Monday, April 20, 2009

Just a few abstract thoughts.

I've come a long way from the wandering boy in law school looking for a life of meaning and power. I can't say I'm a better person, in fact I'm sure I'm not. What I could say is that I've learned to take care of others in ways I used to only take care of myself. I've learned to take pleasure in the happiness of others, and to share in their joy and more. While I'm not as protected as I used to be, I'm more hidden. There are expectations that the person I was yesterday will be the person I will be tomorrow. I wouldn't try to change anything, except that I don't think I have much more to become other than smarter, kinder, more selfless, and more in control of my surroundings. Control...

Control is the one thing that I have given up, and it is the one thing that has freed me from my need of it. It's the source of my anger, my disappointment, and my frustration, and it is the seed of my enmity towards others both large and small. Yet as much as I have released my talons over control, it has not left me in the slightest bit, but it still lurks like a shark, surfacing in ways that make me take a deep breath and will it away. I am the ocean and the beasts that swim within are my thoughts. Should they be seen above the surface, they would become a spectacle, so they swim in the deep dark blue where eyes cannot see them. Control...

I am an actor, and a good one because by deep breath, I am able to convince myself that I am headed down the right path, and the current that is lapping at my calves gently show me the way in which I should allow us to flow. G-d has brought me here, and G-d will bring me there, and the surrender is with consternation but a sigh of relief - there is no relief, just a float down a stream that can turn dark, vicious, and violent at any time and I would be caught without a boat, without oars, or without knowledge, direction, or discretion.

The world is kind, the world is benevolent, the world is evil, disgusting, and self-serving. Society is just, society is voracious, with unkempt teeth that could rip through tin. Yet it smiles an evil smile as it consumes and shows a clown face with makeup smeared in the wretched place that distorts kindness into shock. If only I could let these animals stay beneath the surface all will be calm. But they do stir.

Only days will pass before I've closed this chapter of our picture perfect existence, the husband wearing ties and dress shirts to work, carrying his most treasured briefcase of soft brown scratched leather. The evil has prevailed and I have been benefited through the evil. It has become a tool for good yet it still will be punished greatly for hurting the good among us. And yet others unknowing will be rewarded for their unkind deeds without knowing why judgment is not sent their way. Haman will hang and Achashveirosh will remain king and Esther his stranger.

I'm doing what I think is the right thing to do; there is so much uncertainty that I don't know what else to do. My wife was not happy here - not with this life I have given her, not away from her home away from home. I can't stay here in good conscience knowing that the one I'm supposed to love and protect isn't happy. I don't think it's her fault either. We're both allowed to make our lives better and easier to live. We also - if we do it right - hopefully make it better for the other as well. I trust that there is a profitable job after all this work despite the number of times G-d has shown me my lack of value. I don't think I'm great in the least bit, and by dirt as my sky I can attest that I have no value other than who I am, how I act, and what I know. I could control the latter two, the first are my cards.

I'm tired of trying to forge my own path. I'd rather just take a deep breath, hold it until my body floats to the surface, and look at the sky as the sun distorts my vision until everything is white with shapes. I'm tired of trying to make sense of my life and trying to piece together my skills to find my path. I don't know what to do, where to turn, or with whom to speak but all I can do is just sit still and pray that I will be taken care of by the one who finds the most value in his creation. Tatty.


Meir said...

Best of luck to you. All your readers on this blog, I'm sure, are rooting for you.

Eli said...

Do you have a mashpia? If not I'd recommend following our Sages advices, make the Rebbe happy, and get yourself a good one.