Thursday, February 09, 2006
The real me hidden behind the surface?
Yesterday I phrased what happened on the shidduch date in a very negative way. I was afraid of being stepped on and rejected again, because in my past, whenever I would show my true self, I would be rejected.
Hindsight, I am very impressed at how well I hide myself, yet at the same time, I forgot that the part of me that came out on the last shidduch date and connected with the woman (in a really intimate way) was there. Does that mean that I have forgotten who I was?
This happening of the character shift both worries and excites me. I honestly didn't know that part of me still existed, and yet there it was lurking below the surface of the confident personality that I have moulded and formed over the years.
It's a breakthrough [literally :)] that this part of me still exists. This part of me is a warm, caring, vulnerable, and loving personality -- but what I like most about it is that it is real. It lives in the present, and it experiences life realtime rather than the disconnected way I see reality now as I am.
The interesting thing is that when it came out I felt charged with emotions. Some of the feelings I felt were hurt and pain, and other feelings that I felt were vulnerability. I believe this character is a tzaddik compared to me and is filled with all the love and compassion that I've been lacking over the years.
But then again, I ask myself, did this character spontaneously come out on its own like an alien busting through the chest of its host?? Or did the woman I am dating (and am starting to grow fond of) see this part of me and did she bring this loving side of me out from the exile it has experiences over the years of its suppression?
Either way, have I shed a layer of protection that has kept the real me hidden for years now? This is a fascinating question.