Zoe Strickman, the jerk husband. Learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them.

Okay, now for the good juicy stuff. Yes, I am a jerk, and highly imperfect and all of that. I don't mean to be bad, but I just am.

In short, with the time change, as I've done in previous years, I continued to wake up at the same time without changing MY clock. That way, I wake up at 5:45am instead of at 4:45am; I get to minyan at 7:30am instead of at 6:30am; I get to work at 10am instead of at 9am. Why? All because I didn't change my clocks when everyone else did.

However, this year, I was trying to enroll and to convince my wife to do the same thing. When she objected about the baby waking up at 5am, I told her I would watch him. I didn't realize that meant that I'll be babysitting from 5am until 7:30am as is what happened this morning while my wife slept. Hence, I felt my wife tricked me into this and so we had a fight upon me getting to work. Pasted below is the resolution IM, but in truth, it just shows what an jerk I can be for trying to maintain the status quo.

(12:23:33 PM) You feel a disturbance in the force...
(12:23:33 PM) Wife: see me now
(12:23:37 PM) Zoe Strickman: yup, hi. :)
(12:23:41 PM) Wife: hi
(12:23:45 PM) Zoe Strickman: Did you vote?
(12:23:47 PM) Wife: i am getting ready to go vote
(12:23:53 PM) Zoe Strickman: cool.
(12:23:54 PM) Wife: not yet
(12:24:05 PM) Zoe Strickman: Listen, I was thinking about it and I owe you a big apology.
(12:24:17 PM) Wife: WOW

(12:24:21 PM) Wife: im listening
(12:24:25 PM) Wife: and flowers
(12:24:38 PM) Zoe Strickman: I thought yesterday was SO nice and today took me by surprise.
(12:24:44 PM) Zoe Strickman: Yes, I owe you flowers.
(12:24:51 PM) Zoe Strickman: And then some.
(12:25:01 PM) Zoe Strickman: Here's the apology:
(12:25:04 PM) Wife: k
(12:27:39 PM) Zoe Strickman: You've been so wonderful to me and to our son lately and I know you've been working soooooooooooo hard and I've been less than cooperative with you. There was no reason to get upset at you and link all past hurts to this one misunderstanding we had this morning -- and I did say what you thought I said, but I misunderstood the details of that statemtent that I would take care of our son in the mornings so that we can stay on the old clock system, and I didn't realize that it would mean that you would be sleeping in in the mornings because that doesn't work for me. [more]
(12:31:24 PM) Zoe Strickman: ...and I felt taken advantage of because of the misunderstanding. Really, I should have been more helpful and understanding rather than throwing a pissy attitude. I am sorry for my reaction and for saying and thinking the things that I thought and the things that I said. We will need to re-discuss the benefits of staying on the old clock because our understandings of the conversation were different. Please forgive me for my attitude this morning, and my accusations over the IM as well.
(12:33:12 PM) Zoe Strickman: I love you very much and I don't always get a chance to show you that I appreciate what you're doing, and although I disagree often with the way you approach and execute certain goals, I give you space to see whether that approach will work or not. I guess I was feeling hurt that I thought you broke our deal, that you took advantage of me, and that you were doing things on your own that I should have been a part of (an older issue where I felt that you didn't respect my opinions).
(12:33:33 PM) Zoe Strickman: [more]
(12:34:52 PM) Zoe Strickman: Instead, I should have identified that we had a misunderstanding this morning, and that I should have calmly discussed it with you rather than getting upset. I shouldn't have even gotten upset -- this whole issue could have been resolved with a cheerful supportive attitude and a smile.
(12:37:40 PM) Zoe Strickman: Additionally, I could have / should have taken a more active role in your attempts to get our son sleeping in his own bed, but under the surface, I was and still am slightly hurt by your approach so I've let you figure it out on your own without participating. My idea of being helpful was the almost 8-10 times (I'm not kidding) I went to get him last night. It was literally every few minutes to every half an hour and I thought I was being very helpful by jumping to get him last night while I let you sleep. Then when you didn't immediately wake up this morning, I was hurt and felt unappreciated.
(12:40:40 PM) Zoe Strickman: So the problem about the sleep issue was not whether I was helpful last night, but it was whether I was taking a more helpful, supportive, and active role more generally with the issue -- and the answer was that I was totally insupportive (meaning not unsupportive, but not caring about the outcome to help or not help) when I really should have taken a more sensitive and active role. I'm sure there are probably many more areas which haven't even crossed my mind where this also applies and I am just the selfish husband who only cares about his own routine.
(12:41:00 PM) Zoe Strickman: So for *ALL THIS* and then some, will you please forgive me?
(12:41:45 PM) Zoe Strickman: PS - When you vote, make sure to get an "I Voted" sticker so that you can get free coffee today at Starbucks on the way home.
(12:42:27 PM) Wife: yes, I forgive you. And thank you for being sensitive enough to see where you were being unreasonable.
(12:43:06 PM) Wife: and when you get home we can talk about the fact that you felt i didnt involve you in changing his sleeping habits
(12:43:35 PM) Wife: and how we can change that cause he still doesnt have good sleeping habits
(12:44:08 PM) Wife: and i cant have starbucks today cause i had my coffee and you sent me this post about not over doing caffiene
(12:47:07 PM) Zoe Strickman: [I thought you were still typing.]
(12:47:19 PM) Wife: oh no that was it
(12:47:34 PM) Zoe Strickman: ok, good so we'll talk when I get home tonight.
(12:47:47 PM) Wife: ok.
(12:47:59 PM) Wife: i feel much happier now thank you
(12:48:07 PM) Wife: i was in a rotten mood this whole time
(12:50:00 PM) Wife: also dont forget to fax the letter and email the rabbi.
(12:50:29 PM) Wife: k going to vote
(12:50:44 PM) Zoe Strickman: ok phone
(12:53:34 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'm so so sorry you were in a rotten mood. Totally my fault.
(12:54:18 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'm glad this conversation put you at ease. It must be terrible not feeling appreciated, especially after all the incessant work you do.
(12:54:52 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'll fax the letter and write Rabbi Teitelbaum right now. I mailed the other letter this morning.
(12:55:04 PM) Wife: great thanks
(12:55:09 PM) Zoe Strickman: Good luck voting! I'm sure it will be a great experience.
(12:55:17 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'll see you tonight.
(12:55:26 PM) Wife: i decided to walk there
(12:55:37 PM) Wife: it is at the public school on jones and main st
(12:56:28 PM) Zoe Strickman: cool! Enjoy the walk. I've been saddened by the shortened daylight hours.
(12:57:13 PM) Zoe Strickman: Apparently I'll have to readjust to being a creature of the night.
(12:57:16 PM) Zoe Strickman: See you soon!

