Sunday, February 05, 2006

Conspiracy Theory Junk; Feeling Like a Caged Animal

My mom and I had a conversation last night about self-esteem, and whether I am lacking any or not. I suppose I'm having a difficulty seeing the merit or the meaning in anything that I do. I am certainly not sad or anything, however, I'm feeling a bit of meaningless, as if we're all rats running in a maze which ultimately leads nowhere.

I used to want to change the system -- to make the world a place where people were free thinkers unbound by the chains of what ties them into being forced to go to work and get a job and do the same boring tasks every day. But all I found were that the free thinkers were usually skewed-minded people who thought that they were smarter than everyone else. I had my heart broken once when after spending years learning the "secret" laws of the United States, that some retard came over to me one day and started talking to me about the very topics that I was dedicating my life to learn. Please don't get upset at me for calling him a retard -- I know this man, and I try to avoid his long-winded conversations all the time. What I learned from him, however, was how easy it was to form a conspiracy theory and to construct a reality around it that was so real that it seemed to take on a life of its own.

The heartbreak came after learning the law in law school and realizing how not-based on sound legal philosophies my former conspiracy theories were. Then, when hearing my former theories parroted back to me by him, I lost faith in the arguments because I realized then how silly they sounded.

But I suppose my point is that I'm feeling lately a bit like a caged animal. I live in my father's house "under his roof," so to speak, and I lack autonomy because I am glued to both my law school's expectations and my religion's expectations, both which take up my whole life and my free time. Time that is not devoted to them is taken up sleeping, resting, healing, and recuperating from the stress that builds from failing their expectations.

When I used to say that I wanted to find truth, I think I misspoke. I was actually looking for my own truth, or my own power; my own creativity which is still lacking. I laugh that I feel that I got what I wished for -- I was looking for ultimate Truth, and I found G-d. I chuckle to myself that while I am very happy that I stumbled upon G-d in my search for meaning, what I was actually looking for was my own calling. I'm still lacking this.

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