Yeshiva Transformations into Frumkeit

This morning, a co-worker asked me about an article in the Wall Street Journal by Ben Harris entitled "Jewish Year Abroad" (cite: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120425090627701855.html). Attached below was my answer.

Dear Seth,

There are a few levels to understanding this article and what it speaks about.

Topic 1: Going to Israel (or any other yeshiva/rabbinical college) and coming back totally a different person, sometimes a better person, other times brainwashed.

Secular students who enter a yeshiva are highly influenced by those rabbis living the religious life, and they often want to emulate them. This brings a large responsibility on the part of the rabbis to teach them Judaism and to distinguish basic practice from the group's addition to Jewish practice (generally referred to customs (or "minhagim") which various groups add to beautify the observance of the commandments; often these customs have their roots in the mystical or kabbalistic traditions, but if misunderstood can lead to a deviance away from Judaism itself). The problem here is that the rabbis do not distinguish basic Jewish practice and observance of the laws with customs, which lead to individuals alienating those other Jewish observant persons around them with their strange ritual practices (e.g. holding a cup of wine from the bottom instead of the top, or overfilling a cup of wine to the point that it spills a bit -- these are customs which have much meaning, but are often misunderstood and are found to be offensive by those who are not aware of these traditions.)

There is also the idea of what is good and what is evil, and often a yeshiva student learns this, but the Rabbis do not teach them how to understand what that means and how to apply it to the world around them. For example, the secular world is often referred to as not recognizing the Creator, and the idea of separating oneself from the Creator or not doing the will of the Creator is called evil. However, this doesn't mean to live in a mountaintop and separate one's self from society. In fact, it has nothing to do with how a person is to act within society. A yeshiva student often understands this incorrectly and distances himself from society causing problems for himself and those around him. However, if he learned more, he would learn that it is a commandment to live within society and to have a job (called "derech eretz") and to live IN this world and IN society so that he will be able to do the commandments, much of which require one to be in society to perform them. Unfortunately, Rabbis forget to teach this and they don't realize that the students are taking everything they are saying literally and so the problem becomes that the Rabbis don't teach students how to use the information they learn.


Topic 2: Coming back from Yeshiva and changing their behavior (e.g. not kissing relatives of the opposite sex).
Often a yeshiva student returns from rabbinical school armed with the laws of Judaism, and this is a good thing. Unfortunately, the general level of observance of the Jewish population (often Judaism is passed from generation to generation in today's world -- in the last 60 years -- without any yeshiva or formal religious education; this is a problem with modern times where parents send their children to public schools and to secular colleges and never send them to yeshiva, or at a minimum, not even to "hebrew school (e.g. Sunday school)" -- and so, these children of the former generation grew up without education and are lacking in their Jewish observance. Then, when their kids "rebel" and go to a yeshiva after high school or college, and when their kids become religious/observant on their own, this is often seen as an affront to the parents who believe they are doing enough, even though they are consistently breaking Jewish laws regularly because of their lack of religious education. Hence, they start screaming about "Jewish unity" and how "these religious people" are separating themselves from the community, etc. when in fact, it is the parents who are lacking in their basic Jewish observance.


My own experience:
This is the jist of it. But as you can see from my own life, my parents grew up secular and some time after college, I became observant and went to a yeshiva for around two years (meaning that I literally lived in a dorm at the Yeshiva and I spent my day, generally 6am until 10pm learning about Judaism and its customs.) Of course, I made a strong effort to not alienate any of my family while this process of becoming religious was happening, and that being said, I did step on a few people's toes, especially before I figured out the what was Jewish law versus what was custom versus what is practiced as a stringency, but is by no means required to be followed (a separate conversation that caused me much angst figuring out what was what). I always kissed my grandmother and my mother, but after yeshiva, not my aunt or my cousins because it is permissible to have physical (not sexual) contact with those of the opposite sex who are your immediate family including grandparents and grandkids, children under the age of maturity, but not those outside these individuals. Over time, you'll see that there are other observances which deviate slightly from the secular-normal (e.g. not working on the Sabbath, eating only certain kosher-certified foods, not being secluded/alone after hours with unmarried women, etc.) but most of them are not even noticeable to the person who is unaware of their existence.

Apology for inconsistant blogging.

By the way, I am sorry to those who think that I abandoned this blog. I haven't; it's just difficult to write every day, especially when there is so little time in the day. Please check back from time to time. I will be sure to post more regularly.

Chassidishe Hechures.

During our four week stay outside of NY, my wife and I made sure to pick up food in Crown Heights each time we drove into the city. My friend asked me what was wrong with the food where we were, and why I didn't just buy the kosher meat over there.

Here was my answer:

There are other kinds of meats available, but the issue is hechure. There is a stam kosher hechure where many people wouldn't eat that kind of meat because of the chumras in shechita (type of knife used, who the shochet is, etc. -- it's not only what kind of animal is being slaughtered, but it is also the shechita that makes something kosher or not (or today, questionably) kosher).

Also, some won't readily eat meat from shochets from various sects (think Meal Mart, or remember the Lubavich beatings by the Satmars a few years back, and how as a result the Rebbes said not to eat the other's meat), and vice versa.

Others will eat any meat, even Hebrew National.

If you're Lubavich, there are certain things that you are expected to hold by (e.g. cholov yisroel, etc); having an increased hechure with meat is one of them (e.g. there are two types of hechures on Empire Chicken; those with one kind (I think it's just stam OU), and Empire Chickens with KAJ -- we'll eat the meat with the KAJ hechure, but not with just the other.

I think that's the jist of it -- Lubavichers generally eat meat with chassidishe hechures. That's why it's sometimes difficult when we go out to (e.g.) Doughies. Some of the dishes on the menu are used with one kind of meat, and others are made with other hechured meat. After asking around a few times, I learned to know which hechures were which.

And just think -- there are people that are way more strict on this than I am, and only eat meat not from certain hechures like I do, but only from shocheits they trust.

I know by posting this letter I will not only reveal to my friend my identity (because I'm pretty sure she is a reader of this blog), but I might stir some controversy. People might ask, "why cause a separation within the Jewish people? shouldn't we all just be unified as one people?" My answer is yes, we should, but the difficult part of being unified in Judaism is that there are some groups that don't believe in Jewish law and still assert that their food is still kosher, and there are other groups that go to the other extreme and won't eat food which has a lesser degree of kashrut. Hence, it will be almost impossible for everyone to eat the same food unless the higher standards become the norm, because I don't think asking a Jew to lessen his level of kashrut is a realistic, moral, or a workable solution. Hence, we judge each piece of food by its hechure.

Signed the lease with our landlord.

I figured that after all that writing and worrying about the lease, the least you deserved was an update on how things went. Its so easy to write a blog when things are bad, but when they go your way, blogging becomes difficult.

On the way to meeting my landlord, I called my Rabbi to ask him for his advice. He suggested that taking a consulting posture would probably the most effective way to handle him. Ask him what he agrees to and what he doesn't agree to, and after each answer, write it down on a piece of paper. Then, if things aren't the way you want them, you can decide not to sign yet.

I sat down with the landlord, who, with his family present, was acting like the boss
(Sefardi thing). I went through *his* lease line by line (which was obviously written by an evil lawyer). To my surprise, for some reason he thought what was in the evil lease was the law of New York because his lawyer told him, "do not cross *anything* out." Later on (as you'll see), it occurred to me that the lawyer never said not to put anything *in*.

So we negotiated line by line, and as he agreed to things (or disagreed to things) we wrote down what he said. In the end, after everything was said and done, I felt that the lease terms as agreed to by the landlord were fair, and we were willing to be flexible and give in to certain things in return for getting the security of a lease with an option to renew.

I said, "We are ready to agree to what we have discussed. Now let us write what we agreed to into the lease." When I started crossing things out that the landlord agreed to in our prior conversation minutes earlier, he started flipping out. "No! Don't cross it out!"

When I explained to him that the lease does not reflect our agreement, he said, "no! it's in there what we agreed." I thought to myself, "...is he an idiot?!? The lease says the opposite of what he agreed to!" So I started writing things into the lease in VERY EASY LANGUAGE.

My logic was that if the printed lease said something like, "Tenant is not allowed to have guests; if the tenant has a guest, tenant will pay landlord $50 per guest per occurrence" and I wrote in at the bottom of that clause "Tenant is allowed to have guests AT NO CHARGE," then if the matter ever went to court, obviously the written-in statement is what would be enforced because 1) it was obvious that what was written in was written in after the printed terms, and 2) that the written-in terms was what was agreed to when the lease was signed, even if they conflict with the printed terms.

So that was the jist of our entire lease. "Tenant is not allowed to have guests... TENANT IS ALLOWED TO HAVE GUESTS," "Tenant pays for all utilities... TENANT PAYS ONLY FOR ELECTRIC, GAS, AND 1/2 OF WATER, LANDLORD PAYS THE REST OF THE UTILITIES," and so on.

After a while, the landlord got tired of me writing things in and he started accusing me of changing the lease which was meant to protect him, and he told me "either sign the lease or move out." At that point, most of the issues were resolved, and we limited our liability to the Security Deposit even if we trashed the place and moved out early (which we would never do). While the lease made it VERY EASY for us to lose the security deposit, we decided that this was a risk we were willing to take, because the lease as it was with the changes was much more fair than it was when we began.

