Unintended Consequences; Letter to my wife.

You could say the world is full of unintended outcomes... We elect former-President Bush, a republican, and we end up having eight years of a democratic government; we invade Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction, and that war becomes both his legacy and his downfall. I could go on, but really, I'm just looking for examples of unintended results to broach the point of this diary entry.

Mikey was correct in that I went through a few names prior to thinking up the brilliant gender-neutral name of "Zoe Strickman," a perfect conglomerate of the names of those of my past who have made me who I am today. You should know that the name "Zoe" is not pronounced "Zoey" (the woman's name), but it is just as it is spelled -- "Zoe," which in truth is short for Lorenzo, a man who I listened to almost daily for many years of my life and who I looked to for guidance in forming the person I wanted to be.

So Mikey was correct in mistakenly calling me by a previous blog name which was short for "Hershey Kisses" and "Hershey Park," formerly two of my favorite foods and places respectively prior to becoming religious to the point of keeping cholov yisroel and being introduced to Six Flags, my new favorite theme park spanning across the US of which I've visited many of their parks under one unlimited summer past during one fun-filled summer I will never forget.

All this talk of Mikey and my frustration of people trying to figure out who I am combined with the recent tensions I've been having at home between work difficulties, career direction difficulties, and school all balancing (and in my opinion secondary to) my home life I suppose has piqued EVEN MY WIFE'S INTEREST in the blog.

The problem is, even though I asked her to stay off the blog, she ignored my request and went on anyway.

I'm not sure this is a good thing, and this is certainly an UNINTENDED OUTCOME, the thanks to which I owe you, Mikey. Now because G-d made you think to call me Hershey rather than Zoe, I got annoyed and now my wife is one of you thus taking away my ability to be fully forthright in my diary entries for fear that I will get a lashback from the things I've written by those I love. This is why I shut down my first blog in its entirety; I had too many of my friends visiting and reading my personal blog and any time I wrote something about them (whether or not I named them), I'd get hate mail and hurt feelings from their misunderstandings of what I have written when the whole problem could have been averted by not reading my private stuff.

On the topic of my wife reading the blog, the problem is that I feel that any issues that need to be resolved between me and my wife should be resolved between me and my wife face-to-face, and not via a blog that she reads from time to time to take my temperature as to how I am feeling about things in the marriage or with the relationship. A blog should not be a crutch for human interactions, and I could easily see it being used that way.

*I AM NOT THE WEATHER OR THE YAHOO! NEWS, AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE INSULTING THAN CHECKING ON ME AS IF YOU'RE CHECKING THE WEATHER OR THE NEWS. I AM A HUMAN BEING TO BE TALKED TO AND TO BE ENJOYED AND CHERISHED, LEANED ON, AND ADMIRED. I AM SOMEONE TO GO TO FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. I AM NOT A NEWS REPORT ON WHAT IS THE LATEST AND GREATEST ON YOUR OWN LIFE.*

Thus, IF you have disregarded my wishes that you not read the posts on this blog and you are reading this, then you too have violated my privacy and have invaded into an area into which you have not been invited. I feel hurt and very small that you have decided to disregard my wishes and read my inner thoughts when these inner thoughts are meant to be shared with you BY ME PERSONALLY where we discuss what is on our minds and we connect by sharing our thoughts and our feelings, not via a news feed.

If for some reason you have developed an interest in me and want to be more a part of my life than you have been, then yes, asking me to share with you PORTIONS of my blog posts is a great way to have me share many parts of myself with you. But some of the things I have written on this site are just simply too embarrassing or shameful to me because they expose a side of me that is out of control sometimes or lacking confidence or the kind of emotional strength I try to exude when I am around you, and I would feel violated if you knew those things about me which undermine what I try to show you as being who I am. The fact of the matter is that I don't share all my thoughts with you because we don't have that kind of relationship despite my attempts to develop that kind of trust with you. Another fact of the matter is that you don't know everything that is on my mind because half of the time you shut me up before I get a chance to even share what I wanted to share with you, hence much goes by the wayside.

But generally all you'll find on this blog are problems and issues. I don't have any motivation to write blog entries when my day has gone wonderful. I only write my diary entries when I have a need to reflect, hence this is not an accurate portrayal of the complete way I see things. My blog serves the same purpose of a diary -- to catch emotions and reactions -- and nothing more (except a blog has the perk of getting objective feedback in contrast to diaries which only gather dust on a shelf only to be burned years later when you're covering up things or values you ones thought or felt.)

Thus, unintended consequences. The point of discussing Mikey was never to have you come visit my blog. This was an unintended consequence; let's see what comes of it. Since our IM, you have shut down all communications to me and have not answered any of my correspondences to you, making me nervous that "here we go again" I have offended you, or that I have hurt you with my cold, sharp tongue which stumps out from the tongue of my hand writing each and every hurtful blog entry that threatens any rosy lalala vision of Eden that you might have, bringing to the surface the one unrecognized truth -- that one of our needs haven't been met and that one of us wants more from the relationship than the other has provided. Crashing windows, falling glass, welcome to Frumpterland.

Letter to Mikey on this blog's policy with regard to uninvited guests.

I was thinking about one of the messages I got from a person named "Mikey" which got me thinking. This message is not only to him, but to others like him who have stumbled onto my blog and who think they have "figured out" who I am. This goes against the purpose of this blog, and if any of such persons are on this blog without my permission, I consider this a violation and I expect that you will abstain from visiting the blog in the future. This blog is private.

The concept here is Loshon Hara, many people's favorite sin (and Mikey, I'm not saying this is yours, or that you are correct; you could be a well-meaning, good person). I am posting articles of this blog onto a public forum, hence anybody is able to access the blog. This is similar to me leaving the front door to my apartment unlocked. However, just because access is possible does NOT mean that it is not a trespass or a violation. A person wouldn't walk UNINVITED into another person's unlocked house, would they? Anyone that does risks getting shot.

My blog is my personal diary, and the benefit of the blog is that I have readers (many of whom I have developed friendships with over the past five years and keep in regular contact with and whose feedback I value) who read my blog for whatever their reasons -- hopefully the content on my blog helps them with their own issues that (chos v'sholom) they are facing. But, for whatever reason, I publish the blogs with the intent of getting FEEDBACK and COMMENTS which help me resolve or take positive steps to resolving personal issues that I am dealing with, whatever or with whomever they are at the time. ...back in law school, the blog was about dealing with the psychological issues facing a law student, and during other times over the years, they have been with regard to religious issues such as faith, observance, and understanding problems as they arise.

The blog has been a very helpful tool for me, but it only works when there is honesty, trust, and full disclosure of the issues and the feelings revolving the issues. The facts of the circumstances are obviously changed (and often not well enough) with regard to genders, locations, and relationships, but hopefully the changes are enough so that 1) the issues can still be properly addressed, and 2) as I have said in previous blog entries, so that those reading my blog would not recognize me "...if I were standing right next to them," as has happened on many occasions when friends of mine discussed the blog with me oblivious to the fact that I was the author. This is not because I have a big ego or that I get my jollies by having readers show an interest in my life, although I would never deny that this is a benefit of having a blog. I keep the anonymity for the simple reason that this world is not always a friendly place, that there are people who get pleasure out of hurting others (may they be cursed), and as a lawyer, there is an age-old rule, "NEVER WRITE ANYTHING DOWN THAT CAN LATER BE USED AGAINST YOU!" of which makes me nervous about anything I put down "on paper" in this blog.

Thus, in order for me to continue to keep this blog up, and to fully disclose to you what is going on in my life, I need 1) anonymity, and 2) privacy. I need to know that you will NOT be sharing details about my personal life with others. In Jewish law, this is called "Loshon Hara" and is a severe transgression. For that reason, I never name names in this blog, and I expect that you will never do so either.

But if anyone of my friends or those who know me want to get in touch with me, I have a private e-mail address under the Zoe Strickman name, frumpter@gmail.com. If you know my real name, I invite you to either e-mail me or join me on facebook.com -- depending on who your are, I might even be okay with you viewing this blog. However, if this permission was not EXPRESSLY granted, then this blog is NOT a place for your eyes -- the door is unlocked, but entry is NOT WECOME and NOT INVITED.

-Zoe

PS - Obviously, I can't enforce this or stare at you down the barrel of a shotgun, but if you continue to read this blog uninvited and against my wishes, you must understand that you are doing so under the condition that you KEEP WHAT YOU READ PRIVATE. You have been warned that discussing my private matters with others is a violation of loshon hara, and you'll have worse to answer to than to me.)

2/22/09 Diary Entry, 10:30am.

Some blog posts are written for feedback, others such as this one are written just so that I can somehow record how I'm feeling at a certain time. Obviously my feelings don't have to be supported by reality or make sense.

I'm having a difficult time without my wife and my children. They've been in California for the past week with her parents so that my father-in-law could have a chance to spend some time with them because he couldn't come here. My wife obviously also needed to get away for some time because she's been under a huge amount of stress, but that's not the reason for this entry.

