Not fired, and ANGRY AT G-D FOR IT.

It has been a few days since my last blog entry where I was sure I was being set up to be fired, and to my consternation and disappointment, I wasn't fired. I received a few e-mails from readers about the difference between being fired for cause versus being laid off, and one thing that I kept in my head was that I wasn't doing anything wrong -- despite the fact that I would love nothing more than to be laid off so that I can be free of this negative environment, I still had a halachic duty to perform my work diligently and not to intentionally get fired. I kept a clear paper trail of the work that I did, the results that I produced, and despite the fact that I submitted everything on time and ready to be filed, we still missed the 4-month patent application deadline.

I was quite annoyed at this concept of being fired for cause, but the law in the state that I'm working is that regardless of whether your boss chews you out when you do something wrong, if he lets you go back to work afterward and doesn't fire you on the spot, and if he later changes his mind and fires you for your screw-up anyway, that is not considered being fired for cause because he let you go back to work. In my mind its similar to the adultry divorce cause of action -- you can't use it if you reunited with your spouse after the adultry and then change your mind and get a divorce anyway. You'll lose in court.

Anyway, all that is side news. Aside from the shock and terror of being fired because I felt that I was being set up, I am even more upset now that I haven't been fired at all. Look, I prayed many times for G-d to direct me in the correct path, and if I wasn't supposed to be fired, then I would accept that. I was just hoping that wouldn't be his plan. I have plans. I really want to leave and to move on. I am very -- VERY -- unhappy at my current job. I have no friends there. I have insufficient skills to do the work they're having me do. I can't concentrate because I am so stressed out most of the day. I am tormented by my boss who waits until I have my jacket on to leave for the day before he pulls me into his office for an hour long meeting grilling me about something or other, all the while knowing that I was leaving for the day. Even on Fridays when he knows I need to leave early for Shabbos. Since I've been working for him, there hasn't been ONE Friday these past few months where he hasn't delayed me in some form or another by calling me in for a discussion or asking me to do some task AFTER it became time for me to leave for the weekend. Most of the time so far I've been able to deal with it, in that I usually leave an hour earlier than I need to, just to account for unknowns such as traffic and delays. Cutting back to the point, it's a very negative environment and I wish my tenure there would end so that I can move on with my life.

I made the decision with my wife when I went to visit my wife's family that either way -- whether I'm fired or not -- I'm going to leave my job and we're going to move to where my wife's family is so that we can be nearer to them and so my wife and I can go back to school -- me for an electrical engineering degree, and my wife -- well, she wants to keep that private, because it doesn't jive with her other degree.

That being said, I also decided that I do not necessarily want or need to work for a law firm upon graduation. Rather, I decided that as soon as I can, I will be opening up my own patent law practice. I purchased the "How to Start & Build a Law Practice" by Jay G. Foonberg book, and I've been reading it and I believe that I fit the personality of one who would start his own law practice. Thus, in response to Anonymous' comment, you're right. Law firms suck. They're conformists and they don't give people like me even a chance, EVEN THOUGH I will have the electrical engineering degree. You know what I say? Screw them. I will get the degree anyway and I will generate my own business. I have hundreds of contacts with technology companies from working with them over the past years, and am friends with MANY patent attorney lawyers. I have no doubt that I can generate enough business to keep me busy for the rest of my life. However, I do feel that if I am to stay in patent law (which I must because the state in which I will be practicing patent law and starting a patent practice is NOT a state I am admitted to -- I have checked into this a billion times -- there is no issue with this because the law being practiced is federal law, not state law, and I am licensed by the US Patent & Trademark Office to practice patent law) I do need a specialty, because my liberal arts undergraduate degree just won't cut it in the patent world, even working as a generalist patent attorney on my own. I do believe an EE degree WILL help me get business, and to get a job working in-house for a technology firm later on if I choose to.

Now here's the G-d part. I am under SO MUCH PRESSURE knowing that if I don't get laid off by the end of the summer, I will be forced to quit and forego unemployment insurance and I'll have to find a way to raise money fast to pay for my wife and my schooling and our living expenses all the while I am back in school. This has been putting an undue amount of pressure on me, and I am having a difficult time dealing with it. I am finding myself angry at G-d for not having my boss fire me when he had the chance and when I had no work to do, and I don't understand (not like I need to) why he is not making things easy for me, and if he has other plans for me like he usually does contrary to what I think his plan is for me, I wish he'd make his plans known so I don't have to have a heart attack or a stroke from the stress of not knowing what is in store and hating... HATING where I am in life. I was crying today and I asked G-d, "what have I done that is so bad or so wrong that you punish me each day having me stay in an environment where I'm tormented and kicked around like a punching bag? Why do I deserve this?" and I find myself getting more and more distant from G-d in SPITE and ANGER at him making my life so difficult. I have paid my dues. I have always worked hard. Why is it that life is so darn difficult? Why is it that people who did not go to college and did not get educated take home more money every week with their $25,000 annual income than I do with my six-figure school loans and mounting interest that I can't get out from underneath? Why am I forced to be a slave in this lawyer job world system? Why can't I just say sionara to all my debt, declare bankruptcy, tell everyone to take a flying hike and just disappear out of the system?? Why?

Thoughts prior to tomorrow...

I wanted to share a few of my thoughts prior to entering the workplace tomorrow morning. I have spent much time thinking about this and when this whole fiasco started about being framed to be fired regardless of what the outcome of my work, I decided that if becoming fired were to become imminent, I wouldn't lower myself to the level of the one doing the mischief. There are things going on in this world that I cannot see or understand, and this certainly appears to be one of them.

This is a world of chaos; a world of unknown forces, and a world of backward plans that always seem to go awry just when I expect them to go a certain way. I've always joked that G-d has a sense of humor, but honestly, I don't know him. All I know now is that I am scared and I am intimidated that it appears as if fate has taken hold of the pages in the book of my life and have started doing the writing. How lucky I feel to have this happen. I am blessed. I have always believed that if you do not move in the direction of G-d's plan, then G-d will kick your butt or gently "help" you to move in his direction. That is the privilege I have, and to my knowledge, that is exactly what is happening right now.

I have an enemy. I have a nemesis. I have someone who has turned his fierce attention towards me in judgment, but he has no eyes and no power to judge and he is powerless in comparison to the judgment he will need to go through to reconcile his actions against me, a devout Jew who is nullified to his creator. I am a leaf that is carried by the wind; he swims against a current of angry war angels who only waiting to unleash their fury onto him. This is war, and he is the only one carrying a sword.

And yet I feel sorry for him. He's thinking with his head, rationalizing, and making business decisions all the while convincing himself that he has no emotion in his decision, yet he has the blood running through his veins which have a thirst for my demise. Apparently harmless, apparently friendly, apparently void of understanding that he is the messenger of G-d who is delivering to me my freedom from him and yet while he deals to me a kiss of kindness from above, he will be punished for his acts of violence against a Jew and I look away and shake my head in disappointment for the business relationship and trust I tried to build between us. Sour milk runs dry.

Now let me refocus on my feelings. I have no doubt that G-d will have some fun just to show me that I am not privy to his plan, and for some cosmic reason, I will not be fired tomorrow despite my hopes that I will be fired. I fully expect that things will smooth themselves out and I will continue working for another month or so before I run out of work or before it becomes time to leave on my own accord without dispersions or exiles from apparent wrongdoings. I am so sad about this likely fate that I want to cry at the added difficulty *not* being fired will visit upon me and that I would rather just take the red pill and slip into a deep sleep and wake up in the next chapter of my life. I no longer have the strength to ponder and to fight. I just want to know what I should do and what path I should take.

So there you have it. Tomorrow is the faithful day and I am faithless in my version of how I understand things will unfold and yet I am faithful in the fact that there is a fate and there is a time and a place for everything. G-d, show me your plan. I stand ready at the gates.

-Zoe Strickman

Boss ultimatum letter -- get me the finished application by Monday, "or else."

I have a follow-up to my last post. I came home on Friday after working hard all day on the patent application (I completed it, with the exception of having the paralegals write up a few of the figures), and I realized after I left that I didn't write my boss a status update letter like I usually do -- this was never a requirement, but I have been doing so as a way to cover my butt (Ahuva) and to keep a track record of the work I did as he's been trying to remove me from my position from the day I first took off early on a Friday for Shabbos.

My boss and I haven't spoken in days which appears to be the kind of silent treatment he has a history of giving his employees before they get called in for the "you're fired" meeting. No sweat, I thought. I had nothing to lose because I understood that this would have happened regardless of whether I did good work (which I believe I did *if* he ever read it) or poor work. I told my wife that I do believe I was sabotaged here, first with my boss killing off every project I was involved in, and then cornering me about this application and wasting my time making changes to the instructions without even reading my work.

So doing the responsible thing, having completed the specification for the patent and the figures (with a few exceptions which I described above), I decided to log into my work e-mail remotely and write my boss a status letter so that he can take a look at my work just in case he wanted to. As I was writing him my e-mail, he wrote me a short ultimatum letter, something like "I expect to have a completed application on my desk first thing Monday morning, or else." After reading that, I saw where his thinking was headed, and so I decided to add a paragraph saying the unsaid things. In short, I am no longer afraid or intimidated by him. He cannot hurt me or intimidate me any more. I have pasted the letter I wrote back to him below.

