Update - Struggles already with new diet.

Wow, I didn't realize I was already on Day 4.  Here is my diary so far.

DAY 1 (SUNDAY, 7/24):
On Sunday, I just had my juiced vegetables and water.  My wife made me some coffee, and even though this is not the best way to start, I figured that it is a good idea to start one step at a time.  I don't function well without coffee.  For dinner, I cooked some sweet potatoes and then blended them with some spices.  It made for a very delicious dinner.

DAY 2 (MONDAY, 7/25):
Same as day 1; everything was going well.  I decided not to have coffee (too acidic), so I was moody and groggy for much of the day.  Also had a huge headache from the hunger pangs.  However, at night, my wife was starting to bug me about me doing this.  She asked me, "so are you going to only be drinking juices? Will you be eating meat or anything else at all?" and I answered, "[Eve,] I have not decided exactly what I'm doing yet.  But yeah, sure, I'm sure I'll be open to eating meat."  Then I saw that she made this gigantic leg of some kind of beef.  I'm talking the kind of meat that you would see being sold at a carnival!  I'm telling you, the meat was red, it looked like corned beef on a bone, and it smelled amazing!

Inside, I had this dilemma.  I really didn't want to eat this meat, but I didn't want to seem like an extremist either.  Also, how bad could this one piece of meat be?

I took a few bites, and then I stopped.  Then I took a few more bites, and then after being upset with myself, I finished off a bag of parve cheese doodles.  "Damn," I thought.  I wish I were stronger.

DAY 3 (TUESDAY, 7/26):
Being slightly upset about the night before, I resumed my "vegetable juice only" regimen.  I drank my water throughout the day, drank green juice throughout the day, all was good.  In the afternoon, my wife made the same kind of soup I made just a few days before, but she didn't spice it at all... plus, she used carrots.  When I asked her about it, she said she made it for me.  After tasting it, I decided to improve the taste (or at least give it some), and so I added some salt, an apple, and some spices.  The problem is that I poured clover instead of ginger, and then when I realized it was the wrong one, I used too much ginger.  I tasted it and I dealt with the horrific taste of clover between my tongue and the top of my mouth.  Later that night, my wife tasted it and almost spit it out.  She said it was terrible tasting, and I apologized for ruining her soup.  In the evening, I saw my wife cooked the kids some chicken nuggets, a minimal amount was left on their plates after they went to sleep.  I gobbled up what was there (maybe a piece or two), and then I decided that I need to balance that with something healthy.  I steamed some organic broccoli, and that, along with some green juice and Yerba mate tea was my dinner.  Tea tasted disgusting without any sweetener.  I think I'm going to go get some Stevia or something healthy.  All in all, this was a good day.

DAY 4 (TODAY, WEDNESDAY, 7/27):
Today I was having a difficult day.  In the morning, I saw that my weight had dropped to 238 lbs -- holy smokes!  This was the first time in years I had broken below this weight!  I started my morning with my green veggie juice, but I had a serving of Halva my mother-in-law got us from her trip to Israel.  Throughout the day, I drank water - a liter or so, but in the afternoon when my wife was cooking herself that yummy meat (my piece from Day 2 that I did not eat), I took two pieces of cheese and ate them (dairy is no good for my diet). A few minutes later, I had another serving of Halva, two more pieces of cheese, and then I walked away realizing that I suck at sticking to this healthy food thing.  I'll be having more green juice and some veggies for dinner.

All in all, this takes a lot of will power.  I'm used to having lots of coffee each day, and I've cut that out, at least for now.  Part of me thinks I can use the caffeine, and so the Yerba mate tea does have a lot of caffeine, so I'll try that instead.  I went to IKEA this morning with my wife and our kids (the two not in day camp), and we spent two hours roaming the room setups.  I purchased a strainer so that the tea doesn't get mixed with what I drink.  Yesterday I brewed it in my coffee maker, but the instructions said that to benefit most from it and not kill the enzymes (or whatever nutrients are in Yerba), let it sit in cooler water first, then pour the hot water and heat it up.  My coffee brewer shot boiling water all over it.  The problem is that now that I have a strainer (it cost $0.99), I need to toivel it because it is metal.  Now I need to figure my way over to the shul and gain access to the mikveh.

New weight loss regimen. Time for some life changes.

Image: greenphile / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is motzai shabbos, July 23rd, 2011, and I am taking something on that I could use some support on.

Last year, I went to the doctor and he told me that I was months away from a heart attack. I wasn't significantly overweight -- at the time I was 245 lbs and being a tall 6'4" with broad shoulders, my weight was bad, even "obese" according to the BMI chart, but I wasn't walking around with a gut. As a result, he told me that my good cholesterol was low and that I needed to start taking Niacin pills to hold me over while I change my lifestyle.

With the permission of my wife, I used our income tax return money to purchase a Vitamix 5200 Juicer, and an EasyGreen sprout grower. I also bought a step counter and committed to walking 10,000 steps each day. I did this religiously for a while, but I never reached 10,000. I also grew sprouts regularly for a while and juiced them with vegetables, but as the document review project that I was on ended and I started studying for the NY bar exam, so did my exercise and my diet.

Since then I've kept it up only intermittantly, juicing maybe once every other week, growing sprouts, etc. but the exercise dropped off a cliff and never returned. Similarly, the step counter ran out of batteries, and I got tired of seeing that I only walked 4,000 steps that day which was embarassing, especially since my wife hit 10,000 on her step counter just running around with her smaller steps doing regular chores. Then she got pregnant, and I quit the whole health thing.

However, now it's almost two years later, and I am just as fat, unhealthy, and I've been getting sick a lot, especially since I have been working the law firm each day without leaving the home. It seems as if every other week, I come down with the flu or some cold which knocks me off my feet. Theraflu has become my tea of choice these past few months. In short, I'm getting tired of being sick and tired.

So my wife started exercising, and I've been listening to old audios of Tony Robbins (Living Health) that I have in my audio archives. I've also been re-reading the books I have on the shelf regarding the importance of staying hydrated, keeping your body alkaline, etc. I'm also watching streaming health videos on Netflix (at this moment, "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead" which I am finding humorous since I relate to the character so much) which is a stark improvement from the Prison Break series or Battlestar Galactica which took up many months of my evening viewing in the past year.