So there you have it. Zoe Strickman, the jerk husband. Learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them.

Zoe Strickman... a TATTY

I have some exciting news. I am a tatty!

The baby is a boy. He was born May 19th, 2007 (2 Sivan), on my Hebrew (and English) birthday. He weighs 7 pounds, 10 ounces, and he is 20 inches long. He has beautiful brown eyes, and a cute little round head. He is totally interactive, and he loves to cuddle and sleep in our arms.

The day before the baby was born, I heard my wife tell the baby, "tomorrow is a good day to come." The following morning, she is totally excited telling me knock knock jokes ("...knock knock. Who's there? Baby Strickman is coming today!") Half awake, I couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. When it occurred to me that she was serious, we got ready, hopped in the car, and drove to the hospital.

The whole day was taken up saying Tehillim (psalms). Specifically, I learned that the Lubavicher Rebbe in wrote in the beginning of Sefer Toldos Admur Maharash that,

"According to the instructions issued by the Tzemach Tzedek to his sons during the birth of the Rebbe Maharash, the following chapters of Tehillim are recited: 1, 2, 3, 4, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 33, 47, 86, 90, 91, 92, 93, 104, 112, and 113 to the end."

So I spent the whole day by my wife's side, catering to her every need. Every moment I had free, I read the book of Tehillim, and I focused on those chapters, along with chapters 20, 23, 30 [my chapter], 27 [her chapter], and 106 [the Rebbe's chapter]. I said so much Tehillim that day I thought my head was going to explode. I did so fervently because my Rabbi said, "Zoe, you should say Tehillim all the way until after the baby is born because the words you say can affect your wife's health and the health of the baby. So, you can never say too much tehillim." Later, when my baby was handed to me, I felt that the whole experience was worth it.

