Thursday, April 21, 2005

Fifth Day and Counting

Since most of you bloggers have blogs of your own, I am sure that it is not uncommon to sometimes feel a little bit selfish when all of the conversations are about you. I know I feel it now, and I really want to forget about myself for a little while because whatever funk I am going through, I am getting exhausted trying to fix it. I’d rather hear about you and your thoughts and exciting moments, however I suppose I do when I surf your sites and read the personal stories you have to tell. Reading your stories has given me a perspective on mine, namely that I don’t live in a vacuum and there are others who are going through the same thing.

You think you have me figured out, don’t you? I wish you did. I wish that we can blame all my articles on stress and loneliness and go home feeling good that we solved the problem. But my life scenario is not new. I am entering my third year of law school; it has been many years since I have become religious and since I went to Yeshiva (rabbinical school). Yes, I am in my late twenties now. What I am saying is that it would be too simple to blame all my bubbling feelings on an impending impatience that has come over me, as if my clock’s ticking suddenly became audible to my ears.

Behind these feelings is a mechanism, a biomechanical synergism of thought commingled with emotion and spiritual energy. Whatever it is, it is sapping my physical energy. I have grown weak from my mental slowdown, and part of me liked it better when I thought I was out of control on three hours of sleep per night. Now my clock is broken and everything is ticking out of tune.

I am on my fifth counted day of deep depression and this is a first for me. I shouldn’t be this tired. I shouldn’t be this stressed. The truth is that I can barely move, and my energy level has been hovering around a 10 out of 100 for days now. I wouldn’t say the energy is not there, as I have accessed it and for hours at a time on demand. I have stepped out of my house and I have regained full energy and my mood has stabilized. But I am not hungry, I am not thirsty, I am not in the mood to do anything except perhaps sleep. Forgive me for thinking mechanically about a mental process; I am just trying to track my thoughts and feelings as a scientist would track his lab rat. Anyway, you’d think one day this would be over and the depression will lift, right? I’m sure of it. Just give it time.

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