Dear [Boss],

Since our discussion, I made some good progress re-writing the specification from the point of view you suggested. With a few exceptions which I will list below, the figures appear to be in order, and the specification has advanced almost to the point where we will be able to review the application on Monday together and present it to the client for his suggestions. The next due date would have been 3/15/09, but even with that falling out on a Monday, I am of the understanding that even though we wanted to be prepared to submit the application by then, you did not send the set of claims I sent you last week on to the client for approval and thus even without the required back-and-forth discussions that you said would have had to take place with regard to the specification, we would still not make this deadline.

The last thing that needs to happen before I give the application to you for review is that contrary to me trying to consolidate the figures from the initial specification, I came to the conclusion this morning that all of the figures relating to the XYZ system should be included for the disclosure to be complete, and that it would have been way too time consuming and complex to try to move forward without them unless you wanted to remove the entire XYZ system from the invention which in my opinion would go against what the client is looking for. Thus, when Bonnie returns Monday from her daughter's wedding, I will have her create the figures from one of the templates we have, unless you are able to retrieve them from the client because the copies we have are inadequate for use.

Lastly, I was thinking about what you said about me "spinning my wheels" with regard to the specification. I am hesitant to say this, but I do feel as if my wheels were spun because I feel as if I had different instructions at each point of writing and re-writing the specification. Had we sat down initially and discussed the figures rather than having me draw them up without review and then write the specification around them only to find out that the figures were not correct causing me to have to review and rewrite much of the application, and had we gone step-by-step and you reviewed my work as I went along as this was the first specification I have written for you, I believe many of the billed hours could have been spared.

All this being said, I do believe you will get a complete draft by Monday morning, but there is almost no chance you'll get the figures that Bonnie will have to write up when she returns.

Have a good weekend,
Zoe Strickman

I must add that I found it interesting (and a bit amusing) that my boss wrote me the ultimatum e-mail long after I left on Friday knowing (hoping?) that I wouldn't have received it until I got into the office Monday morning; that way, he could argue that had I been at work until 5pm like every other employee should be, I would have received that e-mail and if I were a dedicated employee, I would have worked through the weekend (even abandoning the Sabbath if necessary) to get the application on his desk by the time he asked for it. Obviously that is not going to happen, as my part of the application is complete and I am not the paralegal who draws the figures.

Let's see what comes of this now...

Zoe to be fired from his job?? The perfect storm of events at the law office.

Okay, it's been a few weeks since I last wrote because I had a job emergency come up that needed to be taken care of. In short, my boss has been holding work back from me these past few months causing a whole bunch of problems, and he has been threatening to fire me because there apparently is not enough work in the company to keep me employed.

This would be a big problem if it were true. I believe that I don't have enough work to do -- I've been complaining about that for some time to my higher-ups in the law firm. One time I wrote a letter to the partners asking for work and my boss (the partner to whom I am assigned to work under) stormed into my office screaming at me that I will get myself in trouble by rocking the boat. It was only later that I found out that there was plenty of work in the company, but my boss was keeping much of it and not assigning it to me despite my outstanding record of producing good work and way before the deadlines. When starving me of projects to work on didn't work (because I started to look for work with the other partners), he decided to work on another approach. He thought, "let's overload Zoe with deadlines he can't possibly meet."

Then I would go from famine to feast where I would be given a project that should take around 20-30 hours and a week or so to complete, and I was given the project to do TWO DAYS before the deadline, causing me to be at work until all hours of the night for nights in a row leaving my wife stranded taking care of the babies more-than full-time. I saw this as a test, and the three-or-four times this happened, I did what I was supposed to and I completed the project producing efficient, high quality work.

This last part however is what caused the emergency. This time around, my boss decided to give me a very complex and poorly written patent application to fix up, and I spend a number of hours and I fixed it up. Then he told me that I was supposed to draft the specification from scratch, so I got to work, and every day I e-mailed him where I was, a copy of my work, and questions I had on the path I was taking. He never read my work, never answered my e-mails, and never gave me any direction. Instead, after spending hours at a time going fully down one path, without looking at my work, he would tell me that he wanted me to write the specification in a different way, causing me to spend hours redoing everything I just did the previous time. Then when I completed my work, he would tell me to do it a different way, and I would redo my work all over again without him looking at the previous version. This has been going on daily for the past two months now. I did raise objections to him not reading my work or giving me feedback, but he insisted that he'll only look at the completed application, however, each set of directions he gave contradicted the previous set of directions, yet, I was able to do what he said, exactly as he told me to do it so I didn't think it was so bad. However, I did notice the HUGE amount of hours that were mounting up on this project, and I knew how many hours the client expected it to take and so I saw a catastrophe about to happen.

In short, prior to leaving work on Friday, he came into my office demanding a completed version of the claims and the specification. When I told him what I already e-mailed him, he started on the "no, I didn't want X. I wanted it Y." Funny enough, the way he wanted it was EXACTLY the way I gave it to him the previous version. Had he read the work I was giving him, he would have not made that mistake. Anyway, he demanded to see a copy of the specification as I had it (as if I wasn't sending him updates every day), and I confronted him about not getting feedback from him and so he agreed to meet me on Monday to review my work.

On Monday, we met and he was frustrated and he did not understand the flow of the patent application, and he wanted it a certain way which was in direct conflict with the way I had all 60 pages of the specification written. He also demanded that I give him an accounting of the hours I billed on the project because he couldn't figure out where I was spinning my wheels (pretending to be oblivious to or forgetting the fact that I was spinning my wheels following the different versions of his instructions). I was sure I was going to be fired, but by that time, I was no longer worried about getting fired because I figured out his game and getting fired appeared to be a certainty; I just couldn't figure out when it would happen. It appears to me as if he was either completely mismanaging the project, or he was intentionally causing me to redo my work and spinning my wheels to make me appear to be incompetent. I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but he has done things in the past to make me understand that he is always looking for a new way to cause me to be next in line in the unemployment office.

Anyway, my plan is that if I get fired, I will move my family to the state where our in-laws are, because my wife would really appreciate the help and the company. I would also return to school full-time to finish the electrical engineering degree I have been working on part time since I graduated law school and got this job. My wife also wants to go back to school, and so together we would be students again. To support this change, we would either take out loans (an option I am uncomfortable with) or one or both of us can get a part-time job to pay for our expenses while going back to school. Then, by the time we graduate, my wife will be able to go to work in her new field (she disliked her former occupation), and by then, the economy will hopefully have recovered.

While my wife is encouraging me to quit my job and go back to school regardless of whether I get fired, my opinion is that it would be nice to be fired so that I can receive an unemployment paycheck while we move to the new location and set up shop to go to school. Anyway, this is my plan, but I feel a moral responsibility NOT to do a chilul hashem and so I am working my hardest to finish this project and work diligently on every other project that comes my way until it is time for me to move on.

That being said, I couldn't help to think that it was a perfect storm of events where I had my first review with my boss this Monday, on the day I was fasting and leaving early, and the day before I was taking paid time off for Purim (I arranged this months in advance), and the 4-month date for the patent application is due this Sunday (which means in the patent world that it could be submitted on Monday), however I noticed the most interesting thing.

My boss has not shared the final and complete claim set to the client in over two weeks and the client is asking for it. Additionally, there is almost a certainty that we will miss the 4-month date for submitting the patent application because with all the wasted time, the half-day on Monday (the fast of Esther), and the day off on Tuesday, there is absolutely NO WAY it can be finished by the due date. Thus, I am almost certain that I will be fired.

To add evidence to my case, I had an office action due this past Monday. I had the completed office action prepared, completed, AND REVIEWED by him the week beforehand, yet he intentionally missed the deadline for filing my response to the office action (a slight note here, he demands that all filings with the USPTO be in his name regardless of whether he wrote the response or not). I was confounded when I found out he did this, but then it occurred to me that with the apparent mess-up with the huge amount of billing on the current application coupled with missing this Monday's deadline (even if I completed it in time which I technically could, my boss told me that he wouldn't submit it because he would need for it to go back and forth a number of times between him and the client which would take at least two weeks time), my boss is creating "evidence" to have me terminated.

If I were my boss, this is how I would play it (and I have a feeling this is exactly what he is doing). I would wait until I completed the application, and then I would fire me for "efficiency reasons" or "insubordination" in that I missed the deadline for the office action (which we both know is not true and I have documentation to prove it), and since I missed the filing date for the application I was working on. I (my boss) would still bill the client for the work I (Zoe) did, but I would give a discount and say that I fired Zoe because he was taking too long on his projects and missing deadlines. I (my boss) would then pretend to work hard on the clients application and I would present the complete claim set that I (Zoe) did, but I (the boss) would pretend that I did the work myself. Additionally, a few days later I would also present the 60-page specification that I (Zoe) worked on pretending that I (my boss) did it myself, and I would be the hero and Zoe would be canned, waiting on line for an employment check.

I have a feeling this is the way it will go down. However, as I said before, I *am* in school, and my wife could use the extra help which me being home with an unemployment check would provide. I would also use the unemployment to look for work, but at the same time, I would (and have) moved forward in starting plans for my transition into my in-laws' home town so that my wife can be nearer to them and so my children can have grandparents. This is the plan if I get fired, and if I don't get fired, I will still likely pursue this plan in the summer.

So this is what is going on. Long story told as it is without embellishments. I stayed quite late last night working on the application, and I will still diligently continue to work on it and I will have it ready to submit by either tomorrow or Monday even though I know it will not be submitted until next month. That being said, I am cool and calm with what is going on, and I have seen all the angles on how this can go down. All I hope for is that I can finish the project and do a good job, and hopefully I will be laid off because they don't have enough work for me rather than being fired over this one catastrophe which appears to be part of my boss' evil genius plan.

Unintended Consequences; Letter to my wife.