I went into a side room with my wife, and we agreed that the way the lease was, it was acceptable and we were willing to sign it as it was. So we signed the lease and gave the security deposit and the last month's rent.

So now we live here. My wife was so excited, and so was I. I am glad this issue is finally resolved, because it weighed heavily on my shoulders each day and took much emotional energy leaving me tired and lifeless. Thank G-d I worked hard on this issue, we stuck hard to our guns, and we were flexible when we needed to be fair.

Additional Lease Terms

Dear Readers,

I am sitting down tonight with the landlord to review the terms of the lease. While we agreed to go over his version of the lease, there were provisions that would be difficult to carve up and cut out. So, to simplify things, I wrote up the following lease addendum myself which covers all of the terms we want the landlord to agree to and supersedes conflicting provisions in the lease. That way, we can just sit down, agree to the Addendum (below), and sign his lease and move on.

(By the way, everything in here with the exception of the Washer/Dryer which we left out are things the landlord already agreed to, but I want it in writing. I think this is fair and is a good way to go about things, how about you?

ADDITIONAL TERMS TO LEASE

The following paragraphs, if agreed to by the landlord, will become part of the lease and will rule over any terms in conflict with these paragraphs.

LENGTH OF LEASE:
The lease will be a one-year lease with the Tenant’s option to renew lease for 3 years under the terms of this lease. The lease will not automatically renew and will become a month-to-month lease unless the Tenant gives notice to the Landlord each year that they intend to renew lease for another year.

If Tenant accidentally does not renew the lease and the time for renewal passes, if both Tenant and Landlord still want to renew the lease, they may do so at will.


PURPOSE OF SECURITY DEPOSIT:
Both Landlord and Tenant understand that the purpose of a Security Deposit is:

1) To compensate Landlord in case Tenant damages property belonging to Landlord from misuse (Security Deposit may not withheld because of damages from normal wear and tear and daily use of the property), and

2) To compensate Landlord for rent losses sustained if Tenant terminates contract and moves out of apartment without Landlord’s permission. Landlord has a duty to mitigate damages (a responsibility to make a reasonable attempt (through FOR RENT signs, classified ads, word of mouth, etc.)) to re-rent the apartment. Damages for early termination are limited to the Security Deposit.


SECURITY DEPOSIT VERSUS “LAST MONTH’S RENT”
“Last Month’s Rent” is separate and unrelated to the security deposit. It is ONLY to be used for paying the Tenant’s last month’s rent prior to moving out and must be returned if not used.

Tenant requests landlord’s permission to pay last month’s rent upon renewal of lease for second year.


APPLICATION OF SECURITY DEPOSIT TO LAST MONTH’S RENT.
If within 30 days of Lease’s termination (or within 60 days if Last Month’s Rent has been deposited with Landlord), if Landlord trusts that no damage has been done to the apartment, Tenant may request that the Security Deposit be applied in lieu of the last month’s rent. At that point, Landlord has the right to inspect premises to make sure no damage has been done that would require use of the Security Deposit funds.


PROCESS OF WITHHOLDING SECURITY DEPOSIT
Should any damage occur that warrants withholding money from Security Deposit, Landlord will give written notice to Tenant containing the description of the damage, the Landlord’s cost to repair, and the approximate date of occurrence of damage. Tenant will have the right to dispute Landlord’s claim. At the end of the lease term before the Tenant moves out, damages will be added up to determine how much of the Security Deposit will be returned to Tenant.


UTILITIES AT END OF TERM
Tenant agrees to pay for: Electricity, Gas, and ½ of the Water costs for the apartment Tenant is occupying for the full length of time Tenant is occupying apartment.

Tenant agrees to place Electricity and Gas in Tenant’s name, and Tenant shall solely be responsible for costs of electricity and gas for said apartment while Tenant is in possession of the apartment.

Tenant agrees to cancel Electricity and Gas within one month of leaving the apartment, and agrees to pay Electricity and Gas bills in full prior to leaving apartment.

If the water bill is not available when the Tenant moves out, Tenant agrees to place a deposit to cover Tenant’s estimated half of the water bill, which shall be calculated based on the prior three (3) water bills.


INTERMINGLING OF FUNDS
Security Deposit and Last Month’s Rent must be separated from all of Landlord’s personal funds. It is understood that both the Security Deposit and the Last Month’s Rent remains property of the Tenant and not the Landlord, and Landlord may not use either for his own personal reasons.

Landlord may use Last Month’s Rent for personal reasons once rent for the last month becomes due.


PARKING SPACE
Landlord grants Tenant the use of one parking space behind the house.


ACCESS TO BASEMENT LAUNDRY ROOM
Landlord grants Tenant access to the laundry room through the stairway connected to Tenant’s apartment.


LANDLORD ACCESS TO APARTMENT
Landlord will give tenant 24 hours before entering apartment to give tenant time to respond to request. Landlord entry under this lease is for repair purposes only.

Landlord may enter apartment WITHOUT 24 HOUR NOTICE for emergency purposes only, or with consent of Tenant.


KEYS
If Tenant is unable to secure working keys for the apartment, Landlord will promptly provide copies of the keys or will replace the lock.


INSURANCE
Tenant has the option whether or not to purchase insurance for the home, and to control how and if insurance proceeds are to be used. If Landlord wishes to obtain insurance, he may. Failure to obtain insurance will not breach this lease.


REPAIRS
If Tenant damages property owned by Landlord by misuse or intentional destruction, Tenant will be responsible for the costs to repair damaged property, and Landlord may sue tenant for damages and/or make a claim to withhold said amount from the Security Deposit. Damages to the property and/or broken items due to the normal wear and tear, daily use, and or non-misuse of the Tenant will be promptly repaired and paid for by the Landlord.


GUESTS
Tenant may have guests (and even overnight guests) so long as the guests are not living in the apartment as their home. Tenant may not split the rent with anyone other than those occupying the apartment per the terms of this lease, and may not sublet or have others move in without the Landlord’s written permission.


NOTICE WHEN AWAY FROM APARTMENT
Tenant will NOT give Landlord notice when Tenant is away from the apartment for any amount of time.


ATTORNEYS FEES AND NOTICES
At no point does Tenant waive any rights of notice regarding any legal process between the Landlord and the Tenant. Further, Tenant does not agree to pay any legal fees or attorneys fees should a dispute arise.

This is the simplest way I could write this, and the best I could do. Comments?

-Zoe

"Tea can make the bad feelings go away."

By the way, you should know that my wife and I made up about an hour into the fight. My wife didn't realize that she hurt my feelings, and wounded them even more when she mocked me when I tried to tell her how I felt.

However, a few minutes later, she apologized, and she told me that she appreciated everything I did and all the work I did, and that there were even certain issues she would like me to fight for on our behalf. Namely, the term of the lease must consistently reflect the 3-year option to renew; the penalty for breaking the lease must be limited to the security deposit; and, the last month's rent is not a security deposit, but a rent deposit.

An hour later, she again asked me if I was feeling down about the whole lease thing, and I told her that there weren't any feelings that were still hurt, but I was still having lingering feelings of hurt. I told her that she hurt me pretty deep and that I believed that we resolved everything, but that my feelings were still down from the initial hurt which doesn't go away just because the cause of the hurt has been resolved. She said, "Tea makes it all better, want some?" and I said, "yes, please."

So yes, I feel better about it all, and I am a bit more calm about the whole situation. I can't stop my wife from wanting to live in this apartment, and I can't protect her (us) from sneaky landlords when she won't stand behind me on it. However, I do believe she will be happy here, and I do know that she likes this home very much and me putting the table together and putting the Mezuzahs up (although in my mind, I did it for temporary reasons) made her view the house more as a home that she really wants to live in. So, I'm giving her what she wants, and tomorrow, unless the landlord is unreasonable about the terms of the lease or he pulls another one of his tricks, I'll sign the lease and start our lives in our new home.

Wife told me to accept defeat.

I feel betrayed by my wife. All this time, I have thought about nothing other than how to protect us and the terms of the lease that my wife expressed that were so important to her. This afternoon, our landlord walked in with his family and told us that the lease I suggested we sign was not acceptable. He slammed it down on the table and said that he’s the landlord, he’s the boss, and whatever he says is what we have to agree to, or we could move out. Knowing that my wife told me that morning that she would really like to stay and that she doesn’t want to move again, I decided to be a bit softer and to save us from moving out.

We spoke about the lease, and how important it is for the terms of the lease to match our agreement. We arranged to look at the second version of the lease that they gave us (still a one-sided lease, but not as extreme as the first) and to sit down with them tomorrow and perhaps to sign it.

The interesting outcome is that my point of view of the landlords changed because I understood the family dynamics for the first time. The father is in charge. The son likes to think he’s in charge, and the father has a difficult time controlling him. The mother is the typical Israeli. It was interesting to me to see the son speak in front of the father and to interrupt his father – perhaps the way I interrupt mine. At the time, I only paid attention to what the father said, but after reflecting on it, I realized that I identified with the son because I often have a difficult time respecting my father the way I am supposed to. One interesting outcome is that at one point, the father got annoyed at his son for interrupting him and negotiating for him and he said to his son, “I’m here. Let me talk.”

