticing this and that is killing me inside. He is starting to recognize other people's feelings, and is starting to look into my eyes and react to how I'm feeling which makes me wail in sadness inside because I'm afraid that he is sensing my frustration, tension and sadness and I don't want to share this with him; I don't want him to know this. And moreso, he's beginning to copy me.

This hurt the most the day my wife and I got into a verbal fight. I kept a calm demeanor when fighting with her over whatever the issue might have been at that point of time (sometime last week and the week before), but what has KILLED me inside is that my son has started to mimic my intonations -- my angry intonations when I've spoken to my wife in anger.

I've lost interest in writing. I'm going to get back to my school work.

Much to my wife's credit...

2009-02-19T20:38:00.007-05:00

I appreciate that many of you are sticking up for me and even writing me letters with advice. While some of what you are saying is true, I felt that I needed to clarify the truth of things because I am not sharing all this with you so that I can have a pity party where I am the star of the show. My goal here is to get help which is to my being impressed is exactly what I have received from you, just as I have received really good advice from fellow bloggers back when I was dealing with issues back in law school, as some of you remember. However, I feel as your depiction of my wife is a half truth, and I wanted to correct that because in order to truly work this out, I need to be upfront and honest about both her AND me.

The me I'm pretty sure you know. I am a hard worker, a loving father, a caring husband. I let my work dominate my life from the hours of 8am-7pm every day, and I don't take my work home with me. Family is family, and work is work. For the most part I am not happy at my job because I am lacking enough work to keep me going at full capacity and thus I am often bored or I end up billing way too much time to a project just to make my minimum billable hours requirement. ...and when I bill hours, for the most part, I've done work to justify that billing. ...but that's okay because I feel that I am always one project away from being fired, so I do the best I can and I leave the rest of it up to G-d. Honestly, I would enjoy being home more than going to work every day, but the saving grace is my iPod with news videos which I listen to on the commute each way; it's my way of watching television since we don't have one in the house. At nights, I enjoy watching movies (Netflix/Hulu) on the computer, and I am taking electrical engineering classes to get an EE degree so that when I am fired (rather than if), I'll be able to get a job as a patent attorney without too much unemployment.

Those are my strengths. My weaknesses is that I have little self confidence despite the contradiction of being such a strong and commanding presence. I have an active mind that makes things up and that hears things all the time which often makes me think that something like wind batting the front door is someone trying to break into the apartment and attack my family, or that the pitter-patter of a dripping kitchen faucet are footsteps. I live my life very afraid that I'll get attacked or killed, but I keep it all to myself and I have learned over the years to stay calm so that when something freightens me, nobody around me can even notice that I've been startled (unless they have a heart monitor on me.) This is because I believe in things like angels and demons (or malachim and shin-daleds), but contrary to Jewish thought, even though I know mezuzahs on my doors protect me in theory, I'm always afraid of being wrong, especially from the many sins I commit against G-d. Now to the untrained or the therapist, I sound like I have OCD or some mental illness, but in truth, I am a realist and I know I've sinned and I sin daily and because I lack a fear of G-d I continue to sin. But I don't forget that one day there will be a reckoning for my sins, and I or my soul will get its butt kicked unless I figure out a way to change my life to act more in line with Jewish law. Bullocks, you say, but really, this is the way things are, and I'm not interested in being taught why I am wrong -- I have my mother who has more of a Yushka model of G-d then a Torah model. "G-d loves everybody for who we are, not what we do, yadda yadda, as long as we're good people, yadda yadda, he'll protect us." To take matters further, I've thought of not being religious to be more congruous with my feelings of apathy, but honestly knowing what I am supposed to do and be as a Jew, I'd be afraid to do anything else.

As for my relationship with my wife bless her heart, she and I have the same weaknesses with regard to religion when it comes to prayer and fearing G-d, but she has no secular past and I do. However, her personality is the kind of personality I've never seen until I met her. She is a kind person in that her heart loves, worries, cares for, and cherishes -- this I know because she's shared this with me telling me that she experiences this -- but I would NEVER EVER KNOW THIS BY LISTENING TO HER SPEAK OR WATCHING HER ACT. She is totally emotionless at the surface, almost as if her and Lillith (Frasier's ex-wife from Cheers) were sisters. On top of that, she has a mean and dark sense of humor where if I weren't paying close attention, I'd be hurt by her words. On top of that, she's not the best communicator out there, and being blatantly honest, her communication skills are quite poor and so she stays quiet for the most part which spooks me because the only way I know what she is thinking is based on what she says because I have a difficult time reading her otherwise. Me on the other hand, I am totally expressive, easily understanding of my feelings, and able to express them just as easily as I am able to feel them. I am in touch with my emotions, and my thoughts are crystal clear in my head. I might be a very slow thinker, but I am a very sharp thinker. Even in my wife's vocal inflections (the sounds of her voice), I can never tell what she is thinking because she's so well guarded. There is almost always ZERO emotion in her voice, and she doesn't show any interest when speaking to me (and I actually think she lacks interest because everything bores her) and so even speaking to her on the phone is painful and difficult. It always has been, even when we were dating. I just thought she'd warm up to me after getting married, and she has somewhat, but I still have a huge difficult time understanding and reading her, EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Then she breathes a certain way, she shoots anger in every direction (yes, I feel it), her tone is hurtful, and she might as well shoot fire out of her eyes because when she's angry it burns. The problem is that I have the feeling that she is exactly like me when it comes to anger, in that I find reasons not to be angry 1000 times before I decide that its appropriate to get angry. Then watch out because fire might as well be spewing out of my eyes as well. However, I've learned to short circuit this anger so I rarely lose my temper if ever, and she is the ultimate in controlling her emotions as well and so its rare that I see her anger until it has broken her down to tears. So I think you're getting an idea of who my wife is. Here's the contradiction.