You could say the world is full of unintended outcomes... We elect former-President Bush, a republican, and we end up having eight years of a democratic government; we invade Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction, and that war becomes both his legacy and his downfall. I could go on, but really, I'm just looking for examples of unintended results to broach the point of this diary entry.

Mikey was correct in that I went through a few names prior to thinking up the brilliant gender-neutral name of "Zoe Strickman," a perfect conglomerate of the names of those of my past who have made me who I am today. You should know that the name "Zoe" is not pronounced "Zoey" (the woman's name), but it is just as it is spelled -- "Zoe," which in truth is short for Lorenzo, a man who I listened to almost daily for many years of my life and who I looked to for guidance in forming the person I wanted to be.

So Mikey was correct in mistakenly calling me by a previous blog name which was short for "Hershey Kisses" and "Hershey Park," formerly two of my favorite foods and places respectively prior to becoming religious to the point of keeping cholov yisroel and being introduced to Six Flags, my new favorite theme park spanning across the US of which I've visited many of their parks under one unlimited summer past during one fun-filled summer I will never forget.

All this talk of Mikey and my frustration of people trying to figure out who I am combined with the recent tensions I've been having at home between work difficulties, career direction difficulties, and school all balancing (and in my opinion secondary to) my home life I suppose has piqued EVEN MY WIFE'S INTEREST in the blog.

The problem is, even though I asked her to stay off the blog, she ignored my request and went on anyway.

I'm not sure this is a good thing, and this is certainly an UNINTENDED OUTCOME, the thanks to which I owe you, Mikey. Now because G-d made you think to call me Hershey rather than Zoe, I got annoyed and now my wife is one of you thus taking away my ability to be fully forthright in my diary entries for fear that I will get a lashback from the things I've written by those I love. This is why I shut down my first blog in its entirety; I had too many of my friends visiting and reading my personal blog and any time I wrote something about them (whether or not I named them), I'd get hate mail and hurt feelings from their misunderstandings of what I have written when the whole problem could have been averted by not reading my private stuff.

On the topic of my wife reading the blog, the problem is that I feel that any issues that need to be resolved between me and my wife should be resolved between me and my wife face-to-face, and not via a blog that she reads from time to time to take my temperature as to how I am feeling about things in the marriage or with the relationship. A blog should not be a crutch for human interactions, and I could easily see it being used that way.

*I AM NOT THE WEATHER OR THE YAHOO! NEWS, AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE INSULTING THAN CHECKING ON ME AS IF YOU'RE CHECKING THE WEATHER OR THE NEWS. I AM A HUMAN BEING TO BE TALKED TO AND TO BE ENJOYED AND CHERISHED, LEANED ON, AND ADMIRED. I AM SOMEONE TO GO TO FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I AM NOT A NEWS REPORT ON WHAT IS THE LATEST AND GREATEST ON YOUR OWN LIFE.*

Thus, IF you have disregarded my wishes that you not read the posts on this blog and you are reading this, then you too have violated my privacy and have invaded into an area into which you have not been invited. I feel hurt and very small that you have decided to disregard my wishes and read my inner thoughts when these inner thoughts are meant to be shared with you BY ME PERSONALLY where we discuss what is on our minds and we connect by sharing our thoughts and our feelings, not via a news feed.

If for some reason you have developed an interest in me and want to be more a part of my life than you have been, then yes, asking me to share with you PORTIONS of my blog posts is a great way to have me share many parts of myself with you. But some of the things I have written on this site are just simply too embarrassing or shameful to me because they expose a side of me that is out of control sometimes or lacking confidence or the kind of emotional strength I try to exude when I am around you, and I would feel violated if you knew those things about me which undermine what I try to show you as being who I am. The fact of the matter is that I don't share all my thoughts with you because we don't have that kind of relationship despite my attempts to develop that kind of trust with you. Another fact of the matter is that you don't know everything that is on my mind because half of the time you shut me up before I get a chance to even share what I wanted to share with you, hence much goes by the wayside.

But generally all you'll find on this blog are problems and issues. I don't have any motivation to write blog entries when my day has gone wonderful. I only write my diary entries when I have a need to reflect, hence this is not an accurate portrayal of the complete way I see things. My blog serves the same purpose of a diary -- to catch emotions and reactions -- and nothing more (except a blog has the perk of getting objective feedback in contrast to diaries which only gather dust on a shelf only to be burned years later when you're covering up things or values you ones thought or felt.)

Thus, unintended consequences. The point of discussing Mikey was never to have you come visit my blog. This was an unintended consequence; let's see what comes of it. Since our IM, you have shut down all communications to me and have not answered any of my correspondences to you, making me nervous that "here we go again" I have offended you, or that I have hurt you with my cold, sharp tongue which stumps out from the tongue of my hand writing each and every hurtful blog entry that threatens any rosy lalala vision of Eden that you might have, bringing to the surface the one unrecognized truth -- that one of our needs haven't been met and that one of us wants more from the relationship than the other has provided. Crashing windows, falling glass, welcome to Frumpterland.

Letter to Mikey on this blog's policy with regard to uninvited guests.

I was thinking about one of the messages I got from a person named "Mikey" which got me thinking. This message is not only to him, but to others like him who have stumbled onto my blog and who think they have "figured out" who I am. This goes against the purpose of this blog, and if any of such persons are on this blog without my permission, I consider this a violation and I expect that you will abstain from visiting the blog in the future. This blog is private.

The concept here is Loshon Hara, many people's favorite sin (and Mikey, I'm not saying this is yours, or that you are correct; you could be a well-meaning, good person). I am posting articles of this blog onto a public forum, hence anybody is able to access the blog. This is similar to me leaving the front door to my apartment unlocked. However, just because access is possible does NOT mean that it is not a trespass or a violation. A person wouldn't walk UNINVITED into another person's unlocked house, would they? Anyone that does risks getting shot.

My blog is my personal diary, and the benefit of the blog is that I have readers (many of whom I have developed friendships with over the past five years and keep in regular contact with and whose feedback I value) who read my blog for whatever their reasons -- hopefully the content on my blog helps them with their own issues that (chos v'sholom) they are facing. But, for whatever reason, I publish the blogs with the intent of getting FEEDBACK and COMMENTS which help me resolve or take positive steps to resolving personal issues that I am dealing with, whatever or with whomever they are at the time. ...back in law school, the blog was about dealing with the psychological issues facing a law student, and during other times over the years, they have been with regard to religious issues such as faith, observance, and understanding problems as they arise.

The blog has been a very helpful tool for me, but it only works when there is honesty, trust, and full disclosure of the issues and the feelings revolving the issues. The facts of the circumstances are obviously changed (and often not well enough) with regard to genders, locations, and relationships, but hopefully the changes are enough so that 1) the issues can still be properly addressed, and 2) as I have said in previous blog entries, so that those reading my blog would not recognize me "...if I were standing right next to them," as has happened on many occasions when friends of mine discussed the blog with me oblivious to the fact that I was the author. This is not because I have a big ego or that I get my jollies by having readers show an interest in my life, although I would never deny that this is a benefit of having a blog. I keep the anonymity for the simple reason that this world is not always a friendly place, that there are people who get pleasure out of hurting others (may they be cursed), and as a lawyer, there is an age-old rule, "NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN THAT CAN LATER BE USED AGAINST YOU!" of which makes me nervous about anything I put down "on paper" in this blog.

Thus, in order for me to continue to keep this blog up, and to fully disclose to you what is going on in my life, I need 1) anonymity, and 2) privacy. I need to know that you will NOT be sharing details about my personal life with others. In Jewish law, this is called "Loshon Hara" and is a severe transgression. For that reason, I never name names in this blog, and I expect that you will never do so either.

But if anyone of my friends or those who know me want to get in touch with me, I have a private e-mail address under the Zoe Strickman name, frumpter@gmail.com. If you know my real name, I invite you to either e-mail me or join me on facebook.com -- depending on who your are, I might even be okay with you viewing this blog. However, if this permission was not EXPRESSLY granted, then this blog is NOT a place for your eyes -- the door is unlocked, but entry is NOT WECOME and NOT INVITED.

-Zoe

PS - Obviously, I can't enforce this or stare at you down the barrel of a shotgun, but if you continue to read this blog uninvited and against my wishes, you must understand that you are doing so under the condition that you KEEP WHAT YOU READ PRIVATE. You have been warned that discussing my private matters with others is a violation of loshon hara, and you'll have worse to answer to than to me.)

2/22/09 Diary Entry, 10:30am.

Some blog posts are written for feedback, others such as this one are written just so that I can somehow record how I'm feeling at a certain time. Obviously my feelings don't have to be supported by reality or make sense.

I'm having a difficult time without my wife and my children. They've been in California for the past week with her parents so that my father-in-law could have a chance to spend some time with them because he couldn't come here. My wife obviously also needed to get away for some time because she's been under a huge amount of stress, but that's not the reason for this entry.

I'm feeling as if I'm needing something out of this relationship that I'm not getting, and I haven't gotten it in some time and the bad feelings are starting to creep up on me. It's difficult staying positive and keeping a smile on my face when looking my son in the eye over Skype when really I want nothing more than to cry that I feel the relationship between my wife and I is often lacking depth. Just because two people produce children doesn't mean that they have a right to not be part in the other person's life, or to ask what is going on or even to care what is going on. Further it is not proper not to open up to the one you love because as a spouse you have a DUTY and a RESPONSIBILITY to foster closeness within the relationship; both do.

