This isn't going to be much of a coherent post because it is 1:30am Israel time, and this is the second day in a row that I am unable to work. I am so deeply distraught about whether to stay in Israel or to throw everything back on a crate and ship it back to the US. I cannot think straight, I cannot function, I cannot focus. I think I'm also hitting a bit of a depression as well.
The issues to balance have been hashed out. We are balancing my own health and mental sanity of being isolated from my family and from society because of my work hours with the benefits being here I provide for my family as far as providing them a good community, friends, good school, and a great and meaningful life experience. But what kind of experience can a childhood be when the tatty is always somewhere else, whether that be emotionally exhausted, physically stressed, or mentally checked out?
Then I think of the physical security of the family which would be put at risk if we returned, based on the news I am hearing from the various sources I read. Corruption is rampant, the economy is about to collapse, taxes and healthcare costs are going up, social stability is fragile at best, and people are being lied to by those in power elected to protect them. And, the candidates either want to morph the United States into socialism (Sanders), provide more of the same (Hillary), or create a post-constitutional police state (Trump). Then there is the Black Lives Matter crowd (fraud), ISIS (murderers), the Muslim refugees (fakers), N. Korea testing nuclear missiles and launching potentially dangerous satellites (imperialists), and a banking system that is about to collapse (greed). Why would I want to move back to a place like this unless I am ignorantly ignoring the issues hoping naively that they will not cause my family any issues?
For days, the decision to go back seemed like the good answer. End of June, we're leaving. But then, something changed within us, and so we said, "January, maybe never [if we can figure out how to live here happily]." But without a driver's license, what was an isolating situation has redoubled itself as a very isolating situation, especially since I won't risk renting office space only to get arrested on the drive over to or from work each day. And it needs not be said, but the bureaucracy to do anything is like ten steps to do whatever you want to do, and it involves going here to this office, getting a stamp at that office, sitting down with this person who shows up to work only on every second Tuesday after a full moon between 9:00am and 9:07am. Then when you get there, he was out sick that day and you just blew five hours of your life running around for nothing, only to do it all over again.
So in sum, good community, good group of people here, good for kids, good for friends. Bad for me, bad for my connection with my family, bad for my health, and I just don't know whether I want the easy American life back, or the difficult life here. I am losing focus of what is important, and I do not know how to weigh my options. And I can't snap out of if and get back to working my butt off as I have been doing for over a year now being awake EVERY OVERNIGHT here.
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