IDT Energy Scam?? Door-to-door Salesmen??

I just read the articles here, here, and here.

Do you know these people CAME to our door asking for our electricity bill promising to save us money?

I told him that I wasn't the landlord and I don't make electricity decisions. I told him to ring another doorbell and I walked away.

Now I'm reading this article and I just realized that these are the guys I was talking to.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I *AM* the kind of guy who would support the underdog trying to make a living or trying to make a place for himself in the big business world filled with monopolies, so if this company WAS legit (which apparently it is NOT), I would support them in a second.

Then again, IDT is apparently owned by frum Jews, and I would support a company for that reason alone 1) if they were HONEST, and 2) if they provided GOOD service and REASONABLE prices. I don't know, however, whether this is the same IDT as is owned by the Jews, but if it IS and it IS a scam, then I hate them for being dishonest and making a Chilul Hashem. [I hate it when religious Jews scam other people. It makes my blood boil hot red.]

US PATENT BAR EXAM DATE SET FOR FEBRUARY 12TH, 2007

Okay, it's official. My USPTO Patent Bar Exam is scheduled for FEBRUARY 12, 2007!

Your appointment for the computer-based U.S PATENT REGISTRATION EXAM is confirmed.

Please find the confirmation details that follow:
Client Candidate Id: XXXXX
Confirmation: 00000000XXXXXXXX
Program: United States Patent and Trademark Office
Exam Code: USPRE - U.S PATENT REGISTRATION EXAM
Exam Date: 12 Feb 2007
Exam Time: 09:00 (8 hrs)
Prometric Test Center

Okay, so this is it. As if I weren't already in crunch time. Now we're in super-crunch time-bar-review-mode. Honestly, I feel totally panicked, as if I am going to fail and all this studying will be for nothing. Nah, then again, I've studied diligently for months.

I completed the PLI Patent Bar Exam Home Study Course, a MONUMENTAL achievement. I passed the bar exam without a sweat on my brow; another monumental achievement. This is just ONE MORE STEP on the pathway from here to where I want to be. I can do this. I can.

All I need to do is to keep doing what I have been doing, just faster and more often. I need to get my times in order and get my body used to the conditions of an 8 hour exam. I need to take exams in 4 hour blocks, ideally twice in a day. That will condition me for the exam.

This is the end of my journey. This, other than the job search and interview process, is the last hurdle before I can start working as an attorney. I am very excited about this.

- Zoe

PS - One thing that I think is cowardish of me to mention is the thought of canceling or rescheduling if my scores are not high enough to pass the exam. There is no fee to cancel or reschedule the exam date, as long as 1) I call 2 business days in advance of the exam date by 12pm, and 2) that I reschedule the exam by the middle of April 2007, the end of the window of when I can take the exam. I SERIOUSLY DO NOT WANT TO RESCHEDULE, but if I won't pass, a reschedule might be the only option. The problem -- for me, at least -- is that knowing I have some kind of an out makes me feel that it is okay to slack off just a little bit because there is a way out.

Napoleon burned his ships after he landed with his troops on the enemy's shore to show his troops that there is NO FLEEING and NO TURNING BACK. The two options are VICTORY or DEATH. I need to feel the same way.

Concerns regarding PLI's Patent Bar Review Course

Since finishing PLI's patent bar review course, I have been doing practice questions and have been taking practice exams on some PatBar StudySmart 4.0 software that a friend of mine let me borrow because my PLI Patware software wasn't working.

I am happy that I am finished with the bar review course, but I am not so happy that I am averaging 50% on the practice exams. (I need 70% to pass). Yes, on the sample final that PLI gave us, I scored a 68%, which is one question shy of the 70% needed to pass, but I have a feeling that this test was an unintended TRICK to falsely give us confidence for the exam.

What annoys me is that I did EVERYTHING the course told me to do -- in the order and depth the course told me to do it -- and I emerged from the course with a 50% test score average. This annoys me because when I took Pieper Bar Review for the NY bar exam, I was scoring WAY HIGHER than what was required to pass the bar exam, and I passed with flying colors. This course barely prepares you to pass.

What scares me further is that the PLI Patent Bar Review course that I am taking was purchased from a law school friend who bought the course in 2004 and passed the patent bar in 2005. But he was a scientist for a patent firm, so he knew what he was doing before he even listened to the first CD. Since then, the exam is using an updated MPEP (patent manual) with updated rules and updated cases. I don't know these new rules or cases, and I am relying on a 2-year old course which puts me at a slight disadvantage, but a worthy disadvantage because I payed FAR LESS than full price for the course. This was good for my marriage-life budget and was worth the risk.

To add insult to injury, the BarBri PatBar software in my opinion is flimsy, outdated, and has errors (I've looked up answers multiple times in the MPEP patent manual and have found that the answers on the patbar software were often WRONG.) This annoyed me.

All in all, I want to raise my average to at least 75% (ideally 80%) to give myself the cushion that I need to overcome any disadvantages I have from the conditions and circumstances of which I have walking into the exam.

How I was Taught to Treat My Wife in our Chassidic Marriage

Okay, Knished asked me to write about MARRIED LIFE...

Married life. Well, in my case, my wife and I have agreed to live a chassidic lifestyle which means no television in the home, whereas the home environment is centered around us spending time with each other, doing the laundry, the dishes and anything else that needs to get done, meals (sometimes with guests) and Torah learning.

[We are still watching movies, albeit outside the home because our Rav told us that it is a lesser evil to watch movies outside the home than it is to bring movies into the home and ruin the atmosphere we have chosen to have in our home.]

Generally, (and I'll try to stick to it even now,) I've made it a point NOT to speak about my wife or our relationship on this blog because even though she knows about it, I actually don't think she's been on here lately. However, I feel that it is inevitable that she one day WILL read every word I write here, and I don't want any of it to make her do anything but smile.

Yes, there are complications sometimes with our relationship. Often it is me who has the rule or the belief as to how couples in a chassidic marriage are supposed to treat each other (e.g. with respect, always remembering who we are speaking to, and NEVER cursing or raising our voice to the point of yelling with one another, cleaning after one's self, etc.) and often it is my wife who goes through life not aware of my rules until she notices that I am highly upset and often it is me who for whatever reason has let the issue build up until I'm more upset about the issue than I should be.

FORGIVENESS OF INADEQUACIES:
On my end, the trick to a happy marriage is always understanding that (B"H) I have a wonderful wife with a GOOD HEART who loves me deeply AND WHO DEALS WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS. Trust me -- I am FAR from perfect. But she deals with my ups and my downs, my messes and my idiosyncrasies, and thus since she is SO FORGIVING of my inadequacies, I have the unshakable duty to be as forgiving of hers. Plus, she is a human being just like I am; she burps, bloats, gets tired, moody, and hungry like anyone would. She is as disciplined as she wants to be in whatever areas she chooses to be, and I need to respect that about her.

GENEROSITY (ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT IS EXPECTED):
Regarding our daily lives, I feel that it is important for me to be sensitive to her needs, and I often go out of my way to do things that I don't need to do, and I try to seek out what she needs and I get it for her or do it for her before she even asks me for it (even if she would never even think of me doing it for her). If I find that she doesn't acknowledge it after a while and I start to feel taken advantage of, I tell her. If she still doesn't acknowledge it, we'll fight.

OPEN COMMUNICATION:
I learned from my Rabbi that it is very important to always keep a line of communication open with your wife. Always, even if it is something totally embarrassing, such as me getting a 3rd parking ticket in a one-week period because I get distracted and I forget to move the car or when it is something very difficult, such as confronting her on something she did that hurt my feelings, or carefully advising her on a better way to handle a touchy subject while being very sensitive to her feelings.

I learned this lesson of having complete and open communication when I received my diagnosis and I went on medication -- I told my Rabbi and I made him promise not to tell anyone -- not even his wife -- about it and he promised. Weeks later, he told me, "You know Zoe, I have never held anything back from my wife. This has been the first thing that I have ever hidden from her since we've been married." Firstly, I felt terrible that I put a separation between them, namely my dirty little secret. Secondly, this was a big lesson for my own marriage.

MOVE YOUR ANGER OUT OF HER WAY:
There are times where I get angry, frustrated, enraged at anything or anyone -- even my wife. However, during those times, I make sure I am NOT AROUND MY WIFE when I am in those states of being. She doesn't need to deal with these, and under NO condition should I take out my frustrations on her. I certainly don't hide anything from her, but I don't take my anger out on her.

When we have an argument and I see that it is escalating to the point where I am about to lose my temper or say something that I will regret, I have learned from my Rabbi that I should do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get out of that situation before I explode -- "jump out of a window if you must, as long as you get out of there before it is too late" my Rabbi says. The goal here is NEVER TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER AROUND THE OTHER PERSON. Fights are healthy, but they should stay healthy. There is no reason to be calling each other names or using the F word or belittling the other person. Maintaining RESPECT and INTEGRITY is what is needed to keep the shalom bayis (peace in the house).