So here's my plan, and this time I hope to stick to it. I will resume juicing and eating greens so that every day I have healthy liquid vegetables to drink. I will resume drinking at least three liters of filtered water each day. I will go to the gym at least twice each week. I will also get my sleeping habits in order so that I can wake up early and immediately start on this regimen -- this is my commitment. Hopefully being away in the morning will also lead me into the halls of the Empire Shteibel, my shul. In the past, this has been sufficient to get my health back on track. I cannot and will not commit more than this because this seems to be an overwhelming lifestyle change. I will not give up food, snacks, junk food, coffee, soda, or other vices, at least not yet. I am adding the good before I start subtracting the bad. Step by step is the way I will go.

Afraid Hashem is firing a shot across the bow.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

First of all, this is the first time I have gone through my e-mail since December, 2010.  I am floored, honored, shocked, and a bit embarrassed that many of you read the blog.  For a while, I thought this was merely my sounding board for people who hated my guts and called me all sorts of names.  I liked it because for once, I got an honest answer to the issues that were bothering me in life.  Now I just checked my e-mail, and holy smokes, you actually read this stuff!  As if the dysfunctional parts of my life are fodder for your reading pleasure.  I actually almost cried because I felt cared for when I read all your e-mails, and I apologize for not returning any of them.

I usually don't write because I really have nothing to say.  I'm working my law firm out of our bedroom closet, and we've made more money than ever and I'm scared as hell that this won't last.

I've been successful in my niche area [which kills me that I can't talk to you about it because there are so few people doing what I'm doing], but the problem is that where a few months ago I was pulling in weeks where the firm was making $9K-$12K a week -- don't get me wrong -- this happened only a few times -- my average these past few weeks has been $1,000 - $2,000 per week.  That's still more than I was making at document review, but it is no longer so impressive.

While on the surface it appears as if the niche area of law I've been working on has had its time, I have this sneaking suspicion that our berachas are running out.  G-d has given me such an opportunity to allow me to be frum and I've blown it by not davening with tallis and tefilin, and by separating myself from our community.

Today, I almost cried because we got a check for $1,000, but the help the new client needed was moot and so I e-mailed him that I was going to return his check because I couldn't help him.  I told my wife that I was sure that this was Hashem firing a shot across the bow.  He is saying, "I gave you this parnossa; I can take it away at any time."  But all over me not davening?!?  This kills me.  I am so strong in so many areas of yiddishkeit -- kashrus, Shabbos, learning Torah, especially nigleh!  I spend roughly an hour each day learning torah, and over Shabbos, sometimes I learn up to four or five hours.  Plus, whenever I get bored, instead of picking up a book on whatever, I usually grab for something torah-oriented.  I love learning!  I hate davening.

Anyway, that's it for now.  I'm wiped out because our kids have gotten into the bad habit of waking up at 5:30am, and this infuriates me because I really don't do well with getting enough sleep.  As you all know, when I become sleep deprived, I am not at my best.  My days start by how I wake up, and the way I have been waking up lately has made me a mess.

June 2011 Frumpter Update -- No Longer Doing Slave Labor, Started Own Firm

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It has been so long since I have written that I couldn't even remember the password to log into the Frumpter blog account.  What sparked me coming back here was an e-mail I saw from months ago telling me that I should remove the semi-porn photo from this blog.  Not remembering putting up even a provocative photo, I thought to myself, "the blog must have been hacked."  So I logged in, and I started reading all the posts about my wife's grandmother, my document review position (now long gone), the fights my wife and I were having.  The more I read, the worse I felt.  This blog is not good for my shalom bayis, and I'm glad my wife didn't have the interest to ever look it up.

In short, at some point last year we had a fire in our home.  Nothing major, some damage to my books and some items in the kitchen, but nobody was hurt.  At the time, my Rabbi told me that there are sources in Chassidus which teach that when someone has a fire in his home, it is usually a sign that person and his family will shortly become wealthy.  The logic is that an outbreak of a fire ("Aish") contains so much concentrated Gevurah (lit. severity) in one place, that there is no choice but that the fire ends up bringing down Chesed (lit. kindness/mercy) in equal proportions, often in the form of money and wealth.  Obviously no doubt a jew should never fortune-tell his future based on events that happen, but still it is something to smile at and wish it would be true.

Well in short, I was working crazy hours while working the document review project full-time.  I was commuting back and forth from Crown Heights by way of the subway (eek, think hand sanitizer every day), and I was getting home around midnight almost every evening.  Why?  Because after document review, I would go to the nearest Starbucks, and I would sit there for hours and make phone calls because I was starting my law practice.  In short, I was working two jobs -- the document review full time, and the law practice almost full time as well.

I was too afraid to start the law practice without having at least six (6) months equivalent of document review salary available -- the logic was that if I worked the law practice every day for six months after leaving the document review project, I would be able to find another one if I saw that my efforts were not bearing fruit.  Funny enough, since the project I was on was only producing something like $30/hour (maybe $25/hour, I cannot remember at this point), all I needed for 6-months of salary was $30,000.  Since all the money from the document review went into just basic living expenses, I saved this money by working nights at the law firm and taking on new clients.  As soon as I saved this 6-months of salary, I quit the document review project, and I went to work full time on my new law firm.

It was February 2011 when I left the project and hit the ground running on my firm exclusively and full time.  I still kept time sheets as if I were still working the document review because I didn't want to slack off and work fewer than the 40-50 hours I was working as a minimum each week at the project.  However, the firm quickly became successful (with a huge amount of effort, obviously), and now I have more people calling than I can take on as clients.  I have focused my practice into one little niche area, taken on a bunch of clients, and now this is all I do each day from morning to evening.  I am a bit burned out from all the effort, but I am just keeping my routine and thinking of my practice as my good-paying job.  In four hours of work (billable hours, that is), I make as much as I would have made in a week of working my butt off in the document review project.

