Thursday, December 29, 2005

Dependent on Father Dependent on Me.

Tonight there was an incident between me and my father. Well, there would have been had I said something. He came home from a trip yesterday, and I am 8 days into my intensive bar review classes.

We live together in his house, and whenever I want to invite a friend over or whenever I want to do something, I extend the courtesy of checking with him to see if he is alright with it. He doesn't extend the same courtesy.

Tonight he decided to invite his friend over for dinner. This would normally be okay, but I really needed to study. I wish he had checked with me because if he did, I would have asked him not to have guests over today while I am studying.

They were so loud talking in Hebrew that I couldn't study at all. I took a two hour nap because I got overwhelmed with anger, and when I woke up they were still going at it chatting away. I wish he would have had the courtesy to ask me if I needed quiet.

I wish I lived alone away from my father. I wish I lived in my own apartment, and I wish I had the job to sustain myself. Being in law school has taken such a toll on my humanity because it has forced me to be dependent on him, however each time I have tried to move out on my own, he has started getting VERY sad wondering why I am leaving him. I often wonder who is dependent on whom.

I wish I can get up and leave but because of my financial situation and my inability to change it, I am held prisoner in my father's home until I pass the bar and get a job. Graduating and passing the bar is not only my way to success and happiness, it is also my get out of jail card, unless I can find a way to leave sooner. I often think that my sanity depends on it.


Pragmatician said...

He certainly could've asked you, but if he's lonely and you need to study a lot it's understandeble he wanted some company.

Rowan said...

I completely understand your "get outta jail card" imagery. This was how I felt for a long time, and that finishing school was the only way. While I still agree that this will help you, along the way, I learned that sometimes, the way through life is to go with the flow to some degree or another, cause no matter how much you plan for it, it'll jump and bite you sooner or later. I'm glad to hear that you are so goal driven thoguh.