I have been reading many books on anger lately because I would really like to get rid of the pent-up feelings I have been holding onto so tightly for so many years. Obviously harboring such feelings is not good for my health, and it is certainly not good for my marriage or for the well-being of my children. The goal is to be a more "calm" and loving father rather than a distracted father who gets headaches quite frequently. It daunts me that when I exchange a cute smile with my now four-month-old infant that I get a whole-face headache as if I am in physical pain from the happiness. Or, when I have a great time with the kids, my heart hurts and I find that I need time to recuperate as if I was just punched in the gut, as if painful memories that happened so many years ago creep up on me.
So I am seeing a therapist who is helping me with my anger and issues relating to having a difficult time connecting with people, and at my request, he is helping me see patterns in my current feelings that have their source in my past. Why? So that I can learn to release and overcome the old feelings -- this appears to be the modern-day psychology version of "healing" -- so that my heart can open and so I can be "present" with my children and my wife and so that I can experience healthy feelings and interact with my family in ways that too will help them feel loved.
But man is this a painful thing to go through. I know because for some reason, old feelings have been coming up out of nowhere saying, "take care of me too, please," and when they pass through me, it hurts and I want to cry. Yeah, right, me cry. I mean, they pass through me and I cringe my face in pain, close my eyes, and breath. I think, "this is an old feeling that didn't get a chance to be expressed many years ago. I am lucky to be experiencing this now because that means that the old feeling (whatever it related to) is now being healed." What bugs me is that I know that it is my natural inclination to push the feelings away once again and prevent them from affecting me. But I know that this is the reason I am closed emotionally, and this is the thing I need to "fix."
In my heart, I know that if I really want to make some headway in this "releasing" thing, I should probably dig up my old courses on the Sedona Method, because the whole concept taught by the Sedona Method was all about releasing feelings.
On a related note, I am also reading "the untethered soul" by Michael Singer, a book which also talks about releasing and a bunch more. I have found it helpful in my search for resolving old feelings, and I am enjoying the book.
Lastly -- and I will go into this in more depth in another post -- the weird thing in my life is that in my search for healing and understanding of the world around me, it seems as if various "holographic" theory-type books keep finding their way to me. I have also spent a lot of time reading Robert Scheinfeld's books on Phase 2 thinking -- a topic for a later post.