I work from home, and although my wife and I have agreed to very strict boundaries of when the closet (and a majority of our bedroom at times) in our Brooklyn apartment is my office, and when the closet is just a closet, I spend a lot of time with my family during the day.  Since I do patent work, most of my clients are over the internet, so I am fine being situated with a scanner, my laptop, a printer, and some office supplies.  I am obsessively organized with my client's paperwork, and I keep everything as organized as possible.  I say "as possible" because I have piles of papers which I no longer need, but I simply have not had time to digitize and scan them into electronic format and file them away.

Being that I work from home, I am able to spend time with my wife and now FOUR KIDS (our most recent child -- boy -- was conceived on/around Rosh Hashanna last year, and he was born early May, 2011).  My wife likes the fact that we are no longer struggling to pay the rent, and she also likes that she can each week tell me the dates and times she needs me for whatever purpose, and I simply block that time as "unavailable" to my clients so they cannot book appointments for those times.  She is also completely excited that after five years of marriage, we are finally going to be replacing her current sheitel with a nice (and unfortunately, but I am happy for her, expensive sheitel).  Her current one still looks good, but for those of you who wear sheitels, with the amount of hair pulling that has happened over the years, she has needed to change the style a few times now to cover over the areas of the sheitel that are starting to get "bald."

Being financially well off -- remember, this our fourth month of having good parnossa -- we both understand that this is a gift from Hashem and that it can end at any day, at any moment -- for now has been something that the two of us have had to acclimate ourselves to.  Our first inclination when money started coming in was to start spending and buy ourselves the things we always wanted.  However, after a few clothing sprees for the kids and seeing a few multi-hundred-dollar expenses show up on my credit card, my wife and I quickly had the conversation that money is not there to be spent -- it is there for times we need it, and for times where it would make us more comfortable.

Perfect example -- the most recent hospital stay when my wife was giving birth.  My wife didn't want to share a room with some stranger as she has done in the past, but the cost of a single room was quite expensive.  I told her to book a single room anyway because it is for times like this that the money is best spent.  Similarly, I have been looking at an English Gemara set on Amazon.com so that I can learn the Hebrew text line-by-line, and so I spent a few hundred dollars and bought the set.

(As a side topic, the author is a questionable academic with views of Judaism which comparatively delve into other religions more than I would like (and more than I would be comfortable reading about), but just as I often learn Gemara from the online Soncino version on the well known, anti-semetic Come And Hear website, if the Gemara doesn't have New Testament, Yoshka, or comparative texts from the Koran pasted all over it, I have nothing wrong with reading G-dliness (Oral Torah) from an author who might not be a follower of Hashem.  As long as he is not skewing the meaning of things or interpreting things in view of non-Jewish texts, I have nothing wrong with learning from his translations.  Torah is Torah, regardless of whether it is written by a G-d fearing Jew, a pious gentile, or even when quoted by a Hitler (mach'sh'mo).  [Maybe I am way off on this statement.  Something feels wrong about writing that.])

As far as shalom bayis is concerned, for now my wife and I are okay.  The newest boy is a screamer, and he keeps both my wife and myself awake most of the night, so we're pretty much pulling our hair out from all the stress and lack of sleep, but then again, I don't have that much hair to lose and hers is covered anyway. ;) The underlying issues are still there -- she treats me more as a roommate rather than a husband, and she sees her role in life as only a mother and she forgets that she is also a wife in a relationship that needs to be nurtured, so she forgets the simple things like, for example, talking to me once in a while, but things for now are fine.

My Rabbi told me that the best way to deal with this is to continue to act towards her like I would like her to act towards me, and that I should buy her flowers frequently (at minimum, every erev shabbos) and little things to show her that I think of her and that she's loved.  He told me to do this always, even when things are good, but not to expect any results in terms of her opening up to me and showing a change.

For now, things are good.  I'll post again in a few months. ;)

My wife has come home... she's been sleeping a lot.

Okay, so my wife came back yesterday morning.  I tried my hardest to be there early, but her flight got in around half an hour early.  By the time I got there, my wife was sitting there on the curb with a sad face on.  I was sad that I didn't get there earlier -- I really made an effort -- I even took off work in the morning even though we desperately need the hours -- so that I could be the one to pick her up.

She's been fine these past few days.  She really hasn't said much.  She spoke about her experiences in Israel and her spiritual experiences with regard to her grandma's death.  As for us, she said that she cannot believe that the person I am would say the things I said and -- yes, these are her words -- I must have been possessed by the devil himself (I suppose she meant the Sattan or the Yetzer Hara) because all of my actions and everything around her seemed to go to extremes trying to stop her from going to Israel to say goodbye.  She felt like she did holy things there, and she really affected the atmosphere of those around her, including uplifting her grandma who was receptive to her words of prayer.

As for everything else, she's been pretty quiet.  I think she's jetlagged or depressed because she's been going to sleep around 7pm yesterday and tonight and I have not had a chance to spend any time with her since she's come back.  I get back at 6:45pm, we put the kids to sleep, and she's asleep minutes later.  My insecurities tell me to feel hurt that she hasn't made any effort to communicate with me or spend time with me, but I'm shaking these feelings off because whichever one it is, she probably needs time to come back to normal and regain her emotional and physical strength.

As for everything else, I've picked up the pace of my share of the housework to make things easier for her (and to keep me sane).  On top of that, I've been having meetings with law firm prospective clients and I am up to two clients, possibly as of tonight, a third.  We'll see. I am doing all this for us, you know... and to get me the hell out of that sweat shop of a document review project.  WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND works document review in NYC for $25/hr?

Why G-d, why? Grandmother died. I feel horrible. :(

Wow, it can only go from bad to worse, can't it?

I've been waiting to hear back from my wife about the status of her grandmother.  When I asked her over a Skype conversation on Sunday, she shrugged, rolled her eyes and said, "don't ask."  Our conversation was superficial; I supposed she was stressed.  It kind of hurt that she was taking so much pleasure in talking to our kids, but she really had nothing to say to me.  You might answer, "well why would she want to speak to you, Zoe?  You're an asshole and you're slime for saying the things you have."  True, no doubt.  But this is the way she is even when things are good.

