I got angry at my dad last night. He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him, and I said, "yes," and then the minute I turned around, he called his best friend from downstairs to join us. Pissed off, I told him that he could have checked with me to see whether it would be okay with me. I live here too.
That's the thing. I don't want to live with him anymore. Other than his inconsiderate behavior, I find him to be unmotivating and unsettling. There is nothing that he does that has a positive effect on me. All he does is sleep, fart, walk around naked, watch television, and waste time. I find that almost zero percent of his time is dedicated to goal-oriented activities. For me, a person who does not work on their goals is a loser and is not worth the breath they breathe. I am so sad to have been given such a loser to be my father. I do not look up to him at all. I never have; not since I was a child. I do understand the need to relax if one IS working -- I often relax after a hard day's work, or after I've expended a significant amount of energy on a project or a goal.
Tonight after Havdala, I yelled to him "you're so unmotivating" when he hung up the phone after saying to his friend that he doesn't feel like going out tonight for New Year's Eve. What gets me upset is that I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO SPEND TONIGHT WITH HIM. I want to be alone for the sole reason that I want to be independent and not watched or monitored or controlled by anyone. I have a lot of work to do and when I am seething with anger, I am unable to focus.
I am so angry right now with my new "friend" for the evening that I want to go out -- anywhere -- as long as it is away from him. I hate being in the same house as him because I get drained of my energy and I feel that from my anger, my life force drips away when he's home. I want nothing to do with him, and he does not know how to give me space and to leave me alone. I enjoy nothing more than an empty house. These past few weeks while he was away were the best weeks I've had in months. I am so upset that he is home from his trip.