Since the birth on Friday, I spent Shabbos at the hospital so that I can be there with my wife. The baby is adorable. Tonight since shabbos ended, I came back to the apartment, and I spent the evening setting up furniture, strollers, etc. My wife and my newborn son come home from the hospital tomorrow afternoon.

Niddah During Pregnancy REVERSED!

After the last post, a man named Moshe wrote me this comment to my last post. B'kitzur, my 9-month pregnant wife had a medical exam, and during the exam, she was cut down in her area by the doctor. She felt pain when it happened, and later found blood on the toilet paper when she urinated.

That night as soon as it happened, I called the town Rabbi and told him the details, and he told me there was a presumption that since the blood came from that area, she is Niddah. However, after Moshe's comment which came to me by e-mail on Friday right before Shabbos, I went back to the Rabbi with his letter.

After hearing what we had to say (me and the letter), the Rabbi and I went back and forth asking and answering questions about the size of the stain of blood, the color, etc. After mentioning that she felt the pain when the cut happened, he exclaimed, "She felt pain when she was cut??? That changes the whole situation!!" Apparently I left this small detail out in our previous conversations.

A few minutes later, the Rabbi called me up and told me that the fact that she felt pain changed the whole situation. That, on top of the fact that she is pregnant and is not supposed to have a period -- AND the fact that the stain was NOT on a white cloth, but on a piece of toilet paper -- AND the fact that she didn't stick the toilet paper inside which would have created a question of whether the toilet paper was a bedika -- but rather, she just dabbed the toilet paper on the surface -- the presumption of Niddah had been broken and we had created enough coolas [doubts] by all these factors combined to safely say that my wife was not a Niddah.

This story alone is enough to justify to anyone why blogging is valuable to me and to my marriage. Sometimes I just don't know the answers and by having you review my stories and my issues when they arise, your objective opinions have helped find a valuable solution. This has happened over and over during the course of the past few years. In this case, it helped break a presumption of something as serious as Niddah.

Had Moshe not written that letter to me through his comment on my blog, my wife and I would have counted five days, after the fifth day, she would have done a hefsek tahara, and she would have had to check herself with a bedika cloth [a cloth used to check for blood] for seven clean days before she would have immersed in a mikveh. All this would have had to been done before I would have been allowed to have any physical contact - even a touch on the shoulder - with her.

Also, the difficult thing was that since the baby is so close to being due, chances are that by the time this whole Tahara [purity] cleansing process would have been finished, my wife would have already have gone into labor, and having a baby makes the wife Niddah for a six-week period before she goes to the mikveh. So if you add six-weeks to the two-weeks (give or take) it would have taken to make her Tahara again, that would have been a long time that I couldn't touch or have any physical contact with my wife. Thank you Moshe.

On a mystical side note, my rabbi mentioned that it is a Segula [a sort of mystical blessing that is brought down by a particular physical action done during a particular time] for pregnant women to go to the mikveh. When they do this, they bring down blessings for the other women going to the mikveh after them to have a child. So with this occurance, my Rabbi told me that my wife should go to the mikveh [and jokingly added "a few times"] so that she could help other women have children from this potential disaster. My wife heard this and said that she would be willing to do this, especially the night she would have gone to the mikveh had she been a Niddah, because perhaps there is a woman who would have gone afterwards that was having trouble having a child.

-Zoe

Niddah During Pregnancy from Medical Checkup

Okay, onto the exciting part of the evening.

My wife is expecting our first child next month, which means that she is in her 9th month of our pregnancy.

Tonight her doctor did a test to see whether she ever had strep throat, because if she did, she might pass that to the baby during labor and birth which could be dangerous to the baby.

However, when she was doing the procedure, my wife felt a bit of pressure because the doctor cut my wife inside her vaginal area. Later, my wife was urinating, and after checking the toilet paper, she saw blood. "Houston, we have a problem," she said.

Normally, religious women who are in a Tahara [ritual purity] state don't look at what comes out of them from that area because if it is blood, then she might be in a state of Niddah [ritual impurity]. The presumption is that if blood comes from the vagina, then regardless of whether it came from the vaginal walls or the uterus, she is Niddah. Pregnant women as a general rule do not get their period, therefore they do not enter the state of Niddah. However, after my wife bled from her cut, the situation was different.