I was saddened that she didn't have much to say to me, if anything, and that she didn't lean on me or confide in me.  With the exception of our fights which you read about from my perspective only [via this blog], I'm really a hard-working, caring and loving husband who is an amazing father to our children.  No doubt, there are issues which have lingered throughout our marriage that I've been nudging to work out, the subject of our last fight being one of them.  [A piece of challah just got stuck to my arm as I was writing this, and when I turned my arm over, I saw it and I thought it was a scorpion and I jumped and screamed.  Luckily I'm alone and the kids are asleep as I'm writing this.]

Anyway, after not hearing from my wife all day -- her last day in Israel -- I figured that she would at least call me to arrange for her to be picked up from the airport.  She didn't call, and she didn't leave a forwarding number while she was in Israel, so all I had was the grandmother's phone number from her last two trips at whom she was not staying this time around (and that phone number rang and rang and rang with nobody picking up.)  I waited a few hours and hearing nothing, I sent her an e-mail telling her that I want to wish her well on her flight back and that she should call me so we can arrange for her arrival.

I got no phone call.

Then, hours later, her brother called me asking me if I could pick her up from the airport.  I told him I haven't heard from her and I was wondering how his grandmother was.  "Our grandmother died last night... Nobody told you?  We all knew about it first thing this morning.  The funeral was this morning."  Nobody told me.

Then my first thought was, "Thank G-d I called her up and convinced her to go after our fight, or else we would have gotten divorced over this."

I agreed to pick her up, and in fact, I insisted on picking her up.  Regardless of the hours of work I will necessarily miss for this, it is not even a consideration knowing that my wife just went through the death of her grandmother and a funeral!  I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of pain she is in.

I also cannot believe how dumb I feel for fighting with her about her going to Israel in the first place.  I am sure she will fault me for her grandmother's death, and she will fault me for stopping her from going and visiting, even though I was never opposed to her going.  I am so upset and crushed that her grandmother died, but even more so, I feel like such a fool that she died right as we fought days before about her going to Israel. I promise you world, I had NO IDEA she was this sick, and I thought she had many months of life left!  Many people get cancer!  They don't keel over and die overnight!  What happened to the whole "6 months to live" death sentence? AND EVEN THEN people live out years beyond that making jokes about the doctors ultra-conservative prognosis!

I knew that her brother said that she was doing very poorly when he visited just a week ago, but I didn't realize that meant their grandmother was imminently dying!  I had NO IDEA this was what was happening!  If so, I would never have instigated a fight over the text messages.  [They were half jokes that turned into a fight after she over and over misconstrued my words into something disgusting and ugly!  I was just making a point in the texts.  I didn't have any intention of her not going.  I was just feeling unloved and ignored, and I wanted some attention, appreciation, or acknowledgement that I was and am doing well in being a good husband and father].  I could just as easily take my $50K/yr on our single income and law school debt, rent, and daycare for two kids and I could watch movies every afternoon and evening sitting outside with a beer achieving absolutely nothing like so many people do who don't care to make a life for themselves.  But no!  I stay out until 10pm sometimes working my ass off learning new materials so that I can properly give my wife and my family what they want and need!  And when I am home, I AM HOME!  I don't take my work home with me.  I am playful with the kids, present and dominant as a parent, helpful in the home, and I am a good husband to my wife.  Now I'm the piece of shit who almost stopped her from seeing her grandmother just a few days before she left this earth forever.

I don't know how I can ever salvage this one.

Hey, out of curiosity, what should we look for in a marriage counselor?  How much should they cost, etc.?

What are the pitfalls, the benefits, the costs?

Can anyone share any POSITIVE stories?  I know the negative ones all lead to divorce.

End of the TXT-MESSAGE-FIGHT story.

First of all, I stopped moderating comments.  Too often, I'll write something in the heat of the moment and not log on for another week, or a holiday will go by or something and I and everyone else don't see your posts.  So now it's no longer moderated.

As for the whole Israel trip.  Here is the end of the story.

The following morning, I was ready to talk to my wife thinking that she'd cooled down from the previous day's interactions.  The first thing she asked me is whether I take back all the things I said before and do I admit that I am a selfish asshole.  I told her that I was still sorry I said them the way I did, but I still meant what I said, but I thought I was right and that I'd be happy to talk about it like adults.

I can't recall the words that were exchanged, but they were primarily insults directed at me where she was venting anger and throwing insults my way, but no, she wouldn't discuss anything that was said.  Finally, I got ready, went to work, and kissed my three kids goodbye.  Knowing that my wife was flying to Israel that morning, I was horrified and sad that she was okay with leaving with such negativity between us, but she made no efforts to smooth things out despite my many attempts the night before and that morning.  Instead of kissing her too, I told her to "go to hell" and I walked out.

I couldn't believe we were going to part fighting like this.  She had deceived me in the way she handled the whole Israel thing, and I was right on the issues I presented to her in the text messages the day before, before they all escalated and exploded into a fight.  ...then my phone rang, it was her!

Ready for some kind of normal discussion, she called me up screaming at me about what an asshole I was, and how wrong I was, etc.  For the first time, I think ever in our marriage, I lost control.  I screamed back at her like a maniac.  She screamed at me like a maniac.  I couldn't believe the person I had become at that moment, it seriously felt like I was channeling my dad fighting with my mom when I was a young child before they divorced.  I mean, I was enraged, and so was she.  She was crying for the second time ever in our marriage, but even so, I thought to myself, "damn, I didn't know she knew how to cry."  Yes, that was an evil thought, but I was not in my proper state of mind.

I didn't back down by her crying, although I took note of its existence.  But I felt that I had a real issue here.  She deceived me and picked up and left the country all in a day's notice after talking about it for a number of months and not following up on it.  I don't know if I was more upset that she was flip-flopping so much, that she made one decision and by changing it so quickly, I felt that I couldn't trust her, that throughout all this fight, she didn't make the effort to read my e-mail or my explanation that I spent hours writing and thinking about (by the way, she *did* read it, but she told me she skipped over most of it because she felt "none of it was relevant.")  Not relevant.  That is what the whole fight was about.  I was telling her one thing, and she was hearing something completely different, ignoring me and making me feel invisible, insignificant, and unimportant, and it was me that would have to pick up the slack when she's gone and she didn't appreciate or consider it one bit.