I've been feeling more and more frustrated each day because all I'm doing on the videos is saying "BAH!" to my loving almost-two-year-old son and my wife is somewhere in the background, usually not part of the conversation. This goes on for 10 minutes at a time, and it has happened almost every day last week and I'm missing my WIFE. I want to spend some time with my wife; I want to connect with her, to say hello to her, to share how much we're missing each other (is she missing me?).

I'm just so fed up with the lack of emotion in our relationship that I just want to break out and scream! I have so much pent up anger and frustration from feelings of "I'm worth something! How come you don't recognize that or acknowledge that?!?" I'm feeling used, I'm feeling thrown away, I'm feeling like I served my purpose by being there for the children and making money, but my wife has no need for me. And then I get angry at her for rejecting me because rejected over and over is how I feel. If I've kept this to myself I'd be at fault, but I'm exhausted from the many times I've shared this with her, asking her to share things, feelings, thoughts, ideas with me but I get nowhere with her leaving me frustrated yet again and again.

What gets me so deeply and what hurts so deeply is that I see that my son is noticing this and that is killing me inside. He is starting to recognize other people's feelings, and is starting to look into my eyes and react to how I'm feeling which makes me wail in sadness inside because I'm afraid that he is sensing my frustration, tension and sadness and I don't want to share this with him; I don't want him to know this. And moreso, he's beginning to copy me.

This hurt the most the day my wife and I got into a verbal fight. I kept a calm demeanor when fighting with her over whatever the issue might have been at that point of time (sometime last week and the week before), but what has KILLED me inside is that my son has started to mimic my intonations -- my angry intonations when I've spoken to my wife in anger.

I've lost interest in writing. I'm going to get back to my school work.

Much to my wife's credit...

I appreciate that many of you are sticking up for me and even writing me letters with advice. While some of what you are saying is true, I felt that I needed to clarify the truth of things because I am not sharing all this with you so that I can have a pity party where I am the star of the show. My goal here is to get help which is to my being impressed is exactly what I have received from you, just as I have received really good advice from fellow bloggers back when I was dealing with issues back in law school, as some of you remember. However, I feel as your depiction of my wife is a half truth, and I wanted to correct that because in order to truly work this out, I need to be upfront and honest about both her AND me.

The me I'm pretty sure you know. I am a hard worker, a loving father, a caring husband. I let my work dominate my life from the hours of 8am-7pm every day, and I don't take my work home with me. Family is family, and work is work. For the most part I am not happy at my job because I am lacking enough work to keep me going at full capacity and thus I am often bored or I end up billing way too much time to a project just to make my minimum billable hours requirement. ...and when I bill hours, for the most part, I've done work to justify that billing. ...but that's okay because I feel that I am always one project away from being fired, so I do the best I can and I leave the rest of it up to G-d. Honestly, I would enjoy being home more than going to work every day, but the saving grace is my iPod with news videos which I listen to on the commute each way; it's my way of watching television since we don't have one in the house. At nights, I enjoy watching movies (Netflix/Hulu) on the computer, and I am taking electrical engineering classes to get an EE degree so that when I am fired (rather than if), I'll be able to get a job as a patent attorney without too much unemployment.

Those are my strengths. My weaknesses is that I have little self confidence despite the contradiction of being such a strong and commanding presence. I have an active mind that makes things up and that hears things all the time which often makes me think that something like wind batting the front door is someone trying to break into the apartment and attack my family, or that the pitter-patter of a dripping kitchen faucet are footsteps. I live my life very afraid that I'll get attacked or killed, but I keep it all to myself and I have learned over the years to stay calm so that when something freightens me, nobody around me can even notice that I've been startled (unless they have a heart monitor on me.) This is because I believe in things like angels and demons (or malachim and shin-daleds), but contrary to Jewish thought, even though I know mezuzahs on my doors protect me in theory, I'm always afraid of being wrong, especially from the many sins I commit against G-d. Now to the untrained or the therapist, I sound like I have OCD or some mental illness, but in truth, I am a realist and I know I've sinned and I sin daily and because I lack a fear of G-d I continue to sin. But I don't forget that one day there will be a reckoning for my sins, and I or my soul will get its butt kicked unless I figure out a way to change my life to act more in line with Jewish law. Bullocks, you say, but really, this is the way things are, and I'm not interested in being taught why I am wrong -- I have my mother who has more of a Yushka model of G-d then a Torah model. "G-d loves everybody for who we are, not what we do, yadda yadda, as long as we're good people, yadda yadda, he'll protect us." To take matters further, I've thought of not being religious to be more congruous with my feelings of apathy, but honestly knowing what I am supposed to do and be as a Jew, I'd be afraid to do anything else.


As for my relationship with my wife bless her heart, she and I have the same weaknesses with regard to religion when it comes to prayer and fearing G-d, but she has no secular past and I do. However, her personality is the kind of personality I've never seen until I met her. She is a kind person in that her heart loves, worries, cares for, and cherishes -- this I know because she's shared this with me telling me that she experiences this -- but I would NEVER EVER KNOW THIS BY LISTENING TO HER SPEAK OR WATCHING HER ACT. She is totally emotionless at the surface, almost as if her and Lillith (Frasier's ex-wife from Cheers) were sisters. On top of that, she has a mean and dark sense of humor where if I weren't paying close attention, I'd be hurt by her words. On top of that, she's not the best communicator out there, and being blatantly honest, her communication skills are quite poor and so she stays quiet for the most part which spooks me because the only way I know what she is thinking is based on what she says because I have a difficult time reading her otherwise. Me on the other hand, I am totally expressive, easily understanding of my feelings, and able to express them just as easily as I am able to feel them. I am in touch with my emotions, and my thoughts are crystal clear in my head. I might be a very slow thinker, but I am a very sharp thinker. Even in my wife's vocal inflections (the sounds of her voice), I can never tell what she is thinking because she's so well guarded. There is almost always ZERO emotion in her voice, and she doesn't show any interest when speaking to me (and I actually think she lacks interest because everything bores her) and so even speaking to her on the phone is painful and difficult. It always has been, even when we were dating. I just thought she'd warm up to me after getting married, and she has somewhat, but I still have a huge difficult time understanding and reading her, EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Then she breathes a certain way, she shoots anger in every direction (yes, I feel it), her tone is hurtful, and she might as well shoot fire out of her eyes because when she's angry it burns. The problem is that I have the feeling that she is exactly like me when it comes to anger, in that I find reasons not to be angry 1000 times before I decide that its appropriate to get angry. Then watch out because fire might as well be spewing out of my eyes as well. However, I've learned to short circuit this anger so I rarely lose my temper if ever, and she is the ultimate in controlling her emotions as well and so its rare that I see her anger until it has broken her down to tears. So I think you're getting an idea of who my wife is. Here's the contradiction.

I've found that she is happiest when she laughs, and she only laughs at sarcasm. Meanness calms her somehow, and so I've learned to go against my nature and to match her in her level of sarcasm, and when she's in a good mood we're perfect together. When she's not fully up to speed however, my sarcasm (which really is a mirror of her sarcasm) hurts her and makes her feel as if I'm being critical of her. But this leaves me confused because when I'm interacting with her, I'm interacting with her at her level, not at mine. This is not to say that I am not being myself, which is not true. I am myself. However, I am not my calm, friendly, and cheery self -- not with all the pressures I'm going through on a daily basis both at home, at work, and spiritually. Each is a huge burden to bear. But I do my best which is everything I can contribute emotionally and physically.

Here's the kicker. While I know she loves me, it drives me nuts that I can't see it, hear it, or even sense it from her. The only reason I know she loves me is because she is still here. I would not know it otherwise. She doesn't confide in me. She doesn't open up her feelings to me. She doesn't have conversations with me (it is usually me that has to start the conversations or else there's silence) and even when I start conversations, she's not only not interested in continuing the conversations, but she is DIS-interested in them and apparently gets annoyed by talking to me. Honestly, I often feel alone and unloved in this relationship because I get none of that from her. And when we are allowed to be physical with each other, it is rare that we are physical. I have my own bed (and might as well have my own room) which I sleep in even when being physical is permitted. While I'm sure there are exceptions, she is just not interested in me physically, even though she claims otherwise when I confront her on it. Anyway, most nights I sleep alone, and I don't even get a touch on the shoulder when being physical is allowed. I think I'm being complete in this statement.

But picture this. Under that hardened exterior is a woman who is completely in love with me, and who has committed fully her life to being in a relationship with me. She has mothered my children, and has an undying concentration and stamina to mothering our children. She tries her hardest to be a good wife and a good mother, and she also tries to do housework, although she often feels as if the attention given to the kids detracts from her interest or attention to taking care of anything else. She loves me and she can't wait for me to come home each night. In anticipation of my arrival, she often has dinner prepared (and often not too *evil grin*). She is for the most part frugal, and she's on board with our goal of curbing a lavish lifestyle for a few years so that we can get out of debt. She doesn't demand earrings, diamonds, or lavish gifts (although she certainly admits that she wants them), and she doesn't ask anything of me except for my attention, my help, and my time. She wants to be loved by me, and she wants to be shown she's loved even though she rarely shows appreciation of anything with regard to emotions in return. She treats me like a friend or a brother, but not like a husband. She doesn't lean on me, she doesn't pay attention to my feelings or even wonder how I am doing, and if she is, she doesn't show it. Since she's overburdened with the kids, she wants the paycheck, but she wants me home full-time as well.

This is my wife in a nutshell. In short, she's Olive Oyl and I'm Popeye.

Letter to an old friend.

I feel that there is a telling letter that I wrote to a long lost friend that found me on facebook the other day. I wanted to share the letter with you, my diary and my readers.

