Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Estranged also from myself.

Negativity drains me like someone shooting me with a Taser gun. I also hate complaining all day long because I am a trooper and a fighter, but you poor souls who have the curse of reading my blog get to hear all the "poor me" wah wah comments and postings. Sometimes I feel that if I could step out of my body I would turn around and slap myself for all my sad thoughts. There must be something so deeply wrong with me going way back to my childhood or not that has me so darn bent on seeing the world as evil and hopeless.

Tonight after my Barbri class ended early, I wanted to take some time and watch this week's episode of the Bachelor. I really wanted to see Jake with the families because I think seeing a woman with her family is a real indicator as to the quality person you have. This surprises me because I really like my wife's parents, and if my wife and I ended up like them, I wouldn't be sad in the least bit. However, let's just leave it that I ask G-d every day that I have the chance to find out what it would be like to make it to their age and still be married.

Let's switch back to the Bachelor for a moment. Everybody there is so infatuated with everyone, and I don't think any of them are in love with the other. I think they are in love with themselves, and how the other person makes them feel. Today when I saw Ali come to Jake and say, "I can't choose between you or my job," I knew it was over because IF IT WAS EVEN A QUESTION then the relationship is OVER. Now she's the whiny bitch drama queen who needs to just pretend she never met Jake because she's stupid for letting the "other love of her life -- her job" get in between the "love" (yeah, right) between her and Jake. For this reason alone I don't think she was ready to get married, and between us, I think this job thing was just used as an excuse to bow out of the show without getting kicked off of the show. People like us who have negativity oozing out never fool those around us for long; it always seeps out and destroys everyone around us if we're not careful.

Now back to my wife. I really wanted to watch this last episode of the Bachelor, and I knew my wife wasn't expecting me back from my Barbri class for another two hours, but tonight we had the MPT class and we ended with almost two hours to spare. I had internet access and headphones where I was, and even if they kicked me out, the Starbucks down the street had internet access and a couch and I totally could have disappeared for two hours and nobody would have known. However, I wanted to be kind to my wife who was home with the kids, and even if they were likely already asleep, I still couldn't chance the fact that she might be having a hard time and it would be just my luck if the day I decide to pull something like sneaking away to watch a show on Hulu is the one day she needs me (and my phone was dead so she couldn't reach me), so I went home.

Every night when I've come home, my wife was watching a show online using the slow computer (the one that barely functions because I took hers when mine went into the shop almost two weeks ago). I thought that I would watch the show (I already saw the first half while eating lunch, so I didn't think it was a big deal) so I asked her if she could continue watching her show for half an hour and then I'll give her the good laptop computer (this one is pitifully slow too, but at least it works like it should) but she refused and insisted that we trade and she get the good computer. Still in good cheer, I gave her the good computer thinking that she would ask me to join her on whatever she was watching.

Instead, she turned on Facebook and started playing Farmville, a game I DESPISE because I think it's the biggest brain-drain in the universe and it's a waste of time. Plus, she could have done that with my old slow computer. She didn't need mine (well, hers, but mine until after the bar) to play Farmville. I immediately got really upset and probably because I was highly caffeinated (I had around 5 strong coffees the hours beforehand because I spent most of the day at Starbucks studying), my blood boiled and I could have spit fire again. Instead, I grabbed a huge bag of pistachio nuts and munched away at it while watching Brian Williams on MSNBC (I don't know why I feel compelled to watch this news every night -- I am always disappointed by the lack of content) with the frame skipping making the video not watchable but I didn't care. It was either that or lose my temper.

I felt that I was kind for coming home. I felt that I was kind for offering my wife my computer. i felt betrayed that when I gave, she took, leaving me in the dirt. What did I expect? If you give, you expect the person you give to to take. I don't know why I was so angry that she didn't let me watch the Bachelor, and I don't know why I fumed over her choosing to go on Facebook rather than do something together with me after I just went through so much conflict to NOT watch the show before I came home. In my good graces (which means my warped mind) I even considered spending time with her until she went to sleep an hour or so later and then I would watch my show. But she hogged the computer I gave her and I felt she was selfish.

Instead of popping or breathing fire, I put my headphones on, went into our bedroom and listened to a Holosync Awakening Prologue session. I don't know that this does anything for me, but I've been playing a game with myself trying to see if I can get through it without falling asleep. Tonight I was so upset and angry that I stayed awake throughout the whole session. In hindsight, I did have a mind-altering experience in that I stayed awake, but in a meditative state which is an accomplishment for me, but I couldn't get over being so angry.

What frustrated me the most is that it was over something so small, tiny, and stupid. I visualized 100 times my wife climbing into my bed and giving me a hug being oblivious to the anger I had for her this night and me telling her in a nasty voice to go to hell. I went back and forth in my mind during the Holosync session whether to just drop the anger and the fight because it was over something so stupid, and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't worth the hurt to our relationship to get all worked up over something like this.