In the midst of our screaming fight, I told her why I thought she deceived me, mentioning how she lowered the screen on the laptop so that I didn't see what she was doing.  She asked me if I was an idiot, and told me that there was a glare in her eye and so she moved the laptop away from her so that she could see me since I sat down at her.  The floor dropped out of my argument, but she kept hammering away at me.  I told her that my reactions were fully appropriate given the circumstances as I saw them, and given the way I interpreted a number of events to conclude that she deceived me, I had a right to be upset.

I thought this was a weak argument, but misunderstanding the situation if she indeed had a "glare" in her eye -- have you EVER had that happen to you?  I never have, but I'll take her at her word.  All in all, as I described the other pieces of "evidence" why I thought she deceived me, she accused me of having a sick, dark, and twisted mind where I take everything and turn it into a criminal attack scheme.  I couldn't defend myself because I didn't know whether she was wrong or not.  I *do* have a sick, twisted, and dark mind, and I do see things from the "glass half empty, how can I figure out who drank it" point of view.

Anyway, I was exhausted and was tired of fighting, especially since I know I was thoroughly misunderstood -- hey, I was just commenting that it would be nice if she spent some time on me rather than herself, and this whole fight erupted.

...then she started the "I'm not going.  I'm canceling my trip.  I don't feel safe leaving my kids with a monster like you" talk.  I was thoroughly horrified, and saddened, because that is what people say before they get divorced.  I was hurt and belittled, and I was weak inside and wanted to throw up.  How could she say I was a monster and that she didn't trust our kids with me?  What, as if I would hurt my own children? was she KIDDING?!?

In my mind, she really was no longer seeing me -- just some monster she painted in her eyes.  Even today I am very upset about this statement, even though she turned it around later and said, "I meant that I couldn't leave the kids period, with you, without you.  The focus was me, and what a bad mother I would be for leaving the kids for five days."  I decided not to get upset about this, but days later, I am still hurt because she DID use those words.

Anyway, so here she is not going to Israel, and it would be my fault.  I called her some hours later and convinced her to go.  I told her everything would be fine here, and that my mother would take care of the kids while she was gone.  I told her I would take off from work and pick my mom up at JFK and arrange everything.  She should just pack and go because she should go see her grandmother.  When I saw she was hesitating because she didn't want to give in to me, I told her that she wasn't giving in to me by going.  We still had a fight to have when she got back, but I wasn't angry at her and the fight had nothing to do with Israel, in fact at this point the fight seems pointless and I'm not sure I even want to bring it up again until we're healthier like I thought we were.

So she went.  We've spoken a few times, but she's irritated.  She hasn't said a word to me other than she saw her grandmother and she wasn't doing well.  I'm sure we're fine, but I am on edge, and I'm sad we had such a fight over really nothing.

Bottom line, I completely regret sending her those text messages, and in fact, I wish I left the phone at home that day.  I don't think my points were invalid, I just lost my cool and I'm not convinced it was entirely my fault.  I am an asshole as she described me, and I am a twisted, dark, pig-headed moron, especially after I misjudged so much of what happened.

But all in all, I'm confused how we can go from so loving and in such good shape to this with just a few text messages.  What kind of anger has she been harboring for me and me for her?  I'm really saddened by this whole course of events, and I wish I could just turn back the clock.  But undoubtedly, there ARE some SERIOUS issues that need marital counseling, and both you and I are not kidding.

We just have to find someone we trust, and we need to figure out a way not to go broke or get divorced while going through the sessions.

-Zoe

Letter to wife [over TXT MESSAGE FIGHT] who is leaving to Israel tomorrow to visit dying grandmother.

Dear wife,

Okay, so you wanted me to read the text messages so you can show me what an unstable asshole I really am.  Really you are mistaken, and I feel that each and every text comment is justified by more than one significant event.  I am really sorry that my words hurt you, but you misconstrued so much about what I said, and contributed to the conflagration of words that were shared.

Upfront, I am terribly sorry I hurt you.  I was unaware that my words would affect you the way they did, I was unaware of how you were feeling about your trip [partly because you neglected to share your feelings with me yet again and YES, it seemed to me like you were the little sister that wanted to be and to have what your big brother and sister had and you were childish in feeling that it was unfair that your parents were not giving you what the others got.  I really didn't get any concern from you about your feelings about this trip when you spoke about it, and it seemed like it was a "thing you should do" rather than something you were moved to do.  I know how horrifying this may seem, but this IS the picture you were giving out and don't tell me I wasn't paying attention to you or what you said.  This WAS the message you were giving off.]

On top of that, yesterday when I came home, I saw that you were on airline websites and you actively tried to deceive me and hide what you were doing from me.  I saw what you were doing, and I saw how you lowered the laptop screen as soon as I noticed what you were looking at.  When I asked you about it and how we would pay for it, you jokingly said with a chuckle, "oh, I figured we would figure out a way to pay for it."  This enraged me, especially knowing our financial picture and our previous discussions of how you acknowledged that going to Israel would destabilize us financially and we would be paying it back for months and months.

I walked over to the kitchen and thought to myself, "you think your friend is destructive?"  "YOU are destructive to our lives, our happiness, and to our livelihood."  In my head, I went through all of the huge big-ticket items we have paid for you, including the exercise bug that you enthusiastically paid for when we had nothing in our bank accounts, but you promised you would use it every day.  But you lied.  Just like you said you would get a job, just like you said you would get me slippers for our anniversary (which you not only forgot, but you never got a gift and you neglected to make time for us to go out after my begging you to go out countless times), and just like you said you would help me as my "project manager" in my law firm and you would cheerfully run errands and do tasks for me that needed to be done, only to back out and complain any time I gave you anything to do.  In short, you lied, you lied again, and you lied again.  It it thoroughly important for me in terms of my value hierarchy that I am able to trust you and I keep finding over and over again that you say you will do one thing and then you do another.  It hurts me deeply that I cannot trust your word and this newly renewed desire to visit Israel just because your brother did just seemed to be childish, especially at our family's expense.  However, I said nothing.  I smiled, and I kept this to myself.