EXPRESSING LOVE, APPRECIATION, AND RESPECT:
This is also super important. You should always love and respect your wife, even when you are not feeling like it. Love isn't something you have or are "in," but rather, it is something you DO. Sometimes it is difficult, especially if she is not living up to your expectations at that moment, but it doesn't matter. She is your wife and she deserves your love ALWAYS, even when you are in the middle of a fight.

Other than these tidbits of wisdom that I have learned, my wife and I (B"H) are doing well. We are learning each other's patterns and we are learning how to help the other person stay happy. We let each other be who we are, and we don't force our views of what we would like our partners to be on the other. We don't hang out 24/7, and there are times that we completely do our own thing, but at least we communicate with each other and make sure that the other person isn't feeling slighted or left out.

Most of all, it is important to appreciate who you have for the rest of your life. There will be only one person who will be there from now until the day you die (you hope) -- that is your wife. Treat her well, love her like no other, and treat her with respect.

Frumpter blog activity observation -- misleading?

I am getting quite nervous that my public blog [not this blog which is my "private" blog, but the "public" one that I put up to further disguise my blogging activities] visitation rates have gone up significantly by those I know visiting the blog, and the reason I am getting nervous is because I have been pretty much posting VERBATIM what I post on this blog on that blog...

The thing is that since I've been married and since the whole mental health issue has become quite an old one (moot), I have been posting topics on both blogs (verbatim) that are not a secret to anyone, not even to those I know or am close with.

However, with more and more people visiting my "public" blog [which has my real identity, but has significantly filtered content], I fear that one day a friend of mine who peruses my public blog will notice a similarity between the postings on that blog and the postings on this one and will figure out that I, [my real name], am "Zoe Strickman", a.k.a. "Frumpter."

I could be more discreet, but it means a lot to me that I am able to keep in touch with a large number of my friends just by pointing them to my blog. This is a HUGE time-saver, especially for someone like me at this point in my life where I have no time to keep in touch with everyone because I'm studying for the Patent Bar Exam.

Anyway, on another note, I've been looking at the statistics for this site, and it appears that this site gets some 200 visitors each week. The funny thing is that few people post comments on this site and the comment section of the blog generally seems to be dead, whereas a few months ago, I used to get a maximum of 20-30 comments per post. This lack of response to my posts is discouraging, and I am wondering whether 1) my life has just been boring lately, 2) the topics that I write about are boring and stale, or 3) maybe the statistics are wrong and really nobody is visiting the site and I'm writing to the walls.

MOCK Patent Bar Exam Results

I just finished and graded the final exam for the patent course that I've been taking. Anything between 70%-80% means that I would be ready to take the patent bar exam with minimal post-course work. (There is another 80 hours of post-course work to boost up my final score average.)

I got 68% correct. (34 correct answers out of 50 questions).

Are you psyched??? This means that I am very close to being ready to take the exam, and all that I need is just a bit of fine tuning and memorizing information.

Timewise, I finished the 3 hour exam in 1 hour and 20 mins and I still got the score that I did.

This means that since the MPEP (Patent Manual from which many questions are taken) contains most of the answers to the questions, at this rate, I will be able to use the remaining 1.5 hours to simply look up answers to difficult questions.

Anyway, I just wanted to share the news.

I just received the certification in the mail allowing me to sit for the patent bar exam! I must schedule and take the examination between 1/16/2007 and 04/16/2007.

Now the pressure is on...

Corporate Paralegal -- The Expected Rejection Letter

I am not surprised. I received a form letter from the Human Resources Manager the next day:
Thank you very much for taking the time to meet with us to discuss the position of Corporate Paralegal.

While your background and qualifications are impressive, we have selected an individual whose background is more closely related to our opening. 

We will keep your application on file should a position become available in the future for which you are qualified.

We appreciate your interest and wish you the best of everything as your career progresses in the future.
Anyway, as everybody there knew, this was to be only a temporary position until I got admitted and until I passed the patent bar.  Then, they would have to either (after a period of time) switch me over to work as an attorney or risk losing me to a firm or company who would be paying the appropriate salary.

I still feel that for the Company's individualized needs (they needed someone with IP knowledge to wade through boxes and boxes of patents and paperwork coming in because the company was going through a whole bunch of mergers and break-offs and they lost their IP department) I would have been an appropriate candidate, but I don't feel wronged; rather, I feel like it was some kind of message telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time in tangential endeavors -- rather, I should do what I am supposed to do -- I should wait for the certification from the patent office to take the exam while finishing up my patent bar studying, I should schedule the exam, take it, pass it, and start working as a patent attorney -- the whole plan all along. 

Over-qualified? I thought that was a cliche'.

Well, I had my interview this afternoon. I was supposed to meet with four attorneys, but one of them refused to see me. I was a little bit confused, especially since he was the head patent guy in the Company for whom I would be working.

In short, my interview was a DISASTER. The management whom I met with jumped all over the idea of training an attorney and paying me as a paralegal so that I can "get my foot in the door" and "learn the ropes of the business world while at the same time learning the real workings of a corporate IP department." However, the attorneys were appaled by the idea. They said that I was overqualified, and that I didn't belong in the Company as a paralegal. I tried to convince them that I was "starting at the bottom, like in the mail room" to no avail. They were right; I didn't belong there as a paralegal.

Further, the attorneys said that they wouldn't feel comfortable bossing me around, especially because I would be their equal and/or superior in knowledge in status, especially once I passed the patent bar. I am specialized in patent law, and it was written all over my resume. Part of me wondered whether they just didn't like the idea of an attorney (or in my case, a soon-to-be-admitted-attorney who has passed the bar exam) to work as a paralegal. Another part of me thought that I would have gotten the job if I erased the words "Juris Doctor" from my resume as if I never went to law school, ever. Most of me knew they were concerned that I wouldn't stick around in a medium-paying paralegal position after being sworn in as an attorney and so they would be wasting their time training me. I thought they were right.

On this topic, I spoke to the human resources guy about this issue before I even went on the interview -- he said that it was his (and management's) intention to train me as a paralegal for the short-term with the intention of having me move up to the ranks of attorney after a year or so of familiarizing myself with the business and the technology. I thought this was a good idea.

However, when I walked out of there, I was sure that I was walking out alone; ...WITHOUT the job.

On a positive note, today I learned a big lesson -- ATTORNEYS SHOULD NOT APPLY FOR PARALEGAL POSITIONS. That wasn't the lesson, but the rule. The lesson I learned was that I should finish up what I have been working on (namely, the patent bar) and I should take that G-d forsaken exam and get it over with and start working at a regular firm. This was the plan until I got the e-mail last week from the HR manager of the Company who saw my resume and thought it would be a good idea if I applied for the paralegal position.

Anyway, back to the patent bar.

Growing Pains and Suit Sizes

[original NewsTarget.com link here]

Sure, it's not that easy in the mornings. Waking up when all I want to do is sleep; getting to minyan, studying with a chevrusa -- we're doing Gemara Sukka. ...and then the dreaded daily studying -- guess what -- IY"H, that routine will soon come to an end. I got a job interview. The position isn't for an attorney, but it is for a IP Paralegal in a neighboring state. I'm very excited about this, because even though this job is not for an attorney, it is close enough and it gets my foot in the door so that when I pass the Character and Fitness review and get sworn in as an attorney, and when I pass the patent bar, I hope to have the option of converting my job title to Patent Attorney (after all, I'll already be working there). At the very least, the employer has acknowledged that she knows I am a lawyer and that I passed the bar exam, and so after a few months of training as a paralegal (which by the way pays more than a starting attorney here in my state), they'll upgrade me to attorney status.

I guess a benefit for them is that they train me to work for them as an attorney while paying me the reduced salary of a paralegal. I don't mind. At least I'll be working and gaining relevant experience that I can put on a resume and supporting my family so that my wife can feel that she doesn't need to work after the baby comes and maternity leave runs out.

So that's it. Everything else in order... My wife and I bought a suit yesterday. I couldn't believe that the 46L size that I have been for so many years no longer fit me. Was I heavier because of being out of shape or from having my pitty pregnancy belly? [If you can even call it that] -- the problem was not my belly, but the fact that the suit jacket kept arching out from my chest in the front, which is a sign that my chest is too big for the suit. We checked my chest -- nothing but muscle. Could I have my last puberty spurt - this one expanding the size of my chest at the age of 29?

Anyway, so we went up a size and "48 Long"s were ALSO TOO SMALL. I thought, "what the hey?" So we went up to size 50 Long and those fit the chest, but the suit itself was WAY too big. So we settled on my size being a large 48 Long / athletic 50 Long. We found a suit that was 48 Long and with some modifications to the pant size (adding 2 inches) it finally fit. Then we went to buy ties (I own almost none because I never wear them) and a belt. Since the suit was black, I bought a black and red striped tie -- the red was to suggest power and the black was to match the suit. However, while the whole appearance is very impressive, it just occurred to me that I will be wearing the colors of the militant black panther (black power) group, but I am white. Either way, the colors and pattern of the tie look quite collegiate, and now I have a suit that fits me for the interview.