I'm feeling as if I'm needing something out of this relationship that I'm not getting, and I haven't gotten it in some time and the bad feelings are starting to creep up on me. It's difficult staying positive and keeping a smile on my face when looking my son in the eye over Skype when really I want nothing more than to cry that I feel the relationship between my wife and I is often lacking depth. Just because two people produce children doesn't mean that they have a right to not be part in the other person's life, or to ask what is going on or even to care what is going on. Further it is not proper not to open up to the one you love because as a spouse you have a DUTY and a RESPONSIBILITY to foster closeness within the relationship; both do.

I've been feeling more and more frustrated each day because all I'm doing on the videos is saying "BAH!" to my loving almost-two-year-old son and my wife is somewhere in the background, usually not part of the conversation. This goes on for 10 minutes at a time, and it has happened almost every day last week and I'm missing my WIFE. I want to spend some time with my wife; I want to connect with her, to say hello to her, to share how much we're missing each other (is she missing me?).

I'm just so fed up with the lack of emotion in our relationship that I just want to break out and scream! I have so much pent up anger and frustration from feelings of "I'm worth something! How come you don't recognize that or acknowledge that?!?" I'm feeling used, I'm feeling thrown away, I'm feeling like I served my purpose by being there for the children and making money, but my wife has no need for me. And then I get angry at her for rejecting me because rejected over and over is how I feel. If I've kept this to myself I'd be at fault, but I'm exhausted from the many times I've shared this with her, asking her to share things, feelings, thoughts, ideas with me but I get nowhere with her leaving me frustrated yet again and again.

What gets me so deeply and what hurts so deeply is that I see that my son is noticing this and that is killing me inside. He is starting to recognize other people's feelings, and is starting to look into my eyes and react to how I'm feeling which makes me wail in sadness inside because I'm afraid that he is sensing my frustration, tension and sadness and I don't want to share this with him; I don't want him to know this. And moreso, he's beginning to copy me.

This hurt the most the day my wife and I got into a verbal fight. I kept a calm demeanor when fighting with her over whatever the issue might have been at that point of time (sometime last week and the week before), but what has KILLED me inside is that my son has started to mimic my intonations -- my angry intonations when I've spoken to my wife in anger.

I've lost interest in writing. I'm going to get back to my school work.

Much to my wife's credit...

I appreciate that many of you are sticking up for me and even writing me letters with advice. While some of what you are saying is true, I felt that I needed to clarify the truth of things because I am not sharing all this with you so that I can have a pity party where I am the star of the show. My goal here is to get help which is to my being impressed is exactly what I have received from you, just as I have received really good advice from fellow bloggers back when I was dealing with issues back in law school, as some of you remember. However, I feel as your depiction of my wife is a half truth, and I wanted to correct that because in order to truly work this out, I need to be upfront and honest about both her AND me.

The me I'm pretty sure you know. I am a hard worker, a loving father, a caring husband. I let my work dominate my life from the hours of 8am-7pm every day, and I don't take my work home with me. Family is family, and work is work. For the most part I am not happy at my job because I am lacking enough work to keep me going at full capacity and thus I am often bored or I end up billing way too much time to a project just to make my minimum billable hours requirement. ...and when I bill hours, for the most part, I've done work to justify that billing. ...but that's okay because I feel that I am always one project away from being fired, so I do the best I can and I leave the rest of it up to G-d. Honestly, I would enjoy being home more than going to work every day, but the saving grace is my iPod with news videos which I listen to on the commute each way; it's my way of watching television since we don't have one in the house. At nights, I enjoy watching movies (Netflix/Hulu) on the computer, and I am taking electrical engineering classes to get an EE degree so that when I am fired (rather than if), I'll be able to get a job as a patent attorney without too much unemployment.

Those are my strengths. My weaknesses is that I have little self confidence despite the contradiction of being such a strong and commanding presence. I have an active mind that makes things up and that hears things all the time which often makes me think that something like wind batting the front door is someone trying to break into the apartment and attack my family, or that the pitter-patter of a dripping kitchen faucet are footsteps. I live my life very afraid that I'll get attacked or killed, but I keep it all to myself and I have learned over the years to stay calm so that when something freightens me, nobody around me can even notice that I've been startled (unless they have a heart monitor on me.) This is because I believe in things like angels and demons (or malachim and shin-daleds), but contrary to Jewish thought, even though I know mezuzahs on my doors protect me in theory, I'm always afraid of being wrong, especially from the many sins I commit against G-d. Now to the untrained or the therapist, I sound like I have OCD or some mental illness, but in truth, I am a realist and I know I've sinned and I sin daily and because I lack a fear of G-d I continue to sin. But I don't forget that one day there will be a reckoning for my sins, and I or my soul will get its butt kicked unless I figure out a way to change my life to act more in line with Jewish law. Bullocks, you say, but really, this is the way things are, and I'm not interested in being taught why I am wrong -- I have my mother who has more of a Yushka model of G-d then a Torah model. "G-d loves everybody for who we are, not what we do, yadda yadda, as long as we're good people, yadda yadda, he'll protect us." To take matters further, I've thought of not being religious to be more congruous with my feelings of apathy, but honestly knowing what I am supposed to do and be as a Jew, I'd be afraid to do anything else.


As for my relationship with my wife bless her heart, she and I have the same weaknesses with regard to religion when it comes to prayer and fearing G-d, but she has no secular past and I do. However, her personality is the kind of personality I've never seen until I met her. She is a kind person in that her heart loves, worries, cares for, and cherishes -- this I know because she's shared this with me telling me that she experiences this -- but I would NEVER EVER KNOW THIS BY LISTENING TO HER SPEAK OR WATCHING HER ACT. She is totally emotionless at the surface, almost as if her and Lillith (Frasier's ex-wife from Cheers) were sisters. On top of that, she has a mean and dark sense of humor where if I weren't paying close attention, I'd be hurt by her words. On top of that, she's not the best communicator out there, and being blatantly honest, her communication skills are quite poor and so she stays quiet for the most part which spooks me because the only way I know what she is thinking is based on what she says because I have a difficult time reading her otherwise. Me on the other hand, I am totally expressive, easily understanding of my feelings, and able to express them just as easily as I am able to feel them. I am in touch with my emotions, and my thoughts are crystal clear in my head. I might be a very slow thinker, but I am a very sharp thinker. Even in my wife's vocal inflections (the sounds of her voice), I can never tell what she is thinking because she's so well guarded. There is almost always ZERO emotion in her voice, and she doesn't show any interest when speaking to me (and I actually think she lacks interest because everything bores her) and so even speaking to her on the phone is painful and difficult. It always has been, even when we were dating. I just thought she'd warm up to me after getting married, and she has somewhat, but I still have a huge difficult time understanding and reading her, EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S UPSET. Then she breathes a certain way, she shoots anger in every direction (yes, I feel it), her tone is hurtful, and she might as well shoot fire out of her eyes because when she's angry it burns. The problem is that I have the feeling that she is exactly like me when it comes to anger, in that I find reasons not to be angry 1000 times before I decide that its appropriate to get angry. Then watch out because fire might as well be spewing out of my eyes as well. However, I've learned to short circuit this anger so I rarely lose my temper if ever, and she is the ultimate in controlling her emotions as well and so its rare that I see her anger until it has broken her down to tears. So I think you're getting an idea of who my wife is. Here's the contradiction.

I've found that she is happiest when she laughs, and she only laughs at sarcasm. Meanness calms her somehow, and so I've learned to go against my nature and to match her in her level of sarcasm, and when she's in a good mood we're perfect together. When she's not fully up to speed however, my sarcasm (which really is a mirror of her sarcasm) hurts her and makes her feel as if I'm being critical of her. But this leaves me confused because when I'm interacting with her, I'm interacting with her at her level, not at mine. This is not to say that I am not being myself, which is not true. I am myself. However, I am not my calm, friendly, and cheery self -- not with all the pressures I'm going through on a daily basis both at home, at work, and spiritually. Each is a huge burden to bear. But I do my best which is everything I can contribute emotionally and physically.

Here's the kicker. While I know she loves me, it drives me nuts that I can't see it, hear it, or even sense it from her. The only reason I know she loves me is because she is still here. I would not know it otherwise. She doesn't confide in me. She doesn't open up her feelings to me. She doesn't have conversations with me (it is usually me that has to start the conversations or else there's silence) and even when I start conversations, she's not only not interested in continuing the conversations, but she is DIS-interested in them and apparently gets annoyed by talking to me. Honestly, I often feel alone and unloved in this relationship because I get none of that from her. And when we are allowed to be physical with each other, it is rare that we are physical. I have my own bed (and might as well have my own room) which I sleep in even when being physical is permitted. While I'm sure there are exceptions, she is just not interested in me physically, even though she claims otherwise when I confront her on it. Anyway, most nights I sleep alone, and I don't even get a touch on the shoulder when being physical is allowed. I think I'm being complete in this statement.

