Friday, April 29, 2005
I am doing better by doing worse.
I don’t know why, but I am feeling a bit of sadness coming on. The source is unknown. Passover has thrown everything out of order – my diet, my exercise, my sleeping patterns – everything is back to the way it was before I started having my emotional ups and downs. I actually think that I do better when I am off balance because the overtired feeling or the caffeine kick keeps me from stopping to realize what is going on. Maybe sleep deprivation is my drug, and staying slightly out of focus is my way of keeping my sanity. Sometimes being too tired to care allows me to not think about what I need to do and to just do it.
I technically am in study mode, although I would call this more of a “sitting on the beach by a park bench looking at the blue sky” mode. Of course I am getting some work done, and the four hours later on in the library today was productive too. Today I mastered the topics of incorporation of the Bill of Rights, bills of attainder, ex post facto laws, and state action. I began working on procedural due process and I believe the remainder will be a piece of cake. From the amount of work I did in school during the semester, I am finding the review quite relaxing.
Feeling sad is no fun, and for me, perhaps feeling out of control is a bit more relaxing because when I am kicked into overdrive as I am now lacking sleep from crashing at four o’clock in the morning last night and falling asleep pretty late the other nights this week, my thoughts are more numbed and I have a better sense of focus than when I am fully rested. When I sleep enough, it seems like my head is clear enough to get depressed. This can't be a good thing. I wonder whether I should go back to my three hours per night routine. At least then I functioned more like I believe I should.
This evening I snuck away from life and I saw Sin City in the movie theater. It was strange being in an empty theater. There was a character that I related to in a deep level. In fact, when I first saw him, I really thought "he looks exactly how I feel"; as unattractive as he is, he looked very much how I visually see myself. Marv was his name. What I found so appealing was his die hard determination and his willingness to throw everything to the wind for a purpose, but in a foolish way -- that was part of his appeal. I was also very in tune with his honesty about himself and towards others. Because of his medical condition, at times he doubted whether he was imagining things, and he took this part of himself lightly. It is something he lived with. We should all have this characteristic about our flaws. Oh, and his presence was very impressive; that's his picture below. The movie overall was captivating. All movies should be as deep and as smart as this one was.