Monday, November 28, 2005

Jaded on Shidduchim


I know that everything happens in it's own time, but. I remember the last few months I was in yeshiva after letting the rabbis know I was going to law school, I waited every day hoping to hear from one of the rabbis that they found someone that they thought would be good for me. Usually, when a bochur (a rabbinical student) prepares to leave yeshiva, the rabbis set him up with a woman to marry so that he will not go out into the world of sex, drugs, and negative influences alone. I was saddened when the rabbis never set me up with anybody. Then, after my rabbi from home and his wife told me they have started the search, again for months and years while I was in law school, I waited every day, calling them every day hoping to hear good news that something (someone) has come up, but those times were few and far between.

Each time I was introduced to someone, there was something seriously wrong with them. Either they had a terminal disease, or they had emotional problems which would cause problems in the marriage. If they were somewhat normal, then they had expectations of me which I did not meet because I was either too religious or not religious enough. These were the issues.

Lately, I have been jaded by 1) the lack of women I've been meeting, and 2) the lack of quality of the women I have been introduced to when once every six or seven months they call me up to tell me that they have found the perfect girl for me.

I would say that most of all, I am lonely, and I am no longer buying the pitch that "if you are religious and you are a good person, G-d will set up a shidduch for you." I don't know if I believe that there are good quality women here in the religious world, and if so, I don't believe that I will be introduced to them. Therefore, I have lost my desire to date and to continue on this shidduch path. I am no longer expecting anything grand to come from these shidduchim, and if I am to find a wife, I fear that I will have to step on my rabbi and his wife who have been trying tirelessly to find a wife for me and I will have to find one on my own.

I do not plan on doing this until after I pass my bar, however. I feel that giving them five or six years of my youth is a significant amount of time, and as of now, I am no longer twenty-three years old, but now I am twenty-eight and nothing has happened when it comes to shidduchim. This is funny because the main reason I committed to becoming religious was because I believed that through being religious, I would be able to find a good wife.

I am feeling jaded, and I no longer believe this is true.

7 comments:

Shoshana said...

Hang in there. There are many wonderful women out there, of every age, and in the right time, it will come. I believe it, even though it's not always easy.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps living in Denver is not the biggest turn on for the ladies

Anonymous said...

No avice here... I was born frum and raised in the "frum world" as if it is different than any other world If you want to meet a special woman find one you like and she will be special to you I guess... It's all an uphill battle. Try Masmida's blog she may have some advice she is the product of blaei teshuvas and she could give you some insight...

http://jewishtime.blogspot.com/

Littleredridinghoodie said...

Try zaidies Magic 8 Ball...

http://bangitout.com/tdb102.html

Knished said...

Ok! so heres what I think...
You know how when you go through your days and weeks seeing the same people, filling your days with teh same monotonous work....not meeting anyone new...

The trick is to...

GO OVERSEAS! Be the new face, the fresh blood! Everyone always wants a piece of the new guy/girl in town. Then youll be opening yourself up to a greater variety of girls who don't necesarily know your background, family, history and you can be introduced as YOU! Not 'that guy whos family is abit nuts / lost all their money / has a pushy mother etc.'
Keep us updated!

Anonymous said...

B"H
While I appreciate the frustration you must feel about not finding a shidduch, and it is certainly important to marry someone who you really want to marry and to whom you feel able to relate, perhaps you are being slightly cynical. What, exactly, is your idea of a "quality" woman? I am also a baalas teshuvah who will be starting to look for a shidduch in a few years, and I once read something on a frum website about dating that appalled me. It said that, for example, if a person was overweight, they would likely not be matched with a thin person, or that a person with a disease should not expect to marry a healthy spouse. Obviously emotional problems or different levels of observance could become marital minefields, but who is to say that Hashem only plans for us to marry someone who looks good on paper? I know a lot of baalas teshuvah and frum from birth girls (although not of your age) who are truly good hearted, and the men they marry will be lucky. If women are writing you off because they want someone more learned or less observant this is clearly not your fault, but it might help to bear in mind "Ben Zoma said: Who is wise? One who learns from every person" (Pirkei Avos, 4:1) and "Any love that is dependent upon a specific consideration-when that consideration vanishes, the love ceases" (Pirkei Avos 5:16). All yidden are tzadikim, you just have to look for the right tzadekus :)


I wish you much hatzlocha in your learning and your search for your bashert,
Esther

Zoe Strickman said...

Thank you Esther. B"H, I got married one year after this posting (Av, 2006), and I am now a husband and a father of two children, with one more due in the next month or so. :) Good luck in your search, and if there is any way I can be of assistance to you, please let me know.