But picture this. Under that hardened exterior is a woman who is completely in love with me, and who has committed fully her life to being in a relationship with me. She has mothered my children, and has an undying concentration and stamina to mothering our children. She tries her hardest to be a good wife and a good mother, and she also tries to do housework, although she often feels as if the attention given to the kids detracts from her interest or attention to taking care of anything else. She loves me and she can't wait for me to come home each night. In anticipation of my arrival, she often has dinner prepared (and often not too *evil grin*). She is for the most part frugal, and she's on board with our goal of curbing a lavish lifestyle for a few years so that we can get out of debt. She doesn't demand earrings, diamonds, or lavish gifts (although she certainly admits that she wants them), and she doesn't ask anything of me except for my attention, my help, and my time. She wants to be loved by me, and she wants to be shown she's loved even though she rarely shows appreciation of anything with regard to emotions in return. She treats me like a friend or a brother, but not like a husband. She doesn't lean on me, she doesn't pay attention to my feelings or even wonder how I am doing, and if she is, she doesn't show it. Since she's overburdened with the kids, she wants the paycheck, but she wants me home full-time as well.

This is my wife in a nutshell. In short, she's Olive Oyl and I'm Popeye.

Letter to an old friend.

I feel that there is a telling letter that I wrote to a long lost friend that found me on facebook the other day. I wanted to share the letter with you, my diary and my readers.

I'm sorry about the passing of your dad, and I'm sorry about what you and your mom are now going through; I remember them quite well. If I had the ability, I would drive over there just to say hello even knowing I wouldn't be recognized.

I don't think my life has been difficult with things I couldn't handle, nor do I think there was much hardship in terms of tragedies, just one thing after another that I had to muster strength to overcome, and the problems appeared to pass with time, each one on its own. Since you know me before anything happened, I'm sure we have a lot to talk about, just as I'm sure there's a lot to discuss with your experiences. On the career and reaching for your dreams front, with hindsight my experience was that pretty much every time I reached for something, I was struck down, as if G-d was pushing me away from achievements that weren't meant to be mine. But that doesn't mean life wasn't full of its interesting experiences. One for example was that the work we did together led to me having starring roles at The Opera House [obviously I changed the name for privacy purposes], an experience that led to others and almost being in a movie (the name of which escapes me). But for whatever reason, that whole life fizzled out, partly around the time my parents divorced. Then started the struggles with school, trying to get good grades but only achieving mediocre grades, getting into second-class colleges, etc. which brings me where I am today which to some is really far from where I was, but in my estimations definitely far away from where I hoped I would be. I really don't care what people think about my life (even though my wife says everyone thinks it is perfect); there is a deep discontinuity between the life I live today based on the decisions I made over the years and the life I saw for myself when I was younger. I try not to think about that much because it only causes regret and I try not to dwell on negative things because they hurt too much.

But I am grateful for my family which is more of a gift than an achievement. Interestingly enough, while I have a billion acquaintances and one or two best friends (one is in Iraq and the other I don't speak much with as much as I would like), my wife says that she thinks it is funny that after all I've been through, my friendships are for the most part shallow. Obviously you could dispute that because you are one of many people I will have deep friendships with forever regardless of whether we got back in touch today or twenty years from now. Same with Bill, Joanne, and many other people from camp, college, yeshiva and beyond. I guess what I am sharing is that despite all the things I've accomplished, in sharing my history since you knew me, people and friends have come and gone and I never took the time to develop meaningful and lasting friendships with any of them (and I ended up even burning bridges with most of them as I moved onto the next chapter of my life) which has left me today without people I can call friends who have anything to do with the daily runnings of our lives. That's just an interesting side effect of my life, and something I need to figure out and fix over the coming months and years.

So you live in [blanked out location and state], eh? ...the farthest train stop and the only place in the world people don't visit or pass through on a daily basis during their daily commutes. How in the WORLD did you end up there? (That being said, I considered moving there in 2005 because I wanted to seclude myself from society and create a life where I determine the outcome of it rather than needing to go along with the rat race that forces my hand at every turn -- you could see I wasn't successful in that task.)

By the way, I think I made a mistake just now and I was referring to [blank], not [blank], although you ARE pretty far out there. Anyway, I am hours away from you, but we are not tied here and in fact, I am literally one thread away from being fired from my attorney job here because there is not enough work and so in order to fill my days, I need to work longer on the projects I have which is affecting my efficiency and thus I am always days or weeks away from being fired. That being said, my wife and I are considering moving to your state so that I can finish an electrical engineering degree I've been working on, or California which is where my wife's family is from -- that is the more likely option since her parents are there and they would make eager and enthusiastic grandparents, something we could really use.

Perfect Storm of Events; my wife no longer wants me going to school or working in a law firm.

This situation is obviously a tough one, and I am VERY thankful that a therapist has read my posts and responded to them. This is the reason I keep this blog at the peril of getting other upset for my disclosure of private things, but I try to keep enough of a distance so that those reading the blogs can know me well, but I try to change the facts enough so that if they are standing next to me, they would never recognize me. That being said...

I had another interaction with my wife this morning. It was naturally me trying to be nice to her and then us getting into a fight because I got insulted. This is becoming a tiring experience. In the end, she cried and I backed off, and I got my answer. I'll back up a bit.

Last night I came home and she didn't greet me or anything. Thinking that I wasn't going to give in, I couldn't help but to go see my sleeping son who was in the room past our bedroom where she was nursing. I passed by her bedroom, and without saying anything, I smiled and waved hello. I then went into my office to work on an assignment that was due 8am the following morning.

She came in with the newborn baby and held her in front of her face and said, "stop being angry at mommy." It was so cute I had to smile. I told my wife I loved her (and I meant it), and that was it. The ice was broken.

She then went to bed, yet the kids kept waking her up. I took care of the older one spending quite a bit of time with him to help him fall back asleep while she took care of the little one. I had the speaker-remote-device for the baby monitor in my office (my wife left it there from earlier in the day) so I could hear what was going on. At one point some time later, after a number of times the newborn woke up, I could tell she was getting really frustrated and so I stopped my work and calmed her for a few minutes. Then I gave her to my wife to feed. I continued going back and forth between my homework and calming our older son (who will be two in a few months), and at one point, my wife took him into her bed which was the end of my ability to help because we're still in Niddah from the birth and I can't be climbing all over my wife's bed to soothe our son. So I let my wife take care of it.

Shortly afterwards, I could tell she was getting sharply angrier and was changing her tone towards the children, but I knew my wife wouldn't yell at or hurt our children so I didn't say anything. Then the monitor was shut off and all I heard was static; I thought nothing of that - she shuts it off every evening. I continued my work until 3am when I submitted it by e-mail, and went to bed. Everyone was asleep.

This morning, I woke up, and the first thing I said to my wife when she woke up some time later was, "wow, I saw you had a difficult night" trying to be soothing to her. She snapped at me and blamed me for not being around these past few days (she is right -- every day last week I was late at work doing a surprise assignment that I could have lost my job if I didn't complete), and then because I didn't have time at nights to work on my homework, I had two assignments and an exam due on Sunday for one class, and a large assignment due this morning 8am for the other class; I completed everything over the weekend on Sunday and didn't spend a moment with my wife who was huffy puffy about it hence the problems in the previous blog entries. Last night, I worked on the one remaining assignment which I finished at 3am.

She then went on to say that she felt that I shouldn't have done the assignment and instead I should have helped her with the children, and I should have taken the reduction of the grade in turn for not handing in the assignment (note that if I don't get above a certain grade (B+ I think), my work requires me to refund them the tuition they paid for me to take the course, a condition of my employment). I told her that I understood how she felt and that I *did* help out with the children last night, and then I went through my recollection of the night before (which between us was why I was up until 3am and not 12am). She then contradicted me saying that my facts are incorrect by three hours and she was challenging the details of when and how I watched our son which angered me because that wasn't the point. The point was that I was helping out and that I'm doing my very best to help out and I thought she was handling it fine or else I would have intervened. I got insulted and instead of starting a fight, I left the room.

Making coffee and still visibly upset, my wife entered the kitchen saying "we're not fighting; I'm not having a fight with you so you don't need to be angry" but I was angry. I told her that I thought she was distorting the facts and that it was wrong of her to argue the details of when and how I helped thus negating and making it appear as if I didn't help at all when in truth I felt I helped a lot. She continued to call me a liar and to say my facts were incorrect and that I didn't help the way I said I did which I know not to be true. She then broke down crying about how difficult it has been and that I don't know what she's been going through and how it hurt her so deeply to actually get angry at the children last night and to speak to them harshly as she did. I knew that this was the part where I was supposed to get all nice and kind, but I didn't want to encourage a habit forming of my wife crying to get my kind side, so I just reiterated that I understood that she had a difficult night.

She then said that I can't work in a law firm where I work many hours each week while she's home with the family and that lifestyle won't work for her. She also said that she doesn't want me continuing with the electrical engineering degree if that means that I will be in the office doing homework each night for the next few years. She just wants me to come home on time and help her take care of the kids, and she is putting her foot down that if this past week is the way things will be, then she won't have it.

Still keeping a friendly face, I explained to her that this past week was the perfect storm of events, and that I'll think about what she has said.

...all this being said, her mother is flying in now as we speak to take her to her home state for a week. She's leaving in the morning. I do believe I have an answer to this problem; I'll write it in the next posting.

She complains about her life which is what I have spent every moment of my years building and improving.

Things at home always seem better after a day of hard work. Like most days after a fight, now hours later, I have forgotten about what happened, although I could bet you she hasn't.

This morning, I woke up in a friendly mood, and I wanted to communicate to her how I was feeling last night and yesterday. I felt that if this was to be a healthy relationship, she should at least be aware of how her words affect me so that if she wanted, she could make a change to avoid hurting me if that was not what she intended.

