So What Happens Now? Where Are We Going To? Don't Ask Anymore...

Hello Diary. I have exactly one month before I return home. Five weeks seems like such a short time to be here. The goal of coming here was not only to learn foreign intellectual property law, but also to blend in, so to speak, with Chinese society to learn how they live. From what I gather so far, their culture is very similar to Jewish culture. Their goals and value systems come before their pursuit for money, and family certainly comes first. Everyone seems to be friendly, with the exception of the occasional uncontrolled giggles I will experience when I walk by certain individuals. A few days ago, using my body language I asked what was so funny; one of the giggling men pointed to my beard. I suppose they don't see long beards in China that often, except on old men, but my beard is black as night on a new moon.

I have come to terms with a few thoughts that I have had on my mind since last week. Specifically, I am referring to the thought I've been having for the past few weeks about pursuing a lifestyle of music and theater. As you know, I used to sing at the Metropolitan Opera as a child, and I have always wondered how to integrate that part of me with the advances that have come with my becoming religious. I've been working on being a baal koreh (one who leads the congregation in prayer), but I've always wondered whether channeling this need into only that was a proper use of the talents I once had. Plus, I am in law school, and the momentum I have built (dare I say tsunami) on this path would certainly conflict with any desire I have to perform. It is not even the singing, the fame, or the excitement of being on stage that attracted me to return to the opera scene; it was the charm of the lifestyle, namely, "the show," where everything is nullified to the purpose of giving the gift of entertainment to the world.

My favorite experiences of the opera were backstage, where things often went wrong. One time the stage caught a guy's tie (of all things) in the fourth act of La Boheme as the stage was fitting into the floor; the curtains opened up, and the guy was still trying to get free. Further, it was times like those, for example, when the city backdrop fell forward and thirty strong men had to grab the ropes and pull the fake buildings back up, or, when the horse carriage ran into the side of the wall in Cavalaria Rusticana while entering onto the stage throwing some of the people off the carriage, or when the stage opened up and split between my legs one day exposing over twenty stories of empty space (all I remember seeing beneath me were the light bulbs from each floor), or when the man dressed in the toy soldier's uniform fell through the stairs and broke his leg -- these are the experiences that stay with me.

In addition, I remember my last performance at the Metropolitan Opera in New York when I played a bald-headed monk in Turandot . Prior to going on stage, I couldn't get the bald headed mask to stop popping off my head because my hair underneath was very long, and the glue on my neck wasn't holding the mask on. So the costume people poured rubber cement into the bald mask to keep it from popping off. Actually, I remember the many hours afterwards where women were picking at my hair with bobby pins trying to get the mask off and the glue out of my hair. Experiences like those stay with me, but good or bad, these were the experiences of my youth.

I had an inspiration these last few weeks (few months) to return to the opera, and I am sad to say that the exposure to the Phantom of the Opera movie brought all those dormant feelings back in full force and more, to the point that I was considering returning to the opera and using my childhood connections to pick up where I left off.

The charm of the opera experience was not only in those things above that went wrong, but more so, the charm was in the mentality of all those involved -- the hundreds and thousands of people would put in their full effort day and night to make the production work. I have longed to go back to that and to reconnect with that kind of experience because what I remember from those experiences was that I was part of something bigger than myself. While I am sure I get this same feeling from being religious, sometimes I feel that being religious is limited to being shared between me and G-d, and that the results of my actions when I do a mitzvah (commandment) such as putting on Tefillin or praying are not visible, and are certainly not as tangible as something that you can put a psychological frame around and say "I did this". I suppose perhaps it was the sense of accomplishment that I enjoyed, or the results from all the weeks and months of hard work and practice dedicated to just a few nights of performance. Or, perhaps it was just the lifestyle and the glamour of it all that I enjoyed.

Anyway, I had a long discussion with the Rabbi here in Beijing about the topic of operas, and while I did not let on that I was talking about myself, he told me that operas, especially with women singing in them are completely asur (forbidden) and are not halachically (according to Jewish Law) permissible. As far as I understood, the main issue to me going back to singing in the opera is kol isha (listening to a woman's singing voice). As clearly as I can explain it, G-d set up the world in a way that a woman's voice was naturally meant to arouse a man on many levels. This would be permissible [at times] if a man was with his wife, but otherwise, a man should not listen to the signing voice of other women. My natural reaction to the conversation was "come on Rabbi, do you really expect me to get aroused when I hear a woman's voice?" and the answer as far as I understand it was yes -- a woman's singing voice is meant to have the affect of arousing the male's senses.

I would compare this explanation to the prohibition against touching women, an activity I also don't partake in, although I often wondered why the no-touch policy between men and women had to be so strict after a certain age. My personal feeling is that a person should be able to control himself and separate intimacy from something as simple as a handshake with a member of the opposite sex. However the point that I feel I overlooked is that the nature of a touch between a man and a woman is meant to be intimate. It is a special, sacred thing that should be shared only between a husband and wife, and not cheapened by sharing touch with every person of the opposite sex who holds out their hand to shake yours. While on the one hand a person who shakes the hand of a member of the opposite sex and remains unattracted and unaffected may be described as being controlled, from this explanation, it is my understanding that if this person requires little effort to restrain himself from feeling anything, then this person's senses have been dulled as have been so many other peoples' senses who have cheapened themselves and allowed themselves to touch and to be touched by anyone. Free love isn't so free when you lose the sensation and the pleasure that is supposed to come along with love. Think about it.

This same argument applies to the prohibition against listening to a woman's singing voice. It is meant by its nature to have an affect on a man. For that reason, it is kodosh (holy), which can explain why within Judaism it has been sanctified and separated from the regular and the mundane to be something special. Therefore, for that reason, it is assur (forbidden) for a man to listen to a woman's voice, just as it is forbidden for a man to gaze at a woman's beauty or for a man to touch a woman when they are not married.

For that sad reason, I feel that I have the duty to abstain from pursuing this line of planning my fantasy of somehow and someday returning to the opera scene. This is not the kind of place a frum person should be, unless I learn otherwise. So this desire within me will have to find another way to manifest itself, because this way has seemingly come into contact with G-d's law.

Better to Speak or to Act?

I often wonder which is more useful - someone who can do but can not speak, or someone who can speak, but can not do.

I am sitting on a bench under a staircase and I am feeling lonely because I have nobody to talk to. This is a very dark experience, and I am beginning to think that I made a big mistake by coming to China. I am lonely to start with. Take away my friends, my family, my familiar surroundings, my free time, my privacy and my food, and you will leave me a very unhappy camper. I thought this trip would be exciting, but it is highly lonely and boring. I don't find my classes interesting, and I spend more nervous energy trying to wait for the professor to spit out the thought than I do actually learning the material. Today I started zoning out which indicates to me that I am not holding in a good place.

Could this program be one of those many one-time sacrifices I have endured throughout my lifetime, law school being another one of them? I desire more than anything to find one activity I enjoy doing and then to do it very well.

Maybe it is for that reason that I value doing more than speaking. Speaking often involves a myriad range of topics. Doing can be repeated until perfection is reached. I am feeling right now that I find value in this.

However, doing often requires practice and rote, while speaking often requires thought. Should one sacrifice one given talent to develop another? This would be my dilemma because I have been given the gift of deep thought. My thinking practice is not swift and flighty like a bird, but rather, it is slow and momentous like a tank with all its power.

I wouldn't even know how my acting or singing skills are, because I have not exploited them to the best of their use in many years. But even with this dormancy, they have come to the surface in a myriad of ways, nudging me and telling me that I should be using them. I thought maybe using them to develop cantorial skills might have been the answer, but this is, if anything, not even a piece of it. What is this drive of mine? Why does it come out so fervently every time I see someone perform? How do I act on this and not throw away every other part of my life that I have carefully crafted and built? This is the question that will haunt me until I stumble until the answer.

Added 12:31 pm - I guess I wigged out after writing this because I just left class. I couldn't be in that classroom anymore. I'll consolidate and get myself together over the weekend. Next week will be better.

Returning To The Metropolitan Opera

My goal in life certainly is not fame nor recognition in the eyes of the other, although it is foreseeable that from the talents I have been given, fame could come easily -- this is certainly not the focus. (I stress this is an endowment, not a personal achievement that could be credited to me). However, what is most important is living one’s life at the top or above the threshold of what was made available to a person by their Creator; I often ask myself whether we have a duty to use these talents for the benefit of others. For some time I have thought the answer was no, but I am no longer so sure.

The passionate quality of life and woman I believe would come from living a life such as I saw last night in the Phantom of the Opera and in my childhood experiences at the MET could only come when someone is living a life that encompasses those activities that would create that kind of experience. I am doubting whether there is such a disconnect between the existence of a religious girl and the theater opera house experience, and I am starting to believe that the two can co-exist.

I have recalled the name of my former mentor from my opera days and I have looked her up online and to my surprise, she is still alive! Now, 18 years later, she is still holding auditions for the children’s chorus. I have written down her information, and it is my intent that when I return to the United States, I will at least call and explore the opportunities of being part of the adult cast at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. I should think that my childhood connections could grant me access into this mysterious forgotten world from my childhood past of opera and music.