I'm sorry about the passing of your dad, and I'm sorry about what you and your mom are now going through; I remember them quite well. If I had the ability, I would drive over there just to say hello even knowing I wouldn't be recognized.

I don't think my life has been difficult with things I couldn't handle, nor do I think there was much hardship in terms of tragedies, just one thing after another that I had to muster strength to overcome, and the problems appeared to pass with time, each one on its own. Since you know me before anything happened, I'm sure we have a lot to talk about, just as I'm sure there's a lot to discuss with your experiences. On the career and reaching for your dreams front, with hindsight my experience was that pretty much every time I reached for something, I was struck down, as if G-d was pushing me away from achievements that weren't meant to be mine. But that doesn't mean life wasn't full of its interesting experiences. One for example was that the work we did together led to me having starring roles at The Opera House [obviously I changed the name for privacy purposes], an experience that led to others and almost being in a movie (the name of which escapes me). But for whatever reason, that whole life fizzled out, partly around the time my parents divorced. Then started the struggles with school, trying to get good grades but only achieving mediocre grades, getting into second-class colleges, etc. which brings me where I am today which to some is really far from where I was, but in my estimations definitely far away from where I hoped I would be. I really don't care what people think about my life (even though my wife says everyone thinks it is perfect); there is a deep discontinuity between the life I live today based on the decisions I made over the years and the life I saw for myself when I was younger. I try not to think about that much because it only causes regret and I try not to dwell on negative things because they hurt too much.

But I am grateful for my family which is more of a gift than an achievement. Interestingly enough, while I have a billion acquaintances and one or two best friends (one is in Iraq and the other I don't speak much with as much as I would like), my wife says that she thinks it is funny that after all I've been through, my friendships are for the most part shallow. Obviously you could dispute that because you are one of many people I will have deep friendships with forever regardless of whether we got back in touch today or twenty years from now. Same with Bill, Joanne, and many other people from camp, college, yeshiva and beyond. I guess what I am sharing is that despite all the things I've accomplished, in sharing my history since you knew me, people and friends have come and gone and I never took the time to develop meaningful and lasting friendships with any of them (and I ended up even burning bridges with most of them as I moved onto the next chapter of my life) which has left me today without people I can call friends who have anything to do with the daily runnings of our lives. That's just an interesting side effect of my life, and something I need to figure out and fix over the coming months and years.

So you live in [blanked out location and state], eh? ...the farthest train stop and the only place in the world people don't visit or pass through on a daily basis during their daily commutes. How in the WORLD did you end up there? (That being said, I considered moving there in 2005 because I wanted to seclude myself from society and create a life where I determine the outcome of it rather than needing to go along with the rat race that forces my hand at every turn -- you could see I wasn't successful in that task.)

By the way, I think I made a mistake just now and I was referring to [blank], not [blank], although you ARE pretty far out there. Anyway, I am hours away from you, but we are not tied here and in fact, I am literally one thread away from being fired from my attorney job here because there is not enough work and so in order to fill my days, I need to work longer on the projects I have which is affecting my efficiency and thus I am always days or weeks away from being fired. That being said, my wife and I are considering moving to your state so that I can finish an electrical engineering degree I've been working on, or California which is where my wife's family is from -- that is the more likely option since her parents are there and they would make eager and enthusiastic grandparents, something we could really use.

Perfect Storm of Events; my wife no longer wants me going to school or working in a law firm.

This situation is obviously a tough one, and I am VERY thankful that a therapist has read my posts and responded to them. This is the reason I keep this blog at the peril of getting other upset for my disclosure of private things, but I try to keep enough of a distance so that those reading the blogs can know me well, but I try to change the facts enough so that if they are standing next to me, they would never recognize me. That being said...

I had another interaction with my wife this morning. It was naturally me trying to be nice to her and then us getting into a fight because I got insulted. This is becoming a tiring experience. In the end, she cried and I backed off, and I got my answer. I'll back up a bit.

Last night I came home and she didn't greet me or anything. Thinking that I wasn't going to give in, I couldn't help but to go see my sleeping son who was in the room past our bedroom where she was nursing. I passed by her bedroom, and without saying anything, I smiled and waved hello. I then went into my office to work on an assignment that was due 8am the following morning.

She came in with the newborn baby and held her in front of her face and said, "stop being angry at mommy." It was so cute I had to smile. I told my wife I loved her (and I meant it), and that was it. The ice was broken.

She then went to bed, yet the kids kept waking her up. I took care of the older one spending quite a bit of time with him to help him fall back asleep while she took care of the little one. I had the speaker-remote-device for the baby monitor in my office (my wife left it there from earlier in the day) so I could hear what was going on. At one point some time later, after a number of times the newborn woke up, I could tell she was getting really frustrated and so I stopped my work and calmed her for a few minutes. Then I gave her to my wife to feed. I continued going back and forth between my homework and calming our older son (who will be two in a few months), and at one point, my wife took him into her bed which was the end of my ability to help because we're still in Niddah from the birth and I can't be climbing all over my wife's bed to soothe our son. So I let my wife take care of it.

Shortly afterwards, I could tell she was getting sharply angrier and was changing her tone towards the children, but I knew my wife wouldn't yell at or hurt our children so I didn't say anything. Then the monitor was shut off and all I heard was static; I thought nothing of that - she shuts it off every evening. I continued my work until 3am when I submitted it by e-mail, and went to bed. Everyone was asleep.

This morning, I woke up, and the first thing I said to my wife when she woke up some time later was, "wow, I saw you had a difficult night" trying to be soothing to her. She snapped at me and blamed me for not being around these past few days (she is right -- every day last week I was late at work doing a surprise assignment that I could have lost my job if I didn't complete), and then because I didn't have time at nights to work on my homework, I had two assignments and an exam due on Sunday for one class, and a large assignment due this morning 8am for the other class; I completed everything over the weekend on Sunday and didn't spend a moment with my wife who was huffy puffy about it hence the problems in the previous blog entries. Last night, I worked on the one remaining assignment which I finished at 3am.

She then went on to say that she felt that I shouldn't have done the assignment and instead I should have helped her with the children, and I should have taken the reduction of the grade in turn for not handing in the assignment (note that if I don't get above a certain grade (B+ I think), my work requires me to refund them the tuition they paid for me to take the course, a condition of my employment). I told her that I understood how she felt and that I *did* help out with the children last night, and then I went through my recollection of the night before (which between us was why I was up until 3am and not 12am). She then contradicted me saying that my facts are incorrect by three hours and she was challenging the details of when and how I watched our son which angered me because that wasn't the point. The point was that I was helping out and that I'm doing my very best to help out and I thought she was handling it fine or else I would have intervened. I got insulted and instead of starting a fight, I left the room.

Making coffee and still visibly upset, my wife entered the kitchen saying "we're not fighting; I'm not having a fight with you so you don't need to be angry" but I was angry. I told her that I thought she was distorting the facts and that it was wrong of her to argue the details of when and how I helped thus negating and making it appear as if I didn't help at all when in truth I felt I helped a lot. She continued to call me a liar and to say my facts were incorrect and that I didn't help the way I said I did which I know not to be true. She then broke down crying about how difficult it has been and that I don't know what she's been going through and how it hurt her so deeply to actually get angry at the children last night and to speak to them harshly as she did. I knew that this was the part where I was supposed to get all nice and kind, but I didn't want to encourage a habit forming of my wife crying to get my kind side, so I just reiterated that I understood that she had a difficult night.

She then said that I can't work in a law firm where I work many hours each week while she's home with the family and that lifestyle won't work for her. She also said that she doesn't want me continuing with the electrical engineering degree if that means that I will be in the office doing homework each night for the next few years. She just wants me to come home on time and help her take care of the kids, and she is putting her foot down that if this past week is the way things will be, then she won't have it.

Still keeping a friendly face, I explained to her that this past week was the perfect storm of events, and that I'll think about what she has said.

...all this being said, her mother is flying in now as we speak to take her to her home state for a week. She's leaving in the morning. I do believe I have an answer to this problem; I'll write it in the next posting.

She complains about her life which is what I have spent every moment of my years building and improving.

Things at home always seem better after a day of hard work. Like most days after a fight, now hours later, I have forgotten about what happened, although I could bet you she hasn't.

This morning, I woke up in a friendly mood, and I wanted to communicate to her how I was feeling last night and yesterday. I felt that if this was to be a healthy relationship, she should at least be aware of how her words affect me so that if she wanted, she could make a change to avoid hurting me if that was not what she intended.

I told her that I was hurt by the things she said and did yesterday, particularly mentioning the songs about how her life is so in the dumps, etc. She mentioned that she can't wait to go home tomorrow to her parents for a week to get away from this life. I said, "this life that you are so desperately trying to escape is the life that you and I have built and are building together as a family. How do you expect me to feel when you tell me that every moment of my energy is devoted to building something you hate?"

I then went on to mention that everyone has their problems and there is nothing wrong with having a difficult time or even expressing it. However, there is no excuse for not paying attention to your mood and taking your hard time out on other people; there is no reason to be nasty to me when I am the only one that is trying to make her life better. I bought her a swing for the baby to sleep in (and it has miraculously worked during the nights) so she can sleep; I've come home early for weeks now not spending the requisite billed hours at work just so she will have someone home with her; I've foregone going to the gym and I've missed SO MANY minyanim just so I can watch the baby and let her sleep a bit. She barked something back at me to the order of saying that she has no responsibility for watching her temper and she can act however she wants to act.