I told her that I was hurt by the things she said and did yesterday, particularly mentioning the songs about how her life is so in the dumps, etc. She mentioned that she can't wait to go home tomorrow to her parents for a week to get away from this life. I said, "this life that you are so desperately trying to escape is the life that you and I have built and are building together as a family. How do you expect me to feel when you tell me that every moment of my energy is devoted to building something you hate?"

I then went on to mention that everyone has their problems and there is nothing wrong with having a difficult time or even expressing it. However, there is no excuse for not paying attention to your mood and taking your hard time out on other people; there is no reason to be nasty to me when I am the only one that is trying to make her life better. I bought her a swing for the baby to sleep in (and it has miraculously worked during the nights) so she can sleep; I've come home early for weeks now not spending the requisite billed hours at work just so she will have someone home with her; I've foregone going to the gym and I've missed SO MANY minyanim just so I can watch the baby and let her sleep a bit. She barked something back at me to the order of saying that she has no responsibility for watching her temper and she can act however she wants to act.

I then entered the shower remembering that it was is the woman who is given the sole ability to make or break shalom bayis, and I feel that regardless of my contributions, she is causing our relationship to taste very sour. Moments later (knowing that turning on hot water in the other bathroom causing the hot water to disappear from my shower), she let the water run. When I didn't scream in pain, a few seconds later, she shut the water off. I promised myself that I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't do it to intentionally douse me in cold water.

After the shower, there wasn't much interaction. She wasn't really talking to me, and she was talking to our son in Hebrew (using words she knows I don't know) which bothers me because she refuses to translate them to me when I ask and so I have an apprehension that she will somehow cause a language barrier between me and my children just in case something goes wrong in our relationship.

Marital problems (more, and yes, again.)

This one will be a tough diary entry to write, which probably means I shouldn't be writing it, let alone posting it on my private blog for all of you to see.

I'm having some trust issues with my wife, and it is bothering me. All day long I see her toiling over the kids, trying to keep everyone fed and to keep everyone from wrecking the house, yet what I am concerned about is not my wife's relationship with our children, but my wife's relationship with me.

I spend so much effort every day doing small things that I think will make my wife's life just a bit easier. Sometimes it is doing the dishes, sometimes it is cleaning a room that I know has been bothering her, sometimes it is holding a crying baby when I know her hands are tied. All of these are things I suppose I am expected to do, but when I do them, while I feel that it would be nice to be noticed, it certainly doesn't have to be and it very often is not which is totally okay by me. I suppose my goal in life is to grow with my wife so that we can approach it as a team and work better together than we would if we were apart. The problem is that I'm not so sure how much we're connected, and I'm not so sure how much we're a team.

I've approached her on this issue countless times, namely that I don't feel that she loves me or cares about me. Every time I do, for a few minutes she says that she does, but then her actions and her words tell me the opposite.

Now I'm no smart guy, but one thing I do believe I have is common sense. And with my common sense, I can tell when someone is liking me and when they loathe me. The vibes I get from my wife are that of hatred, not love. I feel as if she blames me for putting her into the mess of a life she feels that she is in. I feel as if she hates me for not being there for her regarding the physical helping with the feeding, bathing, diaper-cleaning, and holding of the babies. Now it is very easy to hyperfocus on those four multi-daily tasks, and while I *DO* hold my own regarding some of these, I don't doubt for a SECOND that there is a disparity here -- these are activities which typically fall on her to take care of while I attend to matters she is not willing or interested to take care of.

Does that mean that I am sitting on the couch reading a newspaper or surfing the internet or watching the football game with a beer in my hands? Literally, never. I could comfortably say that 95% of what would be free time is taken up by taking care of responsibilities that we have taken on as a family, whether that be the laundry, cleaning, work, or most recently over the past year, my schooling to get a technical science degree so that I can get a job as a patent attorney.

I could honestly say that in order to keep my job, I have been forced to stay late (until 8-9pm a number of days in the past week), and all of today, I spent in our home office working on school work that was due... oh, TODAY. I have a one-hour commute each way to work each day, and the time I spend working pays for our lifestyle which honestly isn't much because of all the school loans we have between us because of our respective advanced degrees, which I am paying.

In short, by far, I hold my own with regard to responsibilities, housework, and holding up the family both financially and otherwise. Yet the little extra things I do (such as cooking my wife lunch today and/or doing the laundry) is forgotten the second she begins to have a bad day with the children. Between us, and I'll go here for just a second knowing it will certainly get me in trouble later on, her points of view about how she views her life is quite troubling to me and is a pressure point which I've decided to deal with just because I have no other choice.

On the one hand, before the second baby was born, I was pushing VERY hard for my wife to get a part-time job just so that she can get out of the house and socialize with people who are older than ONE (year old). But she refused claiming that "in 9 months I'll be having a baby, and why start a job now when within the year, I'll have to leave to go on maternity leave." So she stayed home and agreed to be a stay-at-home mom, thus I expected her to do the role of a stay-at-home mom which included taking care of the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning (or shall I say the bare organization and throwing out of dirty diapers and trash into a bin rather than onto the floor), and I had hoped she would help further our family with regard to helping with errands, shopping, and the like. Honestly, she slacked on and was mediocre with EVERY aspect of this job with exception of taking care of the children for the most part, and she complained about it to no end in the process. The cooking was never consistent; the laundry was rarely done; the house was for the most part a mess with dirty diapers and trash all over the place, and FORGET ABOUT running errands -- she never did ONE THING I asked her to, always complaining about the baby as an excuse why she couldn't leave the house. Now we have two. There are a billion more things I can and really want to complain about, but that's not the point here.

Here's where the issue is. There was a time when all this bothered me, but I've decided to just take care of things that bother me myself and deal with it. But now she is saying that she doesn't enjoy being a full-time mother, and that she doesn't want to stay at home with the kids -- not even the 6-week old -- and that she wants to send them (yes, the 6-week old as well) so that she can go back to school and get a second advanced degree in some field I'm not so sure she has looked into fully, and I seriously doubt she'll even follow through with by applying for and/or getting and/or keeping a job when or if she even completes the degree. But I'm supporting her anyway and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

My preference is that whatever she does, whether it be getting a job, going back to school, or staying at home full-time, all I expect is that she does it well and fully. But again, I am deviating from my thought.

My thought is that I am sad because I don't feel loved by her. I don't feel respected by her. I don't feel as if she seeks my opinion, and when I offer it, she is almost certain to do the opposite of what I suggested. I feel hatred from her. I feel as if she wants out of our life, and that is not fair to me because I put my heart and every moment of my life into bettering our life, and this is a life she wants no part of. Yet I'm adjusting to her desires even though they go against the kind of life I want for us.

I was standing next to my son's crib this evening watching him sleep. I was sad to think "we are staying together because we want to give you a good life," yet I couldn't help to get out of my mind that I don't and haven't felt a connection to my wife in some time. Of course there are moments, and there are good hours and bad ones, but generally, I feel as if my life is spent figuring out how to stop my wife from her next bad mood. This suggests to me that my life circles around her mood swings, and while it would typically be me who is related to mood swings because I have them all the time, I feel as if the lack of affection, the lack of caring, and the lack of love I receive from my wife leaves me cold and distant, and with a headache and a heartache.

Plus, she really doesn't realize this, but the words she says hurt me very deeply and she does it quite frequently even though she denies this. I am someone who has a very tough outer shell. You could scream at me and I could seriously deal with it. However, when it is not anger aimed at me, but overheard in songs about how lonely she is and how she is abandoned and left without help and hope, and what a rotten person I am (when I am entering my 10th hour crunching numbers doing assignments that were due that same day), I'll be honest that it really hurts. She'll deny no doubt that she was singing about me, but really, she was and it was quite apparent that her pokes of hatred in her songs were at me.

And then there are the rude gestures and lack of courtesies that are exchanged during our day. She doesn't say hello to me when she greets me; in fact, she usually doesn't greet me or say hello. Usually it is me that has to initiate contact. Then, when I go to sleep, I always say good night. She never does. She doesn't talk to me when I am home, and she doesn't talk to me ever. When she passes by me, she'll say excuse me now that I've confronted her on it (she used to walk right through me, regardless of our halcahic status,) but it is never in an "excuse me honey" tone, but rather a "get out of my freakin' way" tone. I feel like I have more of a room mate than a wife.

Anyway, I'm saying this a thousand different ways, but bottom line, I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling the love, and anything I do to stimulate the love between us falls flat on its face. My wife feels that because she gives love to the kids, that means that she shows that she loves me, but I am a human being too! I am a person too with needs, feelings, and lots to share. I want her to talk to me to get my opinion. I want her to ask me questions and share with me her thoughts. I want her to express that she likes me, my personality, my efforts, and I want her to acknowledge that I am here. Most of all, I want her to love me, to care about me, and to express her love for me, because all I get from her is a whole lot slew of cold shoulders. Then again, that's my wife; full of love for our children, but with nothing left for me. No I don't resent my children for a second -- they deserve every bit of love they get. But I so often feel like I'm not married, but rather, I'm single, just with children and responsibilities to a person taking care of them.

