I have been trying each day and every moment not to think about what has been done to us, and while some moments I am able to distract myself, other moments just haul me right back into the feelings of hurt and violation from the objectively innocuous but malicious attack that has transpired. I will consciously not think about it again, but I will post about it after the intended posting of this article (either at the bottom or in a separate article). The injury, however, is still too fresh and so I am not sure how much I can share, and I am not being mysterious or dramatic on purpose.
Oh hell, I'll talk about it now, and let's see what comes of this.
Naturally, I am not the most politically correct person. In real life, I am rough around the edges, I speak my mind, and I am honest (apparently to my detriment here). I used to believe that if I am forthcoming, authentic, and if I have integrity, people would respect me. I've always wanted to be seen when I get older as one of those rough lumberjack-like mentalities who have a very clear and set way about me, and where every bone in my body was real and even though people may not like me, they trust me that I wouldn't deceive them.
But I find that this kind of honest person does not operate well in this world; he is at a significant disadvantage because people all around him are scheming to hurt him, to trick him, to attack him, or to nudge him to reveal the dishonesty that MUST be under his rough skin. "Every man has skeletons in his closet," people think, but mine are not the kind that people suspect.
If you saw me on the street, whether or not I thought you were likable or whether I thought you were garbage, I would still smile and give you real kindness. I'd say hello and I'd mean it. I would not share my thoughts with you about you, but if you asked, I'd tell you what I was thinking. Being a bit more broad in my description, I do stick out of a crowd as being smarter, wiser, better, possibly more virtuous than those around me. This is not my intent, but it's the reality of it and even though I NEVER BOAST about my qualities (I mean in person, not here on the blog or in my thoughts), people very often feel put off by me, and they often think that I think that I am so much better than them and it really pains me to say that too often, they are right.
Apparently, I stepped on someone's ego. Instead of shaking it off, this person went violent on me and my reputation, but he didn't stop there. He gathered tenuous evidence and made false accusations about me about things that he knew not to be true. He filed complaints with government agencies charging me with crimes I did not commit and that I have proof that I did not commit, but now the livelihood and integrity of my family is now at risk because my reputation is at risk. The kind of things he accused me of will always be with me, and if asked about, even if I am found not guilty, I will always have been accused of it.
It digs into my chest like a knife that this person did this for the sole purpose of causing me emotional harm. I think if and when he reads this blog, he will have immense satisfaction knowing that he has caused me pain. I have vomited over being accused of this, and I have felt dizzy, shaky, nauseous, and light-headed since I found out about it. I cry privately over this, because the aggravation I am feeling now that I have to hire a lawyer and defend myself right in the middle of studying for the NY bar; it is unthinkable. NY's character and fitness board has even contacted me and told me that if I am found guilty, I might not be admitted into the state. All this while I have been doing nothing except what I should be doing -- studying for the bar exam.
Here is my source of calm. I learned a long time ago from a woman who troubled me to no end but taught me more than I could ever acknowledge that everybody is dishonest, trust nobody, and document everything. I learned to keep records of everything with dates on every page of paper. My source of calm is that I keep records, and I can prove that his claims are incorrect. However, this being said, I cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt that his circumstantial evidence is not sufficient to have these agencies take action against me and I am lucky I do not have to. However, I have not yet been formerly charged, and thus with all these informal hearings not subject to the rules of evidence and law, I fear for my family's stability and financial well being every moment because I know that this can change our family's fate and possibly force us to leave the state.
On the note of fate, I believe with every fiber of my being that there is a G-d and that he controls everything and everyone, and thus this is happening for a reason. I think to myself that either I have made a wrong turn and he is correcting my path, albeit via this unbelievably complicated way, or that this is a divine decree against me and that I and my family are being punished for things I have done or not done. I am bitter about this, and I've always wished that Hashem would not test me and would just set me out on a calm pathway and let me live out my life with my spiritual struggles, but apparently he loves me because he has turned his attention towards me with these hardships.
One thing my accuser has not anticipated is that I don't forget. I will defend myself against his claim, and regardless of whether I win or lose, when the moment presents itself, I will hit him judicially hard and where it hurts, and I will do it with truth. I will sue him where it hurts, and if G-d is with me, he will know that dishonesty is a very dark and painful place that I pray to G-d that he wishes he never visited.
Until then, I am the injured sheep. I am the defeated, meek one going "be'eh." However, I promise that I will learn to become the viper with sharper fangs and more poison than anyone would have ever imagined.
I have so much that can be attacked with truth. I have so many secrets, so many skeletons, and so many unpopular beliefs that any attack dog can have a field day with any of my weaknesses. But to attack me with falsehood, no. I do not consent to be lunged at with a lie. I still believe the justice system is good. Please don't jade my idealistic view of things with your filthy lies, you dog. Even worse, I saw you as my friend.