Phantom of the Opera

I was just watching the Phantom of the Opera starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. What struck me emotionally was how I was able to see Christine's shallow breathing when she was alone with the Phantom in his dungeon, and I could feel her arousal as she and the Phantom touched. When he touched her, her eyes went up in her head, and I could almost feel her heart beat. I would like to say that I was even able to imagine the smell of her arousal while still keeping a romantic aura to my words.

I couldn't help but to wonder whether I identified with the Phantom or with Raul, and while in my past the answer certainly would have been the Phantom, I can not say that to the exclusion of identifying with Raul.

Emotionally reflecting, there are limitations that I feel have come into my life where I wonder whether they are self-imposed or externally imposed. We know I am talking about religion. Further, I wonder if they are actual limitations or merely perceived limitations. I must always think of this and question, namely, whether religion has brought me forward or backwards. I've been working so hard to find my path within the range of permissible opportunities that I never considered that looking outside the box might shed light on the answer.

I haven't been a musical performer in many years. Yet when I was a child, I used to sing at the Metropolitan Opera, the New York City Opera, and at Columbia University, among many other places. Yes, now you know that my childhood took place in New York. I was also good, and I held lead roles in various operas and shows. I once made the front cover of the New York Times for one of the operas I held the lead role in. I bet you didn't know that about my past. So you can understand how I always had a deep connection to the musical Phantom of the Opera.

It was also the night I saw the Phantom of the Opera musical that I had my first heart break in college. I realized that night that the girl I was infatuated with wouldn't stand by my side when things got tough. Leaving the musical, the transmission in my car stopped functioning, and upon getting stuck on the bridge, she hopped a taxi and left me there with my car and my broken heart. It was a sign for many more things to come.

I suppose all I want is for someone to love me who I can love. Yet sometimes I wonder whether I will find this ploughing through the drudge path that I have been walking. I feel that I need to be somewhere else to find this love, that I need to be someone else. Just who, I have not yet figured out.

Day 8 - Proxy Access To Blog Established

I’ve been having the darnedest time trying to get on line to read and write blogs. It wasn’t until today that I found out that the government blocks blogging altogether as an evil. As far as I understand it, you can get in trouble here if you speak out against the government or any of its factions because there is a concept of reputation – not necessarily of a person, but reputation of the government – that must be preserved at all costs. So, I used an anonymous proxy router to route my web browsing outside of China, and from the foreign country, I was able to access my blog so here I am! You’re technically allowed to post, but reading blogs is blocked. I must stress that it is blocked – that does not mean that it is illegal.



We are learning at Tsinghua University's College of Law (photo above). In classes, we are learning about Chinese intellectual property at a very fast rate. I think the program has done a wonderful job at allocating the burden of us pre-reading the class materials and the professors lecturing on the materials with the presumption that we have acclimated ourselves to the materials before we step into class. I could go into details about the class, but it’s not quite the kind of topic I’d enjoy writing about. I like to keep my law life separate from my real life. Why? Because I feel that people spend too much time putting their energy and identity into what they do for a living. i.e. I am a [fill in the blank] (a lawyer, an architect, a banker, a doctor, etc.) Do you define yourself by what you do for a living? To me that seems lame.

Anyway, lots of things have happened since I got to China, so I’ll separate them into various blog entries by date. So read below to the earlier blogs… I’ll re-create them now.

Please Stop the Snoring !!!

I know that I have always snored since I was a child. However, I must comment that I am thoroughly disgusted by the sound of someone snoring, and when they drool along with the snoring, I want to throw up.

It is such a terrible trait of mine that I am so critical towards people. I believe that any person who does not strive to be his or her personal best is worthless in my eyes. When I see a person who is overweight, or slothful, or lazy, I get this nasty nauseas feeling in the pit of my stomach and I want to vomit from the disgust I feel.

I must comment that I hold myself to even higher standards than I hold other people to. I am far from close to being considered at my best, but if there were a range of activity where one could measure oneself as being unproductive or as being productive, I would measure myself as pretty high up on the productive side. I say this with the self-inflated thought that I am at this level even with the mood swings and the fuzziness that overcomes me every few days or every few weeks where for a few hours at a time I turn into a space cadet.

Even further, I must confess that even though I have my headphones on as high as they will go blasting music from the Matrix, I still feel my roommate’s low-pitched vibrato snoring in the center of my chest and it bothers me just as much as would a high frequency-pitched radiation that would come from a television. If I don’t pass out from the experience, I will finish these blogs as quickly as I can and I will leave the room because I cannot stay here much longer or else I will go insane.

Black-Market Taxi Ride

I took a taxi to my hotel from the Rabbi’s house. I have a little red piece of paper with instruction to the cab driver in Chinese telling him what hotel I was staying at, and where it was. Minutes after I got into the cab, I knew that I was in trouble.

I read in the Frommer’s guidebook to Beijing that cab drivers are required by law to keep their meters in clear sight of the passenger. Also, they are also required to prominently display their licenses. A minute after getting into the cab after a day of feeling weak and ill, the taxi driver stopped the car, turned to me, and spoke to me in Chinese. I could see in his eyes that he was dishonest. Without thinking, I said to him “wa boh huey shwa Poh Tong Wa,” which means “I don’t speak Mandarin”. I was thinking that I should have kept my mouth shut.

He resumed driving and immediately upon looking, I saw that his meter was on the floor and the numbers were partially covered by a cloth, which meant that this driver was dishonest. I looked at the dashboard and I noticed that there was no license displayed, and I realized that I was in a black-market taxi cab. These cabs are driven by unlicensed drivers, and are known for cheating customers from driving around in circles and taking the most expensive route, the Fourth Ring Road, the largest road which circled the city of Beijing and racked up the mileage so they could charge more.

Knowing that I was about to be cheated, I could do nothing except pray that it wouldn’t be by too much, and that I would be safe. I chuckled to myself when I saw him turn off of the highway and exit onto the Fourth Ring Road. “Here we go, I'm about to be taken for a ride. It’s only money,” I thought. I was happy when I got back to the hotel in one piece.

Day 6 - Blessing the Congregation

I spent most of Tuesday on either the floor of a bathroom looking up at the ceiling, or in a bed. I woke up in the morning feeling my stomach bubbling, and I was trying to figure out why. Whether it was overwhelming amount of delicious dairy food from Shavuous or because I woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally got a drink of water from the sink forgetting that I was in China, nevertheless, I woke up as ill as I can imagine ever being.

The thing that got me out of bed was my discussion with the Rabbi in the morning when he told me that I didn’t have to get out of bed for davening (praying) if I felt as ill as I did. The thought that occupied my mind was that if we had a minyan (quorum), then I would be permitted to do the mitzvah (commandment) of duchaning (blessing the congregation). This is a birthright of mine, as I have been born into the priesthood as being a Cohen, the son of Aaron. As such, on high holidays, ritualistically, we bless the congregation.

I personally didn’t have the need or the desire to do the mitzvah, but I knew that without me, the congregation could not be blessed because I was the only individual in the congregation that was a Cohen. The problem is that in order to be eligible to go up and bless the congregation, I read in the Kitzur Shulchan Auruch (Abridged Jewish Code) that the Cohen had to daven the Shema and the Amidah with the congregation in order to later bless the congregation during Mussaf. However, I could barely stand because I was sick from Chinese food or water poisoning.

I managed to pull myself out of bed and when I tried to throw up, nothing came out except for pieces of vegetables from the night before. I started to daven, and when it came time for the repetition for the Amidah, we didn’t have a minyan (quorum) so the Rabbi decided to walk to the Israeli Consulate to get a 10th guy. I figured since it was close to 92 degrees outside, if I walked with him, I would sweat out whatever it was that was ailing me.

We got our tenth guy, and an eleventh. The problem was that as soon as I walked inside, I needed to drink a coke or I would pass out because I started dripping sweat profusely as soon as I got inside. Even after drinking the coke, I was still not feeling good – I was dizzy by this point. We said the Torah portion, and when it came time to do Mussaf, I stood with the congregation and I prayed everything I was supposed to.

While the congregation davened Yizkor in remembrance of souls who have departed, instead of going outside, I went into the bathroom to try to vomit, but nothing would come out. I sat on the cold floor and thought that I would not be able to duchen. When everyone came back into the shul, I joined them and davened Mussaf. I was standing two feet in front of the Aron HaKodesh (where they keep the Torah) and at chazaras ha’shaatz (the repetition of the Amidah prayer), as soon as we started to say "Kadosh Kadosh Kadosh," vomit lurched from my innards and I almost shot vomit out at the Aron. Knowing that even though I was standing in front of G-d, I grabbed my mouth and ran across the women’s section into the bathroom and literally a gallon or so of vomit escaped from my body. I couldn’t believe that much was inside of me.

I was looking into the mirror and twirling my pointing finger inside sink (now filled with vomit) with the water running trying to hasten the vomit going down the drain. I thought to myself, "This is it. With all my efforts to fulfill my role as a Cohen, I have lost the chance and I have let down the congregation." I was no longer going to bless the congregation because I thought there would be no time to clean myself up, get better, and to take off my shoes and approach the area from where I would duchen.

Surprisingly enough, I remembered something my Rabbi told me once, namely that a person is given the power to act according to what he is. "I am a Cohen," I thought. "It is my identity to bless the congregation. This was a duty that has been handed down to me from G-d. If I am truly a Cohen, then I should get the strength to do this because this is who I am; this is my nature."