Wish me luck!

Patent Bar - Sprinting to the Finish Line...

> Dear Zoe,

> Wow your ALMOST done!

> I have a question, How are you doing this? Are you following in the Study guide as you listen to the CD or taking notes or both?

> Or are you reading the study guide after you listen to the CD?

> - Danny

Dear Danny,
That question cost me 5 months to figure out.

This is the method they tell you to follow on the tapes:
Step 1) pre-read the chapter before you listen to the audio.
2) Listen to the audio
3) Then after listening to the audio, shut off tape and do questions and/or exercises / practice exams.
4) Resume tape and go over questions and answers
5) Do lunch homeworks and mini-exams when instructed.
6) Continue onto the next tape.

Believe it or not, this has been EXACTLY what I have been doing up until last week.

Since last week, I've decided to pick up the pace to finish this thing so that I can start working already. So I spoke to my wife and decided to hit this course 1000% [bar review mode] for two weeks. I hope to finish the course using the modified method below:

I've altered steps 1) & 3) and I have started to pause the tape as I get to new topic headings and skim the chapter contents, then I listen to the audio while looking at the book, all the while taking notes in the margins. At the end of the tape, I return to the study guide and go over the notes again, but this time in more detail because I've heard the overview from the tape. I make notes, transfer them out of the book, and keep going. Keeping going means not stopping for phone calls or snack breaks or anything until you have ABSOLUTELY NO ENERGY left to keep your eyes open and you must shower, daven, and sleep. This has been my life for almost the past week.

Oh, and I've found that it is SIGNIFICANTLY HELPFUL to speed up his speaking because he is very slow. The only way I could figure out how to do this was that I installed a program on my iPod mini 2g (called rockbox) that allows me to speed up his voice, because otherwise it would take me HOURS to get through a CD. So I sped his voice up using the "pitch" feature to 130% and now he goes at a respectable pace. Microsoft MediaPlayer probably has a similar feature.

Lastly, the past two days have been dedicated to transferring all my notes to Microsoft OneNote and creating mnemonics, Pieper Bar Review style.

I know this is a long answer to the short question, but I wanted to share with you the full experience. I can't wait until this is over. Soon. Very soon.

Zoe Strickman

PS - One more thing -- don't stop. Make this a marathon until it's over or else you might lose momentum and get totally bored and distracted from the density of this material. If you keep moving, you can blow right past the boring parts and not get stuck. That was my hard lesson -- don't stop or it will take you triple the time to start back up again.

Learning Gemara with my Rabbi as a CHEVRUSA!

By the way, I am TOTALLY JAZZED!

I was talking to my Rabbi over Shabbos, and he mentioned that his Gemara (Talmud) chevrusa (study partner) couldn't study with him on a regular basis anymore because their time schedules are not working the way they used to, so he needs to find someone to study with...

I thought... "was he hinting to me that he would like to learn with me??" This was totally an opportunity for me, and so I [calmly] jumped on it. I told him that I would be willing to learn with him; he was only willing to do it if I were willing to make it a regular thing and if I were reliable. "Hell yeah!" I thought.

So we agreed to learn Gemara Sukkah over the next year on Mondays and Fridays between 9:30am - 10:30am, but under the condition that we learn it the REAL WAY [see, infra]. The time is a slight inconvenience because 1) that is the time I usually am in shul davening (praying), and 2) 10am is when I start studying for the patent bar, and 3) if I get a job with a law firm, this schedule will be difficult to keep, but I am willing to daven earlier and change my schedule to make this happen.

[THE REAL WAY]: My rabbi learned in 770 Eastern Parkway ["770"] -- the home of the Lubavicher Rebbe. In other words, he's from the old school and he learned how to learn gemara the way the Rebbe and the bochurim [students] in 770 learned gemara. I would give ANYTHING to be able to learn gemara like that.

So I am totally excited that I will be learning with him. This will be an amazing experience, and I can't wait for the opportunity to learn with him. I've learned the tractate on Sukkah before in yeshiva, so I am familiar with the text and I will (IY"H) be able to follow him when he delves deep into the words of the text. I am very excited to be given this opportunity.

Thank you Hashem!

Waiting for the patent bar exam date to arrive...

Now is the silence before the tumultuous finale. I've passed the bar. I've gotten married. I have a child 5 months on the way. I've studied for the patent bar and registered for the exam. I've applied for jobs. Now I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for things to happen (although actually like a duck in a pond)...

I am not yet finished with the studying for the patent bar, but at least I've made a regimen of studying for a certain number of hours each day and I've stuck to it. I would say that I am 3/4 of the way finished, which is both exciting for me and scary.

I sent in my paperwork to the patent office weeks ago to register for the exam plus the paperwork and the documentation to prove that I am eligible to become a patent attorney. The funny thing is that I received a letter from the patent office stating that they didn't believe that my middle initial was really my middle name, and they asked me to resubmit my application, this time providing my middle name. The problem is that I don't have one; I only have a middle initial.

I called up the director at the patent office and told him that my middle initial IS my middle name, and that there is no name associated with it on my birth certificate or any other legal documents. He thought that was the weirdest thing. I told him "it does stand for something, but the real name is just that middle initial. Do you want me to put that name on the application?" He said, "Are you asking me if I want you to lie on the application???"

I couldn't believe we were having this conversation. In short, he asked me to send him a letter and some proof of the fact that I don't have a middle name, but just a middle initial. I sent out that documentation last week.

Other than that, in my mind I am scrambling before the exam taking in every bit of time that I can to study. I must pass this exam so that I can get a job in a patent law firm.

The Mundane Existence of Twin Flames

I'm so sorry... Lately, there really is nothing to tell... at least regarding crazy experiences which merit writing in a blog. Married life has taken my former crazy emotional life, and has turned it "normal".

I still sometimes have problems sleeping... I am still reading (absorbing) books on homeopathy so that when I have a family I will be able to be not only the "rabbi" of the home, but also the "healer" / "doctor". I am still studying for the Patent Bar Exam (thank G-d, I sent out the paperwork and am waiting for a confirmation letter so that I can schedule the exam)...

I PASSED THE NY BAR EXAM!!!

The interesting thing about married life is that things become daily activities to maintain the home... Take out the trash... Do the laundry... Get the mail from the mailbox... Clean up after yourself... Shower regularly... Brush your teeth... Twice... Daven (pray) in the morning with a minyan... Go grocery shopping... Sleep at night...

The thing that I could "complain" about (if there was something) is that nothing happens anymore. We have our respective schedules, we frequently visit her parents, we visit mine, we have dinner almost every evening, we rarely go out, we sit on the couch and read at night until we go to sleep.

As for spontenaity, this is what gets to me the most. It doesn't take ONE person to make the marriage interesting; it takes two. I can get excited about something or try to be adverturous or seductive or spontaneous, but if she's not into it, the idea flops, as it often does. If I continue being excited about it and if I push the idea (which I often do), in her eyes I am seen as annoying and childish.

Additionally, I find that I make myself "busy" (a.k.a. I make myself look as if I am busy and/or productive) because if not, I am seen as lazy and am judged. It hurts that this happens, because I am the one that just finished three CRUEL years of law school and I am the one that just passed the bar exam in NEW YORK (one of the most difficult bar exams in the United States), yet she is the one that is going to work every day and so I fear that she feels I am a slacker because I haven't found work yet. Yet, in my heart I want to THROW the blame on her that I am not finished with studying for the Patent Bar Exam because she distracts me and causes my life to be so upside down; however, the truth is that I don't prioritize my days (when I actually SHOULD be studying) well... Instead, I am busy doing the stuff that she wants me to do and am busy running errands which KILL my day (each and every day). Basically, I feel like I am the wife in this relationship, and this bothers me to no end. I NEED to start bringing in some money or else I fear that our relationship may suffer longterm.

Accidentally Caught an EVP in a "Reverse Speak" recording of my wife.

I'm actually a little bit upset at what happened tonight. I was playing with my recorder and recording my wife and playing it backwards to show her how unconscious messages are transmitted by the unconscious mind using the voice as a vehicle, and I accidentally picked up an EVP.

Let's clarify. Basically, "REVERSE SPEAK" is the concept that we speak on many levels, and our unconscious minds have the ability to transmit messages through the voice, which often are transmitted backwards, and the listener's brain picks up the messages and flips them back around.

The application is that when a man tells a woman "I love you" and in his mind he's thinking "You f'kin bi*#h," that highly negative message will be transmitted in the words "I love you," often just backwards. This is why sometimes we don't believe a person's intentions, but we cannot consciously understand why. However, if the person saying "I love you" is sincere, when you reverse the speech, often you'll find supporting messages like "you're wonderful" or something as simple as "I love you" reversed too. This is a very cool thing and I've played around with it to test my intentions and hear what is happening on another level.