I've found that she is happiest when she laughs, and she only laughs at sarcasm. Meanness calms her somehow, and so I've learned to go against my nature and to match her in her level of sarcasm, and when she's in a good mood we're perfect together. When she's not fully up to speed however, my sarcasm (which really is a mirror of her sarcasm) hurts her and makes her feel as if I'm being critical of her. But this leaves me confused because when I'm interacting with her, I'm interacting with her at her level, not at mine. This is not to say that I am not being myself, which is not true. I am myself. However, I am not my calm, friendly, and cheery self -- not with all the pressures I'm going through on a daily basis both at home, at work, and spiritually. Each is a huge burden to bear. But I do my best which is everything I can contribute emotionally and physically.

Here's the kicker. While I know she loves me, it drives me nuts that I can't see it, hear it, or even sense it from her. The only reason I know she loves me is because she is still here. I would not know it otherwise. She doesn't confide in me. She doesn't open up her feelings to me. She doesn't have conversations with me (it is usually me that has to start the conversations or else there's silence) and even when I start conversations, she's not only not interested in continuing the conversations, but she is DIS-interested in them and apparently gets annoyed by talking to me. Honestly, I often feel alone and unloved in this relationship because I get none of that from her. And when we are allowed to be physical with each other, it is rare that we are physical. I have my own bed (and might as well have my own room) which I sleep in even when being physical is permitted. While I'm sure there are exceptions, she is just not interested in me physically, even though she claims otherwise when I confront her on it. Anyway, most nights I sleep alone, and I don't even get a touch on the shoulder when being physical is allowed. I think I'm being complete in this statement.

But picture this. Under that hardened exterior is a woman who is completely in love with me, and who has committed fully her life to being in a relationship with me. She has mothered my children, and has an undying concentration and stamina to mothering our children. She tries her hardest to be a good wife and a good mother, and she also tries to do housework, although she often feels as if the attention given to the kids detracts from her interest or attention to taking care of anything else. She loves me and she can't wait for me to come home each night. In anticipation of my arrival, she often has dinner prepared (and often not too *evil grin*). She is for the most part frugal, and she's on board with our goal of curbing a lavish lifestyle for a few years so that we can get out of debt. She doesn't demand earrings, diamonds, or lavish gifts (although she certainly admits that she wants them), and she doesn't ask anything of me except for my attention, my help, and my time. She wants to be loved by me, and she wants to be shown she's loved even though she rarely shows appreciation of anything with regard to emotions in return. She treats me like a friend or a brother, but not like a husband. She doesn't lean on me, she doesn't pay attention to my feelings or even wonder how I am doing, and if she is, she doesn't show it. Since she's overburdened with the kids, she wants the paycheck, but she wants me home full-time as well.

This is my wife in a nutshell. In short, she's Olive Oyl and I'm Popeye.

Letter to an old friend.

2009-02-18T09:56:00.004-05:00

I feel that there is a telling letter that I wrote to a long lost friend that found me on facebook the other day. I wanted to share the letter with you, my diary and my readers.

I'm sorry about the passing of your dad, and I'm sorry about what you and your mom are now going through; I remember them quite well. If I had the ability, I would drive over there just to say hello even knowing I wouldn't be recognized.

