"You'll Relax When You're Dead."

Journal Entry: I am spending my mornings studying for the bar exam, and I am spending my afternoons reviewing my notes. My evenings are pretty much non-existent because I am so exhausted by the time my studying is over that I cannot remember doing anything productive during the evenings in some time.

We are entering the third week of bar review. This is exciting for me because I didn't think I would be able to handle such a task, and somehow I am handling it quite well. It seems that my life has been put on hold during this experience, and my friends don't understand why I am not calling them back or why I have no time to hang out while all my other law school friends are vacationing between the semesters.

Ringing through my head is the saying that an upperclasswoman said to me my first year of law school, "you'll rest when you're dead." I keep reading all these books which talk about going with the flow of life and relaxing, yet my flow is filled with currents and rocks and deep cliffs. It seems that I will never get a chance to relax, not even once I am an attorney. I don't know how I feel about this.

Another issue is my privacy and my independence, or the lack of both. I feel that I have neither, and both are very high up there on my value higherarchy. I think to myself, "when I get a job, I'll get my own place and everything will be okay," but it is more likely that someone will recommend a shidduch to me before then who might turn into a wife. Having a wife and a family is also high up there in my value system. What's the purpose of living if you cannot share your happiness with anyone?

I just hope I make all the right decisions in life with the help of Hashem, and I hope that I can continue to serve him in a better way than I am doing now. My attitude towards religion has been off lately.