All in all, the conversation went well. By the end of it, my wife was seduced into thinking that they were good people and she had forgotten everything they had done to us until now. Further, I was also convinced, but I still wanted to be careful by making sure that the lease properly reflects what we want it to say. One thing that I felt was resolved, however, was that at least we know now who is in charge of the lease terms and the decisions; the father.

So I spent the rest of the day shopping with my wife. I wanted to get some tools and nails to put up the Mezuzahs on the house, because even if we were leaving within the month, Jewish Law says, “he who has fringes (Tzitzis) on his Tallis, Tefillin on his arm and on his head, and a Mezuzah on his doors is protected by the Holy One, blessed be He.” I had the first two of those requirements, but so far the mezuzahs were not yet unpacked or put up on our doors. I thought that maybe because we had no mezuzahs up (even though they are not required until we live here for 30 days) this was the reason we were having all these problems in life; namely, that there was no mezuzah protecting us during our travels. So I went to pick up a new toolkit with a hammer, a wrench, and some nails. Unfortunately, the nails that I used to put in the Mezuzah cases were poor quality and my hammer broke the plastic cases for the Mezuzah where the screw is supposed to go. So while they look unsightly, at least they are up.

Anyway, with the new tools, I put together my grandmother’s dining room table (may her soul rest in peace in Gan Eden) and I sat there going over the lease for our discussion with the landlord tomorrow. After discussing my findings with my wife, I found her to be unexcited about my arguments. She felt that I was nit-picking the lease to death and that I was lawyering the whole thing to death. She said that she was tired of fighting the landlords and that she just wanted to give in to their requests. She said that if we broke any term of the landlord’s lease, she’s fine with the landlord keeping the security deposit. She said she was fine moving out and risking the landlord keeping the security deposit for himself. She said she was fine with giving the last month’s rent just to make peace with the landlord and get the lease signed. In short, she gave in to EVERYTHING we have been fighting for daily for almost a month now. In short, she told me that she just wants to live here and that she wants to give in to all of the landlord’s terms. I felt betrayed because all this time I was under the impression that I was fighting for us, and tonight I find out that I was fighting for a cause she didn’t believe in.

I feel that I wasted so much time on this issue for the protection of myself and my family, and now she doesn’t even want me to fight for what we were originally promised. She would rather just have the apartment as it is and risk losing the security deposit. This is the eve of tomorrow’s meeting with the landlord. As far as things stand, and as far as I understand, she just wants me to give in to everything and sign the lease. I feel so defeated.

Discussion with Landlord about lease terms.

I had a meeting with our landlord yesterday after Shabbos. Naturally, we were prepared for the meeting, but we were unprepared for what happened.

As of Friday, after the no-show of the landlord the evening before (and after countless phone calls and requests for him to call us back), I called my wife on the phone and told her that we should make the decision to move out at the end of the month, or as soon as possible, because even if we did get a lease eventually, the landlord would be an absentee landlord, wouldn't fix anything if it broke, and probably wouldn't adhere to the lease terms anyway. So we firmly made a decision that unless the landlord comes through and addresses our issues to our liking, we are deciding to find another place and to move out at the end of the month.

So the landlord showed up after Shabbos, and we sat down to discuss the issues that have come up over the past month with his wife and his kids. He told us that we should ignore everything his wife and his kids say about the rental and its limitations, because he is the boss, he is the owner, and whatever he says is the law. I respected his mentality because it was consistent with the Sefardi ancestry of which he is part of. He also told me that he is a believer in whatever the siddur that was sitting on my table says and then he went on to tell me what a good person he is and how honest he is.

We proceeded to discuss the issues -- the term of the lease, the security deposit, the washer and dryer, repairs that are needed, and he seemed to be friendly to all of them.

Hearing this, I decided to take out the neutral lease that I downloaded from the internet (as opposed to the unfair one-sided lease that his son gave us), and I proceeded to fill in the details and make minor changes to reflect what we would agree to and what we would not agree to.

The changes I made to the lease were items that I felt the lease was unclear about or was improperly written, such as [inter alia]:

1. Location of premises: Instead of writing, "Tenant is leasing XXXX Crown Street, Brooklyn NY 11225 (just an example, not actual address)," I wrote "Tenant is leasing XXXX Crown Street, 2nd Floor with stairway access to laundry room" because I didn't want the landlord one day to lock the stairway door to the basement and say, "sorry, if you want to use your own washer and dryer, you will have to walk outside, walk around the block, and enter the laundry room through the garage access." This is not a likely occurrence, but given the past actions of the landlord, we don't trust that they *wouldn't* do this, and so I felt that it was important to be as specific as possible when describing what we were renting.

2. "Tenant shall not sublet the apartment without written permission from the Landlord." I added in ink, "...landlord shall not unreasonably withhold consent" meaning that if for some reason we needed to sublet and we did our work and found good tenants, the landlord cannot unreasonably reject the new tenants. If there is a reasonable reason for rejection (e.g. they don't trust them, or they have bad credit, etc.) that is understandable, but b'kitzur, I didn't want to give the landlords the ability to stick it to us if we wanted to sublet. By the way, we have no intention of subletting.

3. "Tenant agrees to return property to the landlord in as good condition as property was given to tenant, normal wear and tear *excepted*." As soon as I read that, I saw the word "excepted" was misspelled, and it should have read "expected." So I crossed out the word and replaced it with the correct spelling.

4. Attorneys fees. Being an attorney, we plan on being very honest and good tenants. If we end up in litigation with the landlord, it will be because they did something immoral or illegal, or because they violated the lease terms, not us. The lease originally wrote that "if there are any disputes, Tenant agrees to pay all costs and attorneys fees to litigate the issue." I am not agreeing to this, so I crossed this out.

Anyway, in short, I made these and other changes in front of him and then I told him to have his lawyer check over the lease for fairness and to get back to us. The landlord was shocked and scared and offended by what I marked up, because he felt that I was being unfair and was changing the lease to make it fair to me and unfair to him. I assured him that I was being upfront and that there was nothing sneaky about what I did, and I am totally open to discussing and/or negotiating the changes I made to the lease because I am very flexible about it. I just wanted the lease to reflect the nature of our deal, that's it. If he doesn't like a term I inserted, I am totally open to removing it. He left annoyed and he said, "I'm going to have my lawyer look at this." I told him to please feel free to have the lawyer call me if s/he has any questions.

Later, when I asked my wife about her opinion about what happened, she told me that he and his family have been playing games with us since we moved in, causing us stress and emotional pain unnecessarily by changing terms and taking away things they promised to us. The fact that I was a lawyer and that I was making changes to the face of the lease document made him nervous, and she was glad that he got nervous. At least now he got some of his own medicine and he should learn that it is not right to do that to other people.

I explained to her that I was being as open and fair as possible. As a lawyer, we have an ethical duty of fully disclosing anything we do because we have an advantage over regular folk, especially when it comes to legal terms and reading into and writing contracts. I could have easily written those changes into the document and I could have printed the document out *with* the changes (as his son did to me with the original lease), however I felt that was dishonest, and any changes to the lease template should be made openly and honestly so that we can talk about the terms and come to an understanding and an agreement. I didn't want to trick him into signing a lease with various terms; I wanted him to know what he was signing so that I could hold him to it if there ever was a dispute between us.

In sum, I am no longer stressed about the whole situation. I am ready to move out of this place, and I am ready to tell the landlord that we are no longer interested in the apartment and that we are planning to move out as soon as we find an apartment or house acceptable to move into. The hindrance here is that my wife (and I) really like the apartment and its location within the community, and I want to avoid the ordeal of hiring a U-Haul, packing everything up all over again (we haven't unpacked yet because we knew there were issues with the landlord, but nevertheless we have unpacked a good number of boxes just to find items needed for daily use) and moving all over again with a new set of negotiations and a new lease negotiation, etc. Plus, unlike the last time we moved, now I am employed and so any moving will have to be on a Sunday, which will cut into the only day I have available to rest from the work week. All this being said, the landlord *is* a problem, and they have caused us much stress, and we don't expect them to cause us any fewer problems in the future. Lastly, we expect problems from them regarding the security deposit when we move out, and I am not so sure I want to enter into an agreement knowing down the like the landlord is likely to breach that agreement upon us leaving.

Letter to friend about what is happening with us.

Sam & Joy,

I took a job outside New York City which started on Jan 3rd, and so we moved to Crown Heights. We’re not so far away, except we’re having landlord issues (he keeps changing the terms on us and won’t sign a lease) and so we might need to find another apartment. Last week (my first week on the job) I almost got fired for taking off early on Friday afternoon for Shabbos. With the new job and all my free time sucked away, it’s difficult to take care of everything, especially with one car and pressures from work to be the super-worker and not ever taking lunch because they are looking at me negatively from the Shabbos issue.

My wife, my son, and I do appear to be cocooning a bit, but that is because she is stuck at home without a car or internet, I am stuck at work with the car but no time, and our son is as cute as ever growing into a little boy who is starting to make talking sounds. My work is over an hour away from the house, but this was the best Jewish community with reasonable rent within driving distance, so to schlep my wife and our son with me to work just to give her the car for a few hours (driving home and back will take close to 3 hours of driving alone) is a big hassle for everybody.

