Now my thoughts about other matters. My wife chides me that I enjoy watching TV shows such as "The Bachelor", but I find the interactions between the characters quite telling of real life. There is so much to human interactions that even if everything looks good on paper, it might still not feel right. The chemistry might not be there.
I also enjoy the quite obvious theme of "what do you get when you squeeze an orange?" ANSWER: ORANGE JUICE! 'What about if you squeeze an apple?" ANSWER: APPLE JUICE! Moral of the story, when a person gets squeezed, what EVENTUALLY COMES OUT is WHAT IS INSIDE. I see these girls with such perfect-looking exteriors break down with their inner insecurities. I see honest people get caught lying and have to face the consequences of having to be asked to leave the show. And then I see hated people like Vienna who everyone dislikes be shown kindness even in the face of being accused from every side. What made me smile tonight while watching the latest episode is that I felt that she let her insecurities slip when she went to visit whoever the guy is in bed. I loved it when he felt uncomfortable and he sent her upstairs. Jake I believe is his name.
In other words, what people are can never be hidden indefinitely by a facade. Eventually the truth ALWAYS comes out. This comforts me because I feel that life would vindicate me if what is inside really came outside to be viewed by all. I don't think that I hide much. I certainly hide stuff, no doubt. But not much. At least if my insides were exposed, people would see that I have a good heart. There's not much beyond that that I have to fear. Yes, I used "that" twice in the last sentence on purpose.
Then i think about my wife. My blatantly rough and honest wife who I can trust. our relationship is nothing like what I see on TV, but we both work very hard and are just trying to make due with what has been given to us in terms of skills, blessings, and opportunities. It still phases me that I can rarely get a read on what my wife is thinking, but it occurred to me tonight that this is only because after three years of marriage, she has not yet opened up to me. She has not yet learned to lower her guard, and she has not learned to be vulnerable and open around me. Even though this is a serious violation in my values in what I expect out of a husband-wife relationship, and even though there are other serious complaints I have about our marriage such as the distance we share from each other and lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy, the one deep bond that I can rely on her for is that she is honest and she is faithful to our relationship and to our family. I suppose there is nothing more needed in a relationship than that, and all my other complaints are silenced because I wouldn't trade these traits for the others that I sometimes miss.
Anyway, again, the second watch of the evening is upon us, and thus I must force myself to give up my streaming evening thoughts and I will force myself to retire to my bed listening with headphones to my holosync audios as I fall asleep to awaken to yet another very difficult day in a stream of many difficult days, weeks, and months. Life will get better, because everything changes eventually.