Okay, so I understand that my last post or so was a bit too much to handle. I was essentially telling you that the world is not real, all at the same time you are banging your head against the table asking, "you tellin' me this doesn't hurt?!?"
I'm not being an idiot. Obviously we are living in a reality that we cannot disconnect ourselves from. And, I'm contending with concepts like free will, and -- are we merely an observer plugged in and irrevocably connected to our digital body self until death?? And, if we are merely an observer of thoughts, feelings, events, people, and ourselves -- a higher self or soul or whatever having a "human" experience, are these "things" that are happening a reflection of ourselves? Are we deciding where we will go in life? Or am I -- the entity of sorts -- creating this experience and the player that I call "me" AND the world I'm living in for my own personal growth?
I was grappling with this, because it is a mistake to say that I am a "passive observer irrevocably trapped and imprisoned" in the mind of my body, because perhaps "ein od milvado," or "Hashem's creative power" is the one that is creating this world around me and the people in it for the purpose of giving my soul an experience. Or, perhaps the purpose is to build a "dirah b'tachtonim," or a dwelling place for Hashem, but I'm not yet there in reconciling that thought. But the real REASON we are here is not clear to anyone because we CANNOT know anything other than the reality we are plugged into. So this is perhaps an exercise of futility, right?
Let's pretend that Hashem's creative power is creating the world, and my consciousness (which could be my awareness of myself, or it could be my neshama or whatever) being nullified to Hashem's creative power but sensing itself through the miraculous tzimtzumim is watching a movie where "reality" is happening. But is it "me" who is typing this article? Is it "me" who decided to write? Is the desire to communicate and write coming from me? I feel it in "my" heart, but am I real? Or, as an observer of this "reality," am I watching myself have these thoughts, make these decisions, and live this life?
I am going around in circles because it appears as if science is now saying that we are living in a hologram of sorts, as if we are experiencing a movie. I could envision on a crude level myself at some point in the future taking off a virtual reality headset when "I" die, and while it appears as if I have lived 120 years, perhaps only a few hours has passed. Perhaps the virtual reality headset was running a program called "the life of Zoe Strickman." I wouldn't know this until I take off the headset. But on some level, my experience is the life IN the headset, and I cannot do anything about it.
But perhaps it is not a linear movie that has a start, a middle, or an end. Perhaps my movie can be influenced by my higher self, just as the characters in "The Hunger Games" were given gifts to help them survive their game. Perhaps the higher "me" -- the guy wearing the VR headset -- can change my world or escalate my experience to "Level 2" when I beat the boss or complete the objectives of "Level 1." Maybe my world is a game, and I am the player my higher self plugs himself into.
Whatever, who cares. I am upset that when sharing this with my wife after having an inkling of rapport, she opened up to some concept of death that affected her personally, and I missed it. I didn't realize she was having a "moment," and I continued on my thought process. So as a result, she shut down and there was a mini-fight. And I feel rotten because I wanted to be aware of those moments so that I can connect with her, and I suck because I missed it.
Being a husband is so damn difficult. It's like being a soldier on watch for the slightest dot on my radar screen, and if I miss it, forget about it -- I'm nuked. Why can't things be easier? Why is everything regarding intimacy, trust, and having a connection a test?!? I don't test her; why does she test me? No fair.