Immediately all feelings of illness subsided, and I felt shockingly fine. I washed the vomit off of my beard, cleaned myself off, and took off my shoes. As I exited the bathroom, I instructed one of the women not to let anyone go into the bathroom or the smell of vomit might knock them out.

I put on a Talis (a prayer shawl), approached the front of the congregation, and I signaled to the Rabbi that I was ready to go. I was surprised how good everything felt and how clear my voice was as I duchened. It sounded almost magical, even to me. I did the whole thing, finished the davening, and put my shoes back on.

As soon as the service was over, I immediately felt sick and weak again. I forced myself to say Kiddush (blessing over wine) and to have some food, and I went upstairs to take a shower. After laying on the bathroom floor and looking up at the ceiling again for around twenty minutes feeling ill, I managed to force myself to get into the shower. Afterwards, I spent some time with the Rabbi’s children whereas one read me a story, and then I went downstairs to sleep until after nightfall.

Avoiding feeling excitement that I did the mitzvah of duchening, I was more happy that the congregation got blessed. I rehearsed the events of the day in my head a few more times, and I could not help but to feel in awe of the experience of getting well just in time to bless the congregation.

Day 4 - Meeting American "Ex-Patriots"

This next post will be difficult to create because there were so many days and so many experiences that encompassed this entry. After arriving in China on Thursday evening, the next day I took a trip to the local Rabbi for Shabbos and Shavuous.

When I entered the office, there was a guy working on printing a brochure for the upcoming holiday. I was surprised to hear him refer to himself as an “ex-pat,” slang for an ex-patriot, or one whose family is an a citizen of one country, but who works, lives, and who raises his family in another country. China is full of these kinds of families, as it has been explained to me. The children of these families grow up speaking multiple languages. The teenager I was speaking to spoke Chinese and English, and I thought it was very cute that the Rabbi’s youngest daughter spoke Yiddish, Chinese, Hebrew, and English as her first language.

I found it mesmerizing how most of these people came to China after college or law school because they enjoyed the culture, specifically how China is so much more value-oriented than the high-powered rat-race you’ll find in the United States. I made many connections with many attorneys who were practicing international IP law in China. It seems like I am in the right field.

An interesting occurrence was that at one of the dinners, one of the many guests (there were over sixty) was speaking to this guy from the office. He cracked a joke which in my opinion had truth to it. This guy was “the Napster” kind of techie that you would find in the modern-day computer-hacker kind of movies. He said, “I’m going to go for my MBA in the fall, then I will ask you for a job.” The funny truth to that statement is that the fathers of these ex-pats are the CFO’s and high powered executives of the international branches of companies such as IBM, Intel, and Microsoft. It makes sense that the education and upbringing of these children would naturally lead them to themselves be the next generation of executives. This is the life that they live. I found this to be fascinating.

China, Beijing, Day 1.

Dear Diary,

I made it to China last night. I am staying in Beijing for a five-week law program. I will be learning Chinese Intellectual Property and Patent Law. This is very exciting for me because this will be my first break from the past two years of generic law classes, and this will be my first chance to specialize in a developing niche field so that I won't be just another patent attorney.

The morning before I left to the airport, and all through the airplane ride, I was listening to a Pimsleur crash course in Mandarin. Also, I purchased a phonetics course which gave me many nouns [and their word associations so that I can memorize them easily (just my style)] to build my Chinese vocabulary. Although this phonetics course is fun for me, I knew that having a grasp of only nouns would only get me so far. This is why my focus is on the sentance structure and conversational Mandarin as taught by Pimsleur; I feel that this is the key to developing a foundation in, and actually speaking, Mandarin.

I had a scare, however. After many hours of learning, I decided to try out my Mandarin on a Chinese couple sitting next to me. The problem was that after all my effort, they didn't understand a word I was saying. However, I was very confident in what I learned, and I was sure that I heard and replicated the words properly; it occurred to me to ask them if they speak Mandarin; to my relief and disappointment, they said they didn’t speak Mandarin -- they spoke some other Asian language which sounded to me to be Cantonese. Just my luck. So I spent the next few hours learning words and trying them on people around the plane. The stewardesses thought it was cute that I was learning their language. They helped me out with the pronunciations when I got them wrong.

The arrival to China was very quick and the plane ride was surprisingly short. China Air had kosher food for me prepared, and the meals were delicious. One confusion I had was that we were supposed to count the Omer (a Torah commandment) at night. However, the problem was that it seemed like it was never night no matter where and when we were. I couldn't understand it because my rabbi and I figured it out beforehand that I would count the 46th day of the Omer on the plane at night, and then I would count the 47th day of the Omer after nightfall when I arrived in China. Problem! It was never night time on the plane! The sun was with us the whole time, as we flew west instead of east as planned.

Upon landing in Beijing, I had learned enough Mandarin to convince someone who was Chinese to speak to me in English. I also knew how to talk about talking the language and to discuss where I am from and how proficient or how terrible I was at speaking the language. I changed my currency at the airport, and I found a taxi which brought me to my hotel. Prior to my trip, I had prepared for me in written Mandarin the name of the hotel that I was staying at, and the directions to the hotel. All I did when I entered the taxi was give him this pre-printed card and everything else was smooth sailing. I've never experienced anything so easy.

One thing that was so interesting was my discussion with the taxi driver on the way to the hotel. He was asking me questions and as best I could, I was trying to answer them. When he asked me what I do for work, however, I tried to explain to him that I was studying to become a lawyer. But when he didn't understand me, I figured I'll have fun and I’ll make things up based on the words I learned on the plane. I told him among other things that I was a doctor. I felt so excited with this newfound ability to make up a new identity because 1) he'd never know the difference, 2) I gave him an answer to his question, 3) I was actually speaking with him in Mandarin, and 4) it was just chit chat that was never going to lead anywhere, so no harm done.

While in the taxi, I looked out the window (chu’ang) and I saw how everything was in Chinese neon letters, and I understood none of it except for the Honda dealership and the various companies that also had their Company names in English. As I was looking around, I realized that I was not in Kansas any more. I felt like James Bond, a spy in a foreign country. I saw police officers, and I visualized myself eluding them while they fired loaded weapons at me. I am so excited to be here!

One thing that spooked me a bit -- at the airport, already someone wanted to cheat me by having me step off the taxi line and go with him in his car. A rabbi stopped him and told me not to go with anyone except for those cars on the taxi line that the police guards instruct me to get in to. Yes, the first person I accidentally bumped into when I got to Beijing was the rabbi I will be staying at tonight for Shabbos and Shavuous (a Jewish festival).

A few minutes later, a few police officers surrounded me with concern and stood behind me and started pointing to something on my back. I thought it was the tzitzis (the fringes that came out from my shirt). When I asked if the tzitzis were what they were talking about, they got serious and put my right hand behind my back. I was certain I was about to be arrested for something. When they moved my hand over the back of my shirt, I felt something wet. I looked at my hands, and they looked all bloody. When I smelled them, I realized that it was ketchup. How I got ketchup on my back I have no idea, but I'll take that any day rather than getting arrested in a foreign communist government. They are still communist, no? Anyway, they got me napkins and cleaned me up, and I got into the taxi to head to the hotel.

I spent most of this morning setting up the computer, writing people e-mails, playing with the television (I've never seen anything so boring as the channels they have here), and unpacking. I also unpacked my portable steamer and so I spent around two hours ironing my suits and my shirts that were creased during the flight. The only thing is that the little portable steamer kept running out of water. I've been promising myself a shower since I got here, but I've been too busy just getting things ready for Shabbos (the Sabbath), which means that I need to leave to the rabbi's house in four hours.

During these next few hours, I will shower, I will pack my weekend bag, and I will try to get as much of the paper done as I can. I fear that it will be due any day now. Lastly, the sink water is supposedly poison, so we are supposed to buy bottled water. I found a Brita water boiler to make tea; it had a note on it “for boiling water for drinking only”. I hope this should be enough to boil out the bad stuff. With this, I am drinking Jasmine tea which tastes to me to be more like perfume than a tea, but nevertheless, it is a kosher and I am thirsty like you cannot imagine.

Have a wonderful Shabbos, and a chag sameach. May you mekabel the Torah b’simcha u’b’pnimius.

Emphasizing Empiricism in Analysis of Phenomena

[This is a reply to a comment made to the previous journal entry entitled "Why natural is not necessarily good". It is suggested that if the contents of this message are not understandable, please go back and read the previous article, its comments and then come back and read this response.]

Rowan,

I'll give you two answers to your comment. I believe that there are a myriad amount of "spiritual" experiences one can have, and that sometimes it is a bad idea to link it to a fad with a name on it. Astral travel, remote viewing, ESP, telepathy, hypnosis, etc. are all topics which I am cautious around because they have gotten intertwined and tainted by hokey new-age false enlightenment undertones with preachers and weird people talking about and boasting experiences they probably did not have. However, with your experience of not being able to breath and feeling that you went to far out, I do believe that you experienced what you describe, and my opinion upfront is that instead of stopping, your fearful experience could have been an obstacle in the path of your growth, and you should work through it and break past it instead of stopping and talking about a mystical experience you once had. If what you say is true and you were able to get that far, then stopping there was a waste of the experience and you have a duty to see how far you can grow and to see how far you can push the limits of your experience.