I awoke from the Holosync session (well, it ended and I lied there on the bed for a few moments feeling that my wife was still awake and was looking at me), folded up the earphones, and walked out of the room without looking back. I softly closed the door behind me and I wondered, "did she know I was so angry tonight? Did I hurt her tonight? Have I done damage to our relationship?" I visualized my daughter older coming up to me and asking, "Daddy, why did you leave us?" I couldn't imagine being a divorced father with just visitation rights and in my short hiatus into my mind, I abandoned my children thinking that a clean break would be better for them than a father that was not able to be a father to them. I cried inside my mind over my divorce and over the loss of my children. I then wanted to go back into the bedroom and kiss my wife, but I was still angry at her and I heard her snoring so I didn't want to wake her.

All in all, I really hope I don't damage my marriage or my relationship with all this emotion and anger, and I really pray that this difficult time pass and that we get a chance to be a family and that my wife and I get a chance to open up to each other (since I feel as if we've been estranged for some time), and all this extra pressure of having charges filed against me, having to defend myself against the NY Character & Fitness Board, and losing all of our unemployment and having absolutely no money come in -- well, I wish it would all go away and that I can be a successful attorney with a happy wife and a healthy home.

PS - To my new father friend also taking the bar exam (Matt), you shouldn't be spending your time reading this blog. It'll kill your time, it'll poison your mind, and it'll distract you from doing what you really should be doing instead of reading this... you should be either studying for the bar exam or doing kind acts for your wife and your children, not reading my warped misogynist thoughts.


Ahuva said...

Did you say to your wife at any point, "Honey, would you like to watch some television together? I've missed spending quality time with you."

It sounds like you got so upset because she didn't ask you to spend time with her... but she can't read your mind.

You've grown a lot over the past few years, but it still doesn't sound like you two know how to talk to each other.

Kiley said...

Zoe, I've been blunt with you in the past and you have accepted, so I will likewise be blunt now: you have issues of both selfishness and anger that really need to be addressed. You acknowledge them obliquely, but I really fear for your family should you shoose to continue the path that you are currently on.

Take care, my friend.

Zoe Strickman said...

Ahuva & Kiley: I plead GUILTY on both accounts. Ahuva, no I was not communicative like I should have been and thus my imploading with anger was totally my fault. She can't read my mind, I know that. I was wrong and I'm glad I didn't throw a temper tantrum over it (at least not a visible one). Stay tuned, I've gotten worse.

Kiley, I agree, both my selfishness and my anger need to be addressed. It's something that I work on every day, and perhaps as soon as I have normal health insurance again (I'm on COBRA on a terrible plan that offers NOTHING but I still pay close to $600/month for it). I'm also listening to holosync tapes and taking other steps to deal with the anger issues. I'm working on it actively. Give me some time to figure this out. When the blog gets quiet again, you'll know I'm succeeding because there won't be much drama to discuss. I don't fear for the development or the safety of my family - both are fully okay. I fear that the relationship with my wife and I will be affected by this and thus my family will be hurt. This is why I'm working so hard on these issues.

Anonymous said...

Why do you keep adding innocent children into this world when you do have visions of divorce? Your wife will be GIVING BIRTH SOON for goodness' sake and you don;t even know how to COMMUNICATE with one another. i am always amazed at the lack of communication skills you both have! You never once asked her to watch a show with you or spend time with you that evening. It is so obvious you guys do not value one another and the role you each play in your messed up relationship. Why did you guys get married? Don;t reply because we both are religious and shared the same wish for a religious home and many children. That's a poor reason for marriage and your relationship is a tribute to that.

I feel so terrible for your children. It will only get worse for them as they start to really see how much you two dishonor one another.

STOP BRINGING INNOCENT CHILDREN INTO SUCH AN UNHAPPY FAMILY. You complain of money issues. You guys are getting in ocver your head. It is not a game to see how many children you can have but rather a life responsibility of choosing to have and raise every single child until adulthood with a loving mother and father who respect each other. Please reply and let your readers know what is on your mind each time you decide to bring YET ANOTHER CHILD into this very unhappy marriage.

I am not trying to offend you, Zoe. I'd love to see you both attend counseling and focus on your relationship and your precious children, the three you have. But bringing in more babies into this mess is highly irresponsible.

Zoe Strickman said...

Hah, I think you've written me before on this topic. My same answer is firstly, birth control is a serious religious issue as I'm sure you know and it's not so easy to justify birth control to a rav, especially because of the halachas involved. That being said, three within three years is a lot to handle and we're going to look into it further. Lastly, your presupposition is that we're in an unhappy family; simply not true. You're just getting the stories when they happen. I don't write about pink roses or wonderful evenings; it's just not blogworthy. Thus, it's easy to jump to conclusions. Lastly, when either of us has employment and some semblance of order, we'll look further into counseling.

Ahuva said...

I don't know about chabad, but many yeshivish rabbis consider a marriage that's troubled emotionally as a reason to give a heter for birth control (particularly if you already have a boy and a girl-- I don't remember if you do or not).

I agree that it's not a good idea to continue to bring children into a strained marriage when one parent is having visions of divorce.

Three children in three years is also quite a strain on your wife's body... particularly when you don't have great health coverage (which is another point in favor of a heter-- she is NOT allowed to compromise her health. The obligation to have children is a man's obligation; she may not endanger herself to help fulfill an obligation that is not hers.)

This is something you should seriously consider exploring with your rav.