I just wanted to take an accounting of what is going on in my thought processes so that I can properly set goals and navigate through the interesting times that are ahead.
This has certainly been a down time. I feel that the flames of life heated my surroundings and made everything around me harden and age from the fire that threatened to burn me if I wasn't careful. This fire is my surroundings. Lately, everything has been an analysis for me. Someone would have been proud. Actually, a few people from my past would have been proud. There is one person in particular that in my eyes I was very close with before I became religious. Toby Jazzboy. His name was actually Yossi. I remember the first time I saw him - he had an instant suspicion of me. He was the clown, and so was I. We were two cowboys in a saloon, and from the look he gave me, there was only room for one of us in town.
Later on as we became friends, I learned more from him than he will ever know. I learned from him honesty of character. To some it was a flaw of his that he wore his heart on his sleeve, and so any thoughts he had were immediately visible to the world. But he was a musician and an artist, and he had an appreciation that there was a G-d out there, more like in here, so much so that as I was becoming religious, he would freak on me because I would start discussing my adapted understanding of Kabalistic concepts that often freaked him out. One time I cried because it scared me that it scared him. I was simply looking for truth and to understand the world and the spiritual world, and he cut my words off as if they were tentacles of evil. Nevertheless, he was pure and he was as true a person as I have ever known with the kind of flaws one could only love.
One thing I remember about him was that although he was an aspiring musician, he took a job at a pizza store to make money so that he can contribute to the rent. I remember thinking that I would never work for minimum wage because that was beneath me, but I admired him for his willingness to do it.
As for his relationship to G-d, he had such honesty to him that it made an impression on me. He once said "I think I'm not going to be religious anymore". To anyone that sounds horrifying, but to me I understood it to be a sounding board where he was expressing his frustrations that he could not play his music on the Sabbath, and if he wasn't religious, he could have.
TobyJazzboy was one of the few people I lost as a friend when I became religious. I am sure it wasn't him that made the decision not to write back to my many e-mails, but he probably went along with what those around him asked him to do -- namely, to no longer have contact with me. But I still have memories of our friendship, even though it was formed through my knowing his suitemate. I looked upon him as a mashpia of sorts, and for a while, he was my guide. I respected him and looked up to him.
I sit here shifting my thought to the person I have become. If there is one thing that I could give myself credit for, it is for being authentic. I credit Yossi among many others for this trait. I have become a warm blooded, friendly, giving person. While the saying "she makes coffee nervous" is a favorite line of mine which I secretly attribute to myself, another aspect which I give myself credit is the inner workings of my mind. While I wouldn't argue that lately it has been in serious need of a tune-up since its engines have been misfiring causing me weird bouts of depression and moodiness, the other dimensions of it leave me awestricken. I am thankful for what G-d has given me, and I am thankful for my flaws because it is through them that I learn to practice my old favorite slogan "know thyself", and it is the source of my greatest growth. I can only anticipate my life, rubbing my palms together, excited about what my life will be like when I actually get a hold of it. It is a matter of time, discipline, and practice. If I were perfect, life would be boring.