As for the fear of going too far, you seldom hear of people dying because they had a good meditative experience. Plus, injecting a bit of chassidus (Jewish mysticism) into our conversation, your animal soul is too attached to life and the physical world to let you go too far out and if you achieved that kind of level where you did not stop where you should, your animal soul would quickly pull you back to reality because it desires and is attached to the pleasures of the physical world as if it were addicted to cocaine.

Regarding the cloud busting, the telepathy attempts from past journal entries, and the other things that I explore despite the fear of sounding like a flake, as religious and as in touch with spirituality as I am, I believe that there are myriad amounts of experiences that one can have, and when playing with these forces [if I were to play with these forces], I would try to keep spirituality and non-empirical explanations out of the picture while trying to understand what is the real, physical mechanism underlying the experience.

I don't like the fact that I am able to do what I have done with clouds, or the fact that the girl with whom I went on a shidduch date was able to repeat back to me my thoughts during that first time I tried to make mental contact. These things make me uncomfortable because I do not understand them and I do not necessarily believe in them. Further, I do not believe that it is useful to play around with these experiences unless one can check or measure his or her results against some tangible result. This is why I videotaped the cloud experience on the five separate occasions and it is why I demonstrated in confidentiality the cloud-busting act in front of various people at different times and under varying circumstances to make sure they were all seeing the same thing that I was. That way, I would not fool myself into imagining that I have special powers that I really do not have.

In the previous post, the analysis of the morality of busting a cloud (if it is indeed real because after all the recordings, I remain skeptical until I can find an answer and I am not convinced that this is a spiritual feat of holiness because of my impure state) and the potential religious ramifications of controlling angelic forces and entities were simply discussed for the sake of expounding the concept that just because something is natural does not make it free game to use and abuse, even if it is for moral purposes. I analyzed this from three levels -- the practical, the moral, and the religious. To allay your concern that I would go into a snowball effect analysis, in playing with this sort of thing, I would first learn what I am doing and I would find a real explanation that could be tested and repeated by someone else to validate that it is actually real, then I would wonder about the moral ramifications, and then I would finish the mental checklist to see if there might be religious ramifications for those acts, such as those comprising the discussion about killing angels and messing with their instructions. However, this talk of angels and kabbalah is a far cry from Jewish law, and would ordinarily not even enter my thoughts because I am not at the level where I can understand those kinds of teachings and thus I would rely on the halachas (Jewish laws) that have been handed down to us from generation to generation from the time where the Torah was given at Mount Sinai until today. These laws have not changed, and the commandments today are exactly the same as they were back then.

A slight note of caution; Rowan, I wouldn't want you to try it and fail, and then to come up with the conclusion that you don't have "the power", because the point that I have been stressing all along is that I believe that this is NOT a power one has, but rather, it is a relationship between you and the reality that is already here -- a muscle that is developed, if you will -- that can be scientifically analyzed and figured out using laws of nature that may or may not yet be discovered. Under this same logic, I cower at the thought that I am somehow special or gifted with some spiritual talent that other people do not have because that would imply that I had a responsibility and a duty to use or to abstain from using that talent until the fated time approached. I don't like the idea of this kind of responsibility and I wouldn't want it.

In your discussion about G-d, the sanctuary, and the ant farm, the facts you described do lend themselves to the thought that it is not always the nature of the object that is important, but rather how one uses the object (the action coupled with the intention of the actor) that elevates it to holiness or that dumps it into the depths of impurity. You are discussing what is commonly referred to as klipahs nogah (literally, neutral impurity) which is a concept in Chassidus.

Also, to prevent you from diminishing your own religious quality of life and your connection with your Creator, be careful about what you attribute to "He" (being G-d), versus what you attribute to the "they" (being organized society, its institutions, and dogma). [If you are an athiest, then feel free to supplement "G-d" for "nature" or "science" although a thoughtful person usually does not hold this kind of belief; even the nobel prized physicist who founded the Big Bang Theory mentioned in his studies that as some point before the bang, someone had to turn on the lights and flip the switch.] It is sometimes too easy to throw the good away with the bad because one misinterprets a commandment by G-d as being a constraint instituted by the "they" in power, rather than by "He". What "He" decrees is sacred and must be followed at all costs, even if one's life depended on it. The trick in life, especially with organized religions branching off from each other and forming their own man-made, priest-enforced belief systems, is for each person involved in the mud of varying beliefs to sift through the dogma and the controls to reveal the G-dliness within the seas of misinformation and controls that are preached to the masses.

I hope that I have not stepped on you in any way by expressing my understanding of these events, and I want to posit my suspicion that these things are not magical, but rather, they are undiscovered physical phenomena. We are blessed with a world that acts upon laws of nature and rules. Every morning when I wake up, I thank G-d for returning my soul to my body, and I say a blessing thanking G-d for spreading the land above the waters so that I have a floor under my feet, among other things.

We as human beings have been placed in the lowest, most physical of all the spiritual words in existence. In our world, even spiritual concepts such as chesed (love) and gevurah (strength) [or expansion and constriction] find their way into the sweet taste of a grain of sugar or a spicy and sharp taste of a hot pepper. This is the greatest benefit to us living in this lowest world, namely that things manifest themselves as physical entities, processes and mechanisms. For this reason, when I see a cloud disappear because I will it, I smile because deep inside I understand that there must be a tangible reason and a process for it. This is both the blessing and the curse of science –- it detracts from the spiritual by explaining the physical manifestations of the spiritual. Unfortunately, if one only looks at the physical, he misses the bigger picture and places himself within a box ruled by morality, ethics, and "do onto others" theories. This would indeed be a lonely, meaningless existence.

Why natural is not necessarily good.

Rowan and Lisa,

Your comments inspired me to expound on a few thoughts discussing the reasons why it might not be proper to play with cloud formations, even if that skill has been made available to me and I hope to people in general. I would hate to have an ability that I didn't know how to use -- that would mess with my head on many levels. I hold the belief that anything that I experience, you too can experience because there is something objective out there that we as human beings can touch, namely the physical world. This world has rules of nature, and if one person has found a way to bend them, then others can too.

The messianic concept of "the One", depicted in modern cinematics as the character of "Neo" from The Matrix makes sense to me. However, because of all of the hypocracy and controversy around who is the messiah, and who can be the messiah, and the religious battles and politics involved between the various sects, other than learning the basics, I have left the worrying about the details of those teachings to someone else who actually gives a damn. As far as I am concerned, when the messiah comes, we'll know it, [it will be on CNN,] and I will follow whoever he or she turns out to be to fulfill G-d's destiny. [My apologies for stepping on your beliefs if some of you feel he has already come; so in reading this, please feel free to adjust my words of the coming of the messiah to the second coming to fit your beliefs, however it is not relevant to this post.] As we do get closer to the times of Moshiach (Hebrew for the messiah), I do believe that goodness and spirituality will become more revealed and more powerful in our physical world, and similarly to keep the balance, evil will also become more powerful and the pulls toward evil will become more attractive to us than good.

With regard to busting clouds and its ramifications, I also have the belief that people as a whole can evolve to understand how to interact more intimately with their surroundings. I believe in a messiah that will usher us into the next level of existence where spirituality is revealed to us and we are no longer in a state of exile from G-d. However, I fiercely do not believe that the messiah could be an ordinary sinner like me who goes around busting clouds as if he were popping balloons and denying G-ds truth by feeling depressed [a clear testimony that on some level, I don't believe that G-d's will is the way I would have done it,] and as far as I know, only a holy person or a messiah can alter physicality, and that person is not me. Therefore, I conclude that there must be a scientific explanation that is accessible to everybody because I am certainly nobody special. Trust me on this one.

In your comments to the post on melting clouds, it seems that both of you are saying that if it can be done, and it is natural, then it must be a good thing. Immediately I know that you sense that the logic in this statement is flawed.

Just because something is available to one's use does not make it proper to use it. For example, I know where I can get drugs and where I can find a prostitute. Sex and pleasure are natural things, just as it would be natural to act on a physical attraction between two people, even if one or both of them married to someone else.

Morality, based on logic and reason, tells us whether something is good or not, specifically based on the focus of whether we hurt other people or ourselves in the act. Morally, acting on a physical desire when one is married and arguably before one is married harms the relationship between the husband and wife, and just as taking cocaine would be immoral because it harms the individual, logically there can be nothing harmful about breaking apart a cloud if it is possible.

But what if when we act, we send out a signal for other beings and non-physical entities to perceive and to somehow attach to our acts and influence our world or to do damage to our souls by the fact that we opened ourselves up by doing this arguably supernatural act?

We don't know for sure about *anything* that goes on outside the boundaries of physicality, and thus we do not know the effects of our actions on other levels. For example, I remember reading once in passing in some kabbalistic teaching that behind every cloud, there is an angel that was sent by our Creator with a purpose. Obviously not knowing what that means, it is highly possible that if that is literally true (which it might be), it could be possible that we are killing an angel each time we dissolve a cloud.

