Its 3am and I've turned into an insomniac again. I'm not exactly sure why. In preparation for my Patent Law class, I spent considerable time reading the Casebook Summaries. For those of you who aren't familiar with these, I feel like a whore every time I succumb to use them instead of reading the text. These summaries, regardless of the publisher, give you the issues and the rationales from the cases, along with enough facts to understand what the professor is talking about in class. However, it sincerely lacks in details, which is where us law students get caught when we use them. I had a dream that I got caught using them and I was completely embarrassed when I was found out. Part of me wonders whether it is an honor code violation to use them in preparation for class instead of actually doing the readings.
After class there was a Pre-Halloween Party in the cafeteria. People were dancing and partying and the lights were all off. I got scared in the bathroom when someone with red eyes and a hood walked towards me.
A girl I am attracted to was drunk and she saw me and came out of the party to talk to me. Normally she's too cool for me and I'm too shy to pursue anything non-academic with her. Plus, I am religious, and we were in school and for me there is a difference between going clubbing and dancing in a bar versus doing things in your own home (I consider my school my home since I spend so much time there and most of the people I spend my days with are there). Even though I have been shomer negiah for many years now, and even though as of late I've slipped a bit allowing my hands to be shaken by women when we say hello, tonight was different because I was attracted. There was a danger here of doing something I shouldn't do, and I knew I was in unfamiliar territory.
As she was talking to me, she put her hand on my hand which was grasping my rolling book bag (carry-on bag in which I keep my books) very tightly. My normal impulse was to hold her hand but this wouldn't have been meaningless and so I let her hand drop to her sides as I took my hands back from her grip with a smile and a bead of sweat rolling down my forehead.
Almost in tears [of course I am being dramatic], I excused myself and instead of going into the party, I left the building to go home. I walked away from an experience that could have been amazing, and I am not talking about the girl, I am talking about the dancing at the party. But it was personal tonight -- I could feel it. My heart really wanted to stay which is why I knew that I needed to gather all my might to go because this wasn't the place for me.
As I walked out of the building, I said to one of the security guards, "I don't know why I live the life I do. All this discipline better be worth it." I was going to call my rabbi and tell him that life better be good because the life that I am not living calls to me so strongly as the full moon calls to a werewolf hiding within the bones of its human host. My fangs grow, my eyes widen. Yet I stay in control and I don't let temptation overcome my understanding of right and wrong. I don't hate myself for this. I just think I am a cruel S.O.B. to restrain myself from experiences like this, even if it is for my own good. I sure hope that there is truth and pleasure -- greater than the kind I am missing -- around the bend.
2 comments:
Wow, you stayed strong!
I could practically hear you pleading with yourself to find reason for your celibacy and I guess that is where faith is stongest. You believe. That's more than most of us can admit to. I have a feeling, you are probably more religious than most claiming to be.
From the depths of my heart, I hope you are right. -Zoe
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