On a personal note, this China trip has been a good distraction from the experience I had before I left the U.S. and I am glad I got a chance to get away and to clear my mind. It is important in a person’s life from time to time to be able to step back and re-evaluate one’s morals, life goals, and values. I’ve moved in a direction I am not fully comfortable with because it entails dropping a lot of the dogmatic junk I have picked up along the way, yet it has also caused me to feel a bit disillusioned with regard to the lifestyle I was planning on living. Part of me feels that I was freed from what has turned for me into a psychological religious trap, and yet another part of me is saddened because I feel like I have woken up from a long dream and an idealist view of life. Again, another model has been shattered and again I am back where I started, yet I have been affected, changed, and matured by the experience.
My rabbi will be saddened to read this, and my parents and my friends will be jumping for joy. I don’t know if I want to be 100% anymore. I was never at that point anyway. I feel like I have been living in a world of restriction and constriction for some form of methodology to aspire to higher purpose that comes with a lifestyle I am not sure I buy into. I think I would rather be an observant modern orthodox Jew rather than an aspiring baal teshuva Chassidic Jew. Of course, nothing major is going to change for the worse except that I am considering [considering, not planning] no longer being so strict on the little stuff, such as shaking hands, clubbing, touching, movies, bars, and dating. In my heart however, this stuff is not so little. If I actually did this, it would be a shame and I would feel grief for a long time for sinking so low from where I was in my faith.
The thought on my mind is that I had a deal with G-d before my last shidduch that if this one didn’t work out, I would no longer refrain from dancing and being shomer negiah. Of course this doesn’t mean I will be hooking up with women or being intimate or sexual in any way, chos v’sholom. I have decided to save myself for my wife for almost five years now, and I am not about to go ruin that trend. It would not be fair to either of us. Abstaining is a worthy cause, especially if I want to develop the kind of close relationship with my wife that one should want to.
However, even after that shidduch didn’t work out, I came to China, the home of prostitutes, clubbing, karaoke, and who knows what else. Yet even here, I have abstained from anything that could compromise my integrity. My friends have been telling me that nobody would ever know, and even Rashi says that if you are going to do something wrong, go to a place like China where there are no Jews and sin there; of course this is clearly out of context, but pardon the application to this situation. The truth is, however, that I would know and so would G-d and my future wife. I value my authenticity, and along with that comes what I call “cold-hard honesty at any cost.” So while I could have done any sin with any woman, and while my Chinese skills are good enough to do it now and the coming week, I have abstained and I have decided to continue abstaining because I feel that it is the right thing to do.
What changes are to come are still unknown to me, and they will cause grief to a lot of people. The question is one about authenticity. At what cost does one sacrifice authentic expression to fit into a mold set by an external force? The problem is that I have developed so much distain and disrespect for people who pick and choose their religious observances and so they hold by some things and not by others; I would never want to be one of these people. Rather, if I were to digress, I would sin and I would know I was sinning. I would know that one day I would pay the price when I left my body and came to stand in front of the almighty G-d who would judge me for my actions. However, I would not delude myself into thinking that what I was doing was okay. I would be evil and I would know it.
There were two reasons I became religious, both of which were not being satisfied by my becoming religious. Firstly, I wanted to understand the nature of the world so that I could understand the cloud phenomena and the connection people have with nature; so to speak, I wanted to learn to do magic and I thought that by learning Kabbalah that I would acquire this skill as if it were a muscle to be flexed. I wanted flame to come out of my eyes when I spoke words of Torah. Secondly, I wanted to secure my future by avoiding the disaster of a relationship my mother had with my father. I felt that only by going in the opposite extreme can one have a good family. However, by reading about all these trapped Jews who can not get out of the lifestyle they have built, I don’t want to do that to myself. I know I never will want to live a life where movies and all secular influences are gone; I would feel that this would be a wasted life, even though it would be closer to a life of truth. However, what I am describing is called frying out, or going off the derech.