Then -- and this is the part that blows my mind -- then I start doubting whether any of this is true, and I start imagining and fantasizing that our life is wonderful and that we are all just under stress and so there are just a number of bad moments which I am focused on, when there is so much other good which I am forgetting. But in my defense, if that were true, why would I even have the suspicion that something was wrong? In my belief system, if you smell smoke, there is usually fire. If you suspect something is wrong, you're either right or your psychotic. I am pretty sure it is not the latter.

Missed minyan.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing about. It's 6:30am and again I've missed minyan because I couldn't get myself together in time to head out the door and it makes no sense showing up half an hour late which is what it would be if I got dressed and left now. Minyan is at 6:30am here, and I set the alarm clock for 5:45am (I cannot get myself to agree to wake up to a time earlier than this, and I've often tried 5am, 5:15am, etc. but I don't seem to wake up to these times) and I *DID* wake up, but my goal was to run to the kitchen and turn on the hot water, run to the computer, load iTunes so that it can download podcast content so that I can listen to it on my hour commute to work, hop in the shower, get packed (pack lunch) and head off to minyan. I didn't make it past loading up iTunes.

I got so gripped by the news (interestingly nothing of content) that now it is 6:35am and again I missed minyan.

Thank you reader for calling me an "ass."

As a follow-up to last night's interactions with my wife, I was relieved when we finally got to the conversation topic towards the later end of the night. I didn't want to mention how much effort she obviously spent cleaning things up because I knew she was fuming angry about feeling pressured into cleaning it up (when really I just wanted her to pick up after herself). We clarified things, and while my wife somewhat apologized after hearing my side, I clarified that I wasn't upset and that my only goal was to help.

Anyway, yes, I'm the jerk, I always am. There is no good that I do, and I am the most unsupportive husband in the world devoid of needs of my own and deserving nothing. It is wrong of me to expect that a diaper or a poopy or snotty tissue be thrown into a plastic bag to be kept in the bedroom rather than having it thrown on the floor. I am wrong to ask for coffee cups to be taken to the sink rather than left around the house to be accidentally spilled by our toddler later on all over my paperwork and/or laptop computer. And yes, I am wrong to ask that things be put away when they are taken out instead of just left lying around, not immediately, but when (if) the chance presents itself.

For all these things, I am the ass, I am the terrible husband, and I am the insulting jerk.

Thanks.

Resolving the morning fight with my wife.

I dreaded coming home tonight. When I got to work, I tried to message her, but she wasn't interested in speaking to me. She was angry at me and cut the chat off before we could have a conversation. She said before ending the chat that she was "cleaning your stupid house so you could be comfortable while you're sick." Later in the day, I called her multiple times, but she didn't pick up the phone. After work around 6pm before going home, I even logged into my computer remotely, loaded up iTunes radio, and played dance music at the loudest setting to get her attention, but she did not respond. After calling her many times again, I got worried that maybe something chos v'sholom happened to her. Maybe she snapped from postpartum depression. Maybe the unthinkable happened. I kept ringing her phone, and just before I was going to call her mother, our neighbors, and the police to check in on her, she picked up. She was cold and unemotional. She said she was still angry at me and was not interested in talking to me.

I came home to a quiet house. Nobody greeted me hello (well, nobody does anyway except my son when he's up past his bedtime), and the house was silent. I walked in, saw that the house looked markedly cleaner, put down my things, cleaned out my coffee cup and my lunch containers, and I took out four bags of trash with two hands. When I came back in, I saw that the oven was on and that she placed two pieces of fish in for us to eat. That calmed me a bit.

Really this morning's fight was an escalation from me nicely asking her to please pay attention to cleaning up after herself since we're in post-birth mode, and after she pulled an attitude, it escalated into me calling her a slob. Really I just wanted us to put more of an effort together in keeping the house livable before we got back on our feet.

Seriously, Poor Me. I'm looking for pity even though I likely don't deserve it.

I am so distraught about what is going on in my home that I am sharing this "poor me" letter that I wrote to my mom who is coming to visit and to help out now that my wife has given birth to our B"H beautiful daughter. Look, I give tremendous credit to my wife for everything she is going through, and I commend her for her strength. I just wish sometimes that she was superhuman and/or perfect.

Hi mom, you're lucky that you are coming when you are, and not when you planned to come when Jenny's (my wife's) brother-in-law left. Jenny got sick a day or so after giving birth, and so Alex was no help because all he did was sit on the computer and chat with his buddies. I exhausted all the remaining available days off from work to take care of Jenny and the house. Then Danny (our son) caught Jenny's cold -- he was sick for over a week now, where his nose was FULL of snot dripping everywhere. I took very good care of him, even sleeping one night on the floor of his room where I was holding his wet slimy hands all night even though he was sick. Around two days afterwards, it appears that I caught what Danny had, and even though I have been literally knocked off of my feet from this flu-like cold, I have been showing up to work each day because I have no sick days left, and I've been trying to rest as much as I could in the evenings, sometimes going to sleep an hour or so after coming home from work. Even with all this and alternating between taking Theraflu and Robitussin, I have not been able to get one night of restful sleep because my being ill is interfering with me being able to get a restful night of sleep (I've been waking up totally achy and unrested as if I was up the whole night).

Jenny has not been doing well either. She has been unable to sleep because between Danny waking her up crying in the middle of the night and Julia (our daughter) also being awake and crying for most of the night, Jenny has been unable to function far beyond the basics (e.g. feeding the babies and maybe doing one or two small things each day). To that end, my getting sick has been an "inconvenience" for her, and she has started complaining to me about how tough she has things, and I believe her, but only to a degree. On top of that, I feel that she has been hindering my attempts to get better by objecting when I try to do anything that does not involve taking care of Danny (e.g. I've been talking and trying literally for days to get over to a steam room at the gym and to sweat out this cold, and each time I try to go, she finds a reason to object), and I have been unable to get to work on time because I'm taking care of things in the mornings to let Jenny sleep. That being said, I don't thing she understands or appreciates what I am doing for her, as I have taken over most of her responsibilities since the birth, and that is causing much tension between us because I am beginning to resent her. On top of that, I have been becoming increasingly thin on my tolerance for the buildup of the mess that has been growing in our home these past two weeks, and that led to an eruption between us this morning when I asked her to pick up after herself when she said the mess was not hers, my request escalated into an argument where I called her a slob and she denied that she had any responsibility for anything and out of spite, refused to take any steps to make it better.

So in short, you should know that you are coming into a very tough situation where all of us are exhausted and have been ill for the past week or so and Alex did nothing to help and only made things worse. On top of that, things appear to be getting more tense by the day (obviously I will be diffusing this as soon as I can) and so I wanted you to know that we are really looking forward to you coming in and helping out. Alex made the mistake thinking that helping out would mean playing with, holding, and cooing the baby all week, and he thought his week would be filled with fluffy cuteness and warmth. The days and nights of crying and needy children was not something he could handle and so he isolated himself in his room or on the couch and offered little help with housework, chores, or anything that needed to be done.

I'm hoping that you have realistic expectations and that you understand what you're walking into. My goal aside from resting as much as I can over Shabbos and hopefully finally KILLING this flu-like cold that has been plaguing me all week is to at least get things under control and in order in the house so that when you arrive, you'll arrive to a pleasant atmosphere. I'll be expending extra energy doing cleaning, housework, and chores over the next few days that will hopefully put things back in order. That being said, I wanted you to know what you were walking into.

Please e-mail me (if you can) a copy of your itinerary so that I can know the flight number and be sure about which airline you are taking. I also want to confirm which airport you are flying into, and get an exact time you are scheduled to arrive.

Lastly, I'm not so sure that having Liz and/or other guests over is a good idea. The earliest I could possibly see guests coming over is later in the week, but we'll all need to judge that by how things are going the first few days you are here.

Caught the flu that has been circulating among my family members.

I am fortunate to have an understanding wife who understands my feelings and who is so flexible when it comes to relationship building. As you know, yesterday was the one-sided fight where I accused my wife of conspiring against me by waking me up and not letting me know it was still early in the evening (11pm) while I started my morning routines as if it were 6am.

Obviously I realized that she did not know what was going on and why I was angry, and in the morning over instant messenger (this is such a helpful tool for Shalom Bayis) I explained my feelings and apologized for overreacting.

I also told her that just as everybody was sick last week and I took care of everybody's needs, now I was catching that flu that has been going around our home (I would venture to say it is a sick-house because we have ALL the windows covered in plastic and thus there is almost zero ventilation. Thus, it was only a matter of time that the cold would get to me as well. Well it did. Headache, aches and pains all over my body, drowsiness, and an involuntary cough which is just tempting me to cough up the phlegm that has been building up in my lungs. I have been trying to fight this for a few days now before I actually got sick, but as much as I tried using homeopathic remedies and precautionary remedies like Zinc and herbs, it was no use; I was doomed to get this cold.

