Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Mundane Existence of Twin Flames


I'm so sorry... Lately, there really is nothing to tell... at least regarding crazy experiences which merit writing in a blog. Married life has taken my former crazy emotional life, and has turned it "normal".

I still sometimes have problems sleeping... I am still reading (absorbing) books on homeopathy so that when I have a family I will be able to be not only the "rabbi" of the home, but also the "healer" / "doctor". I am still studying for the Patent Bar Exam (thank G-d, I sent out the paperwork and am waiting for a confirmation letter so that I can schedule the exam)...

I PASSED THE NY BAR EXAM!!!

The interesting thing about married life is that things become daily activities to maintain the home... Take out the trash... Do the laundry... Get the mail from the mailbox... Clean up after yourself... Shower regularly... Brush your teeth... Twice... Daven (pray) in the morning with a minyan... Go grocery shopping... Sleep at night...

The thing that I could "complain" about (if there was something) is that nothing happens anymore. We have our respective schedules, we frequently visit her parents, we visit mine, we have dinner almost every evening, we rarely go out, we sit on the couch and read at night until we go to sleep.

As for spontenaity, this is what gets to me the most. It doesn't take ONE person to make the marriage interesting; it takes two. I can get excited about something or try to be adverturous or seductive or spontaneous, but if she's not into it, the idea flops, as it often does. If I continue being excited about it and if I push the idea (which I often do), in her eyes I am seen as annoying and childish.

Additionally, I find that I make myself "busy" (a.k.a. I make myself look as if I am busy and/or productive) because if not, I am seen as lazy and am judged. It hurts that this happens, because I am the one that just finished three CRUEL years of law school and I am the one that just passed the bar exam in NEW YORK (one of the most difficult bar exams in the United States), yet she is the one that is going to work every day and so I fear that she feels I am a slacker because I haven't found work yet. Yet, in my heart I want to THROW the blame on her that I am not finished with studying for the Patent Bar Exam because she distracts me and causes my life to be so upside down; however, the truth is that I don't prioritize my days (when I actually SHOULD be studying) well... Instead, I am busy doing the stuff that she wants me to do and am busy running errands which KILL my day (each and every day). Basically, I feel like I am the wife in this relationship, and this bothers me to no end. I NEED to start bringing in some money or else I fear that our relationship may suffer longterm.

5 comments:

Still Wonderin' said...

....so I fear that she feels I am a slacker because I haven't found work yet.

This is mostly in your head. If you dwell on it, it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Instead, I am busy doing the stuff that she wants me to do and am busy running errands which KILL my day (each and every day).

You're doing this because of your guilt that you';re not bringing in any money. You need to a) set limits b) establish a set time and amount of time you can do errands. Respectfully explain that your job now is studying and passing the Patent Bar. That is your job and don't forget. Don't allow guilt to regualte your daily schedule or you WILL fail the test and then resent and blame your wife.

Basically, I feel like I am the wife in this relationship, and this bothers me to no end.

This is very common and you're not alone. i am self-employed and when I have a bad month or two, whereas my wife earns a consistent good salary, I become very angry with myself and start doing all types of things around the house whivh , you guessed it, perpetuates the non-earning streak and enabling the problem to become even worse. Break the cycle as soon and as respectfully as possible.

Raine said...

Congratulations on passing the bar- Thats HUGE!!!

Ahuva said...

I'll echo that-- congratulations on passing the bar!!! I agree with the others that you need to set limits to errand-running. Would it be unreasonable to say that you shouldn't be spending more time running errands than studying for the next exam? Don't worry about not having a job yet. Looking for a position is a full time job-- and you already have a full time job in studying for the patent bar.

the only way i know said...

i've read your blog a few months ago...and picked it up again now..

just wanted to say - congratulations on passing your bar exam..
and mazel tov on your recent marriage..
also..about your 'strange' experiences...i wanted to say..i was once in touch with a guy (i actually sent him a link to your blog at one point..) - who also has very strange experiences..he can predict things..and other stuff..and he hates telling people (he does though) - because they consider him off the wall....
it is a subject that is hard to understand..he's around 40..and has yet to explain this phenonmenon..
but - i think it's best not to dwell..... life is meant for living..in the healthiest way possible..and if doesnt contribute much in any way...why waste time an energy on it...

Zoe Strickman said...

OWIK, thank you. -Zoe