Monday, December 10, 2012

I live the life of a regular father. B'H.

I'm guessing that since I just wrote that dismal post about work, I figured I would share how I am doing at home.

In short, my relationship with my wife and my kids is very good.  My wife and I have been trying very hard to implement the tools we have learned from the therapist, and I apologize up front for not keeping up with the teachings.

Essentially, the main thing that we have learned is that every reaction from your partner deserves to be taken seriously, even when they are illogical, when they make no sense or are blown out of proportion, or even when the accusations, anger, frustration falsely accuse you of saying, doing, or thinking something you didn't, and even when your partner is flat out wrong and out of line.  No matter what the circumstances, if they are angry or edgy, deal with it and accept them for who they are.  This obviously goes both ways because quite frankly, if I were the woman here, I wouldn't deal with the piece of sh*t I am with all my flaws.

Anyway, I find that often our fights have turned into something like this:

ME: "I'm upset about so-and-so topic."
HER: "You're wrong.  It happened this way."
ME: "I don't care if I am making this up entirely! I am feeling this way bottom line, and you are supposed to accept it as being true because you are supposed to validate my feelings and I am feeling vulnerable and I need your support."
HER: "Well you have just triggered me too, so our conversation is over."
ME: "Okay, sorry for getting you upset.  We'll continue this fight later, but I'm still angry about it."

I find that many of our fights are just the result of moments of vulnerabilities where one or both of us are overwhelmed, tired, sad, or angry about something, and the other one of us is not there emotionally to help the other.  No matter what we fight about, usually after the initial anger or hurt passes, the feelings pass as well and it becomes very easy to talk about it once the emotion associated with the event has passed.

Anyway, as far as our kids go, all is okay as well.  My wife and I are good parents, and we pride ourselves on the hard work we do for our childrens' benefit.  Obviously we could certainly be better at almost every facet of our parenting skills, but notwithstanding our broken pasts (mine from abandonment and abuse, and my wife's from emotional neglect), we do pretty darn good.

As far as religion goes, we're also pretty good.  The focus of many of our conversations is halacha (Jewish Law), and how it relates to a particular situation we are dealing with.  I am strong in my Torah learning (I could be so much better, but objectively I am strong), and I have a good head on my shoulders.  I study gemara (Talmud) every day according to the Daf Yomi schedule, and I enjoy learning every day.

In the evenings, I sit down in front of the computer and I either watch some show online or play a video game.  I know this is a complete waste of time and brain power, but I enjoy it and so does my wife.  We obviously spend a considerable amount of time talking before the nightly Netflix, and so the night is my favorite time of the day.

Exercise has been horrible for me.  I can't get myself out of bed (I actually wake up between 5am-6am every day), and when I do force myself to fling myself out of bed, I fight with myself whether I should go to minyan, learn some Gemara, or go to the gym.  Having a coffee and learning some Gemara usually wins out, except when I make the mistake and check my work e-mail.  Then my day is destroyed because that's all I do.

I work hard out of the home in my office (I used to work in the home and it annoyed my wife), and I come home between 6pm-7pm every day.  I play with the kids, eat something, and then put them to bed.

This is pretty much my life.  I live the life of a regular father.  B'H.


Anonymous said...

The Rebbe said, "Action is the main thing". Please exercise. Your kids need you. Also, maybe learn some chassidus with the Gemara for chizuk. blessings

Anonymous said...

you don't need to go to the gym. get a recumbent bike and you can browse the computer while you workout. It's a great low impact workout and you don't have to leave home. great investment; they're not expensive.