We’re not unpacked, and we have no washer or dryer. We have no telephone service at the house (landlord won’t release their phone line to us), and no internet (now I’m using a weak wi-fi signal to connect, albeit the connection is SLOW). So we’re kind of in a tough place right now, but this is the best place we’ve ever been yet. We just have to let things figure themselves out with time.

We’ll resurface soon and will invite you guys over to our house (wherever we end up living) soon, or we’ll go over there soon. I’m just trying to figure out the details because things are difficult now from so many angles.

How are you doing?

Zoe

Lease Term Dealbreakers.

Okay, here are the terms of the lease that we agreed to when we gave our first month's rent and agreed to rent the apartment. The rent we are paying is higher than the norm, but that is because we were promised some benefits that were recently taken away by the landlord's adult children.

Firstly, the landlords agreed to rent the apartment as an annual lease with us (tennant) having the option to renew the lease for 3-5 years. After we moved in, the landlord's wife came over and said that we can't stay here longer than a year.

Next, when we agreed to pay security, they also wanted us to pay the last month's rent as well. We were okay with that for a 3-5 year lease, but now that they changed the deal to a one-year lease, we are not willing to agree to pay last month's rent for a one-year lease. This wasn't the deal, especially because we have every intention of applying the security to the last month's rent (and we have nothing wrong with telling them that. All that would happen is that 30 days before the lease is over, we would invite the landlords over for a walk-through inspection. If they find no damage which would make them apply a claim against our security, we would apply the security to the last month's rent. If they find damage, then we wouldn't apply the security and we would resolve their damage claim.)

Additionally, we are nervous to even give a security deposit to them in the first place because (with good reason and many examples) we are convinced that they have every intent on trying to keep the security deposit at the end of the lease term, regardless of whether we cause any damage to the property. Nevertheless, we are still willing to give the security deposit.

Next, when they showed us the house, we were told there was a working washing machine and dryer that we were to have exclusive access to. When her son moved out, he took the washing machine with him, leaving us a broken washing machine. Oh, and the dryer is now broken too. When we approached the son about it, he said, "we never provide washing machines nor do we provide dryers to tenants as a rule. Whatever my parents said was wrong and we are not providing this." Both myself and my wife believe that having a W/D was an essential part of the apartment; we would never have rented it without one.

Lastly, there are repairs that must be made before the house becomes bearable. Firstly, we have only one key to the apartment, and the door lock is so old that when we made copies of keys (twice), they did not work. Sharing a key with my wife (where both of us go out during the day, me to work and her shopping) will be highly convenient. Secondly, the top lock (which is required for safety because our door is accessed from outside which isn't the safest neighborhood in the world) has no key. The landlord's son told us to buy a replacement lock and he'll replace it; we purchased the lock, but for days now he hasn't replaced it. Same deal with the showerhead -- there was none. They told me to purchase a replacement, and I did, but it's sitting there with the lock. Additionally, the landlord broke our halogen light bulb when he touched it, and has not replaced it even though we have a replacement bulb.

All of these things might seem like little things, but to us they were dealbreakers. And the fact that the landlord is *still* a no-show shows us the kind of respect he has for us. After all this waiting, it looks to me that I will have a conversation tonight where we will decide that at the end of the month, we will be moving out of this apartment for good.

Landlord giving us lease issues.

My wife and I are sitting here in our unlit living room waiting for the real landlord to show up and negotiate a lease with us... It has almost been two weeks, and we have still not unpacked because we have felt uneasy in our new home because our landlords, as nice as they appear to be, keep acting all innocent and then keep doing things that are totally sledgehammer sneaky. The latest event was our lease.

Since we moved in (and even since we initially negotiated the rent for the apartment), we have been asking almost daily for the lease. The landlords have been hoo-ha'ing and playing dumb about not having the lease. ...then yesterday, the landlord's daughter shows up with the most nasty, one-sided, evil lease agreement that I have ever seen, with 42 clauses in it which by breathing puts us in danger of being in breach and losing all of our deposits and getting forcibly ejected from the premises. My Rabbi thinks that they gave us this lease with the knowledge and intention that we *don't* sign it and that we will leave. Alternatively, if we did sign it, by living a regular daily life, we would be guaranteed to breech and would almost certainly expose ourselves to being sued and losing all of our possessions.

So I pulled down a standard New York Residential Lease which is a simple lease based on the laws of New York, and I set up an appointment with the landlord for him to come over at 9pm (that was five minutes ago) to discuss the lease terms and to sign the lease. The landlord was a no-show. Instead, his daughter came over again asking about the lease she gave me yesterday. I told her the lease was one-sided and was not acceptable, and that we would not sign it. She happily said, "Oh, well I have another lease at my house." I walked over with her and she gave me a slightly more friendly, but still one-sided lease. I'm waiting now, however, for her father to come over so that we can talk about the lease, landlord to tenant. Apparently, she didn't know that her father was coming over. Or, maybe it was her father that sent her over in the first place.

Either way, again, the landlord is a no-show, and we're not signing the lease until certain pre-agreed essential terms are placed in the lease, and the daughter has neglected to insert them, even after we stressed that they must be in the lease.

So in short, this is a tough situation. The daughter of the landlord plays such a sweet innocent role, but then she has sharp teeth and has a strong bite by trying to convince us to sign an unacceptable lease. I'll go over the terms in the next e-mail.

In apartment, but still NO LEASE.

I am relieved to say that after our landlords kicked us out of the apartment last Wednesday and told us to turn the U-Haul around and go back home to Colorado (what a nightmare that almost was), I was surprised to see that on Tuesday (Jan 1st, 2008), they let us into the apartment and gave us a key. However, we still have NO LEASE.

We knew we were coming back here on Jan 1st to move in, so on our way back to New York, we stopped at the gravesite of [inter alia] the Lubavicher Rebbe (a.k.a. "The Ohel"). I wrote a letter (a Pidyon Nefesh) to the Rebbe, and in my report, I told the Rebbe what was happening with the landlords (who we were afraid wouldn't give us possession of the apartment when we got there), and I even named the landlords BY THEIR HEBREW NAMES in my report -- at least then, the Rebbe and G-d will be notified of them by name rather than just "there are landlords who are cheating us by not letting us move in after taking our money."

When we got to the apartment the following day, they were friendly (and the parents were even slightly apologetic for what happened) because I hope they felt bad about what they did.

However, per our plan, my wife and I *ONLY* spoke to them in English, because I felt that since these were Sefardi Israelis, if we spoke to them in Hebrew or even their own language, they would lure us into playing their game with their rules and their mentality. I felt it was better to speak to them in English (they do speak English, by the way) so that they know that they are not dealing with their own kind, but with Americans, and that we would sue them and would call the police if they didn't let us back into the apartment which contained all of our possesions from the previous Wednesday's move (as you know, in the end my wife convinced them to let us move our possessions into the apartment, but they didn't give us a key or a lease.)

So here is where we are now. We are in the apartment, but we have no lease. I told my wife not to unpack anything unnecessary until we had a signed lease that listed the terms we all agreed to when they took our initial rent deposit. Because they changed the terms of the lease from an annual lease with an option to renew for five years, unless they put that option in the contract (which they likely won't because their son wants the apartment for himself and his girlfriend), we are refusing to give the security deposit or last month's rent in advance (as they have demanded) unless they put a release clause in the lease that says that we (tenants) have the right to terminate the lease without penalty with 30 days notice to the landlord. The reason for this is that if we have no lease, then we are a month-to-month tenant. It makes no sense to give them two-months security if they can kick us out in one month and make up excuses why not to give us back the security and have us chase after them in court to retrieve it. However, if they put the 30-day release clause into the lease, we'll give them the security deposit. If they give us the 5 year option (or even a 3 year option), we'll also give them the last month's rent.

You say this is gutsy of us and that we should just take the lease, but we don't want to have to pack everything up and pay another few hundred to a thousand dollars to move again in 11 months from now. The reason we agreed to rent *this* apartment was because they agreed to the option to renew for 5 years as a condition precedent to us taking the apartment and giving them the initial deposit. Further, you probably will ask me whether a 1 year lease is better than no lease (a.k.a. a month-to-month oral lease), but I say it is not because if we don't have a home in 11 months, then we will be looking for a place now (likely to move in the following month), and we don't want to put money into this apartment just to leave in a few months. Additionally, if we agree to the 1 year lease, then we will be STUCK here even if we do find another place, and we don't want that. We moved here and leased this particular apartment with the intention of staying here for many years (which the landlords agreed to, but changed their minds after we moved in).

I suppose I'm not worried because I took the NY bar, and I know the New York rules for landlord-tenant law. At the very worst case, if they don't sign the lease, we can sue them for the moving expenses and the costs to find a similar apartment, and further, we can always threaten to not move out and force them to evict us (although we would never do this, but we would threaten this if they were not reasonable in the terms of the lease and if they demanded that we move out if we don't do what they demand of us.) Yes, it is totally their house, but this is New York, and they are bound by contract law and the terms of their oral agreement. [As a side note, we are not protected by the oral agreement because in New York, leases for more then a year MUST be in writing or else they are not enforceable. However, at the very least, we could sue them for breach of contract for having us move in and then changing the terms of the agreement.]

Employed, Hindsight into Past Poverty, Prayer, and Planning.

