Monday, October 31, 2005

I was going to write about how I noticed today that my piano playing has gotten better and how now that I've been practicing with chords, my fingers are starting to feel differently, but rather, I got a mistaken e-mail from an old friend today -- someone whom I wouldn't have expected to hear from ever again based on our previous interactions. I would say with humility that this was one of those situations that got messed up on its own without my help -- do you ever have those experiences where you did everything right but everything turned out wrong? I am of the opinion that specifically with this scenario, G-d personally did it -- He intervened, He entered into this person's head, he twisted things around and influenced this person's thoughts, and with His mighty hand, He compelled the result of our interactions to be the way they were. How can that be anything other than good?

Anyway, my first reaction was that it hurt knowing that I was on the mind of this person. It actually made me feel lonely knowing that I was probably actually NOT on this person's mind and that I received this e-mail purely by mistake -- not even because of the person we are talking about, but because I missed the idea of being on someone's mind / being thought about. After what happened and the surprising turn of events, I wished to be erased from this person's memory as if we never met. I wanted to undo everything we said to each other and every feeling I trusted with this person. I feel that I opened up under false pretenses and I was misled into sharing my feelings with this person.

Yet it is true that every person has an affect on every person one comes into contact with -- you can't deny this, even if it is just a face, a voice, or a memory that stays with you.

So this is it. I'm surprised that I am actually learning the Jazz style, and how my fingers are actually picking up the shapes of the notes. It is astounding to me to see how my brain is unconsciously learning to play each time I walk away from the piano in frustration. It seems that every time I play, I have learned to be a bit better.

On second thought, if I believe that everything that happens is from Divine Providence -- which I do -- then getting this e-mail was an act by G-d or one of His angels urging me to do or think something. Then again, it could be an interference from the dark side -- oooooh, aaaaaah, boo! Happy Halloween, by the way. Either way, you cannot paskin (make a determination regarding) the future based on messages from the universe without the help of hindsight. Being aware of strange occurrences is one concept. However, acting upon them as if they were prophecies (looking for the hidden meanings in messages) is stupid.

I believe strongly that the quality of my life is based on the value decisions I make which determine what kind of person I will become. What deeds I fill my time doing also will affect the person I become. If my actions are meritorious, then good things will happen, and vice versa. Bottom line -- I received this e-mail, which was followed by a generalized apology letter to everyone else who received this same message from this person.

I acknowledge that something could be going on regarding this person below the surface of what we perceive to be reality that will affect me and my existence. I have taken notice of this e-mail, and I am not messing around with fate by writing back or by reacting or responding. This is a piece of my past I would just rather be left alone. "Just be still and see what your Creator has planned for you."

3 comments:

Z said...

Isn't that weird to get that? I always have dreams about people...and then get a letter or an email. Also about the piano playing...me? I DREAM I am doing something I don't know how to do and thus I practise in my dreams and get better from that! Weird huh?

Zoe Strickman said...

Heh, you sound like me.

Rowan said...

I learned complete humility from an experience I once had with "friends" a group of them. Long story short. I keep reliving it when I am daydreaming or whatever and it humbles me and hurts me all over again. Honestly, I'd like to just forget this sad turn of events had ever happened. At the time I went into a state of depression such that I wouldn't get off the couch and eventually it came to the point I "couldn't" get off the couch due to being so weak [from no movement or food] that after a month my father made me get up. Anyway, the happiness I had felt knowing them followed up with annhilation of friendship, trust, respect, and the invocation of fear, distrust, inadequacy and hatred.

If this is divine intervention, what could God possibly be telling me here. That I was never meant to have happiness amongst friends? Or what I personally at the time chose to believe, I was not meant to be part of this gang of friends who incidentally none finished school (dropped out grade 9) and one became a street person, a beggar, the other an overweight single mother and the other shacked up with a 40 year old man when she was only 14.

Maybe this was to tell me to stay away from them. I just wish it didn't stay with me so raw and painfully.