Thursday, June 28, 2012

Reflection on the vacation.

So almost one week has passed since we returned home from our crazy vacation.  My memories of it are that parts of it were rewarding -- taking each one of my kids individually into the waves of the beach, and jumping over them -- teaching my daughter how to "breathe" under water (essentially, holding her breathe and opening her eyes under water; this was important to her because before this, she was afraid of putting her head into the water out of fear that she'll drown) -- but the rest of it was so much damn work (and in my opinion, not so rewarding).  We didn't do anything except go to restaurants, schlep the kids all over the place from one "activity" to another [this wasn't a vacation for us, but for them -- but quite frankly, they would have had just as good a time spending it at the parks and on Long Island], and as far as I am concerned, it was flat out EXHAUSTING.  I won't even mention expensive.

We drove all the way home in one shot, my wife and I taking turns driving (pretty much me driving the whole way, and my wife driving a total of three or four hours, but who was counting), and overcaffination via energy drinks (too many at the same time) got us home.  I was WIPED OUT.

Shabbos came and went, and on Sunday, silly us, we drove to a water park on Long Island for the day.  It was grueling hot, and it was pretty much non-stop holding the kids, playing with them, and carrying them.  I forgot my sunscreen long-sleeved jacket, so I was shirtless, and even with lots of sunscreen, I got burned all over.  My whole body is pretty much aching, and I'm exhausted from the whole ordeal.

I was showering this morning, and part of me felt a bit sad.  Since we started our trip (and even before, since we started seeing a marriage counselor), I've been a bit sad.  Parts of me in the past that have hurt regarding wounds in our marriage -- well, I've put those away pretending they weren't there (or just dealing with the fact that they won't be dealt with), but now that we're seeing someone, I don't know why, but I've been filled with a bit of sadness.  I don't feel a connection from my wife, and quite frankly, I'm not really interested in being the one to light the spark each time.  I really am just tired out physically, and drained emotionally.  I am overwhelmed by the kids, and I have little patience for them.  I am hurt by my wife for forcing me to get an office outside the home, because now I have no relaxation or rest, and I'm suffering on many levels alone in a room which is now my prison.

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