The importance of "shtill" - don't analyze when speaking to your wife. Just listen and respond.

 061223 Monday 6/12/2023 Lori Therapy Meeting

In this morning's therapy meeting, we focused on how my wife does not feel like I am listening to her. She thinks my responses to her are mechanical and unemotional, and so our conversations die a horrible death.

My frustration when communicating - no "stated" emotions to grasp onto.

On my end, I am feeling frustrated that I am unable to get anything tangible from her emotionally -- words -- that I can grasp onto, analyze, and properly respond to. As a result, I have no idea how to respond to her or to know what follow-up questions to ask in order to keep the conversation going. So they end, and I feel unfulfilled because "nothing happened" in our conversation, and I got nothing out of it that could help me to get closer to my wife.

The exercise - "Just Listening and Responding"

The therapist did an exercise where I just closed my eyes and listened to her. I listened, and just responded. When my wife said that she felt disappointed that something didn't go the way she hoped it would be, I responded, "sorry, that must be frustrating... or, that must have sucked." But I didn't add in anything of my own thoughts.

I didn't try to add in any "pearls of wisdom," nor did I try to elicit further how the experience made her feel (which is ordinarily what I would do in a conversation from her -- I would try to find out how what she is telling me affected her, at which she gets frustrated that I am not hearing her, she gets angry at me, and the conversation dies a terrible death, and I am left confused and frustrated.

Rather, if I just listen and respond naturally, WITHOUT trying to elicit her emotions or to see how something effected her -- if I just respond and say nothing -- then she could feel that I am hearing and sharing her emotions, and that I am actually hearing her rather than pushing away the emotions that are "all there laid out in front of me," by trying to have her give a name to her emotions so that I can properly respond to them.

Today's Lesson - Be Quiet, Don't Analyze, Just Listen and Respond.

So the lesson for today is shtill (in English, "be quiet.") Just be quiet when speaking to your wife. Just listen, respond with, "oh, that must have felt X," or "oh, that's terrible" and say NOTHING MORE. Maybe then she'll feel like you are actually understanding her feelings.

My thoughts? My wife seemed very interested in this idea, so maybe we're on to something. Me? I don't think this will work. I don't think we'll get the opportunity to have these interactions because I'm concerned that she won't share with me her thoughts or her feelings. But let's see. I'll try this.

Reflection: How analyzing words blocks my ability to just listen.  Presence.

The Mindsera AI (link) had an interesting question -- it was asking me, "how might your desire to analyze and respond to your wife's emotions be impacting your ability to truly listen to her and be present in the conversation?"

I think that [at least for myself], by always searching for the emotion -- for always seeking to see not some event as it is, but the event as how it has an affect on the person experiencing it, I am taking myself "out of the conversation," and instead of being present for her so that she can feel like I am actually listening to her, I am in my analytical head trying to figure out how she is feeling and how I can help her feel better, more supported, etc. But instead of doing this, I am literally emotionally abandoning her by not staying with her and her emotions when she shares them with me.

Thinking Forward -- Going Deeper!?!?

That's an interesting insight. Do you think her and I can "go deeper together" by just meeting her here at the surface? I wonder what that could mean, what that could feel, what that could do for our closeness, etc. Can this actually help our marriage? Is this really "a thing"?!