Thursday, November 17, 2005
A Faithful Night
Tonight was a somber night where many things that were unresolved were handled and taken care of. For one thing, I ended the shidduch. This was a very tough decision, but when there were so many issues that arose, I felt that it was better to carefully evaluate the situation and to make the decision as if I was making it for someone else. By doing this, the emotions that would normally have interfered with the choices at hand were taken out of the picture, and an objective decision was carefully made. I feel terrible for the girl, however there were more issues than I let on.
You'll notice that I also erased the blog entries about what happened on the shidduch dates because I felt that it revealed too much about the woman so that if she would stumble onto the blog, that she would certainly realize that she was reading about herself. I didn't want that. It wouldn't have been wise.
As for everything else, I hope you'll pardon me for not writing and not responding to some of your kind letters. This, along with the school work and the bar review is leaving me without energy and without much strength of mind to even think about what to talk about. I wish things turned out differently. I wish things could have worked out, but it just wasn't the right match. I wish I were the person I am meant to be, and it bothers me that I am not yet that person. I have been having problems keeping to my study schedule and this is bothering me, especially because my schedule between now and February requires much dedication and discipline. Religiously, I am also a mess. I've been keeping away from sin as much as I can, but I have been slacking on the positive commandments, namely prayer and Torah study. I am thankful that the Sabbath is coming right around the corner and it will be here tomorrow, so perhaps that will give me a chance to straighten my path and refocus my mindset, as I am going over to my rabbi for Shabbos.