Monday, February 16, 2009

She complains about her life which is what I have spent every moment of my years building and improving.

Things at home always seem better after a day of hard work. Like most days after a fight, now hours later, I have forgotten about what happened, although I could bet you she hasn't.

This morning, I woke up in a friendly mood, and I wanted to communicate to her how I was feeling last night and yesterday. I felt that if this was to be a healthy relationship, she should at least be aware of how her words affect me so that if she wanted, she could make a change to avoid hurting me if that was not what she intended.

I told her that I was hurt by the things she said and did yesterday, particularly mentioning the songs about how her life is so in the dumps, etc. She mentioned that she can't wait to go home tomorrow to her parents for a week to get away from this life. I said, "this life that you are so desperately trying to escape is the life that you and I have built and are building together as a family. How do you expect me to feel when you tell me that every moment of my energy is devoted to building something you hate?"

I then went on to mention that everyone has their problems and there is nothing wrong with having a difficult time or even expressing it. However, there is no excuse for not paying attention to your mood and taking your hard time out on other people; there is no reason to be nasty to me when I am the only one that is trying to make her life better. I bought her a swing for the baby to sleep in (and it has miraculously worked during the nights) so she can sleep; I've come home early for weeks now not spending the requisite billed hours at work just so she will have someone home with her; I've foregone going to the gym and I've missed SO MANY minyanim just so I can watch the baby and let her sleep a bit. She barked something back at me to the order of saying that she has no responsibility for watching her temper and she can act however she wants to act.

I then entered the shower remembering that it was is the woman who is given the sole ability to make or break shalom bayis, and I feel that regardless of my contributions, she is causing our relationship to taste very sour. Moments later (knowing that turning on hot water in the other bathroom causing the hot water to disappear from my shower), she let the water run. When I didn't scream in pain, a few seconds later, she shut the water off. I promised myself that I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't do it to intentionally douse me in cold water.

After the shower, there wasn't much interaction. She wasn't really talking to me, and she was talking to our son in Hebrew (using words she knows I don't know) which bothers me because she refuses to translate them to me when I ask and so I have an apprehension that she will somehow cause a language barrier between me and my children just in case something goes wrong in our relationship.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Reread your post (I'm the therapist). It's all about you and your feelings and what you want and how you try to make things better. Do you think she picks up your resentment when you miss minyanim? If she's trying to annoy you with the language spoken to the kids, she's expressing her anger at you. I think you really need to listen to her and hear what she wants. You have lots of solutions and put much effort into the marriage, but it's from your point of view. Again, I suggest you ask her how she'd like things to be. I don't know that she feels you are listening to her and it's a common thing in many households that are male-centric.