I don't think my life has been difficult with things I couldn't handle, nor do I think there was much hardship in terms of tragedies, just one thing after another that I had to muster strength to overcome, and the problems appeared to pass with time, each one on its own. Since you know me before anything happened, I'm sure we have a lot to talk about, just as I'm sure there's a lot to discuss with your experiences. On the career and reaching for your dreams front, with hindsight my experience was that pretty much every time I reached for something, I was struck down, as if G-d was pushing me away from achievements that weren't meant to be mine. But that doesn't mean life wasn't full of its interesting experiences. One for example was that the work we did together led to me having starring roles at The Opera House [obviously I changed the name for privacy purposes], an experience that led to others and almost being in a movie (the name of which escapes me). But for whatever reason, that whole life fizzled out, partly around the time my parents divorced. Then started the struggles with school, trying to get good grades but only achieving mediocre grades, getting into second-class colleges, etc. which brings me where I am today which to some is really far from where I was, but in my estimations definitely far away from where I hoped I would be. I really don't care what people think about my life (even though my wife says everyone thinks it is perfect); there is a deep discontinuity between the life I live today based on the decisions I made over the years and the life I saw for myself when I was younger. I try not to think about that much because it only causes regret and I try not to dwell on negative things because they hurt too much.

But I am grateful for my family which is more of a gift than an achievement. Interestingly enough, while I have a billion acquaintances and one or two best friends (one is in Iraq and the other I don't speak much with as much as I would like), my wife says that she thinks it is funny that after all I've been through, my friendships are for the most part shallow. Obviously you could dispute that because you are one of many people I will have deep friendships with forever regardless of whether we got back in touch today or twenty years from now. Same with Bill, Joanne, and many other people from camp, college, yeshiva and beyond. I guess what I am sharing is that despite all the things I've accomplished, in sharing my history since you knew me, people and friends have come and gone and I never took the time to develop meaningful and lasting friendships with any of them (and I ended up even burning bridges with most of them as I moved onto the next chapter of my life) which has left me today without people I can call friends who have anything to do with the daily runnings of our lives. That's just an interesting side effect of my life, and something I need to figure out and fix over the coming months and years.

So you live in [blanked out location and state], eh? ...the farthest train stop and the only place in the world people don't visit or pass through on a daily basis during their daily commutes. How in the WORLD did you end up there? (That being said, I considered moving there in 2005 because I wanted to seclude myself from society and create a life where I determine the outcome of it rather than needing to go along with the rat race that forces my hand at every turn -- you could see I wasn't successful in that task.)

By the way, I think I made a mistake just now and I was referring to [blank], not [blank], although you ARE pretty far out there. Anyway, I am hours away from you, but we are not tied here and in fact, I am literally one thread away from being fired from my attorney job here because there is not enough work and so in order to fill my days, I need to work longer on the projects I have which is affecting my efficiency and thus I am always days or weeks away from being fired. That being said, my wife and I are considering moving to your state so that I can finish an electrical engineering degree I've been working on, or California which is where my wife's family is from -- that is the more likely option since her parents are there and they would make eager and enthusiastic grandparents, something we could really use.

Perfect Storm of Events; my wife no longer wants me going to school or working in a law firm.

2009-02-17T11:12:00.003-05:00

This situation is obviously a tough one, and I am VERY thankful that a therapist has read my posts and responded to them. This is the reason I keep this blog at the peril of getting other upset for my disclosure of private things, but I try to keep enough of a distance so that those reading the blogs can know me well, but I try to change the facts enough so that if they are standing next to me, they would never recognize me. That being said...

I had another interaction with my wife this morning. It was naturally me trying to be nice to her and then us getting into a fight because I got insulted. This is becoming a tiring experience. In the end, she cried and I backed off, and I got my answer. I'll back up a bit.

Last night I came home and she didn't greet me or anything. Thinking that I wasn't going to give in, I couldn't help but to go see my sleeping son who was in the room past our bedroom where she was nursing. I passed by her bedroom, and without saying anything, I smiled and waved hello. I then went into my office to work on an assignment that was due 8am the following morning.

She came in with the newborn baby and held her in front of her face and said, "stop being angry at mommy." It was so cute I had to smile. I told my wife I loved her (and I meant it), and that was it. The ice was broken.

She then went to bed, yet the kids kept waking her up. I took care of the older one spending quite a bit of time with him to help him fall back asleep while she took care of the little one. I had the speaker-remote-device for the baby monitor in my office (my wife left it there from earlier in the day) so I could hear what was going on. At one point some time later, after a number of times the newborn woke up, I could tell she was getting really frustrated and so I stopped my work and calmed her for a few minutes. Then I gave her to my wife to feed. I continued going back and forth between my homework and calming our older son (who will be two in a few months), and at one point, my wife took him into her bed which was the end of my ability to help because we're still in Niddah from the birth and I can't be climbing all over my wife's bed to soothe our son. So I let my wife take care of it.

Shortly afterwards, I could tell she was getting sharply angrier and was changing her tone towards the children, but I knew my wife wouldn't yell at or hurt our children so I didn't say anything. Then the monitor was shut off and all I heard was static; I thought nothing of that - she shuts it off every evening. I continued my work until 3am when I submitted it by e-mail, and went to bed. Everyone was asleep.

