Connected One Level Deeper

Comment Added 7:15pm: I don't feel that I said anything of value in this blog entry. I discussed the shortcomings of religion when it comes to actual spiritual practices that are not centered around service of G-d. I also discussed my desire to figure out the mechanism of the cloud-dissolving skill I learned before I went to Rabbincal School, but nobody could ever explain to me why it worked. This article contains a reasoning why magic no longer exists in today's world from a historical point of view.
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It is interesting that you have been with me since late February. You have shared my stories and my experiences as if you were peering into someone's life through the LCD screen of your monitor. I am a living, breathing person. I wake up every morning, just as you do. What I have told you is real -- sometimes too real. Some of you have figured out a little more than I would have liked to let on, but it is good that you still would not be able to point me out in a crowd, nor would you be able to find out who I am by searching on google.com or any other search engine. It is with my most sincere desire to stay anonymous that I have shared my secrets with you. In fact, I am thinking of taking you in a little deeper.

As full of experiences my life is, inside I feel that my life is hollow and empty; I am a reflection of my decisions, my surroundings, and the many movies that I have seen. I can see the same movie one-hundred times and still enjoy it as much as I did the first time. My memories are the building blocks of my personality, and I laugh at how fragile my personality is, meaning that I know that I can rip it down and build a new personality in minutes because I don't believe that either it or I am real. I am an actor in my life, and just as I can play the role of Zoe, I can pick up any other role with ease without a sweat.

It spooks me that I seem to have learned that there is a higher power than my mind. I used to believe in Leibnitz's philosophy, namely that each of us are G-ds of our existence, if we only learned how to control it. I firmly believed that one can disengage from existence and end up somewhere else as one disembarks from an airplane or a jet. I have experienced and video-tape recorded my proof that people and objects are connected in a physical way, meaning that one can influence the creation or de-creation of objects. However, I have only learned to control a destructive power over clouds, namely to choose a specific cloud and with my thoughts to re-shape, cut, or dissolve the cloud at will. The reason I became religious other than an ex-girlfriend who influenced me and introduced me to my Jewish roots was because I figured out how to manipulate clouds, and I wondered what else I can affect with my mind. I thought Judaism could teach me to harness this power and to develop and to channel it for good.

Instead, I have been met with resistance and with disbelief from my elders. It seems that they are not aware of how to work the connection I seek to expound, and it also seems that much in Judaism has been forgotten since the destruction of our Temple, the Beis HaMikdash that is still found in Jerusalem standing today. However, no Jew is permitted to enter into this Temple because we are in a state of exile from our Creator and from our birthright. There are stories about how (possibly hundreds of) years ago, holy people were able to do things such as I have described. However, there is a big rule in Judaism not to practice magic or sorcery, and the rabbis that I have discussed this topic about the clouds think [but are not sure] that perhaps I am tapping into powers of sorcery or magic that is forbidden for a Jew.

The reasoning as I understand it is that we are not supposed to practice sorcery is that perhaps it is akin to worshiping foreign idols, namely one's self over G-d, and perhaps the Jew who can influence nature might be led down a path into avodah zorah (idol worship), which might lead him to associate with non-physical entities, angels, and demons (namely "shin-daleds") who are just aching to gain access to our realm of physicality. Up front, I must clarify that I am singling out Jews such as myself in this discussion because the restriction against sorcery does not apply to non-Jews; in fact, they are permitted to use sorcery and magic, just as they did in the times of the Pharaohs in ancient Egypt.

The only non-religious model that I have found that gives only a glimmer of an answer is the practice of Huna, a form of ancient Hawaiian mysticism. Their system and the explanation of the souls and how each one works is almost identical to the Jewish model of understanding the souls within a person. Additionally, the words they use for the practitioners of the arts, Kahuna, is the same word as the Hebrew and Aramaic form of the word "Cohen", or high priest. I secretly suspect that there is a connection between their form of Huna and the forms of mysticism and kabbalah that are forbidden, looked down upon, and not taught to Jews today.

The reasoning is simple. Jews are not in a state of purity such as we were in the times of the Temple; we do not offer sacrifices, and we are not given access to the various modes of purification that were made available to Jews in biblical times. I am specifically referring to the Parah Adumah (a.k.a. the red heifer) which was used ritually to purify people who came in contact with impurity. Furthermore, we live in a state of perpetual impurity, and so practicing kabbalah or any use of spiritual forces other than what has been instructed for our use in our prayer services (avodah) and in our Torah learning and the power in our saying Tehillim (psalms), anything outside of these practices can only do harm because our state of impurity would attract the wrong kinds of forces, and we would derive power from impure sources which is against G-d's will and can only cause literal harm to ourselves, and to others.

Lastly, it was known that only holy people could do these kinds of things I have described. However there is a problem here because I am far from holy. I am clearly a sinner, and as religious as I am, there is so much in practice and observance that I am lacking. Furthermore, my skill in reshaping and disintegrating small clouds at will has gotten significantly stronger since I have become religious. I don't know if it is a spiritual muscle, or if it is just something I've noticed that anyone can do; I am of the latter opinion, namely that anyone can do it if they want to. The point is that according to the rules, I should not be able to do what I believe I can do because I am not holy. It is possible that a truly evil person can have this kind of power too akin to the Star Wars model of understanding how to use the "force" -- see, movies can contribute to society's understanding of G-dliness -- however, I don't see myself as an evil person either because I am religious. I am somewhere in the middle, where I obey G-d's will as much as I can, but I also disobey it due to my own weakness.

Now I've taken you one step deeper into my world. Help me understand this connection and I will be forever grateful to you. I have taken video tape recordings of melting clouds, and I would be happy to e-mail to anyone upon request. I would be even willing to upload the files to an FTP site if someone can provide one. The only downside is that the 5 recordings are in .avi format and they are about 10 Megs each. It is important enough for me to understand this, and so I'd be willing to put out the effort to get them to you. Note that 1) the recordings took place in Israel last summer, and 2) I was working with small clouds only because at the time I wasn't strong enough to affect larger clouds.

[Instructions: To understand what I was doing or thinking, in my mind I chose a particular cloud to the exclusion of the other clouds around them, otherwise they all would have disappeared. I realize that this happens sometimes that when I'm trying to work with one cloud, I accidently nick the clouds surrounding them. I de-focus my eyes and I breathe deeply. With my right hand, I point at the cloud I want to disappear and I think about my intention. I feel that I am focusing on the cloud from my forehead and from my solar plexus. Then, the cloud just disappears.]

I'd be interested if you would be willing to take some of your time to try this (as silly as it sounds) and tell me what kind of results you got. I'd also like your explanation for this if you have one. I am sorry if all this comes off in your opinion as hokey or non-sense. I'm looking for an answer and how to use that answer -- it's not such a complex question.