Friday, April 29, 2005

I am doing better by doing worse.

I don’t know why, but I am feeling a bit of sadness coming on. The source is unknown. Passover has thrown everything out of order – my diet, my exercise, my sleeping patterns – everything is back to the way it was before I started having my emotional ups and downs. I actually think that I do better when I am off balance because the overtired feeling or the caffeine kick keeps me from stopping to realize what is going on. Maybe sleep deprivation is my drug, and staying slightly out of focus is my way of keeping my sanity. Sometimes being too tired to care allows me to not think about what I need to do and to just do it.

I technically am in study mode, although I would call this more of a “sitting on the beach by a park bench looking at the blue sky” mode. Of course I am getting some work done, and the four hours later on in the library today was productive too. Today I mastered the topics of incorporation of the Bill of Rights, bills of attainder, ex post facto laws, and state action. I began working on procedural due process and I believe the remainder will be a piece of cake. From the amount of work I did in school during the semester, I am finding the review quite relaxing.

Feeling sad is no fun, and for me, perhaps feeling out of control is a bit more relaxing because when I am kicked into overdrive as I am now lacking sleep from crashing at four o’clock in the morning last night and falling asleep pretty late the other nights this week, my thoughts are more numbed and I have a better sense of focus than when I am fully rested. When I sleep enough, it seems like my head is clear enough to get depressed. This can't be a good thing. I wonder whether I should go back to my three hours per night routine. At least then I functioned more like I believe I should.

This evening I snuck away from life and I saw Sin City in the movie theater. It was strange being in an empty theater. There was a character that I related to in a deep level. In fact, when I first saw him, I really thought "he looks exactly how I feel"; as unattractive as he is, he looked very much how I visually see myself. Marv was his name. What I found so appealing was his die hard determination and his willingness to throw everything to the wind for a purpose, but in a foolish way -- that was part of his appeal. I was also very in tune with his honesty about himself and towards others. Because of his medical condition, at times he doubted whether he was imagining things, and he took this part of himself lightly. It is something he lived with. We should all have this characteristic about our flaws. Oh, and his presence was very impressive; that's his picture below. The movie overall was captivating. All movies should be as deep and as smart as this one was.


Daphnewood said...

I had to escape from the world yesterday too. I am too much of a daydreamer and love watching movies. I have not gotten to do much of that lately.

I do not think sleeping 3 hours a night is the way to go. You think you function better but you are just avoiding deeper issues, that's all. Your blog interests me to the core. I see you judging yourself or rather basing your value on your legacy. You think you are suppose to be married, devout, a leader in our world, the perfect father and with no set career and marriage in the plans right now you are floundering. My question is, why do you hold yourself to such high standards? I do not care what anyone says, marriage cannot be planned if you want eros as part of it. Yes, arranged and planned marriages can work but when I see my friends who had their marriages arranged for them, they lack passion. They love their spouse deeply but more in a brotherly (philio) manner. You are too passionate for a marriage like that. God will give you a perfect mate and just trust that.

You seem to really like law school and that is good. Choosing a specialty was very hard for my husband when he was graduating from medical school. He also did not want to chase money or do something just because the world expected him to. He chose neurosurgery and although he enjoys other aspects of medicine and would have been content in those specialties, one just stood higher than the others. I think your law specialty will do the same. So just hang in there.

these responses of mine seem to have gone beyond the average blog comment. you are like an email buddy. sorry to be so 'vocal' and hope I do not offend you in any way. with much respect,

Zoe Strickman said...

Receiving comments like yours are one of the big reasons why I continue to write the blog.

As you said, this is a fragile time when my goals and my lifestyle are not in sync and I am floundering.

I have had friends who have also wondered why I live by high standards. Before I met these people I was like a machine, and it took some work to change me so that I could stop and smell the roses, literally.

My belief is that things in this world move with such momentum that if I do not get in front of the wave, I will be swept away and thrown down a river that only leads to a deadly waterfall. I will be like a boat out of gas with no oars. If I do not choose how to live and set standards, it is my experience that others are too eager to help me help them live their goals and live their standards.

Your comment reminded me of Schopenhausen (or a philosopher similar to that name). Simplifying his philosophy as I understood it, I used to understand that there was a distinction between "love" and "Love", and between brotherly love and passionate love. I hope to achieve it all and not fall into one kind of love or another. I think both are needed for a healthy relationship, and each balances the other as does fire and water.

Please feel free to continue to be 'vocal'. Life will get very interesting in a month or so when I go to China.

Daphnewood said...

why are you going to china?