I then entered the shower remembering that it was is the woman who is given the sole ability to make or break shalom bayis, and I feel that regardless of my contributions, she is causing our relationship to taste very sour. Moments later (knowing that turning on hot water in the other bathroom causing the hot water to disappear from my shower), she let the water run. When I didn't scream in pain, a few seconds later, she shut the water off. I promised myself that I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't do it to intentionally douse me in cold water.

After the shower, there wasn't much interaction. She wasn't really talking to me, and she was talking to our son in Hebrew (using words she knows I don't know) which bothers me because she refuses to translate them to me when I ask and so I have an apprehension that she will somehow cause a language barrier between me and my children just in case something goes wrong in our relationship.

Marital problems (more, and yes, again.)

This one will be a tough diary entry to write, which probably means I shouldn't be writing it, let alone posting it on my private blog for all of you to see.

I'm having some trust issues with my wife, and it is bothering me. All day long I see her toiling over the kids, trying to keep everyone fed and to keep everyone from wrecking the house, yet what I am concerned about is not my wife's relationship with our children, but my wife's relationship with me.

I spend so much effort every day doing small things that I think will make my wife's life just a bit easier. Sometimes it is doing the dishes, sometimes it is cleaning a room that I know has been bothering her, sometimes it is holding a crying baby when I know her hands are tied. All of these are things I suppose I am expected to do, but when I do them, while I feel that it would be nice to be noticed, it certainly doesn't have to be and it very often is not which is totally okay by me. I suppose my goal in life is to grow with my wife so that we can approach it as a team and work better together than we would if we were apart. The problem is that I'm not so sure how much we're connected, and I'm not so sure how much we're a team.

I've approached her on this issue countless times, namely that I don't feel that she loves me or cares about me. Every time I do, for a few minutes she says that she does, but then her actions and her words tell me the opposite.

Now I'm no smart guy, but one thing I do believe I have is common sense. And with my common sense, I can tell when someone is liking me and when they loathe me. The vibes I get from my wife are that of hatred, not love. I feel as if she blames me for putting her into the mess of a life she feels that she is in. I feel as if she hates me for not being there for her regarding the physical helping with the feeding, bathing, diaper-cleaning, and holding of the babies. Now it is very easy to hyperfocus on those four multi-daily tasks, and while I *DO* hold my own regarding some of these, I don't doubt for a SECOND that there is a disparity here -- these are activities which typically fall on her to take care of while I attend to matters she is not willing or interested to take care of.

Does that mean that I am sitting on the couch reading a newspaper or surfing the internet or watching the football game with a beer in my hands? Literally, never. I could comfortably say that 95% of what would be free time is taken up by taking care of responsibilities that we have taken on as a family, whether that be the laundry, cleaning, work, or most recently over the past year, my schooling to get a technical science degree so that I can get a job as a patent attorney.

I could honestly say that in order to keep my job, I have been forced to stay late (until 8-9pm a number of days in the past week), and all of today, I spent in our home office working on school work that was due... oh, TODAY. I have a one-hour commute each way to work each day, and the time I spend working pays for our lifestyle which honestly isn't much because of all the school loans we have between us because of our respective advanced degrees, which I am paying.

In short, by far, I hold my own with regard to responsibilities, housework, and holding up the family both financially and otherwise. Yet the little extra things I do (such as cooking my wife lunch today and/or doing the laundry) is forgotten the second she begins to have a bad day with the children. Between us, and I'll go here for just a second knowing it will certainly get me in trouble later on, her points of view about how she views her life is quite troubling to me and is a pressure point which I've decided to deal with just because I have no other choice.

On the one hand, before the second baby was born, I was pushing VERY hard for my wife to get a part-time job just so that she can get out of the house and socialize with people who are older than ONE (year old). But she refused claiming that "in 9 months I'll be having a baby, and why start a job now when within the year, I'll have to leave to go on maternity leave." So she stayed home and agreed to be a stay-at-home mom, thus I expected her to do the role of a stay-at-home mom which included taking care of the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning (or shall I say the bare organization and throwing out of dirty diapers and trash into a bin rather than onto the floor), and I had hoped she would help further our family with regard to helping with errands, shopping, and the like. Honestly, she slacked on and was mediocre with EVERY aspect of this job with exception of taking care of the children for the most part, and she complained about it to no end in the process. The cooking was never consistent; the laundry was rarely done; the house was for the most part a mess with dirty diapers and trash all over the place, and FORGET ABOUT running errands -- she never did ONE THING I asked her to, always complaining about the baby as an excuse why she couldn't leave the house. Now we have two. There are a billion more things I can and really want to complain about, but that's not the point here.

Here's where the issue is. There was a time when all this bothered me, but I've decided to just take care of things that bother me myself and deal with it. But now she is saying that she doesn't enjoy being a full-time mother, and that she doesn't want to stay at home with the kids -- not even the 6-week old -- and that she wants to send them (yes, the 6-week old as well) so that she can go back to school and get a second advanced degree in some field I'm not so sure she has looked into fully, and I seriously doubt she'll even follow through with by applying for and/or getting and/or keeping a job when or if she even completes the degree. But I'm supporting her anyway and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

My preference is that whatever she does, whether it be getting a job, going back to school, or staying at home full-time, all I expect is that she does it well and fully. But again, I am deviating from my thought.

My thought is that I am sad because I don't feel loved by her. I don't feel respected by her. I don't feel as if she seeks my opinion, and when I offer it, she is almost certain to do the opposite of what I suggested. I feel hatred from her. I feel as if she wants out of our life, and that is not fair to me because I put my heart and every moment of my life into bettering our life, and this is a life she wants no part of. Yet I'm adjusting to her desires even though they go against the kind of life I want for us.

I was standing next to my son's crib this evening watching him sleep. I was sad to think "we are staying together because we want to give you a good life," yet I couldn't help to get out of my mind that I don't and haven't felt a connection to my wife in some time. Of course there are moments, and there are good hours and bad ones, but generally, I feel as if my life is spent figuring out how to stop my wife from her next bad mood. This suggests to me that my life circles around her mood swings, and while it would typically be me who is related to mood swings because I have them all the time, I feel as if the lack of affection, the lack of caring, and the lack of love I receive from my wife leaves me cold and distant, and with a headache and a heartache.

Plus, she really doesn't realize this, but the words she says hurt me very deeply and she does it quite frequently even though she denies this. I am someone who has a very tough outer shell. You could scream at me and I could seriously deal with it. However, when it is not anger aimed at me, but overheard in songs about how lonely she is and how she is abandoned and left without help and hope, and what a rotten person I am (when I am entering my 10th hour crunching numbers doing assignments that were due that same day), I'll be honest that it really hurts. She'll deny no doubt that she was singing about me, but really, she was and it was quite apparent that her pokes of hatred in her songs were at me.

And then there are the rude gestures and lack of courtesies that are exchanged during our day. She doesn't say hello to me when she greets me; in fact, she usually doesn't greet me or say hello. Usually it is me that has to initiate contact. Then, when I go to sleep, I always say good night. She never does. She doesn't talk to me when I am home, and she doesn't talk to me ever. When she passes by me, she'll say excuse me now that I've confronted her on it (she used to walk right through me, regardless of our halcahic status,) but it is never in an "excuse me honey" tone, but rather a "get out of my freakin' way" tone. I feel like I have more of a room mate than a wife.

Anyway, I'm saying this a thousand different ways, but bottom line, I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling the love, and anything I do to stimulate the love between us falls flat on its face. My wife feels that because she gives love to the kids, that means that she shows that she loves me, but I am a human being too! I am a person too with needs, feelings, and lots to share. I want her to talk to me to get my opinion. I want her to ask me questions and share with me her thoughts. I want her to express that she likes me, my personality, my efforts, and I want her to acknowledge that I am here. Most of all, I want her to love me, to care about me, and to express her love for me, because all I get from her is a whole lot slew of cold shoulders. Then again, that's my wife; full of love for our children, but with nothing left for me. No I don't resent my children for a second -- they deserve every bit of love they get. But I so often feel like I'm not married, but rather, I'm single, just with children and responsibilities to a person taking care of them.

Then -- and this is the part that blows my mind -- then I start doubting whether any of this is true, and I start imagining and fantasizing that our life is wonderful and that we are all just under stress and so there are just a number of bad moments which I am focused on, when there is so much other good which I am forgetting. But in my defense, if that were true, why would I even have the suspicion that something was wrong? In my belief system, if you smell smoke, there is usually fire. If you suspect something is wrong, you're either right or your psychotic. I am pretty sure it is not the latter.

Missed minyan.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing about. It's 6:30am and again I've missed minyan because I couldn't get myself together in time to head out the door and it makes no sense showing up half an hour late which is what it would be if I got dressed and left now. Minyan is at 6:30am here, and I set the alarm clock for 5:45am (I cannot get myself to agree to wake up to a time earlier than this, and I've often tried 5am, 5:15am, etc. but I don't seem to wake up to these times) and I *DID* wake up, but my goal was to run to the kitchen and turn on the hot water, run to the computer, load iTunes so that it can download podcast content so that I can listen to it on my hour commute to work, hop in the shower, get packed (pack lunch) and head off to minyan. I didn't make it past loading up iTunes.

I got so gripped by the news (interestingly nothing of content) that now it is 6:35am and again I missed minyan.

Thank you reader for calling me an "ass."

As a follow-up to last night's interactions with my wife, I was relieved when we finally got to the conversation topic towards the later end of the night. I didn't want to mention how much effort she obviously spent cleaning things up because I knew she was fuming angry about feeling pressured into cleaning it up (when really I just wanted her to pick up after herself). We clarified things, and while my wife somewhat apologized after hearing my side, I clarified that I wasn't upset and that my only goal was to help.