We called the local rabbi and my mashpia, and after a few phone calls, my wife and I understood the situation: she is now 9 months pregnant and is in a state of Niddah. So now we have to wait 5 days, and then she does a Hefsek Tahara, where she begins counting 7 clean days using a bedika cloth. After counting 7 clean days, she goes to the mikveh [ritual bath]... or by then the delivery room.

The interesting thing about the timing of this is that the laws of family purity (Taharas HaMishpacha) help a couple bond and become closer through their physical distance from each other. By not being permitted to sleep in the same bed, to cuddle, or even to be intimate, the couple becomes sensitized to each other and as a result, they become closer. By not being able to touch, when they are allowed to touch again, the feelings get heightened and more exciting.

Our situation is that my wife got pregnant immediately after our wedding, so after our first time being separated after the wedding, we never had to count days of cleanliness, and we never had to separate for purposes of Taharas HaMishpacha more than once. Thus, intimacy became the norm and being able to touch each other whenever we wanted lost some of it's forbidden pleasure. Thank G-d now, right before the baby is born when my wife will have entered a Niddah state upon the baby's birth and we will have had to be separate for six weeks, after she goes through this cycle of becoming Tahara, we will IY"H have around a week and a half to be together physically before she gives birth to our first child.

How I was Taught to Treat My Wife in our Chassidic Marriage

Okay, Knished asked me to write about MARRIED LIFE...

Married life. Well, in my case, my wife and I have agreed to live a chassidic lifestyle which means no television in the home, whereas the home environment is centered around us spending time with each other, doing the laundry, the dishes and anything else that needs to get done, meals (sometimes with guests) and Torah learning.

[We are still watching movies, albeit outside the home because our Rav told us that it is a lesser evil to watch movies outside the home than it is to bring movies into the home and ruin the atmosphere we have chosen to have in our home.]

Generally, (and I'll try to stick to it even now,) I've made it a point NOT to speak about my wife or our relationship on this blog because even though she knows about it, I actually don't think she's been on here lately. However, I feel that it is inevitable that she one day WILL read every word I write here, and I don't want any of it to make her do anything but smile.

Yes, there are complications sometimes with our relationship. Often it is me who has the rule or the belief as to how couples in a chassidic marriage are supposed to treat each other (e.g. with respect, always remembering who we are speaking to, and NEVER cursing or raising our voice to the point of yelling with one another, cleaning after one's self, etc.) and often it is my wife who goes through life not aware of my rules until she notices that I am highly upset and often it is me who for whatever reason has let the issue build up until I'm more upset about the issue than I should be.

FORGIVENESS OF INADEQUACIES:
On my end, the trick to a happy marriage is always understanding that (B"H) I have a wonderful wife with a GOOD HEART who loves me deeply AND WHO DEALS WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS. Trust me -- I am FAR from perfect. But she deals with my ups and my downs, my messes and my idiosyncrasies, and thus since she is SO FORGIVING of my inadequacies, I have the unshakable duty to be as forgiving of hers. Plus, she is a human being just like I am; she burps, bloats, gets tired, moody, and hungry like anyone would. She is as disciplined as she wants to be in whatever areas she chooses to be, and I need to respect that about her.

GENEROSITY (ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT IS EXPECTED):
Regarding our daily lives, I feel that it is important for me to be sensitive to her needs, and I often go out of my way to do things that I don't need to do, and I try to seek out what she needs and I get it for her or do it for her before she even asks me for it (even if she would never even think of me doing it for her). If I find that she doesn't acknowledge it after a while and I start to feel taken advantage of, I tell her. If she still doesn't acknowledge it, we'll fight.

OPEN COMMUNICATION:
I learned from my Rabbi that it is very important to always keep a line of communication open with your wife. Always, even if it is something totally embarrassing, such as me getting a 3rd parking ticket in a one-week period because I get distracted and I forget to move the car or when it is something very difficult, such as confronting her on something she did that hurt my feelings, or carefully advising her on a better way to handle a touchy subject while being very sensitive to her feelings.

I learned this lesson of having complete and open communication when I received my diagnosis and I went on medication -- I told my Rabbi and I made him promise not to tell anyone -- not even his wife -- about it and he promised. Weeks later, he told me, "You know Zoe, I have never held anything back from my wife. This has been the first thing that I have ever hidden from her since we've been married." Firstly, I felt terrible that I put a separation between them, namely my dirty little secret. Secondly, this was a big lesson for my own marriage.

