Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Lifting the Veil of Fog (so, Waking).

I am writing this after having experienced a re-awakening after a few days, but last Wednesday after writing the "dying" article, I resolved that the current vitamin regimen wasn't working, and that I would go back to the DHA that was working for me.

I ordered it last Wednesday, and it arrived the following day.  I took 300mg of the vitamin on Thursday night, and then again on Friday morning again.

Friday morning, I lay on the floor of my office taking one nap after another ("Alexa, set alarm for 15 minutes" over and over again), and around noontime, something weird happened.  I felt as if the veil of fog lifted from before me.

"That was weird," I thought.  All of a sudden, I was able to think, and not just think, but I could think clearly... about life, about work, about goals, and so I grabbed a pen and paper, and started goalsetting (something I have not done in weeks).

I called my wife and said, "I don't know what has come over me, and I hope it is a permanent thing, but for the first time in weeks, I can think clearly.  I am almost afraid this is a fluke, but whatever it was -- whether it was the Alter Rebbe's Tanya I started learning deeply, or the new vitamin (likely the vitamin), it was working."

I wish my wife was more supportive, but it seemed as if she was happy to hear the good news, but she didn't really appreciate what a big deal it was.  I think she sees me as lazy or unmotivated, and this hurts.

Anyway, I wish I could make this article more exciting for you, but really, that is all I have to share.  It is now five days later, and I have maintained the clarity, but I still don't like the idea that my ability to think is hinged on my maintaining some drug or vitamin chemical level in my brain.  I wish I functioned well without having the need to DO anything or TAKE anything.  My inability to think without vitamins or chemicals makes me feel flawed.

Anyway, it is the late afternoon on Wednesday, and I did not take my afternoon vitamins (nor have I had my afternoon coffee), and I am feeling a bit down in the dumps.  I am lacking motivation, but I understand that it is not that I have no motivation; I am simply not feeling it.

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