How? Some people have the source of their souls from various worlds, and as it is explained in kabbalah, those whose souls are from higher worlds are given the obedience and the respect from those entities that have the source of their souls in lower worlds. Therefore, one who's soul has its source in the world of Beriah can control angels, who have their source in the lower world of Yetzirah. [Don't worry about the names or the higherarchy, just follow the logic.] So hypothetically if we do kill an angel by dissolving its cloud, or even if we change or interfere with its mission by taking over the movement of the cloud, don't you think that the angel might get upset if it had the capability to get upset? Further, if there is truth to this statement, don't you think by interfering with the natural course of the universe you might upset the entity (G-d or otherwise) that sent that angel to do that specific task?

You could say that you don't believe in angels, but then under that logic, you wouldn't believe that a person can influence the creation or the destruction of a cloud that is hundreds or thousands of feet away. Further, if there is some scientific explanation, such as (for example) what was posited by Alexander Lowen, M.D. (later accused of being a quack) in his book Bioenergetics as being some form of Argon energy, whatever that might be, and this connection can be established and scientifically proven, then it could be reasonable to discount the fear of the spiritual, moral, or religious ramifications of one's act.

However, even though this whole scenario about the angels could have been fabricated, especially because I cannot remember where I read or heard it and I could have easily misunderstood something out of its context, nevertheless, if it were written about in kabbalah and the literal interpretation about the angels and the clouds are the proper interpretation, then from a religious point of view, this would need to be something that must be taken seriously.

Without going into reasons why scholarly writings are true because they follow a pre-ordained method and formula which determines how Torah may and may not be interpreted and expounded, nevertheless, as a Jew, we are supposed to take everything that was written seriously, even if it forces us to keep in mind that the world might have been created in seven literal days or that there was a man named Noah who built an ark and that there was a great flood where it rained for forty days, and that the world is really only 5765 years old as opposed to science's claim that it is millions of years old. These are all things that a person who believes in the truth of G-d, the Torah (the Five Books of Moses) and the Prophets must take seriously.

For that reason, because something is natural or because it can be done without exerting unusual effort does not mean that it is moral or that it is the proper way to act, especially if there is a religious prohibition placed on top of that act. These are the thoughts I keep in my mind when I act, because I believe that these thoughts on many levels reflect humanity's understanding of truth. Through my weaknesses and the pull of my desires to break religious and sometimes moral and often legal law (i.e. watch me at a red light on a deserted road at 2 a.m.), I hope that one day I will have the strength to follow these laws without an internal war and without conflicting desires to do wrong to myself, to my soul, and to others.

Father: "You're going to China?"

I so do not like my father right now. He came home and asked me to do some legal work for him as if I were his personal attorney. Here I am, I have not showered since Friday, I am malnourished because there is no food in the house, I am stressed out because my law paper is due and it is not yet finished, I have been up all night for two nights in a row, and I have not even started to prepare for China. As for the trip, I didn't learn Mandarin like I planned to, and I do not know what I need to bring with me. I am not yet packed; I don't even yet own luggage.

I got upset at my father and I said "do I look ready to go to China tomorrow?" He said, "You're going to China?" He didn't even know I was leaving, let alone this week, and we spoke about this many times but it seems that he does not listen to anything we talk about. It is times like this that I feel so distant from him that instead of enduring another meaningless violation of a hello kiss on the cheek from him, I would rather punch him out and leave this G-d forsaken life.

Connected One Level Deeper

Comment Added 7:15pm: I don't feel that I said anything of value in this blog entry. I discussed the shortcomings of religion when it comes to actual spiritual practices that are not centered around service of G-d. I also discussed my desire to figure out the mechanism of the cloud-dissolving skill I learned before I went to Rabbincal School, but nobody could ever explain to me why it worked. This article contains a reasoning why magic no longer exists in today's world from a historical point of view.
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It is interesting that you have been with me since late February. You have shared my stories and my experiences as if you were peering into someone's life through the LCD screen of your monitor. I am a living, breathing person. I wake up every morning, just as you do. What I have told you is real -- sometimes too real. Some of you have figured out a little more than I would have liked to let on, but it is good that you still would not be able to point me out in a crowd, nor would you be able to find out who I am by searching on google.com or any other search engine. It is with my most sincere desire to stay anonymous that I have shared my secrets with you. In fact, I am thinking of taking you in a little deeper.

As full of experiences my life is, inside I feel that my life is hollow and empty; I am a reflection of my decisions, my surroundings, and the many movies that I have seen. I can see the same movie one-hundred times and still enjoy it as much as I did the first time. My memories are the building blocks of my personality, and I laugh at how fragile my personality is, meaning that I know that I can rip it down and build a new personality in minutes because I don't believe that either it or I am real. I am an actor in my life, and just as I can play the role of Zoe, I can pick up any other role with ease without a sweat.

It spooks me that I seem to have learned that there is a higher power than my mind. I used to believe in Leibnitz's philosophy, namely that each of us are G-ds of our existence, if we only learned how to control it. I firmly believed that one can disengage from existence and end up somewhere else as one disembarks from an airplane or a jet. I have experienced and video-tape recorded my proof that people and objects are connected in a physical way, meaning that one can influence the creation or de-creation of objects. However, I have only learned to control a destructive power over clouds, namely to choose a specific cloud and with my thoughts to re-shape, cut, or dissolve the cloud at will. The reason I became religious other than an ex-girlfriend who influenced me and introduced me to my Jewish roots was because I figured out how to manipulate clouds, and I wondered what else I can affect with my mind. I thought Judaism could teach me to harness this power and to develop and to channel it for good.

Instead, I have been met with resistance and with disbelief from my elders. It seems that they are not aware of how to work the connection I seek to expound, and it also seems that much in Judaism has been forgotten since the destruction of our Temple, the Beis HaMikdash that is still found in Jerusalem standing today. However, no Jew is permitted to enter into this Temple because we are in a state of exile from our Creator and from our birthright. There are stories about how (possibly hundreds of) years ago, holy people were able to do things such as I have described. However, there is a big rule in Judaism not to practice magic or sorcery, and the rabbis that I have discussed this topic about the clouds think [but are not sure] that perhaps I am tapping into powers of sorcery or magic that is forbidden for a Jew.

The reasoning as I understand it is that we are not supposed to practice sorcery is that perhaps it is akin to worshiping foreign idols, namely one's self over G-d, and perhaps the Jew who can influence nature might be led down a path into avodah zorah (idol worship), which might lead him to associate with non-physical entities, angels, and demons (namely "shin-daleds") who are just aching to gain access to our realm of physicality. Up front, I must clarify that I am singling out Jews such as myself in this discussion because the restriction against sorcery does not apply to non-Jews; in fact, they are permitted to use sorcery and magic, just as they did in the times of the Pharaohs in ancient Egypt.

The only non-religious model that I have found that gives only a glimmer of an answer is the practice of Huna, a form of ancient Hawaiian mysticism. Their system and the explanation of the souls and how each one works is almost identical to the Jewish model of understanding the souls within a person. Additionally, the words they use for the practitioners of the arts, Kahuna, is the same word as the Hebrew and Aramaic form of the word "Cohen", or high priest. I secretly suspect that there is a connection between their form of Huna and the forms of mysticism and kabbalah that are forbidden, looked down upon, and not taught to Jews today.

The reasoning is simple. Jews are not in a state of purity such as we were in the times of the Temple; we do not offer sacrifices, and we are not given access to the various modes of purification that were made available to Jews in biblical times. I am specifically referring to the Parah Adumah (a.k.a. the red heifer) which was used ritually to purify people who came in contact with impurity. Furthermore, we live in a state of perpetual impurity, and so practicing kabbalah or any use of spiritual forces other than what has been instructed for our use in our prayer services (avodah) and in our Torah learning and the power in our saying Tehillim (psalms), anything outside of these practices can only do harm because our state of impurity would attract the wrong kinds of forces, and we would derive power from impure sources which is against G-d's will and can only cause literal harm to ourselves, and to others.

Lastly, it was known that only holy people could do these kinds of things I have described. However there is a problem here because I am far from holy. I am clearly a sinner, and as religious as I am, there is so much in practice and observance that I am lacking. Furthermore, my skill in reshaping and disintegrating small clouds at will has gotten significantly stronger since I have become religious. I don't know if it is a spiritual muscle, or if it is just something I've noticed that anyone can do; I am of the latter opinion, namely that anyone can do it if they want to. The point is that according to the rules, I should not be able to do what I believe I can do because I am not holy. It is possible that a truly evil person can have this kind of power too akin to the Star Wars model of understanding how to use the "force" -- see, movies can contribute to society's understanding of G-dliness -- however, I don't see myself as an evil person either because I am religious. I am somewhere in the middle, where I obey G-d's will as much as I can, but I also disobey it due to my own weakness.

Now I've taken you one step deeper into my world. Help me understand this connection and I will be forever grateful to you. I have taken video tape recordings of melting clouds, and I would be happy to e-mail to anyone upon request. I would be even willing to upload the files to an FTP site if someone can provide one. The only downside is that the 5 recordings are in .avi format and they are about 10 Megs each. It is important enough for me to understand this, and so I'd be willing to put out the effort to get them to you. Note that 1) the recordings took place in Israel last summer, and 2) I was working with small clouds only because at the time I wasn't strong enough to affect larger clouds.

