Monday, February 26, 2007

Telling my wife "no" to leaving the state.

I'm certainly not one to air our private laundry for the world to see (even though this seems to be exactly what I am doing), however the moving issue is not such a fight between us. Every few weeks my wife mentions us moving and I confront her telling her we are staying where we are.

That being said, I love my wife dearly and my biggest fear is that one day she may take a position such as "we're moving to state X or else I'm divorcing you and I'm taking our children with me." This is my biggest fear [rational or not], especially since I know she feels such a strong connection to her home state, sometimes I wonder whether -- if push came to shove -- she would choose California over me.

[I would also add in that the divorces of my parents and of my close friends are always on my mind, and I'm spooked by how a woman can love a man one minute and not love him anymore the next, and vice versa.]

Anyway, I've attached her response to my last letter and my reply to her. I hope this should clarify things between us, at least until I have a job here in Denver.

Mrs. Zoe Strickman wrote:
> I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY I upset you so much. I didn't
> mean to be pressuring. Not at all. I think you are doing a great
> job. You said you were applying for jobs so I didn't want you to
> forget CA. There was never a thought that you were not doing
> things the way you should. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.

My reply:
Thank you for your supportive e-mail. I'm just feeling very pressured with everything that is going on and I just want for things to be in order. Running off to a far away place just doesn't seem to be the responsible thing to do at this point as I can't make any educated decisions about a place I know nothing about. I know it means a lot to you to be close to your family and to live in California.

Lastly, keep in mind that if we move I will have to study for yet another bar exam or else I will be stuck writing patents for the rest of my life. Moving might sound like fun but the idea of not being able to practice other areas of law (including other related areas in which I have plans to practice along with patent law) is a horrifying thought for me, especially since I just spent so much time and effort getting ready to practice.

You know that after a lawyer has worked in one state for a number of years, he can grandfather into various states by just applying and paying the fee. I don't know what the future holds, but you know I want to start here. This is where we are; this is where I have planted my seeds, so to speak. I have done so much work these past few years to set up getting a job here. Let's get by the next few years and get a bit of stability in our lives before we start jumping to other states.

-Zoe

All in all, I feel like a jerk for getting angry at her. Obviously with hindsight from her answer, I realize that she meant no harm by suggesting that I contact her father's friend in California. Moreso, maybe she was even being helpful and I judged her as being passive-aggressive. I guess in her mind [with the baby coming and all,] it is more important for us to get a job rather than to get a job in a particular state where I am allowed to practice.

1 comment:

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

You're not a jerk, you have a lot on your plate right now. Everything will work out for the best. :-)