So I explained to my wife my situation and I told her EXACTLY what I will need. I let her know I will be unable to function at full capacity as I have been and even though I will try my hardest to keep things orderly, I cannot promise I will be on my feet. She understood. I also asked her to be more sensitive and nice to me when she asks me to do things that are counterproductive to being able to function at work and hold up my end of the responsibilities I've taken on since the birth of our second child. I told her that I would go to the ends of the Earth to give her what she needs and to take care of her, but all I ask in return is a bit of sympathy and empathy for my hard work, just as I frequently acknowledge and sympathize with her overnights with our newborn. I asked that she simply acknowledge that she knows what I am doing for her is difficult, and that is all I need to keep going. She understood and agreed.

I came home last night (the one still going on now) after work, and hung out with her for a bit. I put our son to sleep (a very trying experience because he simply does not enjoy going to bed), and then sat on the couch and spoke to my wife. Shortly afterwords, I headed off to bed only to have woken up and hour ago (3am) with excruciating pains in my shoulders and an ill feeling. So I woke up, covered my shoulders in Ben-Gay muscle cream, took the laundry out of the dryer, set the downloading of my nightly news podcasts in motion, took some Theraflu tea (medicine) and wrote this blog entry. This was the plan before getting up. Thank G-d I was able to complete it. Now I'm going back to sleep for another 3 hours to wake up for minyan.

It is 3am, I still couldn't sleep, and I am so enraged by the mess in our room over the past few days that I couldn't sleep in my bed, so I moved my pillow and my cover to the couch. At least that is an environment that I can control. I'm also thinking of taking some Nux Vomica (a homeopathic remedy) because I am seriously showing personality traits of that kind.

Angry at wife with newborn for waking me up an hour after I fell asleep for the night when her brother has been staying with us to help out.

I am just about SO ANGRY that I would spit fire (if I could). All of us agreed that after today's long day, that it would be a good idea for all of us to get an early night's rest so that I can be fresh awake for work in the morning, and so we all can get some needed rest.

I've been going overtime since our second child was born, I have been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times taking care of our first child while my wife tends to our newborn. I've also taken on most of my wife's daily load of responsibilities which means that I've been pretty busy. On top of my usual workload of my three-hour total daily commute, and the classes I've been taking online to get an electrical engineering degree, my schedule has been quite full.

Normally, my wife wakes me around 5am when my son starts crying and wants to come out of his crib. No problem. I usually take him into our bed and he naps for a bit and then we both wake in time for me to go to minyan. Not tonight.

My wife woke me up, and I answered lovingly "yes dear, how can I help?" Her brother (in first year of med school) came to get him, and she said "No, Zoe can do it. You've already gotten him twice tonight." She asked me if I could get our son, and I said sure with a smile. I took him out and he started to cry. When I brought him into the bedroom, she giggled and asked why I brought him into the bedroom at 11pm.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?" I thought. She woke me up at 11pm to get the baby when I just went to sleep an hour earlier?!? I couldn't help but feel betrayed, tricked, and that she had plotted against me in a cruel way to wake me out of my deep sleep just for her to get her kicks.

Now it is three hours later, and I haven't gotten ONE BLINK of sleep, as I am filled with anger from this event. She apologized, but as far as I'm concerned, this is a wrong that is a serious withdrawal from my trust account with her. I cannot believe she would do a thing like this to me, especially after all of the extra work I've put in to take care of her after her having the baby! This seems sinister, evil, distorted, disgusting, and wrong. I feel cheated out of my sleep, and I feel as if her passive-aggressive, sly trick on me should elicit nothing but disdain from me towards her. On top of that, my brother-in-law who has been staying with us to "help out" was sitting on the couch playing emulated video games, so it was no sweat for him to get our son rather than waking me up for it. I feel SO deceived and taken advantage of that three hours have passed and I have not been able to get back to sleep and I have a long day of work tomorrow. I think this was disgusting of her.

I hate thinking that the truth is that she honestly didn't realize that waking me up would be a problem, and that she was probably tied up nursing the newborn and so she asked for my help. She had no idea that I would think that it was 11pm, and so it took her by surprise that I took our son out of the crib as if it were 5am. Then again, she was surprised when I turned into an angry flare in front of her eyes, just as she was complimenting me how helpful I've been to her.

I can't help but to notice how much my anger has been being felt since our little girl was born just one week ago. I have been having so much anger inside of me that I feel as if I am emitting fumes and heat, and that I am burning up my insides making me ill and weak. I can't focus, and I can't calm down. I also started exercising last week around the same time and this burst in anger coincides with the burst in energy I've received by the exercise. I know they are combined, especially with the amazing amount of pressure and stress that I am under trying to keep our family and its health both physically, emotionally, and spiritually in good condition.

I'm also quite distraught by the sincere mess and lack of organization that has infiltrated our home since the baby was born, and I cannot help but to blame my brother-in-law and my wife for allowing such a mess to come into being. I know my wife should have slack for stuff these first few weeks after the birth, but still, my brother-in-law came here on the premise that he would be here to help. Honestly, he has caused more of a mess than he has helped out, and I cannot confront him because he is my wife's brother and doing so will only further distance us in an already troubled relationship.

Avakesh's video post on Shidduchim.

I must give credit to Avakesh for this video... I smiled when I watched it (although it *does* cut off towards the end which isn't that big of a deal) because I went through the same thing. Somehow, G-d took me out from the college-secular life, and put me head-first into a yeshiva. From there, I started anew, and now I have what many would consider to be a chassidishe family. I would tend to agree, but as you know, my standards are quite high, and so I know that certain things detract from my holiness, namely movies, etc. but I have no intention of changing that at this time. Maybe when I am wiser and when I understand what I am doing to myself (in a "daas" kind of way), I'll kick the habit.

the mitzvah of peru u'rvu more than once?

Time goes by pretty fast when you're *not* blogging every day. I used to spend so much time blogging while in law school that my days and nights all seemed like an adventure. No more. Now I'm Mr. Family Guy, and I love it. (Not the big-headed bald guy on cable).

Something crude happened a few days back which I thought you yiddishe folk would enjoy. I was playing airplane with my son while I was on my back, and he accidentally jumped and landed in the wrong place on my body. I screamed out, "OUCH! MY MENTCHMACHER!" After a moment's reflection and my imagination of my wife giggling, I decided it would be more P.C. to call it my KINDERMACHER!

Anyway, all I can say about life, Israel, the depression (oops, recession), and everything that is going on in life is that I'm holding on as best as I can. My wife had our second child recently, and I'm very very excited to be the father now of both a boy and a girl -- Hashem, feel free to put a check mark next to the mitzvah Peru U'Rvu because I've fulfilled that one! I just asked my wife if I get to do that mitzvah more than once in my life, or is it that once a Jew has fulfilled that mitzvah, he is set for the rest of his life? My logic is... I put on tefillin (ideally) every day. Each time I do it, it's a separate mitzvah. Why can't I do the mitzvah of peru u'rvu more than once? After all, I don't have any intention of stopping here regarding children. We're both young. The goal is to keep going.

Anyway, about everything else, nothing seems certain and the fact that everything seems okay during times like this only serves to scare the wits out of me because false senses of comfort are the most dangerous times one can be in. The world seems to be crumbling around me with regard to the economy, where even my job seems to be shaky on the good days. I'll be honest. I love what I'm doing (or what I *was* doing,) but I don't see that I'm being as revenue-producing regarding my hours as I was a few months ago. There just doesn't seem to be as much work to do anymore. I have tried to take a proactive position regarding looking for projects to do, but those around me have criticized me for rocking the boat and seem to think I'm making problems for myself by asking for work and that I should just look busy and focus on whatever scraps I have to work on until better things come my way. The problem I have with this is that I feel as if those around me are not necessarily out for my best interests, and by me doing nothing, I am making their case for my termination. That's the pessimistic point of view. On a positive note, I *am* still happy that I am employed, and I am working as hard as I can to keep being employed.

As for everything else, it's all in a holding pattern until G-d decides to kick our butts and test us to see what we're made of. Hashem, please do *NOT* (I repeat NOT) test us. I'm not so holy that I can withstand your tests, and I ask that should I be on the wrong path, please gently correct my way by opening up the doors of opportunity before slamming those I am currently walking through.

I remain,
Your Loyal Servant

This comment is to my friend EG who made a comment on this post.

EG, obviously you're still my best friend. If your observance is where you want it to be (which I believe it likely is), then you shouldn't be sensitive or offended when someone makes a comment to remember that it is Shabbos where you are (noting that it was likely not allowed re: halacha to return your e-mail because it was Shabbos where you were, just as it is not allowed to make a phone call to a location where it is still Shabbos -- I was reminding you to mind your surroundings.) Think about it for a moment, and you'll notice that I put myself and my spiritual well-being at risk (something I will have to answer to on the day that I die and am judged by Hashem) and I consciously broke halacha by e-mailing you back to tell you that. I'd say that's an act of friendship.

Words of Wisdom for Law School Exams...

I wanted to share with you the words of wisdom I gave to my cousin (now in law school) who is taking his first law school exam today. Hopefully it might be of use to some of you who are about to go through the same thing.