[Instructions: To understand what I was doing or thinking, in my mind I chose a particular cloud to the exclusion of the other clouds around them, otherwise they all would have disappeared. I realize that this happens sometimes that when I'm trying to work with one cloud, I accidently nick the clouds surrounding them. I de-focus my eyes and I breathe deeply. With my right hand, I point at the cloud I want to disappear and I think about my intention. I feel that I am focusing on the cloud from my forehead and from my solar plexus. Then, the cloud just disappears.]

I'd be interested if you would be willing to take some of your time to try this (as silly as it sounds) and tell me what kind of results you got. I'd also like your explanation for this if you have one. I am sorry if all this comes off in your opinion as hokey or non-sense. I'm looking for an answer and how to use that answer -- it's not such a complex question.

Apologies for the Crude Dream, [infra].

My favorite line is from Spider Man 2, where Mary Jane says to Peter Parker at the end of the movie, "Isn't it time that someone saves your life?"


I've always felt like the guy in the background; the one that nobody sees. I'm the one that people do not worry about because I seem to have it all together. Maybe I do, maybe I always have. But when I get sick like I did a few days ago, nobody knew. My pain hides from the world, and it deceives people into thinking that I have no problems. But a person seemingly without problems is a person without chances to grow, and when problems introduce themselves to me, I am usually alone in a room with nobody to call out for help. The problems surround me and engulf me like a giant invisible silver-grey-blue slime that saps my energy and gives me reasons to cry.

I feel bad for my father, who while he is so close in proximity to me; he has no idea what is going on in my life. He can not relate to the things that go on in my head. I tell him, but he does not hear me. His self-centered world where he sees himself as the ultimate giver surrounds him and closes his ears to my words. When he walks into my room to watch me (his son) in awe and with love, my fuming slight of hand switches my screen from whatever I am reading at the time to something work-oriented. I do this because while I can and I DO work for hours or days at a time, he seems to have the convenient timing of walking in on me just at the moment I decided to take a needed break. I could work for days and he wouldn't notice it. I could stay up two or three nights in a row and he wouldn't notice it. He just walked into the room moments ago and stood in the doorway talking about the work he did for the day. When he asked me what I was working on and I replied "my paper," (the one that I have been stressing about and working on for almost a week now, he said "oh, you have a paper for school?" [As if he didn't know from the 1000 times I spoke about it to him.])

Then when I under-perform or when I receive bad news, his lips leak out some uneducated comment such as "well, you should have worked harder", or "maybe if you didn't slack off you would have done better" when he had no idea how many hours, days, or weeks I put into that particular project. He dishes out advice as if he is the wise one before he even hears the facts or knows what is going on. Upon him seeing that I was upset about last week's events, he said, "well, all women are meant to be fucked and then left." "Always remember the four F's: find her, feel her, fuck her, and then forget her." "You were wasting time in the hotel. You should have taken her upstairs." These are the pieces of wisdom that I hear from him. It so frequently surprises me how he is my father. When I snap at him or give him an attitude, I want to cry because I fear that I have hurt his feelings and that he is also alone in this world because his relationships are shallow and meaningless.

I had an interesting dream last night. This dream is graphic, crude, and it is not for the faint of hearts; I ask for your forgiveness in advance for the carnal nature of this dream, and for those of you of whom it would not be appropriate, please do not read on. I was a member of an elite skating team where we were pushed to the extreme to be the best skating team in existence. To perpetuate our unity, by some supernatural selection, each team member (myself included) was paired off as man and wife. We would dress in a white robe uniform, and when it came time for our turn to get married, we would be given a 3/4" brown member (almost like a sausage, wrapped in silver foil) that to me looked phallic. We were supposed to penetrate our designated wife with this phallic organ, and through this we would consecrate our lifelong connection. There was something special and highly spiritual in this connection, and I knew it. But when it came time for me to penetrate my wife to be, I looked at her face and I couldn't go through with it because I didn't have the courage or the faith. It was a big disappointment for everyone, and it was a severe rejection to the innocent girl who was chosen to be my wife. I felt so terrible for her, as if I failed her and the team and I wanted to cry. I roamed around for what could have been hours in my dream, and when I decided that I would marry, I was given the brown phallic member wrapped in silver foil, and when it came time to penetrate, it was a different woman this time around.

This dream was very crude; I apologize for writing it down. I woke up feeling that there was some kind of importance to this dream, and since it is almost 10:00 pm and I still remember the dream and the feelings in detail, I thought it would be important to write down. What I wanted most of all to savor was the feeling of specialness from the first match that I was not strong enough to connect to. This feeling left a mark on my heart that I have been thinking about all day.

Giving In

I'm not so spooked about the whole shidduch event anymore. This weekend I came to terms with the fact that what happened must have been for the best. I went through the variables in my head, and I did a little bit of arithmetic, and I realized that us continuing would probably have been a bad idea.

I'll list a few "red flags" that came to my mind, but keep in mind this is not at all meant to belittle her or to make her look bad. There are many things that people can enjoy, but when that preference or enjoyment turns into a make-or-break expectation on the other person, that can signal that there is a problem. Further, I was supposed to keep in mind that a shidduch date is meant to interview the other person objectively (if it is even possible after a while) without getting emotionally involved. Because I was not thinking clearly, I was giving in to issues some of which violated my value systems just to make peace between us. I even agreed to change my body structure to fit her ideal picture, to change my middle name, to discard my white shirts and to commit to wearing colored shirts, to commit to naming our first child my current middle name, and to go backwards on some steps I've taken in my religious growth.

Next, people are supposed to be well behaved on shidduchim; if one party gets physically angry at the other or has an emotional temper tantrum on the date, this is a bad sign because one should keep in mind that the real person's bad traits do not become revealed until after the wedding when the risk of breaking it off has disappeared.

Anyway, without saying too much, everything that I just mentioned excluding the secrets that I promised not to divulge have led me to believe that this was for the best. I still feel comfortable that I was willing to overlook all these things and that I was going to propose to her because I felt that she was a quality person; each one of these quirky attributes taken alone were not deal breakers. Now, with slightly clearer hindsight, I am sad that everything came to this, but I understand non-emotionally that this was the correct decision, even though it was fully out of my hands and I feel sad yet comforted that in spite of all of this, I ran after her and failed at my attempts to mend our connection. In the end, we had none. She remained adamant that she was not going to continue, and in her higher wisdom I am forced to trust her judgment. As she said in her previous e-mail, things were not what they appeared to be at face value.

There is one last piece of the puzzle that I am reluctant to speak about because some Orthodox Jews get offended by the importance Chassidim (Chassidic Jews) put in their Rebbe. (A Rebbe is a spiritual leader; the head of a Chassidic group of Jews [also known as an AdMoR (an acrostic for ''Ad[oneinu] Mo[reinu] R[abeinu]'', "[Our] Master, Teacher, Rabbi")]. [With my apologies in advance for the crude comparison, think of Yoda.] During a Rebbe's life, his followers sometimes are given the chance to go into yechidus (one-on-one conversations) with the Rebbe, where they get his advice on important matters.

In the Lubavich world, when couples used to get engaged, they would go to the Rebbe to ask for his blessing. Since he has passed away more than ten years ago, instead of going into yechidus with the Rebbe, Chassidim now pay their respects to his gravesite. Along with this, they say Tehillim (Psalms) and prior to entering the gravesite, they write a report which discusses the issues they would like to work out.

After a week of uncertainty where my shidduch date of (by then) many weeks (and over 80 hours of sit-down conversations, shidduch style,) she would not agree to get engaged until she told me her secret; she didn't feel comfortable moving forward with an engagement until she told me and saw my reaction to her secret so that I could prove to her that I had the capacity to support her the way that she needed to be supported. The difficult part was that she would not tell me her secret until she had the proper environment, and since she found problems with every place I chose that matched her criteria, I felt like I was jumping through hoops trying to find out what was stopping her.

I expressed my concern to my rabbi that we were going in circles and that I felt that the shidduch system was breaking down due to a lack of communication. I told my Rabbi that as I understood it, clarity and objectiveness were the hallmarks of the system, and I felt that those attributes were no longer present because after thirty hours of moving from one location to the next over a period of five days to fit her criteria of what environment she would require to feel comfortable to talk about her "secret", she still would not express to me what she was feeling.

My rabbi told me to have patience, but he also suggested that I see the Rebbe and that I write to him what is going on. Two days prior to her ending the shidduch, I visited the Rebbe to ask for some clarification on our situation, and to ask for a beracha (blessing) that I get eyes to see the truth to understand what is going on with the girl. I also wrote about our uncertainty in the letter, and I asked for the Rebbe's help so that the problems in this shidduch either resolve themselves quickly, or that the shidduch come to a quick ending if the match is not proper in G-d's eyes. If the shidduch was proper in G-d's eyes, I asked the Rebbe for a beracha (blessing) that we get engaged. While I am certainly not one to openly state that I received an answer from the Rebbe, I was actually hoping for the other answer, namely a beracha (blessing) for marriage. Fate has an interesting way of moving us in the right direction when we let our hearts blind our eyes from the truth.

So for now, I leave to China in three days. I will be spending the next few days in the books, writing a paper on recent law changes regarding patenting business models. Other than that, I will pack my books and I will prepare for the exciting five-week life-changing experience that is about to follow.

