Monday, April 18, 2005

Reflection before Yud-Aleph Nisan.

I was reading over some of my past blogs and I am not surprised why there so few readers. Have you ever noticed how depressing these blogs are? I would like to explain away these blogs by thinking that I am under immense pressures from every angle when it comes to law school, yiddishkeit, Lubavich mindsets and expectations on the individual, and just plain loneliness from being single and not being able to do anything about it. I would say that on every front, these would be hard core challenges for any person.

I was relieved today to find an underground set of blogs by other Lubavichers and it seems that they have the same questions I do. While they have taken the liberty of making it known who they are, I have intentionally concealed my identity because the last thing I want is for people to make judgments as to who I am based on this blog. You'll notice that the main topics I write about are those issues which I work on to resolve. But during that process of working out, weird things and thoughts and beliefs come out. Like yesterday, I could be construed as a stalker or a dark copy-cat mentality -- the kind you will see on those shows on criminal minds.

All in all, I'm just a regular guy with a semi-secular upbringing. This religious experience has been fluctuating between an experience and a lifestyle, and it is causing me stress because all these regular orthodox people are hammering away at me trying to get me not to be Lubavich. I don't see why they have such a problem with it. Also, the time constraints of law school have distracted me from what I normally would spend my time doing, so there are all these conflicts here. When I have more time, I will be able to further sort everything out. For the few of you who have been reading these blogs, thank you for being there for me.

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