I don't know what to make of anything. It's almost 7:30pm, and I am done for the night. I spent my afternoon printing customized coverletters to law firms on good paper. I spoke to my mom who is still having what I am starting to refer to as a family fixation. Her and her new husband have been pressuring me as to the importance of having a family, as if it is some contract that I must sign at the bottom line with conditions and terms. Rather, my opinion is that if they want to be a family, they should start acting like a family instead of putting me through all this red tape.
My rabbi cannot understand why I don't like to daven, and I could tell that it bothers him to no end that there are times (like recently) for days at a time that I don't daven or put on Tefillin, either because I don't have time in the morning, or because my heart is just not into it. Personally, I am stoked that I've been keeping up with the daily Chumash, the daily Tanya, and the daily Rambam. This is a big accomplishment for me because there was a long gap of time when I didn't regularly do it. So this for me is a big step back in the right direction.
Then there is the looming question of the woman. What woman? True, there is no woman yet, but I'm sure she must be on her way or else none of this is worth it. The thing that bothers me is that in my heart, I don't feel that a religious woman will like me. I feel that each time I go out with a religious girl, she says no to the second shidduch. I don't even make it to a second try. "He's just not right for me," they say.
I think that having a normal religious girl would be a wonderful thing, and if she's Lubavich, even better! I don't understand why there is all this obsession over a certain kind of self-sacrificing girl who devotes her life to Torah and Mitzvot. Does a woman like that really exist? And if so, is she really supposed to be with -- of all people, me?? I think I would be happy with a regular girl who keeps shabbos, keeps strictly kosher, who will cover her hair and who wears dresses and skirts, and who will keep the laws of family purity. Beyond that, what else is there that is so important? Everything else to me seems silly.
There are basic things that a Jew is supposed to do, and I want us to do them and to life our lives. This isn't such a complex thing. It's the ultra-religious people that complicate everything with minhagim, rebbeim, with the word "chossidish" (a.k.a. chassidish) and with everything else. Oh do I hate the word "chossidish." It is probably one of my least favorite words in the world. I hate the word not because of the high level of observance in which it stands for, but I hate the word for the standard that it peer-pressures on everyone around the one who is practicing being that way.
Anyway, my laptop is running out of batteries, and my eyes are starting to get droopy. G-d give me the strength to get a job, to get my own apartment, and to score a good wife who I will make feel happy and loved, cared for and cherished.
PS - I apologize for the "Hebrew" image at the top of this post.
4 comments:
Is the "Hebrew" image supposed to express your frustration with all the things the post talks about?
Interesting how you feel about davening vs. learning. None of those things, except for learning in general, is a full-blown obligation in the way that davening is, and yet you've been much more successful at doing those. Could this be just a personal preferance (i know a number of people who just can't get into davening), or an instance of 'what you don't need to do is usually more fun'? That definitely has its effects on me.
I also have been more successful at my learning schedule (aside from stuff i need for work/school, i've been making a point of doing Shnayim Miqra' V'ehhad Targum, this year with The Targum [Unqelos] itself) than at making sure i make it to davening when i'm supposed to.
You know Zoe...I think once your done with your exams...you need to get out of your house, your suburb, your city...you need a change and fast!
Go to NY or Cali for afew weeks...try correspondence? or take off a semester? I feel as tho all your posts steam from a central thread...your worries, anxieties, troubles, dreams and current situiations which have yoiu against the wall....nothing is impossible. Please look into getting away for abit?
Knished, I think I would like nothing more than to get away from everything. With the bar review going for the next month and classes starting on Monday, getting away seems impossible unless I want to give up law school.
It is all a matter of time before the stress lays off. Soon I'll be done with the bar exam (6 months to go), and everything will be okay. I'll maybe go away then for a few weeks. Maybe this summer I'll go away somewhere for a few weeks. It will be nice to get away.
Sounds like a good plan (getting away)I wish you more than any other person I know a successful life with lots of love. You just have to get there, I won't give up my faith in that.
Post a Comment