This morning when you told me that you conveniently found tickets to Israel and that you were leaving tomorrow morning, and that my mom who is flying in will just have to figure it out for herself [this after you joking that you wanted to disappear for a few days while she was here] really hurt my feelings.  I was minimally upset that I would have to take off work to pick up my mom and this would cut into work hours we simply do not have the ability to take away from [we are barely making it financially if I max out the hours and here you were asking me to take a number of hours off from work to pick my mom up because you decided to flee the country]... I was upset when you didn't think about anything except for yourself, and you didn't concern yourself with how my mom was to be picked up, or how this will change my work schedule now that I'll have to spend more time home with the kids since I can't leave my mom there all day and night alone in the house with two needy children.  It made me mad when you said you hadn't thought about any of this, but instead of sharing that I was upset with you, I kept my mouth shut and you took that to mean that I was busy.  I successfully again avoided a fight.

Then I sent you the text message, "I am excited that you have been able to pull off this trip.  Your determination is admirable."  Consider that as if I was shooting a cannon across the bow of your ship.  I was testing the waters and giving you a chance to explain yourself such as, "this was very important to me," or, "yes, I know this happened fast and I know it will be a destabilizing experience for everyone. Thank you for being there for me." 

When I got none of this, I got angry.  Thinking about how you have your crazes about going to nursing school, or whatever your craze is for the moment where you spend days searching out every detail of a program only to not follow through with it yet again, I got upset that you always get what you want and that it bothered me that you were not considerate of anyone around you.  I thought of my mom and how she might not meet our youngest daughter, and I thought of the law firm, and how it would be so helpful if you took even the slightest amount of interest or effort in helping me get started just like you spend your attention and your energies getting something you really want.  It hurts me how everything you want is always at the cost of someone else, and that you don't consider other people when making decisions.  You didn't even ask me this morning if I would be okay with it.  You told me, "I found tickets and I am leaving tomorrow."  In other words, again, I'm doing what I want to do because I want to do it and I do not care how it affects you, our kids, or anyone around me.  I'm just doing what I want to do.  This upset me and thus I wrote the comment, "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us."

When you responded with "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?", I was upset that you completely misunderstood what I was saying.  Deciding YET AGAIN to avoid a fight, I responded, "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it.  Just wish u'd get me outta here."

In other words, I was sharing how I was feeling and was looking for some kind of recognition that if only you would spend a fraction of the effort you spend on things for yourself on me or on us, imagine what we could get done together. 

...at that point, instead of reading or thinking about what I was saying, you decided to start a fight.  "seriously? that seems to be a disgusting attitude. I wonder what you would be saying if this was Rivkah [my grandmother] dying?"  That was not a nice thing to say, and I wasn't having a disgusting attitude.  In fact, if anything, I was still being completely supportive and was just pointing out [albeit with terrible timing] that it would be nice if you spent some time on us rather than on your own pursuits [and yes, going to Israel yet again seemed to be a meritless pursuit.  Your mom suggested that you call your grandmother, talk to her for a few weeks, and only then decide whether you wanted to go to Israel or not.  I heard of ONLY ONE CALL you made to her, and as far as I understood, you lost interest in the pursuit, just like you do with everything else.  You only started talking about Israel again when your sister went and you felt left out.]

Seeing that you were clearly misunderstanding me, and that this had nothing to do with you visiting your dying grandmother, I responded very clearly sharing with you my thoughts.  Quite upset at this point, I said, "The speed @which u pulled 2gether this trip has made me so angry I dont think I can even look @u."  "You are obviously an idiot if you think I am talking about your grandma."

It wasn't until a few messages later that I realized you were needing support because this trip was somehow affecting you emotionally.  You didn't let that on at all in our conversations and in our previous conversations. I explained myself and why I was texting, and you responded, "i dont care about why you are upset. I am going to say good bye to my dying grandmother."

At that point, seeing that you still did not even pay one iota of attention to anything I said, I wrote, "You are a fake. You are selfish. You are insensitive and uncommitted.  You are lazy.  You are a liar."  I carefully chose each of these statements because I *am* feeling these things about you.  Seeing that these things hurt you, I won't go into them.

So now it is almost 1am, and I am going to sleep not knowing anything about what is happening tomorrow, or whether you made some sort of arrangement with my mom who will be arriving shortly before your departure.  I bought you medicine and I scored a significant client for the law firm, but I have nobody to share either with and you have acknowledged neither.  This whole ordeal has left us not speaking, and that makes me sad as well, especially since all I wanted to say is:

"It is baffling to me that when you get an idea or a desire in your head, you take action on it so fanatically that it always comes to fruition, regardless of how it happens, you make it happen.  I just wish you put the same effort into our life and our goals instead of the things you do put your time into.  I am in a dead-end position where I have no internet, no telephone, and no freedom to advance our situation.  Only you can help me help us move forward, and it bothers me that you don't make the effort to do so, but instead you only follow your own pursuits as if you and I had different goals.  This hurts me deeply."

So I hope you enjoy your trip to Israel.  I know it is not a vacation.  I will be here if you need someone to talk to, but I suspect you'll hang onto your anger for some time.  I'm here when you want to talk.

-Zoe

Follow-up to text message fight with wife.

Tonight after I got home, she wasn't speaking to me.  I had an appointment with a client, and so when she overheard that I will be going over to his house at 8:30pm, she texted me from the next room, "I need you to pick up medicine for my flight tomorrow!! I thought you had a phone appointment."

