Thursday, April 07, 2005

From Sixty to Zero in 4.3 Seconds

The sound of falling rain as it hits the ground to me is the most relaxing sound I know. It's 11pm and I have been told that I must force myself to get some sleep even though sleep is the last thing that is on my mind.

Most of yesterday was a fog. I couldn't focus and I had a slight headache so I didn't make it to school. This morning I woke up and had the dreadful thought that I needed to get to work, so I pulled myself out of the mood I was in, I got dressed, and I left the house to go to the law firm. I dressed in a nice suit with my favorite tie.

Later at work, when I passed in front of a mirror with my suit jacket off, I noticed that the bleach I used on my shirts caused the lines on my left shoulder to bleed. I had a large white splotch on my shirt. I was embarrassed, and I hoped nobody saw me like this.

I think that when a person’s clothes don’t stay on the person in one piece, it tells something about their class. I felt like a part of the lowest class. I couldn’t even bear the thought of spending another $30 for a good shirt; not when I am working almost full time at a prestigious law firm without pay while still being in school. Plus, the only cash coming in is from private loans to pay for school. “Why can’t I get normal clothes that don’t fall apart on me?” Oh well… I put the suit jacket back on over the spots and thought "one more piece of clothing to repair". I will actually throw it in the trash as soon as I have the heart to part with it. It was my only colored shirt, and it was made from good fabrics too. I hate being a poor law student.

After catching my focus and becoming sharp like a duck's beak, I did some amazing things today. I started and finished a research topic which should have taken days to do. I also took a career test to make sure that I was heading in the right direction regarding my career. It seems that I am exactly where I need to be but I feel that something is still missing.

I noticed mid afternoon how good I felt. Everything was so clear. My goals in life suddenly became lucid to me. I was having great conversations with people, and I liked the outgoing, calm, confident person I became. This felt right.

When I got home, I immediately felt drained as I entered the house as if something was sucking on my energy. My dad was home, and he was playing with the wireless network. While outwardly, he was not in a bad mood, I couldn't understand why I was feeling so horrible, so angry, so tired, and so empty. It was as if life left me and all that was left was a bloodless corpse standing unbalanced, ready to keel over. I couldn't understand it, until a friend on the IM through my wireless connection on the palm pilot suggested that maybe I am sensing negativity in the environment. After all, we were in the house that my dad built, my father was in the upstairs that he built, and his adversary who prevailed against him in court was still living downstairs. This house has been filled with nothing but negativity and war for the past three years.

One thing of note – most of my mood swings and my brain fuzzes occur here at home; when I am at my Rabbi’s house or anywhere else, it is very difficult for me to get into a bad mood. People at law school even comment on my cheerful demeanor. I used to get the same energy drain at my old home when I was younger during the time that my mom was working two jobs after a painful divorce. There was so much negativity and sadness in the house that when I noticed its presence while coming home from college years ago, I told my mom that unless the negativity changes, I am no longer coming home for more than a few hours at a time. I say this not as a poor reflection on my mom, because she worked really hard during those times. Rather, I am noting that in the past, I had the same reaction to a stressful and sad environment as I am experiencing now at my dad’s house.

I understand that just as a smell can linger in a room for minutes after it is released into the air, perhaps so can an emotion linger long after it is released into the air by the person fuming it. There are places one can walk into and feel that one can "cut the negativity with a knife." Well, perhaps my home, the subject of the years of strife and agony is one of those places that have been inundated with negativity. Of course, in order for us to perceive emotions, that would have to mean that emotions are composed of matter (objects that take up space and have mass). I don't know if this passes the hokey test. I just felt so drained when I got home today, and I noticed that this is starting to become a pattern. Maybe I'm just psychic.

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