I know nobody likes a blogger who writes about how wonderful things are, but in spite of all my ranting, I *am* relieved that G-d came through for me and my family in such a time of need. I'm not sure if I told you this, but our circumstances were dire because my wife left work to stay full-time at home with our baby and I committed to work full-time at the PCT practice with the firm that I was remotely working for. The problem is that at that exact day that my wife quit, the USPTO stopped giving my firm business because other examiners were falling behind on their deadlines. To add to the difficulty of matters, when scraps would be thrown my way to keep me from quitting when I threatened to quit using terms such as "constructive unemployment" (they don't fire you, but legally, because of the circumstances, it is as if they did), the level of difficulty of those cases were FAR BEYOND my skill set and I physically did not have the technical skills to kill the patent (or even understand them for that matter), so for a few months, my income was literally ZERO and we were 100% living off of the savings from when times were better. So as much of a coincidence it is that the job came when it did, the job also came just as we had run out of the savings that we were living off of to survive.

All-in-all, I'm relieved and thankful to G-d. As a tribute to Hashem (G-d), contrary to what most people do, when good times come, I increase in my yiddishkeit (religious observance) to say thank you to Hashem. Consequently, when things go bad (and this is a problem, I know), while most people pray to Hashem to help them change their situation, I get annoyed at Him for testing me and I often decline in my religious observance by missing minyans, lessening in my Torah study, etc. This isn't intentional, but because during bad times, while I should be doubling my effort in my studies and in my prayer, I double my efforts in remedying the situation in a physical way (such as sending out more resumes and e-mails, calling firms, and working many many hours just to get by). My mashpia (spiritual advisor and Rabbi) tells me that while I should also be davening to Hashem during the bad times, that my actions are understandable because I have a healthy relationship with G-d, and that I get angry at Him when it appears that He has hurt me as one would get angry at a loved one. However, that doesn't excuse my actions (or lack thereof) when things go bad. I just thought this was an interesting side note.

So where am I now? I've been trying to figure out financially how to replenish the deep loss of our savings account from the lack of income these past few months, how to pay off the thousands of dollars in bills that have accumulated, and how to pay for all our new expenses here in the city with the cost of living now increased significantly and still either put away enough into the 401K to retire comfortably or whether to take that money and instead of investing it pre-tax, to pay off my private law school loans with it (which are now hovering at around 10% interest which keeps compounding). I think this is probably the smarter idea.

One last thing. I wanted to mention how wonderful it is to have a wife who is such a hard worker as mine is in keeping our child happy and who works so hard in keeping our family healthy and fed. I don't know where I would be without her. I don't know how I ever managed without her.

My year 2007 in review.

POSITIVES:
Studied for USPTO Patent Bar Exam. Passed exam on first try. Got admitted in Colorado and in New York as an attorney. Worked various short-term document review jobs. Had my first son born to me. Grew my relationship with my wife and our family. Worked around the clock for almost nothing examining patent applications under the Patent Cooperation Treaty (PCT). Wife quit work to stay with baby; my job stopped giving me work (no paycheck for months). Teshuva through Yom Kippur. Set deadline of November 1st to move out of Colorado and to get a job. Searched for jobs as a patent attorney everywhere. Sent resumes, received rejection letters. Moved out of Colorado by December 1st. Found job though friend. Started online classes to learn electrical engineering. Moved to New York to start new job.

NEGATIVES:
Did not work on self. Abandoned hobbies and life value goals to free up time to work. Ate terribly; gained considerable weight. Paid annual membership to gym twice without going once in between payments. Saw too many movies. While improved in prayer skills, retreated in other areas of discipline. Did not control anger. Did not control sleeping patterns. Lost friends. Fell into depression undetected by others. Still in it. Still undetected. I expect to pull out of it very soon.

What will happen Tuesday with the landlords...

As I sit here awake and unable to sleep, I think about all of the events that are about to unfold the day after tomorrow. Will we be given access to our apartment? or will we have to call the police to demand access? Will the landlords give over the apartment peacefully? or will they try to stop us from moving in which will force us to find another place and sue for the moving expenses?

Crown Heights is a very big town, but very small in that everybody knows about what goes on with everybody else. If we take the apartment by force, who will want to rent to us when we move out? I fear that we will be doing a Chilul Hashem by enforcing the stronghold of the law on our snake-like landlords who pretend to be helpless and weak yet are sly and quick. On the one hand, while I want to throw the book at them and teach them a lesson they will never forget, the lesson they will never forget is to never rent an apartment to a Jewish lawyer rather than mending their lying ways.

I can respect that the landlord's son moved back home unexpectedly, and I can respect the parents defending their son who wants to live in his apartment that the parents rented out, but instead of lying to us and lying about all of the details (such as about the keys, about the lease, and other elements), I wish they came clean and apologetically said, "We're sorry about this; we couldn't know this would happen. Here is your deposit back. Please stay here while you find another place. We'll pay for your moving costs and we're sorry for the inconvenience."

I honestly don't know what Tuesday will bring. I am hopeful that somehow G-d will intervene and will make everything right. However, recently, he has set his eyes on me and has been paying attention to me by hitting me with unfair penalties and parking tickets and other expenses which are totally acts of G-d (one after another), and while I am happy that I feel as if I am doing something to get His attention, I don't want him to be testing me over and over again. I can't deal with too much more stress and I wish more than anything for a peaceful and happy life with Shalom Bayis, a large thriving family, and a life with absolutely no pain, no sickness, and no poverty. I am already overexerting myself with the online courses that I am taking so that I can move myself closer to a degree along with the new job and keeping a happy wife and family, all while living the life of a frum Jew which includes going to minyanim to pray multiple times each day, and learning Torah each and every day. I can't take more than this.

Apartment Nightmare (Continued)

Last week, I gave you the summary version of what happened. In the end, we did stay there last night because I refused to leave after being kicked out of our own apartment that we had just taken possession of. That evening, they were telling us that they had keys for us, but when we were leaving in the morning and we asked the landlord for the keys, she made up some story that they were their only copy when we were told the evening before that those keys were our copy to take with us. It was then that I didn’t think fast enough to refuse to leave without keys and my wife didn’t want to start another fight with them.

The only documentation that we have from them is a signed receipt from them which indicates that the receipt is for rent for the property at that address. Additionally, before this happened, we changed our forwarding address with the US Post Office to that address, and changed all our bank statements, etc. to that address so when we get there on Tuesday, I’ll have mail there in my name. Additionally, we have our U-Haul receipt and the receipt for the movers which show that they loaded our stuff from Denver and unloaded at the NY address.

Lastly, we are going there on Jan 1st to move in. There are many issues yet to be resolved where they originally agreed to various terms, and then last week, changed their minds after we moved in. My suspicion is that when we get there they won’t let us into the apartment before agreeing to their new terms which means that for the first time, I’ll have to call the police to force them to let us in. I hate the idea of occupying an apartment by force, but because they have our rent money for the month and I don’t think I can get it back from them, we’ll stay there for the month while we look for another place.

I think that as an attorney, the best thing that could have happened is that they let us move in. Had they not let us move in, we wouldn’t have possession of the apartment and the issue would be simply damages -- how to get the rent deposit back from them and how to sue them for the costs and moving fees involved in finding a reasonable replacement apartment on such short notice.

My wife thinks that I shouldn’t be thinking so negatively and that we should just hope they let us in. If (my wife says "if," I say "when") they don’t agree to the terms in the lease that they originally agreed to, she thinks that we should just live there on a month-to-month oral lease while we look for another place, and as soon as another place opens up, we should move out and sue them for the moving costs we incur because we are moving because they broke their oral lease (keep in mind that leases only need to be in writing when they are for longer than a year). In the meantime, we won’t unpack all of our boxes (only the ones we’ll need for daily living) and we won’t invest money into the place for rugs, etc. as my wife planned to.

You know that I hate a lawsuit more than anyone in the world, but between you and me, this is the first time I feel that I will be forced to be in one. This is truly a messed up situation. I wish we never took this apartment.

Zoe

"Yechi" Lubavich Mishichist Camp Loses Court Battle.

By the way, I am not one to get involved in the fighting between the "Yechi" mishichist sect and the non-Yechi camp within the Lubavich movement, but I heard from a friend that on Thursday, there was a decision in the court case over which of the two groups "owned" (a.k.a. had rights to) 770 Eastern Parkway ("770").

The decision was that 770 belongs to the non-yechi camp.

In short, the two camps, both divided and both followers of the Lubavicher Rebbe, have opposing views of how to view the Rebbe now that he has passed on. The yechi camp, also known as the mishichist camp view the Rebbe as Moshiach (the Massiah). The non-yechi camp view the Rebbe as their leader, but only potentially Moshiach, (but because his body is dead and buried at the Ohel, so far he is not Moshiach).

In Chassidus (the mystical teachings of Torah), there is the concept of each Rebbe being moshiach, meaning that he brings people closer to G-d and that he reveals new aspects of Torah, etc., however that doesn't mean that he is the Moshiach (the Messiach that Jews are waiting for).