Anyway, yes, I'm the jerk, I always am. There is no good that I do, and I am the most unsupportive husband in the world devoid of needs of my own and deserving nothing. It is wrong of me to expect that a diaper or a poopy or snotty tissue be thrown into a plastic bag to be kept in the bedroom rather than having it thrown on the floor. I am wrong to ask for coffee cups to be taken to the sink rather than left around the house to be accidentally spilled by our toddler later on all over my paperwork and/or laptop computer. And yes, I am wrong to ask that things be put away when they are taken out instead of just left lying around, not immediately, but when (if) the chance presents itself.

For all these things, I am the ass, I am the terrible husband, and I am the insulting jerk.

Thanks.

Resolving the morning fight with my wife.

I dreaded coming home tonight. When I got to work, I tried to message her, but she wasn't interested in speaking to me. She was angry at me and cut the chat off before we could have a conversation. She said before ending the chat that she was "cleaning your stupid house so you could be comfortable while you're sick." Later in the day, I called her multiple times, but she didn't pick up the phone. After work around 6pm before going home, I even logged into my computer remotely, loaded up iTunes radio, and played dance music at the loudest setting to get her attention, but she did not respond. After calling her many times again, I got worried that maybe something chos v'sholom happened to her. Maybe she snapped from postpartum depression. Maybe the unthinkable happened. I kept ringing her phone, and just before I was going to call her mother, our neighbors, and the police to check in on her, she picked up. She was cold and unemotional. She said she was still angry at me and was not interested in talking to me.

I came home to a quiet house. Nobody greeted me hello (well, nobody does anyway except my son when he's up past his bedtime), and the house was silent. I walked in, saw that the house looked markedly cleaner, put down my things, cleaned out my coffee cup and my lunch containers, and I took out four bags of trash with two hands. When I came back in, I saw that the oven was on and that she placed two pieces of fish in for us to eat. That calmed me a bit.

Really this morning's fight was an escalation from me nicely asking her to please pay attention to cleaning up after herself since we're in post-birth mode, and after she pulled an attitude, it escalated into me calling her a slob. Really I just wanted us to put more of an effort together in keeping the house livable before we got back on our feet.

Seriously, Poor Me. I'm looking for pity even though I likely don't deserve it.

I am so distraught about what is going on in my home that I am sharing this "poor me" letter that I wrote to my mom who is coming to visit and to help out now that my wife has given birth to our B"H beautiful daughter. Look, I give tremendous credit to my wife for everything she is going through, and I commend her for her strength. I just wish sometimes that she was superhuman and/or perfect.

Hi mom, you're lucky that you are coming when you are, and not when you planned to come when Jenny's (my wife's) brother-in-law left. Jenny got sick a day or so after giving birth, and so Alex was no help because all he did was sit on the computer and chat with his buddies. I exhausted all the remaining available days off from work to take care of Jenny and the house. Then Danny (our son) caught Jenny's cold -- he was sick for over a week now, where his nose was FULL of snot dripping everywhere. I took very good care of him, even sleeping one night on the floor of his room where I was holding his wet slimy hands all night even though he was sick. Around two days afterwards, it appears that I caught what Danny had, and even though I have been literally knocked off of my feet from this flu-like cold, I have been showing up to work each day because I have no sick days left, and I've been trying to rest as much as I could in the evenings, sometimes going to sleep an hour or so after coming home from work. Even with all this and alternating between taking Theraflu and Robitussin, I have not been able to get one night of restful sleep because my being ill is interfering with me being able to get a restful night of sleep (I've been waking up totally achy and unrested as if I was up the whole night).

Jenny has not been doing well either. She has been unable to sleep because between Danny waking her up crying in the middle of the night and Julia (our daughter) also being awake and crying for most of the night, Jenny has been unable to function far beyond the basics (e.g. feeding the babies and maybe doing one or two small things each day). To that end, my getting sick has been an "inconvenience" for her, and she has started complaining to me about how tough she has things, and I believe her, but only to a degree. On top of that, I feel that she has been hindering my attempts to get better by objecting when I try to do anything that does not involve taking care of Danny (e.g. I've been talking and trying literally for days to get over to a steam room at the gym and to sweat out this cold, and each time I try to go, she finds a reason to object), and I have been unable to get to work on time because I'm taking care of things in the mornings to let Jenny sleep. That being said, I don't thing she understands or appreciates what I am doing for her, as I have taken over most of her responsibilities since the birth, and that is causing much tension between us because I am beginning to resent her. On top of that, I have been becoming increasingly thin on my tolerance for the buildup of the mess that has been growing in our home these past two weeks, and that led to an eruption between us this morning when I asked her to pick up after herself when she said the mess was not hers, my request escalated into an argument where I called her a slob and she denied that she had any responsibility for anything and out of spite, refused to take any steps to make it better.

So in short, you should know that you are coming into a very tough situation where all of us are exhausted and have been ill for the past week or so and Alex did nothing to help and only made things worse. On top of that, things appear to be getting more tense by the day (obviously I will be diffusing this as soon as I can) and so I wanted you to know that we are really looking forward to you coming in and helping out. Alex made the mistake thinking that helping out would mean playing with, holding, and cooing the baby all week, and he thought his week would be filled with fluffy cuteness and warmth. The days and nights of crying and needy children was not something he could handle and so he isolated himself in his room or on the couch and offered little help with housework, chores, or anything that needed to be done.

I'm hoping that you have realistic expectations and that you understand what you're walking into. My goal aside from resting as much as I can over Shabbos and hopefully finally KILLING this flu-like cold that has been plaguing me all week is to at least get things under control and in order in the house so that when you arrive, you'll arrive to a pleasant atmosphere. I'll be expending extra energy doing cleaning, housework, and chores over the next few days that will hopefully put things back in order. That being said, I wanted you to know what you were walking into.

Please e-mail me (if you can) a copy of your itinerary so that I can know the flight number and be sure about which airline you are taking. I also want to confirm which airport you are flying into, and get an exact time you are scheduled to arrive.

Lastly, I'm not so sure that having Liz and/or other guests over is a good idea. The earliest I could possibly see guests coming over is later in the week, but we'll all need to judge that by how things are going the first few days you are here.

Caught the flu that has been circulating among my family members.

I am fortunate to have an understanding wife who understands my feelings and who is so flexible when it comes to relationship building. As you know, yesterday was the one-sided fight where I accused my wife of conspiring against me by waking me up and not letting me know it was still early in the evening (11pm) while I started my morning routines as if it were 6am.

Obviously I realized that she did not know what was going on and why I was angry, and in the morning over instant messenger (this is such a helpful tool for Shalom Bayis) I explained my feelings and apologized for overreacting.

I also told her that just as everybody was sick last week and I took care of everybody's needs, now I was catching that flu that has been going around our home (I would venture to say it is a sick-house because we have ALL the windows covered in plastic and thus there is almost zero ventilation. Thus, it was only a matter of time that the cold would get to me as well. Well it did. Headache, aches and pains all over my body, drowsiness, and an involuntary cough which is just tempting me to cough up the phlegm that has been building up in my lungs. I have been trying to fight this for a few days now before I actually got sick, but as much as I tried using homeopathic remedies and precautionary remedies like Zinc and herbs, it was no use; I was doomed to get this cold.

So I explained to my wife my situation and I told her EXACTLY what I will need. I let her know I will be unable to function at full capacity as I have been and even though I will try my hardest to keep things orderly, I cannot promise I will be on my feet. She understood. I also asked her to be more sensitive and nice to me when she asks me to do things that are counterproductive to being able to function at work and hold up my end of the responsibilities I've taken on since the birth of our second child. I told her that I would go to the ends of the Earth to give her what she needs and to take care of her, but all I ask in return is a bit of sympathy and empathy for my hard work, just as I frequently acknowledge and sympathize with her overnights with our newborn. I asked that she simply acknowledge that she knows what I am doing for her is difficult, and that is all I need to keep going. She understood and agreed.

I came home last night (the one still going on now) after work, and hung out with her for a bit. I put our son to sleep (a very trying experience because he simply does not enjoy going to bed), and then sat on the couch and spoke to my wife. Shortly afterwords, I headed off to bed only to have woken up and hour ago (3am) with excruciating pains in my shoulders and an ill feeling. So I woke up, covered my shoulders in Ben-Gay muscle cream, took the laundry out of the dryer, set the downloading of my nightly news podcasts in motion, took some Theraflu tea (medicine) and wrote this blog entry. This was the plan before getting up. Thank G-d I was able to complete it. Now I'm going back to sleep for another 3 hours to wake up for minyan.

It is 3am, I still couldn't sleep, and I am so enraged by the mess in our room over the past few days that I couldn't sleep in my bed, so I moved my pillow and my cover to the couch. At least that is an environment that I can control. I'm also thinking of taking some Nux Vomica (a homeopathic remedy) because I am seriously showing personality traits of that kind.

Angry at wife with newborn for waking me up an hour after I fell asleep for the night when her brother has been staying with us to help out.

I am just about SO ANGRY that I would spit fire (if I could). All of us agreed that after today's long day, that it would be a good idea for all of us to get an early night's rest so that I can be fresh awake for work in the morning, and so we all can get some needed rest.

I've been going overtime since our second child was born, I have been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times taking care of our first child while my wife tends to our newborn. I've also taken on most of my wife's daily load of responsibilities which means that I've been pretty busy. On top of my usual workload of my three-hour total daily commute, and the classes I've been taking online to get an electrical engineering degree, my schedule has been quite full.