I am sad that when I called my rabbi, it didn’t sound like they had anything prepared when it came to shidduchim. I am heartbroken and disappointed by this because I had sincerely hoped that I would take a step back and reevaluate my values and I would come back to the US, I would meet someone, I would get married, and all this would distract me from the garbage fake secularism that has filled my head since my experience where I was misinformed by my rabbi that a Chassidic Jew does not wear color.
I am so angry for being misled, even though he was trying to keep me away from the influences that will most certainly infect my mind now that I don’t look so different from anyone else with my colored shirts. If you know me, as my rabbi should have known better, the ONE thing that one should NEVER violate is my trust. In my eyes, he lied to me by neglecting to tell me the whole story the many times that I asked him about wearing colored clothing, and even though he technically told me that there is “halachically” nothing wrong with wearing color, he led me to come to my own conclusion that there is something very wrong and non-chassidish about wearing anything other than the black-and-white penguin suit which Chassidic Jews typically don.
Naturally, I objectively have the knowledge that with anything that involves anger, my mind is poisoned from my anger and I have been influenced and led astray in my heart from the applicability of Chassidic observances to my life above basic halacha (Jewish law). But in my ill-minded state, I am so sick in my head that I am even willing to break halacha in the face of G-d himself, unashamed and unabashed by loosening up on my strict observances of touch and dance and by making the decision not to actively work on ceasing the viewing and active participation of movies, shows, and opera. For this I blame G-d and I blame myself for being so weak minded that I didn’t see the truth.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Shattered Vision
My alarm clock is working again because I fit my AA battery into a AAA battery charger that I bought at the local mall. It wasn’t a rechargeable battery, but my logic was that if the battery exploded, it was dead anyway. Plus, I didn’t mind losing the charger either because I’m going to be throwing it out when I return to the states. Luckily, it worked and my clock is working again. Let’s see how much of charge it held.
This morning I made rice, but knowing that I didn’t have time to drink coffee, I decided to boil the rice in coffee instead of water to make a caffeine-enriched meal. I also put beans in there and barley, so it was more of a coffee-flavored cholent by the time it was finished. It tasted terrible. Oh well, I’ve made worse and it didn’t hurt to experiment.
I’m feeling a little bit confused because I just found out that the reason I thought I was here in China won’t happen. The revealed door of opportunity has slammed shut. An American cannot practice Chinese IP law because 1) we don’t have the language and basic legal and writing skills, and 2) there is no market for intellectual property / patent attorneys in China for the next fifteen to twenty years because the country isn’t developed enough to get to the level where there is a demand for these kinds of lawyers.
I’m wondering to myself “then why am I here?” Why have I killed myself to learn the language, the Chinese legal system, the Chinese patent law, the Chinese trademark law, and the Chinese copyright law? I was in no need and in no want for comparative courses to put on my resume; I wanted something tangible that I could apply to my daily law practice. My goal was to specialize within the patent law field to include a foreign market so that I can specialize instead of being just another patent attorney.
So this begs the question – why am I here? Why did G-d put me on this side of the world for so many weeks? We learn in Chassidus that everything happens for a reason, and there is no thing that happens that didn’t have a G-dly intention and a G-dly purpose. Of course this reason is so often not revealed to us, and we only understand the reason (if at all) after the master plan has played itself out. For example, six years ago, if you told me that I would be a frum (religious) law student with a long beard learning about patent law in China, I would have laughed at you and told you that you have lost your mind. But here we are.
This morning I made rice, but knowing that I didn’t have time to drink coffee, I decided to boil the rice in coffee instead of water to make a caffeine-enriched meal. I also put beans in there and barley, so it was more of a coffee-flavored cholent by the time it was finished. It tasted terrible. Oh well, I’ve made worse and it didn’t hurt to experiment.
I’m feeling a little bit confused because I just found out that the reason I thought I was here in China won’t happen. The revealed door of opportunity has slammed shut. An American cannot practice Chinese IP law because 1) we don’t have the language and basic legal and writing skills, and 2) there is no market for intellectual property / patent attorneys in China for the next fifteen to twenty years because the country isn’t developed enough to get to the level where there is a demand for these kinds of lawyers.
