Monday, July 18, 2011
Afraid Hashem is firing a shot across the bow.
I usually don't write because I really have nothing to say. I'm working my law firm out of our bedroom closet, and we've made more money than ever and I'm scared as hell that this won't last.
I've been successful in my niche area [which kills me that I can't talk to you about it because there are so few people doing what I'm doing], but the problem is that where a few months ago I was pulling in weeks where the firm was making $9K-$12K a week -- don't get me wrong -- this happened only a few times -- my average these past few weeks has been $1,000 - $2,000 per week. That's still more than I was making at document review, but it is no longer so impressive.
While on the surface it appears as if the niche area of law I've been working on has had its time, I have this sneaking suspicion that our berachas are running out. G-d has given me such an opportunity to allow me to be frum and I've blown it by not davening with tallis and tefilin, and by separating myself from our community.
Today, I almost cried because we got a check for $1,000, but the help the new client needed was moot and so I e-mailed him that I was going to return his check because I couldn't help him. I told my wife that I was sure that this was Hashem firing a shot across the bow. He is saying, "I gave you this parnossa; I can take it away at any time." But all over me not davening?!? This kills me. I am so strong in so many areas of yiddishkeit -- kashrus, Shabbos, learning Torah, especially nigleh! I spend roughly an hour each day learning torah, and over Shabbos, sometimes I learn up to four or five hours. Plus, whenever I get bored, instead of picking up a book on whatever, I usually grab for something torah-oriented. I love learning! I hate davening.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm wiped out because our kids have gotten into the bad habit of waking up at 5:30am, and this infuriates me because I really don't do well with getting enough sleep. As you all know, when I become sleep deprived, I am not at my best. My days start by how I wake up, and the way I have been waking up lately has made me a mess.