However, tonight I was playing with it for the first time in quite a while, and as I was listening to my wife's voice, I heard another voice in almost a whisper. I got chills down my spine when I heard it because I got the feeling that it wasn't a human voice.

I slowed down the voice and withdrew the high pitched sounds of my wife's voice, and this left me with just the whispering I heard. It was saying "GET UP."

I decided to reverse the voice and see if there was anything there. When I reversed the voice, it said "LIE." I don't know whether this was lie as in "lie down," or "tell a lie," but either way it was not a welcome voice.

I told you bloggers a few months ago that I wasn't interested in playing with EVP because I was sure that if I tried it that it would work and I would end up freaking myself out. When I was a child, I was sure I heard demonic angry sounds from our shed. I never thought about it much, but when thinking back to this set of events, I attribute this event of the demon in the shed to a vivid imagination. I don't want to mention that there was this whole experience of the floor opening up [rocks separating] and a full visual hallucination that went along with it, but let's just say that I was a child with a healthy imagination.

Bringing us back to today, I do NOT want to hear voices on my recordings, and they are NOT welcome. The last thing I need are non-physical entities ("shin-daleds") who think that I can hear them. This is the last kind of energy I need at this time.

For more information on EVP's, I just did a quick google search and came up with this web site: http://www.allinfoaboutparanormal.com/recording_evps.html

As for the recording, if someone has a way for me to upload it so that you can hear it and isolate the voice better than I was able to, I would be willing to put the file on the web -- just tell me where to put it to make it available to you.

iTunes Podcasts I Subscribe To:

I forgot the list of podcasts from the last message. Here are the podcasts I listen to each week (as much as I can) and enjoy immensely:

Brain Food, Brain Sync - Theater of the Mind, Mysterious Universe, The OU's Daf Yomi, Chabad.org Daily Rambam & Tanya, A Quiet Mind, All in the Mind, Investor's Edge.

Recent Podcasts I've added and enjoyed: Chiropractic Kinesiology, Dr. Peter Bennett's Heath Programs, Dr. Wayne Dyer's Inspiration, Millionaire Mind Video Podcast, Point of Inquiry, Powerliving Podcast, Reiki Articles, The Innoculated Mind - Mindcast, The Reiki Show, Zencast.

There have been others over the months, but these are the ones I've come to have on my iPod. If anyone has any suggestions of Podcasts they enjoy and find informative, please let me know.

-Zoe

Ugh... Headache is still here... Slept on Living Room Floor

Ugh.. Another day of headaches... I had a difficult time getting started this morning... I fell asleep in the living room around 2ish and realized that I fell asleep on the floor when my wife's alarm clock went off this morning at 6am. I went into the bedroom and fell asleep until this morning three hours later where I missed all my morning meetings where people were relying on me.

I had a dream that my friend had a new idea for a semi-conductor chip that was living. It required a special kind of nutmeg nut, some magical water, and some sperm. The person donating the sperm in the shower got it all over me instead of in the formula. I was totally grossed out and almost threw up. People (women) took me into the bath to wash me off but then their female supervisor was coming in. The women screamed, "Tznius! (Modesty!) We'll be caught for sure!" It was at that point that I realized that if I feigned illness, they'll be forgiven and I'll be left alone. So I started pooping into my hand and rubbing it all over the wall. [In the dream, this was an okay thing to do! Yuk!] When the woman walked into the room, I moaned and said that I was sick. She understood and left the room. Then my friends came running in to show me the computer readout that the semiconductor chip was living and that it worked. The capacity for this new kind of chip was years beyond anything out in the market at the time. We were all very excited and repeated the experiment, this time with me not there.

Overall, I still have my headache from a few days ago. I'm not eating, I'm not brushing my teeth, I'm not davening, and I am having a difficult time focusing. I can't even see straight and what I'd really like to do is just to go to sleep, but I'm resisting the urge or else I'll be up all night again.

[I'd like your comments on this -- I can use some advice and feedback as to what you think is going on with me.]

Lastly, because I am unable to study and I am wasting hours playing with the anti-virus computer settings on my computer, I am getting NO studying done for three days now. I don't know what is going on, and why I can't just get with it. Am I getting sick? I feel as if I am going to pop. Does anyone have any advice?

Laws of Family Purity (Taharas Hamishpacha) b'kitzur

The laws of “Taharat HaMishpacha” (literally, the laws of “Family Purity”) are one of the fundamental elements of Jewish marriage which a man and woman undertake to learn and adhere to before entering married life.

The laws of family purity revolve around the woman’s menstrual cycle, and encourage the husband and wife to be intimate during the times she is permitted to him, which occurs (1) after counting five days after seeing the blood from the menstrual cycle, (2) checking for the end of the release of blood from the uterus, (3) counting seven “clean” days where no blood is seen, and (4) immersing in a “mikveh” (a purifying bath). After these four steps are adhered to, the couple is encouraged to be intimate and to have sexual relations.

During the time of the menstrual cycle where the blood is flowing, the husband and wife are not allowed to have any physical relations. They must sleep in separate beds, must not touch or even speak intimately with one another, and must adhere to laws which separate the couple from acts which may lead to intimacy or physical relations.

Family purity laws are learned by both the husband and the wife prior to the marriage ceremony.

Letter to an old college friend

Dear Old Friend,

You wrote me at a very interesting time. I looked you up a few months ago -- I saw you got a grant on your research. Congratulations. As for pictures, to my disappointment, you have never been one to show up on the web with images, but there recently has been a young girl who has shown up on the google searches with your name. She is an aspiring actress, and is said to be quite good. She looks nothing like you.

I got married this past Thursday, just a day after the bar exam. Can you believe the timing? My fiancee works as a doctor, and she is from Providence, Rhode Island. We were set up by mutual friends, she moved up here to Denver, got a job, and then we met. I proposed to her after just a few dates.

As you can guess from what I just wrote about the wedding, I also just took the bar exam this past week. I picked up my law school diploma this morning. I can't believe all the studying for the bar exam is over.

As for everything else, there are a lot of pressures on me from all sides to do the things I need to get done in the next few days / few weeks. Everything is changing around me and while it is all very exciting, I have found the need yesterday and today to hide out in my new apartment and not answer phone calls because I am feeling quite stressed with all the things I still need to do. The people who are calling me consist of two main people -- 1) my rabbi who is urging me to prepare spiritually for post-wedding life, and 2) my mom who is upset about the religious customs we had at the wedding and she is wondering when we are going to visit her.

From an objective view everything seems to be right on target. I seem to be doing everything I am supposed to do. My goals are in line, my values match my actions, and yet with everything, I am totally freaking out about the whole experience of being newly post-law school without a job and with a new set of responsibilities that I have undertaken. If you are as intuitive now as you were and you are picking up my high stress levels, you can imagine why I'm pretty high stressed. There are a lot of things I need to get done in the next few weeks.

As for my spiritual path, as I know you've always loved that part of the discussion, I have found meaning in the universe through the dogmatic doctrines of my faith, and I am still delving around in the mass of teachings trying to make sense of the experiences I've had. Some wacky stuff has happened these past few years and it bothers me that religion cannot explain it or at least explain the "how" of it. What weirded me out is that for a while I thought it was all in my head until I took a video recorder and documented my experiences and was surprised to see that they were still there on the video when I played them back. When I tried to show people, they thought I was nuts, the rabbis told me that it cannot be real, and I experienced more pain than anything because immediately I felt alone because I couldn't share my experiences with others who would take me seriously. Huna gives a good explanation of the things I've experienced, and I have continued my fascination with this topic while trying to follow the master plan of how a Jew is ideally supposed to act. I know you were never into this to the degree that I immersed myself into it, but it just seemed right at the time for me to do it, and it has since become a part of me. Anyway, on another level, I've found much interest in the hemi-sync / holosync technologies and I wonder whether there is validity to their methods and applications. This is something I will pursue in the future.

As for everything else, while I have been introduced to EVP and reverse speech and other such topics, I have avoided them quite actively because I have found that whenever I try one of these things, it usually works and so I don't want to attract these kinds of energies to me because most of the energies that surround these kinds of things are violent and are not happy. Recently a psychic walked up to my mom and told her that I can talk with spiritual entities.

The problem is that with what I've learned with Judaism, these aren't the sort of entities I want to be having a relationship with, and so while a few years ago I would have meditated and tried to make contact, recently I've kind of been hiding from the whole experience and have been trying to be normal. So you don't see me meditating or doing anything weird any more, but between you and me, I've kind of figured out the whole energy interaction thing between people and things in nature and have attained a degree of control over it which I think is pretty cool.