I’m wondering to myself “then why am I here?” Why have I killed myself to learn the language, the Chinese legal system, the Chinese patent law, the Chinese trademark law, and the Chinese copyright law? I was in no need and in no want for comparative courses to put on my resume; I wanted something tangible that I could apply to my daily law practice. My goal was to specialize within the patent law field to include a foreign market so that I can specialize instead of being just another patent attorney.
So this begs the question – why am I here? Why did G-d put me on this side of the world for so many weeks? We learn in Chassidus that everything happens for a reason, and there is no thing that happens that didn’t have a G-dly intention and a G-dly purpose. Of course this reason is so often not revealed to us, and we only understand the reason (if at all) after the master plan has played itself out. For example, six years ago, if you told me that I would be a frum (religious) law student with a long beard learning about patent law in China, I would have laughed at you and told you that you have lost your mind. But here we are.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Visited the China Court and the Silk Market
It's twenty minutes before class and I am fourty minutes away and I just woke up. The program has been loading on the hours in the classroom and the classes are all intense and back-to-back for hours at a time.
Additionally, we had a class trip yesterday to a Chinese courtroom where we got the opportunity to see a music copyright infringement case from beginning to end in Chinese; they gave us interpreter headphones. The funny thing was the interpreter was snarling, burping, drinking, and breathing heavily into the microphone. Some of the girls from our program were cracking up laughing in the beginning from the unprofessional speaker. Real mature. I do have to admit it was funny though.
At one point the room became so hot that the temperature realistically was hovering around ninety degrees. We all were sweating and since they wouldn't let us leave for air, we were passing out in our seats. I actually mean that we were falling asleep. I resisted the temptation, but found myself waking up after dozing off. I was told that our whole program at one point was asleep; I am convinced that it was from the volume of work we were undertaking, combined with the heavy schedule and the fact that most of us were trying to see China in the process.
After the program was over, at one point, three of us left the tour -- running -- and headed over to the silk market. This was a place where they sold everything, or shall I say they sold replicas of everything for very good prices. I picked up some needed socks and undergarments because for the life of me I cannot find a laundromat here and the hotel charges very high prices -- 8Y or $1 per pair of socks -- to do laundry (pants and shirts and underware are considerably more expensive, also charged by the piece). It is actually cheaper to buy new clothes.
At the silk market, accidentally and by sheer luck, I met up with a guy who I met at the Rabbi's shabbos table last week. He was able to speak good Chinese, and over shabbos, he was telling me where I could buy a suit in China -- tailored and everything -- for very very cheap. He walked me through the process speaking Chinese for me to the tailors and I bought three custom tailored suits and three custom tailored shirts for less than one discount suit would cost here in the US. I will try them out on Sunday, and on Monday, they will be delivered to my hotel.
I also bought a luggage suit holder -- I've been looking for one of these for months because wherever I go, I usually dress in suits and button-down shirts. Originally, the vendors were asking 2500Y, but after some very smart negotiating, I bought it five locations later for 190Y which is the equivalent of around $23. It is leather, and it is fancy. I'm trying to figure out if the brand on it is real because they were trying to sell me for the price that I offered a bag that looked the same, but was made by an obvious knock-off brand, as if they were saving the model I bought for the high-rollers, or shall I re-phrase -- suckers. I also bought two Polo sweaters for a very reasonable price; I wonder if they are real. Anyway, please don't think that I'm sitting here in China splurging away cash; every purchase was needed. In fact, in line with my character, for every item I purchased, I already had it in a wishlist on my Palm detailing what I wanted to buy before I even entered the market. I knew what I needed, I found it, and bought it for a good price. Actually, I own one pair of gym pants that I purchased in 1998 which is beginning to get old, so I've known for a while that I needed a new one -- the one I purchased despite it being an XXXL, I should have known that Chinese sizes are smaller than American sizes, because it was too small when I took it home.