On my way over to the client, I picked up the medicine.  When I got home, I read Ahuva's response to my previous post and decided to apologize to her.  I said, "I'm sorry for the things I said.  They were hurtful, they were rude, and they were uncalled for."  She said that I was borderline mentally disturbed, and she called me a pig-something asshole, and then went off on how I am so rude to focus only on myself when all she's done for me is play "poor Zoe" these past few days.  Practically in tears, she screamed, "I am visiting my dying grandmother!  I am not going to Israel on a vacation.  Do you think I want to leave my kids for FIVE days?  I'm going to say goodbye you asshole!  And all you can think of is yourself... I can never forgive you for this..."  I said, "okay, don't forgive me then."  "I won't, I promise you," she said.

I really didn't defend myself at all tonight.  As I figured initially from the text messages, she completely misunderstood what I was saying, and when I elevated the conversation to be more direct, she got further insulted.  In the end, I don't think she has a clue as to what I was saying.  I do understand her, however, and I feel bad that she was hurt today.  However there is that part of me (most of me) which with every fiber of my being says that I am unhappy with the way she treats me as a husband and in a relationship; I am unhappy with the promises she has made and has broken so many times over, as I hold her to her word when she says she will do something; and I am unhappy with the unbalance that is between us -- me killing myself to support us and her living in comfort with the kids in daycare and her going out with her friends as if I am making six figures.  So many wives complain that their husbands just sit around and don't help out.  While my wife does do some cooking and cleaning, and she does take care of the kids, as for me and us, I feel like she does nothing to further our relationship or our future and she denies the dire financial situation we are in.

So now instead of relaxing, it is after 12am, and I have secured a client that I have been working on for months now.  I am very honored that she has decided to go with me; I will be writing her patent.  I came home tonight with a check and a signed contract.  I was smiling and very excited, but my wife was nowhere to be found.  When I peeped in the bedroom, she was asleep and not speaking to me, so I left the check on the table for her to see when she woke up.  She said nothing.

So what am I going to do now that it is after 12am?  Before she went to sleep, she shoved her laptop at me and said, "look at the text messages you wrote, and then you'll know why I am angry at you."  I printed up the text messages in the last message in the order in which the texts happened, and now I'm going to write her a letter explaining [not defending] myself.  I'll send it to her so she can read it once she arrives in Israel.

Fight with wife over SMS TEXT MESSAGES.

Okay, so again, I am the asshole.  I am the mean, pig-headed jerk who wronged my wife in her weak moments as she was planning to visit her dying grandmother.  Now she is not speaking to me.  Here are the texts as they actually happened.

[Spaces indicate that a pause of time has occurred, and the double-texts actually were sent to me that way -- her computer has a bug that sends double postings.  It happens on her facebook account as well.]

1:05PM ME: "I am excited that you have been able to pull off this trip.  Your determination is admirable."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
1:26PM ME: "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

HER: "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?"
HER: "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?"
1:55PM ME: "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it.  Just wish u'd get me outta here."

HER: "seriously? that seems to be a disgusting attitude. I wonder what you would be saying if this was Rivkah dying?"
2:02PM ME: "Didn't get your last message.  It was the same as the one before it."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
3:23PM ME: "The speed @which u pulled 2gether this trip has made me so angry I dont think I can even look @u."
HER: "now you are making me sick!!!!! absolutely disgusting how you are able to twist everything and make it so ugly."
4:42PM ME: "If that is your response then you are selfish and blind to things around you."
HER: "now you are making me sick!!!!! absolutely disgusting how you are able to twist everything and make it so ugly."
4:44PM ME: "You are obviously an idiot if you think I am talking about your grandma."
4:47PM ME: "You are an inconsiderate selfish person who is out of touch with the concept of us."
4:48PM ME: "And stop sending me DOUBLE MESSAGES. USE A COMPUTER WITHOUT A VIRUS."

HER: "i dont care about why you are upset. I am going to say good bye to my dying grandmother"
4:59PM ME: "I think I have a right 2 b hurt esp. since you still have no idea why Im upset despite my txts."
HER: "and you are making me do it alone! I need a supportive, kind husband, not a poor me lets talk aboutwhyiam sad"
5:03PM ME: "I Havent seen anything Youve been writing. You keep sending the same f'd up message over and over."
HER: "and you are making me do it alone! I need a supportive, kind husband, not a poor me lets talk aboutwhyiam sad"
5:07PM ME: "Moron."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

5:19PM ME: "You are a fake. You are selfish. You are insensitive and uncommitted.  You are lazy.  You are a liar."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]

5:32PM ME: "I am tired of you taking me for granted.  I am tired of being the only one in our relationship."
HER: [NO RESPONSE]
HER: "I will not be talking to you until you apologize to me. If you need help understanding why, i have your texts."

Okay, so I obviously made things much worse than they needed to be.

-Zoe

Selfish, Selfish, SELFISH!

I'm happy for my wife, yet I'm crying inside.  My wife dropped the idea of visiting her dying grandmother in Israel since my post a number of months ago, but now that her sister and dad just went, she wants to go too.  She does not realize that her sister is married and has a house, no school loans or daycare costs, AND a full-time job where she makes close to $50K/yr, and her sister's husband is in advertising and makes close to $80/yr with full benefits.  We are barely making ends meet on my temporary document review salary which is less than $50K if we're lucky.  I think it is selfish for her to think that we can afford it.

So last night I see her visiting airline sites -- kayak.com, delta.com, etc.  When I was in view of the computer, she lowered the laptop screen so I wouldn't see what she was doing, but I noticed.  Then she told me she was looking for tickets.  When I asked her how she would pay, she said, "I was thinking that we'd figure something out."  By the way, our financial picture is SO DIM that we cannot even pay this month's coming rent or our credit card bills.  This is the second month in a row this has been the case.  I smiled and walked away deciding not to make a fight over it and hoping again that she drops the whole idea of going because we simply cannot afford it.

This morning she calls me all excited telling me that her parents have agreed to pay for her ticket to Israel, and that she would be leaving to Israel tomorrow morning.  My mom consequently has tickets to come visit for a week to see our new baby (which will now be going on the plane with my wife the entire time she is in Israel); she will be arriving tomorrow.  (Now I will have to take off work to pick her up or have her take a taxi to an empty apartment which is disrespectful.)  Initially, the plan was that my mom was coming to help out, but then when she dropped the idea of going to Israel some months ago, my mom booked tickets anyway to make it a vacation.  Now my mom is forced to play babysitter again for a week, and I don't think it is fair to have asked her this again after the changed expectations.