Unfortunately, it is still not strong enough to do anything with it (and I don't think it will ever be strong enough) and it can't do anything substantial so I have no use for it other than to wonder exactly what it is, and I can't tell people about it because I feel stupid, especially because of all of the movies that have recently come out on the topic where the experience has been portrayed as a hollywood superpower and so I pretend that it is all in my imagination or that it does not exist. Plus, there is an opinion that I am doing stuff that I shouldn't be doing and I am messing with the natural order of things and that it might have consequences or attract bad things to me. At one point, I thought it was a muscle and if I practiced at it, I would get really good at it and I did, but the application of it in its present state is stupid and amounts to nothing more than a parlor trick which is useless. I wish I understood it. I don't think I ever will.

As for everything else, everybody is okay.

It's always nice hearing from you. You were always an important part of my life and I'm happy that I still occupy your thoughts from time to time.

Warm regards,
Zoe

EVP & Reverse Speech

Oh my gosh, I am totally freaked out. I was just watching "White Noise," a so-so movie with the guy who played the original Batman and in the movie Duplicity.

I was very weirded out by the concept that one can receive communications by listening to the static of a TV set, but then I got to thinking that how cool would it be if it were real. Then... AT THE LAST SCENE OF THE MOVIE... There was a message on the screen saying that:

"7 out of 10 EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) messages contain violent messages."

Huh? You mean this stuff is thought to be real? So then I did a search on google.com for "EVP" and I found a WHOLE BUNCH OF SITES that talk about this "phenomenon" as if it is a real thing. Here are a few just to get you started: ghostpix.com, the skeptic's dictionaary, American Association of Electronic Voice Phenomena.

Holy Smokes! This totally weirded me out, especially from a Judaism point of view. Judaism teaches about the structure of the universe, and it talks about Angels, Demons, Spirits, and non-physical entites, and the laws for and against interacting with them. However, this is all theory -- there is no experiential side to these teachings, at least not for simple people like you and me.

I then surfed from site to site, and I noticed that on some sites they actually had some sound file recordings of the EVP messages and their relevant contexts. I played them, and it weirded me out further. I wondered after playing a few soundbites whether this might attract these unhappy spirits to me and my house, and I wondered what energies would be attracted to it by playing these sound bites. After all, if these non-physical entities are trying to communicate with us, then obviously someone who is paying attention to their existence might attract them. This scared me because from what I know about Judaism, any entity that contacts me here on our level cannot be a good thing, because our physical world (called Asiyah) is in a position only to attract the evil spiritual forces. There is more to this and I am sure my statement will be misunderstood, but this is not the place to go into it.

Bottom line, if this is real, then this is scary for me because it makes very real things that I only thought were in my mind and in my subjective experience. I have been told by countless psychics that I have contact with non-physical entities on a regular basis, but I have always thought [and still do think] that this was all a bunch of bologna.

Anyway, I don't want to be contacted by spiritual entities, and it weirded me out at how easy it was to do so, and I am sure that if I tried this EVP stuff that I would get some massive results because with my hearing and my sensitivity to magnetic sounds and visual distortions (my brain doesn't filter out all the visual impressions that my eyes receive as it should and so I see streaking patterns all day long -- again, a topic not for this post [in fact, I've written about it in the past])... Okay, bottom line, this stuff scares me and the fact that it is somewhat a "science", that scares me even more.

It scares me because it reminds me of a phenomenon I am VERY FAMILIAR WITH called REVERSE SPEAK (a web site describing this can be found here). When I was in college, I analyzed recorded conversations and especially my highly emotional diary entries and I found messages embedded in my own voice that were totally relevant to what was going on at the time of the recording -- but these messages were only found when I played the recordings BACKWARDS. Maybe I'll put a few of them up online in the near future. I spent many weeks working on this project and found significant results to the point that I got weirded out by the whole thing and then stopped it. I also scared a few people along the way.

Another reason I scrapped the project was because I was getting negative messages about the relationship I was in at the time telling me the whole thing wasn't going to work out, and I thought the messages were my imagination. Hindsight, the messages were 100% on target and that relationship totally didn't work out for the exact reasons the reverse messages said they wouldn't.

Anyway, enough weirdness. Back to bar review. I am sort-of uncomfortable with the subject because it might be real.

Webaroo.com

A few quick things.

Firstly, I have 18 days and 5 hours, 8 minutes, and 11 seconds until my bar exam.

Secondly, I am doing well. I am totally in study (cram) mode, and I will expect from myself more than I have asked from myself in many years.

Lastly, there is a site: http://www.webaroo.com
I'm very impressed with their free software, which allows you to have internet access (so to speak) even when you are OFFLINE. Cool, eh?

In sum, much is going on, and I am half asleep and have to wake up in a few hours to meet with my Rabbi to get fitted for a Karpota for the wedding. This is totally exciting.

Lacking Energy to Fly

Just wanted to write an update on my progress. I am totally wiped out from all of the burden the bar exam requires me to bear (that is, if I want to pass), and I have been feeling that lately my energy level has been dipping a bit.

Yes, I did pull an all-nighter and I did get to bed at 7:30am on Tuesday, but I was sort of hoping that my energy would kick in, and it hasn't. I kind of feel like Spider Man in the second movie that while he was flying through the air, he lost his ability to spin webs and shoot them from his wrists and he crashed to the ground.

Luckily, I'm no spider man (although I DO have a huge propensity to get bitten by spiders, and for some weird reason I am always attracting spiders and getting bitten by them, but then again, there are also times that I am sensitive to electricity and I have a tendency to get and give electric shocks quite easily. Along this same line of thought, I can hear a TV turn on with the volume off hundreds of feet away from me. This freaks some people out.)

Anyway, as I was saying, luckily, I'm no spider man. I'm just a simple Chassidic guy who is trying to do my duties to G-d, to my community, to my family, to my friends, and most importantly, to my future wife. I'm trying to stay religious and do as much as I can while the pressures of the bar exam breath down my neck and loom around me while maintaining a healthy relationship with those I love and care about. Sometimes this can be quite a balance.

Anyway, so as it stands, I am lacking the level of energy I would like to have, and thus I am totally exhausted from all the work I've been doing to prepare for the bar exam. I look forward to it being over soon mamesh, Amen.

Nervous Breakdown?

[Sorry for editing this post; I removed a few things that I felt would give away my real identity, and I wrote this blog entry out of frustration.]

I know I'm totally supposed to be positive about everything, but I am so over stressed that I cannot even see straight anymore. Last night, I was talking to my wedding planner, and he was giving us all these catering options, etc., and I told him to STOP IT because I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was literally my head was literally going to pop. I'm not kidding.

I am wondering whether I am moving close to a nervous breakdown. I am so overwhelmed that I can't even see straight anymore.

Here are my issues:
1. I don't have a handle on the money issue regarding how my Callah and I are going to pay for the wedding, and we have not yet had the discussion on whether we have the same beliefs about how money is to be handled. We also haven't discussed exactly how we plan to pay for living expenses and this is stressing me out.

2. I feel that there are so many things that need to be done on both my end and on her end, and this is overwhelming me, especially because 180% of my time is taken up by studying for the bar exam.

3. There are some basic ways as a Chosson and Callah are supposed to be interacting during the engagement period, and we are walking the fine line between the type of relationship that secular lovers have versus the relationship that a chassidic Chosson and Callah would have.

Point being, steam is coming out of my ears and pressure is being felt behind my eyes SO MUCH that I fear that if I don't relax, I might actually break down. When I said I feel like I am going to pop, I am NOT KIDDING.

There is just so much to do to study for the bar exam. At first, I was just reading my bar review notes until our lecturer strongly spoke to me and told me that if I don't consistently do practice essays and MBE questions, I am guaranteed to fail. So now I switched my study method from just reading and memorizing the notes to doing problems, but there is SO MUCH to do. I feel like I'll never catch up.

A Soldier's Burden

I found this cartoon from coxandforkum.com to be quite smart.

I was just looking at my blogger archives, and it seems like there are no entries for April of this year. Did I not write anything for a whole month??

Bedbugs? Carpetbugs?

WTF? I fell asleep last night lying on my dad's carpet because I was working on doing adaptibar.com bar review questions in the living room on the laptop. This morning and all day since waking up, I've been totally itchy as if I'm being bitten by mosquitos. What's going on?

Former Google.com Logos

While surfing on Life of Rubin's site, he posted an article noting that Google didn't put a custom logo for Memorial Day as they customarily do for many other holidays. I followed his link to google.com's site which included images of past custom google logos that were put on the google site during the various holidays. I experienced some pleasure going through these. The link to the site can be found here. I even remembered some of them when as they were used.

Darn, it's 4:32 am and the birds just started chirping outside and I haven't even started my studying for my exam in a few hours. I guess I will stay up all night. I better get cracking!

I must note that I've had a blast tonight blogging and writing. Plus, with all the web surfing I did tonight, I've learned a lot about the projects I'm currently working on.