After my shopping experience, or shall I say my haggling experience, I made my way through the Chinese subway system back to the hotel. What an adventure. Anyway, it's 9am and my class just started; I have four of them today. Well, three because there was no way I could make it to the first one. I was up late last night reading, and then an hour or so after I fell asleep, a good friend of mine started ringing me on the internet phone not realizing that 3pm for him meant 3am for me. It woke me up and since I have no alarm clock (battery died) and the hotel is very inefficient at wake up calls (they don't always happen), I woke up late this morning.
Lastly, I feel like I haven't had time for anything and that the days are passing by so quickly. The hours are being absorbed between my program and commuting to and from the University to the hotel. Taxis don't help either in the morning because the Chinese haven't figured out that patience on the road avoids gridlock. I've never seen such gridlock as I've seen so consistently here. You would think that with a country of Chinese you would have smarter people. Wrong.
Anyway, I must head out or else I'll miss the next class too.
Additionally, we had a class trip yesterday to a Chinese courtroom where we got the opportunity to see a music copyright infringement case from beginning to end in Chinese; they gave us interpreter headphones. The funny thing was the interpreter was snarling, burping, drinking, and breathing heavily into the microphone. Some of the girls from our program were cracking up laughing in the beginning from the unprofessional speaker. Real mature. I do have to admit it was funny though.
At one point the room became so hot that the temperature realistically was hovering around ninety degrees. We all were sweating and since they wouldn't let us leave for air, we were passing out in our seats. I actually mean that we were falling asleep. I resisted the temptation, but found myself waking up after dozing off. I was told that our whole program at one point was asleep; I am convinced that it was from the volume of work we were undertaking, combined with the heavy schedule and the fact that most of us were trying to see China in the process.
After the program was over, at one point, three of us left the tour -- running -- and headed over to the silk market. This was a place where they sold everything, or shall I say they sold replicas of everything for very good prices. I picked up some needed socks and undergarments because for the life of me I cannot find a laundromat here and the hotel charges very high prices -- 8Y or $1 per pair of socks -- to do laundry (pants and shirts and underware are considerably more expensive, also charged by the piece). It is actually cheaper to buy new clothes.
At the silk market, accidentally and by sheer luck, I met up with a guy who I met at the Rabbi's shabbos table last week. He was able to speak good Chinese, and over shabbos, he was telling me where I could buy a suit in China -- tailored and everything -- for very very cheap. He walked me through the process speaking Chinese for me to the tailors and I bought three custom tailored suits and three custom tailored shirts for less than one discount suit would cost here in the US. I will try them out on Sunday, and on Monday, they will be delivered to my hotel.
I also bought a luggage suit holder -- I've been looking for one of these for months because wherever I go, I usually dress in suits and button-down shirts. Originally, the vendors were asking 2500Y, but after some very smart negotiating, I bought it five locations later for 190Y which is the equivalent of around $23. It is leather, and it is fancy. I'm trying to figure out if the brand on it is real because they were trying to sell me for the price that I offered a bag that looked the same, but was made by an obvious knock-off brand, as if they were saving the model I bought for the high-rollers, or shall I re-phrase -- suckers. I also bought two Polo sweaters for a very reasonable price; I wonder if they are real. Anyway, please don't think that I'm sitting here in China splurging away cash; every purchase was needed. In fact, in line with my character, for every item I purchased, I already had it in a wishlist on my Palm detailing what I wanted to buy before I even entered the market. I knew what I needed, I found it, and bought it for a good price. Actually, I own one pair of gym pants that I purchased in 1998 which is beginning to get old, so I've known for a while that I needed a new one -- the one I purchased despite it being an XXXL, I should have known that Chinese sizes are smaller than American sizes, because it was too small when I took it home.
After my shopping experience, or shall I say my haggling experience, I made my way through the Chinese subway system back to the hotel. What an adventure. Anyway, it's 9am and my class just started; I have four of them today. Well, three because there was no way I could make it to the first one. I was up late last night reading, and then an hour or so after I fell asleep, a good friend of mine started ringing me on the internet phone not realizing that 3pm for him meant 3am for me. It woke me up and since I have no alarm clock (battery died) and the hotel is very inefficient at wake up calls (they don't always happen), I woke up late this morning.
