Friday, July 08, 2005

One All Nighter

The comments from the last post have been the best I've ever seen. There is a concept of Chochma, Binah, Daas in Chassidus which are the first two prongs in a balanced system, and then the rectification between the two. Abraham was Chochman, Issac was Binah, and Jacob was Daas. The funny thing is that the order of the responses to my last post followed this order. First was Rowan giving me the kind, warm-hearted solution, then came an anonymous reader who gave me opposite hard-nosed Torah reasoning why I shouldn't deviate from the strict route. Then came my answer where I was trying to mitigate between the two forces, and then came Johney Come Lately back on the kind side with his Chessed-like logic that if G-d created the world, then obviously he can find me a wife. For those of you who are lost, don't worry -- this is just Kabbalah. It is not even a real application of it; I just noticed a pattern in the responses to the last entry.

It also surprised me how fast everyone jumped onto blog and started posting as soon as I said that I was tired of being religious. I don't want to go down this path of doubt, but I'll tempt it for a few minutes since I have not yet slept for the night because I was working on a Chinese patent claim project that is due today at 9am. I finished it around ten minutes ago and submitted it. Obviously, this means that I haven't slept yet tonight.

It hasn't felt good these past few weeks being so doubtful of G-d. In fact, it has crushed me and has placed a feeling of heartache in me that I never imagined. I thought about breaking away and frying out (throwing off the yolks of religious observance), but the truth is that I don't think I would be doing the things I am lamenting over if I actually had the opportunity to do them. Opera? Fat chance; I need to finish law school and pass the bar. Girlfriend? Fat chance; I want to get married, not have some girlie. Dancing? I seldom went out anyway. Broadway? I've gone maybe five times in my life! Clothing? Permitted. So what am I complaining about? What is so terrible about being religious? I don't think anything. It's just a question of laziness because it is not easy to make time to keep up with all the obligations. Tefillin, davening, Torah study -- Chumash, Tehillim, Tanya, Rambam, Halacha, Gemara, Chassidus. Okay, then my day gets full. This is my ideal day, but it almost never happens. Something interferes; you know, life?

Anyway, in all likelihood, I wouldn't be surprised if after all of my moaning that there was a good shidduch waiting for me when I got back to Colorado that my rabbi set up. I also wouldn't be surprised if I shaped up and fixed my laxidaisical habits and stopped my babying and my stupidities regarding my selfish desires to indulge in various kinds of pleasures and excitements. It also wouldn't spook me if I figured it all out, got my act together and resumed my learning, thereby getting my priorities back on order. Anyway, for now I am an emotional mess and I am falling asleep because this was one all-nighter I was not interested in pulling.


sweetces said...

hi zoe:
thanks for the comment.
i wonder what you mean when you call yourself an emotional mess.
anyway, here's praying you'll meet a good woman soon to love you as you deserve.
courage, my friend.

Rowan said...

you too huh? No sleep? I went to bed last night at 6am. Watched movies all night long.

I kind of liked your idea of a dating service that observes Jewish laws. I think that would be perfect for you!

Malka said...

Nothing worth having comes easily. Being religious is hard but, take it from someone who is working towards renewing her relationship with G-d, this is one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I have ever undertaken in my life but, most of the time, there is no doubt in my mind that I am on the right path. Don't give up!