Monday, July 18, 2011

Afraid Hashem is firing a shot across the bow.


First of all, this is the first time I have gone through my e-mail since December, 2010.  I am floored, honored, shocked, and a bit embarrassed that many of you read the blog.  For a while, I thought this was merely my sounding board for people who hated my guts and called me all sorts of names.  I liked it because for once, I got an honest answer to the issues that were bothering me in life.  Now I just checked my e-mail, and holy smokes, you actually read this stuff!  As if the dysfunctional parts of my life are fodder for your reading pleasure.  I actually almost cried because I felt cared for when I read all your e-mails, and I apologize for not returning any of them.

I usually don't write because I really have nothing to say.  I'm working my law firm out of our bedroom closet, and we've made more money than ever and I'm scared as hell that this won't last.

I've been successful in my niche area [which kills me that I can't talk to you about it because there are so few people doing what I'm doing], but the problem is that where a few months ago I was pulling in weeks where the firm was making $9K-$12K a week -- don't get me wrong -- this happened only a few times -- my average these past few weeks has been $1,000 - $2,000 per week.  That's still more than I was making at document review, but it is no longer so impressive.

While on the surface it appears as if the niche area of law I've been working on has had its time, I have this sneaking suspicion that our berachas are running out.  G-d has given me such an opportunity to allow me to be frum and I've blown it by not davening with tallis and tefilin, and by separating myself from our community.

Today, I almost cried because we got a check for $1,000, but the help the new client needed was moot and so I e-mailed him that I was going to return his check because I couldn't help him.  I told my wife that I was sure that this was Hashem firing a shot across the bow.  He is saying, "I gave you this parnossa; I can take it away at any time."  But all over me not davening?!?  This kills me.  I am so strong in so many areas of yiddishkeit -- kashrus, Shabbos, learning Torah, especially nigleh!  I spend roughly an hour each day learning torah, and over Shabbos, sometimes I learn up to four or five hours.  Plus, whenever I get bored, instead of picking up a book on whatever, I usually grab for something torah-oriented.  I love learning!  I hate davening.

Anyway, that's it for now.  I'm wiped out because our kids have gotten into the bad habit of waking up at 5:30am, and this infuriates me because I really don't do well with getting enough sleep.  As you all know, when I become sleep deprived, I am not at my best.  My days start by how I wake up, and the way I have been waking up lately has made me a mess.


Kiley said...

Seriously, each and every one of us are beyond replaceable in our respective niches anymore; there's MANY doing what you do now (yes I am more than well aware of it), and you need to ride the tide and save while you can, being always willing to twist and bend to what is needed and lucrative as time goes by. I am actually a bit concerned that you keep adding to the brood without necessarily thinking about what will happen when hit a downturn, but it's up to you and your wife to decide if being wise to all of mankind and choosing to regulate your births, rather than contribute to poverty-ridden overpopulation, is what you want to do. Please be careful.

Ahuva said...

He doesn't have a choice about adding to the brood; he's Chabad.

My personal take on it is that it's a message from Hashem that you need to save as much as you possible can-- a year or more of salary (you're current average salary, not document review) if at all possible. Cut the spending sprees... live like you were making say double the document review salary and then save the rest. You're going to need a larger place as your children grow. They're going to eventually have dayschool tuitions. Eventually they're going to have bar mitzvahs and weddings.

Save. Don't waste what Hashem is giving you.

Anonymous said...

I am almost speechless. You are always reading into everything. just live a good life...the best you can today and the same for tomorrow and the next day. I agree with the first comment regarding creating so many kids! I cannot see how having so many kids can possibly be helpful to your already walking on eggshells relationship. Take a break of having babies and work on the wife and children you already have. There are only so many hours in a day. Kids need your time. It does not even sound like your wife treasures or enjoys the time she has with the kids. correct me if I am wrong.

Anonymous said...

Personally I do not believe God will punish you for not saying your prayers. If you don't enjoy saying them which is what you say, how about saying them in your first language, thanking God for all of your daily gifts. This makes prayer meaningful for you, thus bringing you closer to God.

Zoe Strickman said...

Interesting point regarding prayer. I have a lot to say to G-d; I talk to Him all day long. Every step is with him in mind, whether I am obeying His will or breaking it in His full view. Metaphorically seeing Him as a father, I wish I was a better son.