Book Shelf Content and Image Analysis

I get a kick out of looking at people's book shelves to see which kinds of books they have and the particular order in which their shelves are organized. For example, I was entertained by the picture on Greg Gershman's site. I enjoyed the selection of Torah books, and the way his secular books were mixed in with them. His shelf reminds me of my book shelf, and because I think quite highly of my book selection, I also think highly of his. I told him that I would be interested in seeing the full picture, because you can learn a lot about a person by looking at the selection of books on his book shelf.

By the way, if any of you would be interested in e-mailing me pictures of your book shelves at home, I would be happy to post your picture on my site with my character analysis of you based on the books contained in your bookshelf and their organization. Of course this doesn't obligate me to do so, but if I found the time, I would really enjoy doing it because I enjoy this kind of stuff. Keep in mind that I need to be able to see and recognize the titles of the books, so if you e-mail me a picture where I can't see the books, I won't necessarily be able to give you my character analysis of you.

Additionally, I have been known to be quite on target by looking at a picture of a person and giving my opinion of their character by reading their facial characteristics. I do this for my own personal enjoyment, yet the people I've done it for have been quite impressed with my interpretations.

Warm regards,
Zoe

Petition to Bring Moshiach Now!!

In the "Boker Tov, Boulder" blog, I saw a post about a petition to bring Moshiach. The petition link is HERE. My opinion is that it is a cute idea, and it doesn't hurt to sign it. I can't see how it can have any effect, especially since people will undoubtably question the validity of the document. However, maybe G-d will be surfing the internet one day soon and will come across the petition and decide to listen to our desires. May Moshiach come now! -Zoe

Yetzer Hara: New Wikipedia Entry

The "Yetzer Hara" is the Hebrew word for the "evil inclination." Over time, there have been many opinions as to exactly WHAT it is, however all opinions agree WHAT it does. The function of the yetzer hara is to cause a Jew to sin, which means to transgress either Torah Law or Rabbinic Law.

The yetzer hara has been known to be one of the most clever entities to rule a person, and it is very smart the way it causes a person to sin. The yetzer hara fights for control over a Jew's will, and it seeks to influence the Jew to act against G-d's will at every opportunity that it can.

There is a parable that appropriately describes the Yetzer Hara. There once was a king who hired a harlot to test out his future son-in-law's loyalty and fidelity to his daughter. He told the harlot that her function is to work her hardest to cause the son-in-law to give into his desires with the harlot and to tempt him to participate in acts of infidelity with her. Both the king and the harlot both hoped and prayed that the future son-in-law would not give in to her temptress advances.

In the process of completing the king's instructions, the harlot was permitted to assign and she assigned her duties to another harlot with the instructions from the king to cause the son-in-law to give in to her advances. That harlot assigned her duties to another harlot with the same instructions, and so on. Eventually, the instructions were passed from one harlot to another, and eventually, the desire that the son-in-law resist the harlot's advances were lost. The only purpose of the harlot was to cause the son-in-law to indulge and give in to her advances.

In this parable, the king is G-d, the son-in-law is the Jew, and the harlot is the Yetzer Hara.

In truth, even the Yetzer Hara while tempting the Jew to sin by trying to get the Jew to violate one of G-d's commandments is serving G-d by doing His will.

The role of the Jew is to weaken the Yetzer Hara by not giving in to its temptations.

Further, the Yetzer Hara becomes stronger when a Jew indulges in activities, even permitted activities. Therefore, it is a practice for a Jew who is wishing to wage war with his Yetzer Hara [to weaken it] to obstain from activities that he finds that he or she is attracted to. The most common example when this concept is being taught is to abstain from indulging in a steak, or in ice cream, or in sexual acts with one's spouse, even though these activities are permitted.

Side Note: In Yeshiva, I used to find it so funny and yet disturbing that the Rabbis, when teaching us about not indulging in our sexual desires would use the example of not indulging in cake. Us bochurim (rabbinical students) used to joke around with each other and talk about what the reprocussions are for eating and for not eating the cake. In my opinion, there is no similarity between cake and a sexual desire. Chocolate is good, but not that good.

Negelvasser: New Wikipedia Entry

"Negelvasser" has it's source in the Yiddish Language. It is the washing cup that is used to remove the impurities that have come upon the hands of a Jew through contact with forbidden objects or through the impurity that rests upon one's hands upon awaking from sleep (that is longer than 20 minutes), because sleep is akin to 1/60th of death according to Jewish Law.

The cup has to be able to carry a certain amount of water, and it should have two handles.

There are two ways to use the negelvasser, and that depends on your purpose.

The first way is the general and most common use of the cup, which is to remove impurities from the hands that have come upon them. This first way of washing is done after waking up from a state of sleep, after going to the bathroom, taking a shower, engaging in sexual relations, or any other appropriate use. The prevailing custom is to pour water over the right hand first, and then to pour water over the left. While halacha (Jewish Law) requires a minimum of two times for each hand, according to Kabbalah, and Chassidic (including Chabad) customs, one should wash each hand THREE times.

The second way to use the negelvasser is when you intend to have a meal, which means you wash your hands and then you say the "...al netilas yadayim" beracha (blessing) over your hands. You then proceed to take a piece of bread (or during the Sabbath, two full challas or two challah rolls), put them together, and say the "...hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz" beracha (blessing) over the meal you are about to eat, and then you dip the bread into salt three times (some have the custom to pour the salt over the bread, however the dipping is more proper according to Kaballah.) The way to wash here is to first pour water three (or two, minimum) over the right hand, and then to pour water over the left hand three (or two) times, and then say the beracha. Keep in mind, when saying this kind of beracha and taking part in this kind of meal, you are obligated to also say the after-berachas for the meal, also called in Yiddish, "bentching".

Okay, it's 2:36am and I am totally exhausted, yet I have so much more work to do for tomorrow's exam. I don't want to fall asleep because then I won't be prepared for the exam and all I want is to get past tomorrow's exam with flying colors. This is the second night in a row that I have stayed up. I'm going to enjoy a nice nap tomorrow.

Who is a Jew?

[This blog entry was pasted from a comment I wrote to TikkunGer as a response to people challenging him on his Reform conversion into Judaism. The link to the actual articles are here and here. As a disclaimer, I want to point out that I am not an expert on conversions into Judaism, and so please do your own research and consult a proper rabbinic authority before relying on anything I have written here.]

MY ORIGINAL COMMENT:
TG,
The conflicts you’re facing are coming from the point of view that most Reform conversions aren’t done according to the requirements of Jewish law, and thus they (each considered on an individual basis) are not valid. On another note, choosing to be Jewish isn’t like choosing to be a vegetarian. The conversion process is probably the most important thing to do properly and strictly (even if you have to do it over again if your original conversion wasn’t kosher), and most Reform Jews don’t know the law or even think it has any validity and are not a reliable source for conversion. As a Jew (or as a neophyte), playing sides with Reform versus Conservative versus Orthodox when it comes to a conversion will only get you in trouble. It’s probably best to do it in a way that nobody will have an issue with your conversion, and then resume living as a Jew according to how you see fit.

[Hindsight, TikkunGer commented that lying that one would keep shabbos, kosher, etc., when he has no intention of doing so just so he can get an orthodox conversion would be a conversion in bad faith, and it would probably be void anyway. I agree with him. However, when I said "in a way that nobody will have an issue with your conversion," I was referring to the actual ACT of conversion should be done in the strictest way possible. It is totally possible that the conversion requires as one of the acts a promise to keep the Torah and its commandments -- keep in mind, I have never converted, so I don't know exactly what is done -- and if that were the case, converting with the intent of not keeping the commandments would be committing a fraud which would probably void the conversion. My point, however, is that the conversion needs to satisfy the elements of what is needed for a conversion to be kosher l'chatchila / bidieved. If a necessary element is missing from this equasion, then the conversion is not valid, no matter which sect performs the conversion.]

MY RESPONSE TO HIS REPLY:
TG,
I should say that I am honored that this blog title was kind of in my honor. I read your description of your conversion process, and there are basic physical activities that must be done for the conversion to take place. That being said, it is highly possible that you have completed those physical actions.

I do know that as you said, the orthodox community requires you in addition to take upon the commandments of a Jew, such as kashrut, shabbos, and family purity. I'm guessing it mirrors the acceptance of the Torah and the commandments as is what happened on Mount Sinai a few thousand years ago. However, if it ever became important for you to know whether your conversion was proper (I'll explain why in a sec), I would call the local rabbi and I would describe the details of your conversion. It is possible that you might have already done what was necessary.

Anyway, I knew that my comment in the last post would probably spawn some controversy, but I think that a friendly challenge or poke from time to time is healthy so that you can truly know where you are standing and why, as I believe you do.

There is the concept of being culturally Jewish, and then there is the concept of being matriarically Jewish (yes, through a Jewish mother), of which this second status can be achieved by a conversion into the faith. If during your life you realized that your identity is that of a Jew, I would posit that G-d has, in His infinite wisdom and for a purpose, put the holy spark of a Jew inside of you, BUT He caused you to be born into a non-Jewish body, probably for a reason. It is possible that there was an extra purification that needed to be done specifically through YOUR conversion to Judaism, and that act alone could be the reason you were put on this Earth; after all, as you said, too many people are born Jewish, but they don't have the slightest idea of what that means. I think you pursuing a conversion to make your body match your soul was the proper direction to take.

