Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Watch me pull out of this one

[Here is something I hope you never will have to go through. I am writing this down to note the time I am feeling this way. To those of you who know who I am, don't hold this against me.]

24. It’s almost 9am, and the alarm clock has been chirping away for around 20 minutes now. This was my late alarm that signals to me that I have missed all my other alarms and that the one by my bed is no longer snoozing. I have been awake for almost 1.5 hours now, but I am not quite in the mood to get going. Okay, I just shut it off because I needed to focus to write this entry. Plus, the chirping was giving me a headache.

As I was saying, I am not quite in the mood to do anything this morning. If it were up to me, while still in my pajamas, I would make a nice hot tea, find a comfortable chair near a window so that I could feel the sunlight against my face, and I would snuggle into that chair with a book for a few hours until I fell asleep.

Working hard is a concept that I am well conversant with. I work at a law firm without pay. In return, I get credits at school and a good entry on my resume with the hopes that one day it will lead to real employment. Yet I hate the light blue color of my walls, and the fact that the room is not a square, but rather, a trapezoid. It also annoys me that when I look outside my office window, I am looking at the reception area, which is still inside the building! What's the deal with that?!? Also, the cases I have been working on don't quite excite me to say the least. Okay, they are flat-out boring.

But on this path to being a well-paid lawyer, there are some decisions I must make. Firstly, I need to decide what kind of work to do. I am looking into Art Law, an interesting field that might hold my interest due to the subject matter and the thought that perhaps I can become a connoisseur and a lover of art in the process. Although I think the "it's mine!" battles would get annoying. I actually don't know what I want to do with law. So far I am defaulting to patent law because 1) I can and I am eligible for the patent bar because of my science and engineering classes, and 2) my career tests say that is where I fit the best. It's a good fit.

But let's get back to right now. My energy level is pretty much at 20 out of 100. I am awake and alert, but I am feeling a bit foggy. My mood is calm and my temperament is quietly content. I feel a slight stress in my chest because despite the advice from everyone last night to the contrary, I am blowing off my morning classes.

I know myself. I know that I will not focus, and I will get caught for not being prepared. Oh darn it. Fine. Never mind. I will go to school. Now I need to shower as fast as possible. The original plan was to skip this two-hour class and to prepare for my afternoon class and for tomorrow so that I can get through the rest of the week. Stop. I made a decision. I am skipping my two hour class in the morning so that I can prepare for the other classes. It's no longer cool to be slapstick about classes. While for the most part of the semester, I have been on the ball. Since Sunday I have entered into a funk again which has pretty much destroyed any desire to do anything. Last night I left school early because I was no longer in the mood to be there, and I headed into the city to get some stuff done for Pesach. While I calculated that trip to take three hours, it took over ten hours before I got back into the car to go home. Sleep happened at 2am.

Okay, here is the description I wanted to note for my diary. Other than the fact that I am about to pull myself out of this because there are pressing things to be done, I am pretty much not in the mood to do anything. For starters, I am experiencing a fog that is like a headache, but feels like something else. Nevertheless, it is still a headache of sorts. I don't want to get up and start my day. I don't want to shower, I don't want to pray, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to study or to go to school. I don't want to take my vitamins, and I don't want to eat; I'm just not hungry. In fact, I pretty much don't want to do anything except perhaps take a few days off to recharge. I say this with a slight smile and a humored temperament because I feel lucky that I can look at myself sometimes and laugh at my weaknesses. While sometimes I am a powerhouse of energy, today I am simply mush. However, if I don't get up now and prepare, the rest of my day will be a nightmare because then I will have the rest of the week to deal with as someone deals with a hangover.

G-d give me the strength to pull myself out of this rut and to find the support I need in you, in others, and in myself. I can pull out of this, I always have.

Okay, here is my plan. It's 10:15am now. Shower. Get dressed. Pray. Eat. Take vitamins. Read Trusts & Estates. Go to class. Pray. Drive to law firm. Be productive for 3 hours. Come home. Read Trusts & Estates. Read ConLaw. Pray. Go to sleep. -- I literally want to throw up by looking at my day. Ok. I can pull through this. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and then Thursday. Then home free - Pesach and Shabbos. What a treat! I can do it.

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