I've lost it. The desire to be the best I can be, the desire to master my exams. I feel like I cannot go on, and I feel like I cannot master these exams. My exams have gotten the better of me and I feel powerless to intervene. From the work I have already done, I know a significant amount; but I lack the focus and the mind power to move forward with the studying. My brain is a fog. I am done for.
As destructive as this is to the precious hours I have left before my exams, I need to take a break and to get out of the house for a drive. I have been here too long, and I feel like I am no longer productive. I feel like I have over-studied, and yet I have not yet even covered half the amount of material that I need to cover by tomorrow.
I don't know whether to go the healthy route and to go to the gym, or to go the unhealthy route and to get a doughnut. Right now the doughnut seems more attractive to me. I will get into my gym clothes and then I will put my shoes on and get in the car. Where it drives me, we will know the answer.
I am not a hero. I am an ordinary guy trying to get by so that I can get a descent job when I graduate law school. I want to find a wife; I want to have enough of an income to be affluent. I want to be self directed, and I want to pay my own bills out of my own money and not federal government school loan money. I want friends, and a culture that will give me activities to participate in, people to see, and meaningful events to fill my time.
These exams and the upcoming bar exam classes which will lead to taking and passing the bar exam, coupled with the patent bar exam seem like unclearable hurdles which separate me between my present and my future. However, I have done feats as difficult as this before and I have succeeded. This is not the hardest time of my life. This is me making this trying time the hardest time of my life. I must persevere.