As a follow-up to last night's interactions with my wife, I was relieved when we finally got to the conversation topic towards the later end of the night. I didn't want to mention how much effort she obviously spent cleaning things up because I knew she was fuming angry about feeling pressured into cleaning it up (when really I just wanted her to pick up after herself). We clarified things, and while my wife somewhat apologized after hearing my side, I clarified that I wasn't upset and that my only goal was to help.
Anyway, yes, I'm the jerk, I always am. There is no good that I do, and I am the most unsupportive husband in the world devoid of needs of my own and deserving nothing. It is wrong of me to expect that a diaper or a poopy or snotty tissue be thrown into a plastic bag to be kept in the bedroom rather than having it thrown on the floor. I am wrong to ask for coffee cups to be taken to the sink rather than left around the house to be accidentally spilled by our toddler later on all over my paperwork and/or laptop computer. And yes, I am wrong to ask that things be put away when they are taken out instead of just left lying around, not immediately, but when (if) the chance presents itself.
For all these things, I am the ass, I am the terrible husband, and I am the insulting jerk.
Thanks.
6 comments:
Zoe, your wife has a toddler and a *newborn.* It sounded like the brother who was supposed to help ended up being even more of a burden... And then she hast to deal with not feeling well, her baby getting sick and then you getting sick on top of it.
Really, that child is on a 3-hour schedule right now (I'm guessing.) Her first, primary, and maybe even only responsibility right now is to figure out how to deal with a new baby on top of take care of that toddler.
Most women have at least one relative *actually helping* until they get the routine with the new child down. Someone responsible should have been there for at least the first two weeks, if not the first month.
A messy house is NOT what you should be worrying about right now. If it's driving you insane, see if your parents (or hers) can help you two afford to hire some cleaning help.
Why are you expecting your mother to applaud your willingness to hold your sick son's hands all night? That is *expected behavior* from the father of a newborn.
Using words like "betray" to describe a minor lack of consideration on her part (waking you up late at night to care for the baby when that's what her brother was there to do)... that's worrisome. There is way too much hostility in your marriage. You need to find some way to resolve it before it starts affecting your children. Have you two considered couples counseling?
The shiksa here agrees. You need to focus on what's important: and here's a hint, the coffee cup isn't it. If you want to have kids, mess is a part of it. If it bugs you, hire someone to help or pick it up yourself.
I think you also need to be stricter with your kids. You shouldn't have to sit for a half an hour putting a kid to sleep. Put him in his room, tell him you expect him to stay in his bed until he falls asleep, and leave his room. Indulging your kids doesn't do you or your kids any favors. You're driving yourself nuts for no reason.
About your wife, stop expecting so much. If she's still the way she is after two years of marriage, chances are she'll always be that way. At the same time, don't let your life hang on her performance or lack thereof. Create some private spaces/times which you firmly request she not interfere with. Like, create one space at the table that is off limits to everyone except you. At least that way, that spot will always be clean.
I am happy that you realize what you are. The first step to making yourself better is admitting what you are even if what you are is an ass, terrible husband, and insulting jerk.
Thanks. That was encouraging.
Sorry, Zoe, but you quite deserved the drubbing. ;-)
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