This morning, I woke up, and the first thing I said to my wife when she woke up some time later was, "wow, I saw you had a difficult night" trying to be soothing to her. She snapped at me and blamed me for not being around these past few days (she is right -- every day last week I was late at work doing a surprise assignment that I could have lost my job if I didn't complete), and then because I didn't have time at nights to work on my homework, I had two assignments and an exam due on Sunday for one class, and a large assignment due this morning 8am for the other class; I completed everything over the weekend on Sunday and didn't spend a moment with my wife who was huffy puffy about it hence the problems in the previous blog entries. Last night, I worked on the one remaining assignment which I finished at 3am.

She then went on to say that she felt that I shouldn't have done the assignment and instead I should have helped her with the children, and I should have taken the reduction of the grade in turn for not handing in the assignment (note that if I don't get above a certain grade (B+ I think), my work requires me to refund them the tuition they paid for me to take the course, a condition of my employment). I told her that I understood how she felt and that I *did* help out with the children last night, and then I went through my recollection of the night before (which between us was why I was up until 3am and not 12am). She then contradicted me saying that my facts are incorrect by three hours and she was challenging the details of when and how I watched our son which angered me because that wasn't the point. The point was that I was helping out and that I'm doing my very best to help out and I thought she was handling it fine or else I would have intervened. I got insulted and instead of starting a fight, I left the room.

Making coffee and still visibly upset, my wife entered the kitchen saying "we're not fighting; I'm not having a fight with you so you don't need to be angry" but I was angry. I told her that I thought she was distorting the facts and that it was wrong of her to argue the details of when and how I helped thus negating and making it appear as if I didn't help at all when in truth I felt I helped a lot. She continued to call me a liar and to say my facts were incorrect and that I didn't help the way I said I did which I know not to be true. She then broke down crying about how difficult it has been and that I don't know what she's been going through and how it hurt her so deeply to actually get angry at the children last night and to speak to them harshly as she did. I knew that this was the part where I was supposed to get all nice and kind, but I didn't want to encourage a habit forming of my wife crying to get my kind side, so I just reiterated that I understood that she had a difficult night.

She then said that I can't work in a law firm where I work many hours each week while she's home with the family and that lifestyle won't work for her. She also said that she doesn't want me continuing with the electrical engineering degree if that means that I will be in the office doing homework each night for the next few years. She just wants me to come home on time and help her take care of the kids, and she is putting her foot down that if this past week is the way things will be, then she won't have it.

Still keeping a friendly face, I explained to her that this past week was the perfect storm of events, and that I'll think about what she has said.

...all this being said, her mother is flying in now as we speak to take her to her home state for a week. She's leaving in the morning. I do believe I have an answer to this problem; I'll write it in the next posting.

She complains about her life which is what I have spent every moment of my years building and improving.

2009-02-16T18:33:00.003-05:00

Things at home always seem better after a day of hard work. Like most days after a fight, now hours later, I have forgotten about what happened, although I could bet you she hasn't.

This morning, I woke up in a friendly mood, and I wanted to communicate to her how I was feeling last night and yesterday. I felt that if this was to be a healthy relationship, she should at least be aware of how her words affect me so that if she wanted, she could make a change to avoid hurting me if that was not what she intended.

I told her that I was hurt by the things she said and did yesterday, particularly mentioning the songs about how her life is so in the dumps, etc. She mentioned that she can't wait to go home tomorrow to her parents for a week to get away from this life. I said, "this life that you are so desperately trying to escape is the life that you and I have built and are building together as a family. How do you expect me to feel when you tell me that every moment of my energy is devoted to building something you hate?"

I then went on to mention that everyone has their problems and there is nothing wrong with having a difficult time or even expressing it. However, there is no excuse for not paying attention to your mood and taking your hard time out on other people; there is no reason to be nasty to me when I am the only one that is trying to make her life better. I bought her a swing for the baby to sleep in (and it has miraculously worked during the nights) so she can sleep; I've come home early for weeks now not spending the requisite billed hours at work just so she will have someone home with her; I've foregone going to the gym and I've missed SO MANY minyanim just so I can watch the baby and let her sleep a bit. She barked something back at me to the order of saying that she has no responsibility for watching her temper and she can act however she wants to act.

I then entered the shower remembering that it was is the woman who is given the sole ability to make or break shalom bayis, and I feel that regardless of my contributions, she is causing our relationship to taste very sour. Moments later (knowing that turning on hot water in the other bathroom causing the hot water to disappear from my shower), she let the water run. When I didn't scream in pain, a few seconds later, she shut the water off. I promised myself that I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't do it to intentionally douse me in cold water.

After the shower, there wasn't much interaction. She wasn't really talking to me, and she was talking to our son in Hebrew (using words she knows I don't know) which bothers me because she refuses to translate them to me when I ask and so I have an apprehension that she will somehow cause a language barrier between me and my children just in case something goes wrong in our relationship.