Normally, my wife wakes me around 5am when my son starts crying and wants to come out of his crib. No problem. I usually take him into our bed and he naps for a bit and then we both wake in time for me to go to minyan. Not tonight.

My wife woke me up, and I answered lovingly "yes dear, how can I help?" Her brother (in first year of med school) came to get him, and she said "No, Zoe can do it. You've already gotten him twice tonight." She asked me if I could get our son, and I said sure with a smile. I took him out and he started to cry. When I brought him into the bedroom, she giggled and asked why I brought him into the bedroom at 11pm.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?" I thought. She woke me up at 11pm to get the baby when I just went to sleep an hour earlier?!? I couldn't help but feel betrayed, tricked, and that she had plotted against me in a cruel way to wake me out of my deep sleep just for her to get her kicks.

Now it is three hours later, and I haven't gotten ONE BLINK of sleep, as I am filled with anger from this event. She apologized, but as far as I'm concerned, this is a wrong that is a serious withdrawal from my trust account with her. I cannot believe she would do a thing like this to me, especially after all of the extra work I've put in to take care of her after her having the baby! This seems sinister, evil, distorted, disgusting, and wrong. I feel cheated out of my sleep, and I feel as if her passive-aggressive, sly trick on me should elicit nothing but disdain from me towards her. On top of that, my brother-in-law who has been staying with us to "help out" was sitting on the couch playing emulated video games, so it was no sweat for him to get our son rather than waking me up for it. I feel SO deceived and taken advantage of that three hours have passed and I have not been able to get back to sleep and I have a long day of work tomorrow. I think this was disgusting of her.

I hate thinking that the truth is that she honestly didn't realize that waking me up would be a problem, and that she was probably tied up nursing the newborn and so she asked for my help. She had no idea that I would think that it was 11pm, and so it took her by surprise that I took our son out of the crib as if it were 5am. Then again, she was surprised when I turned into an angry flare in front of her eyes, just as she was complimenting me how helpful I've been to her.

I can't help but to notice how much my anger has been being felt since our little girl was born just one week ago. I have been having so much anger inside of me that I feel as if I am emitting fumes and heat, and that I am burning up my insides making me ill and weak. I can't focus, and I can't calm down. I also started exercising last week around the same time and this burst in anger coincides with the burst in energy I've received by the exercise. I know they are combined, especially with the amazing amount of pressure and stress that I am under trying to keep our family and its health both physically, emotionally, and spiritually in good condition.

I'm also quite distraught by the sincere mess and lack of organization that has infiltrated our home since the baby was born, and I cannot help but to blame my brother-in-law and my wife for allowing such a mess to come into being. I know my wife should have slack for stuff these first few weeks after the birth, but still, my brother-in-law came here on the premise that he would be here to help. Honestly, he has caused more of a mess than he has helped out, and I cannot confront him because he is my wife's brother and doing so will only further distance us in an already troubled relationship.

Avakesh's video post on Shidduchim.

I must give credit to Avakesh for this video... I smiled when I watched it (although it *does* cut off towards the end which isn't that big of a deal) because I went through the same thing. Somehow, G-d took me out from the college-secular life, and put me head-first into a yeshiva. From there, I started anew, and now I have what many would consider to be a chassidishe family. I would tend to agree, but as you know, my standards are quite high, and so I know that certain things detract from my holiness, namely movies, etc. but I have no intention of changing that at this time. Maybe when I am wiser and when I understand what I am doing to myself (in a "daas" kind of way), I'll kick the habit.

the mitzvah of peru u'rvu more than once?

Time goes by pretty fast when you're *not* blogging every day. I used to spend so much time blogging while in law school that my days and nights all seemed like an adventure. No more. Now I'm Mr. Family Guy, and I love it. (Not the big-headed bald guy on cable).

Something crude happened a few days back which I thought you yiddishe folk would enjoy. I was playing airplane with my son while I was on my back, and he accidentally jumped and landed in the wrong place on my body. I screamed out, "OUCH! MY MENTCHMACHER!" After a moment's reflection and my imagination of my wife giggling, I decided it would be more P.C. to call it my KINDERMACHER!

Anyway, all I can say about life, Israel, the depression (oops, recession), and everything that is going on in life is that I'm holding on as best as I can. My wife had our second child recently, and I'm very very excited to be the father now of both a boy and a girl -- Hashem, feel free to put a check mark next to the mitzvah Peru U'Rvu because I've fulfilled that one! I just asked my wife if I get to do that mitzvah more than once in my life, or is it that once a Jew has fulfilled that mitzvah, he is set for the rest of his life? My logic is... I put on tefillin (ideally) every day. Each time I do it, it's a separate mitzvah. Why can't I do the mitzvah of peru u'rvu more than once? After all, I don't have any intention of stopping here regarding children. We're both young. The goal is to keep going.

Anyway, about everything else, nothing seems certain and the fact that everything seems okay during times like this only serves to scare the wits out of me because false senses of comfort are the most dangerous times one can be in. The world seems to be crumbling around me with regard to the economy, where even my job seems to be shaky on the good days. I'll be honest. I love what I'm doing (or what I *was* doing,) but I don't see that I'm being as revenue-producing regarding my hours as I was a few months ago. There just doesn't seem to be as much work to do anymore. I have tried to take a proactive position regarding looking for projects to do, but those around me have criticized me for rocking the boat and seem to think I'm making problems for myself by asking for work and that I should just look busy and focus on whatever scraps I have to work on until better things come my way. The problem I have with this is that I feel as if those around me are not necessarily out for my best interests, and by me doing nothing, I am making their case for my termination. That's the pessimistic point of view. On a positive note, I *am* still happy that I am employed, and I am working as hard as I can to keep being employed.

As for everything else, it's all in a holding pattern until G-d decides to kick our butts and test us to see what we're made of. Hashem, please do *NOT* (I repeat NOT) test us. I'm not so holy that I can withstand your tests, and I ask that should I be on the wrong path, please gently correct my way by opening up the doors of opportunity before slamming those I am currently walking through.

I remain,
Your Loyal Servant

This comment is to my friend EG who made a comment on this post.

EG, obviously you're still my best friend. If your observance is where you want it to be (which I believe it likely is), then you shouldn't be sensitive or offended when someone makes a comment to remember that it is Shabbos where you are (noting that it was likely not allowed re: halacha to return your e-mail because it was Shabbos where you were, just as it is not allowed to make a phone call to a location where it is still Shabbos -- I was reminding you to mind your surroundings.) Think about it for a moment, and you'll notice that I put myself and my spiritual well-being at risk (something I will have to answer to on the day that I die and am judged by Hashem) and I consciously broke halacha by e-mailing you back to tell you that. I'd say that's an act of friendship.

Words of Wisdom for Law School Exams...

I wanted to share with you the words of wisdom I gave to my cousin (now in law school) who is taking his first law school exam today. Hopefully it might be of use to some of you who are about to go through the same thing.

(8:07:17 AM) Jumbugs: any last words of wisdom?
(8:07:25 AM) Jumbugs: other than prayer
(8:13:37 AM) Zoe: I'm assuming you're talking about your exams. I just resorted to prayer, fervently reviewing my outlines and knowing the elements of each rule, and keeping very calm. DON'T TALK TO ANYONE BECAUSE THEY WILL FREAK YOU OUT AND POSSIBLY GIVE YOU *WRONG* INFORMATION.
(8:14:06 AM) Jumbugs: i'm in a room by myself and staying here till 2 hours before the test to get some food
(8:14:17 AM) Jumbugs: i'm about to do practice essays for 5 hours
(8:14:31 AM) Zoe: cool... your outlines are good ?'
(8:14:39 AM) Jumbugs: yeah they're memorized
(8:14:46 AM) Jumbugs: well at least the one for today is
(8:14:54 AM) Jumbugs: i may have forgotten all the others by now lol
(8:15:52 AM) Zoe: cool. remember the point of the essay (like your memo) is to remember the elements of the rules, and to APPLY THEM to the fact pattern to come to an answer. Your answer is not that important, but your tying of the elements of the various rules from the cases you learned to the hypo fact pattern you are given.
(8:18:29 AM) Zoe: the profs want to know that you understand how to USE the rule rather than just repeating the law.
(8:18:57 AM) Zoe: ok, so good luck. remember again, try not to talk to anyone... not about showing off what you know, and not about listening to their "secret knowledge" or predictions about what will be on the exam. Remember, your peers will unconsciously try to spook you into losing your cool and flunking the exam so that their scores will go up because of the curve. I always found that the best way to enter an exam regarding peers is to pretend that you know nothing to them so that they won't try to one-up you in knowledge, and don't discuss anything you know with them. Stay aloof and distant. Take the exam, and relax.
(8:19:37 AM) Zoe: Remember, on the exam the professors often will try to throw a curve ball at the beginning just to spook you. Don't worry about it. If you don't understand something, move on to the next question and come back to it later.
(8:20:28 AM) Jumbugs: ok thanks Zoe
(8:20:38 AM) Zoe: Oh, and keep CAREFUL WATCH of the time. Students often run out of time because they don't pay attention to it. Also, PLAN YOUR ANSWER (on the scrap paper you'll be given) before writing. I often found that people jump to start writing without planning their answer first and that often gets them into DEEP trouble.
(8:21:00 AM) Zoe: Good luck, kick butt. See you after your exams.
(8:21:20 AM) Jumbugs: thanks!
(8:21:24 AM) Jumbugs: ttyl and send my love to the fam
(8:21:32 AM) Zoe: I certainly will. :)
(8:21:36 AM) Zoe: bye guy
(8:21:46 AM) Jumbugs: lol bye