Dying

My vitamin regimen is not working.  It has been how many weeks since I started taking the vitamins for ADD, and I am literally feeling nothing.  It has also been three weeks since I gave up soda, aspartame, and artificial sweeteners cold turkey.  Instead, I purchased a soda stream and have been making seltzer each day with some non-artificial sweeteners.

Yet it has been three weeks, and my brain is still a fog.  I have difficulty focusing, and my motivation has dropped through the floor.  Honestly, I feel as if I am just clawing to make it through the day, only to repeat the same dreadful devoid of meaning routine and day of taking care of the morning routine with the kids -- getting them woken up, negelvasser, dressing them, getting them fed and out the door, only to repeat the process with the younger kids for a second round.  Then, exhausted, I go to work, and without motivation to do anything, I take care of the incoming inquiries and I take whatever calls come my way, all the while struggling with a foggy brain and waiting for the day to be over.  I come home (usually in a rush because I've lost track of time), I take some child to some afterschool activity, I get a 30-minute workout at the gym, I pick them up, put everyone to bed with kisses, and I do it all over again the next day.

This evening coming home from a grueling day at work (where I feel as if I got nothing done) [brain fog, wanting to roll into a ball and cry], I sat down in my office at home which has been taken over by my wife with her post-graduate medical program.  I told the kids to please leave the room, and they didn't listen.  I waited a few minutes asking a few more times and being ignored before I screamed, "get out of the office!"

My wife looked at me, and said, "If you died tomorrow, their last memory of you would have been you screaming at them."  Not exactly understanding what she was referring to, I smiled at the thought that tomorrow I could die, and I thought, "Baruch Hashem!"  At least then I would be released from this life of boredom, meaningless, headaches and pain.

When I told her this, she got concerned, as if I should see a doctor or something.  "I'm not suicidal!" I exclaimed.  Rather, it would be nice to get away from all this garbage and my meaningless existence.

I thought more about it, and maybe I didn't eat lunch, or maybe I didn't drink that second cup of coffee (I haven't been drinking much coffee since I gave up artificial sweetener), or maybe I was dehydrated, or maybe my brain was mush from staring at the computer all day, who knows.  Either way, when I later took my daughter to her afterschool activity (of which I am sitting in the cafeteria typing this article), I couldn't help but to almost start crying when I was talking to her.

I am obviously not anywhere near ending my life, but you know, if it ended via natural means in a way that wouldn't hurt my family, that would be great.  I could feel myself dying inside just from the thought of being willing to let go, as if -- if I willed it strong enough, I might just be successful in dying just because I will it to be so, without any overt action needed.  Again, I am obviously NOWHERE NEAR this point, but it amused me to notice this.

[ENDED ARTICLE HERE.]  [NOTE: I meant to speak about how meaningless I have been feeling life was, and that I was not feeling anything that gave me the feeling of a REASON to be enthusiastic or motivated about life.  It all just seemed meaningless.]