Thursday, October 20, 2005

Sad Today... Not Sure Why.

I wish I had something more positive to say. I’m quite lonely. I spent a considerable amount of time by my rabbi’s house, but because his house was full of guests and I am like a natural resident there, I felt like I was in the background for most of the holidays which I spent sleeping when I wasn't eating or in synagogue.

That’s exactly how I’ve felt these past few weeks – like I am in the background. Today I picked up food for our Sukkah party for the Colorado Jewish Law Students Association. Nobody noticed. Someone asked me if she can make a beracha (blessing) on the Lulav, and when I helped her with it, someone screamed out, "shake it", so she swung it against the wall almost breaking it. I am positive that it is no longer kosher. I will have it checked tomorrow.

I bought food for the Sukkah party. Nobody noticed. Everyone came in, ate, and left. Later on when I came to the Sukkah to study and pray, the place was a mess. Food was spilled everywhere. People didn’t clean up after themselves. I cleaned everything up, prayed, and ate some leftover vegetables.

While I was at Staples picking up some supplies, I went to park my car, and someone cut in front of me and took the space I was pulling into.

Everyone at school is talking about the interviews they have been receiving. I haven’t even sent out my resume to anyone. I don’t feel that I would get a job even if I tried. I don't feel like I am like the other people. I’ve been spending all my free time studying for the bar exam. I am hoping that somehow I will find a good job when I graduate and pass the bar.

Later, while I was standing in the Sukkah on my own as the sun began to set, I heard a girl walk by with her friends and say, "I promise you, there was pizza in there before." I wished I had a girlfriend or someone to speak to. I am feeling quite lonely. I can't bear being good for much longer, and being bad was no fun because when I tried, nobody wanted to be bad with me. I kept having a good effect on people which isn't what I wanted. People talk about good things around me. Nobody does rebellious things in my presence, so clubbing and getting drunk was a lonely experience too. I can't escape this.

1 comment:

Rowan said...

I'd say you are definately slipping into a depressive stage...hang in and ride it out, your thoughts echo a lot of my own.