Anyway, the importance of this court decision is that since the Lubavicher Rebbe's death around 10 years ago (probably longer by now), the yechi camp has taken over 770 Eastern Parkway ("770") to the exclusion of the non-yechi Lubavichers. Most shluchim (emmissaries sent to various places in the world by the Rebbe to open up Chabad Houses and bring Jews closer to G-d) are non-yechi, regardless of what their personal beliefs are about the Rebbe and whether when Moshiach comes, whether it will be the Rebbe. These shluchim congregate in Crown Heights, Brooklyn once each year for the annual convention. The problem is that last year, one Yechi guy threw a bench at the shluchim, another threw a Gemara at one, and yet another set of them blocked entry by forming a linked-chain to prevent the shluchim from entering 770. Further, last year (or the year before, I can't remember), they blasted music that made being in 770 unbearable, and overall, have caused many problems for the Lubavich movement by infiltrating the Lubavich schools and teaching the children moshichist beliefs, some of which don't have a basis in Torah (although they will prove to you otherwise).

All this being said, the court decided that 770 belongs to the non-yechis, so this is a big victory for us. However, the meaningfulness of this though is limited, because it is almost certain that the Yechi camp will appeal this decision and it will go back to court for another round.

My personal view is that there should be no division between Jews, but the reality of it is that there are different beliefs, and often enough, both belief sets are right. G-d is infinite, and is expressed in infinite ways. It only makes sense that one group of Jews believe that he should be worshipped with fear and others to believe that he should be worshipped with love. Similarly within the Lubavich movement -- obviously the Rebbe was a great Jew and a Tzaddik in our time. Also, the Rebbe has the capacity to be Moshiach and may very well be (we will see soon when Moshiach comes). However, now that the Rebbe is dead, it makes sense that there will be a group of Jews who believe that if we call him forth to be Moshiach, that will influence him to come back sooner; thus, the yechi camps go to extremes to try to get people to acknowledge that he is Moshiach (similar to how people tried to convince others that JC was the son-of-G-d and that he had not died). Then there is the non-yechi camp who believes that following the Rebbe's teachings will bring Moshiach sooner (whoever Moshiach ends up being). This seems to me to be the essence of the division between the two camps.

Apartment Nightmare!

After being so excited about getting the New York apartment, when we got there on Wednesday night to move in, the landlord's adult kids were back from some foreign country and were living in their parent's vacant apartment that we rented; they put up a fight and did not want to move out and even tried to block us from moving in by screaming that we should turn the [one-way] U-Haul around and go back to Colorado. On top of that, we paid for movers by the hour on both ends to help pack the truck and unpack the truck, and the movers were standing there for over an hour in the rain while this whole thing was happening.

Even though in the end the landlords let us put our stuff there, they told us we couldn't stay there and had to go home. They lied about several things [including telling us that they didn't have a lease when a few hours earlier, they told us they had one and were ready for us to move in, among other things] and when we were leaving, they wouldn't give us the keys to the apartment. Stressed from the whole situation, I didn't think fast enough to demand the keys before we agreed to leave with all of our possessions locked in their apartment.

So as it stands, all of our possessions are behind locked doors and the landlord's kids are in that apartment with all of our possessions. Apparently, we were told that we could move in no earlier than this Tuesday (Jan 1), but I'm sensing that the landlords don't want to rent the place to us at all. I'm not exactly sure what to do. Between you and me, this could turn into a messy lawsuit, especially if they don't give us possession on Jan 1st, but I'm trying to avoid that and am trying to get possession of the apartment and our belongings without calling the police and demanding entry and access to our stuff. On top of that, they already have our rent deposit. Legally, I am of the opinion that we took possession of the apartment when the landlords allowed us to move in on Wednesday night before kicking us out and telling us that we had to leave.

I'll write again after the weekend to let you know how things are going.

Divine Providence Story -- We found an Apartment!

It has been quite a busy two days. Because my job is in New York, my wife and I went around New York to look for apartments. We looked in the city and we looked in Long Island, but it was too big to see in just two days. We decided to go to Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and look for apartments there. We drove around looking for "for rent" signs, checked out a few horrific apartments, and stayed near the airport after our first night quite exhausted.

Day two, we drove around Long Island, but the Jewish neighborhoods that were recommended to us seemed so residential that it was so hard to find apartments for rent. We visited a few of the local Chabad houses, but it seemed that many of them were there for the non-religious community to give them an atmosphere for growth in their yiddishkeit. I spoke to one young Rabbi who told me that aside from me, there would be few Jews at morning minyan (prayer) who had a beard like me. I thought, "okay, there's a Jewish community here, although it's not a frum (religious) community, at least there are restaurants here and places to pray." The problem was that the cost of the apartments were extremely high, and we couldn't find anything respectable for less than $1200 per month when we wanted to pay less than a thousand dollars of rent per month.

Towards the afternoon, my wife suggested that we go back to Crown Heights because she saw an apartment complex online that advertised large apartments. I wanted to make sure that I was within a mile of the large Jewish community, and this one was 1.3 miles. The apartment complex was a few blocks off of Eastern Parkway, but a few blocks away from the Jewish community. However, we knew that there were thousands of Jews here, so some must have lived here. We saw an apartment complex where the rent was $850 for a large apartment -- new carpets, nice kitchen, nice bedroom. We were very excited to have found a place, and the man showing the apartment said that all we needed to get into the apartment was one of their applications and a $100 deposit. Sweet!

We drove all around looking for the post office, and finally we found on on the other side of town on Empire Blvd (the people working there were very rude, by the way), and we got a $100 money order and drove back to the apartment complex. Happy that we secured our spot, we drove over to one of the restaurants on Kingston Ave. Someone saw me and asked if I was new to the area (my bluish shirt probably gave me away, even though most days I wear white), and I told them of our success. He asked me where I found the apartment, and I told him. He stood up, walked over to me and in a quiet voice, he said, "You made a mistake. That's a dangerous part of town and there are no Jews there. That is outside the community." He proceeded to tell me about the police officer that was recently shot and the Jewish man who was killed in that area a year ago while moving his car to the other side of the street. He then proceeded to make a few phone calls to someone who knew of a few open apartments.

The restaurant owner overheard our conversation and told me that his cousin owns a home which has apartments in it that he rents out. My wife and I were happy to look into it, but we were leaving NY that evening. He made a few phone calls right there on the spot and told us that if we waited half an hour, the guy who owns the house will show us the apartment. It was a beautiful apartment right in the middle of the Jewish neighborhood, and we left a deposit, and so we will soon be Crown Heights residents.

Later on when talking to my wife, while she was very happy that we finally have an apartment (albeit still in a city -- we preferred to have chickens in our back yard), both she and I were annoyed that G-d had to have us lose $100 to find this place. Thinking about it for a moment, if we didn't spend all that time going to the post office and dealing with the rude women behind the desk, we would have gotten dinner one hour early and we would have missed the guy and the whole conversation about housing, and the owner of the restaurant might have never overheard us talking and wouldn't have suggested his cousin's apartment house to us and thus we realized that finding this apartment was completely by divine providence. After thinking about this and relating it to my wife, we both stood there stunned because we were amazed by the coincidences that happened today.

So B"H, I have my attorney job, a salary, and now we have an apartment and a community to live in. I am very excited by the stability that we hope is soon to follow. Baruch Hashem (thank G-d), We have come a very long way from being unemployed and out of law school to being a patent attorney in New York City (the job isn't patent prosecution, but it is close enough doing contract work, licensing, etc.)

Resolution of fight with wife... I won.

Just as the bad turned to worse, my wife and I had it out this morning. She was angry that as soon as we got back at my aunt's house where we are staying (she is living in a Jewish boat community in another state for the winter months), I sat down in front of the TV and zoned out. She was still upset that I wasn't holding the baby so that she could look for apartments.

The fight progressed into unrelated topics (when people are angry, it is often hard to stay on topic because so many hurts come to the surface) and then when I returned to the topic of appreciation she said the biggest insult of all which was that I didn't respect her when she went to work for a year while I was home doing who knows what. I almost flipped because I feel even now that I worked harder then than I ever did to find a job because my goal was to give her the home that she deserved and the life that she deserved instead of sending her off to work each day while I did the laundry. Plus, it killed me that she had to work (aka that she had work and I didn't) while I was home and the hardest part was convincing her that while I wasn't bringing in any money, that job hunting was the biggest killer of my energy and time and that I was fully enmeshed in it while she was at work.

Anyway, back to our argument, I saw that she was past the cool and calm point that she usually fights from, and I was also past the calm but highly annoyed point because in a ferocious tone (but still controlled) I told her that she was acting like a "B-I-T-C-H" (even during our argument I spelled it out instead of saying it) and at that point, the fight escalated to her almost crying, but I didn't back off the way I usually do at that point; I wanted to hear what she had to say because I thought that maybe I was wrong.

In short, she was feeling overwhelmed with everything she was doing and she thought I was telling her that she wasn't doing anything right, when I was just telling her that she wasn't doing the apartment hunting right. I then (I was crying at this point, but she didn't notice) told her that she does things as a mother that take so much devotion and skill that I could never do them nearly as good as her and that I am always impressed by the level of love and devotion that she gives our son and that I think she is amazing for being able to do that. Then she softened in her tone, but she couldn't understand why I needed to feel appreciated when she does what she does without the need for appreciation.
I then proceeded to tell her that some people have a need for appreciation and others simply don't; I do. I went into a few examples of why I need appreciation, and that being of the male race, we need it more than females do and this is just the way we are.