Angry

I've been trying really hard to break out of this sadness however I cannot get my mind to function clear enough to break through the fog. I am sincerely trying. The more I think about what happened the angrier I get and then I short circuit my anger to stay balanced which drains all the excess energy leaving my body feeling weak. I would so like to harness my anger and use it to do something, but on what would I release it? Instead, I am choosing the weaker route. I'd catch hold of this anger, but I am so tempted to do so that resisting and staying weak keeps me on the right side. I don't believe that there is real power in this anger, and I don't believe that I could control it if I embraced it. It will stay disconnected from me and like a flame that runs out of oxygen, so must it.

Lucid Dream about Real Life Circumstances

I sleep with a wireless headset over my ears so that I can listen to brainwaves and hypnotic suggestions while I sleep. Tonight I had a dream that I was walking through some town and I saw giant statues of nazis. I was a Chassidic Jew wearing my black hat and there were Jews all around me. I felt uncomfortable because I thought I was going to be arrested for my identity. I took off my hat, but then when I realized that it would make no difference, I put it back on.

The dream then shifted to a conversation I had with a girl from law school. This one has been my id, trying to convince me to stop being platonic. She was in her car, and I was in the passenger side of my car. Somehow through a crack in my window, she reached her hand through to hold mine. I opened my window and with my hand I held hers. There was nothing sexual here, just one friend supporting another friend. I could see in her eyes a look saying "I know; I am sorry for your loss." [She was referring to the shidduch that just ended]. When I held her hand, I felt a pulsing energy through our palms and she was shocked that I reached out and held her hand because this meant that I broke out from my platonic ways.

We certainly were not about to do anything intimate because we were just friends, but immediately, the thought that came to our minds was my make-believe conversation I had with G-d before I met this girl who just ended the shidduch. I made a deal with G-d (in real life, I really did, and I spoke to my friend in person about this the morning before I met the girl for the first time) that if this shidduch did not work out, I would stop being platonic, and I would resume my ballroom dancing and contact with women. This certainly does not mean that I would be physical or intimate with any of them or that I would no longer wait until marriage, but that I would no longer be what is called shomer negiah (guard of the touch), a concept in Judaism where the man does not touch a woman -- this would be a barrier so that he does not accidentally get lured into other lascivious and tempetuous acts of intimacy that are forbidden before marriage.

In real waking life, I did make this deal with G-d (if one actually can) that I would no longer be shomer negiah and that I would start ballroom dancing again if this last shidduch did not work out. I made this deal the day before I met this last girl I was dating. Now she has broken it off and I wonder whether the status of my contract with G-d is still valid, or whether it was valid in the first place, or whether I just dreamed it up in my imagination.

Shifting back to the dream, after holding her hand, she wished me a happy birthday. If that were true, then it would have needed to be a Sunday, which means that the day before must have been Shabbos (the Sabbath), but I was home working, and I don't remember there being a Shabbos -- Oh my gosh! (I thought), I missed Shabbos for the first time since I was frum (religious) !! This was bad, but it was completely unintentional.

Being that it was my birthday, I wanted to go see the Rebbe (Lubavicher Rebbe) to get a beracha (blessing) for my birthday. I couldn't believe I missed Shabbos. I saw a few Israeli guys who walked towards me and started a conversation with me in Hebrew. I stood up and started to walk with them towards my bunk (this is a dream, remember, things don't have to be logical). I told one the Israelis about the nazi statue and how uncomfortable it made me. I also told them I was going to the Ohel (the gravesite of the Lubavicher Rebbe) and I hoped that nobody would ask me for a ride there. I walked with one of the guys -- a tall, blond guy, and we were talking. When I got to the bunk, he gave me a big hug. I asked him what his name was, and he said his name was [Zoe]. I said, "That's my name too! [Zoe] what??" He answered "[Zoe] Freid". I told him my full name, and I thought that it was very strange that he had my name. In the dream moments later, wondered whether since I was dreaming (I sometimes can tell in a dream that it is a dream I am experiencing), whether he was me. "Freid" I thought... that sounds like "Freed"... "Freed from what?" I thought as I woke up to my bunk...

I opened my eyes to hear the brainwave sounds and the wireless headset still over my ears. I realized that Jews don't go to the Rebbe on their solar birthday, but rather, on their Lunar birthday which this year will fall on this Wednesday, June 8th, the day I leave to China. I will go see the Rebbe in the morning to ask for a beracha (blessing) and to ask for some understanding why things happened the way they did with this shidduch that just ended two days ago.

I accidentally made another connection, maybe.

[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

Just Wasting Time

1) I found a response to an e-mail I once wrote after having a double-vision experience after using the hemi-sync / holo-sync technology tapes in October, 2004. I fell asleep while listening and I woke up and had what I thought to be a hallucination. I posted the e-mail here; it's definitely an interesting read if you're into that kind of stuff.

2) I was messing around with a cool web-surfing utility called Stumble!. It has brought me to many cool sites based on my viewing preferences. One of these sites was a bunch of colors that you select, and from your selection, they read your personal life situation. I didn't even realize I was taking a test that would read into what is going on in my life, but when I read the results, my mouth dropped open because I couldn't have more accurately described my feelings if I tried. I posted the results here.

3) It's 3 a.m. Why is my dad vacuuming?

It's 4pm, almost 24 hours since I found out that she ended the shidduch. I've been sitting by the phone and I've been checking my e-mail every few minutes all day with the hope that I would get an e-mail or a phone call explaining yesterday's events. Just as I started writing this, I checked my voicemail and I heard a message from my matchmaker. She wanted to let me know that the woman who is housing the girl will be calling me to apologize for this whole situation. My matchmaker was calling me ahead of the other woman so that I would not get disappointed when I heard that her message is that there is no change from yesterday. It seems like everything is over, so I will pick up myself from my depths, pack up, and I will move on.

Reflections on Shidduch

[Edited for her privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

...I feel bad for the state of things, and it has been explained to me that she broke it off not because of the television or the clothing issues, but because she couldn't commit to living a religious life with me.

...There is a limit to how many times a person can violate my trust before I can no longer offer it. There comes a threshold point where my openness and willingness to move forward with a relationship changes from a yes to a no. I do not feel comfortable anymore because I no longer believe that she is the kind of person that can be trusted. The last thing that I would want is a broken enagement, or to make plans for a wedding that wouldn't happen because she backs out. If I thought it could work out then I would give my trust and my love unconditionally, but I don't believe that she is credible anymore.

The last thought about this is that if she told me tomorrow that she made a mistake and that she wanted to continue with me and that she wanted to get engaged to be married, I would not believe her or trust that she was telling me the truth. She lost my trust because last night I gave her my love and she rejected it, and therefore I am heartbroken because along with my trust, she has also lost me.

She Ended It

Well, as exciting as everything has been, I must breathe a sigh and tell you that I just got a phone call that she broke off the shidduch. Apparently all this was too much for her and even with the changes and the adjustments, she could not leave her old life behind.

Breaking Out

I just went shopping for colored shirts. I bought four pairs -- two shades of olive, one lavender, and one light blue. I also purchased matching ties and some moisture-resistant socks. This was a big deal for me because until last night, I was under the impression that Chassidic men do not wear colored clothing because to do so would send out the message that they were somehow less religious. After last night's revelation and fiasco, I decided to break out of my black-and-white pattern of dress.

Integration of Self

[Edited for her privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

I can feel that the old me is beginning to re-surface. I am coming to terms with my religious questions and things are beginning to make sense. For me, the picture below signifies (in likeness to how I used to look, and in my eyes, how I used to see myself) the person I was before I became religious. The fact that those parts of me are beginning to surface once again, but now in a religious form, leads me to believe that I am starting to integrate my past with my present. There is no longer such a disconnect between my life as a religious person and my former life as a secular person; they no longer look so different, and with this new integration, I am still keeping with the Jewish observances and the Chassidic (ultra orthodox) mindsets that highly influence a person's eyes and how that person sees the world. Religion was never meant to limit the person's life, but rather, to enhance it by promoting healthy attitudes and adding nourishing actions to a person's spiritual life (avodah) that would keep his life in order and that would shield him from bad influences. This effect should be true for any religion.


I believe strongly that movies do not belong in a married home because of the influences that come along with the movies. Couples see romantic films and then get depressed at how their perceived boring, uneventful lives are. Movies and television can cause shalom bayis (peaceful home) problems between a man and a woman, especially because most of the women on the movies are beautiful, sexy, lascivious, and have more dripping / oozing sensuality than any normal stable relationship. Plus, I feel that men should simply not be staring or thinking about these beautiful, lascivious, sexy women for hours at a time; it is simply unhealthy for the marriage. The only woman in a man's eyes should be his beautiful wife.

There are also unconscious effects by watching a movie, such as becoming indoctrinated with the message of the writer; after all, most writers have a specific reason and message when they write a movie. This comes through the screen and programs the viewer who is in almost a state of hypnosis throughout the whole movie and is susceptible to any message the writer wants to convey. The images get burned into the viewer's subconscious, and they stay there having their effects long after the movie is over. There are also spiritual effects, specifically because a movie enters through the eyes of the viewer and can affect the soul and can directly influence the person's desires. Maybe more on this another time.

Broken Over a White Shirt

[Edited for her privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

There is a kabalistic thought that when the stars are not in your favor, stay out of fate's way. Don't show your face. Wear a hood, stay at home, anything. Just don't show your face or you'll be attacked by the angels.