So I got off the phone with her without voicing any disagreements or fights, but I was roaring with flames inside.  I sent her text message #1, "I find it admirable that you are able to pull off this trip" followed around 20 minutes later with text message #2, "I never know why you can achieve goals for you but you can never help achieve goals for us."  She responds, "that seemed rude. do you mean why dont i ask my parents for money for other things that are important to u?"   Horrified that she completely and obliviously misunderstood me, I decided not to start a fight, so I replied, "No. Your just good @getting things done when u put ur mind 2 it. Just wish u'd get me outta here."

In other words, this whole Israel trip thing again sparked my flaming frustration in that my wife only does what is good for her or for the kids.  When it comes to doing good for me, she does the absolute minimum.  This is not the same with me; I treat her well and give her everything she needs -- financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  I also spend time being a good father and a good husband when it comes to the kids and the household chores.

It just makes me so angry and so sad that here I am, stuck in this G-d foresaken document review project which pays net in the low $20's per hour without any benefits, where all internet is completely blocked and where there is nothing for us to do except sit at our computers and work all day and night.  We are forced to take an unpaid lunch break, which kills an hour of each day.  I can't search the web for better jobs.  I can't move forward to grow my law practice.  I can't make or answer phone calls with clients because there is almost no privacy.  I cannot even goof off and surf the web (not like I would).  But here is my wife, at home with two of our kids in daycare each day, at home with our 9-month old who is now crawling.  She does whatever minimum housework she feels like, and whatever else she wants to do, she does.  Sometimes it is laundry, other times it is an outing with one of her friends.  Sometimes she cooks.  I feel like she has no responsibilities other than as a mother and I am furious that she is not helping me get out of this terrible situation that I am in.  I am doing the lawyerly equivalent of flipping burgers at Burger King and I cannot get out of this hellhole of a vacuum of a document review project, and I could use just a little bit of help from someone to give me a lifeline so that I can properly get some footing financially and start my practice.

I feel that she should get a job to help at least save up for us to pay for healthcare or to help me start my law firm or to ease my burdens in supporting our family at $23/hour.  She used to offer that she would help me with the law firm, but she has done almost NOTHING I have asked her to do.  Every time I ask her to do anything, it is a burden and she complains and moans about how much of her free time during the day it will take away from her if she has to do the task I asked her to do.  Then when I tell her again exactly what I need her to do and she agrees to do it, she still doesn't do it.

I set up a law firm e-mail for her weeks ago and I gave her a number of things to do, but she hasn't even logged into her e-mail once!  She pretends to have an interest in my law firm and working for it every time I tell her to get a job, but then she never does anything when I ask her to do it.  She takes ABSOLUTELY NO INITIATIVE in moving it or us forward.

I am so frustrated, and I feel as if as selfish as I am, I got what I deserved in a wife.

Hell, how do I file a law suit? Status on life.

I wanted to take a moment and reflect on where I am in life.  I have started receiving so many phone calls about mortgage foreclosure and bankruptcy, an area that I have spent the past few months learning about.

All in all, I believe I am ready to get started accepting clients, but my only question is... How the hell do I file a lawsuit, how do I know what kind of cause of action I should use, how do I file for an injunction, and what kind of pleadings do I use?

You would think that an attorney would know how to do such things, but believe it or not, we were never taught actual practice of law in law school.

I spoke to a bankruptcy attorney [also on the document review project]; he called doing the work we do "contract work," and he referred to it as a disease.  He has his own practice (just as I am starting my own), but he said that when he doesn't have clients, to bankroll his practice, he does contract work to pay the bills and keep the lights on.

I have a slightly different idea.  My wife and I are looking for some loan source so that I can start working full time right away.  Hitting the ground running at full speed is more likely in my opinion to yield results than dipping my toe in here and there.  The problem is that I don't see contract work as a disease; I see it as bitter-sweet shackles which stops me from getting started or succeeding in starting a firm.  It does pay the bills (most of the time, except these past few weeks where we almost couldn't pay the rent, and we even fought over this during an overly insensitive moment I had a few days back), but it absolutely KILLS all my time.

On another note, my COBRA health insurance runs out next month, and my wife and I do not have any alternative.  Paying for a plan seems so expensive and Obamacare is at least a few years out (and it will probably be legislated out of existence come November anyway).  We applied for the State's health welfare program, but we make too much money and were denied.  My wife and I have joked about how to get on medicare (think child #4), but the kids and me would still not be covered.  We will reapply for the State's health insurance program as soon as I lose my COBRA.  The reason we were denied was because they were all covered under my current plan which is still in effect until the end of November.

-Zoe

Starbucks employee, "You're allergic to metal spoons?"

Okay so I'm at the same Starbucks as I was last time, and I ordered my usual Venti coffee topped off with a bit of cold soy milk (parve, obviously).  This time, however, the woman behind the counter takes a LARGE METAL SPOON, sticks it into my coffee, and asks me something.

I didn't hear what she said because in my mind all I heard were the "wahkwahwah" sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher used to sound like.  I couldn't believe for me, that my coffee just achieved the equivalent status of Burger King.  Obviously it was kosher still [for someone who does not keep Cholov Yisroel], but that spoon was almost CERTAINLY considered dairy (or worse, traif), and my coffee was very hot.

So I apologized and told her that due to my very strict dietary restrictions, I cannot have any metal spoons in my coffee.  I know I phrased it weird, but I wasn't about to explain kashrus to a teenage Starbucks employee.  She understood me as saying that I had some allergic reactions to metal.  I held back a chuckle, and then commented that it was that way with me and dairy as well, so not to worry.

So for the past few minutes, I've been hearing her whisper to her co-worker that "I've never heard of anyone having an allergy to metal spoons!"

Later, she asked me if I can put a wooden spoon in the coffee for her to stir it for me.  Seeing that she had an unused wooden [stick] stirrer in her hands, I told her that would be fine.

We live in a silly silly world. :)

-Zoe