As soon as I saw that she acknowledged that I work hard and that she understood that we both worked extremely hard to get to where we are, I softened up because all I wanted from our conversation was to express the need that I needed to feel appreciation because I felt that she wasn't appreciating any of the work that I have done over the time we have known eachother to get us to where we are today.

While I am never proud of fighting with my wife, and while I am not happy with the way things went last night and the majority of this morning's fight (she went to bed without saying goodnight; I slept in another room; we both woke up angry and frazzled), I would say that this turned out to be one of our best fights because I felt that the way we fought in the end made her feel as if I understood her completely without either of us budging one teeny bit from our underlying points. I am not happy that I won the fight, because all in all I did win it, not by destroying her (chos v'sholom -- I never degrade her or insult her, and I try never to even fight in anger), but by communicating skillfully and lovingly. After all, nobody will doubt that she is an amazing mother, and nobody will doubt that she spends every second of her life devoted to our son's every waking moment. She just didn't realize that I was feeling unappreciated for the things we have accomplished.

Zoe

PS - As I am writing, she is sitting across from me looking at apartments. We spoke about our fight this morning and laughed at the point that I felt that I won this morning's fight -- she said the reason I was so excited about it was because I usually end up being wrong and so winning a fight is a rare thing for me. I love my wife.

Sounds from this blog?

By the way, has anyone noticed any radio, sounds, or music playing when this blog is on? I think there is a programming glitch in the web site which I need to fix.

Friction when joy should be here.

Hi all. I'm very tired from a whole day of packing and traveling back home, and now on top of everything, I am angry and frustrated so I figured I would vent my frustration here on the blog.

The trip to my mother's house overall went well; the next day after the fight it was as if the fight never happened. I thought about saying something to my mom about what happened, but I didn't think that she understood what she did wrong, and I wasn't in the mood for a rehash of the previous night's argument. Yes, calling me selfish shouldn't have set me off, but it was more the fact that my mother was insulting me and calling me names in front of my wife that got me annoyed. One thing that I have found to be paramount to a good relationship is respect by both the husband and the wife for one another, and if I let my mom step all over me, that would have sent a message to my wife that it would have been okay for her to do that too and I don't believe this is kind of interaction would be acceptable in a marriage. I got angry because firstly, she was wrong -- I am far from selfish, and secondly, her actions put me in a situation where my wife was watching how I reacted to my mother's instigations and she would have judged me negatively if I lost my temper.

Now moving forward in time... My wife and I had an argument and I am not so sure I was in the right this time. Happy news, I got a job offer which I accepted just a few days ago. As you know, I worked tirelessly applying to jobs and going on interviews for over a year and I took dead-end jobs with killer hours and sometimes non-existent salaries just to get experience and to pay the bills, and it wasn't easy. There has been a lot going on since with an enormous amount of responsibilities, I have had very little energy when I am not giving my all to the projects I have been working on, or to being a good husband and father by spending quality time with my wife and my son. Since we have been spending so much time away from our non-existent home (we moved out of our apartment as planned and have been living out of a suitcase while visiting either the in-laws or my parents since the end of November) my wife is getting antsy about the fact that we don't have a home to live in. What annoys me is that it was our plan to do this -- move out by the end of November, have a goal to find a job by the beginning of December. Well, G-d took a little longer than we expected, but we are two weeks into December and I have a new job in a new place.

I took responsibility for various things, and the only thing my wife took responsibility for in this whole slew of moving our lives to the next chapter was to find us an apartment, particularly because she had such a strong interest in exactly what it looked like, etc. so to give her what she wanted, I let her take care of the apartment searching.

Needless to say, she has dabbled in apartment hunting, but I don't think she has done anything substantial. I haven't faulted her for this, nor have I even said anything to her, but now (tonight) she started a tirade of complaining that it was my fault that she didn't find an apartment because I wasn't taking care of the baby and she can't live out of a suitcase anymore and that she wants to live in a hotel until we find an apartment.

As per her claims, I don't deny that she spends a majority of time taking care of the baby -- she is an amazing mother and devotes her whole life to taking care of our baby. She stays up at nights for him, feeds him and holds him, takes care of his napping schedule, takes care of his eating schedule, and she cottles him when he needs her attention. As things would have it, I am our son's entertainment. I hold him quite frequently and I give my wife as many breaks as I possibly can, and I play with him multiple times daily. I talk to him, play with him, and watch him, and although I sometimes feed him or bathe him or change his diaper, the quantity of times I have done this doesn't hold a candle to the number of times my wife does it regularly. However, the last thing someone would say is that I am lazy -- I am more involved in my son's life and I spend significantly more time each hour with him than most fathers would with their sons. I just feel that the way my wife and I have been built with regard to what each of us can contribute to the baby, she takes care of the things she does because she was made for this. She never let me give him formula because twice when he was an infant, he vomited from it, and so we rely on her to feed him.

Okay, I'm tired and off topic. However, in short, she is nudging me about not finding an apartment when this was the only responsibility she has taken on other than taking care of the baby in the capacity of a mother. I would be happy to go out and find an apartment, but then it is she that wanted the task and it is she that has to ultimately live in it. I am just annoyed because I feel that I have done my part by taking care of everything that I needed to and she hasn't done her part that she committed to. You can be critical of me by saying that we should be working together as a team, but that means that she should be doing her part.

All this being said, I feel that it is important for each of us to do what we are supposed to do, and while she sleeps late while I wake up early in the morning to go to minyan and to work and to learn Torah and to go back to school and get the degree and to take care of our finances and to constantly cater to her needs and to be a good father and to be a good husband, I get frustrated when she doesn't understand when I am burnt out and low in energy and when I cannot do her part as well.

I know I'm not saying much, but I am just ranting because I am not feeling appreciated. Maybe she isn't feeling appreciated either, but I don't understand how because I've gone far beyond what a husband should do for his wife on so many levels. I'm not fighting with her and our communication is open, but for the moment I am feeling a bit overwhelmed because she is causing a bit of friction between us when I feel that she should be very excited from the job we have landed and from the lifestyle I am about to provide for her. I just want her to be proud of me and appreciative of the work I have done to get us where we are.

Strained Relationship with Mother

I know it has been so long since I've written consistently and I've probably lost all of you as readers, so I suppose this blog entry will be seen by few if any.

I am in California visiting my mom with my wife and my son. We came here because I needed a break from my not-so-full-time job which wasn't bringing in any money. Actually, we came here because we thought it would be a vacation where my wife and I would give my mother who has been an absentee grandmother living all the way on the west coast next to the richest neighborhood in the country a chance to spend some quality time with our son. Obviously, having the opportunity to have a babysitter is also what we wanted, along with a chance to spend some quality time with my wife who has been so helpful and patient during these hard financial months.

My mother has been very kind to us, driving us wherever we want to go, and cooking for us and giving us her every moment of time, but something has been wrong. She has not been letting my wife and me move around and she has held us back from getting our own transportation essentially secluding us in and around her apartment. We tried to rebel by wanting to go off on our own and to rent our own car, but then she turned kind and generous and offered us her car only to revoke that offer every time we need it. We decided that this is the way grandmas house is and that we'll remember to get our own car and our own hotel next time we come to visit.

However, as nice as we have been, tonight my mom turned nasty. Over the many years we have all had issues with my mom and computers, or her intentional lack of knowledge regarding them. I learned early to avoid computer conversations with her, but my sister has always gotten sucked into them always leading to fights. Tonight she told my mom to hit "refresh" regarding one of my mom's computer problems. She asked me how and I told her "hit the F5 button." When she told me that nothing was happening, I told her that I wouldn't help her further because obviously I didn't want to get into one of those conversations with her. She then started mumbling to herself and calling me names. She called out, "you are selfish!". After calling me selfish, I walked over to her and quietly (but angrily and forcefully) said, "don't you ever call me selfish and don't you ever embarass me in front of my wife."

While she was wrong in what a mother-in-law should and should not say to poison the relationship between a mother and a son, and while I was wrong for saying a "don't you dare" to my mother because that showed lack of respect for my mother, I am hurt because I feel that my mother was uncarefully playing games with my life and with my family by trying to make me lose my cool in front of my wife, all because I wouldn't help her with her computer.

Now I am upset because I feel that my relationship with my mother is strained, and this could be a permanent strain. Between you and me, I really just want to pack up and leave this place. This environment is poisonous for my family.

Waiting for an offer...

I had one of those good conversations with my wife the other day where I felt really good that she was able to hear me. I confided in her that I was scared for us and for our son because it didn't look like a job was going to happen any time soon. [I know I wasn't going to dwell on this, but it is on my mind.]

I've been joking with myself and with G-d that maybe I'll go back to school for an EE degree. But all this time, I've been hoping to just get a job and start working. I've been going on interviews for non-patent related jobs (one even as a paralegal), but surprisingly, nothing has turned into an offer.

I'm annoyed (and scared) that you have a degree and you come from a top school and yet you still have problems getting an IP job.

I've received a few e-mails and comments from people who are in the same place as I am... Married with a child, survived law school, passed the bar, passed the patent bar, but have no technical science background, or at least no undergraduate degree they can use to get a job at a patent law firm.

Yet I don't want you to join my pity party. My posts are my feelings and my expressions. There is work for people who can handle the technical side of it. While I cannot (yet), I will be able to soon.