Today was one of those days where nothing would go right. I felt it this morning when I woke up. I had a bad feeling all day. I felt it when I picked up the girl I am shidduch dating from the house and brought her to our destination point; I knew something was wrong. I noticed it when my car hit the curb when turning the corner; I'm a very careful driver; this shouldn't have happened. I should have heard her non-emotional answers to my questions about her music when we were in the car. Instead I decided to dig as deep as I can to find out all about her deeper parts; perhaps I would strike oil. Instead, I hit a rock.

At one point when the day at the boardwalk seemed to be going well, she changed and started talking about how she can't be herself with me in my white shirt. To her, it was obvious to the world that we were religious Jews and she felt the pressure to conform to act the way she imagines that religious Jews are supposed to act. Instead, she started a rampage of questions about my clothing, asking me if I wear exclusively white shirts. I told her that I believed that a religious person should dress in black and white and she said that if so, she can not be with me and that I must take her home because she cannot move forward in the relationship.

I tried to speak to her in the car but the more I said, the worse it got. She told me that she didn't think we were going to work out and that she's ending the relationship because she doesn't want to be the cause of me becoming less religious by forcing me to dress in color. She didn't want me resenting her for liking color in a man, and she didn't want to bring me down in my yiddishkeit (religious) observance.

After delaying it as much as I could to try to talk things out, I dropped her off and she ran into the house half in tears. I couldn't figure out what happened. I called my shadchan (matchmaker) and I told her what happened. "What?!? She broke up with you because you thought blue shirts are less Chossidish (modest) than white shirts? Who taught you that?!?" When I answered that it was her husband that told me that, she called him over as if he did something really terrible. I felt bad for getting him in trouble and I hoped that I didn't cause a shalom bayis (peaceful house) problem between them. It turns out that either I misunderstood him or that he gave me overly strict advice thinking that it would be appropriate for me. Nevertheless, I felt deceived, and now I was about to lose the woman I've been dating since before Pesach (Passover)... over a white shirt.

Everybody called everybody to resolve this mess, but there was no resolution. I went over to 770 (the Lubavicher Rebbe's shul) and I was going to write a p"n (pidyon nefesh / letter to the Rebbe bearing of the soul) to ask the Rebbe for guidance to understand what happened and to figure out if there is a resolution. I wrote to him a few days before to tell him about the then current situation where she was having doubts and I wanted a resolution of these doubts. However, what I did NOT want was a break up of this shidduch. I wondered to myself whether this was the result of a physical manifestation of his answer. I tried to console the Rabbi from his embarrassment from not giving me the full picture about how it was also normal to wear colored shirts, and I wondered on what other topics I had been misinformed. I couldn't believe my relationship was going to end because of a lost battle defending a non-existant dogma.

After speaking to the people whom she was staying at, I got the message that she was afraid of altering her life to become over-the-edge religious and that the situation might be hopeless and I might not get a chance to fix this one. I walked downstairs to the basement of 770, and the phone rang. It was the girl. She didn't know why she called, but she nevertheless felt that she needed to.

Thinking about how I was deceived about the necessity of the white shirt, and wondering what else I am overly strict on, I decided to have the opinion of "who am I to judge her or to force her to be something she is not?" I knew she was religious and I knew that she wants to raise a Jewish home. The two quirks are 1) watching movies, and 2) colored clothing. I told her neither was an issue. The goal here is to grow together, not to force her into a situation she is not comfortable with.

After speaking to her for a few minutes, I suggested that we see each other face-to-face. I headed over to the house that she was staying at, and we sat outside drinking apple juice. I told her not to fear about the clothing, and that any issue can be resolved with open communication.

[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

There is not much of quality to write about yet. I spent hours with my dad on Thursday night trying to figure out logically what was stopping her from moving forward. We had three rules that she told us: 1) it is not a health issue, 2) it will not affect me or our children, and 3) it is not a mental health issue.

After pondering for around 20 minutes, my dad said with a grin, "maybe she has a male organ!" I almost fainted from the thought because it could have fit the criteria she laid out. Other thoughts we came up with on our list were 1) alcoholic abuse, 2) drug abuse, 3) present effects of a past traumatic event. In the end it was none of these, and I was so happy about hearing her bad news that I told her that we should get engaged to be married right away. Unfortunately her head was spinning from our discussion and she told me to ask her another day and without making any promises, she is at the point where she would say yes. I later got the point that she wants me to get down on my knees and to propose rather than just talking objectively about getting engaged. She's a romantic, and I should have known better. Religious world or not, she's still human and she has feelings.

I meet her again tomorrow afternoon.

Ordering Chinese Food / Umbrella Use

There was one event that fried my brain for a few seconds, and that was ordering dinner. We went out to Chinese food, and I was going to have my all-time favorite dish, ORANGE FLAVORED BEEF. To me there is nothing like it. She doesn't eat red meat. When ordering, she wanted the Moo Goo Gai Pan, a dish that I find to be absolutely devoid of taste, gooey, and boring.

Immediately my brain fried because I felt a feeling of discomfort in ordering my favorite dish, "red meat", in front of her. Second, this restaurant I took her to was my all-time favorite kosher restaurant in the world, and I have not been there since April of 2003 or 2004. Not realizing this was on my mind, I drove there with the intent to order that dish.

When we got there I sadly opened the menu looking for some tasteless vegetarian dish that would have cost just as much but would have tasted like cooked rubber. Was this to be my future? Is this what it means to bend to your partner's desires? I know this is a sad entry, and the result was that there was a delicious meal because when she mentioned that she found nothing offensive about eating chicken, I found and ordered the orange flavored chicken that was on the menu, which was almost as good [but between you and me not quite as good] as the beef would have been. Even then, she expressed her disinterest in fried foods in general, nevertheless I felt that it would show in my mood if I ordered something tasteless and so I stayed with my less-favored alternative, the chicken. I wasn't disturbed by her blunt opinions regarding foods because she wasn't telling me what to order; I was just interpreting her words as such. I knew in my heart that if she knew how attached I was to that dish, that she would insist that I ate the beef. However, I was satisfied to choose the chicken, a healthier, yet still sugar-laden alternative.

I felt that this could be a lesson, namely that just as there should be a pleasure in religion when someone nullifies their desires to serve their Creator, so too a refined person should be able to find pleasure in nullifying their desires to serve their partner.

I am certainly not that refined and so I nevertheless ordered the dish I wanted, but I did show a slight resemblance to this concept earlier in the day. It was raining pretty heavily and she wanted to open the umbrella. Being the kind person she was (is), she was holding it over both of our heads so that I wouldn't get soaked. In my mind, I seem to remember a Jewish law that said that a man and woman shouldn't go under the same tent (Chupah, in Hebrew) in private with other witnesses until they are married. As silly and remedial as this sounds, I didn't remember if an umbrella can be considered this kind of secluded covering.

So without confronting her with some weird law, I offered to hold the umbrella, and since she had a hood on her cartigan (jacket), she didn't notice that I was holding it over her head only and that I was getting soaked. She also didn't notice that my arm really was hurting me from holding it at that angle. But I felt that it was the right thing to do. Plus, I felt a little bit like the king bee that serves his queen bee. For me it was a quiet romantic gesture that gave me pleasure. So while I still have much to learn when it comes to relationships, it felt good that at least I was able to do something quietly gallant.

Copy of Comment to "The Waiting Game"

[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

I felt that Daphnewood's comment to my last post and my response to it deserved its own space and emphasis.


Zoe Strickman said...
Thank you for the feedback. All of what you said is true, even about the colored shirt. Yesterday I wore a maroon sweater and lo and behold, a close friend of my rabbi walked by me, noticed me and the fact that I was on a date, smiled, and continued walking. I didn't die as I thought I would, but the colored sweater will require a slight explanation when I will just happen to see him tonight for the Lag B'Omer campfire.

As for the cow and the milk, I smiled when I read your comment because that was EXACTLY what was on my mind during our date last night. She kept asking me if we could do X, or if I could come over for Y, and I kept saying "when the time is appropriate," meaning when she buys the cow [the idea of us]. It is funny how it is me here that is holding back from allowing the experience to be all that it can be, but I don't want it to be taken for granted that we can date forever. Also, despite my calculated mistake in bringing her out to dinner, I don't want her to think that there is no reason to get engaged because we are doing all the fun things now in the courting stage [although as of now I am having a difficult time distinguishing how the two stages would be different other than emotionally]. I feel that there should be some certainty between us before we start engaging in those kinds of activities. It is only fair, and in my sense of justice, it is only proper. I wouldn't expect anything different from her.

2:24 PM

Daphnewood said...

Not to make light of your situation but it reminds me of my mom saying "no one will buy the cow if it gives out the milk for free". She would say this to try to convince me to stay pure before marriage. How my innocence compared to the buying/selling of a cow still eludes me but it makes me laugh. Anyway, when you said 'it cheapens the experience' it brought it all back to me. You are afraid she won't commit because you're giving the milk for free. (I am just laughing while writing this) Again, I am not trying to make light of your situation. I was just struck by the difference in standards at what constitutes as chastity. To me, you sound like a man in love. Love makes everyone do some crazy things including going out to dinner and wearing colored shirts ;) If that wasn't enough proof the methodical time keeping (i.e. 60 hours together) is a dead giveaway!