Negativity drains me like someone shooting me with a Taser gun. I also hate complaining all day long because I am a trooper and a fighter, but you poor souls who have the curse of reading my blog get to hear all the "poor me" wah wah comments and postings. Sometimes I feel that if I could step out of my body I would turn around and slap myself for all my sad thoughts. There must be something so deeply wrong with me going way back to my childhood or not that has me so darn bent on seeing the world as evil and hopeless.
Tonight after my Barbri class ended early, I wanted to take some time and watch this week's episode of the Bachelor. I really wanted to see Jake with the families because I think seeing a woman with her family is a real indicator as to the quality person you have. This surprises me because I really like my wife's parents, and if my wife and I ended up like them, I wouldn't be sad in the least bit. However, let's just leave it that I ask G-d every day that I have the chance to find out what it would be like to make it to their age and still be married.
Let's switch back to the Bachelor for a moment. Everybody there is so infatuated with everyone, and I don't think any of them are in love with the other. I think they are in love with themselves, and how the other person makes them feel. Today when I saw Ali come to Jake and say, "I can't choose between you or my job," I knew it was over because IF IT WAS EVEN A QUESTION then the relationship is OVER. Now she's the whiny bitch drama queen who needs to just pretend she never met Jake because she's stupid for letting the "other love of her life -- her job" get in between the "love" (yeah, right) between her and Jake. For this reason alone I don't think she was ready to get married, and between us, I think this job thing was just used as an excuse to bow out of the show without getting kicked off of the show. People like us who have negativity oozing out never fool those around us for long; it always seeps out and destroys everyone around us if we're not careful.
Now back to my wife. I really wanted to watch this last episode of the Bachelor, and I knew my wife wasn't expecting me back from my Barbri class for another two hours, but tonight we had the MPT class and we ended with almost two hours to spare. I had internet access and headphones where I was, and even if they kicked me out, the Starbucks down the street had internet access and a couch and I totally could have disappeared for two hours and nobody would have known. However, I wanted to be kind to my wife who was home with the kids, and even if they were likely already asleep, I still couldn't chance the fact that she might be having a hard time and it would be just my luck if the day I decide to pull something like sneaking away to watch a show on Hulu is the one day she needs me (and my phone was dead so she couldn't reach me), so I went home.
Every night when I've come home, my wife was watching a show online using the slow computer (the one that barely functions because I took hers when mine went into the shop almost two weeks ago). I thought that I would watch the show (I already saw the first half while eating lunch, so I didn't think it was a big deal) so I asked her if she could continue watching her show for half an hour and then I'll give her the good laptop computer (this one is pitifully slow too, but at least it works like it should) but she refused and insisted that we trade and she get the good computer. Still in good cheer, I gave her the good computer thinking that she would ask me to join her on whatever she was watching.
Instead, she turned on Facebook and started playing Farmville, a game I DESPISE because I think it's the biggest brain-drain in the universe and it's a waste of time. Plus, she could have done that with my old slow computer. She didn't need mine (well, hers, but mine until after the bar) to play Farmville. I immediately got really upset and probably because I was highly caffeinated (I had around 5 strong coffees the hours beforehand because I spent most of the day at Starbucks studying), my blood boiled and I could have spit fire again. Instead, I grabbed a huge bag of pistachio nuts and munched away at it while watching Brian Williams on MSNBC (I don't know why I feel compelled to watch this news every night -- I am always disappointed by the lack of content) with the frame skipping making the video not watchable but I didn't care. It was either that or lose my temper.
I felt that I was kind for coming home. I felt that I was kind for offering my wife my computer. i felt betrayed that when I gave, she took, leaving me in the dirt. What did I expect? If you give, you expect the person you give to to take. I don't know why I was so angry that she didn't let me watch the Bachelor, and I don't know why I fumed over her choosing to go on Facebook rather than do something together with me after I just went through so much conflict to NOT watch the show before I came home. In my good graces (which means my warped mind) I even considered spending time with her until she went to sleep an hour or so later and then I would watch my show. But she hogged the computer I gave her and I felt she was selfish.
Instead of popping or breathing fire, I put my headphones on, went into our bedroom and listened to a Holosync Awakening Prologue session. I don't know that this does anything for me, but I've been playing a game with myself trying to see if I can get through it without falling asleep. Tonight I was so upset and angry that I stayed awake throughout the whole session. In hindsight, I did have a mind-altering experience in that I stayed awake, but in a meditative state which is an accomplishment for me, but I couldn't get over being so angry.
What frustrated me the most is that it was over something so small, tiny, and stupid. I visualized 100 times my wife climbing into my bed and giving me a hug being oblivious to the anger I had for her this night and me telling her in a nasty voice to go to hell. I went back and forth in my mind during the Holosync session whether to just drop the anger and the fight because it was over something so stupid, and I reasoned with myself that it wasn't worth the hurt to our relationship to get all worked up over something like this.
I awoke from the Holosync session (well, it ended and I lied there on the bed for a few moments feeling that my wife was still awake and was looking at me), folded up the earphones, and walked out of the room without looking back. I softly closed the door behind me and I wondered, "did she know I was so angry tonight? Did I hurt her tonight? Have I done damage to our relationship?" I visualized my daughter older coming up to me and asking, "Daddy, why did you leave us?" I couldn't imagine being a divorced father with just visitation rights and in my short hiatus into my mind, I abandoned my children thinking that a clean break would be better for them than a father that was not able to be a father to them. I cried inside my mind over my divorce and over the loss of my children. I then wanted to go back into the bedroom and kiss my wife, but I was still angry at her and I heard her snoring so I didn't want to wake her.
All in all, I really hope I don't damage my marriage or my relationship with all this emotion and anger, and I really pray that this difficult time pass and that we get a chance to be a family and that my wife and I get a chance to open up to each other (since I feel as if we've been estranged for some time), and all this extra pressure of having charges filed against me, having to defend myself against the NY Character & Fitness Board, and losing all of our unemployment and having absolutely no money come in -- well, I wish it would all go away and that I can be a successful attorney with a happy wife and a healthy home.
PS - To my new father friend also taking the bar exam (Matt), you shouldn't be spending your time reading this blog. It'll kill your time, it'll poison your mind, and it'll distract you from doing what you really should be doing instead of reading this... you should be either studying for the bar exam or doing kind acts for your wife and your children, not reading my warped misogynist thoughts.