Then there are those of you who compassionately tell me "you barked up the wrong tree. Patent law is not for you, neither is IP law." While you might be right, there is nothing else I could do except knock down doors and make it happen, because being past the USPTO exam, I am too far along to just say "oh well." [RANT:] I might not be an ivy league lawyer who carries my school name as a badge in order to get ahead in life, but I *am* an authentic lawyer who worked extremely hard to get where I am.

For some reason, the world is all screwy and the prestige of the school you come from determines who will hire you or even look at your resume. I hope to G-d that one day your badge burns and employers look at you for who you are, not what school mascot is on your ring. If I could have gone to a top school, I would have, but unlike your natural talents (a.k.a. minimal effort, maximum reward), I worked day and night studying like who knows what to ace the LSATs, but instead, my score was only slightly above average, as has always been the case when it came to my schooling, my grades, and my education.

I went to a state school for college because that was all I was told I could ever attend. I applied to two schools, got into both of them, and attended the one that was more in line with my aspirations. (Believe it or not, in high school, my guidance counselor told me, "perhaps you are not the kind of person that should go to college.") Even in high school, I ambitiously reached for the advanced placement classes and the honors classes [which consequently caused my grades to decline because the work was so much harder and I even got kicked out of AP European History because I wasn't understanding the material like my classmates were] while the morons in remedial classes got into Yale.

I went to college against my guidance counselor's advice and I worked hard to survive in college. Then when it came to doing the work, I always worked as hard as I could, and the same went for the LSAT studies. But my scores were what they were and my school was the best I could have gotten into, and I am a lawyer today because I did the best I could. We didn't have curves in our school that make everyone look like they have a 4.0 like you do. We had to work hard for our grades, and one day I hope someone finds that out.

Ending my flow of feelings and anger towards those who had it easy in life (and respecting those who sincerely worked for what they achieved without shortcuts from mommy and daddy), I feel that doors into the elite world of ivy have always been closed to me because at some point in the past I chose to reach for the top and I couldn't cut it. But I always wonder why are my grades always haunting me? I was always an average student, often above average, but not by that much. I wonder how much chance I ever had at getting to my goals, or have the odds been stacked against me from the beginning. Okay, obviously I'm in a bad mood and its because I'm tired and it is 4am and I must get to sleep.

Overall on this blog, I need to get onto other topics. My job life (or lack thereof) has been quite depressing lately, and I'm sure it has been a bore for you too. Nevertheless, I have a feeling that life will be changing very shortly. This blog is meant to be for personal development, not for those to join me in a puddle of stagnation about my lack of opportunities and G-d's sense of humor.

Philips presents the future of pregnancy.

Now based on what happened with our pregnancy, I'm not exactly for probing into the womb to check in on the baby except for justified medical reasons where there is a cause for concern, however I was floored and highly impressed by the technology shown in this video.



What happened with our pregnancy was that the doctors did the usual ultrasound and did their measurements on my wife. They determined that my wife was carrying too much water and that the baby was not growing properly. We went for a second ultrasound a month later when the doctors told us that our baby most likely either had Downs Syndrome or would be a dwarf. The doctor suggested that although it is illegal in our state state to do an abortion, that we consider going to another state to get one.

Being frum, my wife and I were horrified at the suggestion and after the doctor suggested a procedure called amniocentesis where they surgically invade the womb to check for Downs Syndrome with a needle, we said thank you and declined, and we NEVER WENT BACK FOR ANY FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENTS.

For months, we were prepared for something to be genetically incorrect with our son, and Baruch Hashem (thank G-d), he came out perfect. Now he is five months old, and every time we think of that story, we cringe.

We kept this story a secret from pretty much everyone we knew (except for my mashpia who told me that this is likely not a problem because doctors typically over-diagnose just to be safe to protect themselves from a lawsuit just in case something really was wrong), but after hearing my wife speak about it openly, I felt that it was appropriate to share this story with you.

November Job Status Update

Wow, it's been three months since my last post.

To bring you up to date, nothing much in terms of results in getting a patent attorney job has changed. I've been on a few interviews, and in each interview, I've been hearing the same thing:

"So, you have a philosophy degree, eh? Do you know about X [usually something like communications]? What about Y [then something about hi-tech or biotech or something like that]? Well, if you don't know about these areas, then you will be unable to prosecute the patents for the clients we serve. We are looking for someone who has a Z degree (they usually say electrical engineering here), and without that degree, you are of no use to us. We'll get back to you and let you know."

At that point, the interview typically ends.

...So the short and skinny of it is that it doesn't look like I'll be getting a job as a patent attorney, and so I'm so close to giving up and changing fields that my heart hurts at the prospect of this move.

To adjust, the past week I've looked into patent/Intellectual Property (IP) litigation, but while it is difficult to get into it, I feel that is the best home for my skills and my abilities. However, it is a dim chance that someone will hire me without experience, so I need to find some litigation job (state/federal/general/local) that will give me experience and motion practice ideally in the federal courtroom, and once I have a few years of that experience, I'll be able to side-step into an IP litigation firm and use my patent attorney license to litigate patent infringement issues.

This is a sad turn of events for me, but the reality of it is that at least I'm realizing where I am and where I need to be. I just wish I learned this hard fact that A PATENT ATTORNEY FROM A LOW-TIERED LAW SCHOOL WITHOUT A HARD TECHNICAL SCIENCE DEGREE CANNOT PRACTICE AS A PATENT ATTORNEY.

Additionally, my wife and I are moving out of our apartment in the end of November, so we're looking for a Jewish (preferably Chabad/Lubavich) community to move into, and it doesn't matter which state we go to, as long as the cost of living is reasonable.

All this being said, I feel good. I am a tatty, and my son is 5 months old, and there is Shalom Bayis (peace) between my wife and myself, even though I know me not having a job is quite stressful for her. That being said, we are not poor, chos v'sholom, as I have always been smart about saving for a storm, and it is raining. We have literally just a few liquid dollars in the bank and so things are very tight, but I am hoping we will make it through and G-d will provide for us by somehow getting me hired at a law firm.

Lastly, I know that G-d doesn't make mistakes, and everything is done for a reason. Thus, while I cannot see His mater plan for me and my family, I know that I didn't just waste over a year taking and passing the patent bar exam and wasting my time applying to literally hundreds of patent prosecution firms. Somehow, my patent attorney license must come into use at some point in the future, because otherwise it would have been a waste and I don't think G-d would do that to me, especially since I've been working so hard to be his servant.

Follow-up: Whether to go back to school.

[I am sneakily inserting this post into my blog and back-dating it so that I don't mess up the look of the site.]

The issue I have been dealing with is whether or not to go back to school. Obviously from my discussions with literally 30-40 patent attorneys on this subject, they have all said the same thing -- a patent attorney must have a technical science degree to practice patent law.

While I have been on the dream that I can get around this because I have 40 science credits (pre-med undergrad) and because I was eligible for, took, and passed the USPTO patent registration exam, I need to face reality -- namely, that either I go back to school or I drop the crusade of becoming a patent attorney.

The main degree that law firms want these days is an electrical engineering (EE) degree, or a PhD in Chemistry/Biology/or the other hard sciences. Computer science is the next in the list, but few firms want this over an EE degree. After this, all the other engineering degrees (mechanical, etc) are next in the list.

My wife and I have determined that it makes no sense to go back to school full-time and become a student again because we have a baby and my wife is no longer working and is home full-time with the baby, so the burden of paying our rent is on me alone. Thus, enrolling full-time as a student no longer is financially an option, so we have looked into part-time and online programs, and here is what I've found.

The State University of New York (SUNY) has a Bachelor of Electrical Engineering program, but it is not a 4-year program. Rather, it kicks in only once you've completed the first two-years of the program. So, I'm around 1.5 years away from getting all the pre-requisites to even enter this program, and then once I do, it is only a two-year program if you are a full-time student (15-18 credits per semester). Part time (e.g. 6 credits per semester, this program will take around 4-5 years to complete). This is a killer solution, but it is a killer on our finances and our life.

The next solution we found is a Masters in Computer Science at Ellis College (NY Institute of Technology) which could be finished in a year and a half, but it is quite expensive and I'm not sure how firms would value this degree. The SUNY program does not disclose on the degree that it was an online program, but this degree gives it away based on the school that would be on the degree which gives it a lower value. Plus, I am not sure how much computer science patent attorneys are in demand, especially from an online part-time school that is not so highly valued. Lastly, to enter this program, I also have around a year of pre-requisites to take before even being accepted into the program -- funny enough, the pre-requisite courses are the same as those for the electrical engineering program (e.g. Linear Algebra, Programming, etc.)

So far I haven't found any other alternatives. If I don't go into school, I feel as if being a patent attorney is no longer a real option as a field to practice in, and I would need to find another field. The difficult thing is that coming from my low-tiered school, I was relying on the USPTO patent attorney license to raise me up from the reputation of my school and convince a firm to overlook where I come from. Please don't get me wrong -- I love my school. However, the real statistics are that *if* a graduate from my school passes the bar exam (which I did after some real studying), there is a slim-to-none chance that he or she will find a respectable job, if ever. Without working in a specialized field, I feel like I am just another one of the pack searching for the generalist low-paying jobs, and I wonder why I went to law school in the first place.