Friday, April 22, 2005

Day Six - Bedikas Chometz

Day Six. Get me the hell out of this room! I am starting to feel a lot of stress because I haven't opened up a book for school in over a week. Assignments have passed me by and days are flying. I missed so many classes last week! Last night I didn't want to go to bed before doing bedika (searching for chametz [bread]). It seems that at one point during the night I just dropped everything and did it because I felt that if I didn't do it right then and there, more hours would have passed and I would have missed the time for doing the bedika.

The amusing thing is that all night, I was so tired that I could have passed out standing.

I still don't understand HOW it takes me hours to get out of my house. You would think someone can just get up and go, but I have found this next to impossible. I must prepare extensively for whatever I do. If it is Friday, before I leave I need to have my clothes prepared for the weekend, I need my books packed so I can learn, I must shower, I must look presentable, and I must eat. I look around the room and see if there is anything I could possibly need and if so, in the bag it goes. Plus, I have wanted with all my heart to go to the gym and get some exercise, and if not the gym, I have wanted to do some yoga. But I don't like the feeling of the furry carpet against my chest because I feel that it is dirty -- plus, it sheds and anything I am wearing ends up being the color of the carpet.

To add to that, I have this pain on the top of my skull. It could be a headache, but it is so high up, four inches above my forehead. My eyelids hurt from my habitual squinting, and I am sweaty and hot, even with the windows open. Additionally, my eyes are seeing the vapor trails of everything that I look at. If you want to see exactly what I see with my eyes open, close your eyes and look at the patterns you see. This is what I see with my eyes open. I once thought I was seeing auras, but now I don't know what I am looking at. I wish I could figure out how I can use this distortion. To play on words, this is my mind's eye. It sees whatever I think of. This is why I am still jumpy in the dark. When it is dark outside, I sometimes mistake the shadow vapor trails I see as being real, and then I jump thinking that someone is next to me or behind me. This is because I am also very sensitized to high frequency sounds and the slightest sound catches my attention.

The funny part is that as soon as I go outside, all this depression seems to subside. I suddenly become Mr. Productive, doing hundreds of tasks and chores, and I get my energy back and in a short period of time, I make up for all the time I lost while I was in a daze. I go from being Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll, and nobody catches on. I am organized like a calculator and nobody knows of the emotional mess that laughs at me and waits to capture me as soon as I get home again.

So as strange as everything I just said sounds, let's summarize. I am feeling calm and content, but depressed because I cannot get myself to move and do the things I absolutely need to do. It's like someone presses the pause button or the slow motion button and life continues at its regular speed. I have bursts of productivity. I am exhausted. I don't eat properly. I don't sleep properly. I need to force myself every morning to take my vitamins, to pray, and to do everything I need to do if I can overcome my inability to move. My laziness seems to be insurmountable, but my energy, as low as it usually is when I am in these moods is not absent - I can conjure up the energy and move if I wanted to. I just have no desire. I have a headache that comes and goes. I am highly sensitive to sounds from electronic and magnetic devices. I hear the sound of the electricity powering something as simple as a clock. Not only do I hear it, I can sense its movement and the source of the high frequency.

Lastly in summary, I see the shadows and patterns with my eyes open that one would normally see with their eyes closed. I am very smart when my brain is switched on, and I am very talented in many areas. Yet I suffer from this deep separation from reality as if I am a passenger in a car as opposed to being the car itself driving down Life Road. When I was younger, I went to a psychic once who commented that he never saw someone like me who hovers outside of his body for most of the day and who doesn't like being inside the body. That is funny to me because I can shift my reference of who I am to or near any object and can metaphorically step into that object and feel what it feels as if I become it. Whatever. Who wants to be a cell phone or a tie on my desk anyway. Maybe this is why I love movies so much.

Anyway, bedika (the search for chametz) went well. I did it like a Chossid. However, this morning when I went to burn my chametz, the plastic pan I used to hold the paper bag melted, and I almost set fire to my second-floor deck. Have a happy and kosher Passover!


Daphnewood said...

Yes, you do sound depressed. However, law school could even depress a Texas cheerleader. It sounds like you need a visit from the happiness fairy. Either that or prozac but who wants to be another medicated American?

Daphnewood said...

Hirsch did you get my reply to relationships and touch? grrr! my internet went down and I think it got lost. tell me if you got it.

Zoe Strickman said...

I didn't get your post on relationships and touch. I'm really sorry about that -- the topic sounds very interesting. If you were to re-write it, I would be interested in reading it. By the way, I would love your opinion on my last post about me actually not being depressed. This is such a tricky thing because depression hides itself behind momentary happiness.

Daphnewood said...

I will think about re-writing it but I have to admit I was inspired when I wrote it first! my thoughts were all in order, I made a clear and convincing argument then the stupid gremlin came and ruined it all. Which post are you talking about NOT being depressed? I have not found any yet that I felt you were not depressed in some fashion. Sorry. I am not saying you are clinical or anything like that, just down. Writing about it I think is a good thing. Oh yes, you can also email me by the link in my profile. cheers!

Zoe Strickman said...

Daphne, it is such a mindblower when someone tells me that I am giving off the message that I am depressed, especially when I think that I am not giving off that message. I don't always feel depressed. There are days (i.e. the last two) that have been fine. Yet people that know me still ask me if I am okay and if I am depressed.

BTW, sorry about the blogger gremlin messing with your written flow of thoughts. Once in a while, he makes my blog entries disappear into thin air also -- sometimes I am not in the mood to rehash what I wrote so I let it go. One more thing -- the blog entry I was referring to was the "I have absolutely no clue where I am holding..." post.