(8:07:17 AM) Jumbugs: any last words of wisdom?
(8:07:25 AM) Jumbugs: other than prayer
(8:13:37 AM) Zoe: I'm assuming you're talking about your exams. I just resorted to prayer, fervently reviewing my outlines and knowing the elements of each rule, and keeping very calm. DON'T TALK TO ANYONE BECAUSE THEY WILL FREAK YOU OUT AND POSSIBLY GIVE YOU *WRONG* INFORMATION.
(8:14:06 AM) Jumbugs: i'm in a room by myself and staying here till 2 hours before the test to get some food
(8:14:17 AM) Jumbugs: i'm about to do practice essays for 5 hours
(8:14:31 AM) Zoe: cool... your outlines are good ?'
(8:14:39 AM) Jumbugs: yeah they're memorized
(8:14:46 AM) Jumbugs: well at least the one for today is
(8:14:54 AM) Jumbugs: i may have forgotten all the others by now lol
(8:15:52 AM) Zoe: cool. remember the point of the essay (like your memo) is to remember the elements of the rules, and to APPLY THEM to the fact pattern to come to an answer. Your answer is not that important, but your tying of the elements of the various rules from the cases you learned to the hypo fact pattern you are given.
(8:18:29 AM) Zoe: the profs want to know that you understand how to USE the rule rather than just repeating the law.
(8:18:57 AM) Zoe: ok, so good luck. remember again, try not to talk to anyone... not about showing off what you know, and not about listening to their "secret knowledge" or predictions about what will be on the exam. Remember, your peers will unconsciously try to spook you into losing your cool and flunking the exam so that their scores will go up because of the curve. I always found that the best way to enter an exam regarding peers is to pretend that you know nothing to them so that they won't try to one-up you in knowledge, and don't discuss anything you know with them. Stay aloof and distant. Take the exam, and relax.
(8:19:37 AM) Zoe: Remember, on the exam the professors often will try to throw a curve ball at the beginning just to spook you. Don't worry about it. If you don't understand something, move on to the next question and come back to it later.
(8:20:28 AM) Jumbugs: ok thanks Zoe
(8:20:38 AM) Zoe: Oh, and keep CAREFUL WATCH of the time. Students often run out of time because they don't pay attention to it. Also, PLAN YOUR ANSWER (on the scrap paper you'll be given) before writing. I often found that people jump to start writing without planning their answer first and that often gets them into DEEP trouble.
(8:21:00 AM) Zoe: Good luck, kick butt. See you after your exams.
(8:21:20 AM) Jumbugs: thanks!
(8:21:24 AM) Jumbugs: ttyl and send my love to the fam
(8:21:32 AM) Zoe: I certainly will. :)
(8:21:36 AM) Zoe: bye guy
(8:21:46 AM) Jumbugs: lol bye

Ignorant Comment about Chabad Lubavich EVEN IN VIEW of current events in Mumbai.

I was horrified this morning that in view of the horrible things that have happened to our friends in Mumbai, one of our own (a Jew) had the gall to do a search for the words "Chabad" and "cult" and post a comment on MY web site saying that Chabad was a cult because Jewish people (not necessarily even Lubavichers) moved in next to him and didn't befriend this Jew. I have pasted my response to his comment below.

It appears to me that you have found this web site by searching the terms Chabad and cult which is the first issue or that you are one of my personal friends who have had personal encounters with me and my peers. This is an old post, but it is still as true as the day I wrote it when I was in China in 2005.

I feel that your comment is uninformed because the whole purpose of Chabad is to teach people like yourself about who you are and to inform you of your obligation to practice the commandments that have been given to you. You might be a banker, a soldier, or a McDonalds burger-flipper, but you're still a Jew. Pardon your neighbors not coming over to your house to eat or for not joining you in your secular activities of which they have no interest or part -- the life of an orthodox Jew is a busy life with lots of responsibilities which you as a non-observant Jew either do not know about or have no interest in practicing.

I was studying with a close friend of mine who lived in Borough Park for many years -- a Jewish guy with a good heart, but limited observance. He means well, but I fear that his view of himself and his observance level is quite larger than is his actual practice. I learned Gemara with him shortly before he left to Iraq (at his request), and then before leaving, after me offering to provide his troops with Siddurim and reminding him to remember the Shabbat when he was abroad, he accused me of being a Lubavich missionary when I've been his been his best friend for over 10 years.

It is people like you who baffle me by allowing your egos to overcome your sense of sensibility and honesty about your level of observance of G-d's commandments. You think you are holier and mightier than the highest Rebbe, and you belittle religious people who actually know their place in the world and know how limited they are in their greatness in contrast to your own self-righteousness which convinces you that you are just as "religious" as they are. If only you knew how disastrous it is for you to pick up a phone or turn on a light on the Sabbath, you would never do so, but you do so unknowing the implications. That is where a fellow Jew comes in -- to remind you of who you are and to bring you closer to the truth which is Torah, mitzvos, and doing G-d's will.

As for your cult comment, forgive me for sneering at your ignorance. I am familiar with what certain Jewish organizations do, and I too believe some of their methods are creepy, but not Chabad. I've spent my entire life around them and now am part of them and I believe as one of them that their only interests are your best interests. Chos v'sholom you call a group of individuals who don't befriend your heiness (I spelled it that way on purpose) a cult.

Bottom line, the Chabad Lubavich movement is an outreach program where emissaries (shluchim) are sent to far parts of the world (and to local places like your local neighborhood) for the SOLE purpose of spreading Judaism to their own. The goal is to have fellow Jews recognize their role and identity in the world -- that there is a G-d, he created the world, he freed us from bondage in Egypt, and he gave us the Torah. As such, we have an obligation to be faithful to Him, and to do his commandments as he has asked of us.

I am saddened when people such as Anonymous post self-hating mumbo jumbo about certain groups (Chabad and otherwise) as being a cult. There is nothing asked of a Jew except to be a Jew and to perform G-d's commandments. There are no questionable tactics, but what I do see happen too often is that the ego of the other Jews are threatened when asked to put on Tefillin or to say a blessing (beracha), and are "turned off" to Judaism because some Chabad Rabbi asked them to do a mitzvah. Please spare me the idiocy. If you are offended because some Rabbi asks you to do a mitzvah, it is obviously because you are not doing it, or that you give off the message that you are not doing it. The rabbi has no benefit to asking you to do mitzvos except that you and him are bound together with all other Jews in one spiritual body known as Israel and every action of one Jew, religious or not, affects the body and soul of ALL OTHER JEWS around the planet. For this reason, there is no curiosity that shluchim will be sent around the world, even into dangerous places such as Mumbai to spread Judaism to visiting Jews because we are all of one body. On top of that, on a more secular level, obviously there is the motivation that you as a Jew will become more observant because you personally have a benefit of doing G-d's commandments, and obviously there is the not-so-exciting prospect that you'll give donations to further this shaliach's ability to affect other Jews to further his mission that he has been sent out to complete. There is nothing wrong with this.

Thus, your comment is unfounded and is wrong. Please do some inner searching before blaming some Rabbi for you not going to synagogue or for your lack of Jewish observance. You probably even owe this Rabbi an apology.

US involvement in Iraq / Afghanistan from a Torah perspective?

To my female friend in the Israeli army from whom's e-mail I "lifted" the contents of this blog entry as fodder for conversation, I was curious what others would say about the US' involvement in foreign affairs particularly from a Torah perspective, and so I've pasted a snippet of the e-mail below. Please forgive me for my intrusion; I've done my best to edit out any identifying information that can be traced back to you.

Wow, I'm reading what you're writing about your group helping out in Afghanistan and it seems like the excitement level must be through the roof! As an answer to your question, it is widely believed in the US that the Afghanistan culture needs US intervention if the US is ever going to benefit from them and overthrow those who perpetuate terror from being in power. There are a lot of things we need to do that just don't make sense at first, but the thing that first comes to mind is the US' involvement in Afghanistan back in the 1980's through the efforts of Congressman Wilson of TX, and how the US did so much to help the Afghanistans arm themselves to defend themselves against the Soviet invasions, only to cause the emergence of the Taliban and the Muslim extremists who are plaguing the US with fear and terror today. While the benefit of arming the Afghanistans back in the '80s was that we were able to get them to fight our war for us, the end of the story is that we caused the problems we face today by not taking the final needed step of funding schools for the children of Afghanistan who were indoctrinated with hate and disgust for Americans and for western culture in general. By the time that became a necessity, Congress was so fed up with all the money we spent overseas that they just wanted to shut down operations abroad which is exactly what they did.

In short, my understanding is that it is the US' decision to get involved proactively in foreign countries to urge them to adopt western ways of life. We're not doing it because we want them to be like us, but as far as I understand, we're doing all this for peace and so that they won't attack us and cause a world war. My Rav said to me when we first met in a conversation never to underestimate the mind of the Arabs. He said they are far smarter than us, and their indoctrination to an extremist belief system is something to be feared to the utmost degree. He said this back in 2001 before the 9/11 attacks, and being fully aware of the terrorist attacks they have been doing for years within the state of Israel, he told me that it was only a matter of time before they attack Israel's allies, namely us. Thus, your inquiring of me about US efforts that don't necessarily make sense likely have a higher calling where the US is doing things on multiple levels to stop terrorism 1) by fighting it outright, but by 2) building THEIR infrastructure up so that they can learn to be educated and to promote peace in the world. ...it's a different discussion whether or not I think this will work, and Torah has its own opinion of what approach to take with issues such as this one although I never took the time to learn the detailed halachas of war and how to approach and/or to confront enemies of various kinds. Off the top of my head, Rambam has a whole book about it in his Sefer HaYad, Hilchot Milchamot.