As for my comment to Ami, yes, the PREREQUISITE for being a Jew and for your children to be Jewish is that your wife be born Jewish of a Jewish mother, or that she be Jewish through a kosher conversion (meaning that the physical activities that constitute a conversion were completed). If the conversion isn't done properly, then you cause a whole bunch of problems for yourself and your soul. For example, if I remember correctly, a non-Jew is forbidden to keep Shabbos.

You are right in your observation that there is a problem in Judaism today in that we are in exile, and there is no central authority to determine what is proper and what is not proper. Of course, there is the Code of Jewish Law (the Shulchan Auruch), but the problem is that branches of Judaism have disavowed their allegience to the law and they are serving G-d in whatever way "they" want to serve Him. These people serving G-d however they feel most comfortable -- them being by their nature physical and limited in both intellect and understanding -- they are not serving G-d the way He has told us he wants us to serve him. Even the non-Jews agree that G-d gave the Jews instructions on how to serve him, and G-d gave the Torah to the Jews. This deviation from precedent is wherein lies the problem.

If, for example, your wife told you that she needed to HEAR that you loved her in order for her to feel loved, and you instead bought her gifts, but you never told her you loved her, or, if you gave her hugs but you never told her you loved her, you must ask yourself 1) do I love my wife? The answer is probably ABSOLUTELY YES. However, if you ask yourself 2) am I communicating my love for my wife in a way that she will receive that love? [by TELLING her you love her], the answer will be NO. Loving your wife YOUR WAY and not HER WAY is not going to make her feel loved. Wouldn't you want to communicate your love to your wife in a way that she will feel that love? If not, and you are loving her for your benefit and not hers, then your love is not for her, but for yourself.

This is the same when it comes to the different sects in Judaism. There are certain commandments that G-d told us he wants us Jews to do and to abstain from, as is codified in the Torah, the Oral Torah, and the Shulchan Aruch. Us disregarding that and serving him however we feel fit, but not doing the commandments he asked of us is not serving Him; it is serving ourselves.

It is a problem today that there are sects that have taken it upon themselves to omit and/or change certain parts of the Torah. Certain sects have even (G-d forbid) taken G-d's name out of the Torah and out of the prayer books. Other sects have come to the conclusion that the Torah is only a man-made story and there was no Mount Sinai nor was there a Noah, a flood, or a Moses. These people call themselves Jews (and many of them may be Jewish based on their heritage as long as they haven't intermarried to a non-Jewish wife and had non-Jewish kids) and yet they go around calling themselves Jews but metaphorically spitting in G-d's face by 1) not accepting his Torah and by 2) not doing his commandments. Yet they still have Friday night meals and they still cook bagels and lox, have matzah balls in their soup, and say "oy vey". This doesn't make them Jewish. Being Jewish or not is very specific. And this being said, it is possible that you MAY VERY WELL BE JEWISH without any question or doubt.

Do you see the difference between being a Jew and acting and feeling Jewish? Even Hitler (may G-d erase his name from history) killed practicing Christians and members of many faiths based on the sole fact that someone up the matriarichal line was Jewish, therefore they were Jewish whether they practiced the faith or not.

That is why I said that regardless of with whom you did (or do) the conversion, as long as the elements of a conversion have been satisfied and the right things have been done, your conversion is kosher and you are a Jew.

Pascal's Religious Logic

Pascal's Logic Applied to Religion: If you choose to believe in G-d and practice your religion 100% and you are WRONG and there is no afterlife, when you die, life and consciousness will just cease and you'll never know you were wrong.

If you choose to believe in G-d and practice a religion and you are RIGHT, then you get all the spiritual benefits, you get to practice your religion and go to heaven, and you can ask (pray) for G-d's help while you're alive. The downside is then you have a duty to follow G-d's commandments.

I'd rather make the mistake of being religious. Worst case, I'm on line to get into heaven, and I and the others on line with me peep ahead to see my Creator at the pearly gates, and I someone says, "oh, sh**! It's Buddah!" :)

In all seriousness, I haven't slept tonight because I'm pulling an all-nighter for one of my law school exams. The logic above while it works for me has been rejected by Rabbis because b'kitzur (in short,) there is a problem with the mindset because the focus is on yourself and the benefits YOU get from choosing right or wrong (which is selfish) without focusing on the real purpose of being religious, namely to serve G-d in love and fear and to build a dwelling place for him in our physical world, the lowest of all worlds. [Just a bit of chassidus to cheer up your day.] ;)

On second thought, I think that now is not the time to be falling in love. Now is the time to fill my head with Torah and to prepare for married life and to keep my priorities straight.

I also have a serious undertaking to accomplish. I need to graduate law school by passing the two remaining final exams and I need to study hard to pass the bar exam or else I won't get a job and I will not be able to support her and I will be an unemployed loser and I would never respect myself if I wasn't able to hold my own financially.

All this said, I am in love.

Limiting Conversations with Callah

This is going to be a harsh topic full of controversy.

In the wedding book I am reading, "Eternal Joy, Volume 2", there is a strong suggestion that Chossons and Callahs should limit their conversations to once per week and limit seeing each other to once per week. I believe it goes with the Lubavicher Rebbe's saying that "if you are close when you should be far, you'll be far when you should be close." This [obviously speaking of physical touching before marriage will cause doubts and distance after the marriage,] can have another implication.

On the one hand, I want to be growing with her and falling deeper in love with her. On the other hand, TZNIUS! I am feeling a tension because we are speaking on the phone so regularly (multiple times a day, sometimes for hours each day) that I am starting to feel like the physical and emotional feelings I am having are stressing me out because I can't express them with her. There's obviously a tension between us in that we want to get closer on many levels, but the situation of being platonic until marriage is keeping us at a certain level which I think we cannot move past. This is my big problem with telling her I love her. I think this will make the situation even worse.

I miss her when I don't hear from her, and she misses me when she doesn't hear from me. Yet I feel this yearning is not healthy at this stage of our development because we are NOT married and we cannot express these yearnings and so they go repressed and I don't think this is healthy. I feel like we are starting to develop the kinds of feelings that people who are married would have towards one another, but we're also feeling the obvious lacking because we are physically far apart both when we see each other in person and when we speak on the phone.

I must also mention the selfish observation that I do love speaking to her, however, when I spend so much time with her on the phone, I run out of things to talk about. What is there to discuss when I have already told her everything that is going on in my life in our last conversation just a few hours or minutes beforehand? Plus, when I speak to her for as frequently as we have been speaking, I am not connecting with her fully because it takes more energy than I have to establish that special connection so many times during the day -- I feel like our conversations get ordinary when I speak to her so frequently. [Not to mention the time constraints of such conversations, and the fact that it IS starting to significantly interfere with my studies.]

With all this said, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want her to think that I am placing my "work" [my bar studies] above my relationship with her, which should come first. However, one thing is beginning to interfere with the other.

For this reason, I am wondering how to speak to her with the goal in mind of limiting our conversations in either time or quantity. My relationship with her is very special to me. The last thing I want it to turn into during these precious few months before we are married is a casual relationship. However, with so many conversations, it is difficult to maintain the passion. Help.

PS - I haven't resolved yet when and whether to tell her that I love her. Yichud room? At/before the chuppah? Now? I don't feel it is appropriate to start with the "I love you" conversations when we barely are seeing each other before our marriage.

This is not a marriage based on love; it is a marriage that is based on G-d and Torah. We agreed to marry before we had feelings for one another. This engagement is the product of a shidduch which is based on compatibility, not love. Love is supposed to come later. I am starting to think that I've answered my question, and I am starting to think that I am no longer acting tznius with her with the frequency of our conversations. I think I need to find a way to back out of the corner and start to limit them because I think I might have put us on a path where the results of my moving too fast too soon are starting to surface. Emphatically, I do want to form a deep, loving, and permanent relationship with her with strong foundations. However, I think I accidentally pushed us into a territory which can only cause us damage in the long run. I think I feel strongly about this, and I will see what I can do to remedy this. All this "tell her you love her" talk is messing with my head.

When should I say "I love you" to my Callah?

Dear Michal,
Your advice seems to be the exact kind of advice I would typically give to another, and it kind of made me nervous that I got that same advice from you. So as a response, I re-read what I wrote in the last blog entry to make sure I wasn't giving the wrong impression or information.
The topic of the blog entry was me noticing that along with my feelings of love for her, there are also feelings of sexuality arising between us as a result. We have spoken about this and she is feeling the same thing.