MOVE YOUR ANGER OUT OF HER WAY:
There are times where I get angry, frustrated, enraged at anything or anyone -- even my wife. However, during those times, I make sure I am NOT AROUND MY WIFE when I am in those states of being. She doesn't need to deal with these, and under NO condition should I take out my frustrations on her. I certainly don't hide anything from her, but I don't take my anger out on her.

When we have an argument and I see that it is escalating to the point where I am about to lose my temper or say something that I will regret, I have learned from my Rabbi that I should do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get out of that situation before I explode -- "jump out of a window if you must, as long as you get out of there before it is too late" my Rabbi says. The goal here is NEVER TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER AROUND THE OTHER PERSON. Fights are healthy, but they should stay healthy. There is no reason to be calling each other names or using the F word or belittling the other person. Maintaining RESPECT and INTEGRITY is what is needed to keep the shalom bayis (peace in the house).

EXPRESSING LOVE, APPRECIATION, AND RESPECT:
This is also super important. You should always love and respect your wife, even when you are not feeling like it. Love isn't something you have or are "in," but rather, it is something you DO. Sometimes it is difficult, especially if she is not living up to your expectations at that moment, but it doesn't matter. She is your wife and she deserves your love ALWAYS, even when you are in the middle of a fight.

Other than these tidbits of wisdom that I have learned, my wife and I (B"H) are doing well. We are learning each other's patterns and we are learning how to help the other person stay happy. We let each other be who we are, and we don't force our views of what we would like our partners to be on the other. We don't hang out 24/7, and there are times that we completely do our own thing, but at least we communicate with each other and make sure that the other person isn't feeling slighted or left out.

Most of all, it is important to appreciate who you have for the rest of your life. There will be only one person who will be there from now until the day you die (you hope) -- that is your wife. Treat her well, love her like no other, and treat her with respect.

The Mundane Existence of Twin Flames

I'm so sorry... Lately, there really is nothing to tell... at least regarding crazy experiences which merit writing in a blog. Married life has taken my former crazy emotional life, and has turned it "normal".

I still sometimes have problems sleeping... I am still reading (absorbing) books on homeopathy so that when I have a family I will be able to be not only the "rabbi" of the home, but also the "healer" / "doctor". I am still studying for the Patent Bar Exam (thank G-d, I sent out the paperwork and am waiting for a confirmation letter so that I can schedule the exam)...

I PASSED THE NY BAR EXAM!!!

The interesting thing about married life is that things become daily activities to maintain the home... Take out the trash... Do the laundry... Get the mail from the mailbox... Clean up after yourself... Shower regularly... Brush your teeth... Twice... Daven (pray) in the morning with a minyan... Go grocery shopping... Sleep at night...

The thing that I could "complain" about (if there was something) is that nothing happens anymore. We have our respective schedules, we frequently visit her parents, we visit mine, we have dinner almost every evening, we rarely go out, we sit on the couch and read at night until we go to sleep.

As for spontenaity, this is what gets to me the most. It doesn't take ONE person to make the marriage interesting; it takes two. I can get excited about something or try to be adverturous or seductive or spontaneous, but if she's not into it, the idea flops, as it often does. If I continue being excited about it and if I push the idea (which I often do), in her eyes I am seen as annoying and childish.

Additionally, I find that I make myself "busy" (a.k.a. I make myself look as if I am busy and/or productive) because if not, I am seen as lazy and am judged. It hurts that this happens, because I am the one that just finished three CRUEL years of law school and I am the one that just passed the bar exam in NEW YORK (one of the most difficult bar exams in the United States), yet she is the one that is going to work every day and so I fear that she feels I am a slacker because I haven't found work yet. Yet, in my heart I want to THROW the blame on her that I am not finished with studying for the Patent Bar Exam because she distracts me and causes my life to be so upside down; however, the truth is that I don't prioritize my days (when I actually SHOULD be studying) well... Instead, I am busy doing the stuff that she wants me to do and am busy running errands which KILL my day (each and every day). Basically, I feel like I am the wife in this relationship, and this bothers me to no end. I NEED to start bringing in some money or else I fear that our relationship may suffer longterm.