Sunday, February 22, 2009

2/22/09 Diary Entry, 10:30am.

Some blog posts are written for feedback, others such as this one are written just so that I can somehow record how I'm feeling at a certain time. Obviously my feelings don't have to be supported by reality or make sense.

I'm having a difficult time without my wife and my children. They've been in California for the past week with her parents so that my father-in-law could have a chance to spend some time with them because he couldn't come here. My wife obviously also needed to get away for some time because she's been under a huge amount of stress, but that's not the reason for this entry.

I'm feeling as if I'm needing something out of this relationship that I'm not getting, and I haven't gotten it in some time and the bad feelings are starting to creep up on me. It's difficult staying positive and keeping a smile on my face when looking my son in the eye over Skype when really I want nothing more than to cry that I feel the relationship between my wife and I is often lacking depth. Just because two people produce children doesn't mean that they have a right to not be part in the other person's life, or to ask what is going on or even to care what is going on. Further it is not proper not to open up to the one you love because as a spouse you have a DUTY and a RESPONSIBILITY to foster closeness within the relationship; both do.

I've been feeling more and more frustrated each day because all I'm doing on the videos is saying "BAH!" to my loving almost-two-year-old son and my wife is somewhere in the background, usually not part of the conversation. This goes on for 10 minutes at a time, and it has happened almost every day last week and I'm missing my WIFE. I want to spend some time with my wife; I want to connect with her, to say hello to her, to share how much we're missing each other (is she missing me?).

I'm just so fed up with the lack of emotion in our relationship that I just want to break out and scream! I have so much pent up anger and frustration from feelings of "I'm worth something! How come you don't recognize that or acknowledge that?!?" I'm feeling used, I'm feeling thrown away, I'm feeling like I served my purpose by being there for the children and making money, but my wife has no need for me. And then I get angry at her for rejecting me because rejected over and over is how I feel. If I've kept this to myself I'd be at fault, but I'm exhausted from the many times I've shared this with her, asking her to share things, feelings, thoughts, ideas with me but I get nowhere with her leaving me frustrated yet again and again.

What gets me so deeply and what hurts so deeply is that I see that my son is noticing this and that is killing me inside. He is starting to recognize other people's feelings, and is starting to look into my eyes and react to how I'm feeling which makes me wail in sadness inside because I'm afraid that he is sensing my frustration, tension and sadness and I don't want to share this with him; I don't want him to know this. And moreso, he's beginning to copy me.

This hurt the most the day my wife and I got into a verbal fight. I kept a calm demeanor when fighting with her over whatever the issue might have been at that point of time (sometime last week and the week before), but what has KILLED me inside is that my son has started to mimic my intonations -- my angry intonations when I've spoken to my wife in anger.

I've lost interest in writing. I'm going to get back to my school work.


Anonymous said...

You are very right to be concerned about your children.

I hope to G-d you're not fighting in front of them. Huge, huge mistake. If you do not present a united front to them, it destabilises them, takes away their sense of security which is the first and most important thing that kids need! You both need to control yourselves in front of them. They have no conception of what is happening. All they know is distress.

Barefoot Jewess

Meir B said...

Zoe, I'm usually on your side but now that you've told us what your wife is like, I'm, starting to feel that you are wrong. Stop trying to change her!!! She is not you! You are emotional and she is not, period. That will never ever change!!!

The sooner you learn that and adjust your expectations and approach to her, the sooner you will be more at peace with yourself.

Either divorce her (not that this is a good option in most cases) or learn to appreciate her for who she is. The way you're going, you'll be complaining about her not opening up to 50 years from now unless you change your expectations and approach.

Stop expecting her to be who she isn't!!!

Anonymous said...

I haven't had time to read through all of your recent posts, and apologise for the short reply, but it sounds like your wife could have post natal depression. Maybe you should check that possibility out...

Mikey said...

thanks Hirsh