Zoe Strickman, the jerk husband. Learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them.

Okay, now for the good juicy stuff. Yes, I am a jerk, and highly imperfect and all of that. I don't mean to be bad, but I just am.

In short, with the time change, as I've done in previous years, I continued to wake up at the same time without changing MY clock. That way, I wake up at 5:45am instead of at 4:45am; I get to minyan at 7:30am instead of at 6:30am; I get to work at 10am instead of at 9am. Why? All because I didn't change my clocks when everyone else did.

However, this year, I was trying to enroll and to convince my wife to do the same thing. When she objected about the baby waking up at 5am, I told her I would watch him. I didn't realize that meant that I'll be babysitting from 5am until 7:30am as is what happened this morning while my wife slept. Hence, I felt my wife tricked me into this and so we had a fight upon me getting to work. Pasted below is the resolution IM, but in truth, it just shows what an jerk I can be for trying to maintain the status quo.

(12:23:33 PM) You feel a disturbance in the force...
(12:23:33 PM) Wife: see me now
(12:23:37 PM) Zoe Strickman: yup, hi. :)
(12:23:41 PM) Wife: hi
(12:23:45 PM) Zoe Strickman: Did you vote?
(12:23:47 PM) Wife: i am getting ready to go vote
(12:23:53 PM) Zoe Strickman: cool.
(12:23:54 PM) Wife: not yet
(12:24:05 PM) Zoe Strickman: Listen, I was thinking about it and I owe you a big apology.
(12:24:17 PM) Wife: WOW

(12:24:21 PM) Wife: im listening
(12:24:25 PM) Wife: and flowers
(12:24:38 PM) Zoe Strickman: I thought yesterday was SO nice and today took me by surprise.
(12:24:44 PM) Zoe Strickman: Yes, I owe you flowers.
(12:24:51 PM) Zoe Strickman: And then some.
(12:25:01 PM) Zoe Strickman: Here's the apology:
(12:25:04 PM) Wife: k
(12:27:39 PM) Zoe Strickman: You've been so wonderful to me and to our son lately and I know you've been working soooooooooooo hard and I've been less than cooperative with you. There was no reason to get upset at you and link all past hurts to this one misunderstanding we had this morning -- and I did say what you thought I said, but I misunderstood the details of that statemtent that I would take care of our son in the mornings so that we can stay on the old clock system, and I didn't realize that it would mean that you would be sleeping in in the mornings because that doesn't work for me. [more]
(12:31:24 PM) Zoe Strickman: ...and I felt taken advantage of because of the misunderstanding. Really, I should have been more helpful and understanding rather than throwing a pissy attitude. I am sorry for my reaction and for saying and thinking the things that I thought and the things that I said. We will need to re-discuss the benefits of staying on the old clock because our understandings of the conversation were different. Please forgive me for my attitude this morning, and my accusations over the IM as well.
(12:33:12 PM) Zoe Strickman: I love you very much and I don't always get a chance to show you that I appreciate what you're doing, and although I disagree often with the way you approach and execute certain goals, I give you space to see whether that approach will work or not. I guess I was feeling hurt that I thought you broke our deal, that you took advantage of me, and that you were doing things on your own that I should have been a part of (an older issue where I felt that you didn't respect my opinions).
(12:33:33 PM) Zoe Strickman: [more]
(12:34:52 PM) Zoe Strickman: Instead, I should have identified that we had a misunderstanding this morning, and that I should have calmly discussed it with you rather than getting upset. I shouldn't have even gotten upset -- this whole issue could have been resolved with a cheerful supportive attitude and a smile.
(12:37:40 PM) Zoe Strickman: Additionally, I could have / should have taken a more active role in your attempts to get our son sleeping in his own bed, but under the surface, I was and still am slightly hurt by your approach so I've let you figure it out on your own without participating. My idea of being helpful was the almost 8-10 times (I'm not kidding) I went to get him last night. It was literally every few minutes to every half an hour and I thought I was being very helpful by jumping to get him last night while I let you sleep. Then when you didn't immediately wake up this morning, I was hurt and felt unappreciated.
(12:40:40 PM) Zoe Strickman: So the problem about the sleep issue was not whether I was helpful last night, but it was whether I was taking a more helpful, supportive, and active role more generally with the issue -- and the answer was that I was totally insupportive (meaning not unsupportive, but not caring about the outcome to help or not help) when I really should have taken a more sensitive and active role. I'm sure there are probably many more areas which haven't even crossed my mind where this also applies and I am just the selfish husband who only cares about his own routine.
(12:41:00 PM) Zoe Strickman: So for *ALL THIS* and then some, will you please forgive me?
(12:41:45 PM) Zoe Strickman: PS - When you vote, make sure to get an "I Voted" sticker so that you can get free coffee today at Starbucks on the way home.
(12:42:27 PM) Wife: yes, I forgive you. And thank you for being sensitive enough to see where you were being unreasonable.
(12:43:06 PM) Wife: and when you get home we can talk about the fact that you felt i didnt involve you in changing his sleeping habits
(12:43:35 PM) Wife: and how we can change that cause he still doesnt have good sleeping habits
(12:44:08 PM) Wife: and i cant have starbucks today cause i had my coffee and you sent me this post about not over doing caffiene
(12:47:07 PM) Zoe Strickman: [I thought you were still typing.]
(12:47:19 PM) Wife: oh no that was it
(12:47:34 PM) Zoe Strickman: ok, good so we'll talk when I get home tonight.
(12:47:47 PM) Wife: ok.
(12:47:59 PM) Wife: i feel much happier now thank you
(12:48:07 PM) Wife: i was in a rotten mood this whole time
(12:50:00 PM) Wife: also dont forget to fax the letter and email the rabbi.
(12:50:29 PM) Wife: k going to vote
(12:50:44 PM) Zoe Strickman: ok phone
(12:53:34 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'm so so sorry you were in a rotten mood. Totally my fault.
(12:54:18 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'm glad this conversation put you at ease. It must be terrible not feeling appreciated, especially after all the incessant work you do.
(12:54:52 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'll fax the letter and write Rabbi Teitelbaum right now. I mailed the other letter this morning.
(12:55:04 PM) Wife: great thanks
(12:55:09 PM) Zoe Strickman: Good luck voting! I'm sure it will be a great experience.
(12:55:17 PM) Zoe Strickman: I'll see you tonight.
(12:55:26 PM) Wife: i decided to walk there
(12:55:37 PM) Wife: it is at the public school on jones and main st
(12:56:28 PM) Zoe Strickman: cool! Enjoy the walk. I've been saddened by the shortened daylight hours.
(12:57:13 PM) Zoe Strickman: Apparently I'll have to readjust to being a creature of the night.
(12:57:16 PM) Zoe Strickman: See you soon!

So there you have it. Zoe Strickman, the jerk husband. Learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them.

Yes, I am ignorant, etc.

There has been so much talk about how much I am ignorant, and how unpolitical and incorrect my Jewish-centered point of view is on issues of politics, race, religious, and relationships with those around me.

The truth is that every "free thinker" is brainwashed to some point of view, ideology, or creed. The difference between a free thinker and a ignorant pundit is that a free thinker chooses who or what will form their thoughts and opinions, and ignorant individuals just go with whatever is programmed into their head.

When it comes to religion, there is halacha and then there is minhag (custom)... then there is what everyone around them does, thinks, or believes. For the most part, those who have read my blog for many years know that I have questioned all things, including minhagim and the things that many people do which make no sense at all, including uniform style of dress, elevated kashrut standards (e.g. "I only hold by X, but not Y although nobody will disagree that Y is kosher and/or halachically permissible," etc.) To many of these issues, I have fought against the ignorant base of "we do it this way" without reason. However, on other issues such as certain standards, if one wants to be part of the "in" crowd, e.g. be considered Lubavich, or be considered a certain level of frumkeit versus being thrown into the "modern" crowd, then certain things need to be followed.

In my circles, if people know that I have questioned the possibility of eating Triangle-K hechured food as kosher AT the level of kashrus we hold by (and Ahuva, thank you for your clarification about the oil issue as being an ongoing question -- I will check that out and learn what they do or don't do), they wouldn't eat at our homes. Further, they wouldn't let their kids come over and play with our kids (when we have them), and down the line, our reputation as being a certain level of observance of Jewish law might come into question. For these reasons, there are certain things that I just have to go along with, even though I know what is the mainstream belief might not necessarily be true.

For other topics, e.g. politics, beliefs and world views, obviously I have shaped my mind from a Torah perspective, and so I have (and will continue to work on this for the rest of my life) trained my eyes to see things from a Torah perspective, namely the perspective of a Jew, and often this will SEVERELY clash with the world views of what is politically correct or with what is accepted within our liberal "free thinking" American society. Topics such as whether goyim have free will, etc. are topics which will upset most individuals, especially ignorant ones who don't take the time to understand how G-d creates and controls EVERY DETAIL of the world's functioning and how everything happens according to G-d's plan. I won't apologize for these, and I have adopted them as truths which will make many see me as ignorant.

So be it.