Lastly, I feel like I haven't had time for anything and that the days are passing by so quickly. The hours are being absorbed between my program and commuting to and from the University to the hotel. Taxis don't help either in the morning because the Chinese haven't figured out that patience on the road avoids gridlock. I've never seen such gridlock as I've seen so consistently here. You would think that with a country of Chinese you would have smarter people. Wrong.
Anyway, I must head out or else I'll miss the next class too.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I was asking you for help.
Hello all, or shall I say hello none. It seems like in this hall of the frumpter blog there is nothing but the echo of my writing, which is not that much different from the real world. I am alone here in a strange country without friends, family, or loved ones. As I've said before, it is the whole idea of coming home to an empty room that I have become sadly used to.
In my last blog I wrote some things that two people took what I wrote personally. Well, perhaps one of them rightfully so. The point of that blog entry was that I am lacking real constructive criticism and I am seriously beginning to wonder whether my reclusivity is really masked depression or mental illness. I saw the Aviator movie and I related to the Hughs character which scared me because he was obsessive compulsive. The problem is that instead of deep thought being provoked by my words, instead I am either generating hate mail or cheerleaders cheering me on. These people who are commenting me are known to have various ailments (don't we all), and I was hoping to get them to reflect their knowledge of their ailments to help me understand whether what I am going through is normal or whether there is reason for concern.
Anyway, I posted a new profile character instead of the hairy monster I've had since I started the blog. The problem is that the picture looks too much like me and I fear that my identity will be compromised since people that know me frequent this site not knowing I am the author.
Anyway, it is 3:30am and I know I will miss my classes tomorrow because I am not in the mood to go to class because I haven't prepared my room or my food for the day and I don't want to venture out without those prepared. Plus, I don't have much interest in the subject matter and I know that since I am up so late, my body will never wake up in time. This is just one of those things I will need to deal with.
In my last blog I wrote some things that two people took what I wrote personally. Well, perhaps one of them rightfully so. The point of that blog entry was that I am lacking real constructive criticism and I am seriously beginning to wonder whether my reclusivity is really masked depression or mental illness. I saw the Aviator movie and I related to the Hughs character which scared me because he was obsessive compulsive. The problem is that instead of deep thought being provoked by my words, instead I am either generating hate mail or cheerleaders cheering me on. These people who are commenting me are known to have various ailments (don't we all), and I was hoping to get them to reflect their knowledge of their ailments to help me understand whether what I am going through is normal or whether there is reason for concern.
Anyway, I posted a new profile character instead of the hairy monster I've had since I started the blog. The problem is that the picture looks too much like me and I fear that my identity will be compromised since people that know me frequent this site not knowing I am the author.
Anyway, it is 3:30am and I know I will miss my classes tomorrow because I am not in the mood to go to class because I haven't prepared my room or my food for the day and I don't want to venture out without those prepared. Plus, I don't have much interest in the subject matter and I know that since I am up so late, my body will never wake up in time. This is just one of those things I will need to deal with.
China Pictures Uploaded...
Okay, these are my pictures so far from my trip here in China. The way it posts, in order to understand everything I wrote, you'll need to wait a sec for everything to load, and then you'll need to scroll down to the first picture from today's post. Then scroll backwards (up), because that is the order in which everything has posted.
I decided to do something touristy and to see some of the "sights" in Xi'an. This was the biggest and by far the most popular museum in Xi'an. As I was walking through the rooms looking at mirrors from four thousand years ago, I've never been so bored in my life. Please G-d give me some appreciation of culture.
This was the other side of my hotel room. It was so dim, but it had a classy feeling to it. Notice the boiled water -- I lived on this. It has kept me from getting sick from China's poison water. You'll notice my clothes in the closet and the food packages in the garbage. My reading materials are beneath the mirror. Not so exciting.
I was very excited about this. My hotel room. Notice the books that lay on the bed and the food that was near the window. The books were those I was (re)reading at the time and the food was what I would live on for the next week. As you know, it didn't last so I had to venture out into the alleyways.
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