James Ray, the Secret, and a waste of your time reading this.

Okay, how I'm doing personally. BTW, I think it sucks that Blogger took away my ability to post pictures in my blogs. Now there is just text which can lead to a visually unstimulating blog page. But who cares. My readership these days is near zero anyway.

I've been Zoe Strickman now online for almost 5 years now. I was wondering what would happen if from time to time I decided to take Zoe out for a ride in reality and start creating a character on the street with that name. You know, open a few accounts under that name, start doing business with this name, write a few books, etc. Of course, I would do this legally and I wouldn't break any laws, but then again, BYE BYE ANONYMITY. BTW, I wonder whether my wife would enjoy going on a date with Zoe rather than me. ;) Maybe I can form him into a character that is different from me -- dressing different, speaking differently, acting differently, etc. Wouldn't that be fun to sometime be Zoe and sometimes be me?

Okay, down to business... my personal life. I've been reading about how James Ray (apparently the author of the Secret and some wealth book I have in my bookshelf unread) was arrested for a few deaths and hospitalizations that occurred at his seminar. I have no opinion of him except that he's a self-help self-proclaimed guru, and he's no Anthony Robbins (who I still have a deep affection for, even though I haven't seen him in almost ten years now). There was a time that I wanted to be Tony. I acted like him, I thought like him, and I emulated him. Well, everything except his wrecked marriage and bubbly personality. Sorry, I'm too cynical for that. I wanted to BE him, and I have no doubt or regrets that I could have. Although, I have no confidence in myself and no believe that I would have succeeded, because in my eyes, I never succeed at anything. I do a lot, and I accomplish so much, but I never succeed at anything. Somewhere along the line I always hit some wall which stops me from reaping the benefits from what I sowed. That's an argument I have against G-d, and I can't believe he'd tell me, "well, if you davened and put tefilin on every day like I told you too and you guarded your thoughts you would have everything you set out to accomplish." BOLLUCKS. I did the religious thing with full devotion and with careful attention to detail and I still kept hitting the wall. I fought my yetzer hara and my evil inclinations. I prayed every day, put on tefillin, learned Torah and circled myself with truly religious people. But I never succeeded, and in truth, I broke my promise to G-d so I have nobody to blame except for myself.

I'm not going to defend myself. I still keep taharas hamishpacha, I still daven although certainly not regularly, I say every beracha and after beracha, I learn Torah each week (although not regularly), I keep kosher, Shabbat, and halacha (except the do not steal part). Maybe from a spiritual perspective I kill and murder too. I'm angry all the time and I'm sick in the head because it's a piece of cake for my imagination to feel as real as reality, but that's all between me and G-d. Nobody is ever harmed by me, I watch my tongue and my actions, I think kind thoughts, and that is the end of my explanation.

As for the bar, I'm a nervous wreck. So many topics to learn, so much to do, but not enough time to do it all. I could throw blame at my family for this, but really if I point a finger it should be at myself for not having the discipline to do more than I already have. Anyone who sees me, however, will think this is preposterous because I'm always studying. I could always be better, be more efficient, waste less time, and devote my energies more than I have. Then I'd be superhuman.

From a psychological perspective, I am daunted by the world I am sure I created around me. I feel as if my failures are from my own actions and are consequences of my habitual thoughts and if I changed my thoughts, my reality would change as well. I cannot and would never want to think away the people in my life (except the son-of-a-bitch who will get what is coming to him one day) because I feel as if my wife and children are my biggest accomplishments, and I should hope that I am my wife's biggest accomplishment. There is so much both right and wrong and I see my own responsibility for each negative and positive. I could have (and still can) make my life so much different; I could move our life in such a different direction than the horrible apparent poverty that we live in. It's just such an oxymoron that when I am working, I'm making close to 6 figures, and when I'm not, I'm making zero. My income last year was close to $60K which is very surprising considering that I was unemployed 6 months out of last year and am still unemployed to date (although now we're no longer receiving ANY income, not even unemployment, and we're digging into every penny saved just to pay the basic bills) and yet with ALL THIS, I have child number three due in just a few weeks.

My head is swirling in the fact that if things aren't tough as they are, we'll have one more set of diapers to always be buying; one more mouth to feed; one more beating heart to share our unending and limitless love with. I feel lucky that my wife and I are a team. Our family couldn't make it without her, or at the very least, I would have needed many many months ago to become someone very different from who I have become leading towards today.

Alright, I feel as if I have let you down because I don't think this post is very telling, insightful, or meaningful. I've probably repeated myself yet again to your boredom. I am sorry for letting you down.