The second topic, not to be confused with the first, is that I wondered whether my thoughts have an affect on her -- first I took the analogy that thoughts can affect her soul or can affect her on a spiritual level, and then I took it further with the bus analogy wondering whether there is a physical element based on one's thoughts, meaning that I was wondering whether me thinking sexual thoughts about us halachically is actually BREAKING shomer negiah on some level. It's a stretch, and OBVIOUSLY THE HALACHA IS that one CANNOT break shomer negiah with thoughts alone, BUT, I was wondering about it from a hypothetical and philosophical point of view.

Where you made a mish-mash of everything I wrote is that you 1) came to the conclusion that I was having sex with her in my mind, and therefore 2) I was feeling it with my body and 3) therefore I was using her 4) without giving love in return because I haven't told her that I loved her. Then you moved one step further and told me that 5) if I don't tell her that I love her, because of the intensities of the first night, if she is not comfortable with me fully, then the first night might be a physically painful experience, which can have major marital consequences and can leave many emotional scars.

So let's sort things out.

I am starting to get the feeling from your comments, as well as the comments from my parents and friends that I should tell her I love her if I feel that I love her, which I do. Note: that when I originally tried to tell her that I loved her, she said, "how can you possibly have real feelings for me?? You've only known me for 8 weeks, meaning that you've only seen me around 10-12 times..."

So I waited for the right time to tell her, and since waiting, I have been wondering whether it is better to tell her now or after (or closer to) the marriage. I am getting the feeling that many of you feel that since I am feeling it, maybe I should just say it rather than holding my feelings back from her. Although I'm not sure whether it is smart to do it now or another time because I don't want to "blow my wad" professing my love for her at a time where I am absent from her presence for extended periods of time because I am literally in another city studying for my bar exam. This -- when to profess my love -- is issue #1.

I also want to note that TELLING SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM RAISES THE EMOTIONAL LEVEL AND INTENSITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND I AM NOT SURE THIS IS HEALTHY WHILE WE ARE ONLY ENGAGED AFTER SHIDDUCH DATING, AND WE ARE NOT SEEING EACH OTHER REGULARLY AND WE ARE TOTALLY PLATONIC. I KNOW THAT SHE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER, BUT WE HAVEN'T VOCALIZED IT. AS PLATONIC LOVERS WHO SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A WEEK AND WHO SPEAK ON THE PHONE MULTIPLE TIMES EACH DAY, WE ARE ALREADY HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH THE LEVELS OF THE EMOTIONS THAT HAVE DEVELOPED BETWEEN US. IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT WE HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO BE PHYSICAL UNTIL THE MARRIAGE, I FEAR THAT TELLING HER THAT I LOVE HER WILL ONLY PREMATURELY INTENSIFY THE FEELINGS IN AN INAPPROPRIATE TIME WHEN IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER, AND IT WILL ONLY MAKE THE TENSIONS THAT WE CANNOT BE TOGETHER [AND I AM REFERRING MERELY TO AN EMBRACE OR SPENDING THE NIGHT TOGETHER AND WATCHING THE SUNRISE] THAT MUCH WORSE.

Issue #2 is whether the sexual thoughts that have been popping into my head are healthy or unhealthy, and whether I should divert my attention from them.

Issue #3 is the inquiry into whether one's thoughts have physical effects, and if so, what are the reprocussions of these thoughts. Issue #3 was the title of the last blog entry.

Do my thoughts affect her soul?

It's Monday morning, and I have my exams in a few days. I am over my head in studies, but the interesting thing is that I believe that everything will work out.

I've been focusing heavily on doing everything that a Jew should do -- davening (praying), putting on Tefillin, etc., because I believe that now that I am getting married, I need to fix whatever weaknesses I have before I stand under the chuppah with her and declare our everlasting unity.

The interesting thing is that while I am so time-pressed, I find that we spend a lot of time just being in love. My family is actually upset that I haven't yet told her that I love her, but I don't think the time is right and I don't feel it is appropriate to have "I love you" conversations before the chuppah (wedding). Nevertheless, I am convinced by the countless hours we spend just looking into eachother's eyes (it's corny, but when we're doing it, it doesn't feel corny), I am sure she is feeling my feelings for her.

The interesting thing is that as you have probably guessed, we are totally platonic until we get married, which means that my body and her body don't touch at all. This means that as many times as I've wanted to kiss her or hold her hands, I've controlled myself because we are waiting for marriage to start being physically intimate. However, I can't deny that recently, my thoughts have gotten a bit more sexual, and I find that while I am looking into her eyes, in my mind I am imagining things and I am wondering whether I am wrong for thinking these things.

But further, I wonder whether there is a difference between thinking about things, and imagining that I am doing these things "to her" / "with her" while she is sitting right next to me. Part of me says logically, as long as I don't touch her or do something here on the physical world, my thoughts don't have much of an affect [I used the word "affect" and not "effect" because I thought it was more appropriate.].

YET, I must confess that I do feel many of my thoughts as if they ARE real, meaning that when I imagine that I reach out with my arm and I touch her shoulder, in my mind ON MY HANDS -- not the hands that are sitting on my lap, but the HANDS IN MY MIND, I can actually feel what her shoulder feels like as if I was really touching her.

My psychologist has told me that me confusing my thoughts for being real is a psychosis, and it is a problem because my thoughts are thoughts and reality is real. Yet I disagree because as many of you HAVE seen on the videos I put up on the site a few months ago, you know [with a video recorder in my hand], I imagined clouds in the sky disappearing and they disappeared EXACTLY as I intended them to. In fact, in the videos, with my finger, I "circled" which clouds would disappear next, and then THAT CLOUD ONLY proceeded to vanish in front of my eyes [and your eyes too because you saw the videos.]

For reasons like this and for reasons like what happens with a phantom limb, I am convinced that a person has both a physical body, and what new age mysticism calls an "etheric body." While I don't understand exactly how things work, you know that I've been experimenting with these concepts for a few years now and I've come up with some interesting observations. One observation is that my thoughts are real on some level, and I don't think it is a psychosis to think of them as such. Please don't judge me for this example -- I read it in a book once and have tried many variations of it with interesting results: As a joke, I once was sitting on a bus, and I wanted to get the person (guy or girl) a few seats in front of me to turn around abruptly. So I imagined [note that I didn't move a muscle -- this was all in my thoughts] -- I imagined that I came up behind them and I licked their earlobe. You would be surprised how many people on this exercise alone have jumped and turned around abruptly to find that nobody was behind them. Hehe. I've also in my mind said "turn around" and many -- not all -- have responded by turning around and smiling. From all this, I am convinced that thoughts are not just thoughts and therefore, I understand why Jewish law says "control your thoughts" because while on one level, indulging in your sexual thoughts might lead to either masteurbation or actual forbidden sexual activity with the other out of wedlock [great word], however, I am convinced that there is something deeper and more tangible to our physical world with regard to thoughts being real things.

I read a while ago in a Kabbalistic text that a Jew should be careful with whom he fantasizes about, because through his activities he not only spills his seed and makes his own soul impure, but rather, he also makes the person's soul with whom he was fantasizing about impure as well. In my eyes, this is why I believe Rava the great sage [and I'm sure you more educated Jews will correct me on this, and non-Jews, bear with me for this story because the way I am saying it makes this guy look like a pervert when what he was doing was a holy thing] would stand by the woman's bath house, so that when the women would come out, they would see his face and his long beard, and then when the woman and her husband were cohabiting, she would think of Rava's face and she would as a result have holy children. I MUST SAY HERE FROM THE SHOCK AND HORROR ON YOUR FACES THAT I TOTALLY KNOW I MESSED UP THIS STORY AND NOT ONLY DID I PROBABLY TELL IT WRONG WITH THE WRONG CHARACTER, BUT I MIGHT HAVE TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT. However, my point is that in line with what I read a while ago, I am of the suspicion that when one thinks sexual thoughts about another, such as I have been doing recently, my thoughts not only affect my soul, but they affect her soul as well. Therefore, I am thinking that I need to be more careful with the content of the lascivious thoughts that have recently crept into my mind.

With all that said, I am enjoying our engagement and I cannot wait to get married. I feel that all the blogging I did over the past 398 blog entries have really helped me sort out a whole bunch of things that were on my mind.

Lastly, I hope you don't mind me not giving details about my callah (the woman I am engaged to) or stories about us, how we got together, or the things we are going through because I am convinced that she is one of you, however she hasn't made the connection yet that Zoe is me and vice versa, and when she talks about people she reads about on the internet, especially "that Zoe character from Colorado," she doesn't realize that Colorado is a small piece of misinformation intended as a distractor, and that "Zoe" is really sitting right across from her, drowning in her eyes and falling more and more in love every moment we spend together. For that reason, I have been finding it difficult to blog because I don't quite feel that the blog is that private or anonymous anymore. So until I sort this one out in my head, allow me to apologize for my lack of writing. I don't exactly know how to handle this one.

I'm engaged. Finals are coming up in a few days. Patent law exam coming up in the near future after the bar exam. Lots going on. I'll post very soon -- maybe if I can, I'll post tonight. -Zoe